searchingforhope

[searchingforhope]

You poor thing, I know the confusion and struggle for strength. Your gut will rarely guide you wrong.

The home and room you speak of are only material. You can make a loving caring environment in a place you are happy and at ease. Will that be in a place where you are knowingly returning with a safety plan?

Take your time. Let nobody rush you. DO what is right for you. I haven’t done that and really struggling with that now.

You need to be ok to care your your family xxx

[searchingforhope]

I agree with @twistedsister, use your supports, prioritise what needs to be done, look at what is most important for you and your family. Listen to your body, rest when it needs it. Eat properly, hydrate, get fresh air. You will get there xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks TS. My name isn’t on house deeds but is on the mortgage. He’s lodged very little in the months since he left to the joint account, wouldn’t cover (detail removed by Moderator) mortgage payments. I’ve got nothing more from him, nor have I asked, as I anticipate his answer would be well this is your choice, you’ve created this.

I would think he would just move back in, at least then when he has time with kids they have somewhere to be with him rather than me leaving the house.

Thanks so much for your support.

My head is starting to churn again and my insides are in utter knots. I text him about meeting up so I can tell him, he hasn’t read the message. Probably, I think, in retaliation for me ignoring his “I love you” messages.

I’m so so tired of this now. all i want is to be through it now.

[searchingforhope]

@tiredofitall even what you have said there in your second post shows such strength. You are nearly there, keep going, I’m wishing I was as near the end as you are. xxx

[searchingforhope]

@Daffy03 I wish I had the answer for you. Hopefully others here will provide more guidance than I can.
Like you there are days I’m strong and I know what I want and I can figure this all out. And then its like I’m spiralling again into self-doubt. Similar to you he only did X, because I made him feel bad first or I didn’t support him properly or in the wrong way.

I feel embarrassed to talk to my supports now as I’m so near a huge step to move out and I’m so stuck where I am right now.

Try be kind to yourself. I think we have so much to process in the mess. xx

[searchingforhope]

Hold onto that sentiment to give you strength x

[searchingforhope]

What you have said is so true @twistedsister.

How can we build our belief in ourselves? I’m starting to think that is the key to the next step, just need to figure out how to believe in myself again.
I’m an educated person. I feel very embarrassed to be stuck in the situation I’m in now.

Hope you are all in a good place today. xx

[searchingforhope]

Congratulations to you and I hope your life gets happier and more at ease each day xxx Well done

[searchingforhope]

When you said you feel you need to grab yourself and shake yourself, it really hit a chord with me. I feel for you so much that you feel that way, as I know how horrible that is.
Saw a post today from Mel Robbins saying that when we have a bad day we should show ourselves self-compassion, see how far we have come and go easy on ourselves. I can understand how important that is but I struggle with it. I think so many of us on here seem too.
This is a horrible journey that I wouldn’t wish on any body. I hope I find the strength to keep going towards the next step. I really hope you keep finding strength too, don’t let him deflate you. You’re doing brilliantly.

xxx

[searchingforhope]

It is abuse and you are so amazing to be going on as you are. Well done.

I hope you can learn to believe in yourself. I hope we all can.

I have the very same doubts and I’m so close to making another huge step and the doubts are sky rocketing again.

Sending you love and strength. You can do this. xxx

[searchingforhope]

i feel your pain so much. I’m exactly where you are. Have keys, deposit paid but need to tell him again and kids.

I know in my gut I want to go, but in so many ways it feels I’m tied to him and keep getting pulled back or just can’t break free. I wish you find the stength as much and more than I do. No one deserves to feel this way.

The replies above are so useful, thank you.

Like you I’ve great support behind me, but it is definitely like searching through fog to find the way through. I like you feel very lost right now and I wish I had the answers. It’s such a lonely place to be, no matter what support you have doesn’t it?

Sending you love and strength

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much I appreciate your replies more than you could know. They help settle me a bit.

monday is like my favourite day now. Back in routine of work and I know I won’t see him while I’m working. Dread increases as the week passes and gets closer to weekend.
I’ve deposit paid. I can start moving in this weekend. Not sure will I be ready to, I need to tell him again first and tell kids. Absolutely dreading that.
Spoke to my GP Friday which settle me a bit. But I’ve had such a draining week. Just trying to bury myself in work today and block it out. That won’t fix it though, but might let my mind rest a little in relation to the tasks ahead.

There is strange comfort knowing others suffer similar. Yet I wouldn’t wish anyone to feel the way I’m feeling recently. Nobody deserves that.

Wishing you all a good day. Stay strong xxx and Thanks xxx

[searchingforhope]

The invisible ties make so much sense. It’s like I’m being dragged back or prevented moving forward.
It’s just rotten. He’s at home in our home now with kids as he’s nowhere to take them to spend time with them so I left to get some space. Find some clarity.
I’m so embarrassed talking to my friends and family about it now as I can’t do what I need to and tell him again. It must be at least 5 times I’ve tried now.

I’m utterly exhausted and feel like a shadow of myself to be honest.
I wish I could be passed this or that someone could do this for me, tell him its done.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for replying. I appreciate it so much.
The jnvis

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate them.
I don’t feel strong. I feel deflated and confused now.
I don’t feel in control of my life or decisions. As everything I try to make a decision on, my first thing to think is, but if I do X, his reaction will be Y.

My head is wrecked completely.
Stupid narky comment in a message again (detail removed by moderator) when I was “Checking” with him about (detail removed by moderator), as he has previously got angry / agitated with me for making such simple decisions without consulting him

No matter what I do I can’t do right.

[searchingforhope]

You’re doing great @turningthelighsoff, keep doing what you’re doing. Those baby steps will get you there and will have you as prepared as possible.

Like @twistedsister said, your instincts are strong and doing what they should.

