mixed-up mum

[mixed-up mum]

I feel just the same – you have taken the word right out of my mouth.

Chat again – too late tonight.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity I identify with this so much – only yesterday I was just saying to my Women’s Aid support worker, how I don’t deserve nice things, how I don’t deserve fun times, happiness……

I really DON’T like spending ANY money on myself.

I grudge spending any money on treats for myself, never go out for a coffee and a cake, or lunch out, never buy myself clothes, money is very tight – so I just cannot spend on myself – I feel guilty buying an occasional £5 bottle of wine.

I never go out to anything, when you have been denied the freedom to do things and enjoy things for so long you get out of the habit of treating yourself, and your needs become low priority.

My friends will treat themselves to a hair doo/nails done/a massage/a new handbag/new shoes etc – but I just don’t feel comfortable treating myself….. Im just the kind of person who doesn’t want much from life.
I never expected anything, and I never asked for anything.

He made me feel guilty going out to things, so it was easier to just stay home, and soon this way of living becomes normal……

I bought everything we needed second hand if possible, and even now when I’m away, and I’m free, I still feel I don’t deserve new things and I still can’t bring myself to buy new things – second hand is what I deserve.

I’m just the kind of person for whom nice things, good things just don’t happen – so if I don’t expect much from life then I won’t be let down.

It’s so hard to change the way you think about yourself, when it was the only life you knew for so long…….

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

I’m back!!!

First I left him I thought we are different, we can be civil and still talk it will be OK – but he was just ‘always there’ – he’d find excuses to ring up every week, sometimes 2 or 3 tomes a week – and yes we could talk, and yes it was civil, but I was still brainwashed – he was still getting me to say and do what HE wanted me to say and do…….I wasn’t really free.

So in order to be totally free and move on with your life you have to leave him in your past……

It is difficult, as we do still have things that need to be sorted out, and discussed, but I just know I CAN’T let him back in my life or we will be right back to square one…….

Now I don’t have him in my life daily it HAS given me more peace…..so long as I was speaking to him on the phone, or seeing him, I could never be free, and I could never move on……

It’s only NOW when he is no longer a part of my life that I can REALLY begin the healing process……..it took me way too long to realise that no contact was what I HAD TO DO…….

Already I’m feeling stronger, and his power over me is deminishing…….

Hiya ‘I will be OK’ – I’m hoping others will advise you better than I can, as I’m relatively new to all this no contact – I have listened to messages he has left – because I never know it might be important – BUT what I no longer do is enter into dialogue with him about ANYTHING!!!!!

The only thing with listening to him is that he does still get into your head a bit……BUT I’m being stronger now by NOT doing what HE WANTS, and NOT speaking to him and NOT seeing him – at least I have regained that bit of control over him, and over my life……

The only thing I will say is that now he has no direct means of getting to me, he now uses our son as go-between and I’m not keen on this…. I never wanted to put our son in this position.

I hope you get more replies with better advice, but I just wanted to say hello.

Good luck with the no contact – keep strong – YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! 🙂

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – just wanted to say hello. 🙂

It is quite a thought to go no contact, but having finally done it after years out, I can honestly say I DO feel better for it.

I didn’t know if I could do it, thought I’d cave in like I’ve done before – but this time I managed it and done X months now!!!!

So long as he had contact he still had power and control over me,got me to ddo things I didn’t want to do.

Now I’m free of him he has no control over me anymore – he has no power – he can no longer get inside my head.

No contact was made so much easier as I was mad at him – he’d done something to hurt and upset me – and that was the push I needed- enough was enough – no more …… I was so upset at how he’d treated me – and I said to myself – that’s it no more will he be in my life.

He’s tried different tactics to try and get my attention – from being nice and buying gifts – to leaving messages saying we need to talk about X,Y,Z……. I didn’t give in

I didn’t love him, and I didn’t miss him, so it was quite easy – I was determined this time I WOULD do it – and I have!!!!!

Western Cloud – YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. 🙂

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – I just wanted to say hello.

I’m X years down the line – but only on the last (detail removed by Moderator)months managed to go no contact – and I do feel better for it I can tell you.

I thought when I left him that we could still remain on decent speaking terms – but I just doesn’t work …..he still had a control and a hold over me…

The unfortunate thing is we do still have a lot to talk about and sort out – but I just can’t go back to speaking to him…. If I let him back in to may life – no matter how small a way he will still use this to his advantage, so for my own sanity and peace of mind – I have to stay away and not let him back in my life…….

