Stuckinturmoil

[Stuckinturmoil]

I could’ve written 90% of your post myself. Apart from the fact, my husband never apologises or take accountability and isn’t very vain.  But he just pride himself on his intellect which is another version I believe.  I have been building up to getting rid of my husband for years.  I know how hard it can be living on eggshells.  I saw a great YouTube video the other day. I’m not sure if I can post the link but I will try

 

(link removed by Moderator)

 

 

 

[Stuckinturmoil]

I have been in a very similar situation.  I recently discovered there is something called an occupation order where you can apply to the court to make them move out.  I believe you can fill it in yourself online and it’s free in cases of  domestic abuse.  I wish I had known about this (number removed by Moderator) years ago. I even paid to see a solicitor and they never told me.  hence my username stuck in turmoil

[Stuckinturmoil]

Good luck. I wish I had your strength.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I fully get where you are coming from. My husband will walk into a room I have spent all day tidying and say “doesn’t look like you have done much”. I am expected to do all the housework because I need to earn the extra money he earns to me even though we are both full time.
I dread hearing his car arrive on the drive. But then all he has to do is smile at me and I start to doubt myself. And think I am over thinking it.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I am struggling to. I got the house valued before Christmas while my husband was out and I have now made an appointment for the photos to be taken for it to go on the market, but I have no idea how I’m going to tidy it with all the kids toys. I love my Home I wish I could keep it. I don’t know how I will move stuff out. My daughter has a bed from IKEA that came in 1 million pieces afford to let me stay in the house but he won’t out of spite. They only advice I can give is things to him to work out and just do a little bit at a time and you will get there. I was told not to leave the family home, which is why I’m still here.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi butterfly. I know exactly where you are coming from. I filed for divorce months ago we are still living in the same house. He has mad a few small tweaks such as now and again listening to what I say and I can see him trying to reign in his rages a bit. But is this enough. Is it just breadcrumbing as Dr Ramani calls it.
I have the solicitor chasing me to move things on and charging me just to chase me.
The only thing I cans say is it’s unlikely it will be a permanent change. But it could be. Or he could just be messing with your head.
It’s just an awful situation I fully sympathise x

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi serendipity
It sounds awful for you living like this. It’s not acceptable to have things thrown at you. The behaviour is awful. I know I sound like a man saying this but is it worse at certain times of the month. My teenage daughter has just started behaving a bit like this and I think it’s severe PMT.
I think she knows her behaviour is awful and is pushing you away which is why she is paranoid you are having an affair.
Either way she needs to get help. It is abusive behaviour.
I have been like you for years wondering if it’s abuse or just a bad argument with me being overly sensitive. In the end I asked my GP (as still wouldn’t believe the counsellors) she said to me if someone came up to her in her surgery and displayed the behaviour I had described she would ring the police. So why should I have to deal with it at home. This put it into perspective for me.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks for all your replies.
Life is a bit more bearable atm but still nasty digs. I am feeling like I am chickening out and making the wrong decision now. I just wish I knew I was definitely doing the right thing. I feel like counselling is a waste of time and money now as they just tell me the same stuff over and over again. I feel like an expert now in emotional abuse but still struggle to believe it’s happening to me. He keeps threatening to tell the children even though I would rather wait a few weeks until I feel strong enough and know more like what will happen with the house.

I just wish I had a crystal ball and could se my future with and without him.

[Stuckinturmoil]

You need to get away from this vile bully. Do not feel sorry for him. Watch the (detail removed by Moderator) programme that was on tonight.

[Stuckinturmoil]

@galabeee I am in such a similar situation. We have been together for multiple decades too. My only relationship so I have nothing to compare it to. I have seen 3 different counsellors as deep down I want them to tell me it’s all in my head. But unfortunately they don’t. I have been told I am the front in boiling water too.
When he is in a good mood or chatting to work colleagues on Teams I think he is so nice but it doesn’t take much for the angry monster to come out.
This week I have told him I have started the divorce. What has struck me as odd is he is playing the victim sulking but has not once asked me why I am divorcing him. He hasn’t once said we can try to work it out and he hasn’t once said he loves me.
I keep thinking if I stay with him one day I will be in an old people’s home remembering this time of my life when I should have done something. It’s killing me and I am scared.

