Lifebegins

[Lifebegins]

Hi @MiniNoodle

I feel for you. My circumstances were different but there are some similar aspects, better paying job than ex, caring responsibilities for kids with additional needs and me able to buy him out.

I don’t think walking away with nothing is really an option for you. You will still be tied to your ex via the joint mortgage and he can still abuse you by not paying it, refusing to sign new mortgage deals so sky high interest, etc which could severely negatively impact your credit and financial stability which you need to have if you are primary carer for your kids.

(detail removed by Moderator)

(detail removed by Moderator). I’ve finally bought him out despite his best efforts to force house sale to force me out of the family home (another post separation abuse tactic). It is the best feeling!!! He got more than he morally should but I got my freedom. There is no price that can be put on that.

You can do this and you don’t need to walk away with nothing. You just have to find your way. Sending you a virtual hug xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Eggshells

Sorry to hear your despair- you’ve given a lot of support and strength to women on here so hoping I can help.

If you can claim Universal Credit the jobcentre can help with Cv, interview skills etc but if not, you may be able to self refer to providers of job search support in your area, check online or at your local library to see what’s available.

Getting a mentor really worked for me. I accessed a program in my last job and it was brilliant. My applications were transformed and they worked on interviews with me too. Also they got me to think outside of the box on what I was applying for too. I can’t speak highly enough. Again I’d look to see if there’s anything available online or in local library, social media etc.

Best bit of advice I got was to make sure I really tailored my CV/Application to the job I was applying for and then really sell sell sell me.

Good luck and keep plugging away. You will get there xx  🤗

[Lifebegins]

Hi Littlemissgettingthere

Sadly I think this is more common than people realise. Despite my child living with me most of the time, my ex was in their ear everytime they visited, bad mouthing me and telling downright lies so as to get my child onside and make out that I was lying about the abuse. This was even though my child had witnessed a lot of it! I used to feel sick to my stomach going to pick them up after a visit not knowing what awful lie had been said about me this week and then having my child shouting at me and calling me a liar. It was horrendous but I held onto my truth with my child because I knew it was the truth. And I was having counselling with Womens Aid at the time where I could talk about it, validate my experience and get advice on how to deal with it.

What I understand now is that these abusers are so convincing and are masters at gaslighting and coercive control that it can be understandable that kids, who trust them, believe them. I mean what dad would make up such awful things?! And then we as mothers often shield our kids from all of the harsh gory details to protect them, so then the kids are only hearing one fabricated version of events.

It’s a really hard thing to navigate. It went on for quite some time for me until my ex true colours started to show to my child – they can’t hide who and what he they are indefinitely at home. It may be that the ‘super dad’ act will wear thin when financial matters are concluded? Just a thought….

As for your ex’s family and friends, it’s not going to matter what you say or what deep down they may think/know, they will back him and often be his ‘flying monkeys’. It took me a long,long time to accept the injustice of this as I did nothing wrong except leave an abusive relationship, but now I’ve completely cut them out of my life I feel much better for it. Let them put up with him!

Apologies for rambling reply but this part of leaving was not something anyone had talked about and it turned out to be really the worse bit for me.

Have you had/are you having any counselling? It’s a godsend if you can access. Also, in my opinion I think you’ve set your daughter a good example of what’s not acceptable in a relationship by leaving, even if she doesn’t realise it now xx

[Lifebegins]

Absolutely @minimeerkat ❤️xx

[Lifebegins]

Great. Good to know your rights and options. Don’t forget assets such as pensions are factored in too, so include everything in your discussion.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on. Sending you a virtual hug 🤗xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi littlemissgettingthere,

My situation isn’t the same as yours but I have been involved in lengthy financial proceedings. (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator)

If you are married and jointly own the property/assets, 50:50 would be starting point from legal standpoint and then it’s looking at needs. Not sure how that stands with grown up children- someone else may be able to answer that or Google it (I found loads of info this way). If you don’t jointly own, you may still be entitled to a split- just need to get the advice on what that would be).

The fact that he is financially better off could work in your favour as your need could be considered greater than his from division of assets.

Re: kids, you may need to weigh up how long you are willing to wait until it won’t be their family home any longer to sell, or sell now and have a clean break. Rest assured your ex will bad mouth you in every way, either way! And if you’re financially tied ie with a mortgage then you won’t be able to move on until your finances are resolved. My experience would be not to wait but that’s based on my circs. Your ex is unreasonably expecting you to leave with nothing until he decides it’s the right time to sell, which will be never. And even then, you’d most likely have to go down the court route anyway then as it’s very difficult to get an abuser to settle on a realistic and fair split. Court proceedings can be very lengthy and so you could be talking many years until your finances resolved if you wait (I didn’t and it’s still not 100% finished).