As for how to deal with the no contact thing I don’t know – I too do not want my son to be piggy in the middle – passing on messages from him to me and vice versa…….

And yes in HIS eyes I’m sure I will be unreasonable and childish by not arranging to have a meeting to sort things. I don’t know what version of events he will be telling our son…….anything but the truth…….

Im in the middle of it all too – so I can’t give advice – but I’m sure others might have some good ideas….

Take care.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi all and thank you for all your replies – unfortunately email is not an option with him………….

He has no internet, so he has no computer/laptop/tablet – so no email.

He cant even text so we cant even communicate that way.

Does anybody else have any ideas?

I really don’t want to have to sit near him or be in the same room as him – I just cant look him in the eyes. Ive come this far – I cant take a step back…….
If he finds a tiny hole in my armour he will use that to get to me again – I know we need to sort this out – but I just cant be near him.

If he gets me to talk on the phone once, he will will ring me again and again – and he will then expect me to be fine with seeing him – and IM NOT…………
I know he will only manipulate me in to saying and doing things I don’t want to…….

If only we could talk through a third party who is NEUTRAL and will pass on messages between us and be fair.
But none of his family speak to me, and none of my family speak to him – we have no mutual friends …………oh this is so hard…………. oh what to do for the best……..

Maybe mediation is the only option, if we could do it in separate rooms?

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

P.S.

That advert is on You Tube – and I think its called – “If you could see yourself – Would you stop yourself”

Its really quite scary and thought provoking – that if we don’t educate our sons and daughters – that could be them…………..boys need to know that behaviour is not acceptable – and girls need no know not to put up with it.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Serenity – just seen your message now – the power and control wheel – I hadn’t even heard of that myself – maybe I should contact my local Womens Aid and see what they can give me, eg leaflets etc – just things she can read on her own at her leisure.

Its been a few years since I contacted my local Womens Aid – but I’m sure they would give me something.

Thank you – stupidly I hadn’t thought of going there again after me being so long out.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – and thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

I think KIP that I may just pick some bits out of this post and send it to her on Facebook. Shes not really all comfortable talking about feeling, and just refuses to discuss anything of a sexual nature with me – so if I messaged her she will know how I feel – know I care, and know I just want the best for her.

Confused123 – Thank you – Yes that’s what I’m afraid of that they have grown up seeing how their dad treated their mam and they will think its ‘normal’ ……. that’s the thing when the abusive relationship is your first real relationship – then that’s all you know – and you just think its OK and its ‘normal’ – its only too late – way down the line – you suddenly see – no this is NOT normal.

I hope that if she ever felt unsure about anything, and couldn’t come to me, that she would confide in one of her friends – and NOT just accept being treated badly and put up with it like I did.

I’m not over keen on the way her friends behave with boys – but I know as you say – it just seems to be the way nowadays – I just HOPE Ive said enough to her over they years for her to know that she is better than that – that she is worth more – and to wait for ‘the special one’.
Dont get me wrong I’m not saying that on religious grounds – but I just feel your first time should be really special – and not to be ‘given away’ too freely…….but as I say I guess IM old fashioned now!!!!

White Rose – Well I think it went OK – I didn’t ask too many questions for I knew she’d clam up – but I had to ask a bit to let her know I was interested and that I cared.
But she seemed to have enjoyed it, and he seems an nice fella – a couple of years older than her – but he works hard, has two jobs and a nice car – he picked her up and drove her home and they didn’t drink at all as he was driving – and they came home by a decent time as he was working the next day – so he seems a responsible kinda lad – but its early days yet – wait and see……

She would be mortified and SO embarrassed if I presented her with condoms – but well done you for bringing it out in to the open with your daughter.

And yes its nice to see her having the courage to enter in to a relationship (after seeing how her father was) but yes – not ALL men are like the ones WE got!!!

Finally something clicked – nice to meet you – we haven’t spoken before – you seem to have a lovely relationship wit your daughter – been through the hard times and come out the other side…….

I’m SO PROUD of my daughter too – she didn’t let her abusive father ruin the rest of her life and she worked hard at school – got good marks and went on to college and came out in her chosen career and now has her dream job and making good money for a girl her age – despite all those hellish years with her father – she has flourished in to a beautiful, clever, caring, wonderful person – I will be forever proud of her – she is an example to me – of all I wish I was.

My son however has seen how his dad behaved and he does often mirror his fathers behaviour – I see a lot of his dad in him – I have tried to teach him right from wrong – I just hope when he gets a girlfriend he will know what is and is not acceptable – but I do struggle with him sometimes.

