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I would be very cautious about making any mental health diagnoses as there are lots of subtleties involved. I have a friend with BPD, and she wasn’t diagnised solely on the basis of her behaviour. I think the assessment involved a lot of looking into her family history and probably more. My friend has lots of mood swings but she’s not controling or emotionally abusive towards her partners. The mood swings of an abuser are not simply out of control emotions (although they do seem that way), they are patterns of behaviour used to control you by showing you how powerful they are or making you think they are loving and caring.

Even if he did have BPD on top of being abusive, you can’t effectively support someone who destroys your wellbeing. Nobody deserves to sacrifice themselves for someone else. Looking after your wellbeing is your basic human right. He can’t see that because abusers do not respect our rights as separate humans. I’m sure that if you were to support him, he would blame you for everything and so would never make any progress anyway. I understand that you feel responsible and guilty, abusers condition us to feel that way, and those are difficult feelings to feel. But they are the legacy of the abuse, they are not telling you the truth. The truth is that you are not responsible and you have done nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel guilty about. Sending lots of love xxxx

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That is wonderful news! I’m really happy for you and it’s great for others to see that however stuck you feel, you find a way when the time is right. xxxx

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So true. The project is doomed to failure anyway as the person you’re trying to help is sabotaging it every step of the way. xxxx

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I can’t speak from experience as I haven’t started dating since leaving, but from what I’ve read I think the general advice is to take things really slowly and make sure you know what red flags to look for. I think the idea is that if you dive right in, you’re more likely to miss red flags until it’s too late. Abusers often blind you with what seems like perfection and only show their true colours when they’ve hooked you in. If you take things slowly and set firm boundaries, you’re more likely to get an idea of how the other person responds to boundaries. It can be hard to know what your boundaries are if you’ve just come out of an abusive relationship. I’m sure others on here can give advice on how to do that in a new relationship. I think the key thing is to not allow yourself to get too invested in the relationship too soon and make sure you have a life for yourself out of the relationship. xxxx

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Thinking of you too Bettychoc. What a huge ordeal on top of having to survive the abuse.

You are absolutely right that it was him or you and the kids. Abusers force us to choose between our (and our kids’) wellbeing and their demands. They deliberately put us in impossible positions to make us feel trapped. Nobody should feel bad for choosing to not sacrifice their wellbeing for another person. It is always ok to protect yourself and your kids. Sending love xxxx

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Welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to hear what you and your children have been through and I’m so sad to hear the lasting impact. I would imagine it’s resurfacing because they now feel safe enough to let it come up, whereas before the feelings and memories were tightly locked down. My kids are infant school age and I’m thinking through how to help them process what has happened. I don’t have any specific advice for your kids other than considering what professional services are available in your area. Perhaps your GP can help as certainly your youngest can’t wait a long time if his sleep is affected. Hopefully others will have some advice. Sending love of love xxxx

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Lundy Bancroft has a book on helping your kids, with advice on what to say to them. I would recommend it. It’s called something like “When Dad Hurts Mom”. He says to be factual, as that is not bad mouthing. I think he gives examples and advice on how to encourag your kids to think about whether someone’s behaviour is acceptable. My kids are infant school age so I think it’s quite different and a lot easier. It must be so hard when they can make a choice but are under his spell. Sending love xxxx

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What a lovely post. Thanks you for sharing. Feeling your feelings…. that is no easy thing to do, well done you! I realise I’ve been avoiding my feelings my whole life, even before I met my ex. I’m also working on feeling them so it’s great to hear how healing it has been for you. xxxx

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Well done for reaching out for help. This is indeed the start.

Abuse creates a really complex psychological situation, where you’re too scared to leave even though you know things aren’t ok (look up trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance). Your experince is a totally normal human response to abuse. It’s why we stay stuck for so long.

It can take a long time to see what’s really going on and accept that if you were looking at your relationship from the outside, you would see that no amount of good times can negate the damage caused by the abuse. He has spent years conditioning you to believe you’re overreacting, that it’s your fault, that it’s not a big deal, and you have believed it in order to survive. Try to be kind to yourself. It’s confusing because our abusers keep up frightened and confused in order to keep us stuck. Keep reaching out on here, educate yourself on abuse and do your best to look after yourself. Sending love xxxx

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I can really relate to what you described. I think I see hide as the same as freeze, in that in both cases you’re trying to be invisible to the threat. Faun is definitely a thing for humans (and I’m sure for the more intelligent mammals like chimpanzees too) and I’ve certainly done it a lot.

