Wiseafter

[Wiseafter]

Me too, wakemeup. Debt is a material result of how I was manipulated and controlled that will be with me for years, like a constant reminder, no matter where I go, or what I do. During my relationship my abuser expected me to pay for everything – bills, mortgage, insurance, food, holidays, kids clothes, repairs, the car, petrol, birthday meals and events – even Christmas – all my responsibility. He took out loans and cards in my name. He said he would pay his way but he would ‘forget’ and if I pushed the point he would rage that I was petty or mean – didn’t I trust him? Sometimes he stuffed money down my top or threw it at me. Sadly, after I had got away from him, I used spending as a way to distract myself and manage my feelings which were soothed for a minute by shopping. I look for other ways to self-soothe now but it is a hard road and I needed a good therapist to help me. Also, I called Citizens Advice as first step. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone, so be kind to yourself. xx

[Wiseafter]

I know I didn’t think about it before I got out. Now I know it was just another form of abusive control. My abuser had specific ways of controlling me called ‘anchoring’ (using objects, touch, words, certain songs, memories etc) and future faking to keep me hooked and giving more and more. He somehow made me feel responsible and paying out so that I was the one that had the skin in the game, not him. It was deliberate manipulation and driven not from a desire for a better future with me or the kids, but the need to control me in the moment. He could then deny the promises he made. Talk is cheap and after all, it is his word against mine and I am unhinged, forgetful and unreliable. It was like a sick game, being around friends was excruciating as my abuser held forth about our latest grand plans, boasting about this or that. The lies and pipe dreams. The rage on the way home as he accused me of not having his back, not believing in him, even if I had kept my face neutral or the smile plastered on. Another thing I found weird and I don’t know whether you guys know what I mean but my abuser seemed to have no sense of time – weeks, months, years – it meant nothing to him, something that happened yesterday was ‘in the past’ or on the flip side he would bring up a small thing I did or said years and years ago saying it happened recently and he would rage about it – very strange. To all of you still in this kind of dynamic, be strong and know you are not alone. xxxx

[Wiseafter]

Hey Orchidblue, Hope you are OK, I know you sent this post a little while ago so hope you and the kids are on the mend, sending you love. I used to be so bitter towards my ex because he never stepped up and deliberately avoided all childcare after we split and never gave me a penny. I had three kids on my own and over time I just stopped having any expectations of him at all, almost as if he didn’t exist. I just pretended he was gone and that was that. Yes it was really hard work but overall things changed for the better because I had no choice but to step up but I was in control and did it all in my own time, at my own pace. When you are in a dark place and sick you need help. Please do see if you can find some local organisations to help you. Gingerbread maybe? Speak to your GP too. I had to reach out sometimes and that way I found other people who needed my help and visa versa. Put yourself first, focus on self-care, self-love and don’t try and do it all at once – baby steps. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi Lostsquirrel, I hope you are OK. There is no question that his behaviour is abusive and controlling and you have shown enormous strength to stand up to him and put yourself and your needs first. I was with my partner for about the same amount of time and relate to much of what you have described. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you will get through this. Slowly, slowly you are taking your power back because you have it in you – I can tell. There are others who are better placed than me to advise on what kind of support is out there and next steps (I know Women’s Aid can help direct you to the best place to access advice and support in your local area) but I think a non-molestation court order to stop him being able to access your home, harass and intimidate you further may be the first thing. Making sure you feel safe is the first priority. You could also speak to your GP about getting some counselling or therapy for the anxiety and depression, especially if you feel isolated. I know from experience that not being able to share with others and rely on friends can be tough when your partner has isolated you and nobody knows the truth about what went on at home. It helps to talk to someone you trust about what you are going through. Keep posting. Sending you a big hug xx

[Wiseafter]

Duly noted. Thanks xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi Eggshells, I hope you are well. Yes absolutely, I think this is a perfect description of what I went through. I will never get back the time, money, effort and love spent trying to make it work over many years. My ex future-faked from the start; mirroring my hopes, desires and dreams to keep me focussed on a mythical perfect future (the fallacy) and ignoring the abuse and devaluation happening in the present (the reality). He used to tell me we were trying to build something important and worthwhile so what did a few arguments, silent treatments, shoves or fights matter in the long run? That my feelings did not matter. That we were so close to making it. That makes me sad and angry to think about. This form of mind control is powerfully effective. I also think part of me wanted to be in denial about the sunk cost fallacy because it would have forced me to face up to the truth about my relationship when I had spent years hiding it, even from myself. Xx

