Onlyintime

[Onlyintime]

Oh my, bjs on tap, I had forgotten about those. I have forgotten so much of what happens in this department. Stupidly told him previous experiences, which are used against me..you must have loved him more cause you won’t do that with me. Etc etc. (detail removed by Moderator) Even unwell I have to oblige.

[Onlyintime]

Also since his last escalation, it seems like he wants it constantly and I can barely cope with it right now.

[Onlyintime]

It’s also like a routine which must happen after x amount of days. I wake up in the morning and I think ” ugh its sx day” and I know that instigating it to get it over with is probably better than waiting for him to pounce. Or am i just a saddest with a very warped way of thinking about things.

[Onlyintime]

Drunk: just made me remember why I don’t drink, every time I have been drunk..and I mean sick drunk he has had his way, despite having vomited. Even trying A. Wow everything you say just hits home. This mainly happens (removed by moderator). Then leaves afterwards, before I’m even dressed again. The degradation of being left half undressed ( as why remove the top half when you only need the bottom) wondering just wtf just happened. I just zone out, clean up and go back to whatever household chore I was doing.

[Onlyintime]

If he did change and treated you the way you need and deserve, would you feel the same as you do ? I asked myself this question and the basic answer is..yes, I would still be unattracted to him. The thought of him being anywhere near me does nothing for me even if we have had the best day. I suppose its been over in my head for years

[Onlyintime]

I’m here, I’m thinking of asking him to go all the time, how I would say it without it escalating him. In the mean time he is fine, doing his normal, he has completely forgotten about his last escalation..which took maybe a year to happen, but it happened. I really don’t think I can deal with the guilt of him loosing his home and everything that comes with a split but at the same time why should we sacrifice our happiness for their guilt. I’m right here with u girls

[Onlyintime]

So last night he started with the age long questions and statements of ‘your depressed, are you ok, what’s wrong, your stressed, your not yourself’ he always tells me that I’m in a mood or upset or stressed even on the days when I’m actually ok and somewhat happy. Since holiday I have busied myself cleaning cooking meals shopping and not being useless as he said I was on holiday. I said to him last night that I was fine and just doing my job and not being useless.today he is telling me that my only job is to be happy. Big fat LOL at that. I just keep telling him I’m fine. Cause physically I’m still standing and mentally I’m numb aka fine. My red line is so far behind me that I can’t even see it anymore. I’m gonna work as much as I can and get savings behind me again in secret so when it’s time to tell him to leave I will have something to fall back on. Thank you ladies. I always wonder if they know what they are doing, if they think about what they say and do or is it a red rage that they can’t control.

[Onlyintime]

Il maybe phone tomorrow but its the same..ask him to leave but I’m just too scared of the escalation.

[Onlyintime]

I think the worst thing is that this behaviour feels normal, I’m numb to it. Although I cried that night it took a lot, he really has to push and push to make me cry. Then when I do, he makes comment about crocodile tears if I try to explain myself he will copy what I’m saying in a stammering kind of way ie bbbb but what. That kind of thing. I don’t argue back but try to explain and I hate myself for being so weak and scared. I am scared of him. He is the type of man to probably kill me in a red rage. I’m quite sure of it. I asked him If he would hit me and he said no because that would leave a mark although he felt like it. He really is nothing special to look at, has a mediocre job no friends, if I asked him to leave he would loose everything, his home (mine) the kids, rhe car (mine) and the guilt of doing that to him stops me too. How can someone treat u so badly and u still feel sorry for wanting to leave them. This time, he hasn’t even apologised for his escalation. That’s worrying to me, usually he’s very sorry afterwards but not this time.

[Onlyintime]

My daughter said to me ..if you want to break up I understand. She is under 10. It break my heart that I don’t have the courage as I am too conditioned now. I am aware of every tone in his voice every look, every footstep. I know exactly what I can and cannot do. I was the only one of a group of colleagues to not go to a wedding recently, pleading childcare and poverty ad an excuse but we all know the real reason. He didn’t tell me not to go as he never tells me not to do something but the mood if I do do it is not worth the hassle. I havent had a night out for 7 years now. I’m a shell of who I used to be, I sat like a little girl with my hands over my ears that night on holiday. I’m disgusted with myself

[Onlyintime]

Also, and I hate to write this because it’s so degrading. He asked me for intimacy and in return he would forget about the whole thing. I was so desperate for the argument to end that I let him, half an hour later he started to pick at me again. I felt so used and disgusted. It wasn’t intimate at all, (detail removed by moderator)

[Onlyintime]

Is this rape? He doesn’t force it but if i say no there is a mood. Sometimes I bend over just to get it done..there is no kissing at all..pnts down and away he goes. After he gets up and goes down stairs and i am left wondering what just happened. This happens every two days like clockwork. I feel used and feel as though I have just consented to rape as it is never tender its alwsys hard and I hurt the next day internally. Sorry to jump on this.