I think it’s great that you’ve recognised how you respond. It shows you’re not completely blind by it all the time. I noticed that she told you that you should be in fight, not hide. I don’t think she is referring to the fight of fight/flight/freeze though. My understanding of it from having done CBT and other therapy, is that the survival response is only appropriate for genuine life threatening emergencies e.g. there’s a tiger in the room or you abuser is about to seriously hurt you. Fight/flight/freeze evolve to help us in genuine emergency situations where you need to act quickly and decisively, perhaps with extra speed/strength. Using your brain to weigh up a lot of options is not helpful if you need to act quickly, which is why your thinking brain shuts down (one of the reasons for brain freeze). But you don’t want to be in fight/flight/freeze if there isn’t an emergency, because it isn’t equipped to deal with complex situations (not to mention the health impacts, because you immune system, digestive system and more are shut down).

You’re in freeze/hide because you feel under threat. Deciding to switch to fight instead of freeze (if that’s even possible, I’m pretty sure it’s not the thinking part of the brain that chooses the response) would mean your brain still thinks there’s an immediate life threatening emergency. That’s why I don’t think you’re counsellor actually means the fight of fight/flight/freeze – you don’t want to switch off your thinking brain and feel like you’re fighting to the death every moment of the day. The way to get out of freeze/hide is to recognise that the threat (while very real in terms of the feelings it triggers) is not actually something you need to hide from to stay safe. You need to know that it’s safe to switch off your survival response. The problem in abusive relationships is that the abuse keeps you in fight/flight/freeze as a way to keep you stuck (you’re so busy surviving that you can’t see a way out and it feels safer to freeze than to take the risk of escaping). I know abusers do and say things that make us feel paralysed with fear (freeze) and we still feel like it when they’re not around. But if we were able to switch off the fight/flight/freeze response, we’d be able to see that we’re in a psychological/emotional prison, not a physical one that is literally inescapable.

I don’t think it’s realistic to feel truly safe with an abuser. But I do think you can take the edge off enough to feel safe enough to leave and/or see that the impact of the abuse is worse than the risk of leaving. I think the most important thing is to shift your attention from him to you. The more you focus on placating him, what he’s going to do, why he’s doing it etc, the more you reinforce the belief that you need to keep him happy in order to be safe. You need to teach your brain that you can rely on yourself to stay safe and that your needs are worth taking care of. You can only do that by taking care of your needs and attending to your emotional wellbeing. I also found that the less compliant I was (especially when it was clearly something relating to my wellbeing), the stronger I felt. So I tried to take every safe opportunity to do that – it did come at a cost of increased abuse, so I was careful about how/when I did it. I’m sure this taught me that giving into him all the time wasn’t actually keeping me safe, it was making me feel weak and powerless. Going back to what your counsellor said, you can fight for your wellbeing without feeling like you’re fighting to the death. That might look different for different people. You don’t have to feel strong to be strong. You don’t have to look/behave like a stereotypical strong woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone, to be strong. And you are incredibly strong to have survived everything you’re been through, however weak you feel. Some inner determination and a willingness to feel some really uncomfortable feelings is enough. Sending lots of love xxxx

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Yes, I completely agree! What a great thread to start, Darcy. I think it’s important to know that the abuse is all about the abuser and to have some understanding that abuse is all about control so you don’t allow the focus on yourself to be “how can I help him? What did I do to cause this?” etc. But endlessly analysing his behaviour is fruitless can keeps you under his power. In fact, he actually wants you to keep trying to work it all out, because he knows it keeps you stuck.

I guess we all come to this forum at different stages. I was fortunate that learning about abuse felt like a missing piece of the puzzle. I must have already been close to letting go of all the wondering why, which I had done for many years. But I appreciate that not esveryone has that experience.

Any repetitive thought patterns that don’t get us anywhere good are taking up valuable energy. Of course it’s easier said than done. I just heard some advice today, which was that the mind usually wants to be busy trying to solve problems, which can keep you stuck in really negative thought patterns, so give it a positive problem to solve instead. So instead of asking “why did he do that?”, ask something like “how can I support myself to find my inner courage?”. You don’t need to then work hard trying to find the answer. The mind is more than capable of coming up with lots of ideas. But you can give it regular nudges to keep it on a more helpful track. The mind is a good servant but a terrible master. xxxx

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I’m so sad to read your post. I know what it’s like to be bombarded with abuse, but as a child, with a mother just standing by? I can’t imagine how awful that must hae been.