[Stuckinturmoil]

How is it going pookie1? I am almost there. Have filled in forms for solicitor. Just need to send them to her now. I keep feeling guilty and getting doubts. But I know what I need to do.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I too am in a similar position. Been with my husband since I was at school. I am approaching menopause now. So I don’t have any other relationships to compare it to.
Because of his job we spent years miles away from family and friends so I suppose I became codependent. He is so mean to me but like you you just want him to show you some sort of affection or praise.
I recently (detail removed by Moderator) and he acted like it was just any other day. It broke my heart. I will listen to that podcast thanks.
I have kept a diary of the things he says and does. I have also started recording him so if I do leave him and ever regret it I can listen to the rage and evil in his voice and reassure myself I did the right thing. I have been keeping this for 6 years and am still here.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks so much for your replies. So much of what you say is true. And most of it I have told myself. I wouldn’t want my daughters treated like this. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my weekends and plan things to look forward to. I feel like I am stuck on repeat. I am terrified I will still be in this position in 10 years time. Regretting lost years. I spoke to a counsellor who thinks I don’t have much support which is why I am finding it hard to leave. I do have friends but no family who care that much.
I too have been guilt tripped into sex. And nagged and nagged all night until I give in. Once he started doing it to me when I was asleep.
Now he sleeps in (detail removed by Moderator) which is a relief. I can’t see me ever wanting him to come back into the same bed as me.
He has never hit me but throws things in temper and has pinched, dragged and squeezed my wrists.
I think I want to start divorce to start divorce but am
Scared of how he will react.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks TS and TOIA
I still haven’t quite done it. Tried to speak to him again today but he refuses to discuss. Refused to listen or go to counselling. He cannot see he is at fault at all. Tells me I am an oddball and read too much on the internet.
I am so close now but panicked slightly about the future about him taking the children away without me.
I am also worried that getting ripped off with expensive solicitor and maybe I should go with a cheaper online one such as the Co op.
On top of all this I am still wondering if it’s all in my head. And is a life with him better than a life alone. With less money.
I feel like I am being buried alive.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I am in such a very similar situation. The only real difference is he doesn’t apologise or promise to improve. I too have been to counselling the counsellor, although she isn’t meant to say told me to leave him so then sought a second opinion from another counsellor who again was person centred, but she too let slip that I should get out. But here, I am still here in a very similar position to you I work and could afford to move out albeit a much smaller house.
Why can’t I make the final step what is holding me back? Just don’t get it. I look at it from every angle like you probably do too constantly overthinking under thinking minimising read that I’m sensationalising. But the bottom line is which I do know I do not want to spend the rest of my life in this dilemma so I’m gonna have to put my big girl pants on and just do it as by not making a decision, I am effectively making a decision to stay in an unhappy marriage.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks Alicenotichains.
I am sorry you have had to sort so much out. Awful.
The financial abuse is such a small part of the abuse. Luckily I earn my own money and even though we have been together for decades still have my own account that it goes into.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I don’t have much advice sorry @snowdrop22 as I too am in a very similar positionamd constantly second guessing although luckily I do work and have control of my own money. But he earns far more than me and I don’t get to see where it is. He puts a lot money toward bills. (detail removed by moderator) and she is always trying to manage. I can half see why as she spends money like water. I mentioned to my husband if this was financial abuse. And he absolutely hit the roof. I think it was the way things were done years ago. I couldn’t cope with how you are living he is not treating you as an equal. I did have to once as my husband was (detail removed by moderator) so when we moved I would have to give up my job and he would give me a pittance to live off.
There is a good chapter in the Lundy Bancroft book that says how it’s unfair how men treat partners who are doing all the work and staying at home. It struck a chord with me. I work full time and I am still expected to do all the housework because he earns more.

Could you tell him you are going to get a job as you want to feel independent.could you work for a few hours of a weekend when he is home to mind the children? Or look into nursery.
I have just finished a degree i did at weekends as part of my plan of getting out.

I wonder if I am brainwashing myself reading about emotional abuse and turning him into something he isn’t. But as others have said on here people in normal happy marriages do not google emotional abuse. Or post on forums like this.
I would start getting your ducks in a row. Take back some control. Maybe look into nursery for a couple of days and get a part time job. You might be entitled to free hours.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I feel your pain. It’s horrendous. My partner has a long term condition which has impacted his moods swings although they were there initially it’s made it worse. I too have woken up and can see now what he has done to me for decades. Unlike you he has never admitted he is wrong or got help. Which a few years ago I would have welcomed but now o don’t want him to as I am so close now to getting out of this marriage I do not want to be sucked back in.
If it helps I had a work colleague who left her disabled husband he drank a lot and wasn’t nice. She still supported him Joe and again but moved on and had a lovely life and relationship now. Hang on in there you can’t live your lift to please someone else. Easier said than done thoug.

[Stuckinturmoil]

This is exactly where I am at the moment. I have emailed my solicitor and told them I am ready to proceed with a divorce. I just have to send the money.
But is my life bad enough?!
Well obviously it must be pretty shit if I am on this board after midnight when I have to work in the morning.
My husband is a bully and twists everything. He gets his own way because he rages so loudly and intimidates me I am frightened. But then when I am brave enough to tell him I am divorcing him he looks sad and I relent.

