Tuppance

[Tuppance]

Thankyou everyone for making me feel welcome to come back and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made to me to read your replies.

I do feel guilty, to blame, am scared but I know I have done the right thing deep down.

thankyou again x

[Tuppance]

Hi
I agree with Imagine. Yes, I do end up shouting at times, through sheer frustration and the kids have no respect for me as I think they picked it up from their dad but I always apologise if necessary, explain and follow through with any enforcements. Yes, it will take time but I want my kids to know thY consequences are a reality and. That I am stronger now. Consistency is the key. Xxx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou.
I think the last few weeks have been the toughest, where his behaviour hadn’t been that bad but still on occasion and I reflect on the good times. I have done a lot of grieving, self hating and guilt tripping over my decision but a couple of things really hit home lately. One was an inspirational quote online which said that ‘
A good father does not abuse his children’s mother. A mans abuse of a mother proves in itself that he is not thinking or caring adequately about what is good for the children’. Then i saw ‘ after someone hurts you, you are not the same anymore’ and finally ‘ stay away from people who do not take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them for what they have done to you’. I found these and others similar quite empowering and have them as photos on my phone I look at often. Then the other day I saw a long ago friend and we had a catch up and we have been on such similar life journeys so far, it was incredible and she said to me ‘ you have to stop worrying about what you think other people will say or do’ you have no control at all in this and it zaps valuable energy whilst you are in survival mode. People will think/say/do what they want and you can’t control that. Let it go – what will be, will be.
So, I am feeling less inclined to do all the things I was going to offer him and what I really want to say is ‘ the hurt you caused me, how you dealt with my unhappiness and continued behaviour towards myself and others has changed everything’. I have grieved, cried, worried and searched for answers. YOU did this and I continued to put you and the kids first. I have never bad mouthed you to any of our friends or family, I have defended you when there really was no defence. I have considered your feelings before my own, it is time for me now to heal and to do what I believe is right. I have done all that I have done ( setting up new home secretly ) to make it easier for the kids and to allow you to remain in our house amongst our friends. I want nothing more, right now, than my freedom to be the best person I can be. I am not taking the children away from you, I am giving them a second home of peace and calm amongst a community in which they will be able to play with their school friends. We will share the parenting of our children. The children have their own voices and I am happy for them to stay with either of us whenever they want. I shall be moving out on xxx. If you cannot deal with this fairly for the children I will go now with them and will explain to them what is happening. – just reading this it seems I am still saying too much. Damn that man for breaking me.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying – I apologise for my delayed gratitude.
I have booked some Reiki to help with the anxiety. I am
Told it’s really good.
Xx

[Tuppance]

Oh my gosh Bridget JIF. How on earth are you coping? Can you not get into a refuge ?? I am sending you my biggest wishes for you that you remain safe until you can get out. Xx

[Tuppance]

Hello abc, I think of you often, being one step ahead of me in your quest for a better life. Your husband and mine seem so similar – you could be writing about him. Mine completely devalues the hurt and pain he has caused too. I am going to write a journal from my first day of freedom to help me cleanse and process. Just keep reaffirming your love to the kids and although I would do the same thing in updating my husband with their achievements to be fair and to be seen by everyone that you are being mature and kind, reading it in black and white I wonder if your husband thinks you still have feelings for him if you do this? That’s what I think mine would think even though I a. Doing it just to be nice. It’s just a thought. Keep strong – you are doing so very well and everyday is a day in the right direction xx

[Tuppance]

I too suffer with anxiety and have had attacks normally when it is loud and busy and lots of people or something happens that I wasn’t expecting and I can’t process it to sort it out. It is hard with the kids but if I can I take 10 and go and lie on my bed. I turn all noises off and hug my favourite pillow. I would take it everywhere if I could. I also get fresh air – normally it means I go out in my car and drive a circular loop in peace with the windows
Open blasting me with fresh air. I too tend to hermityself and withdraw. What I really want is a big strong safe compassionate
Man ( friend / relative ) to hug me and tell me it’s all ok. So – that’s where my pillow comes in. It’s hard to explain anxiety to other people as, like
You said, externally we often don’t look like we are suffering xxx

