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I guess it’s whatever you feel comfortable with and we’ve all had different experiences. I’d been getting night sweats which is much less now I sleep naked.

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Thanks, yes I’m starting to think it should be ok for them to go and maybe better that he’s not with them and that I shouldn’t react as that’s what he wants!

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Hi Callmeducky, well done for posting. My ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Call your local domestic abuse service. They will really support you to help you make the decision to go. Find them here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Also you can call Rights Of Women http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/contact-us/ for any worries about your rights etc

All the best and keep posting xx

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I feel like I am claiming back my body. He made me feel disgusted about my body and I’ve no need to. It’s the only one I’ve got and I’m just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin at last!

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Well done for posting and getting to this stage. You don’t need to tell him your are going especially if you are scared of his reaction. Talk to your local DV service, mine have been brilliant.

My ex also made me feel bad going out with friends and talk badly about them. I stopped dressing up in anyway to go out as he was always suspicious of who I was with. I’ve been out of the relationship for a while now and it has taken me a long time to start to feel confident about dressing up a bit. They really do get inside your head!

I used to think my mother in law was supportive and I used to talk to her about the problems in our marriage but I now realise the advice she gave me was of the old fashioned sort and stopping me from ending it – marriage is a comprise(with me doing all the compromising), I needed to spend more time at home to keep him happy and maybe I should spice things up in the bedroom!

Good luck and keep us posted xx

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Thanks Walkerintherain. I did just bin a guy, we’d been messaging on line and I started to think I wanted to talk to him on the phone as we had a lot in common but he then made a crude sexist joke which put my back up so I’ve now blocked him. It has actually made me feel in control again so that must be a good thing. In the past if a guy had made a joke like that I would have just laughed having been brought up on Benny Hill humour!

Also I can’t delete my profile completely so I’ve changed everthing – different name, age, place and I’m being messaged by the same weirdos who messaged me before. Think I’ll swerve dating sites for a while!

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Thanks all. I have cancelled my subscription but finding this guy that I know on the site has thrown me. I heard through a friend that he likes me but not sure it’s true as he doesn’t seem interested when I bump into him. I’d started to feel attracted to him before I knew this and went on the dating site to take my mind off him but finding him on there has really put a spanner in the works – now I can’t stop thinking about him! Having not dated for decades I really am finding this difficult to deal with. I wish my friend hadn’t told me he likes me – ignorance is bliss!

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Thanks KIP. I’m actually a bit scared now so have taken down my photo. Yes, I guess that anxiety is similar to how I felt with my ex. Maybe I’m not ready yet.

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Thanks, I think this guy is an abuser as he was really quite rude after I told him I wasn’t comfortable meeting him so soon. His message sounded like my ex – what was the point in me being on the site if I wasn’t willing to meet up and he was bored with the site!

On the plus I’ve been chatting on line to another guy who I have a lot in common with but he’s a bit far away which feels quite safe. I do feel ready to meet someone now as I tried before and defo wasn’t ready then.

Also I came across a guy online I know vaguely who I quite like and I’ve messaged him and he hasn’t responded – now I’m feeling really anxious and wish I could take the message back!

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Hi Sunshine, I know how you are feeling. I’ve yet to go on a date but have just been told that a guy I quite like likes me too and I feel really panicky about it. What if I mess up, what if he comes on too strong, what if I fall for him then he dumps me but I also feel I am not getting any younger and what if he makes me happy! I hope that I will be going in with my eyes wide open and that I will just try to get to know him better as a friend first.

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Thanks, yes I shouldn’t rely on other people. I’ve been finding school holidays tough this year, kids go back to school next week so hopefully I will be in a better place when I’m back into a routine! I have found a couple of small things I’ve done for myself today have made me feel a little better. It definitely helps to vent on here 😊

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Hi Starmoon, well done for posting here. Yes you are right that your partner is abusive – you are not doing anything wrong, you are trying to appease him, walking on egg shells around him and he is putting you down by saying you are as bad as he is. I found myself questioning whether I was the one making him act the way he did, this is a ploy abusers use to control us, to keep us second guessing. Look at the website http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ and the book Living With The Dominator – they both really helped me to understand his behaviour and how it was affecting me. Think about how his behaviour is affecting your daughter – this was the catalyst for me to finally end the relationship. Keep posting – we’re here to support you x

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It is being taught in some schools – my kids had our local DV service visiting regularly. I’m very aware of it on TV too now – EastEnders and Corrie both have story lines with controlling behaviour at the fore – I try to use these to talk to my kids about it.

