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Mine would call me names, put me down, lots of hurtful comments and when I said I didn’t like it or it upset me he’d say it was a joke, I was too sensitive and if I stood up for myself further he’d just flip out. So I believe if both of you don’t consider it a joke and it’s a repetitive pattern then it’s absolutely abusive

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Can you speak to your bank, doctor or even a solicitor to get some advice? It sounds like you have a good understanding of your finances and I’d be concerned why unauthorized payments are coming out. Do you trust whoever has access to your accounts? Can you change the person?

Sorry I can’t offer any real advice

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I feel people don’t always listen because they don’t understand why we don’t just leave. We know it’s not that simple though, we’re trauma bonded and brainwashed.

We feel alone but we’re not alone on here. Hugs to you all

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Thank you both for your replies.

Yes I am adjusting my behaviour to appease him, I don’t feel able to express my emotions anymore without him verbally lashing out on me or silent treatment. I feel unable to have a different opinion or disagree with him.

It’s awful getting disrespectful comments about my body whilst he’s complimenting other women. My weight has only increased very slightly since we first met so I don’t understand why my body is an issue now.

I can relate to your ex rambling on for hours, my partner does this and I’ll wonder what is he on about this has nothing to do with our original disagreement.

It feels like I get the blame for not understanding his needs, which are constantly changing

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Hi stargazing,

Yes I’m totally with you in your situation. I feel like anytime I have my own opinion that differs from his there’s an argument, because I’m wrong. It’s happened very recently. I had a different opinion, voiced it calmly, politely, explained my reasons and have had silent treatment since. He varies between having a go at me for hours and hours or completely ignoring me

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Hi Brokenscars, hope you’re doing as well as can be.

I totally relate to that last paragraph, I struggle with my mental health too. I often ask myself if I’m the problem, they sure make us believe we’re the problem!

But that’s what they want brokenscars, they want us tired, drained, exhausted. They want our self esteem low. Why? So you don’t realize how amazing you are brokenscars and therefore you’ll stay and put up with his disrespect, poor behaviour, abuse.

 

You’re not alone, you’re not at fault. Could you maybe seek some advice from a local domestic abuse charity to see if they have any suggestions regarding housing? Whether that means you moving or him?

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Thank you for the replies. I’m still experiencing the same situation with him. I’m getting indirect insults whilst being told how pretty other women are.

He has been officially diagnosed. I still don’t understand how after it repeatedly causes arguments that he still says these things. I suppose the flip side is after so many arguments about the same issue why have I stayed with him.

 

I do feel like there is gaslighting going on at the moment, with other issues. Telling me I said something yet I know it’s not a conversation we’ve had.

He comments on others appearances good and bad but I don’t think he says it to their face. He had (detail removed by Moderator) and feel a lot gets projected onto me.

 

 

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I don’t want him back, I want to understand what’s happened I’m so confused

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He’s not ignoring me, he’ll talk to me for ages if I contact him. He says things are my fault, that I misunderstood what he said (i didn’t I have proof of what he said) and that he wants us to keep in touch

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Am I overplaying his faults? He hit me, he’d use guilt, he cheated, he ignored me when we were together, he constantly put me down and yet I can’t get over him

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Thanks for your replies.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that he’s cheated. He’s back with her, I don’t blame her at all it’s on him. He’s still blaming me.

I’m doing terrible at no contact, it’s so difficult when he’s been my constant for however long. I know I need to try really hard to stay no contact as I’m just feeding his ego and prolonging my own pain.

I’m at such a low

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Thank you for your reply. I’ve noticed he wants a reaction from me, I’ve gone no contact with him now and am reaching out to my friends.

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Anyone?

