Lightning-Jet

[Lightning-Jet]

This sounds so similar to my situation; its like Jekyll and Hyde. I have the same as you, its never physical, its all about the scars you can’t see. Constant name calling – but its me who takes it the wrong way apparently – nothing is ever his fault.

I find writing things down a good thing; as I know that I have normalised his behaviour to a point as a way to cope, but when you read back what has been going on it makes you realise just how much you are having to deal with and that it is unacceptable.

For the HA; you will be responsible for the rent (both of you will be) but it might be worth contacting the HA confidentially to see where you stand. There are usually policies in place for DA victims.

The nice period is all a part of the cycle; it will be short lived. I have gone round and round in circles many times and I am sad to say I am still trying to battle my way out.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Lightning-Jet]

Sorry – that meant to say he is sending inappropriate messages to her

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Stargazing1,

We absolutely do know their true colours; they are like 2 different people. They wear a mask in public, which is the same mask they wore when they first met you.
But the majority of the time, the mask is only removed behind closed doors.

I’m not convinced they can change either, I’ve had it for so many years now, I find it hard to believe my OH will ever be any different. But I do find it so hard trying to make that break from him.

They have a sense of entitlement and expect intimacy when they want it. In actual fact, its the last thing you want when they treat you the way they do.

When he is nice, its all to suck you back in again; all part of their cycle. Look up bread crumbing – its just a part of their manipulation tactics.

Speaking to you like that is never ok and you are absolutely entitled to your opinion! They do expect you to just sit and listen to them, you are only allowed to agree with them, but disagreeing with them is forbidden!

Being in a toxic environment at home where it is supposed to be a safe space, will affect how you cope in other areas of life. Even the smallest things can seem like the worst thing in the world.

It is not your fault, you do not control how he acts. Please don’t beat yourself up!

He has no right to belittle, mock, be disrespectful towards you – and you have every right to get away from the toxicity.

Sending you a big hug x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Babybird, my heart breaks reading this; what you have been subjected to is absolutely terrible. What a nasty piece of work!
Alcohol is never an excuse – they know exactly what they are doing. When he is losing control and starts to lash out – he is purposely not wanting to leave any physical marks on you, as this is evidence and also he has a public image which he wants to protect.
With the name calling and the takeaways; he wants you to feel as low as he does. He wants to think that you aren’t attractive to anyone else. He doesn’t want anyone else to even glance in your direction – he is insanely jealous. In his mind, someone looking at you – means you’re having an affair. Totally unreasonable, unjustified, unnecessary behaviour.
He will have an issue with all of your friends and family; because he will be petrified that he will be exposed for what he is.
I know from experience, whenever I go anywhere, I will get messages, phone calls asking where I am, when I am going to be back. Its not out of love, its because of control. He wants to know who I am with. He will even, when I get home, then go drinking with his mates because he knows I am away from everyone else and he can see on the security camera if I have gone out or if anyone has turned up. He has even listened in via the camera before when I have been at home to see if I am talking to anyone. Its absolutely ridiculous.

Sorry, back to you Babybird, I hope that he does leave without causing any further issues, but you need support in place for sure. If anything else happens, I would consider logging it with the police, or if you feel intimidated and at risk, call them immediately.
It is a really scary prospect being alone; its all part of the trauma bonding; you can’t live with them, but you feel you can’t live without them either. You can absolutely live without him!
You will have low points and high points. But; I try to look on situations as if it was a close friend going through it and what I would advise them. During the lows you may feel like you want him back; but when you look at everything he has put you through, why would you want that again? You will get through the low period and your life will be so much better in time. I know that I need to take my own advice as well, as I am still not away from mine.
He will already be telling people that you are the issue, he will be telling many lies; again all he will be thinking about is protecting his image. He knows what he does, he knows its wrong and against the law. I know its hard, but those he is bad mouthing you to, if they believe it, more fool them – and they aren’t worth worrying about. You know the truth, he knows but won’t admit the truth.

Going no contact is the best option, as hard as it is. But with what you have been subjected to; I would definitely make sure you have support in place to help you every step of the way.