I too took decades to realise what was happening to me and there must be numerous women out there still unaware and I feel a responsibility to spread the word. I find the older generation much more accepting of this type of behaviour as “normal” and women were supposed to do as they were told by their husbands. I think I had that at the back of my mind for many years but came to realise more recently that I was deeply unhappy and only when my GP suggested I call the local DV service did I start to think I was in an abusive relationship. It was a massive revelation and now see that he was controlling from day 1!

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Thanks all, have been feeling a bit better today. It’s good to know that it’s normal to feel like this sometimes and it passes. It definitely helps to just get out and talk to people, even if it’s just about the weather!

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Thanks Tiffany and Sunshine, I slept a bit better last night. A friend popped round last night and although I didn’t really feel like being sociable it was nice to see her and she wanted to he(detail removed by Moderator)called Insight Timer which make me feel warm and fuzzy. And yes I do need to get out more but I live in a village with not a lot of activity and I worry about leaving my kids for too long to go further afield.

Thanks for the advice re online dating – I will put that off for a while. I think I met my ex when I was feeling alone and isolated so I know that’s not a good starting point for a relationship!

I might book a reflexology appointment as that always makes me feel a whole lot better although can’t really afford it at the moment. Will try to focus on self care for the next couple of days.

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Hi Treehouse, well done for posting. He is being abusive, manipulative and controlling. He’s playing mind games. I did all the things you do to try to keep my ex happy and none of it worked. I too started to think I must be an awful person as nothing I did seemed to please him.

I was also guilt tripped into having sex. He’d say he didn’t feel loved if I didn’t want sex or would feel inadequate if I didn’t orgasm(I regularly faked it). I didn’t realise this is a form of sexual abuse until I went on a DV course. He would also say thank you after sex which made me feel rather degraded like I was a prostitute!

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Hi Dragonfly, have you done the Freedom programme or read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven as these give you some understanding of why they do it. Have a look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I also did a course with my local DV service called The Recovery Toolkit which has helped no end to get an understanding of what happened to me x

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Hi Confused, I always feel awkward in social situations when you are supposed to peck on cheek as a greeting. I hang back unless I know the person really well – I avoid having to do it, would prefer just a hand shake but have been horrified when they(always men I find) pull you into them when you offer your hand and then the confusion of which side of the face to go for first! Hate it – I feel like I’ve been grabbed! I am wary of all men these days as to me they are all potential abusers – I hope I can get over that as I would like another relationship in the future.

I also feel emotionless in certain situations but I put that down to my parents telling me from a very young age that it is bad to show your emotions so I think I shut them down sometimes.

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Hi Sunshine, sorry to hear you are feeling so low, that woman should not be working in a support centre if she made you feel like that!

On the job seeking front – I think you really need to take some time for self care to hopefully improve how you feel about yourself to be able to promote yourself to others. I colour my own hair at home – Superdrug do a colour(Nice’n Easy) that washes out in 8 or 24 shampoos if you’re not sure about the colour, it only costs £3 to £5 so very affordable and can make a huge difference how you feel about yourself – I know it does to me!

I have been feeling a bit low and stuck recently but I try to focus on how far I have come so I tell myself this is only a temporary blip. Feeling sorry for yourself can be good in a way as it can give you the motivation to do something about it!

All the best xx

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Hi Prettyflowers, love the name. Have you had counselling or read up on abuse? I found arming myself with the knowledge of the tactics these men use helped me to put things in perspective and also will hopefully prevent you from hooking up with another abuser. Read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven, google the power and control wheel, also look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/. There’s lots of info out there. Keep posting and reading posts too – the support of this group is invaluable going forward xx

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You can do it. It’s great you are getting advice, it really helped me having the support of local DV service. You are doing what’s best for your kids, why are you broken hearted for them? Do you feel you are robbing them of their father? Mine are much happier since we split – he was bullying and manipulating them too!

