Serenity

[Serenity]

Hi Sunflower,

I’m so sorry that you experienced this from the police.

It’s been a few years since I had contact with the police over my ex, but I remember at the time I came up against similar – with the police minimising what my ex was putting me through.

In terms of complaints, I am getting better at doing that myself : challenging rather than just scuttling away hurt. I would say, why not? Sending you support x

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

Wants to Help : it sounds like you did a great job being firm – well done!

White Rose : how lovely to hear from you! I’m sorry that your ex is playing up. They don’t have their usual audience during these times, and we suffer for it! Do you know, I have forgotten certain things about my eldest at that age. Maybe because he was such a victim of my ex, I am focussing mostly in that. Funnily enough, my eldest was saying how he finds it hard not to get involved when my youngest is rude to me, because it reminds him of how he was to me, and he feels guilty about that and so wants to stop my youngest from being so towards me! So he’s turned out ok. Thanks, you are right : a bit more strength is what’s needed.

Things are a bit better at the moment. I told my youngest that, in no uncertain terms, wound I tolerate such behaviour. Time to be tough : I’m possibly raising future husbands here! x

[Serenity]

It’s so easy to listen to the critical voices of some of those around us, and to believe it to be the truth. We might not be aware of it, but it can cloud our day, our relationships…

Try to remind yourself often how your critics words come from a place within themselves: it arises from their own issues.

Please don’t believe what they say. You are a brave lady and have been through a great deal. Distance yourself from those who
don’t support you.

Things won’t be like this forever. You will be in a different place. One thing you must not do is to blame yourself for the abuse that was done to you, because they will stop you from believing that you deserve so much more x

[Serenity]

Thank you, HopeLifeJoy,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you mention something really important : that he feels safe to go and live, because he trusts that I am now safe. He was always very protective towards me, and I have always told him that I will be fine- I am independent minded and have great support.

I lived at home during university, partly as I felt responsible for my divorced mum. I didn’t want him to feel that, and the fact he’s gone and having a ball shows that I at least succeeded in that way!

Thank you so much again x

[Serenity]

Thank you, White Rose,

You are right- he maybe needs the odd text without admitting it!

I did text him after my post, and he called me a few days later too, though partly because of practical issues. But that’s good: practical is what we want, as it shows that his emotional stuff is relatively stable!

Thank you, and I hope life is treating you well x

[Serenity]

Thank you so much, Fudge Cake! Your words are so comforting.

After a few difficult days, I am feeling a lot better about my son being away at university!

I’ve realised that my feelings were basically bound up with those of over-protectiveness towards him due to what he’s suffered at the hands of his dad ; but that the best way to make him safe is to encourage that learning and independence that will come from him living away at university.

And he’s doing such an exciting course, and will be treated with respect by his lecturers etc- the total opposite of how he’s talked down to and ridiculed by his dad. He deserves this.

Thank you again!

[Serenity]

Thanks, KIP! ❤️

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP.

After reading your comment, I did text him. He said he could tell I was worried but not to be. I said to him that mums always worry, though I know he’s very capable, and wished him good luck with his first lectures this week.

I feel a lot better for doing this. I think I was trying so hard not to ‘annoy’ him that I had taken it a bit far. After speaking to some other parents, it seems that then did in fact message a bit, especially when their offspring first left. You can’t just drop them overnight! I would have hated it if my mum had texted me all the time – but also felt abandoned if no one had texted me at all!

There is so much influence from past abuse, without us being fully aware of it. My ex never ‘allowed’ me to show my emotions, especially about the kids- because it wasn’t about him. I would be silenced, or punished. Since the divorce, I’ve tried to shield the kids from so much- maybe to the point of denying reality sometimes. My counsellor told mr that I keep disappearing off, buried underneath other people’s needs and priorities, becoming invisible. I feel better now, accepting that I am a mother who will, of course, worry! It’s what mums do! Also, change is, as you say, necessary but uncomfortable too. My son is a bright boy, and certainly deserves to do the amazing course he’s chosen to do! We are there to give our children roots, but also wings, as they say!

