Texas

[Texas]

I can understand that.  When I was like that I would hug myself and tell myself I was safe over and over again.  I know it is much harder in practice, but it does become less intense over time x

[Texas]

@hopingforpeace I experienced what you did about other emotions surfaced.  The best advice I took was to sit with them and let them wash over me like a wave.  It’s OK not to be able to label them at this time, as long as you are allowing yourself to experience them and not fight them.  The naming will follow x

[Texas]

Thank you for the reply 😀

I am determined to make some good come out of an awful experience, and I find using milestones to reflect on how far I have come really helpful and empowering.  The experience has actually set me off on a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, which  am grateful for.  I am learning so much.

[Texas]

I experienced this.  I just treated them like a sulking child and ignored them until they got over themselves, similar to Bananaboat.  Still not a nice thing to go through though, and not constructive.  After all, I’d lost my powers of telepathy to understand what is was all about lol.

[Texas]

It does get better.  I went from crying every day to just feeling a bit sad during key dates, and the sadness is more about him feeling he had to treat me so appallingly when I did nothing wrong.  I too thought it would never end, but it does get easier.  I find it helpful to look back and see how far I have come.  Stay strong 💪

[Texas]

I think the key is to recognise your anger and find healthy ways to deal with those feelings.  Journal, write a letter to your ex (do not send it), scream into a cushion, punch a pillow, go for a run, talk to a trusted friend etc.

[Texas]

Yep, totally normal, it will take time, but the thoughts will fade.  Hang in there x

[Texas]

Have you read Lundy’s book ‘Why does he do that?’.  Lundy ran abuser programs and provides really useful insight you might find helpful.

[Texas]

Hi,

I agree with the advice about clarifying the apology.  Ask him what he is apologising for, his response will tell you if he understands what he has done and the impact on you.

Buying you things to get something in return is cohersion, which is abuse.  So is elbowing you in the chest.

You don’t deserve any of this. Check out the Bloom course – that will help you understand what abuse is to give you knowledge as to what you might do next.

My thoughts are with you x

[Texas]

Hi,

Firstly, welcome.  You have come to the right place, and we are here to help if we can.

First of all, by leaving, you chose to put yourself and your wellbeing first.  Well done, a big step.  I know how scary that can be.  You now need to go no contact to allow yourself time to heal.  Block him on all channels.

You are in the early days of healing, so my first bit of advice for you is to be kind to yourself.  Make sure you are looking after you with healthy meals and enough sleep etc.  You are probably beyond exhausted, so this will help.

Keep talking to others, whether it is a friend, posting on here, or getting counselling.  You need to tell your truth and feel heard.  I don’t think your family will judge you.  I am sure they will want to help and support you.  Maybe tell just one family member first?

Feel your feelings. Don’t squash them down.  Allow them to come.  Cry if you need to.  Punch or scream into a cushion.  This will help you to heal emotionally.

The hardest part for me was the trauma bond.  At first I found it really hard to separate my memories of the good person and the nasty person.  Keep a journal – write down all the nasty things that he did.  Not only will this get them out of your head, but it will also serve as a reminder of the horrible things he has done, which will, over time, break the trauma bond.

I mentioned in another post the Bloom program.  It really is excellent.

Also do some things for you.  Nice bath.  Little projects like decorating a room.  These will help you stop ruminating and give you a sense of achievement.

I am sure there are lots of other ideas others on the forum can give you. The trick is finding a formula that works for you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to stop blaming yourself.  None of this is your fault.  No one deserves to be treated this way.  You did not make him do anything. He chose to do these things.

Big hugs

[Texas]

THIS!!!

Absolutely agree 100% with this!!

For me, it was also accepting:

My healing journey is unique.

My truth.

That I cannot help or change the abuser.

That I am a worthy person who deserves to be treated with respect.

That none if this was my fault or deserved.

That abusers have a choice; nothing and no one ‘makes’ them do it.

That love is not ‘unconditional’.  From now on for me it is conditional on being treated with respect.

I am sure there are others survivors can add to the list 🙂

 

 

[Texas]

Hi @Beachrunner, just checking in to see how you are?

[Texas]

You are so full of wisdom and helpful advice @minimeerkat x

[Texas]

I’m reading the Lundy book for the second time, it makes so much more sense through my different mindset….

[Texas]

Yeah these people are a bottomless pit and all the love in the world will never be enough for them, but that’s on them!

The free time now can be filled with good things 😀 you just need to remind yourself what you like and enjoy. You have probably forgotten as your focus has been on his neediness for so long. But reminding yourself is the fun bit!

[Texas]

Hello, great to hear from you! You are doing so well. It may not feel like it but honestly you are.

Liking rainy days as they don’t trigger memories is normal, I’m the same! But what I try and so is change the association. Sunny days triggered me at first but I made sure on sunny days I planned nice things to do so I replaced the association. I also make sure I play music I enjoy so when I feel a bit low I can play those songs and that will take me to those nice memories.

You deserve to be valued for who you are. If someone cannot so that and make you feel that bad then they are not worth the trouble. You deserve so much better! In time you will reach a point where you will be truly glad he is gone, and he has made room for the good things and people you need in your life, which you do deserve!