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I understand, I felt the same. I was in the worst mental health position I’ve ever been in, I was out of work too. I’d been isolated, my self esteem was at it’s lowest. It’s what they do to us to control us.
Only you know what’s best for you, could you speak to your GP or local domestic abuse charity?
You’re not alone, people care, keep reaching out

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I asked myself the same question, honestly I knew I couldn’t take decades more and it was incredibly hard but I left the relationship. It’s not instantly the end of all contact in my case as we have a child but it’s the hardest but best thing I ever did leaving him

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Thank you for your reply, that’s a good perspective that whether it’s abuse or not it’s still not how I deserve to be treated

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If you have kids and are resident parent he gets less of a share as you need to provide a home for the kids

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Hi, it does feel awful and neverending when you’re going through such horrible times.
Unfortunately the agencies can’t make him stop, very little can change that but you get help for your well-being, your mental health and support for you. I doubt very much he’ll change but his effect on you can, it’s so so hard please stay strong.

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I understand the frustration too, our neighbours witnessed multiple things heard things and nothing got reported. It’s something that bothered me afterwards, we can’t change other people or even understand them at times. We can do things ourselves though so we can be the people who call for help for someone else, we can protect those that need it

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I can understand that you are enjoying the time and attention from this man when you are struggling so much with your own situation, I wouldn’t encourage it though. If the married man is talking to you behind his wifes back what’s to say he won’t do the same to you if you got into a relationship? Many of these men take advantage of our vulnerability and many don’t leave their wives, they want their cake and to eat it. You deserve better than to be someone’s bit on the side. I would suggest you end things as hard as it is and focus on you

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Hi, I think it’s normal to experience this, you’re going into a possibly romantic situation/relationship and I feel that’s bound to bring up triggers and memories.
If the man no longer wants to see you that’s on him and it could be for any reason not just because you opened up.
If you were feeling so uncomfortable it suggests to me either he was possibly to forward or you’re maybe not ready to date just yet. Either way it’s a learning experience for you.
Have you had any counseling? This may be helpful

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Thank you for your support ladies.
He did future fake and I fell for it, I noticed quite quickly though he didn’t mean what he said. I’d already wrote down the things he said and did that were abusive/controlling, it’s surprising how they add up.
I was previously in an abusive relationship and that time I didn’t tell my friends etc, this time I spoke of my concerns to them straight away.
It’s strange how they integrate themselves into our lives so it seems like a big gap when they’re gone

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Hi jllb,
I could have written something very similar to your post, I’m currently attempting no contact too. It’s do hard though.
I too was told after (detail removed by Moderator) that he loved me and was love bombed, I fell for it all. Then another woman came on the scene and I was/am made to look jealous and paranoid, that it’s all in my mind. I find myself questioning if I am/did imagine things! I don’t think we did imagine things, it’s part of their crazy making.
They usually seem to be nice guys, otherwise we’d run a mile straight away.
If you said no at any point and he continues that is rape

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Hi loveis,
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
It’s really hard so well done for reaching out this evening. Could you discuss this with your GP tomorrow or a trusted friend?
You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t deserve what you’re going through, it’s how abusers want us to feel. They knock our confidence and self esteem to make themselves feel better.

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He’s putting the blame on me saying (removed by Moderator) when he no longer has time to see me or call me. My heads so confused, I keep wanting it to go back to how it was in the beginning

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Yes I’ve told him multiple times and he just says he’s joking

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Yes the confusion is a huge factor, I think that’s why I’ve felt I needed to contact him to try and understand because it doesn’t make sense. You are right about us going round in circles, that added to the confusion.
I have no intention of getting back with him, I may have loved him but I know it’ll only get worse if I ever got back with him.

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Hi chocolatebunnie (love the name!)

Hope you’re doing ok, keep going amazing lady, you’ve got this x

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I’ve been in a similar situation mellow, telling me he loves me, saying he wants to go slow but rushing things giving me ultimatums, repeatedly telling me what a good man he is. It really messes with your head and emotions

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Hi nbumblebee,
I think part of my frustration is that I didn’t rush, I went really slow to get to know him. We started as friends. Now he’s all over this other woman and I’m shocked for how he dropped what we had so suddenly.

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