Thank you, KIP, for your wisdom, as always, and for helping me to see that it’s no good denying who I am 100% – it’s best to be truthful and real, whilst also ensuring you don’t behave in ways that distress your offspring x

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP. I will text him today. I need to know he’s ok and to maintain that connection.

I’ve been getting flashbacks of scenes throughout his life, and have been a bit worried about my mental health this week to be honest! I know I have a susceptibility to feeling triggered due to having had the PTSD.

When he was living here, I was actually a very laid back parent – but that’s because I could see that he was ok.

[Serenity]

It just shows you how they really aren’t on our planet! x

[Serenity]

Yes, it’s normal.

Those demanding so-and-so’s made sure that they eclipsed everything and were the most important thing in your life: there’s an abuser-shaped hole in your life.

By the end of the relationship, you’ve forgotten how to just ‘be’ and how to be you. You were trained by them to be on ted alert, tending to their needs and pandering to their moods, every second of every day.

It takes months, sometimes a good few years, to fully realise that they aren’t going to come bursting through that door at the end of the day, creating pain.

By the time they’ve finished with you, you’ve started to believe that doing things for yourself is self-indulgent and selfish, because they made you believe that. This is why you miss them: because they made you think that they were the pounding of your existence.

Add to that the crazy chemicals and adrenaline that were created in your body by their constant push/ pull, punish/ reward pattern of behaviour, which your body mistook for love chemicals. Suddenly, you feel flat. At least when they were there, you were hoping half the time ( though you were in agony the rest of the time).

It takes time for your body to settle down. It takes time for your brain to sift through the different elements of your experience and make sense of it all. It takes time to restore equilibrium and calm, to reach a level of radical acceptance about what happened to you and to find that new strength by which you will begin to rebuild and recreate.

But you will find those resources at some point, and you will feel the buzz and excitement of being in charge of your own life again ; and you will look back and see it for the prison it was.

[Serenity]

I can understand your triggered reaction in sending the email. You we’re probably subconsciously recalling all those times when you needed his emotional support that he wasn’t there for you, or when he twisted things to somehow use it against you.

I also get you feeling a bit emotionally cut off at first. It was a protective mechanism, whilst you came to terms with the situation. Don’t feel bad. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s our brain’s way of processing information so as to not overload us.

There will always be parents who won’t believe that their kids are capable of bad things. People are wrong to minimise any kind of bullying. We can only keep on ploughing ahead, leading by example, showing our kids that it’s possible to be strong, principled as well as happy in this world, that there is much good in the world, but we need to be on the look out for bad and that we can stand up for ourselves and create strong and healthy boundaries so that we can protect ourselves and enjoy the positive things. I kind of think of it like the old Ready Brek advert, with the person leaving home on a cold morning with the warm glow surrounding them. Whatever is around us, we can be stronger than it is. I hope that your daughter increases in strength and experiences the good that exists in life.

[Serenity]

So sorry, Bubblegum.

You will have good memories to keep you going, once that the pain of his loss has subsided a little.

You will be able to keep his qualities and influence alive for yourself and your kids by talking about him, sharing memories and recalling the important things he taught you in life- by remembering him often. I lost my grandmother when I was a child / nearly teen, and for years we have kept her memory alive by talking about her, and she still remains a central figure in our lives because she was such an amazing person. And do you know, it’s been over 30 years since she passed? Special people love on in us always.

[Serenity]

It’s the good moments that keep us there, isn’t it? They create hope within us that the person can change, that they feel the connection and so will, surely, get to see the error of their ways?

