SaharaD

[SaharaD]

Loving me continues. I’ve got a hair mask/masque on. Lol! Maybe I should slap on a face mask too.

[SaharaD]

Happy Valentine’s to you too, IAF.

Not been on for a while. I will love myself today regardless of romantic relationships. I have bought myself one of the supermarket deals (with steak) and a £20 bouquet of flowers. So far the day has been lovely.

I went to physiotherapy and then calmly walked around the supermarket.

I also want to go to the gym but no pressure if I don’t go.

Love yourself ladies

[SaharaD]

HI LBP

Sorry all of this is happening and with the trial coming up. I haven’t been back to my hometown since leaving my husband and it’s been a few years.

I also have not gotten very involved with men. Still no men come to my flat or know where I work.

I’m doing ok trying to focus on my recovery. You have to focus on your survival and your child’s survival now. Any sort of romantic relationships are not going to help your situation at the moment.

All the best. keep us updated on how you are coping. We are always here for you.

[SaharaD]

Change is unfortunately rare. You are not silly. we all want that. The reality is that it takes a lot of work for an abuser to change for YEARS ALONE. You can’t help him. You can’t even support him. He has to do it alone without the motive of getting you back.

I suggest reading books by Lundy Bancroft. Going to the Freedom programme or a women’s domestic abuse recovery group and getting some counselling by yourself alone without input or interference from him. Without discussing the books and the groups and the counselling with him.

You need to become strong enough to resist his abuse.

[SaharaD]

Hi Abcd and welcome to the forum

I have to work through my demons also. My demons I refer to as my vulnerabilities.

I have borderline personality disorder so I need to work on that and stick to a type of therapeutic thinking and lifestyle.

My father was/is an alcoholic. So I know I have addictive tendencies to I work on that to and monitor my spending, eating, and alcohol intake.

My emotional difficulties stemming from the BPD and emotional neglect as a child, mean that I struggle with all of my relationships romantic and platonic and familial and colleagues. I have started going to a few groups for Sex and Love Addicts to learn how to cope with my emotions and behave appropriately in relationships and still make a connect and have intimacy.

My only advice is to take things slow. You can have an enjoyable time with someone without sex or being deeply in love with someone. It also sounds like you are struggling with your self esteem. I date different men to try to re-learn how to be intimate and a simple connection and not to obsess on one man.

[SaharaD]

Yup hurting you gives them pleasure. Granted I get some people like this sort of thing (s & m etc..) but if your partner does not like it you shouldn’t do it especially if it is physically and emotionally hurting them.

[SaharaD]

Hi Lilminx

I remember a few women writing about the grossness of their partners and lack of personal hygiene.

The general consensus by healthcare professionals, hygiene experts etc is that you should change your underwear and socks every day and you should have a “wash”/ shower/bath every day.

I can only assume that he is either deliberately being unhygienic( through motive or depression) or is uneducated in hygiene standards.

I work with (removed by moderator) and I’m constantly washing my hands so much that they dry out. I don’t want my customers or myself getting sick due to poor hygiene.

Some abusive men are low functioning and some are high functioning, the commonality is that they are abusive.

[SaharaD]

You are not crazy as in psychosis. You may have some unhealthy psychological thoughts and behaviours.

You said you did the Freedom Programme. Did you wait two years before starting another relationship? Did you do the pattern changing course?

I’m not in a relationship. I’m dating several men and taking my time. They do not know about my mental health or my abuse. I want to spend some time alone.

Maybe your boundaries are not strong enough. Maybe you are a love addict and you can’t stand the thought of being alone. I like being alone but I don’t know how to be alone and happy. I think I like being alone because it means I can avoid people and their triggering behaviours. my mind isn’t built for being alone though. I need a social life. I need connection and intimacy. I need to find a balance. Not obsessing over the first man to treat me well on a date but also not avoiding men and people entirely. put myself out there but with boundaries.

Go swimming with my life jacket on.

I’m vulnerable. I accept that but I have to make sure that people and men I meet are not going to use my vulnerability against me.

What is your vulnerability

[SaharaD]

Well done Bridget. You’ve come a long way. Just keep going. One day you will trust yourself. Words to myself and everyone.

I trust myself more. I left with nothing £10,000 debt. I have a little cosy home which sometime I find too big for just me after living in rooms for so long.

It is worth it. Time to live again.