Btw, If he’s that concerned about kids’ education (im assuming that’s why he doesn’t want to sell) he could move out, rent and let you move back in until sale time to keep them in the family home? Yes I’m sure that’s not an option but could be a solution you proposed? He, as you state, is extremely financially stable. A solicitor could give you more advice on potential options/outcomes or perhaps try Rights of Women or wikidivorce is very good for practical divorce/financial advice.

Lessons learned for me – no contact and if you have to, everything by email so you have a paper trail of what’s said/agreed. Until you have final consent order approved by judge, they can change their mind on a whim. Also, these guys really get off on the power of controlling financial settlements/proceedings so the quicker you can get it over with the better. Legal fees cost an arm and a leg so if you’re going to seek advice be very clear on what you want and don’t deviate. Think carefully about what you want from a settlement and what would be the minimum you could /would accept. Sometimes it’s better to walk away with less than what you should get morally just to put an end to it and fron my point of view, whatever I’ve lost to be rid of him, is money well spent.

The kids aspect is hard but you have to be fair to yourself too. What he’s asking isn’t fair or right or legally acceptable.

Stay strong and good for you for getting out. Onwards and upwards now 💪 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Secret6

You mentioned earlier you have money. Landlords will often accept tenants without references if they can pay rent upfront for a period of 6 months (the shortest length of long term tenancy). Lots of people come from abroad and do this as they don’t have jobs or references. And then in another 6 months you pay upfront again and so on.

If you are not working, you can claim universal credit for your housing element without your Landlord being made aware, so could be saving for the next 6 month payment from your benefits. Or you may get a job with your newfound freedom.

My motto on my journey (I’m in the same age bracket and out a while now after long marriage) is ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’. Sometimes it’s been extremely hard to find it but don’t give up!

Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Dovegirl, well done you!!!

As someone who’s left, and before leaving, never thought I could actually do it, it’s a massive surprise to actually do it! So give yourself a lot of credit.

I’ve been out for quite some time now, and my advice is be kind to yourself as things are not going to be resolved overnight, go no contact (this was I think the difference to me not going back as I had done before) and just start enjoying life. It’s all the little things that you couldn’t do before that make the difference xx

Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Blankcanvas,

So reading your post felt very similar to my experience. My ex has mental health issues – he is also an abuser. I think they are both separate, and the same issue. It doesn’t really matter which is the cause of his behaviour. What’s important is safeguarding your children.

I was so worried about what would happen if I refused contact, both in what he would do and if he went to court (that the court would enforce contact), that I lost sight of the priority, my child. It ended up that he physically assaulted my child on a visit and when they finally told me, and then opened up about all the emotionally/verbally abusive behaviour they were witnessing/being subjected on visits, I went to the police and children services.

The long and the short of it is that they (Police/children services) can’t really do anything unless they deem your ex a risk or there is a criminal case to answer. The responsibility lies with us as resident parents to keep our kids safe and both the police and children services advised me that I’m within my rights to refuse contact if I feel my child is unsafe. My ex would then have to go to court to get access. Conversely, children services/police could become involved if I put my child at risk by sending them to the abusive parent!

It’s a terrible time being in this situation as no one wants to give you a definitive answer, so I really feel for you as you are so on your own with this.

My child decided they didn’t want to see their dad anymore, they’re of an age where their wishes are considered and so I supported them with this and said no more direct contact. So far, quite a long time later, no court action from my ex. If they know abuse can be proven (I also had a non-mol with evidence of DA) and they also know their mental health will be investigated, I’m not sure they want to go to court with this. And my child has been absolutely thriving since without all the stress in their life.

My advice would be to go with your gut. If you’re worried, that’s enough.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx and stay strong xx

[Lifebegins]

And forgot to say, should he be problematic about posting them, he can get them delivered! He should only be coming to your home to collect kids at time agreed not any other.

[Lifebegins]

Hi @iliketea, I haven’t been on here for a while and then saw your post today. Again we’re encountering similar behaviours at the same time.

