tryingtosleep

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Typ1

Just to say that you are in the right place. My ex is also an alcoholic – he was a high functioning alcoholic for years until he had a huge breakdown. It’s hard to accept that the relationship is abusive when at times it seemed just very ‘normal’ – whatever that means. But at other times, his behaviour wasn’t good.

March is not so very long to wait for therapy. But if you need support, there are other avenues as well as I’m sure you are aware.

Keep posting and if you want – feel free to message me.

Take care!

[tryingtosleep]

Hey Firsttimedivorcee

Sorry you have to deal with this b*sh*t

All I can say is you get used to the lies and the dramas and as time goes by you learn to take a step back from it all.

It’s not easy – I’m not there yet but I’m less involved than I was.

There was a time that his mum begged me to go to his when he wasn’t answering his phone. She thought he’d ended it. I left the kids after a days work, rushed over and found him lying semi naked drunk on the bed.

I feel like he still wants to keep a hold on me, whatever way he can.

You’re not stupid. Nor are you naive.

You just want him to treat you the same way you treat him.

They say they care. But they care most about themselves. Mine has cried on the phone to the kids then not seen them for months.

Take a big breath and try to walk as far away as you can. Remember that you are the stable one for your kids. They will understand that. Try to have as little expectation as possible from him. And anything else is a bonus.

Feel free to message me anytime

X

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Firsttimedivorcee

Your ex sounds very manipulative and coercive. You sound like you are coping very well despite this. You also mention that he has physically abused you.

Some things that you write about remind me of how my ex behaved when he left.

My ex asked my dad to tell me not to leave him (my dad said – ‘she’s a xx year old woman – she can make her own mind up’).

He gave me a list of songs on a mini-disc player that he had recorded.

Mine was also suicidal and even called me at work when I didn’t reply to his messages.

Even though we have been split for X years now – he still frequently tells the kids that he doesn’t want a divorce and tells them how much he spent on a lawyer and recently that – this was the reason why he couldn’t afford to buy them the xmas presents that he had wanted to buy them. Often he has broken down on the phone to them. The other day he decided to discuss the divorce with the kids on the phone  – asking them if they agreed with him. I told the kids that he shouldn’t be discussing the divorce terms with them.

It sounds like you might need some legal support.

It’s all very tiring and I am looking forward to a time when things are easier – so good luck and I hope you manage to navigate an easier path than I have!

Just thought I’d mention – I happened to meet a friend of friend the other day who is also divorcing – she said that they agreed how much she’d pay him to buy him out and it’s all sorted. Plus agreements on who has the kids and when (without involving lawyers). This is surely how it should be when a relationship breaks down.

I’ve learnt to give as brief response as possible to his messages. And to try and avoid arguing when I see him (which can be hard as he is looking for a reaction).

I think you know that he is being abusive when your stomach is tied in knots at the thought of seeing him and when you feel physically sick around him.

If you do decide to engage a lawyer – they usually offer a 30 minute free session on the phone first. Also there are lots of facebook divorce websites out there that offer advice as well. – pm me if you need any support.

Good luck! xx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Roseandthorn

I wanted to reply as your post really resonated with me.

I’m really sorry that you have gone through this with your partner. It sounds very traumatising.

If you believe that he raped you there are steps that you can take – but they’re not easy ones.

Some of your partner’s behaviour sounds familiar to me especially his reactionary behaviour.

I wanted to say that the thing that helps me sometimes is to write things down. I think it allows me to validate my experiences.

I left my relationship mainly because it didn’t feel safe anymore. But he won’t accept or acknowledge that that’s the case.

It’s hard when you know your own truth but you feel like you’re banging your head against a wall. Because they refuse to accept it.

The other thing that I wanted to say is something that my counsellor said to me.

She said that he will never accept my point of view, my truth.

She said it’s best for me if I accept that he will never understand or accept it. He can’t think about anyone except himself.

Good luck with whatever steps – if any – you decide to take next.

I really hope you are ok.

Sending lots of love x

[tryingtosleep]

Dear LavenderLilly

I’m really sorry that these things happened to you. It sounds really horrific and very frightening.

I quite frequently go through different things that happened before my ex and I split up. I think it’s my way of processing it. But it also helps me if I start to feel bad for him or feel guilty for leaving him. It’s not surprising that you are reliving these events if you are still living with him as you must still find his presence quite threatening at times – even if, as you said, he has calmed down now.

I’m not an expert, but it may help to speak to a counsellor about these experiences to help you process them. Good luck x

[tryingtosleep]

So sorry statshine. Please remember these things are so so hard.

I could never have left my relationship without the support of others.

Please be kind to yourself. Stressful situations are so very exhausting. Tomorrow is another day.

Take care of yourself x

[tryingtosleep]

Good luck 🤞 🤞

[tryingtosleep]

Hey statshine

These steps are always scary especially after everything you have been through.

No-one deserves to be abused.

You can do this. You’ve already been so brave already.

Little steps.