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That’s good to hear, I’m pleased you and your daughter are connecting. Hard to see them crying like that but better to let it out and reach out. Thanks for posting xx

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It seems to me that the stronger we are in ourselves the worse the psychological abuse is, I suppose it’s their way of breaking us down so we become the doormats they want us to be.

When I was with him, my friends rallied round telling me I needed to end the relationship but now I have they are noticeably absent and the ones I do see occasionally are not helpful to me. I think I need to find some new friends!

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That sounds positive about the job hunting. I really hope you find something you enjoy. Good luck with the flat hunting too.

I’m so grateful for this group, I think I would be a quivering wreck if I couldn’t vent on here at the moment. I’m also starting to realise my family(my mother especially) were abusive emotionally and caused me to hook up with my ex. Now I know the signs of abusive relationships, I realise my sister in law and my aunt both suffered(both ended up abusing drugs and alcohol). My mother grew up with an alcoholic mother and from what I remember of my grandfather I think he was abusive too! It’s all starting to fall into place.

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Well done for going out alone. Might try that one day. It’s interesting what you said about your friend trying to change everything around a trip to the cinema and how it made you feel. I went out with a friend the other night and I offered to pick her up but she said “No, I’ll drive, you chose where we go” and then proceeded to criticise my choice all evening. That made me feel like you did. I will avoid going out with her again.

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I really feel for you having to live with your parents, at least I can get away from my mother at the end of the day. Your mother does sound very controlling and emotionally abusive. I can relate to the plant thing as my ex destroyed some plants I had put in the garden, saying that I wasn’t looking after them. He also often trashed things I had bought or said they were rubbish.

It must be awful feeling trapped like this but please don’t be scared. Your confidence must have taken a real bashing for you to feel like that. Take it one step at a time, focus on finding a job first. I’m sure you won’t get the finances wrong. Good luck xx

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That is quite poignant for me. I was always told as a child that I wasn’t allowed to show my feelings – I still find it difficult to express negative feelings so I inevitably have explosions when I have to let all my feelings out when I then get told that I am out of control!!

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Hi Toshiba, I’m sorry to hear that you are still struggling with this. You say you can’t leave because of the kids but actually you have to leave because of the kids. It’s what gave me the strength to finally end it, realising what the kids were witnessing and how it was affecting them and I stuck it out for an awful long time. Do you have family or friends further away? Don’t worry about taking your kids away from their friends – it sounds like they are quite young – they will make new ones. Your daughter can start school anywhere. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. The abuse will only get worse – it always does, however nice he is in between times. PM me if you want to chat xxx

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Yes, me too – never thought it could be connected to the abuse! I also had really bad headaches connected to muscle tension in neck and shoulders that were only helped by repeated chiropractic treatments(I can’t afford it now). Will have a go at yoga.

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Thanks Serenity, that’s interesting about your sister being sent to boarding school – I was taken there then my parents said they’d wait while I was shown to my dormitory but they’d gone before I got back. Afraid I would cause a scene by being emotional saying goodbye! I have only recently made the connection between my upbringing and why I fell for my ex – I was constantly pushed away by my mother, I was sent on foreign exchanges during the summer holidays (detail removed by Moderator) running. I started smoking and drinking at school and started being sexually promiscuous too. I think my self worth was rock bottom. I worked overseas for (detail removed by Moderator) when I left school and then went to college. When I came home to work in the family business, my mother said she couldn’t cope with me living in her house again so made me go and live on my own in my grandmother’s house(she was in a care home at the time). I met my ex during this period – no wonder I was blown away by his attention, I felt special and valued at last.

The thing with my mother now is she’s so changeable, one minute she’s all concerned saying she’s worried about me then the next she’s criticising me, belittling me, telling me off and then she can change again saying how wonderful she thinks I am. I’m starting to think the praise is purely to keep me working hard in the family business. I wish I could get out but I’ve got far too much invested in it which I would never get back!

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