Slightly different circs. My child isn’t seeing ex by their own decision. And they’re old enough to decide now. I’ve been able to cut all contact with ex and his toxic family and it’s been a massive weight off my shoulders. And both me and my child are in a much happier place.

Of course my ex can’t have that so after all this time since we separated, he’s now taken to posting gifts through my door for my child. He contacts them first to get the ok. I let it go first (detail removed by Moderator) times but the latest time I said to my child I don’t want him coming to the house so be nice about it but advise he can post them, put money in your account etc but don’t give him the ok to come the house. Of course my child knows exactly what their dad is like having been on the receiving end of his abuse and I’ve had a lot of open conversations about abusive behaviours so they are aware of what they are and understand the manipulation behind them. Sadly they tell me they are happier without my ex in their life but why should they go without gifts.

I guess that’s a little what you’re kids are feeling. Sad he doesn’t turn up but at least they got a present. My ex used to do the not turning up and my child has now told me that they did hold that against him because nothing should be more important to him than their child.
It’s rejection of them and even presents don’t make up for it. What I did was everytime my ex didn’t turn up, I made a big fuss of my child saying ooh it’s great we get to spend extra time together and then do something nice with them instead. That’s the best present you can give them – you, your time and your love. And they know you never let them down.

I think it was WantsToHelp said a long time ago, kids start to see the behaviours for themselves and mine certainly has. I really struggled on if it was right to discuss the abuse with my child. I finally did and I’m glad I did but they were old enough to understand and had been on the receiving end and I needed for them to protect themselves.

My advice would be let them have the gifts, they are probably feeling a bit rejected by him whatever reason he’s giving and whatever gifts he’s gives them, but politely ask him to post rather than drop off. And carry on being the brilliant mum you are and make his non appearance up to them by giving them you and do something fun together. No presents needed.

Keep strong hun and sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea,

No experience of this I’m afraid in terms of moving after leaving abusive relationship although definitely something I’ve thought about as living in same place does have its triggers.

However I did make a move to where I’m living now (pre leaving) and it’s the best thing I’ve done. I love where I live although I’m not near family and my child loves it too and is settled. They did have to change schools which did present some difficulties but they soon got over it and made new friends.

It could be a new start for you, new area, new job, friends etc. I’d suggest you weigh up the pros and cons and see what you think. It’s also great fun thinking about and planning where you’d like to go, your new house etc.

Glad to hear you’re feeling and doing so well ❤️❤️❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

No worries @Glasshalf. I totally get and remember feeling exactly the same way, the stress is unbelievable. But there is a route out of this, you just have to find the way that works best for you, your kids and your safety.

My circumstances in the end when I left were different as his behaviour escalated when I think he knew I was leaving and I was forced to go to the police (he was then removed from property by bail conditions and then a non molestation order and never returned). However, it was only just before that I had been thinking instead I would rent my own place and leave, getting myself and child sorted there temporarily and then sell family home and trying to do everything nicely as possible. But his behaviour put paid to all that. I don’t want to scare you just make you aware that with all your good intentions, things may not go as you’d hope. So no harm in considering all the options available to you now even if it’s not what the way you want to go at the minute.

Mediation is also an option which I tried, unsuccessfully, but I was desperate to try anything to resolve childcare and financials. They don’t recommend it in DA situations but you mentioned doing counselling, so maybe could work for you?

Have you spoken to any DA organisations like Womens Aid or National Domestic Abuse helpline? Both were great in giving me good advice and are very experienced in helping women in leaving safely and successfully. It can be scary calling for the first time and you don’t have to take action, it took me 6 months, but they may have options your solicitor may not consider.

I would also think worse case scenario if he doesn’t leave, is there somewhere you could go with the kids until the situation is resolved? You own the flat and are not married so I would think you will legally be able to have him removed later should it come to it, which I hope not. Good to always have a plan b ready.

If documents are coming from a bank or financial institution which you don’t want coming to the property, just call them and advise of your situation and they will usually accommodate. All the institutions/companies I’ve dealt with have been fantastically supportive.

Sending you positive thoughts ❤️ Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Glasshalf,

You are not doing anything to your family except extricating yourself from an abusive relationship and setting a good example for your children which in later years they will understand. I have left for quite a while now and my child has gotten older and knows now what their father is like and asks me why did I stay so long?!

Of course there have been good times with your partner. If it was all bad, you would have already left and it’s a common feeling we all wrestle with. But you know in your gut you’re doing the right thing. Hold onto that.