[SaharaD]

DV/DA groups recommend waiting two years after the last abusive contact before dating or seeing someone.

I like to think of it as one year of survival and one year to work on your recovery.

What I did although still not recovered to the point where I am happy:

I went into a refuge and implemented no contact.
I asked people not to mention his name or anything about him to me.
I focused deeply on myself and my emotions.
I sat in the pain.
I went to a women’s DV/DA group
I went to the Freedom Programme
I read books on abuse.
I Go to a women’s group surrounding violence.
I had a year’s counselling be a specialisted DV/DA counsellor.
I went to a NHS recovery college course for women who have been abused as adults.
I did a therapy group on my emotions
I go to a mental health support group
I worked really hard on my finances and was debt free in two years.
I started going to welcoming social groups to get used to people again.
I go to the gym and women’s football
I go to other self help/ 12 step groups.
I put strong boundaries in place for relationships with people.

I recognise that I’m not going to let him destroy my life and I’m going to focus on making my life the best it can be even if it only means the basics.

[SaharaD]

If you are not happy and you don’t love him, what is the point of being in the relationship. I think that you have to ask yourself some hard questions. It is hard to leave. It means giving up a lot of things but as they say look at what you have gained not what you have lost.

please please don’t marry for the sake of it. You will regret it. I married my abuser because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no doubts. He unfortunately had doubts (he told me this a few months before the assault that led to me leaving.) I don’t regret getting married. It taught me a lot about myself and it and the honeymoon was one of the happiest times in my life. Very good memories. So I don’t regret getting married. I may have picked the wrong man but at the time I thought he was the right man. I can’t beat myself up for lacking information about the nuances of abuse.

You know he’s not right for you. You are fighting your gut feeling to get away from him. You have to figure out why. Personally if I know for sure that someone is abusive I won’t stay in a relationship.

They can’t change that easily and the few (2/3) in the whole world that I heard of spent years alone fixing themselves.

So counselling and therapy, 12 step groups and perpetrator programmes for years! Even then they will always be in recovery and always having to step back from situations and they probably will relapse. They are addicted to being abusive and controlling and power and it’s their default setting.

I would bet my bottom dollar that he hasn’t changed. Not your job to fix him.

[SaharaD]

Side note: I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to “get” love. That’s not real love. Love is not a bargaining chip.

[SaharaD]

Hi Beenherebefore and welcome back

I don’t know if you had advice on how to go about your recovery and any future relationships.

Domestic abuse support organisations recommend waiting two years before starting a new relationship. I waited about 20 months to start dating.

I have done and I am doing a lot of recovery work. the Freedom Programme. Reading reputable books on abuse and a recovery course specific for women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men developed by my Local NHS Trust. I also spend about a year just surviving and trying to keep a roof over my head alone. I like living alone.

I am still not ready for a new relationship. Although one of the men I was dating offered me to move in with him when I had some landlord trouble last year. I respectfully declined. He doesn’t know that I was abused even though I’ve been seeing him for over a year now.

I no longer want to reveal my vulnerabilities to men. In fact most people will say that take dating very very slow. Moving in after less than a year is probably not a good idea. You have to look for RED flags and learn to follow your gut instinct.

maybe there wasn’t a long enough recovery period or enough recovery work done between the previous abusive relationship and the current one. What books have you read? What recovery courses have you attended? Do you go to a women’s support group? Have you attended a confidence and assertiveness and self esteem seminar? Recovery Toolkit? Freedom Programme? Pattern Changing Course? Self defence course?

you may have and I think I have ” a broken picker”: An attraction to people of the opposite sex that are wrong or bad for you.

If he is not financially responsible why are you living with him? This is a red flag. You have opened yourself up to being financially vulnerable to him by moving in.

We do things for people because we love them but we set boundaries for ourselves and other people because we should love ourselves and care for ourselves and respect their ability and responsibility to be an adult. No boundaries is unhealthy to everyone influenced by toxic a relationship..adults, children, pets, elderly relatives, friends, etc.

[SaharaD]

I can only suggest going to women’s aid and disappear into a refuge far away. He will abuse his position due to his line of work. In the refuge they will help you with the solicitor, the house and the child access.

Quite frankly you can tell him that if he doesn’t stop he will only see his daughter via the court access. Which won’t be nice they will drag all of you to a contact centre and assess his parenting your parenting and your child’s psychological well being. they will also test you both for drugs and alcohol.

obviously he has things to hide so he probably won’t be going to court.