[Tuppance]

Thank you KIP. I just don’t like hurting people – even those that have hurt me. I see the good in everyone, I believe in the power of kindness. All of this, together with my lack of backbone and fear of confrontation makes it hard for me to upset people. I will think hard on what you have said. At least I don’t feel guilty anymore – I think that was a hard emotion to / feeling to conquer . Xxx

[Tuppance]

Dear Iwillsurvive
It reads as though you are just one step ahead of me on your journey of new freedom. I am very nearly out.
I can relate totally to the new relationship you want to form with you ex and your desires for him to have a better parental relationship with your children – that is something I want and have told my husband. I want to have a positive co parenting relationship and I want my husband to accept his wrong doing and change to how he used to be. I want him to find love again and be with someone – just not me. I don’t think they realise, just because we have left for the better life we wish for ourselves and our kids, that we too have to grieve the end of our marriage, grieve the loss of the man we fell in love with, come to terms with the fact that this man who promised to love us , in the midst of love , hurt us so very deeply. Just because we choose to leave doesn’t make it easier. I wish you luck and sending you a hug as you continue to Sallie forth. You have done a wonderful thing for all your family, and you. Take comfort knowing how caringly and compassionately you are dealing with it all, him too. Your ideals match mine – in time, with patience and constancy, we will get there and the children will remember your dedication to encouraging and supporting your husbands relationship with them. Well donex

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for replying. Part of the problem is that it was my dad that actually told me it would damage my relationship with my kids if I ruined their Christmas and he and my mum and brother are the main support structure I have. I am going to speak to my mum tomorrow and see if she knows what my dad said and if she agrees ( they don’t often !) all
Of you will know the fragility I feel regarding my children disowning me / being hurt and I am a natural people pleaser – that’s why I have stayed for so long. Tonight my boy is behaving like his dad – his dad has been away 2 nights ( heaven !) but his dad is home tonight and my boy is blanking me and engaging with his dad. I think he is playing games. I must be strong and fight this need for constant affection / validation from my children. One day they will leave. On another day they may disagree with something I have said and cut me off – I think I am trying to pre-empt every move in the future . I have to be realistic Thankyou all xxxxx

[Tuppance]

I used to love my music but again, like you both, I find the words upsetting. Normally I prefer just peace and quiet – my tolerance of noise is really low. Someone popped a bag of crisps near me the other day and I nearly hit the ceiling. It really upset me – made me feel silly x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou strong soul. I agree. I know what I need to do but it is still so scary. I don’t think he can help himself – really I don’t x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou both. I am just going to keep things light and pleasant with my ‘friend’ so that no one (she) can say I am ignoring her or being rude. I do not need that negativity.
My plans continue and I feel motivated by what you said , KIP, that the making of the decision created huge anxiety but once decision made it was a lot better. I have a couple of really hard ones to make ( well hard for me ). I think I will put them to you all to see what you think . Thankyou again – your support means so much xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou ayanna. I just do not know anymore when I am normal or not to be honest. I had lunch today with a ‘friend’ at her insistence as she wanted to help me. This is the same friend who sent me into the worst anxiety attack of my life when she told me I was calculating and she didn’t agree with what I am doing. Today she started by saying she was worried for me and I started to open up a bit ( I have refrained since the last episode ) and we ended with her telling me she still didn’t agree with my actions and that her husband thinks I. Am trying to send HIM mad by being miserable so he will just walk out so I get to keep the house and that she feels sorry him and wants to give him a hug. Absolutely floored again. Why is it so hard to fight for what’s right ?