A couple of things you’ve written concerned me:

You will need to get a prohibited steps order asap if he’s threatening to take the children (I’m assuming you both have parental responsibility?) I did involve the police when I left and they told me he could take my child and there was nothing they could do about it without an order. I would suggest getting legal advice asap.

The loan in your name. Can you get the money back from him and repay it in full? I’ve been left with £000s of debt in my name which he hasn’t contributed a penny to since separation. If it’s anything like my situation, the gloves will come off once you leave him and he won’t play fair – to the contrary the abuse ramped up post separation via child contact and financial arrangements.

Amicable co-parenting is unlikely to happen. Like you I wanted to do the right thing and did everything to try and make things easier for him and my child and was really pandering to my ex just to keep the peace. If I knew then what I know now, I should’ve took a hard line at the beginning as I’ve ended up having to now, x years later, re: child contact.

Obviously you can’t go into detail on this forum about your shared care of children and finances but you sound like you have had good advice from your solicitor. It might be worth considering taking it when you’re ready. From my own experience, my financials are only recently partially sorted and still a way to go (I’ve had to self rep in the end as couldn’t go on paying endless legal fees) and the length of time and involvement needed has taken a toll on me.

Good for you deciding to leave 💪 I’ve never regretted it and although it’s been a hard slog, I’m really starting to live and enjoy life free from abuse.

You will get there. Stay strong and safe. This can be a dangerous time when they feel like they’re losing control so be vigilant. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi nbumblebee

My last morning that I lived with my ex I woke up and got up and my thought was “this is no way to live”. After many years of abuse I left that day and never went back.

Like you I’d lived this dreadful life for such a long time and never thought I’d leave. Yet here i am…….

Don’t give up hun 💪 xxxx

[Lifebegins]

Hi @minimeerkat I just wrote a long response and it didn’t post 😩 I will do it again later xx

[Lifebegins]

What fantastic and inspirational news! It’s a long hard road and you’ve done amazing – well done you. Congratulations and now onwards and upwards.

Sending much love for the future ❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

Ah thanks nbumblebee. You are always so kind and giving of yourself and didn’t sound harsh at all. I’m kind of thinking out load when I post!

I have had loads of fab counselling and ongoing support from WA which has helped me identify and talk about the abuse and to cope with post separation abuse via the legal/child contact system. What I don’t think I’ve dealt with is myself, my insecurities, why I didn’t set boundaries, the long lasting effects of abuse on my personality etc. I wonder what counselling/courses there is out there to deal with this?

And you’ve really made me think when you say you don’t eat to punish yourself. Maybe I’m doing the other way round? I’m questioning my behaviour in a lot of ways at the moment.

For example, I had a lovely day out with a friend last week and we were drinking wine and she is someone who is absolutely non-judgemental and fun and I confessed to her that other than my family, she’s the only person I feel comfortable doing that with as my ex used to always make me feel like I made a fool of myself when we/I was out socialising. I used to be this fun loving, get everyone up dancing type of person and now I’m worried about what people think of me and second guessing myself so I purposely don’t socialise.

I’m now thinking this morning that perhaps I’m using overeating to make myself feel bad as I’m kind of used to feeling bad about something and that feeling is familiar to me at a time when I should be feeling really good.

There’s a lot to unpick here now I started thinking/talking about it…..thank god we have this site. It’s so good to have a safe place to talk about these things with women who understand. ❤️❤️❤️❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

Thanks nbumblebee, I think you and minimeerkat could be right that I need to see my GP. I always feel though as I’m making a big deal of nothing when I see my GP but I am really concerned. And I definitely think these recurring illnesses are stress related. I have been living with in relationship, and post separation, abuse for decades. And now for the first time I’m feeling properly free. Thanks to you both for sharing your health concerns as it means a lot to me to know I’m not alone.

Posting on here today and reading your responses has also made me think about whether I’m actually abusing myself at the moment with overeating and not taking care of myself so I look and feel a mess. I know what I’m doing is making me feel bad but I can’t seem to stop. I’m trying to be kind to myself and think maybe I just need to do this right now but I have historical issues with weight which I had to keep under strict control with my ex and I was always called fat this that and the other by him to make me feel bad and now I am. It’s a bit crazy making in my head at the moment!!!