[Wiseafter]

Thank you, I have just had a very difficult meeting with Citizens Advice which has left me exhausted but it one step nearer being in control again financially and taking stock. I am experiencing feelings of vulnerability that are completely alien to me having spent years hiding my feelings and pretending I was OK when I wasn’t – my coping mechanisms are all shot to pieces and I have to start again. Putting myself first is not something I am used to. I was powerless in the relationship but made to feel 100% responsible which was a horrible situation to be in. I am faced with all of these feelings I have hidden which are coming to the surface and it is incredibly raw. I think you are right about sharing. I need to speak about it but choosing the right place and people is paramount. I have a good therapist and I have begun to write things down and will continue to do this. Will look at the book you suggested, have a lovely day X

[Wiseafter]

Thanks to all of you for your incredibly supportive responses which I really do treasure – I will take the advice about support with finances etc and look forward to posting again soon. Enjoy the rest of this precious Friday lovelies xx

[Wiseafter]

I understand and empathise with you, have experienced exactly the same kind of scenario and hung around ‘letting’ him treat me that way for many, many years so let’s get one thing straight, you are not pathetic. You need some support because what you are experiencing is abuse and it is really horrible. It is good to read up on the chemical reactions that happen in your brain when you go through the cycle of ‘sweet and mean’ it helps to understand why you feel so hooked and unable to break away and that you are being manipulated essentially. Try not to beat yourself up about your reactions, it isn’t your fault and it feels like mental torture because that is exactly the tactic being used.

[Wiseafter]

Buddy this has been going on so long now, I hope you are OK. I experienced silent treatment from my ex and it is devastating. I didn’t know it was abuse at the time, I kept trying to understand, to reason and even begged him – but nothing. He wouldn’t even look at me. Being ignored as if you don’t exist or having to pussyfoot around someone who appears to hate you is awful and no way to live. I think lockdown and the weeks of silent treatment were some of the worst of my life and have fundamentally changed who I am for ever because it opened the door on all the other abuse I went through, shone a light and forced me to wake up and realise my whole life was a lie. I have never felt so lonely, distraught, confused and terrible about myself and I am still suffering the after effects but the main thing is I got away from him. Buddy, it is not OK to be treated like this it really isn’t. Sending you the comfort that you do matter, you do have a voice and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect as a basic human right.

[Wiseafter]

Hi, I agree with KIP. My first thoughts were that he is objectifying you, not seeing you as a real person with emotions and feelings that deserve respect but as an object for his sexual gratification. He may also be playing victim (‘pathetic’) so that you feel sorry for him and give in, either to come back to him, or have sex with him. Either way, please put yourself first and if you feel uncomfortable around him, just leave. You don’t owe him an explanation and you are not responsible for him, or his actions. Stay strong – you are doing really well and will be OK.

[Wiseafter]

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Lockdown was a nightmare. Normal is a word that doesn’t apply to what takes place, the mask slips and full time abusive aggressor comes into the arena. Also, the grief after you are out. It is overwhelming. Talking to GP and getting some specialist therapy, posting and sharing, getting validation for our experiences we can’t share elsewhere, gentle activity, learning breathing exercises for relaxation and controlling the overwhelm, making small decisions and relishing in acts of freedom and choice, rebuilding lost relationships with friends and family and self-nurturing by eating well, sleeping well and acknowledging our emotions and how we feel and being kind to ourselves above all else all help. Startingtogo, I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. It is awful to be living in this way but there is hope and taking baby steps is absolutely the right way to go, unless you are at risk, threatened or assaulted, in which case call 999 straight away.

It is good to start by getting advice from DA helpline (they are very busy but keep trying), women’s aid helplines and rights of women/FLOWS for legal advice. Also, talk to your GP for referral to help in your area and counselling. Find out how much money you have and where and what your legal position is (Rights of Women, FLOWS or through a lawyer, free if you are entitled to legal aid otherwise about £100 for an hour consultation). Do not try to reason with him, you do not need to defend yourself, justify or apologise and remember, none of this is your fault, or your responsibility, no matter what he may say. Stay calm, breathe deep. His angry spiteful words are not facts, they are just weapons designed to hurt and diminish you. Keep a daily journal and record any previous acts or abuse and how you felt. There are many books out there on abuse but advise starting with Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, Healing from Hidden Abuse Shannon Thomas and Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? they will help you enormously and are essential for understanding what has happened to you and why men behave the way they do. Keep posting x

[Wiseafter]