One last thing – it is absolutely not you; do not blame yourself. You are not being dramatic at all; you have been subjected to terrible abuse. But, you are a survivor! Take care xx

[Lightning-Jet]

Ah yes, this is a classic tactic. He is trying to see if he still has hold over you. He wants to see if you will feel sorry for him, oh boohoo I’ve hurt myself, feel sorry for me.
He will have built up the trauma-bond with you over time, he is hoping you will still have some sort of loyalty towards him, that you care for him still. Any little thing he can try to grab onto as a way of trying to get you back under his control.
He is also trying to guilt trip you for not being with him anymore; he will provoke you, he will want a reaction from you. When he doesn’t get the response he is hoping for; he will show his true colours again.
Don’t pander to him – go Grey Rock, very disinterested in him

[Lightning-Jet]

Ah sweetheart, I too have asked myself if I am being unfair about the abuse I receive at home.
The frog analogy is a very good one. In the beginning, its all nice, overly nice in many cases. But you feel so swept off your feet and happy; you don’t see the potential for anything to be wrong. The love bombing stage – where its all hearts and flowers, gifts – full of promises. They seem like the perfect catch. They do everything they can to build your trust.
Gradually, the gas is turned on and the ignition button is pressed. The increase in heat is so slow, you don’t notice it. The odd nasty comment here and there, little excuses to stop you seeing your family/friends, then the gaslighting may start – no you’re not remembering things correctly, I didn’t say that, you did. They may start to criticise the things you do; telling you that you are a rubbish home maker, that you don’t look after them like you should. They may accuse you of cheating, monitor your social media or when you are showing as online. They may start to embarrass you, or make fun of you in front of friends, they may use the children to get at you. It will slowly intensify day by day and eventually, they control your life without you realising. By this time, the water is at boiling point and you are still there.
In my experience, I have found that after a day or 2 of the eye rolling, silent treatment, making you feel on edge and awkward – its like the flick of a switch and its all changed. You see a glimmer of the person you fell for. All feels better for a short time, you may have even had an apology. But you don’t stay on that part of the cycle for long and they soon start to head towards the next stage of the cycle where the slowly start to ramp up the abusive behaviour again.
People often ask why you don’t just leave. Its not that simple. You get addicted to the highs and lows – you are feeling stressed a lot of time and crave feeling pleasure. That little glimmer hope is what you naturally cling to.
Its important to realise that their arguments, are circular. There is no beginning or end to them – you just go round and round and round. They have an answer for everything, even if that answer is wrong – they will be adamant that they are right. The only way to get out of the cycle of abuse, is to break that cycle. Which is easy said, but so hard to actually do.
There is so much more to life, you deserve so much better! I need to break the cycle myself, I know I have to, but I feel like I am tied up in knots.

[Lightning-Jet]

Oh; welshwoman21 pushing his hand away is still refusing and he should not have continued. You need to get some help now; you have every right to refuse; it is your body.

You need to be safe; please be careful x

[Lightning-Jet]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this; I know all too well how it feels to be given the silent treatment.

For me; I used to just carry on regardless; doing any housework as normal and just let him sulk. They can say whatever they please – but they will act like a child if we dare to give them any truths.

I know its hard and the tension feels horrible. But on the other hand, he is probably enjoying making you feel awkward. This is what they do.

Have some you time; leave him to it. He’ll soon act like nothing has happened.

Take care; hope you are ok x

[Lightning-Jet]

Thank you both, everything he does seems to annoy me these days and I struggle to see any good. I’m tired of the games, the control.

My health is suffering for sure. I have to be up early to get everything ready and to look after the dogs before work. He lies in bed until its time to leave. Listing everything that he expects to be done to make sure it has been done.
But at night, I’m not allowed to go to bed until he is ready to go. This can be very late, but he still gets 8 hours in bed, whereas I get 6. But in the past when I have gone up to bed regardless, he has then followed and continue verbally abusing me.

Any tips on how to stand my ground and tell him that I am going to bed and to stop him from following and continuing to verbally abuse me?

Thank you x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Moonflower,

I am so sorry to read this, my child has suffered similar and I too am struggling to get out of this abusive relationship.

When I am apart from him, I plan what to do, I know how to handle it.

But, when he returns after work, everything goes out of the window. My confidence goes, my plan goes straight out of my head. I clam up, and just feel full of hatred when I look at him. But I just can’t actually speak.

He too blames me infront of my child. I hate him for it and I hate myself for staying.

It’s such a horrible situation to be in.

Please don’t give up, you can get through this for your daughters sake.

Please do contact your local WA for help

Take care & big hugs

[Lightning-Jet]

That’s the manipulation that makes you hesitate. I experienve very similar, it definitely follows the abuse cycle.
I’ve been going around and around for a long time now. The building up, the blow out, the apologies and promises then a quiet period. Classic abuse cycle and yet I can’t seem to break out of it.

The nice times make me doubt leaving. They are masters at making us feel this way.

It doesn’t matter how horrible they are, afterwards it’s all hearts and flowers. In reality, its just to keep us hooked. It’s a game to them. A game which I want no part of but feel forced to be in.