I hope I don’t sound like I’m complaining about little stuff as I know I’m so lucky to have escaped and be almost at the end of all legal proceedings and free when others are not there yet. But it’s really important to me to be in good health and be the best I can be. I need my happy ending for me and my child 😀

Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi minimeerkat

I think you’re spot on re: I’m rushing myself and I shouldn’t put pressure on myself. I think I’m just desperate to have a normal abuse free life and I feel everything should be hunky dory as I’m out for so long. And I agree that the stress might be responsible for recurring illnesses. Someone just recommended reading the Body Keeps Score which I’m going to get as it’s about how the body is affected by trauma and how to address it. I hope it helps as I really want to feel my best and be happy 😃 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi @Bettertimesahead

Reading your post was spooky as your experience is so similar to mine I could’ve written it.

I started this thread a few months ago and good news is that what I was so despairing of, has now been successfully resolved. The amount of stress has been unbelievable but you push on as what else can you do. And you will get there. I’m dealing with things piecemeal now so I’ve still got further to go but not for some time and I’m taking a break from it until then and concentrating on other areas of my life.

I feel sad and lonely and bloody resentful too as all my efforts have been in legal battles and I’ve had nothing left in the tank for anything else. It’s exhausting. I just posted another thread as I’m feeling ill from it but determined to get better and live my best life. Everyone thinks I’m fine as I’ve been doing this for so long but I hear you, as my body is now saying otherwise.

You need to look at getting your restraining order extended until financial proceedings are concluded. It is a very contentious time and I totally understand the worry of having him back in the home. Pm me if you have any questions.

Although I’m struggling health wise I feel ecstatic that a large chunk of the legal issues are over. You will get there. Take heart. And stay strong 💪

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗

[Lifebegins]

Hi Chios123

I just saw your post had to respond as I can totally relate.

Firstly you are not disgusting or awful at all. You are a brave and amazing woman who has successfully discarded and left their abuser – an inexcusable crime in your ex’s eyes. Well done you. 💪

Now you have to deal with the aftermath of leaving and post separation abuse via your child, which is not something that gets a lot of discussion I think.

I had exactly the same. I used to feel sick to my stomach picking my child up after a visit as I’d be thinking what has been said about me this time to cause a problem/make my child feel bad/say abuse against me didnt happen/I was a liar etc. And that was both my ex and his paternal family. It’s disgraceful as they were looking after a young child but bad mouthing me was more important to them than my child’s welfare.

I can’t say that it has been easy to overcome. I had counselling with WA and was talking it through with them each time and how best to handle the situation. Lisa made some good suggestions for support for you which I think would be very helpful.

As my child was getting older they started to see their dad’s abusive behaviour for themselves and unfortunately be at the receiving end. This has resulted in them not wanting direct contact which I support. Life has been a lot easier since. They subsequently told me in full all the dreadful things that was being said to them from day 1 of visits and that they think their dad’s aim was just to abuse me through them as he knew they would tell me. What a sick individual. But I don’t know if that was the sole aim as I think abusers also want to get everyone inside and believing their narrative too.

I don’t know what arrangements you have in place – mine were always voluntary – but if my ex would try and force contact now I’d say no and go via the court. I spent ages pandering to him and putting up with bad behaviour to keep the peace and child contact going and all the while my child was being subjected to emotional abuse and sadly, in the end, physical abuse.

He/his family will never change but what you have is the power to change is your reaction to him/them. Take advice for yourself. Mine has been that I can refuse contact if there is risk to safety and/or wellbeing of child. Dependent on child’s age too, their wishes and feelings may be relevant. Keep a journal of everything. Most of all, get support on how to talk to your child about this so you can support them.

What id like to leave you with is that my relationship now with my child is at its best ever. We talk about everything, don’t always see eye to eye mind you, but they know I’m there for them 100% good or bad. Just keep on being the fab mother you’re being and it will come right.

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

I really think you need some professional support from a DV organisation to deal with this. You are being subjected to abuse right now. I’ve been where you are and I know it’s relentless and wears you down but you just can’t switch your phone off or block him as you will have to deal with the consequences.

I initially spoke to National Domestic Abuse helpline and they were great. They just talk through with you about your options, there’s no pressure to do anything. It’s really scary making the first phone call as it makes it feel real but I was so relieved after. I didn’t leave just then but it started me on the journey. I then spoke to my local Womens Aid and they supported me with my next moves.

Try and take a deep breath, go for a walk or do something to take your mind off it if you can. Placate him if you need to to minimise the texts. But I wouldn’t say that you’re going to cash in your pension. You need proper advice on how to deal with that request in a safe way whilst you work out what to do next.