They are given a course in school here – called the respect programme – but I feel at the age they are given it the boys are way too immature to take it in and listen and take it seriously – they laughed and giggled through most of it – my only hope is that if modern lads nowadays still dont know what IS/IS NOT acceptable way to treat a girl – I hope at least the girls nowadays DO know they shouldn’t put up with being treated badly.

There was that advert on tv showing a boy being abusive towards his girlfriend – so I hope that helped get the message over to our sons and daughters – not seen it on TV for a while now – it could do with being aired more often – keep it up front in the minds of our sons and daughters.

Girls need to be taught red flags – and know when to say that’s not acceptable.

I hear lots of ladies on here talking about red flags – but I have not done the respect programme so I’m not really sure what o look out for – maybe some of you on her could highlight a few examples to warn our daughters what to look out for.

Thank you for reading this and thank you for your advice.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

I’m so tired, just drained of all energy…….i just feel helpless…….

I just find it SO HARD to stand up for myself and say what I want/need…….

I’ve been a doormat all of my life and never been able to defend myself, I’ve always, always just let other folk tell me what to do – never felt able to say this is what I want.

It saddens me so much that even with my own bairns I let them use me and take advantage of me, even with them I can’t speak out and say it’s not acceptable to treat me this way.

I feel like I have no rights – that I’m worthless – like I don’t deserve to be treated with respect…….. I suppose that’s what abuse does to you robs you of any value as a person……
When I was with him I dare not speak out against him…….and when you lived like that for so many years you get used with that way of living and you devalue yourself as a person.

If other folk don’t treat me with respect, then i just feel like I’m not worth it – if other can’t see fit to treat me right, then I just feel like im of no value as a person. If they cant treat me better, then I’m obviously not worth it…….

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

I agree White Rose – ” he took my sparkle and made me flat” – I spent way too many years with that man – he robbed me of any ‘spirit’, any fun that was in me – and I never did have much confidence, but he took all that too.

I just feel now I have no voice, like I don’t matter – that’s what living for so long in an abusive marriage does to you…….

I don’t expect folk to show me respect – so I don’t get it…..I don’t feel important enough…..I don’t feel worthy…….
I have such a low opinion of myself, and its SO hard to change the habbits of a lifetime…….

I have lost me – don’t know who I am anymore……a shell of the person I once was……

Finally after X years out I have decided to go for counseling and I’m on the waiting list – this is my only hope to find the person I once was…….. I don’t know if the old me will ever find her way back……but I have to try

Good luck everyone ………it’s a long hard road to recovery…….

Take care.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Just thinking of you today and wondering how things are with you now??

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words – it’s SO lovely to hear that.

I want to get counseling, I want to find more work and I want to end this year as a stronger, more independent woman.

White Rose – it is a long march to recovery – but we can àll march together – side by side and support one another.

Serenity – you are a shining example to us all – always there with good advice and support.

Lilac Lady it does get to the stage where yoy can take no more – you will know when your time is right and you have to go.

And to each one of you good luck in 2017 with all do – what ever you want to do you CAN DO IT!!!! 🙂

Take care.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Eve- – how you doing?

Are you on your own just now? Hope you are OK?

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you – everyone for taking the time to reply – some ‘oldies’ like me who have been on a while, and some nrw ladies I’ve not spoken to before.

KIP – I really honestly don’t feel strong right now – and I don’t feel like a good mam – but thanks for saying that. 🙂
All this ‘healing’ is taken so long, I had hoped by now I’d be a strong, independent woman……but I’m taking a while to find myself again.

TTMO – it just takes time to think about me and what I want – I spent half of my life being a wife and mother……what I wanted came last…….
I knew to survive I had to do what he wanted – to keep him happy and keep the peace – it was always about him and his needs – I knew it had to be his way.
All the while trying my best to protect my bairns and spare them his moods and tantrums. Trying my best to keep up the front and make out everything was OK.
When the bairns were younger – I made sure I gave them the best Christmas we could – which meant making out I was happy and having a nice time – all the while all it was just me wishing I didn’t have to be with him another year…….
I will let my daughter put up the tree – if I don’t she notices when I’m not OK and she will worry about me.
And yes I DO hope this time next year I CAN cone on here and say I AM looking forward to Christmas, and I WILL have a nice time.