Hey Featheredge – my ex lost weight too, played the victim and looked broken, he was a shadow of his former self and blamed me because I finally stood up for myself! I felt enormous guilt because I loved him very much and it is hard. But, the kind of walking on eggshells relationship is harmful to our bodies and our minds because of the affects of long term stress and fear and the trauma bonding. Please don’t feel guilty, you have not broken him. He broke himself through his abusive behaviour and you are not responsible for him, he is a grown adult. I found it helpful to write down all the things that my ex did and said to me that were awful, abusive and controlling and how I felt. I read it when I started to feel guilty or bad about what happened. I now also see that even the ‘good’ times were nothing but a manipulation to keep me sweet – I’m so sorry, this is so hard but don’t give up. xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi, just to say I totally get your feelings of guilt etc, but you say you are safe and supported so please, please put yourself first and stay that way. If you haven’t read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that (and forgive me if someone has already mentioned it) it is enlightening as to why abusive men rarely, if ever, change their ways. I gave my ex another chance last year when I left and came back. After a honeymoon phase when we re-connected and he felt secure that he had hooked me in again, he was perfectly happy to treat me worse than before because he had threatened and abused me and I had STILL given him another chance and he played on that to ‘up’ his abusive behaviour secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t going anywhere! I now realise that I was showing him that I did not love or respect myself – so why should he? Taking responsibility for our actions or re-actions to abusive behaviour or manipulative situations is appropriate where we can work that through safely on the forum or with therapists or people we trust, this is much better and healthier than going back into an abusive situation where we are unsafe again. x

[Wiseafter]

Hi Hazy, I am always amazed by how much strength you have. Despite all the loss you listed, you are doing so well. Being only a couple of weeks since losing your lovely little doggy, I think you are allowed to grieve and feel down – not surprising given the amount of things that have happened. I am so glad you post on here when you feel that way because I do too. I honestly don’t know what I would do without the lovely ladies on this forum, my virtual friends who just ‘get it’ without asking a million questions, or treating my life like an episode of a soap opera! Sometimes just the effort of speaking to people who don’t share my experiences or who have no frame of reference for them puts me off contacting them. I’m sure it will get better with time but I completely get how war veterans can only share their experience with other veterans! Being a survivor of abuse carries the same weight of loneliness and isolation from the vast majority of people’s lives. Anyway, enough late night ramblings, just wishing you a better tomorrow and a good night. x

[Wiseafter]

Tinkbella, nothing he says is real. It is all just rubbish designed to put you down. It is absolutely part of the abuser’s MO to ruin a ‘nice’ evening with hurtful and attacking words or actions, thinly disguised humour or subtle digs. It hurts because it is hurtful. It causes you to become offended because it is offensive. Then, when you react, he has won because he has manipulated you nicely where he wants you and can sit back and blame you for reacting when you have every reason to be upset. Remember, it is not about what he has said or done, it is about him being abusive and manipulative. The only thing you can do is tell yourself it is all rubbish, none of it is true, none of it matters and he will never change. Mind games, gas lighting, verbal abuse, name calling, blaming, lying and causing offence, all part of the abuser’s arsenal of word weaponry to shift power back to them when they feel you are getting to comfortable or things are going too well.

[Wiseafter]

Hi, I had an amazing therapy session today and would like to pass on the wisdom. I learned that there are different nerve responses in the body depending on different stimuli. Basically we have nerves that serve the body when we are reaching out to people we love, nurturing ourselves and doing things we love, that motivate and stimulate our positive good feelings and we feel a sense of trust and peace. Then there are nerves that cause the body to respond with fight or flight, like being under perceived or real attack, when we feel threatened and unsafe, our heart races and we are in a heightened state of fear. The final set are to do with prolonged exposure to feeling unsafe and attacked, basically when we shut down and stop fighting the second stage. Pounding heart is a matter of normality, stress, anxiety and depression kick in. We may be numb to our feelings, unable to feel joy or even cry. We have become trained that resistance is futile and lack of safety is a permanent state that we live with, sometimes for years. I know this is where I ended up, ricocheting between the second and third states. So, I will pass on the advice given to me which is to nurture ourselves, our bodies and our souls whenever and as much as we can, don’t feel we have to answer questions or defend ourselves to others who question why we stayed with our abuser and don’t be around people who bring us down or don’t have our best interests at heart. It means eating well, sleeping, speaking to our GP if needed, and building trusted support around us, taking time out to be alone and come to terms with our experiences, accepting our feelings good and bad and breathe, breathe, breathe. The good news is the body can unlearn trauma with time. Do what feels good, find places of safety and protection. Nurture your soul with your music, your faith, whatever it takes and you will heal.