The good times don’t cancel out the bad times. They don’t erase the hurt and damage: they just cover them up, push them under the carpet; they are a temporary band aid. But the real damage is festering underneath. Sex is a very powerful weapon. It can be used to allure people and hook them in. Or maybe, during sex, he can somehow forget himself and show a vulnerability that he can’t in daily life. But you need someone who is kind and supportive in daily life, who doesn’t traumatise you and confuse you by yo-yoing between abuse and apparent tenderness. I haven’t been on this forum for a while and so haven’t followed your thread, but I am sure you know about the trauma bond that feels like love, as the same chemicals are produced when in love as when you are in fear. A bit of confusing biology.

The reasons or the causes of his behaviour don’t matter, in so much as either way, you are being unjustly hurt and damaged, and that’s wrong.

I’ve been out of an abusive marriage for some years now, and I was like you in my marriage- praying that he would cut out the mean moments, and just be kind and tender. Though he was dreadful, I was a mess when it ended. It was all I’d known for a long time. I cut contact, and I’m at the stage now where he doesn’t loom so large in my mind. I saw him this week, and felt nothing. I’m dealing with the after affects of the abuse still, but the craving for him in terms of wishing he could be different is gone. This will happen with you too over time, the more you distance him.

Sending you warm hugs.

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

You’re right: even though she’s my little sister, I don’t need to tolerate abuse from her. She is, after all, an adult. She needs to learn to handle her life in away that isn’t abusive to others. If she insists on carrying in as she is, people will give her a wide berth. There are kids to consider in this. It’s time she put kids first.

xxx

[Serenity]

Hi there,

I’ve been out of my marriage for more than a couple of years, and I feel less interested in being intimate with anyone than ever!

Because of what he put me through, used sex and charm to hook me, and because of all the different forms of abuse that went with it, I’m kind of allergic to the whole idea!

I’m focussing upon making my life more secure, living just ‘being’ me rather than always ‘doing’ things for or with a man.

Part of me worries that I am permanently affected by his behaviour, but if I look at it squarely, I think I’m just taking time to enjoy being me. I was a people pleaser all my life, feeling responsible for people- my childhood family, my husband…now, my priority is to just ensure that my kids and I feel safe and enjoy opportunities in life. Sex and intimacy aren’t high on my list. Maybe one day, I will meet someone I trust and would like to get close to, but I can’t see that happening until the kids have flown the nest.

[Serenity]

Hi Ssss,

I haven’t been on here for a while, but remember your story.

I have been exactly where you are- penniless,feeling totally dehumanised, hardly able to bear the kids’ pain and confusion and reflecting it all back upon myself…

Keep going, because it’s by pushing through those most didffucult times that you come to have strength that I promise will set you up for life.

Do all you can to ensure that companies and providers are aware of your situation, so you can maybe pay less on your bills for a while. Be gentle with yourselves. Do small things to comfort yourselves and to help you to feel safe. Take small steps in making new links for you and your children.

I had to take out credit cards to cope with my divorce fees and another loan. I was maxed out on the cards, just for paying for legal fees and essentials. I fought so hard to get him to pay maintenance. X years later, he’s still paying almost nothing, but I began to rise up when I promised myself that I wouldn’t rely on his money – anything from him would be a bonus, but I was capable of earning my own.

It was hard, as he’d left me with severe anxiety, and I had no confidence. It took me a while to get back to where I am now ( you can’t rush it ), but now I am finding ways to be financially more secure, and he is no longer a source of power to me.

Don’t let him make you doubt yourself.

I promise that, this time next year, you will be in a totally different place xxx

[Serenity]

PS: A friend of my sister’s- who contacted my mum out of concern (detail removed by moderator)– said that my sister has physically attacked her husband so he had to go to A and E for a gash to the head. I was horrified to hear this. I didn’t know things were that bad. Her kids must have seen this too.

My brother in law isn’t perfect, but he’s not abusive. Even she can’t say he is. She complains about his weight most of all.

[Serenity]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and wise replies!

Thank you, Eve. It’s hard when we know that their dad has affected our kids, and those who don’t understand dismiss it. Thank goodness we have groups like this, where women truly understand and can see we aren’t dramatising things. Thank you for the reminder that I can set boundaries with my family. It’s funny how certain people, who you have previously managed to distance, creep too close without you realising it! I hope you are doing ok.