Serenity – yes well I remember trying my best to keep him happy and keep peace in the house that day – trying my best to make sure the bairns had a nice day.
But for years it just meant a marker of another year of my life gone by and still with him – how many years did I sit and write out the Christmas cards saying to myself this WILL be the last year I write HIS name on the cards…..and yet another year went by and I hadn’t plucked up the courage to leave him……
My ideal Christmas when the bairns were younger was just to make sure THEY had fun, and that they had a good day – that they were happy – that’s all I ever wanted.
And now me……what do I want…..well I don’t know …….as I said above when you’ve spent half your life putting others first its very hard to suddenly start thinking of your own wants and needs. I’ve forgotten how to think about my own wants…….and it just seems so wrong to think about what I want…….
I know the bairns will want to share Christmas day with their Granny and aunty – so that’s what we will do – if the three of us sit home here on our own it will only be like any other day – and I can’t do that to my bairns.
Though I’m just as happy to let my son go to his father’s at night and let my daughter spend time with her Granny and aunty – and I go home alone. I just want my bairns to have a good day – I’m not important.

Lost and broke – yes that sound good to me – duvet days with chocs and films – I think it’s the fact that when I was with him I was forced to ‘have fun’ – I had to be happy – and if I wasn’t the life and soul of the party – he would moan to his side of the family at how miserable I was not wanting to drink, not wanting to ‘party’.
With HIS family it was always about huge meals, and loads of drinking and if you weren’t doing that then you are classed as a misery guts and no fun in you – well I’m just a quiet person and I’m not ‘the life and soul of the party’ type.
Im still struggling with the aspect of my life that I DO now have choices…when you’ve spent years knowing you have to do what he wants – it takes a long time to get used to the fact I can now do what I want…..

Peaceful Pig – I agree Christmas is way too much work there is so much emphasis put on mams to make it a ‘perfect’ day…..there is so much pressure to make sure everyone has a great day…
From planning all the perfect gifts – choosing lovely cards – making the house look all Chrismassy – to laying on a HUGE meal on Christmas day…..
It is WAY too commercialised these days – to so many folk it’s all about giving LOADS of presents and about giving BIG presents and spending LOADS of money – that’s not what it should be about – it’s should just be about spending time together as a family.

Me this year I can truthfully say there is NOTHING I want or need – all I want is to find peace in my heart and to be happy…….

Confused123 – I always had my family for Christmas as his lived too far away – once they came to spend Christmas with us.
But he always made it quite obvious he hated my mother and didn’t want her there – so that made it uncomfortable for me being stuck in the middle.
I hope that you enjoy the times you can now be with your family.

And yes you are right – I hope my bairns are big enough now to understand I can’t afford big presents – but they know I love them, and am always there for them, and will do anything for them.

Cuppa – yes you are right – it’s just like you have to be seen to be having a WONDERFUL time – but it doesn’t have to be that way – for some of us just having a nice day is good enough.

Yes – you are right – I may not have the ‘perfect’ Christmas – but it’s a million times better than having him make our Christmas miserable with his moods and tantrums – now we all have a peaceful quiet Christmas – with no tension – no stress of making sure I please him, and make sure that the day goes his way…….

Yes it’s the having choices part that I have yet to get used with – it seems strange, and hard to break the habits of half a lifetime…..

Anyway thank you each and every one of you for your replies – the advice, the support, and the cuddles.

And I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas – whatever YOU decide to do.

Very best wishes to you all.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

I know how you feel Eve – not in a good place right now either.

Cuddles.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Thanks for the cuddle KIP

I needed that today – thanks so much for the reply too.

I’m just not feeling strong enough to make new memories, nice memories, I’m not there yet, not ready yet.

I just feel like isolating myself and keeping away from other people.

I’m not good company right now……

I’m better away from other people…….

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi all and thanks for the replies.

Call me weak, call me pathetic, but I just can’t set the CSA on to him……I don’t want to make him mad at me, I don’t want to upset him, I don’t want to rock the boat…… I don’t want trouble…..

I just need to keep things calm and peaceable – if I call on the CSA it’s like me instigating war on him……and I can’t cope with that, I can’t cope with fighting and rows…..

He has offered to resume payments, and all he needs are my bank details – so I feel I have 4 choices –

(1) ring him/go to his house and talk – NO – NOT an option I’m comfortable with…….I can’t go back to that…….

(2) go to mediation and with their help sort it out – a possibility – IF they will keep us in separate rooms.

(3) write him a note with the details he has requested and pass it on via my son – a possibility

(4) do it through CSA – not an option I’m comfortable with – will only cause friction and make things worse between us, and scare and worry me.