I wonder whether your counsellor understands abuse. From what you say, I assume your step-dad abuses her as well, and she is well and truly under his control. From everything I’ve read on abuse and my own experience of an abusive husband, I’m not 100% surprised by what you say. Given that she stood by the abuse for years, I wouldn’t be hopeful that she would do anything different now. I hope your counsellor didn’t give you unreaslistic expectations. Until she is ready to acknowledge what is happening and then do something about it (i.e. leave him), he will stay in control of her. If you haven’t read up on abuse you might find it helps to make sense of what’s happening. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (you can find it free online).

This doesn’t mean you weren’t wronged in a huge way, but it might help you see that none of it is your fault. Your mum not protectecting you is nothing to do with anything you’ve done and it’s not what you deserved. You have a lot to grieve for. Every child deserves a mother who loves them and keeps them safe. It must hurt so much when she chooses him over you (she actually believes choosing him is literally a matter of survival). It sounds like cutting off contact was the right thing to do, even though there is a big sense of loss. I would recommend contacting Women’s Aid for support. You may find there are support groups locally. Sound sound so strong, but you don’t have to do this alone. Sending love xxxx

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Thank you for your reply Darcy. It is really helpful and has got me thinking about what I can do. I’m sure my ex is feeding them lies, as you suggest. I keep forgetting not to take what the kids say at face value. Sending love you too xxxx

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Hi there, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been living with all this. Everything you describe is textbook abuse, including the promises to change, which are completely empty. If you read up on abuse (Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is really good) you’ll see that everything is about control. He does whatever he needs to do to get you back in control. The time you left, it was ‘make you feel sorry for him and convince you he’s going to change’. The next time it could be the same or maybe he’ll decide to threaten you or threaten to hurt himself.

His parents splitting up didn’t make him abusive. It sounds like he’s trying to make you feel sorry for him. Plenty of people have divorced parents but don’t do on to be abusive. Abuse happens when is someone believes they have the right to control another person and they are entitled to have their needs met above the other person’s.

You’re stuck because to keep you under control, abusers make you feel like leaving would be most threatening to your survival (look up trauma bonding). And he will probably try to make it risky for you to leave (which is why you do it without him knowing and make sure you go somewhere safe). But I think of staying/leaving like this: as long as you stay, you drink a drop of poison every day. It will make you more and more ill, as the abuse destroys your mental/emotional wellbeing. If you leave, it will feel like a slap in the face, because you have to go against the part of you that believes it’s too risky to leave. But once you’ve left, you can finally start healing from all that poison.

We’ve all felt too scared to leave. It’s a normal part of the process. Educating yourself about abuse will help and reaching out for support on here and Women’s Aid. Sending love xxxx

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That is just terrible, I’m really shocked you’ve been treated so badly. I wonder if Citizen’s Advice can tell you whether you can get the money back.

I also wanted to say that the better life is happening! It might not be what you want yet, but you got out of a household that your kids would have felt unsafe in. The was a major step to take. Don’t underestimate how much you’re doing for them. Sending love xxxx

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Hi there, well done for finding the courage to plan your exit. It know it’s not easy.

What your daughter witnesses has a big impact on her. But more than that, she is living in a household where she feels unsafe. If you feel unsafe, so does she. Even if she doesn’t witness much of the abuse she is just as affected as you. This doesn’t make you a bad mum, you are doing the best you can. But is is important to get her out of that environment.

If you’re married, definitely speak to a solicitor, because selling the house will be linked to the division of marital assets. I would also speak to a solicitor about your daughter. I was advised to make it clear that I wasn’t witholding the kids from him after I left, so he wouldn’t have grounds of accusing me of parental alienation. You may have different advice depending on how you will share child care.

Please don’t reason with him about leaving. He will just use it to his advantage somehow and you will be left emotionally battered. Of course you want to, it’s what normal people want to do. But abuers don’t act like normal people. Read up on abuse to make more sense of it. Keep all your plans a secret. Leaving is the most dangerous time, because you take away his power. Even if he’s never been violent, that could change. Apparently the best indicator of abusers killing thier partner is the level of control rather than previous violence. Don’t tell him you’ve left until you’re safely away. Other can advise how this works if you get him to leave.