You are not alone, one day you will have to strength to leave, I hope we all do!

L-J x

[Lightning-Jet]

Its you that’s abusive not me
Lighten up for once, can’t you take a joke?
You’re too serious all the time, everyone agrees with me
You don’t remember things correctly
I didn’t say that, you did
You should try listening in future, then you wouldn’t get things wrong
You need to go to the Drs, clearly you’re not wired right
I thought you’d done the housework; doesn’t look like you’ve done a thing, are you sure you did it?
That’s typical you, turning things around on me
You don’t want to go there, or do you want to go because you want to be around other men?
You need me, you can’t live without me and you know that deep down. You are nothing without me.
Wives are supposed to look after their husbands; shows what a shit wife you are, you can’t do anything right can you – everyone says how I deserve better.

[Lightning-Jet]

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do, the manipulation, gaslighting, walking on eggshells; then that little glimmer of hope when you see the person they always said they were.

Its all very calculated to make you feel like you are going mad; to keep you in the relationship, to make you be dependent on them so they can control every aspect of your life.

The apologies are empty, they mean nothing. Its just words.

I am in a similar situation, struggling to get out for a long time. Hating myself for putting up with it time and time again. The abuse cycle is absolutely bang on it really is. I feel I have been going round and round so many times.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it can make you feel worse when other people are managing to get out; but one day you will too!

Wishing you all the very best, good luck and remember we are all here for you when you need it

L-J x

[Lightning-Jet]

I am so sorry you are suffering in this way. I have similar issues with mine, very secretive, unwilling to give money unless it is fully justified. Says he has no money when clearly he does.
Please speak to the CAB, you shouldn’t have to live like this!

Wishing you the best of luck

Take Care x

[Lightning-Jet]

Purple cupcake, I have thought exactly the same as you; sometimes I wish he would just be physically abusive, just so I can justify ending the relationship.
Even though I know on behaviour alone, I would be fully justified in saying I’ve had enough – many times over.
But those few times when they are nice, it just adds to the confusion.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi there, the kids will feel happy and settled in a non-toxic environment. Abusers will manipulate by any means necessary and unfortunately children are a sure fire way to get at you – that is no reflection on you. You are a mother who wants best for her children.

There is no beginning or end to their arguments, but saying he isn’t going to beg you to stay; is said to make you feel unwanted, it is said on purpose to confuse you and make you second guess yourself.

Its an incredibly hard situation to remove yourself from.

I found reading up about trauma bonding helped me.

[Lightning-Jet]

Yes the low days are absolutely the worst; it is absolutely down to that one person being a constant in our lives. They try to make us feel like we are going mad and in my experience encourage us to go on medication as we are not “wired right”.

Even if I am in a really happy mood; there are still accusations thrown at me.

I agree; it is them that cause us to have the symptoms of depression. No pills will get rid of the problem; as they are the problem that needs to be dealt with.

It is exhausting trying to get everything in place. I sometimes feel like I am at the bottom of a cliff face looking up and wondering how the heck I am going to get up to the top – freedom.

Absolutely it is all we can do! keep smiling 🙂

L-J x

[Lightning-Jet]

Oh no; I’m so sorry to hear that. I would do exactly the same with my pet.

Completely understandable that you would freeze; you don’t want to be hit again. Your OH is unpredicatable and you are trying to protect yourself.

Its good that you are having some good days; I know the bad days can feel like you’ve taken a step back, but that’s not the case; I hope you are feeling better today.

I had a couple of low days this week; but I am feeling much more positive today.

Take care hun x

[Lightning-Jet]

Yep, strange isn’t it? I think its partially how they look at you. They are masters at looking like the injured party! I think its also the aftermath that is of concern!

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Iwantmeback,

Absolutely – keep repeating that to yourself, that’s what I am doing now. If he is trying to argue and I just think over and over ” you do not and will not dictate my life” maybe one day I will actually say it rather than just think it.

You will get stronger with time; I certainly am getting stronger now. There is only so much we can put up with; everyone has a breaking point.

Don’t worry about having to go onto Benefits, there is so much help out there for you; get as much support as you can.

It is so hard; I feel the same. I feel so guilty trying to get things in place so I can tell him to go. That’s exactly what they do; they force you to become secretive.

I totally agree with you; the persona they show to other people is completely different to the person we have to deal with at home. They have a completely warped view of life. They think how they act is normal – or they like to believe that how they act is normal.

They will use any excuse in the book!

I can see all of this happening to me and I can see myself going around the cycle again and again and again. In fact I have lost count of the amount of times. But if I can see all that – why can’t I break free??