[SaharaD]

Abusers find whatever is your vulnerability. Everyone has vulnerabilities. I am the same wanting care, love and respect. The difference is now I demand it as my right. Not as a carrot on a stick.

I no longer look to others for this validation. I have learnt (through support groups and therapy) to do validate myself. I’m not always good at it but I’m much better than I used to be. My abusive husband actually bullied and manipulated me into a relationship with him although I expressly stated that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I date a few men on a regular basis and none of them try to interfere with my boundaries which is a minimum respect I demand.

I try not to fight with myself..it only brings me down.. Lol! a few weeks ago I told myself off for telling myself of. I felt my inner self talk had been too negative, cruel and mean to myself and the world..so I practiced some extreme self compassion and self care to balance things out.

[SaharaD]

Unfortunately abusers pick up where we are vulnerable and use that against us. If our parents never complimented us or were always condescending, the abuser does the opposite to get us hooked.

[SaharaD]

Hello Hollapops and welcome.

I’m crazy and proud! I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder/emotional intensity disorder. Yes I am very sensitive and there is nothing wrong with this. I don’t give a flying f, if my ex tells people I’m crazy. If anyone says it to me I will say as a joke that he made me that way. I definitely didn’t make him into an abuser.

My diagnosis stems from childhood trauma and my symptoms were triggered and exacerbated by my abusive husband. It is not appropriate to call anyone names or put them down.

This is what men with over inflated egos and power and control issues and abusers do. They put you on a pedastal, pursue you relentlessly and then tear you down.

There’s a reason he was single for (detail removed by Moderator). No woman would put up with his nastiness. There is a difference between criticism and a personal attack on your identity and integrity. name calling is not criticism. “he created a timetable”=business deal? = control freak

The best I advice I can say is not to care what people think and listen to your own gut instinct! I consider myself a strong and independent person in spite of my emotional struggles. My abusive husband told me I was useless and lazy. I now have had a part time job for (detail removed by Moderator) and I have my own flat that only I have to look after! My abusive husband said I was putting us in debt. I am now debt free for over a years with savings (he never had savings). When I was in the refuge the staff there wanted me to not take or quit my job. I refused because I know that I would go crazier just sitting in a room with four walls and nothing to do. I had a problem with my landlord and ended up in a bed and breakfast. People who were unqualified to comment on my situation started giving me “advice”: I should move in with them, I should move back with my parents, I should look for a private flat again etc…” I ignored them all and now I’ve got my own social housing association brand new build flat.

I can only recommend doing some courses or therapy to deal with your “sensitivity” (which is not a bad thing!) and coping with your self doubt. I have always struggle with self doubt from childhood and it is a symptom/trait of my disorder.

Because you mentioned that you had a difficult past before this abuser came along, you might have some healing to do from the past. This is what abusers do, they prey on your vulnerability and unresolved angst…it make them feel powerful and in control when they point out your “flaws”( which aren’t really flaws at all but natural human traits).

I’m a good person. You are a good person. That’s all that matters. Nobody is perfect and as long as you are not hurting (by hurting I mean truly hurt not deflate their egos) anyone keeping doing you.

[SaharaD]

Hello and Welcome confused and trapped

Unfortunately, it is the cycle of abuse. Be careful to clear your history at home and on your phone.

Abusers don’t wake up one morning and change.

It is not ok. Your gut instinct is telling you it is not ok but you try to rationalize it away with your thoughts and his verbal abuse.

You are being abused emotionally, verbally, mentally,sexually, physically and financially. He is not going to stop. He will just think up new ways to hurt and control and have power over you and eventually it may escalate to him killing you.

It is rare that abusers kill themselves. If they do, it’s not your fault. He makes that decision for himself. That’s why it’s suicide and not murder.

Answer to your question: No he has not changed for good and it is part of the cycle of abuse. Your relationship is abusive and toxic and it is not the best environment for your children to grow up in.

[SaharaD]

without consent. Consent must be freely and clearly given. If a person is asleep/unconscious (e.g.drugged) they cannot consent.

http://content.met.police.uk/Article/Definitions/1400008450549/1400008450549

A person commits rape if they intentionally penetrate the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with their penis without consent.

[SaharaD]

P.S. When I was doing A-levels, No one cared if we turned up to school or class at all. It was up to us how we studied because that was how it was going to be at university. No one was going to call our parents to say that we missed a lecture or were failing.