[Onlyintime]

Thank u ladies. I have a little savings not much not even enough to cover a month’s rent but building on it. Thank u. Xxx

[Onlyintime]

The phrase “when he’s good he’s very very good..” springs to mind. Ah the age old Intimacy..the getting it over with for a couple of days rest bite. The truth is, is I am a coward. I dont have it in me to break this guys heart and kick him out. Not that he would go easily either. He hasn’t the last couple of times I tried. Well and truly stuck. At least for now things seem dare I say..blissful. I like this side to him but more than aware that he is short tempered with a nasty side. Il keep posting. Xx

[Onlyintime]

I love this. 💗

[Onlyintime]

I would absolutely keep a journal but he is always there. If I go downstairs he goes downstairs. Your right I need to hang on to the bad memories. It’s so easy to just let things slide because they are being good. I’m hanging on to living with the denominator as the similarities are uncanny. Once I’m able to move about I’m sure things will kick off again. It’s a year to the day that he had the big outburst..wonder if he remembers. I do. Thanks ladies shall keep u posted. I’m currently on asking him to leave unsuccessfully number 2 and I’m praying that number 3 will be soon and more successful. Hope you guys are keeping safe.

[Onlyintime]

Delusional nonsense indeed but I was genuinely left feeling like my head had been blown. The lockdown is going to be very testing for all of us wonderful ladies trapped in this daily hell. Thinking of us all

[Onlyintime]

It’s odd. He never says the words your not allowed but I know by now what he means. Then I sit and wonder if it is my perception of everything. I have learned from the moods that follow as to what the rules are. The rules 🙄.

[Onlyintime]

Still together. Still dreaming of the day. He must have a 6th sense as is being so very extra nice. Hate myself today more any other day. At least il have my period this week and he will stay away from me in that respect.

[Onlyintime]

I just watched a video on emotional abusive phrases and I sat with my jaw on my knees. Soon very soon I predict this weekend.

[Onlyintime]

Yes!!! Another freedom!! So happy for you! Keep in touch

[Onlyintime]

Hi babe. Yes you are being abused. It is like a mental torture when they go on for hours. You try to defend yourself but what really is the point. By the time he is done you are confused broken and exhausted. Keep reading here that’s what I’m doing. I visit here every day to assure myself that I am not insane or reading into things too much. The similarities in all our stories are great. Keep reading. Xxx

[Onlyintime]

Lay in bed all morning every morning with tea brought to him while I got up with kids. I did all night feeds but not allowed a nap when tired. He said to have a nap but in the same breath would huff so i didnt bother. Was too soft on the kids. Said I was allowed out with friends but made it so difficult I didnt bother. Allowed to work but moaned so much that I didnt see enough of the kids in my 3 hour shift so gave it up. Moaned and moaned about smoking so I gave it up. Patronisingly made to go for smears protesting it was for my health. Checked daily ro make sure I had taken my medication under pretense it was for my own good. Told what I thought. Woukd go to his family house and leave kids with him but was phoned after a short time to tell me the kids were going mad. Ie get home. Told I’m uptight and miserable ever day. Dinner and bath had to be on for when he gets home.finger ran across top of tv looking for dust. Not allowed to sleep with my kids. These are all things that were never said in the way of “your not allowed” but more if I did any of these there would be an issue so I suppose you learn to know the rules. The list could go on

[Onlyintime]

This is ridiculous but I dont think I should text him as he will go crazy and come straight from work. Like when I emailed him when he was abroad..he was home the next day to beg and cry. Was horrible. I’m gonna give WA a call and do a bit more research. I’m sure there shall be an incident this weekend but I’m not that scared anymore. I would welcome another episode as it would reinforce my reasons. Cant wait to see my babies happy..me happy..even the dog happy.

[Onlyintime]

It’s more… what do I say..

[Onlyintime]

Thank you kip and lem. I’m going to do this very soon. The backlash is going to be insane. I’m sure of it. Shall keep u posted but I shall not be failing this time xx

[Onlyintime]

I’m just about to read your post but just wanted to tell you..last night he convinced me that I’m actually f^n insane. The way I see him is exactly how I saw my ex..and I’m punishing him for actions of my ex. Now I’m sat here wondering if it is me…am I seeing things as worse than what they are. My head is crushed.

[Onlyintime]

This wnkr has worked me again. Another row and I apologised 10 times even though I wasnt in the wrong. Then I come here realise I was duped again. Back to the calm stage and my plotting to get him out. This is a circle of hell. Absolute hell. He will come in from work for his dinner and I shall pretend everything if fine and we are fine. I hate myself

[Onlyintime]

I’m so proud of you. Well done. Xxx

[Onlyintime]

I think mine has also told me nobody likes me. In fact yes he has. God they are cruel. Last night there was an argument and thanks to this forum I am starting to now see him as he is. He slipped up last night and was very rude to someone who he would never have been rude to. Mask slipped a bit. Now it’s all the niceties.

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