For me it was really important to focus on what was really important. I spent ages worrying about little things that didn’t really matter. The most important thing was getting me and my kids out safely. Anything that seemed to make things more complicated or time consuming wasn’t really important. Sending love and luck xxxx

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I’ve heard people ask this a lot and I honestly believe that trying to know for sure can get in the way of accepting that he is abusive. I agree that getting a better understanding of what’s happening is really valuable, but I’m not sure that there’s a consensus view on this one. Sure there will be times when they can say “I hit her because she did X and I’m not going to let my wife do that”, but I wouldnt’ be surprised if some of the more subtle ways to control are just instinctive self serving behaviours, which to them are totally normal, because they don’t know the difference between love and control.

Like Twisted Sister said, you don’t know that he’s a narcissist unless he gets a professional diagnosis. I don’t know how familiar you are with narcissistic vs non-narcissistic abuse. Not all abusers are narcissists – there is a lot of overlap in the behaviours, but there are differences. So I would be cautious about using a narcissistic model to understand a particular person.

I’m not convinced that my ex consciously knows what he’s doing all the time (sometimes he certaintly does), but I don’t think that makes it any better or worse. If some of it is not conscious, then I’d see it as a deep rooted pattern that is second nature to him (and that he thinks is ok), which he learnt growing up. I don’t think that makes him any less responsible for his actions. There’s a reason the abuse was all behind closed doors – he knows it’s not ok.

I think my ex would tell himself that he’s a great person, kind and thoughtful. I think he has a fantasy that he is perfect husband material. Deep down he knows it’s a fantasy, but he works so hard to believe it. I think on some level he believes himself when he says he’s only doing what any other man would do. Does that mean he’s good really, because he wants to be a good person? No! His priority is his wants/needs and his ego. He has no genuine empathy for a partner. He is simply not capable of being a respectful partner and he has no interest in changing, not that I think he could. He spent years being cruel and therefore he had years to see that his behaviour was not ok. Genuinely kind people don’t think it’s ok to make other people suffer.

So if you feel like you get stuck on this question, it might be helpful to ask why you need to know. XXXX

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I think you have to look at the behaviour in a wider context to decide if it’s abusive. BUT even if it’s not abusive, that doesn’t make it OK and it is always OK to decide that it is not something you are prepared to live with. It could be that it’s triggering for you because of the abuse you have experienced and while someone else might not be bothered, it’s not healthy for you to be around.

As to whether it’s abuse, I think it depends on the overall picture of whether he is creating/exploiting a power imbalance to force others to meet his needs at their expense. You may not be able to answer these questions. Does he expect your mum to help him deal with it? Why does your mum try to appease him? Does she know that she’ll be punished if she doesn’t?  Or did she grow up to believe she must appease others but actually your dad doesn’t really care whether she helps him or not, in which case it’s more of a relationship issue (however their behaviours interact) than abuse.

At the very least he sounds insensitive to how his behaviour affects others. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to expect an adult to realise that angry outbursts, even those not directed at others, have a negative effect on others and can be scary, especially for children. To varying degrees, other people will absorb your dad’s out of control feeling and to people who already don’t feel safe, it can be very triggering. Being insensitive isn’t the same as being abusive but I think it can still be very damaging to live with. I grew up in a household where when my parents got emotionally hijacked (quite often) there was little, if any, empathy for how it affected others. It made me feel invisible and like their feelings were always more important than mine, which I’m sure made me more tolerant of abusive behaviour. As an adult living with them again, I don’t feel controlled or abused by them, but they’re still as insensitive as they were and it can be triggering. I’m working on managing my feelings when triggered but I do think it will be better for me when I move out. I can’t say how much it is affecting my healing but I’m sure that it’s disempowering to live with anyone who behaves in a way that I don’t think is respectful of my feelings. It feels like I’m giving away my power to choose myself a healthy living environment.

Having said all that, there are things you can do to take back some of your power e.g. if my parents do something triggering for me, I try to just leave the room. Obviously it’s not a perfect solution, but it feels a lot better to exercise my right to not witness it than to feel angry/upset and helpless because “I shouldn’t have to leave the room” or I’m frozen, not knowing what to do. Maybe you could try just getting yourself out of the way when your dad gets angry and doing a calming exercise, reminding yourself that you’re safe and they’re his feelings, not yours.

I think healing is all about learning to feel safe in the world. People around us won’t always help with that, which can make it really hard. I guess we all have to find reliable sources of support and accept that the people close to us might not be able to give that, even if they’re not abusive. Sending love xxxx

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Hi there, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You feel scared because that’s how abuse works – abuse is all about control and abusers maintain control by making you feel scared and confused, using all your energy to try to keep them happy rather than looking after your own needs. I’d recommend reading up on abuse, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a good place to start.