I know by me doing options 1 or 2 then he wins, hes getting my attention, he’s seeing me again and I’m talking to him again.

My problem with involing the CSA is that he’s not refusing to make payments, he is willing to cooperate and pay up (albeit on HIS terms – ie he wants to talk) so I feel by me going to them I’m antagonising the situation.

He wanted me to phone him – I didn’t – he wanted me to go to his house – I didn’t – so I am getting stronger – I am standing my ground more than I’ve ever done before …….but for me speaking up and finding a voice is really hard – this is what comes of years of having no voice, and not being able to have an opinion…….

So actually me NOT ringing him, and me NOT going there IS me being tough on him…….

[mixed-up mum]

My son pushes me to the limit manys a time – but I wouldn’t want him living with his father – I try me best to make him answer and no let him off with everything – but its hard when they’re a teenager and bigger than me!!! But if my son thinks that I nag him too much – hes forgotten what his fathers like to live with!!!! He wouldn’t last a fortnight there!!!!
I know he would be delighted to have our son up there – he’d feel then he’d gotten ‘one up’ on me – and ‘won’ – so I wont give him the satisfaction!!! BUT at the same time he’d soon get fed up with our son not doing a thing about the house and dropping everything at his feet and helping out with nothing – so I don’t know who would get fed up of who first!!!!

My ex hasn’t a clue what hid takes to keep this house going with 3 folk in it – now its just me on me own – and no way can I ever make enough tae support the 3 of us on what I can make myself – its just not possible – its not just food – its the rent, the council tax, the electric, the phone, car licence, tv licence, car insurance, petrol – that’s just all the BASICS o’ life – that you cant get by without – and I cant see tae all of that on the little I make.

I have no treats cos I KNOW I cant afford it – but then HE shows off by taking our son out for a chippy tea and for lunch out – and I cant afford that – so it makes HIM look like such a good father by giving our son all this and ‘spending time’ with him – believe me if he ever got another wife our son would be dropped in a flash – its just cos hes on his own and wants company, that he has our son up – and then he BUYS his loyalty by treating him – when he knows bloomin fine that I canna afford to do that…….

God hes strange all right!!! I just don’t get him – if he has SO great a relationship with our son – WHY would he stop paying for him and know Im struggling to put food on the table – and my son is that bloomin fussy with food – one o these days Im going to turn around and say to my son – you eat what I put down in front o’ you – if your father was paying for you and helping me out then you would get a choice!!!

I went in to town for a food shop with £35 in me purse (removed by moderator) – and that was to do the food shop for the week – just has to be like that ’til I can get me tax credits back and sort out this maintenance………
My daughter wanted shampoo and deodorant – and that alone cost £5 – so I had £30 for food…………then I bought a big box of washing powders and that was £5 – so that left £25 for food…….

Then she wants me tae run her in tae town on Saturday night and then go back and pick her up at the end of the night – I just cant afford the petrol – though she did give me money last time I did it , and I took it too – cars don’t run on fresh air!!!!

My son was up at his fathers to gone (removed by moderator)  the night – he never rang me to say he wouldn’t be home for tea – and I didn’t know if he was coming home or not……
He spent 10 1/2 hours with his father the day – it puts me so mad – for he LIVES here and yet he hardly spends 10 MINUTES with us in the course o a typical day – let alone 10 hours – puts me so mad – but what can I say – he sees no wrong in his father and I canna stop him going up there.

He came home back o’ ten with a (removed by moderator) in his hand – this is my ex bought ME a (removed by moderator) from a (removed by moderator) – well that was just plain DROLL – WHY would he buy ME a (removed by moderator) and send it home with our son if he’s stopped maintenance – why be all nice and friendly like this one minute, and then no give me the money Im DUE!!!????!!!!
Strange behaviour!!!

I know Im well shot of him – and I would NEVER EVER go back – but I just wish I had some confidence to get another job, then life would be easier with more money, and I d be happier if I didn’t have to struggle…….someday maybe……..

[mixed-up mum]

Thanks for the messages of support and advice, I’m a bit better today,I’m working, so just have to get on with it, put on a smile and chat away as if everything was OK – folk don’t want to hear my troubles, so just put on a brave face and keep going……

None of my clients have a clue what I went through with him, and am still going through – they have no idea what a mess my personal life is…….

I just don’t know what he thinks he’s playing at, WHY stop payment with no warning and no explanation, couldn’t he just be decent and talk to me, be civil…….

