Reallyconfused

[Reallyconfused]

Get out while you can. I agree huge red flags. Putting stuff in your drink, controlling your emotions, etc. this man will only get worse.
Deep down your instinct and feelings are telling you this is not right.
You deserve much better.

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I understand how you must be feeling. It is a lonely place.  Your husband knows what he is doing and is “playing” with your emotions.
He has no intention to leave. He wants you to think you are the problem but he knows full well he is controlling the whole situation.
becoming the “victim” also has power over us because that pulls us back into the toxic relationship. Again these men are manipulative to the extreme, they don’t need a happy home environment- they need power , domination and control.
They don’t care how you or the children are feeling and will carry on causing chaos ,which is what they want.
They love confusing us and want us to feel it’s our fault.
Even with the counsellor he will want the counsellor on his side instead of facing the issues as a couple.
Get Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does  he do that?”, speak to supportive agencies, share your feelings with trusted people , get a counsellor for yourself.
understand this is not you.
Sadly we wait for partners to change and we try to enjoy the breadcrumbs of kindness thrown our way. They don’t change and the “nice” bits keep us roped in.
We all deserve better and deserve care in a mutually respectful relationship.
Look after yourself.

[Reallyconfused]

I am sorry you have to hide your feelings so much. I too am not what I used to be but am trying to reclaim my personality.
These abusers want us unhappy and to control our thoughts and feelings – they don’t care what you are saying – they just want to make us feel sad and to make us think what we feel and say is worthless.
I used to look at my husbands face all the time waiting for approval. It was never enough and never going to happen. I have now stopped looking at his face and don’t engage with him – I am apparently always wrong and my feelings are apparently stupid feelings.

Your son is most likely trying to get approval from his father and is “siding” with him as he sees him as the powerful one. He most likely doesn’t even know he is doing this.
I had the same with my children too. Only in hindsight do I see why they often were on his side as they wanted approval themselves , from their father , and as children have no power it’s the only thing they have , to keep the abuser happy.

Don’t lose yourself in this. Be happy and carefree. Your feelings and thoughts matter. If you can’t express them in the house say them out loud to yourself or write them down.
We all matter and no one has the right to take our inner light from us.
No one can take our true thoughts and feelings from us, they belong to us and make us special. Stay strong, everyone is here for each other on this forum and we understand without explanation or judgement.

[Reallyconfused]

So sorry to hear this. To be honest you could have been an English professor speaking and you would have still been wrong.
It’s not you. It’s him. Nothing you say or do will be right because they don’t view us as equals.
It’s just to put someone down and it’s us because they feel they own us.
They don’t change. Please look after yourself.

[Reallyconfused]

So sorry you are going through this. You are definitely not alone. We understand. It’s a reason why I refused to go on holiday for the first time this year. He was totally shocked. He just wanted to use me for company but it’s awful when I go.
He was still forcing me but I continued to refuse.

I understand abuse so much better now and am angry with myself for not seeing it before. But they are so clever and it chips away at our self belief.
If your salary pays for things including the mortgage make sure it is via a bank account so it can be proved.
I too had to ask (beg often) for money and my salary went into his account.
Speak to a women’s aid advisor. Speak to a solicitor and doctor if you can. You can email GPs and solicitors.
My GP wrote a letter for me and it gets noted on our record that we are in an abusive relationship. It’s important- in case anything worse happens.
My husband is amazing according to acquaintances. But he can’t sustain long term friendships because the real him comes through.
It’s a common theme.
There is a life out there. And hope and happiness.
Please find the courage to talk to someone trustworthy.
You will become stronger over time. You may not feel it but it will support you.
Please keep posting. The community here are amazing and listen without any judgement.

[Reallyconfused]

Please know you’re not alone. Sometimes we think there is no better option. And our strength gets warn down over time. I am tired too and know the exhaustion.
But there is always hope and somehow we must keep going forward in the journey of understanding abuse and understanding ourselves.
We deserve so much better, we need kindness and care. Even from ourselves.
Sending big hugs.