Be careful not to blame the abuse on his addiction. The addiction may make the abuse worse, but addiction doesn’t make people abusive. Abuse happens when someone believes they have the right to control another person.

Twisted Sister made some good suggestions about the key. Just be aware that the problem is not about the key at all. It’s about him needing to control you. He may refuse to go along with your suggestions, he may ‘forget’ there’s another key, he may just find another way to keep you at home. If any of this happens, just like all the other abuse, it’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything to deserve any of this. I’m not saying don’t try, just don’t blame yourslef if it doesn’t work.

Your fears about leaving are completely normal and justified. Women’s Aid always says to leave while he’s not in and don’t tell him until you’re safely away. That’s what most of us have done. He sounds very dangerous. The fact that he told you about what he did to an ex is a clear threat to keep you too scared to leave. But you can leave safely. You just have to plan ahead and leave when you’re ready. Women’s Aid can help you with preparing a safe plan to leave. It might all seem impossible now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t manage to leave. Sending love xxxx

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I don’t remember when I stopped pretending I was OK. But I remember the heavy, resentful atmosphere that was around when I did stop pretending. In a way it seemed worse but looking back it was the lead up to me finding the courage to leave. It was part of accepting how bad things really were and just how much he wanted to destroy my wellbeing. I should say though, that the abuse did escalate when I stopped pretending, which is textbook I guess.

I understand that you feel like you’d be disrupting your kids by leaving. But any disruptions is hugely outweighed by stopping the abuse. The abuse is so damaging for them, witnessing it, absorbing the tensions and atmosphere at home, however well you think it’s hidden. The abuse also takes their mum away from them in the sense that you can’t be the mum you really are because so many of your resources are used in surviving. This isn’t a hard sell to leave now. You’ll leave when you’re ready. But I promise you that what might seem like a big barrier now really isn’t as big as it looks. Yours and your children’s mental and emotional safety is more important than anything else. Sending love xxxx

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Yes sadly I agree with the red flags. You’ve described several examples (in a short time frame) of him trying to intimidate, wear you down or shame/belittle you into doing what he wants. On top of that he showed no recognition of his behaviour and tried to deflect your comments by more shaming/belittling and playing dumb. And none of what you described shows any empathy from him towards you. Even if things don’t get worse (which is unlikely) his behaviour is not compatible with a mutually loving and respectful relationship. Sending love xxxx

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Twisted Sister has made some really good points. It might also be that your daughter is saying “I want to believe that it was just arguing, not abuse, and I want you do play along”. But she may not even realise this is what she’s doing. Acknowledging that her dad, one if the people she should be able to trust to protect her wellbeing, was actually cruel and abusive must be very hard. Xxxx

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I agree with the other comments. An apology is to show the other person, and yourself, that you take responsibility for your actions, and maybe to give some explanation to the other person to help them understand. But normal rules dont apply when there’s abuse….
1. He knows why you left. He will pretend he doesn’t and it really wasnt so bad. But he knows for the same reason abusers deny what they do and only do it in private. They know it’s not OK. You don’t need to explain it to him and if you do he’ll use it as an opportunity to gaslight/manipulate you.
2. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to take responsibility for. You took yourself and your kids to safety. That is 100% reasonable and you don’t have to explain or justify that to anyone.
3. Apologies are only genuine if they’re honest and authentic. The honest words would be “I’m sorry you were so upset when I left after you forced me to choose between mine and the children’s safety/wellbeing and your happiness”. OK so maybe you wouldn’t use those exact words but any apology that is truly genuine can’t ignore the fact that you didn’t simply walk out on a relationship, you escaped abuse. You acted out of survival. If you allude to the abuse he will use it against you somehow.
4. Ask yourself why you feel the need to apologise. If after reading through everything above you still want to apologise, you most likely want his forgiveness. But he won’t forgive you, not genuinely. It’ll just be another way to hold power over you. And wanting his forgiveness might suggest there is still some trauma bonding. Because you do not owe an apology for choosing your safety over his want to abuse you.

It must be a horrible feeling but I really think apologising will bring more pain than what you’re feeling now. Sending love xxxx

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Hey there, it must be so hard feeling like this. There is no time when you should be over it. You heal as you’re ready, but I think that would be very hard from a non-survivor to understand. I was just thinking recently how long I lived in perpetual fear of the next time he decided I’d done something wrong and at the same time convinced myself everything was OK. Imagine how much mental and emotional energy that took. There is so much to process and heal from. I can see why women’s aid recommends waiting 2 years before dating again.