You can do this.

xx

[searchingforhope]

Hope your all having a good day today xx

[searchingforhope]

Hi @little-miss-sunshine

Your right, I’m like you, hard to push forward but when I think about the future, I don’t want to keep living like this.
I’m existing now. not living at all!

Hope you’re ok today x

[searchingforhope]

I think the routine does help. HAs helped me keep myself sane. But also contributes to me putting my head in the sand and keep going and going and going and ignoring the reality as all I want to do is hide from it.

Remind yourself nothing is permanent, I’m trying to do that right now, but I know how hard it is, I’m there too. I’m snappy lately too and then the guilt gets too much, as the kids deserve a happy Mom.
I can see that life, just need to figure out how to get to it.

You will too. Don’t lose hope. There are better days ahead

Sending you love xx

[searchingforhope]

I’m feeling this same, so much of my brain now is running miles away, yet there is something keeps holding me back. I think at this stage is the fear of his reaction and what is to come from that. I’ve been slowly trying to make the baby steps, slowly taking stuff from the house. It’s like when I’m busy doing something like that it helps cause I’m taking steps forward. Yet when it comes to facing him I’m stuck, frozen solid. I’ve told him and he can’t accept it. and I get lectures that are a mixture of him throwing nasty comments, threatening and then promising the sun moon and stars.
The bizarre part is some of the nastiness I’m almost immune to now as I’m so used to the digs and remarks.
It’s utterly soul destroying.

I really feel your pain this week and I hope you find something to lift you from it soon. Sending you strength and love and hold onto the hope. xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate it so much. All of your advice is so useful and helpful thank you ever so much. I’m finding this week is more intense than any other. I’m getting nearer every day to needing to tell him. Should be signing lease this week. Was hoping it would be today, but unforeseen delay.

I know deep down you are right @bananaboat he will throw a tantrum now matter what. I know he won’t go peacefully and let me be. It’s just trying to figure out how to navigate this is completely wrecking my head. I’ve never been so anxious as I have this week. I’m even noticing I’m getting breathless and slight chest pain at times which I haven’t told anyone, as my family and friends are worried enough as it is.

I dream of being in the new house and over the first few weeks, I’m just so nervous and afraid and don’t know how i’ll figure out getting to that. Afraid to tell him with kids around. Don’t want another conversation. Had an hour or crap last weekend. 6 hours “conversation” two weeks prior. I managed to tell him it was over that night and still I back tracked when he wouldn’t accept it.

It’s so soul destroying. I can see glimmers of the real me, glimmers of the life I could have, I just can’t figure out how I’ll find the strength to get to that

[searchingforhope]

It’s normal to feel flat and have ups and downs, but like @eyesopening said, don’t let feelings be master of you.

You can do this xxx

[searchingforhope]

When I saw your post and it was you saying “Stronger”, it filled me with happiness for you.

Don’t ever think we would be fed up with you. This is for support, no matter how often or little you post or if you just read others posts. It is all so helpful and building and reinforcing me anyway for sure.

I’m so glad for you that you have reached out. Baby steps is all you need, hold onto that hope. Sometimes it might be one forward and two back. But you just keep fighting for you, as you said, at the end of the day, it’s only you can.

But we are always here xxx

[searchingforhope]

There is so much to learn here. At times I feel very silly for not knowing what is healthy and not. Learning now at my age, (even though I guess I knew deep down anyway) My body is mine, nobody has an entitlement over my body. I get to choose. I get to decide what I want and what is right.
Like someone said above, if it doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s not right. A friend said that to me before when I was self-doubting and looking for reassurance. If you feel its inappropriate then its inappropriate. The amount of times I’ve been made to feel, I’m no fun, no sense of adventure, everyone else is doing it way more often. Like theres a set number of times per week it should happen.
I’m learning all the time. and hoping with that I’m minimising the self doubt. But it’s hard, I know how hard it is. But it is hopefully forward steps for us all

[searchingforhope]

I get it too, I totally do. I often feel stupid and embarrassed and doubt myself so much. But @theduchess has put it so well. Don’t let him destroy more of you than he already has. Hold steady. do little things for you. Some days the baby steps will be one forward and maybe two back. But keep trying. We must keep trying to move forward

Mind yourself xxx

[searchingforhope]

Aww thank you. That is another good suggestion. I guess the sad thing about that is I have so many good things in my life that I should have good self-belief, its just he has made me question myself so much with his dismissing of the issues I’ve raised with him and questioning everything I did for him. i only ever had the best intention. But he has explained everything away by saying, well I only did X because you did whatever first. So that’s why my self belief is on the floor. I’ve called him out on a sexual assault which he has apologised for, but then defended and dismissed, and how great he is for still wanting him back despite me accusing him of that. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
My feelings aren’t valid. Like I can’t think for myself as his voice seems to live in my head. I wonder how’s the best way to overcome that.
I work fulltime, so realistically fitting in volunteering isn’t an option, but I need to start doing something more regularly for myself.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks, maybe that’s exactly whats needed, a build up of little things. xx

[searchingforhope]

I know exactly what you mean

[searchingforhope]

I’m the same, he has no idea the impact his words or actions have on me.

According to him, it’s all me. I’ve created this separation. It was my choice!

I really need to start to believe in myself. Like you I’m forcing myself to move forward, but I’m getting to stage that I’ll have to tell him and move out soon and tell the kids and the overwhelm and fear is paralysing me.

[searchingforhope]

I know how hard it is. I had said it too recently and that it was over and I backed down again, as after 6 hours of draining conversation I caved.
I have to do it again. I’m making little steps I think. But the fear is overwhelming me.
But we have to believe we will get there. We deserve a life better than this.

I don’t want to look back, when in my last days and think about what I should have done differently to live a happy life. I need to find the strength to do that now.

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