The soft side of me, the nice side of me, says talk to him, give him a chance to explain – but I’ve come this far I’ve done (detail removed by Moderator) no contact and to be honest I really don’t want to see him – I could speak to him on the phone yes but not face to face – he would only intimidate me, so maybe enough is enough – time to get though on him – time it’s was ME who called the shots for a change!!!!!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi and thank you all for your replies.

I just feel in pieces right now – I feel like I’m trying to climb this impossible mountain, I keep trying to climb, but bits keep on breaking off, and then I fall back down to the bottom again.

There’s this voice in my head that keeps saying I can’t do this – I can’t cope – the smallest problems and worries seem to sweep me off of my feet and knock me to the floor – I just can’t cope when things go wrong.

The thing is the break up of a ‘normal’ marriage is hard enough to go through – but for all of us it’s so much worse, we have to cope with what he did while living with him and then still cope with the aftermath and how he continues to treat us and mess with our minds after we leave him……

I never break down and cry, I keep going and keep going, but feels like I’m getting getting nowhere.

I have no dreams, or ambitions, just getting through each day is an achievement in itself.

I just don’t understand how my ex can stop maintenance – he gets on well with his son, they see each other every week, so WHY would he not want to provide for his son.
If we had still been together HE would still be the main wage earner, I made a little to help out, but he would be the one paying most of the bills, he knows I can’t make enough to survive on my own ( I’m not educated, I have no brains), and if it wasn’t for how he treated us I wouldn’t be in this position I’m in now, and I wouldn’t have to try and survive alone.

I don’t go out, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go on holidays, I don’t buy new clothes, or bags or shoes, I don’t get my hair done, I don’t treat myself in any way, every penny I have goes in to paying the bills, buying food.

He regularly does overtime, so he’s making good money and yet he wants to sit there and leave his wife and kids struggling to get by – if he ever cared at all he wouldn’t do that……. 🙁

He just presumes my mam, sister and aunty will help me out with money – he expects THEM to bail me out – I refuse to be a charity case and go begging to them for money THEY shouldn’t be looking after me – HE should be making sure we are OK – we are HIS responsibility NOT THEIRS – should he not still be paying for his son while he’s still at college and not earning any money????

If I was recovered, and healed, and stronger, I could cope with life, I could try and better myself or find another job – but I just can’t face challenges like that yet – getting through each day is enough……..

He didn’t pay maintenance for the whole of the first year after I left him – then we went to mediation got it sorted and for a year and a bit he did pay up but now he’s stopped again – do you think this is just him trying to get my attention and get me to speak to him again?

SHOULD I give him one last chance to pay up, should I ring him or write a note and ask WHY he has stopped paying – or should I go to a lawyer right away???

I just don’t like fighting, rows or conflict, so I always back down and say nothing – give in and let him have his way……

I never wanted it to be like this – for 2 1/2 years I managed to keep it civil – but then that’s cos I was still talking to him – he’d get my attention by asking me there ‘to talk’ and me (to affraid to go against his wishes) just did what he said – so even though I’d left he was still ‘calling the shots’- until now and I went no contact. I refused to speak to him, if he rings up I put my son on.

I don’t know me anymore – I don’t know who I am – I have no dreams no ambititions, no hobbies, no interests, all I ever do is work, do housework, and sit home every evening with my daughter watching TV, I have no life – I can’t afford a life…….

I don’t know how to make a better future for me and the kids, I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know how to be happy…….

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and to reply to me – it’s good to talk.

Thanks

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – how brilliant to hear from you after all this time. I have often thought of you, and I did message you a few weeks back to see if you were OK.

How BRILLIANT to hear you are doing so well – I’m SO pleased for you. I can honestly say that I too do not miss my ex in the least – and like you – parts of our life is good, and we are so much happier, and life is so much more peaceful and relaxed – but I still feel I have a long way to go…….

I have persevered with my volunteering too. And have done 3 events with them now.

I have come to see too my only way forward is to seek out some counselling too – and I have been looking in to it.

Im not talking to my ex just now either – last week I opened my bank statement to find my ex is only paying half maintenance of what he was giving me as of (detail removed by Moderator) ……..he never said he was cutting it – I only just find out – So Im £(detail removed by Moderator) a month worse off AGAIN (that might not be a lot o’ money to some folk – bit its a HUGE amount to me) – I just cant keep on like this……..Im living on less and less money…..

I knew when I left him things would be tough and it would be easy – bit it just gets worse and worse……..I could just about manage while my daughter was at school as I got more tax credits and more child benefit – but when she left school I lost all that fur her – and now Im lost her maintenance money now too………..