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying. It was my husband who said in his opinion I couldn’t cope with the kids and that is why I haven’t pushed the separation. He said that he will help me but that makes me angry and upset because he did this to me. He asked why I am so miserable ‘ I thought your tablets would help’ he said. I am trying but I have so much resentment and confusion and I am so bloody scared that if I lose my kids then I won’t be able to cope. How do you live without your babies? What purpose have I then? It will only be my love for my parents and brother that will stop me ending it all – I know that and that is scary too. I don’t trust myself to be able to find the strength to cope. How do you do it? He said we need a resolve but he always starts these conversations after he has been drinking and the kids are about. He said when I decide to tell him what I want then I am not allowed to write to him, send him an email or ‘book’ a chat with him. So what do I do? He said he will be angry if he gets a solicitors letter. He caused all of this and I feel like I am the bad person. He swore at me when I was struggling with my speech and trying to explain how the anxiety is affecting me. ‘ you can ‘f’ that ‘s**t’ in right now he shouted at me then he went off and left me to deal with our eldest who said it was my fault as I wasn’t talking. I can’t bear it. Truly I am not a bad person – I don’t think I have deserved this.

[Tuppance]

Sorry Lisa – obviously a huge chunk of my post was not allowable. There was more detail about how my sons behaviour has changed over the weekend to supporting his dad and accusing me of not talking. Getting pulled in both directions. Anyway, sorry Lisa and Thankyou KIP – so much has gone on for so long that the edges become blurred. I need to focus on the horrendous negativity and not the last couple of weeks of 50% nice guy xx

[Tuppance]

Hi ABC – Thankyou for posting this as this is the constant conversation going on in my head. It could be / should be a sensible and caring conversation, putting the kids emotions and feelings first but my husband, like yours, will not be able to do that. He has already shown his colours so I am preparing for him to play the victim and gain their sympathies. I was going to lead with the fact that we both love them very much but that we are going to live in separate houses for a while whilst I get better. That they can spend whatever time they want with each of us – there is no blame or worry about competition beteeen us. That neither of us will feel bad whatever they choose. That we will sort out each week when they will spend time with each of us. I want to tell them that we care very much for each other but we need to sort things out. It’s hard because I want to do it gently but I don’t want to give them false hope but perhaps that would be kinder in the immediate and then, as the dust settles and we fall into a routine, they will come to accept two homes?? Let’s see what other advice we get xx

[Tuppance]

Dear abc
You and I are in practically the exact situation although I am not filing for divorce – a separation for me, felt like the best option then as the dust settles I can make it permanent.
I read the freedom programme book which was good and have just ordered freedoms flowers by pat craven. It gives advice and help with regards to dealing with our children following DV. It might be worth a read? I haven’t got mine in the post yet but will look at anything for those definitive words that reassure me my kids will be ok . Good luck – let’s get through it together !! Xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou Healthy Archive – that’s really kind of you. I shall have a look at that with great interest. Xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou everyone for replying to me. I am
Struggling at the moment to type much but I wanted to say a genuine Thankyou – I don’t know how I would have gotten this far without all your support and kindness. X xx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou KIP. I can’t stay anywhere else and it really wouldn’t be fair on the kids as they would have a nearly 30mile trip to school every morning. I just need to stay strong but I hate the pretence but then I think – if he had acted properly when I said I wanted a separation then I wouldn’t have had to resort to this. He has told me he will be really mad if he gets a solicitors letter so I will leave all of that until I am out of the house. I think he will go mad anyway but what’s the worst he can do ? He has never hit me before and I don’t think he would – he tends to buy his way out of hassle with other people so I am not scared – it’s the pyschological damage of his intimidation, long fast lectures, self pity and spitefulness that reduces me to a shaky mess. I have my families full support – that will have to be enough to get me through. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me xxx

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for your replies. It really helps to know I am not the only one to go through or have gone through this. I know, as the one calling time in my marriage, that I will be held to blame or held accountable and I also know the children do not need to hear about all the detail as it could damage their relationship with their dad and that is one thing I continue to work hard at improving although it would be emotionsllly easier for me if they hated him
all the time. Oh my, so very very difficult to try and ore empty their reactions. I suppose I just have to take solace in the fact that I am TRYING to do the right thing for them and myself and trust that they will forgive me in the end. Xxxx