I remember your posts from before you left and how incredibly cruel your ex sounds. He may not have been as overtly aggressive and intimidating as some of what you read on here (although inthink some of it was physically cruel) but he absolutely targeted the places that would hurt you the most. That is so, so cruel, and nothing you could have done would justify that. You could not have done anything to make him choose to dominate and control you. He chose to do that. Non-abusive people don’t want to control their partners, they want an equal partnership.

It sounds like there are still remnants of the trauma bond unravelling. I’m sure it’s part of your healing and it’s coming up as you become ready to feel the pain and let it go. You did the right thing by leaving and this pain will pass. Sending lots of love xxxx

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I’m so sorry to hear this Headspin, it must feel so horrible. I agree with the other comments.

You often see descriptions in the media of “fights” that are actually domestic abuse. To an uneducated outsider they may look like fights. But everyone on here knows you’re simply fighting for survival and to protect your children. It’s not a fight in the normal sense of the word. Our culture also perpetuates the idea that there are always 2 valid sides, and also that victims are weak and passive. It’s probably very difficult for your daughter to make sense of what happened without understanding how abuse works. Sending hugs xxxx

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I think our culture perpetuates a myth that to be brave/strong you feel and act like Wonder Woman. But bravery and fearlessness are not the same. Bravery is doing it even though you’re terrified. If you’re not terrified, you have no need to be brave! The part of you that did it while feeling terrified is the brave you and that part must be incredibly strong, becaue I know the fear created by abuse is strong enough to keep us stuck for years. It’s ok to be afraid and it doesn’t mean you aren’t brave. xxxx

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I’m glad it was helpful. I would focus on being kinder to yourself. If you feel guilty, do it for your kids. They deserve the best of you and you can only give that if you look after yourself. I think it really helped me to keep reminding myslef that it feels wrong (guilt) but that feeling is from the years of control. It’s ok to feel guilty but look after yourself anyway. You lie out of survival, not malice. The guilt feels real, but that’s because he has used your empathy to make you take on what he wants you to feel. xxxxx

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Not mad at all, it’s how your survival response is meant to work. It’s just that we all get stuck in fight/flight/freeze in situations where it wasn’t meant to be used. xxxx

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Nbumblebee, that sounds like a horrible loop to be caught in. I can see that your mind is trying really hard to work out how things can be made better. But the idea that he can’t help it, so there’s something wrong so he can be helped sadly isn’t realistic. From what I’ve read on abuse I just don’t think you can help him change:

You can only help somebody who wants to be helped, whatever the issue is. From his perspective things are working out fine, so there is no incentive for him to change.

You can also only help someone if there’s enough of you available to provide them with support and you have the strength and objectivity to do things that they may not want you to do e.g. if they were a drug addict you might refuse to give them money for drugs. Living with abuse means you’re using all your resources to just survive. Even if it were possible for him to change (which is highly unlikely from all the evidence) it would take a long time and it’s not realistic that you could both take all the abuse and reliably give him the support he would need. He would still be controlling you and you would still be trying your best to survive the abuse. You wouldn’t be working as a team. So if for example he was working on respecting boundaries, to help him you’d need to assert some boundaries, while knowing that he’s probably going to punish you for doing so. Lundy Bancroft recommends perpetrators who genuinely want to change have to do it away from their partner.

Also, he would somehow need to see that the problem is 100% his and nothing to do with what he currently sees as a response to what you do. Until he could change that perspective, his idea of you helping him change would involve you doing what he thinks you need to do to change, which of course won’t help him change and will reinforce his belief that you’re the problem (either you change and it’s not good enough or you don’t change and so you’re not doing your part).

So the only way you can really help him have any chance of changing is to leave him (and mean a full, no contact split) and accept that best case scenario it will likely take him years of work. On top of that he would need to find people supporting him – the people he currently has in his life are people who support or at least turn a blind eye to the abuse. Most likely there will be no lasting change. It’s not love to stand by someone while they destroy you, even if it feels like love, it’s a trauma bond. And it’s not wrong to leave that person even if you think they need help. Sending love xxxx

[ISOPeace]

I found your reply really interesting. It made me think how much we minimise our own experiences – what you described about “discipline” sounded horrible to me and worse than what my parents did. But then you said you had a happy childhood and that you knew your parents loved you. If I’m honest I wouldn’t say the same. My head would say they loved me but I wouldn’t say I felt loved. Maybe my childhood wasn’t as normal as I thought.

[Author]

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