Freedom To Choose: it’s true, it’s a tall order to keep going at times, with our PTSD and other things, and I’m sure we would get on much better if some people left us to direct our life in our own way and appreciated how we need to preserve some of our energy. I think, if we’ve been people pleasers in the past, some people can’t come to terms with us putting our little family unit first! I hope that you are doing well.

DIY Mum: thank you for sharing and for your encouragement. It sounds like you were as shocked as I was to hear this from your child. Wishing you strength also.

Hope Life Joy: Thanks for your kind words.

J@J Mum: I hope my post didn’t make you feel down. As KIP said, you get times when things get in top of you, and we may still have certain battles to deal with, but I am definitely a thousand times stronger than I used to be, have found ways of coping and tactics to stop him from affecting us all too much, and you will to. They will still try the same old tricks, but the difference is that, overall, they don’t affect you as much, and you find ways of manoeuvring your children through the choppy waters too! You will be ok. Your anxiety will lessen over time.

White Rose, lovely to read your response! Thank you for your kind words. Your suggestion about the laxatives made me laugh. My friend suggested tipping water from the fish tank into it, ha ha! But seriously, thank you for encouraging me, as you always did. I hope that things are going ok for you.

Thank you again, everyone. I feel a bit better today! I’ve managed to reassert my boundaries with family members and it’s onwards and upwards! As White Rose reminded me, I have achieved good things: it’s easy for us all to forget all that we have overcome and to congratulate ourselves for it! xxx

[Serenity]

Thank you, Ayanna, it’s so good to hear from you!

Thank you for your straight-talking advice. I will listen to it!

I hope that you are ok?

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP.

I’ve got to just keep going, and reassert my boundaries where needed!

Xxx

[Serenity]

I forgot to say that my ex still tries to covertly affect me. Silly things, like asking my son to fetch him something to drink from my house and parking across my drive (when he’s not allowed to even be on my road). Things that aren’t ‘bad’ enough or obvious enough for him to be done for harassment, ab which might mean that au am accused of over-dramatising (detail removed by Moderator). And as my youngest has huge anxiety issues at the moment, I can’t allow myself to get caught up in any drama and so I find myself continuing with grey rock.

[Serenity]

Hi KIP- and everyone!

I haven’t posted for months. I thought I would check how you all are.

KIP, I’ve become a bit more like how you describe recently. Home is my safe place. Well, to be more specific, trussed up in blankets in bed with my hot water bottle and my cats at my feet is my safe place! I’m ok to watch dramas on my iPad in bed- I just can’t face dramas in my own life!

You once told me that our healing goes in cycles. I’m sure that in a few months I may feel more sociable, but for now I need to withdraw. I’m going to do so without feeling guilty. It’s what I need right now. Bear in mind, you’re still dealing with some things relating to your case. So you need a place where you feel the world can’t touch you more than most.

Big hugs and Happy New Year to everyone x

[Serenity]

Thank you very much, White Rose.

Your kind words are a real comfort. It’s a tricky age at the best of times, but the adult words he’s used make me sure that it’s his dad’s doing- at least partly.

I hope that things are a bit easier for you?

Freedom to Choose : thank you for your kind support. I know what you mean- they find us a safe place to vent. But we can’t be sitting ducks for abuse either. It’s a tough line to tread.

Thank you both for your support. He’s a little better today. I stick to my guns about some things- I don’t want him to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable, but st the same time he is a teenager, and maybe my ex’s mask is falling with him and he’s reacting with hurt, anger and the realisation that his dad really doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

[Serenity]

Hi Sci Fi girl,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced.

I have two sisters. One of them was very supportive to me through my divorce. The other was what can only be described as emotionally and mentally cruel.

It was a shock, since I didn’t expect it. We went through a lot together when we were young, and I was under the impression that we were close. But when I looked at it, we were close when I did as she said and let her take the lead; and in the years leading up to my divorce, she’s been very unkind on quite a few occasions.