Really feel for you ❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi All,

I’m currently reading a lot of ladies are struggling with leaving their abusive relationship so I’ve bumped this post by the inspirational @iliketea. Was really helpful to me and hopefully will help you too. Take heart a lot of the posts are from women who were you are and have now successfully left.

Stay strong and sending a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Rainydays

You’re mourning the life that you could’ve had, not that you will have. We all do it. And I think that’s one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. We dream of all the good things that could happen if only he wasn’t that way. But he is. And he won’t change.

I couldn’t see a life beyond what I had with him. My world had become so small. And there were some good times, enjoyable times, it’s not all bad or otherwise they wouldn’t keep you hooked.

I see all this with clarity now but it took a long time. What you never think though is that you’ll be able to create your own good times, holidays, meals out etc and they’ll be better as you’ll not be watching what you say or what you do in case you set him off. I’ve recently been on a girls holiday, which I never ever dreamed I’d do again as he would never allow it, and it was the most fun. I laughed the whole time.

It’s hard to make sense of it all and I’m not sure if you’ve done any reading on it but Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft were eye openers for me.

Stay strong 💪 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi startingtogo

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗

Sorry I can’t be of more help as I’m out longer than you and due to legal proceedings, child contact etc I’ve not been able to fully move on in my life. So I fully understand how you’re feeling.

I was discussing this with someone recently who has been out of an abusive relationship for a long time and they assured me we will get there. They said what you have to do is carry on with your own life and try to get to the point that whatever they do is just what they do, and you treat it as just a chore for you to deal with i.e. cleaning the toilet. It can be a dirty job but you do it without even thinking and definitely not stressing. I really like that – and it made me laugh. So next time I face some abusive tactic to get me to engage, I’ll deal with it as I would do cleaning the loo. Boom 5 minutes, a load of bleach and then forget about it until the next time.

btw well done you on how you’ve progressed so far. You’ve done amazing ❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hey rainydays

I hear you on a lot of what your partner is saying to you. My ex was the same. A lazy git who expected me to fund him and blamed me for having to go to work, albeit it sporadically. I ended up in huge debt and am only just sorting myself financially.

My advice would be to definitely not cash in your pension whatever he says. That is your future. And good news there is always a way out if you’re ready to take it.

I would contact Citizens Advice or Shelter for confirmation but I think you can give him notice and then after that date, just change the locks when he’s out. This could be risky as abuse often ramps up when they feel they’re about to be discarded (certainly happened in my case) so I’d definitely discuss this with Womens Aid or another DV agency to ensure you are properly supported and prepared. It might also be worth staying somewhere else after you’ve told him and until you’ve changed the locks to keep safe.

Another alternative could be to go and find a new place for you to rent (if you’re renting privately). Might not sound fair but it might be worth thinking about to have a quick clean break.

It is awful to feel how he’s making you feel. I remember that sick to my stomach feeling, and although I’ve had to go through a really drawn out horrendous divorce and child context/finances nightmare, not once do I regret leaving. This is our time to be living our best life ❤️

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi HFH,

I can totally relate and am sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning.

I was in a similar position a while back, not with the awful issue you’re facing with your child, but an incident with my child nonetheless caused by my ex. When I found out, my child needed my support. But I knew what I was facing with my ex again, police, children services etc, just after I thought a huge obstacle had finally been dealt with and I could catch my breath and enjoy life for a bit. It was like being hit in the stomach. You feel pain for your child and pain for yourself and I just felt I had nothing left in the tank to carry on.

But I did. As you will. Because it’s what we do. I had a massive cry, like you, and that did relieve some of the despair/stress I felt. Then, really importantly, I reached out for support. Mine was counselling (luckily I was getting support from WA) but I did toy with maybe I needed an anti depressant for a time. No shame in that at all. Turns out I didn’t but I was fully prepared to try that. Maybe have a chat with your GP if you haven’t already done so.

Losing your mum is so hard too- I lost mine (detail removed by Moderator) right, in the midst of when abuse was at its worse, and no time or space to grieve. So I understand. The grief has to come out sometime. And that’s ok we only grieve something or someone for whom we have much love.

You are not alone whilst you have us here. There is probably no one that understands what you are going through better than the ladies on this forum. I wish I’d seen this last night when you reached out.

It feels like it’s never going to end (I’ve posted about this a number of times and you’ve been a great source of advice and comfort). But it will pass and you’ve had a great f*#% it attitude in the past. You need just to get your own oxygen mask on now so you can support your child.