At first it will seem there are more bad days then good, but in time you will see that the balance has started to shift the other way! Soon there will be more good times then bad 😀

Think carefully before deciding to send that last message. I’ve had similar thoughts. In the short term you might feel better, but in the long term, you will just prolong your pain. It will also give him the message that you will always come back despite how poorly he treats you. Hold that boundary firmly! Reinforce it!

You can write that last message but do not send it, it’s for you.
You could then throw it away, delete or burn it if you wanted.

I kept a journal and I found it helpful to talk through what I had written with my counsellor. It also helped me to remember things I wanted to discuss with her. That might help you perhaps?

What you are experiencing is normal. These people have a knack of breaking you down so much that you no longer know or recognise yourself. I found that. But I have also enjoyed getting to know and liking me. I don’t love myself yet, but I am getting there.

Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing really well x

[Texas]

Yay go you!!! You are smashing it!!!

[Texas]

Love this!!!

[Texas]

You cannot force acceptance, it takes as long as it takes. While you are going through the process, be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Set yourself little projects you enjoy. Develop a routine. Take things moment by moment. When you find yourself thinking back to the love bombing stage etc., bring yourself back to the present. The present is the reality. This will not last forever, I promise.

[Texas]

When I struggled with the urge, I said these things to myself. Would I ever trust him again? The answer was always no. Second, I reminded myself I had to choose between him or me. I chose me every time x

[Texas]

Hi Phenomenon

You are not going crazy, this is perfectly normal. Reconciling the nice person and the nasty person was something I really struggled with. You so want the nice person to be the reality, and even now I cannot quite believe there are people out there who can be that mean and nasty. But that is who they are. It’s not our fault and there is nothing we can do to fix them, as that is how they choose to behave. You are also breaking the trauma bond, which is compared to drug withdrawal as that is what it is, but this is the chemicals in the brain we are talking about.

Have some grounding exercises ready in case your mind starts to think about what could have been. They will bring you back to the present. The present moment is the reality, and he is no where to be seen…which is good in the long run despite how much you miss him. Ask yourself – could you honestly trust him again?

Big hugs and be strong x

[Texas]

Hi

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you are doing so well.

When I felt like I was waivering, I always asked myself one question. ‘Could I ever trust him again’? The answer was always no, and that kept me strong.

[Texas]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

Have you tried EMDR? I found that really helpful.

[Texas]

Totally normal, still feel that way sometimes though it has been some months now and despite the horrible way he treated me. Allow the feelings to come as this is a key part of healing. Sending hugs xx

[Texas]

Hi Beachrunner, I have been thinking of you. Sorry you have found it hard, but everything you have described is completely normal. I really struggled with the nice person nasty person conflict as well. I have come to accept that this was all about them and their issues and nothing to do with me, and in time I will recover and they will have to continue to live with themselves.

I am quite a few months in, and there are some times where I do miss (the nice) him. This can be triggered by the weather, a song or even an advert on TV. The other day, I thought I could smell his scent. But this means I have more healing to do and if I process them now I will be completely free of the emotional trauma in the future. Also this is happening less and less so it does get easier. It is so important to be kind to yourself and look after yourself so keep it up!

I would block him on Whatsapp. You need space completely away from him so you can recover and not get sucked back into the cycle. I know this is hard, but it is so empowering as you are taking back control and prioritising you.

Keep posting, I am rooting for you.

[Texas]

It really is the small things that count!

[Texas]

@Bulbssprouting happy to share but each person’s journey will be unique but hopefully you will find something amongst what I did that will help you.

Routine was definitely helpful. Unstructured time is not helpful as gives you time to ruminate. I also found something grounding and comforting in having a routine.

Also I went into counselling as soon as I could. I had 2 aims for counselling; come to terms with the abuse, and work on my relationship with myself. Building a good relationship with yourself is the best defence against future abuse. I am still on this journey now; learning to be my own best friend, understanding that I deserve to be treated with respect, learning to set boundaries etc.

Self care is also vital. Being kind and compassionate to yourself. Taking rest when you need to. Healthy diet. Sitting with feelings as they come and go.

Taking time to journal my thoughts and feelings was also really helpful. I have also now started to write every day the small things in life I appreciate and the things I appreciate about myself. It was hard at first but getting easier.

The fun bit is discovering what I like and enjoy. Podcasts, games, walks in the countryside. Make a list of things to try and give it a go! Little projects are also helpful – decorate a room, buy and look after a house plant 🪴

Don’t get me wrong, I am not where I want to be yet, and in all honesty this has been the most difficult experience of my life. But what I do know is that I do not want to be the same person I was before this happened. I want to be a better, stronger version of myself. And I am enjoying getting to know me!

I hope this is helpful.

@stargazing1 thank you for your good wishes 😀

[Texas]

Hey, well done for what you have achieved. You should be really proud of yourself 👏

Counselling can be mentally and emotionally tiring, so perhaps take that day or half day off work to recover. It’s self care, and you deserve that ❤️

[Texas]

You can do it, you’ve got this.

[Texas]

Commit this to memory. This is the real him. Then next time you start to reminisce, recall this moment x

[Author]

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