It hurt because to my mind, I’d always tried to be there for her. A year before my own divorce, she’s gone through a marriage crisis, and I was there for her. Yet when things came to a head for me, she was due right dreadful. She actually seemed to enjoy the power of kicking me when I was down.
She even appeared to be getting my kids to go to her.

I was distraught. I couldn’t believe how unkind she was being. Thankfully, a counsellor guided me through it.

Now, I keep her at arm’s length. I am civil enough to be polite at family gatherings, but I don’t confide in her any more. My life is not her project.

My other sister, who was very kind to me through it all, is denounced by this other sister as being dreadful! It seems that some people are blind to their own faults, yet are quick to denounce others.

It’s important that you keep those closest to you who are unjudgemental and supportive, and who guide you in an encouraging way. My counsellor told me that it’s up to us how close we let each individual we know. I’ve tried to keep that in mind x

[Serenity]

Yes, I had this too! It was most upsetting and infuriating.

In the end I had to tell people point blank- and very firmly- not to give me updates!

[Serenity]

Hi I Will Be OK,

It’s a long road- and sometimes we feel like it’s all getting on top of us, then we suddenly find a second wind.

At times like this, it’s important to slow down. You don’t need to ‘do’- you just need to ‘be.’

Maybe get back to basics – try the meditative exercise of becoming aware of the physical world. Feel cool grass on your feet, or warm sand- sunshine on your neck…remind yourself that you are a being in your own right, you have as much right to enjoy this world as anyone else- train yourself to have moments of relief where you’re not drawn into his horrible world of mind games- and those moments will become easier to effect as Tim goes on! They don’t deserve to rent a place in our head- so we must aim to try to enjoy moments where they aren’t the focus. I think enjoying the physical world is a great thing to do, since trauma sits in the body.

You’re doing well, I Will Be Ok. My divorce trailed on for ages. It’s now done. This week, O paid my last cheque to the solicitor- to do with the deeds of the house. It’s all done and dusted. You will get to that point too, where there’s no more legal shenanigans. Then you’ll be free simply to develop yourself x

[Serenity]

Your post did make me chuckle at certain points, LONC.

Yes, they do need to grow a pair. They pretend they are so powerful and so much better than us, but we were the backbone. We were the solid basis of the relationship. It was they who fed off us.

As a friend of mine once put it ( I’ve quoted this before): “You’ll do so much better without that strangulating weed.”

[Serenity]

Thanks, Ayanna.

I hope therapy is helping you to feel stronger.

The weather is improving, and I remember you telling us once about the joy you feel at sitting in your garden with your various plants and flowers and a cup of tea. I hope you are managing to do this x

[Serenity]

It took me a long time to feel angry, Sunshine.

I went through shock, denial, nostalgia, self-hatred and self-blame, but it took a while for anget to appear.

I think that when it did, it was a good thing. I was recognising that I was not to blame, and seeing things more clearly.

I think it’s natural to want a partner. I look at my life with my husband and it seems crazy. We were meant to be a team and we had the capacity to work hard and to enjoy a fulfilling life full of opportunities and to share these opportunities with our children. As it was, he tried to stifle and limit us, whilst stuffing money away for and planning wonderful opportunities just for himself. I managed to salvage something for the kids and I ( he was like a predator, trying to ‘starve me out’ of the home so he could run off with even more than he had hidden); right in til the end, he thought nothing about our rights. We had enough resources between us to giv3 all our family a good life, but he didn’t want the kids or I to have a good life- only himself.

I was so desperate to appease the monster, that I stopped asking myself who the authentic me really was. I think it’s so important to ask yourself how his question: who are you when you are being your true self? What makes you feel at peace, what makes you feel alive.

I think asking this question and then moving towards activities that reflect this will mean we engage more with like-minded people, and we are more likely to meet a kindred spirit who is more likely to be a suitable partner- though the friendships we make will give us a lot of sustenance too x

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