[Wiseafter]

Agree and yes, definitely stick to what is yours outright to remove. I haven’t touched exes things apart from to box them up, lock stock and barrel but not to remove, or dispose of. Depends on what kind of bloke he is, mine had a photographic memory for exactly what was where, even down to old packaging he didn’t want thrown away. Also, it is amazing how quickly attachment I had to things I thought of as sentimental value has just disappeared. I honestly don’t care about any of it. As soon as he left I had a massive clear out of my stuff because before I wasn’t allowed to throw anything away, sounds nuts but that was my life, drowning in clutter. So great to wish it all goodbye. Four trips to the dump and multiple loads to charity shop. Gone, gone, gone. Out with the old, in with the new!

[Wiseafter]

Hi where I live storage varies from £100 – £300 p/m. Be careful on promo deals as the costs can spike after the promo ends and you have to ensure you can afford it longer term just in case. Stuff is just stuff. It isn’t as important as peace of mind, sanity and health in the grand scheme of things. I do advise getting as much legal and financial advice as possible before you take any action and knowing the facts about what you are entitled to in terms of divorce/housing/finance helps put you in the control at a time when emotions may be running high. Please remember, you do not owe him an explanation and telling him you are leaving can actually be quite a dangerous time. You can just leave, call police if you are in danger, vulnerable or need to get away for your own safety or want him out, rather than you being the one to leave. Once you are apart, be prepared for the aftermath, this is often when abuse escalates or he will try and get you back through many different manipulative tactics such as losing weight, neglecting his self-care and complaining to all and sundry that you abandoned him, including your kids. You will need a support network, and to be emotionally resilient. Be prepared for no contact, or limiting contact to arrangements only, blocking calls, messages and getting a solicitor, or someone you trust to act on your behalf if you are being threatened. Also, keep a record, take pictures of everything you do, every room, anything you pack up, where it is and what you leave behind.

[Wiseafter]

Hi Ebrunner, I think setbacks get amplified when your stress and anxiety levels are already high and resourcefulness and resilience are low. It is so difficult to pick yourself up and not feel like a reed in the wind, being blown around by other influences you feel you have no control over. It may not feel like you have options right now and its OK to take some time out to cry/rage/whatever it takes. Acknowledge your feelings, accept them, breathe deep, go for a long walk somewhere beautiful and restoring, look up at the sky and tell yourself you will be OK. Then, think about calling a financial advisor, or visit Rights of Women, a legal advice service for women and get the facts about your finances and legal position, write everything down and make some To Do lists to tick off every day – this will help take the emotion out of the situation and give you back an element of control that you badly need right now. Sending you good vibes.

[Wiseafter]

I read a good book recently called ‘In sheep’s clothing’ by George K Simon, it talks about manipulative behaviour and how to respond to it with real life examples and scenarios. I found it so helpful. You are not responsible for what happened. You did nothing wrong. Not getting drawn into her drama was pretty hard I’m sure so I think you handled it well. To be honest, it sounds like this ‘secret’ is just made up or exaggerated to get you to react and make you feel bad. Wow, some friend to deliberately want to hurt you and do that in front of your date!! That’s rubbish. As usual with toxic and abusive people, they manage to shift the focus onto your reaction to what they said/did, not their abusive behaviour towards you! Time she took responsibility for her behaviour, being an adult with a baby to care and not throwing tantrums and abusing her friends.

[Wiseafter]

Had this quite a bit – food and meals seemed a common trigger point. Tantrums, sulking, pushing away food or poking it around the plate like a small child, refusing to eat what I had prepared because he ‘didn’t feel like it.’ even if it took me hours to make. I used to lose my mind!! One of the things I enjoy now is eating what I want, when I want. Relishing freedom from the cook/clean/rage/sulk/repeat cycle. Agree with KIP, abuse isn’t about the event that just happened, its about his belief that he is entitled to control you, put you down, use you as an emotional punch bag and train you to meet his needs – or else.

[Wiseafter]

Just to say that all these posts are amazingly powerful reading. I have come back to review them a few times now, the similarities are evident. It was a great idea to start this thread iliketea. It feels like it should be published, put on the side of buses and on billboards, read out in the ad breaks during football matches and the entitlement ‘outed’. Made BIG as a warning to abusive men that WOMEN ARE ONTO THEM.