[SaharaD]

Hi Serenity

Be the positive parent. I’m assuming that your son is in his late teens. At the age where the state believes he is old enough to handle the responsibility of having sex and possibly fathering a child. I’m not a parent. I know he’s still your baby and you want to protect him.

When I was 16, I forced my parents to let off the reins. I choose what I wanted to do at A-level. I submitted my college and university applications without their influence and I started travelling places on my own. I also had a secret boyfriend. Not really secret I supposed my parents would have guess if one particular boy was always calling our house and I was always going out with him and our friends. Apart from making sure I got home at a decent time my parents never said much about what I should do with my life. My sister never came home on the weekends. She had some really nice friends and friend’s parents who let her sleep over every weekend. I even started going out to teen events until 1 am if my father was picking me up and later if it was my local youth group taking me and making sure I got back home. The only real silly restriction was I wasn’t allowed a key so I would have to wake my parents up in the middle of the night.

My mother supported my decision about going to university far away and having a a gap year to get some work experience and my father wanted me to stay at home and go to uni close by and not have a gap year. I just focused on what I wanted to do and eventually both parents where happy once I was safely on my university course.

I know most mothers think that their son are too immature and not ready for life but males and females have to learn for themselves. I know it’s painful to watch your child make a mistake but sometimes that’s the only way they can learn. It isn’t best for Mum or Dad to jump in and rescue us until they pass away.

I know my parents would help me with money and a place to live if my life falls apart but I want to be independent so I know what to do when they are gone and they are both retired. I don’t think my poor sister can cope without them. She recently failed an exam and rang them in the middle of the night crying. I cry alone and accept it and try to pick myself back up.

I can only suggest gentle encouragement to your son. If you are too strict he might severely rebel and go off the rails and run off to his fathers for good…like Madonna’s son Rocco.

Unfortunately there is a lot of evil in the world, and we have to learn how to deal with it and run for the hills. If your son fails his A levels he can always go back to university as a mature student and many successful people flunked out of high school and university.

Just be supportive Mum and help him towards just the basics. It’s him who has to come up with the details.

and yes you are a good mum despite your big mouth.

[SaharaD]

Hi Robin

If you want your self esteem to improve, it means getting rid of the thing or person that keeps putting you down. i.e. your abuser.

Sometimes the people at work who get the awards are the ones who are flamboyant and showy with their achievements or who suck up to management. You were alone because there was someone else who wasn’t recognized. Usually it’s those who work the hardest who are the least recognized so take heart in that.

Imagine a different scenario. You go out leaving your children in the care of someone competent. You focus on enjoying a rare night out. You aren’t expecting texts or an horrible impending return. Your kids rush to meet you when you return. You tell them all about it and they laugh freely. You organise your day with structure and no restrictions to take your child to the party. The kids go to bed happy after you exchange a few words to make sure they are ok. You get into bed early with your nightly routine: journal, face cream, mediation audio, tea,. you fall into a deep sleep and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to jump out of bed to start the day. You poke your head in on the kids and they remind you about something yo forgot from last night. You tell them that you will sort it out and put it into your diary. And start putting your day into motion.

Which scenario do you thing will make you sad and feel low self esteem and which you thing will make you feel content and boost yourself esteem.

I’m not saying every day will be like this when you get rid of your toxic abuser but I’m say 80% maybe more of your life will be like this instead of that rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts and confusion as occurred in your real current scenario.

He is the one making your question and doubt and grinding you down.

[SaharaD]

If he is violent, it is good to go to a refuge. That way he can’t get to you. You could apply for an occupation and non-molestation order but as some of the women will tell you, some abusers break this with very little consequences. They break it because they know where you are and could stalk you or wait around the corner for you to come home.

A refuge and the local authority/council are suppose to facilitate a transfer for you to another council property in another borough area far enough away that your abuser cannot find you. Sometimes things don’t go well in a refuge, so I know women who have done their own house swap or who have contacted shelter to help them find housing.

Being in a refuge can be difficult and it’s not a good idea to meet your abuser or anyone else from your current borough while you are in the refuge.