Im well P’d off with my ex – at the very least he could of TOLD me he was doing this and discussed it with me – but he just went ahead and cut it with no word at all…….

Im thinking now Im just going to have to ask my daughter for some ‘keep money’ – do you think £25 a week is too much or too little?
I just cant cope with loosing yet another £(detail removed by Moderator), money was tight as it was and now this too…….

He now pays me £(detail removed by Moderator) per week in total – that’s all……..I didn’t expect nor want to be on my own at this time in my life with 2 kids to support ……but because of how he treated is all and what he did to me, I was left with no choice but leave him – and now all he pays towards their keep is £(detail removed by Moderator) a week ……

At the moment I just don’t know how to handle this money situation – because he has not bothered to warn me and explain his reasons, then I have no idea WHY he has done this – hes possibly taken offence at something – and decided to ’punish’ me by withdrawing money – or maybe it IS just because our daughter is leaving college now – but could he not have said that – could he not just have said well seeing as to how she is leaving college, then that’s all Im giving you for her – BUT what he conveniently forgets is that for the first year after I left him he gave me NO MONEY at all – it took me a year to get maintenance money out of him – and even then he didn’t offer to backdate it – on no – that was never mentioned – so if I wanted to make fuss I could ask for that year he never paid me – but I just feel I cant ever win with him – especially where money is concerned – its money that matters to him – and keeping the house to himself, and keeping as much money as he can for himself – so when it comes to money he will fight me tooth and nail – and I just cant be bothered with the fight – you know what he can keep his dirty, filthy cash and I hope hes happy with it – they are a VERY materialistic family his lot – money, nice cars, a nice house and nice possessions are all that matter to his lot …….I dont give a jot for all of that -I just want enough to survive…….

I really have no idea why the payments have stopped – I got such a shock – all out he blue, without warning and that was it half the money gone……He has always treated our daughter the same, even though she wont see him, talk to him, or be anywhere near him – he still gave her for her birthday and Xmas even though the rest of his family chose not to – but I guess now he feels hes done his bit – paid enough and its time for her to stand on her own two feet.
Well what if I said the same – what if I said to her right as of now I want you paying for half of the food, petrol, rent, electric, internet, council tax, etc – she just cant afford that just yet (and I as her mother would not expect her to pay for all that, not until she has got herself a better paid job) – so I know £25 a week is no ways near as much as I would NEED from her – but at least its making up for what her father has stopped giving me.

The thing is – I know one day they will get decent paid jobs and will be able to help me out – BUT I also know that they will one day leave home and then I will be back to square one again – I know I cant be selfish and want them to say – they have to get their freedom – and they will find partners, fall in love and move out – but I will be alone then, and I hate to think of that day – me mam has been alone for (detail removed by Moderator) years since my sister left home – and she gets up everyday to an empty house – has lunch alone, has tea alone and goes to bed alone – I don’t want my life to be like that………

I have not yet asked him for my share of the family home – he said he cant afford to pay me out until he stops paying maintenance and then he needs to tak out a loan to pay me what he is due me – BUT we had a housing association house and we just owned a (detail removed by Moderator) share in in – and so then I would only get half of that (detail removed by Moderator) – so I wont get much – at the end of the day all I will have will have just about enough to get me a decent second hand car – and then its gone – all Id have for (detail removed by Moderator) years with that man…….
If I was to demand I get it now then Id just end up living off of it, and use it to pay bills and then its all gone – so until I can find a way to make more money then Im stuck like this.

Got to go now, but great to hear how you are doing.

🙂 xxx 🙂

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover not seen you on for a while – wondering how you are doing?

How’s your son?

Your ex leaving you in peace?

Thinking of you.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Eve – so good to hear from you, I thought it strange I’d not had a reply to my messages, but then I know that the private messages are still not working right.

Lovely to hear from you, and thank you for asking.

See if this helps……..

I have found that if I’m on the laptop if I click on inbox and then you see where it says ”viewing 1-10 of 100 messages” well if I hover the mouse just down from the word messages just below the ’M’ then eventually (some where in that area you will see) the little hand pop up and it will say ”view message” – its a bit tricky to do, but I have found out the message IS actually still there – only we just cant see it!!!!!
When I hover over one bit I can see the name of the person who sent it pop up, and when I hover underneath the letter M and it will say view message – just takes a bit of practice to find it!!!

Hope that helps?

If I’m on my tablet I can just see the last message sent, and the last one received, but that’s all.

Hope you are OK?

Take care.