Here if you need me ❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hey Gerbil

Well done you on deciding to leave. It took me a long time to leave too and I never thought I’d do it. But I’m out a while now like Hope123 and I’ve never once regretted it.

You mention things you’re worried about which I think are pretty normal. You are definitely making the right choice for yourself and your kids and setting them a good example which I know can be difficult to see right now when your in the thick of it. And all of you may require support after – just something to bear in mind – I got counselling support from WA and counselling for my child through the school and it’s been great. My child is really thriving.

I would hugely suggest going no contact after you leave if at all possible. It gives you the chance to breathe and get yourself together and break the bonds. And you won’t know what he has to say and who to blame then too I thought it wouldn’t be possible with legal stuff/child but it actually wasn’t difficult- I just used third parties and solicitor. Here for advice on that if you need it.

Don’t think about him and his reaction. Really really hard I know as putting him first is what all of us are conditioned to do. But you and your kids come first now. And you should try and focus on that and the good times ahead. Picture that instead. I’ll give you an example, one of the last outings I went on with my ex and child was just awful. He had a big tantrum and ruined it for us all before we left and then forced us to still go. It was awful. A few days after I left him, my child and I and friends went on same outing and it was such a fun day and we had a great time. And I have lots of these examples. This is what you’ve got to look forward to.

You can definitely cope on your own. That was the brilliant bit about when I first left. The peace. Even with all the change going on around me, me and my child not being shouted at, demeaned, criticised, threatened, having to walk on eggshells, etc anymore was just such a relief. And financially I coped, much better actually as I’ve control over the finances now. And the only change to my workload is that I have to put the bins out, as I did it all anyway. I was very isolated too and not many friends but relied heavily on those I do have and my family who actually live quite far away. And I’ve now reconnected with some old friends, had my first girlie holiday, joined some groups to do hobbies with. You have all that to look forward to. Yes it’s going to be tough being on your own but you got this.

Re: the unknown, all I can say is that it’s probably going to be a rollercoaster and you should take all the support you can from everywhere you can (keep posting here too as you might have a lot of questions and I got tons of help from the forum). But I can’t recall reading one post from someone who left and regretted it.

You should feel very proud of yourself. best of luck. And we’re here for you.

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea,

I’ll pm you soon but put post on here in case it helps anyone else.

Nothing at all you can do about it. First time it happened to me I spent about £500 on legal fees/mediation (mediation waste of time ladies, don’t do it!) to be told there’s no way I can enforce it and I either just put up with it or dump my child on him on the due date, which I couldn’t inflict on my child and he knew I wouldn’t do. I told my child he had to work and that I was happy about it as we got more holiday together so they accepted that without complaint but who knows how they felt?!

Second time it happened I was prepared with plan b, so I just said “no worries!” “And great that I get to spend extra time with my child”. Wasn’t the response my ex was expecting! Told my child the same again. And I also said he wouldn’t be able to see them again until the next visitation date as I had plans for my dates (which I did) and couldn’t be changed. He had the cheek to get upset at that as expected me to change my planned dates to suit him. Their sense of entitlement has no bounds!

Third time my child was pretty upset to be dropped yet again and they were getting older and beginning to see his behaviour for themselves (there were other things in play at that time too) so they were pretty happy not to have to go. These men reveal themselves to their kids eventually. Disney Dad becomes Disappointing Dad. I’m not happy about this because I’d much prefer that my child has a decent dad but it’s the reality of it.

Of course, this is all about making things difficult for you and maybe them doing something with their time off instead of having the kids. It’s really rubbish that your temp work is impacted but if he was aware of it, that was the intention. Don’t let him know anything.

What’s so frustrating is that should you deny contact, all and sundry would be on your back about it. He, however, can do as he pleases including mess you about re: maintenance and no one gives a hoot. That’s the reality too.

As you know we’re out about the same time and I’m still having a load of crap to deal with just as you are. What saddos that they just can’t move on. I have nothing but disdain for him. I’m embarrassed that I was ever with him! And for so long!

I know your kids are still a bit young so I’d say whatever it takes to soften the blow for them this time round. Of course you also now have the added financial burden so get straight onto to CMS to amend number of days/nights he has them to see if that makes any difference. If my ex is anything to go by, there won’t be any additional money to cover the change of plans.

Take care hun. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 I’ll pm you when I have another free minute xx

[Author]

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