[Reallyconfused]

Charmed – what you say makes so much sense. Breaking free will be hard but living with him is harder.
I know he doesn’t care about me or the relationship. It’s just control over me. Your words are powerful and I will revisit and re-read what all you lovely ladies have said.
Thank you so much xx

[Reallyconfused]

You have no idea how your responses have helped me. I will certainly do as you both say. I will talk to women’s aid and get the books as suggested.
Keeping a journal is a great idea. The mind plays tricks and I can underplay what has really happened. It’s a conditioning and the abuse is what I am used to.
Yes – the abusers need a victim and get their control over us. Only a healthy person knows the relationship is not working and want to change it.
I need to arm myself with an understanding of abuse and how I respond to it.
I know it won’t be easy but your words give me strength and comfort. Quite honestly I am really really tired.
I am frightened of being in my own but at the same time I just can’t continue like this. There is a small seed of hope and willingness to change things.
I wish you love and happiness too. Thank you so much ❤️xx

[Reallyconfused]

Hi Rose1 I did the same – organised a number of events for my husband, paying for it all with my small amount of money (he keeps his money separate from me). No appreciation at all. In fact he fought and fought with me at one event shouting etc. because I wanted to buy a gift for my children. I was in tears all the way back home.
At another event as I was getting ready, he told me I looked like a tramp and stupid in my clothes so I got changed but he was still miserable with me. But he was fun and laughing with everyone and no one could guess what he was really like.
You’re not alone. I too wonder how on earth did I get to this point.
It’s so painful and difficult.
However I understand how he operates now by reading about abusers and I can see “the game”. It doesn’t make it easier but I no longer get so emotionally invested, because what he says is not reality or genuine.
I spent years and years trying to make him happy somehow – looking at his face for any acceptance.
It didn’t happen and I now know it will never happen.
Please look after yourself.

[Reallyconfused]

Well done. Take your time to absorb the information. Often we downplay everything but if you feel bad then it is bad. I’m happy you have posted and now it’s baby steps to building a stronger you. It takes time and is a journey and some days are better than others. Keep posting. Take care.

[Reallyconfused]

My abuser has strangled me, pushed me against furniture, a (detail removed by moderator) etc which shattered onto me. He’s punched my ear and I have injuries because of this. He threatened to unlive me and bury me in (detail removed by moderator). Has kicked, slapped, pulled hair , thrown objects at me. This has all been many many times.
It’s strange writing it down now.
On top the endless shouting, anger, aggression, preventing seeing family etc. I have been to hospital several times.
There was financial abuse and I had no access to money.
He would make secret phone calls full of lies to my family members and has caused complete division so that they don’t speak to me again. I have had to leave several times just escaping with my life.
He would teach the children to ignore me and tried to break them up from me.
This was before the support we now have through women’s aid etc and phones etc and I felt totally alone.
There is so much more to tell.
How do you begin to write it all down?
I am still in the same house but we have minimal conversation. The children have grown up so I am stronger and less vulnerable in some aspects.
The truth is – the abusers know exactly what they’ve done and what they do. They CHOOSE to abuse.
They know what they’re doing. They have full control. The anger they often show is for effect. To control us with fear.
They can switch it off and on.
It took me a very very long time to understand the dynamics of control.
And the “kind loving “ crumbs of affection draw us right back in.
That is the problem and we wait and wait to have that side of them all the time.
It won’t happen. The real them is the controlling one.
I too am still in the journey to escape and my mind is now in a very different place. I have been dreading the thought of leaving for so many reasons but it is now a real possibility.
Please keep reading to learn more about this and to stay strong. It’s not us. There is nothing with our memories!!
And keep posting. Women’s Aid and this forum has been absolutely amazing.
Love to everyone.

[Reallyconfused]

Stargazing remember there is no pressure on you to do anything at all. We are conditioned to being under pressure from our abusers so we think we have to be all things to all people.
This forum and women’s aid has no pressure. There is no force or consequence if we choose to do nothing.
We have been blamed for so long that we think we are the problem for everything and that we have to do as we are told inside and outside the house.
Please don’t make yourself ill. This is about you and your own journey. This is about taking small steps internally to become stronger and gave self worth. It takes time and kindness to yourself.
We have had our choices taken away for so long that sometimes we feel guilty when we want to exercise our choice.
No one is here to judge.

[Reallyconfused]

Welcome! There is a lot of strength here so you are in a safe space. Well done for posting.
It takes a long time to realise we are being abused and to acknowledge our own feelings of pain. Please continue to post when you are ready.

[Reallyconfused]

Welcome! We are all on a journey of self discovery and we all understand.
There are no judgements and you can be free here and be yourself. (Although being ourselves has been submerged for so long ).
This is your safe space so post in your own time and when you are ready.

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so sorry to hear this . You are not alone. I also did this for years. I would do anything to have peace and harmony. And he knew it. These abusers feed off us and can find no other way to feel good about themselves so they exert power and dominance over us. It makes them feel amazing. And makes us feel worthless.
Just know that you are amazing in who you are. We will never ever be enough for our abusers. Because the problem lies with them.
Try to accept that and accept that they will not change.
We are all on a journey and somehow we need courage and knowledge about how they operate. I see things now which I never knew about.
Be kind to yourself and work on your own self esteem and confidence.
Use that energy to become stronger and know that everyone on this forum understands each other without judgement.