Lots of love xx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Hop1

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds familiar – although my ex also drinks – so contact with the children is very inconsistent. When you have kids with them – it is very hard to escape. I also feel very trapped – especially as he is making it so very hard for me to divorce him.

In order to make it manageable – I have set times and set days that my kids call him – (x times a week at a X o’clock). Outside the agreed times, you don’t need to respond or pick up.

He lets me know when he is able to come and visit and they see him outside the house – in a café. I leave them with him for a short time after I have made sure that he is sober.

If you don’t want him in your house – then it is perfectly fair for you to say so. You need to keep your boundaries clear and hold onto them tightly as he will do anything to cross them. If he has been violent as you say – you can get an occupation order to ensure that he doesn’t come to your house again.

One thing that you said was really reminiscent of what mine used to say to me. You said he claims that he takes ownership for his mistakes but that you don’t. My ex frequently used to tell me that it was always him who apologises not me. It’s like they are trying to make it out that you are responsible for their behaviour.

I asked my ex to leave because it was chaos. And because he wasn’t safe. But one thing my therapist said to me was, it’s best if I accept that he will never understand that. They can only think of themselves. I find this very hard to understand.

Good luck – it’s always little steps – but hopefully in the right direction!

[tryingtosleep]

Hi purplecupcake

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Is it possible to rearrange the date or time to when somebody else is able to supervise?

Otherwise it sounds like it will be a very stressful situation for everyone involved. Also your kids may well also pick up on how uncomfortable it is for you?

You’re not denying him, just finding am alternative arrangement?

X

[tryingtosleep]

Hi bov94

I hope you are ok.

Accepting that you were / are in an abusive relationship is hard. Maybe you are just not ready to take this on board yet.

You are being very brave standing up to him. He will try and twist you and your feelings as much as he can and for as long as he can. He has lost control and he wont like it. He will do / say anything to try to regain control.

Try not to have too much contact with him if you can.

I sometimes feel like I am missing / regretting having lost that life. But I know that the person that I miss is no longer there. And there is no going back. He has changed and we have changed.

And it sounds like your ex was not really that person before either – if he was lying to you all that time.

Good luck – you are doing what is best for you and your children.

[tryingtosleep]

Dear aquagirl

You’re so right that if it was a friend – you’d be begging them to throw him out.

Guilt is a very common theme in these relationships, but you did the right thing. It might take you some time to realise that it was the right thing but you will get there. He on the other hand never will.

He is an adult and he is responsible for himself. If he’s sad and depressed, then he needs to fix this himself. You can’t do it for him.

You deserve to live in a safe place. Things will get better.

Lots of love xx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear hpsauce

I’m so sorry that you are going through all this. I recognise some of these feelings.

I am trying to divorce my ex and he’s making it as difficult as he can. The end still seems a long way off. I think he is using it as a way of still being in control.

I quite often just want to cry when people tell me how well I’m doing. What do they know?

It sounds like some counselling might help if you can get it. Have you tried speaking to your GP?

Feel free to message me if you need to.

X

[tryingtosleep]

Hi bov94

Sorry to hear that your ex is treating you like this.

I have been here before.

Just to remind you that this is just what he wants. He wants you to be stressing out about him. Try to find a distraction if you can. Something mindless. Or meeting up with friends. It’s not easy but it sounds like you are coping really well. X

[tryingtosleep]

Omg – it’s the lies that really get to you isn’t it.

My ex’s lawyer is claiming he contributed 50/50 or more to household chores and childcare. I don’t think he even once cut their finger nails.

He doesn’t know what involved means….

Sorry, I don’t have much advice but if he has mental health issues (as mine does), then I would document it as much as possible as the children are likely to be safer with you.

Good luck x

[tryingtosleep]

Hi legocity2024

Just to add there’s lots of divorce support groups out there on Facebook. I’ve found them helpful as it can be a complex process. Also there’s someone called Ellie Foster who runs a divorce without lawyers group which helps to get you clued up even if you are using lawyers. X

[tryingtosleep]

I could have written a lot of this myself (detail removed by Moderator) years ago except my husband was also paralytically drunk so in and out of a+e all the time.

Social services advised that he couldn’t be in the house on his own with the kids because of this. When he finally went (detail removed by Moderator) I asked for a separation.

It’s not an easy decision to make but he is an adult. You need to protect your children. Social services are there for a reason. But you also deserve to be treated better than this. You have no choice but to work with social services and keep your children safe.

Good luck, none of this is easy. Xxx

[tryingtosleep]

My ex seemed to be holding onto some kind of hope for a long time – but he also seems to have completely reinvented the past as well. His version of the truth is very different from my version of the truth. I’ve don’t bother to correct him anymore.

He’s an alcoholic so I don’t know if he’s brain damaged or in denial or both?