Love and best wishes,

M.U.M.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

That’s very thoughtful of you Godschild.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Godschild – and thank YOU so much for taking the time to read what I have written, and to reply with words of support.

Yes she is good on a computer and can look up anything – so I fear I have lost my one safe place now…..

I THOUGHT I had closed it down as I saw her coming, but in my rush to do it it didn’t work, I was horrified when I turned around and it had been on for her to see all along…..

I tell the ladies on here things no one else knows…..

I don’t want my family to know this things……and now she is free to look anytime……..

I have sent you a private message.

Thank YOU.

xXx

[mixed-up mum]

This was the one place I was safe – safe to share anything I chose to share with you all – an I don’t want my mother to be a part of this – she has no idea the effect she has on me – I KNOW she ‘means well’ – and she is totally oblivious to how much her words can hurt and affect me – how much she upsets my with spouting forth her views on how things ‘should be’ done -how I should handle my kids – how I should live my life – I spent too many years being controlled by my ex – and I just cant let my mam step in and ‘take his place’…….

I know she THINKS she is helping – and she has helped me so much with money – I don’t know how I would have gotten by if it had not been for her – but helping me with money does not mean that she can tell me how to live my life.

I just want to handle my problems MY WAY – not HER WAY – I have different ways of doing things and her way is not always the way that I would chose to deal with things – Im softer than her – gentler nature – shes tough and hard, and the way she sees things is not always how I see things in life…….

Im just more laid back than her, and I don’t always jump to the worst conclusion right away – she always sees things as worst case scenario – and that gets me down………

This was a tiny part of my life that was free from her and her views, and opinions and he influence – it was my secret place where I could get help and not be judged or looked down on by anyone…….

Im just SO worried she has found this place, my secret place – I never wanted her to know I came here – she’s not stupid – she will work this out………

[mixed-up mum]

I just don’t want her interfering in my life – when she was here to day – she TOLD ME that I would need to have tea ready earlier at nights when my son is working at his summer job – as “he will be hungry and need his tea as soon as he gets in” – well I cant be doing with her coming in here and TELLING me what I should be doing.

That’s exactly why I don’t tell her anymore what goes on in my life – I cannot handle her dictating to me what I should and shouldn’t do – Im a 40 something – I’ve been left home over 25 years – I have two teenage kids – I cant cope with my mother dictating to me what I have to do – that’s why I choose to keep certain parts of my life free from her – I cant cope with her judging my life and how I live – and telling me what I need to do with my kids – that’s why I’ve stopped asking her for advice – she is often SO negative about my kids and SO pessimistic about the way I chose to look after them – and she always puts me down – never give me praise for anything, never encouraging me or giving me any positive advice – all so negative…..

[mixed-up mum]

Sorry my mam walked in and saw me on here before I could close it down – I don’t know how much she saw or could read – but I don’t want her coming on here and reading my innermost thoughts and feelings…….
In order to tell a story you have to say certain things – and those certain things are things that no one else would know about you, except those very closest to you – who actually know your things about your daily life……this as a safe place where I could come on and say anything and tell you all things and not be afraid – I just hope and pray my mum doesn’t realise what I was doing on here – I think she would have been able to read the women’s aid part at the top – but what else I don’t know…..

Its SO important for me to be able to come on here and talk openly and freely – and yet if the story is edited too much it makes no sense to those of you reading it, if too many bits get cut out…..

Oh Im so disappointed she walked in on me before I could close it down – she had no idea I come on here – and I cant tell her so much of what goes on in my life for she judges me – interferes – takes over – takes charge, and makes me feel even more low and down about my life she s very domineering and very patronising and pessimistic and I just don’t need that in my life – I wanted to keep this part of my life secret from her – I was safe on here to say anything and not be judged…….

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Godschild and Confused123 – thank you both for your replies to me. 🙂

I have been feeling low, and lonely and not able to come on here and chat to others, or offer advice and help – just don’t feel strong enough – cant cope with my own problems and worries right now, never mind other peoples.

He’s away with his father now – getting work clothes for his new job – and his father said he would give him his tea tonight – well my son wants to come home for tea – so I expect he’ll will be with us to eat – his dad took him to Rugby the other night – and he told his dad he had homework to do (rather than go there for his tea – and his father believed him!!) so tats what confuses me – he wants to be here rather than at his dads (but is that only because I have internet and his father doesn’t??) but then he will talk to his dad and tell his dad things and sit in his fathers company for 5-6hrs and he wont spend that with ME in a whole week!! SO Im confused…….

got o go

[Author]

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