I was in a refuge not more than 5 years ago but I am scared to give out my address because I haven’t given my abusive husband the divorce he wants. After 5 years, he can divorce me without my permission or me having to get involved with a solicitor. I spend two separate (detail removed by Moderator) periods in a council bed and breakfast which for me was traumatic because I have a diagnosed mental health condition. I spent (detail removed by Moderator) with a private landlord but then the council condemned the building and then I was homeless again. I contacted Shelter and they helped me with my case for free and the council put be forward for a housing association new build which is where I currently live.

When I fled to a refuge, I went back with friends to retrieve my some belongings and put them in storage. The council is supposed to pay to put your things in storage but many don’t.

There is a big gap between the help you are supposed to receive and what you actually receive. However, if you want to have any chance of having a normal environment, you have to lose a lot of material possessions and relationships with family and friends and your community but not your life. Your life and your child’s life and well-being is the most important thing. As long as you are alive and well you can start again.

[SaharaD]

People who have true mental health issues take responsibility for themselves.

Abusive people do not. If we truly want to get better and stop hurting those around us we go and seek therapy and mental health drugs and change our lifestyle.

I have borderline personality disorder. I am trying to learn how to treat people and keep myself mentally well. Hence why since leaving my abusive relationship I haven’t jumped back into another relationship so soon.

Your relationship wasn’t dysfunctional. It was abusive. dysfunctional people don’t always want to have power and control over another person but this is what an abuser desires and feel that they are entitled to.

That is the difference. I have no desire to have any power or control over anyone and I definitely do not think I am entitled to have those things and restrict another person.

[SaharaD]

My marriage was short and I have no children with my abusive husband. I don’t need his pension or maintenance and we had no joint debts or property. So I was able to go full no contact straight away.

Your circumstances are different.

[SaharaD]

The recommendation by abuse organisations is to use a solicitor trained in domestic violence. It won’t work with mediation or advocacy. Abusers manipulate the process. Abuse organisations state that using mediation is not recommended.

If you have suffered abuse it is possible to be eligible for legal aid. If all of your money is tied up in finances. decent solicitors will have a lien ( a financial reimbursement) over the finances until they are sorted. So if for example a property is to be sold or a trust fund to mature, the solicitors deduct their fees from the proceeds.

Also If all your finances are being held by your ex as the main bread winner during the marriage, it is likely that they will have to pay for the divorce and the bigger earner.

The finances and property is usually where abusers fight to maintain control frustratingly and the last difficult battle particularly if they believe they have “lost” over the child arrangements.

If your financial future is tied up with your abuser, get an abuse solicitor otherwise you may look back and regret not standing up for your and your children’s financial wellbeing.

In fact while the divorce is going through there should be an interim financial order requested and set out by the divorce judge so you and the children can live.

[SaharaD]

I go to a mental health support group that is held during school hours. I go to well-being and mental health courses that is held during school hours. My local leisure centre has classes held during school hours and also a creche. I found a local women’s football team through a local church and we don’t mind the kids coming along and watching us. they often have a kick about too. A lot of the activities I have been to with other women are based around the children so like volunteering at an after school club. Or just things like play dates or going for a cup of tea or coffee. Best place to start is your local leisure centre, church hall, community centre, children’s centre or religious centre. ( there’s a Buddhist temple nearby that offers free meditation and you don’t have to be a Buddhist) I live in an expensive place but there are loads of free events for children and adults and a good place to start can often be your local council website. They usually have a list of free events that the council is sponsoring. When your kids are young your support is usually other mums and dads in a similar situation. Some art galleries, museums and libraries also have free events for children. Even mums with lots of money feel isolated. That’s why people have play dates to talk to another adult! Lol! I’ve seen a lot of my friends go through the isolation.

[SaharaD]

sounds like the man I married. In the end I went into a refuge while he was on no contact bail.

[SaharaD]

Hello Lost and broken

I suggest going no contact with anything to do with your abuser. No facebooking him, no speaking to his ex-es. and try not to think about him by distracting yourself with other things. I know easier said than done.

I gather that you are only a few months out and I suggest as recommended by domestic abuse organisations that you do not date or have any type of sexual or emotional or romantic relations with men for two years after the last abusive contact. Aim for that. Focus on your recovery by reading recovery books on abuse and books on building your self esteem and self achievement.

I also suggest joining a women’s group for more emotional support.

[SaharaD]

I intend to live alone for a very long time. The thought of having a close relationship with other people scares me quite frankly. I’m doing ok on my own.

I have my struggles but I have the time and the space to work through my struggles wheare as before I neglected my self for other people especially my abusive husband.

[Author]

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