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so happy you are going. We can’t let the past continue to dictate our whole future life. My abuser (who I am still with in the house ) controlled what I wore too , makeup , finance , seeing family and friends.
I have slowly found myself in all the awfulness and pain. He doesn’t like a lot of what I do and will put a nasty twist on it – when I say what I do , I mean seeing a sibling for example. (Who I was stopped from seeing for years and still would be stopped but I am trying to change this ). He will pull a nasty face, shout , swear , and tell me that I go to get drunk etc. my sibling does not drink by the way.
clothing is a real trigger and it has taken me a long time to choose my own clothing. (Him and his mother would throw my clothes and shoes away without asking me, saying they did not like them ). It was like I had no rights over anything.
After many years I still have problems making decisions, even small things. It’s like trying to find out who I am as a person and what I actually like because my feelings matter.
Hope you have a fantastic time at the party !

[Reallyconfused]

Yes I too have these memories. It got so bad that at one point I felt trapped in the house. He had psychologically controlled me to the point of not leaving the house for anything. He would get the shopping etc. so that I would not go out. I had to get up and go to bed at certain times etc etc. I was always scared of talking to a man in any situation – my husband would threaten him.
I sometimes think – did that really happen ? – yes it did.
He tried to control my children against me – to some extent it worked. It has left them with anxiety.
When our self worth gets ground down we can’t see that we deserve better.
Please please talk to a counsellor at women’s aid.
We all deserve so much better. Sadly it doesn’t change. We lose decades of our life hoping it will change and it never will. In the mean time our mental health suffers. Don’t lose hope in yourself and your future.

[Reallyconfused]

Huge respect to you. I’ve approached solicitors several times but haven’t broken the trauma bond sadly.
Some caring people are getting very frustrated with me for not leaving. Looking at it objectively I can understand that.
He’s being quite nice to me at the moment. My parents worry that as I get older, what my life will be like. I’m so angry with myself for not carrying anything through. Why am I so weak ?
I exist in this strange world of pretence where nothing is actually meaningful. My son is about to leave home so I will only be with my husband.
Even my son is frustrated for not making up my mind. He can’t understand that my confidence in myself is shot to pieces.
Sometimes I question my own sanity , am I making a huge deal of everything? Though my feelings guide me and I feel the hurt of decades.
He dislikes everyone and has argued and shouted at all family so no one visits.
I dare not invite friends as he will insult them / talk about me behind my back etc.
I wish something would “click” in me as it has done for you which would force me to make a decision.
He is being especially nice at the moment but I am waiting for the next explosion.
I wonder what life will be like
1. With him and me in the house alone
2. Living completely on my own.

I am so happy when I read positive outcomes for everyone, even though things may still be difficult. But you have your freedom.
My parents worry so much that as I get older I will never be able to leave. I hate hurting them as they are so old themselves.
Thank you to everyone for just reading and being there. You have no idea how much it helps.

[Reallyconfused]

I understand completely. They know we don’t want their anger and shouting so it’s a way of controlling us and keeping us quiet.
It’s a relief when there is no shouting or arguing but that should actually be normal.
It’s that peaceful period that messes with our heads and we think we’ve overreacted or that this is how relationships operate. We become hopeful and they become nasty again (their real self) and then we crave the nice bit of them again.
It’s like an emotional addiction.
It’s peaceful on their terms and they control the situation if they want an argument to get their way.
I didn’t understand that healthy relationships operate in very different ways , even when there are disagreements because no one wants to control the other person and there is genuine respect.
Take your time and take each day at a time.

[Reallyconfused]

Well done for writing here. You are not alone. It’s easy to tell others what to do. But we are so emotionally invested in our “relationship” that we just want things to be better and we live in hope. Unfortunately these abusers know exactly what they are doing and know us and our responses. They know our minds.
Sadly they don’t change because the essence of the person is always there.
You are strong because you have left him before. They then put the mask of love and kindness and we go back or we don’t leave.
But the real them is still there.
Please look after yourself and keep posting.

[Reallyconfused]

You are not alone. This is how I feel too. But I now also know that this is how they operate. The mask will fall and the real him is still there.
Because we are emotionally healthy, we feel bonded again when they are being nice. And it is an emotional roller coaster because we remember the horrible side.
Please keep posting. It’s good you are in touch with DA and sharing your feelings.
Interesting about the gift – my husband did the same but there would be a snide comment too.
He once even “told” me to get him a gift for his birthday on the day after a terrible argument.
To keep the peace I did , but the fact I hadn’t got him anything because I was so upset and mentally low didn’t register with him. He didn’t care.
He just wanted a gift at any cost.