Good luck xxx

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Freebirdie
I can only speak from personal experience.
But my stbx has told my kids that he understands that I want a divorce, but he just doesn’t understand why. I can’t see us getting any further than this. Xxx

[tryingtosleep]

Totally recognise this. According to my ex – I have stopped him from seeing the children. I caused the divorce – because I asked for the divorce. His alcoholism is an illness. I should understand that the often unpleasant behaviour should be regarded as a symptom of the disease.
They will never accept any responsibility. It’s very hard to cope with all of this.
xxx

[tryingtosleep]

Good luck with your counselling @swanlake
Counselling is never an easy option – but I think it helps…

I am having some counselling at the moment – and while I do find it useful – I also find it very exhausting and question myself a great deal on what I am getting out of it.
But I do think it helps me to know myself a little better – especially after all of the things that we have been through.

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Munchkin04
I am out of my relationship – but I could have written this in the past. Definitely lots of OCD behaviours.
Mine is an alcoholic – so I think a lot of the obsessions were his way of trying to deal with this.
So – while he was very annoying – at least it stopped him from drinking (at least temporarily).
He was obsessed about running – until he kept breaking various bones. Obsessed about many many things. It’s very tiring.
I was always told off for not instigating sex – but why do you need to – when it’s always on tap……….
He was very coercive too. Make sure that you can take some time out for you – you need to put yourself first – not him.
xx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear UHOH

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. This sounds very scary.
My ex also told me that he needed me to support him – but I wasn’t qualified to deal with him.

There are some things that you can do.
If you can get him to register with a drugs and alcohol service – they might be able to support him. http://www.changegrowlive.org is good. But you need to get his permission for this.

But for you – you can get in touch with a Social worker to support you and your children’s school should be able to offer you support and advice – as well as your GP like HFH said.

Also – this service provides support with obtaining emergency injunctions:
http://www.ncdv.org.uk/self-referrals

If you can face going back to the house – and it is not too dangerous – it should be easier to get him out. Then you can start to sort out a non-molestation order.

You said that there are holes in doors – surely this is enough evidence of his violence.
It’s important to journal everything that you can – with dates if possible.

Remember – they always think that they are the victim. Whatever you say or do will not change that. And they will try to use whatever words or actions to coerce you – including threatening to take their own life.
Also there is al-anon who support families of alcoholics – who can give you support as well.
Look after yourself and your children. Xxx

Feel free to message me – if you want

[tryingtosleep]

Hi lostsoul123
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling – and that you have had to put up with this kind of behaviour.
It is good though that you have been receiving therapy.
Only you will know when you are ready to leave. He is a grown up though – and he should be able to look after himself. You are not responsible for him.
It’s really hard to know who to open up to. Is it possible to get some more therapy to help you work through these problems?
Also if you can – try and write down as much as possible about what is happening to you. It might help you reflect on where you are and what you have had to deal with.
Wishing you luck xx

[tryingtosleep]

i felt i had to reply…

my ex said thank you to me as well once.
to me it just showed that he knew that the sex was for him and not for me.
i felt weird about it afterwards as well. it was my choice – i had been resisting him for a while. but it kind of felt like payment. xx

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Mumofcats
My family had intervention from an Early Help Social Worker – so it was voluntary – but it was the help that I needed at the time. She liaised between us and schools and also between the addiction centre where my ex was registered. She was the first person who pointed out to me that his behaviour was abusive and she clarified some of his inappropriate behaviour with the children. I know that it can be scary but generally they want to be supportive – and I literally cried when she closed the case – (as he was no longer living with us). I guess when we were referred I wanted to get him out – but didn’t know how to – having the social worker involved gave me confidence to do so x

[tryingtosleep]

Just wanted to say @stargazing1 – that I used exactly the same phrase to my counsellor last week – that I felt I was ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’.
When my ex-partner continues to deny and they are now no longer in the house so their behaviour is no longer as obvious – it does seem sometimes that maybe I’ve just imagined it all. It’s very hard to feel validated – despite the numerous accounts and messages and texts I keep as evidence to myself.

[tryingtosleep]

Well done for getting out, southernblues.
I think sometimes (well for me) you have pushed all those emotions down for so long that it takes a long time for them to come back to the surface.
I also think if you are in an abusive relationship, in order to protect yourself – you learn ‘not to feel’.
So it takes a long time for those feelings to re-emerge.
Hopefully this makes sense? x

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Caledonia6

Sometimes I struggle with my daughter. She’s also repeated some of the things her father said which can be very painful.

I got her to go to a couple of counselling sessions but she refused to go to any more. (She’s in her teens.)

One thing her counsellor said to me was to ‘try to be a friend to her more than a parent’. I don’t know if this helps?

Xx

[tryingtosleep]

Hi @Rose1

Not much advice I’m afraid – but I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how difficult it can feel when your partner is a drinker. I spent a long time pretending everything was ok – until it really wasn’t and at this point social services got involved. Then he went into rehab and at that point I asked him not to come back.

I think the hardest thing is when he’s not drinking and I doubt myself all over again – especially when the children start to trust him and wonder why I don’t. And of course – he denies all responsibility and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be his friend.

It is so much better now he’s gone – but it’s not easy.

Look after yourself. x

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