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Flowerchild,

No I absolutely don’t; although he moved in with me so he should be the one to leave! That’s the problem, I have given him so many chances now, its all words. His actions never back it up.

Its so difficult to know what to do for the best; how to go about things.

He does seem to think that he owns me; but he absolutely does not. I am getting my life on track and despite how he is; I am doing my own thing occasionally and I am to do this more and more. He will not dictate my life!!

Thank you
L-J x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Iwantmeback,

Thank you, he really is but other people think he is this amazing person, if only they saw the monster I see. I too found it extremely hard to seek help. I think partly because I wasn’t sure what I was experiencing would be classed as abuse.

Absolutely; I too find myself lost for words. Of course I think afterwards of all the things I could have said. But when they stare at you waiting for you to say something; words fail me. I suppose that is why they are able to tie us up in knots with what they say. I only see a glimmer of the person he used to be – or the person I thought he was.

I have thought many times “what could I have possibly done for him to be as he is with me”. I am beginning to realise now that it is him with the issue, not me. Its not what I have done at all; its all in his twisted, manipulative mind.

I am so sorry to hear you have tried to end your life; no-one should ever make you feel that way. It is the relationship with your OH that needs to go.

I hope you find the strength to break away from your OH; wishing you all the very best of luck, it will be worth it!

L-J x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi DIYmum,

Thank you so much for your reply; I haven’t read it no, but i have now purchased it, thank you

Yes I feel so small when he is like that infront of other people. I feel embarrassed. I know he is doing it purposely to control and manipulate me; but I never know how to react. I know if I say the wrong thing it will make things worse for me.

I do absolutely need to get out now; before it goes any further. I’m just worried about the backlash I will have from it.

Being with my OH makes me wonder at this moment whether I will be able to trust another man again.

I don’t know why I can’t just say those words, I want you to leave. When I am on the spot and he is demanding answers; I never know how to respond as I am worried about his reaction.

I know in my heart that he will never be any different; I have had years of this and many promised which he has never fulfilled.

Thank you, I really appreciate your message x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Sunflowersandstars,

No I rarely do anything I want to do; I don’t see friends, I don’t see much of my family.

I have tried to talk to him many times about how he makes me feel; but it makes no difference.

I have nothing in common with his friends, one or 2 I get on with ok.

I just feel like I am living my life in his shadow.
L-J

[Lightning-Jet]

Thanks Chickadee,

You are exactly right, it is the fear and control. I worry about when to tell him, I worry about the reaction, it is so difficult it really is.

I know I need to break that cycle once and for all, it amazes me that the pattern of abuse is a classic example & I just didn’t see it coming.

Thank you so much x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Maddog,

I hope you get out safely soon, its so hard trying to plan everything isn’t it & its difficult dealing with the feeling of being the baddie. Even though we know what they are constantly putting us through.

Sadly, some people will make up stories and call the police to try to take the spotlight off them and make you out to be the problem.

I really hope you manage to get out safely soon, you shouldn’t feel scared around him incase he has an outburst. Its just not right x

[Lightning-Jet]

Oh hun,

I am so sorry to read this, its horrible to say, but you need to be very wary over that. Mine has also started to go to counselling saying it is to do with his anger and his drinking. Theres no way he will be admitting to any abuse.

Please please please get some help, call the line when you can, find out about local support.

Take care x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hiya hun,

Yes I do dread to think how he will be when I leave him, I really do dread it.

Absolutely, my child is my top priority and I know I have to get out for his sake. The bad times outweigh the good & I don’t want my son to suffer. I am getting the support and I have also got support for him in place as well.

Wow, you know that is an excellent question to ask. Being completely honest, my answer would be the same. He offers me absolutely nothing. Its not love when someone constantly puts tears in your eyes.

Yep, he doesn’t love, he just wants to control and abuse.

Well – let me tell you, he picked the wrong girl to do this to. I am stronger than he thinks & I will continue doing what I need to in preparation for leaving him.

Thank you!

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Lilia,

You are exactly correct! If a friend was going through this I would absolutely tell them they deserve better and need to get out of the toxic relationship x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi SunshineRainFlower,

FOG, that is absolutely correct. I see exactly what you are saying there, we are good people and instantly feel guilty if they play the victim.
This has happened to me on many occasions now. He knows how to play me. He knows I can’t be horrible to people so he uses that to his advantage. That is one manipulative trick they have.

This is exactly true, the guilt should be on them. They are the ones who have committed crime. In all fairness, my family do worry about that. Whilst he has physically struck me once, there is always a potential for more.

That is a good thing to do, I think we know deep down when something isn’t right.

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