[Wiseafter]

Hi Hazydayz, quick replay before I start work. Sorry to hear you are in pain, that’s rubbish, look after yourself today. Yes, stress certainly takes its toll and one reason to get out, along with the depression, anxiety and feeling miserable and lonely. The body keeps the score as they say. I am really angry right now about my ex, he has caused me so much pain and problems and broken my heart, my wallet and my family and walked away. Unscathed. Moved on to the next one….. I am going to post more later when I have a break. xx

[Wiseafter]

Will do, good afternoon all and thanks for your replies. It’s a lovely day out there and I’m getting out for a walk in the sunshine. HazyDayz you are not crazy and I hope you have a good day – I have read all your posts and I just hope you know how great and brave you are. Speak soon, no doubt. xx

[Wiseafter]

Thanks all, sometimes I have so much swirling around in my head. Yesterday was a bad day. They happen sometimes. A friend shared with me that ex had posted a photo of a woman they assumed was new girlfriend. My first thought was that it was probably fake (heh heh). Regardless, it was a message I was meant to get, along with all the others that I now don’t read. Had the flying monkey not told me I would not have known. It triggered something though and I have been doing so well! Later, I collapsed in tears, grief stricken and desperately wanting him like an addict needing a fix. What the hell?! The pain was too much. But I didn’t give in, I breathed deep, I acknowledged the feeling as my therapist has taught me, and I let it pass. I then went to bed and had a vivid dream about him. In my dream, strangers were questioning me about how I knew he didn’t like the cold and yet I had not let him in the house when I knew it was cold outside and now he was ill and it was all my fault! Nobody could hear me when I shouted ‘but I didn’t know he didn’t like the cold. I didn’t know!!’ All the while he was sitting in the background, watching. It was so real that I woke up in a panic thinking he was actually beside me in the bed. I thought about how he still wants to control how I think and feel, and about that sense of entitlement I banged on about in my last post. Does anyone else have crazy ex dreams btw, or is it just me……..

[Wiseafter]

Hey Hazydayz. Its really hard when our kids blame us but I think KIP is right to absolutely focus on yourself. I know you have been having a really sad time lately and you deserve respect, understanding and compassion. All you can do is be kind and loving to yourself, keep your distance and continue to calmly let them know you will not put up with disrespectful, abusive behaviour. You did everything you could to make their lives better and you did it out of love. I echo all the kind words from the ladies above. xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi Risingup, help is out there. Please ring the National Domestic Abuse helpline, or Women’s Aid (keep trying, it can take a few times before you get through but don’t give up) tell them what has happened and be guided by them in terms of support and next steps. I did this and it was enormously helpful. You can also talk to your GP and explain what has happened, your GP may be able to refer you to support locally, particularly if you have been hurt by your partner. I have experienced silent treatment and it is a form of abuse. It made me feel terrible and low and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this from your partner, along with everything else. I hope you get some support and help soon, keep posting and remember you are not alone. Others who have experienced something similar may have some more detailed advice for you as I am not an expert, just a fellow survivor.

[Wiseafter]

Hi both, it is hard to remember what living with respectful communication feels like and being someone else’s emotional punch bag where they never take responsibility for their actions or words and it is always our fault, is exhausting. It changes us. OK. More deep breaths!! Hazy, I hope the breathing 3 times works for you. I watch videos on You Tube by Meredith Miller from Inner Integration, she talks about responding, not reacting, she goes into the whole breathing thing in lots of detail and I found it really useful. I’m OK, thanks for asking, feeling a bit rubbish today – some days I’m just a hot mess, got to expect that I guess. x

[Wiseafter]

Hey Hazydayz, I’m so sad you are doubting yourself as a result of what has been said to you. For what its worth, I find you to be kind, supportive, warm and compassionate and you are often full of good vibes and positivity, sharing your good moments to boost someone else’s day. If someone close to you is making you feel a certain way, causing you to doubt yourself, feel like you need to defend yourself and this happens more than once, then try to create some distance, be polite but firm about what you will and will not tolerate and stand your ground. One of the after effects of abuse is that we have to learn that other people do not have the power to put us down and dictate what we should/should not say or how we should/should not behave. I had years of being told I was hard to get on with, difficult to live with, never listened, was judgemental and argumentative – I’m not, but I was manipulated to react and respond in certain ways. I am now learning to trust my instincts, to explore what my boundaries are. One technique I have learned is to take 3 breaths before I speak if I feel I am being verbally attacked or disagree with something. It buys time to order my thoughts and to express myself better without reacting – it works for me. xx

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