[Tuppance]

I am approaching this situation too. My house purchase should be completed (detail removed by moderator) and he knows nothing about it. That will hurt him I know. It is such a shame as I have tried and tried to tell him andnsi wanted it to be amicable and respectful ( think gwyneth Paltrow and chris Martin !) but he proved that would not be an option when he started to try and hurt the kids ( verbally ) to hurt me. I have gone downhill since then – everyday pretending to be trying and yet secretly planning my escape. God knows how to have that final conversation so I can’t help but I totally relate xxxxx

[Tuppance]

Oh Eve1 I am so sorry for you. Please allow yourself time to grieve – in what ever way helps you. In time you will come to live with the kids of your mum but the pain remains. Make sure you do all you can to look after yourself at this difficult time. Xxxx

[Tuppance]

Big hugs, i meant xx

[Tuppance]

Hello. Your post, so sad could have been written by me. All those desperately negative emotions, lack of drive. Lethargy, despair. I just hold onto the dreams of a better life, getting there day by day, surviving, existing. I will also need to get a job but I have no valuable skills. We will get there though because it is inherent in our being to survive. Big his to you and I hope you feel a sense of achievement for applying for jobs – that is another step towards the life you deserve xxx

[Tuppance]

Hi Bridget JIF. Malaya is so right – you don’t bore anyone on here. Whilst you post your own difficulties you are also a fantastic support to so many of us in here.
Please try and get back to the refuge if you can. Keep records and notes. It’s all I can think of but we all know there is a better life for us that we deserve to have we just need to find that one thing ( bravery, the straw that breaks the camels back, words of wisdom that change things ) to get us out and I do hope you find it soon. You do not deserve this misery – none of us do and we only have one tiny life to live xxxx

[Tuppance]

Oh Free Fairy I am routing for you and your beautiful children. You are so so close now – fingers crossed WA come up with that accommodation. Don’t forget to copy important documents and redirect your post to a friends house if you can. Please let me know how you get on xxx

[Tuppance]

Food shopping was always a big deal at mine too. We would plan the following weeks meals, all around what HE thought we should eat. I shopped in my own and would get comments on buying supermarket own brand stuff or if I bought some cakes as a treat. The meals were all sorted for the week so god forbid I changed it – what a sulk he went into and feeling like an outsider. Since I have been trying to separate I don’t plan the meals now and shop adhoc for stuff. He still needs to know in the morning what we are having but I don’t care now. He has what I am doing – sod him. Xx

[Tuppance]

Hi Lilycat. I am not sure how much I can put on here properly without being recognised so sorry if it reads a bit cryptic. My husband and I had our joint interest, started from scratch, for more than two decades. It was great and a real family feel to it. We sold it in the end but still ran it. That was when I crashed my own aeroplane, so to speak. It was great whilst I was the captain, making logical and rational decisions but when I became a member of the cabin crew I hated suddenly being part of a fundamentally profit based corporation to whom everybody was just a number. I gradually worked my hours down, taking advantage of the right to request part time working hours. I finally left for good but as we had other interests my time was quite full. Since becoming ill I have stopped altogether and whilst I need this uncomplicated time ( my brain is frazzled ) I miss being part of something where I could express my own identity ( he had no control of me in later working hours ). I have time now to notice the terrible things going in in this world and feel I have a chance to make a difference. I am not sure how yet – I read a little ( still find that hard to concentrate ) of current affairs, global social mayhem and the shocking lives some people are forced to live and I am determined to leave my own little footprint somewhere where I can make a difference and give my life a purpose. I don’t know what it is I want to do but how I will know it when comes along – that then that means I must be ready. Until then I am coping, just, trying to work on my exit, existing but dying a little each week that goes by, I try to be a good person, do a good dead each day, pay it forward, just like the film. Take some time out, for yourself, and start a journey of self discovery – then you may find something that fulfills you emotionally and spiritually – something you enjoy and can be true to your real nature. Good luck xxx

[Author]

Posts