[Stuckinturmoil]

@wildstar I am in the same position. I don’t really have days of him being nice to me but just days where he would act like a normal man on a normal day, so never arguing not having mood swings when I look back these days of days, we don’t have much interaction with each other, without doubt if we do anything at the weekend that means leaving the house I am normally shouted at and bullied and humiliated. It’s a constant mind game. We have been together for decades and have children and I’m so close to filing for divorce. he won’t discuss it, or admit he is in the wrong and never apologises or says he will try harder. Like you now I don’t want him to give me any reasons to stay because deep down I know it’ll just delay the inevitable. I need to get out but it’s like this invisible force or this invisible web is pinning me down and I can’t get out.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Just to add. I have seen 3 different counsellors and my GP they all say he is abusive to me so why can’t I believe it and dump him.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I too keep going through the same doubts. Is it me and not him. When I leave him and in the future will I discover it was me all along.
He ignores me when I speak to him. Won’t look at me or respond.
Rages at me in a loud booming angry voice with his eyes bulging out his head over the slightest things.
Calls me names and swears at me all the time.
Never makes a fuss of me when it’s my birthday or if I get promoted or oass an exam.
Talks over me when it’s just us talking or if we are with family.
Puts me down in front of other people.
Throws things in temper.
Never pays me any compliments.
When I am upset doesn’t comfort me.
Shuts doors in my face.
Won’t listen to any of my opinions. If I don’t agree with him I am called names repeatedly.
In arguments it is not balanced I will wait for him to finish his yelling and then when I try to defend myself he just mimics me over and over again.
He then calls me the abusive bully and how I am gaslighting him. Word he has learnt from me.
But still I am sitting here now thinking am I over sensitive. Am
I so irritating that I deserve to be treated like this? Is it me.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi Chestnut tree

Thank you for such a balanced articulate post. I think I was in a similar situation to you 5 years ago. Just starting to realise that things were not as they should be. Constantly telling myself behind closed doors all couples have issues.
Your partner has at least gone to counselling and admitted some fault. Mine never has.
I have just been watching Living with the Enemy. So many similarities apart from the violence.
I have been in the turmoil for years now. It hasn’t got better. It’s in fact worse. I know I will struggle financially.
I have however got my ducks in a row over the last 5 years.
The best advice I can give is only you know when enough is enough and how bad it is. Trust your gut instinct. And start secretly planning for a different future. You need a get out plan. It’s easy for people to say yes he is awful m get rid of him but those who really know know how difficult it is. The loyalty. The heart breaking fact of splitting up the family. Your children blaming you in the future. The worry about divorce and dividing property. It’s such a massive step to take leaving.
I gave my husband years to improve. He didn’t. I will be leaving him this year.

[Stuckinturmoil]

It’s so disheartening! So selfish

[Stuckinturmoil]

Yes bumblebee it is. No jewellery will
Make up for the sad hurt I felt all week. I think it was only bought because he was embarrassed by other friends buying me gifts and cards. I would have ben happy with a chocolate bar and him telling me how proud he was. So I started to waiver feeling guilting for planning to leave. But I have to stick to my guns.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Yes the cycle is happening again. I finally passed my degree last week. After (removed by moderator) years of studying weekends as well as working full time and having children. It wasn’t acknowledged I went to bed in tears. Then a (removed by moderator) I am bought an expensive piece of jewellery so k start doubting myself. He does love me. He isn’t that bad. But he is.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Again another post that I could have written myself. I am in the same boat. Constantly driving myself mad wondering if it’s me that is the problem. Husband drinks too much of an evening. Is unpredictable. Doesn’t listen to me and talks over me. Then pushes every butten in a condescending way until
I flip with anger as I am not being heard or being given a fair chance to put my point of view across. He then repeats the same words like you say again and again to prevent me from getting a word in. So rude and childish. I honestly think now he does this when he realises he is losing. If he can’t hear me he can’t be proven wrong.
I then get the name calling and then told I am mentally ill.
I am on my way out the door. Getting ducks in a row. It’s no way to live.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I could have written your post myself. I am in exactly the same position. Even down to the anniversary! I have booked my hair and nails months ago but I know there is no point as I will just be sat in at home !
I get called names. Made to feel worthless no praise or any nice words.
I am now accepting I need to leave sooner. Staying isn’t an option as I will regret it in 20 years time. It’s so hard. I know. He hasn’t hit me or had an affair.
I keep a diary have done for years. Last week I read it from start to finish in one go for the first time. I was in tears as I could re feel the hurt he caused me. It was the shove I needed. I keep having a wobble. Hopefully your moment will come.
(detail removed by Moderator). The bottom line is they just don’t care and never will.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I am in the same boat and have been for a good few years since I realised i wasn’t being treated how I should be.
I think people will think i have met someone else which I haven’t. It might be easier to leave if I had.
He has told me he won’t give me a penny financially if I leave. Which hurts too after decades together I haven’t got the money to battle it out in the courts.
Every year I tell myself a percentage of how much I want to stay and how much I want to go. This year it’s now ninety % to leave. I have just started following Elizabeth shaw overcoming n**c abuse. Which has helped a bit.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks searching for Hope
I am trying to stay strong. Keep
Telling myself to stay keep going.
I have been abused for so long I didn’t see it coming. I have enabled it and genuinely believe he has no idea on the impact he has had on me

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