[Reallyconfused]

So sorry to hear this. It must be exhausting. What you eat and drink is your choice. Does he control other aspects of your life ?

[Reallyconfused]

So sorry about this. You are being kind but she has dismissed your suffering and pain. Instead of valuing you she has twisted the situation in that you only want your belongings.
I once did ask the police to help me get my belongings and they accompanied me. I’m not sure if they would still do this now but it is worth talking to the domestic violence unit in the police. However as Lisa suggests a third party is a good way to approach this.
It does sound like further manipulation to punish you for taking a stand. You have a right to get your belongings and they seem to be doing all they can in keeping your things.

[Reallyconfused]

Thinking of you. I know how you are feeling. My husband thinks it is all a joke when I nervously suggest this as a possibility. He has threatened divorce for years and I realised so much later that he actually doesn’t want this, as his control would go.
The real him is still there and I am glad you are seeing a solicitor. Yes linking into other services is so helpful and makes us feel less alone.
Keep strong, you have done so well in coming to this decision.

[Reallyconfused]

So sorry you are going through this. This is definitely abuse in every way. This man does not care one bit. He sounds dangerous too. Please find the courage to protect yourself. Taking videos and photos of you without consent may mean he could blackmail you with them one day. Having sex without consent is rape. Please don’t give up. These men are experts in making us question ourselves and we go over and over things in our heads to make sense of things which quite honestly will never make sense – Because we are dealing with constant manipulation and mind games.
You are also looking after your children which means you are giving so much emotionally to them.
I am happy that you have found the courage to post on here as that is a huge step to accepting our reality and being in touch with what we are feeling.
Please keep posting. And know that everyone here understands and will listen to you.

[Reallyconfused]

Saying horrible things after years of abuse does not make you horrible. They use these tactics, turn them around on us to upset us – because they know how we feel and no one wants to be labelled as that. They often don’t end things because they are not that affected by everything. They feel they are in control. It’s taken me a long time to understand my own self worth. People who love don’t abuse their partner. Sending lots of strength to you.
Whatever happens keep posting.

[Reallyconfused]

You are so right. They will be living in their warped world forever. Their authentic self will never change and they will act for a bit , but it will surface. I am still with my abuser and he taunts me that I am unloveable and no one will want me. And how attractive he is etc etc. and how women love him. But I know that the real him is there and that the mask will fall and he will not fool anyone. They live in a make believe world – you don’t. You will work on yourself, your needs , your kindness to yourself. You will be ok.

[Reallyconfused]

Hi it’s so good to hear you are making plans to leave. Our mental health is torn to shreds living with abuse. I’m sorry you have to choose between your dog and living in your home. It must be so difficult.
Being called childish is the least of it, our abusers will call us whatever they want and whenever. You have to do what is right and healthy for you as the abuser never really changes sadly and we continue to live in hope that they will, until years go by.
I’ve not had to leave a pet but can imagine how sad it would be.
However the positive is that you can leave, and that you have a plan and supportive friends and family. Please keep posting here as despite having plans, our emotions need to be heard by people who understand.

[Reallyconfused]

Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Threats to kill are a crime. Honestly the police should know. You don’t have to call them to your house – you can report this though so that it is logged if anything happens further.
It sounds like you really need to leave as your life is in danger.
He is getting angrier as you are not doing what he wants and not behaving according to his rules.
What he did to you is not love. Also he will not change. Many of us are bonded to trauma and just want a peaceful life. We keep hoping that they will change but the “bad” part of them is who they really are. The nice part is an act to keep us locked in to the relationship.
Please get immediate support so you can plan an escape – this man is extremely dangerous. Thinking of you.

[Reallyconfused]

Wonderful to hear these freedoms. I’m still with my abuser – for the time being. However I wasn’t “allowed” to wear (detail removed by moderator) (he didn’t like them). I had to take one with me to work to get changed there as he said he couldn’t bear to look at me wearing one. I wasn’t allowed to watch any tv soaps (they were trashy and beneath him). I had to keep my hair long and wear dresses and skirts.There are so many things he has controlled – and still does. I have now after many painful years tried to regain my confidence and rights. He will still try to control but I now do all the above.
It sounds simple writing this but the aggression and sheer violence were soul destroying and I would keep quiet and follow orders for the sake of the children.
However he still does not “allow” any of my family to visit ( he has fought with everyone) and does not like it when I visit them. He also hates me seeing friends and there is no way I can invite them over as he will deliberately insult them and me. I am working on myself to change this. But I am so very happy that you have managed to find freedom and some sense of peace. You can’t put a price on that.

[Author]

Posts