[Chihiro]

I got away from a very bad situation a few years ago. It was messy and a long road but I survived, moved on, went through a lot of therapy and have come out the other side. I’m now happily married as of last year, and really thought I had finally healed.

At the weekend I found out that he was cheating on me while we were together.

At first, I was fine. Now it has settled in, I realise it has knocked me back. I also found out that he is cheating on his current partner.

I really want to tell her, and help her get out, but I know I cannot get involved. I really found it hard to heal, thinking that I had given up on us, longing for him and the good times. N**********c abusers are very good at this type of addiction and manipulation. I want to confront him, let him know that I know. I also know that I can’t do this. I wrote a letter to him which I will never send but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m so desperate to do something, but hate the fact that he has any control over me and my emotions still, having put in so much work to heal (not that that has all gone, I am in a very healthy space now days). I’m just frustrated and confused at my reaction (that I reacted at all). Time’s a healer, and in some aspect, his infidelity set me free. Cold hard facts that I wasn’t the crazy one, and it was right to leave (all the other abuse aside).

How can I process this?

[MissIndependant]

After months/years of searching the internet I am so pleased I have finally come across this forum. After reading some of your posts I realise I am not alone and I couldn’t believe how some reflect my own experience. I contacted Women’s Aid a few months back and they were really helpful. I’ve received counselling through work however still finding it difficult to cope and often feel tearful.
My son and myself left our family home last year for our own sanity (my daughter is still at uni). My partner of decades has become an alcoholic and has verbally and emotionally abused me for years not always due to alcohol although it took me a long time to realise it wasn’t me. In the early days I would chase after him and apologise after he fell out with me often for no particular reason, I should have seen the red flags then. (detail removed by moderator). When he lost his job he just expected me to be ok with it.
As a result, I moved out for a week to my parents last year hoping he would get some help for his addiction. He was so drunk I don’t think he even realised I had left!
(detail removed by moderator)
My ex has anlways had obsessive jealously problem about my past boyfriends, wanting to know every intimate detail and feeling that he isn’t good enough. I’ve told whites lies to escape the backlash and just to please him yet he still interrogated me most days, he says our breakup is all my fault because I lied for so many years. There are things I’ve denied and then things I can’t remember I’ve said so he holds it against me, I felt so anxious and that I couldn’t backtrack on what I’d said as he would continuously call me a liar, he has accused me of sleeping with blokes behind his back including his friend. It’s never happened and I have been the most loyal partner, yet to him I am still a lying B@&*h and C&@t.
Yet he was texting woman behind my back, met up with his ex, browsing on dating websites but said it’s ok because he never slept with them. Such a hypocrite.
Since I left he has continued to harass me by text and stalks me (detail removed by moderator) and trying to put the dampers on it. I block him and then keep unblocking him because I want to keep the evidence, yet it is ruining my life. We are yet to sort out the house so I still have ties with him but he has no intention of moving out. One minute slagging me off making accusations and the next pleading for me to come back, making me feel guilty for leaving him on his own. Even saying he will die without my help or he may as well not be here. I feel sorry for him and I don’t want him to be alone but I have to remember the way he has and continues to treat me. I have forgiven him too many times.
My children are so supportive and have put up with a lot growing up and so are my family (detail removed by moderator)
I would really love to hear your perspective on this and get some advice on what I should do next or how you have coped in a similar situation. I am so torn as to whether I should report him to the police and as to how I can move on, silly I know but I don’t want to get him into trouble. However, I know I can never go back and I just want a peaceful life.

[Reallyconfused]

I understand completely. They know we don’t want their anger and shouting so it’s a way of controlling us and keeping us quiet.
It’s a relief when there is no shouting or arguing but that should actually be normal.
It’s that peaceful period that messes with our heads and we think we’ve overreacted or that this is how relationships operate. We become hopeful and they become nasty again (their real self) and then we crave the nice bit of them again.
It’s like an emotional addiction.
It’s peaceful on their terms and they control the situation if they want an argument to get their way.
I didn’t understand that healthy relationships operate in very different ways , even when there are disagreements because no one wants to control the other person and there is genuine respect.
Take your time and take each day at a time.

[Sad and alone]

You aren’t useless at all, you just need some help from someone that actually cares about you. Is there anyone you can confide in? Not necessarily about his behaviour, I know how hard that would be, but about your concerns regarding your weight and comfort eating? Someone that could help you figure out a plan? Maybe a GP could point you in the right direction? Really feel for you. It’s hard enough dealing with abuse without having to try and overcome addiction as well.

[Bananaboat]

You know how when people give up smoking, they crave a cigarette even though they know it’s bad for them or tastes bad etc. Why – because their body is addicted. They also know the social cues like going outside for a f*g in the pub and having a chat – then struggle what to do with their hands or hate being stuck at the table instead. This is because of learned behaviour and muscle memory.

Same here – you body gets addicted to the chemicals released in the highs/lows. You know how to act or ‘behave’ when he’s around. By breaking up you’ve got to break the trauma bond, turn off the cognitive dissonance which is telling your brain it wasn’t that bad, detox the chemical addiction and learn new ways including who on earth we are & what we like doing. That’s A LOT and change is scary, so it’s no wonder that we crave the known, the preserved ‘safety’. That’s why learning about abuse, rereading journals/posts, revisiting photos of days out that weren’t so smiley behind the camera help to keep reminding your body and mind why you left. This stage is exhausting and you can feel your brain battling itself but it’s normal and does slow down / pass.

I saw a post online today that said something like ‘we don’t accept how bad things really were until we start reliving our story by telling others what happened’ and I thought yeah there’s truth in that x

[Allornothing]

Hi Bulbssprouting,

The emotions are a strange one, I suppose a lot of people break up as they have fallen out of love or there has been infidelity and there is an instance of anger. Oddly for us all, the love was there, we wanted these people to change and hoped that we could help them in some way. The word that does seem most fitting is grief and then there is the trauma bond. We have to grieve for the person we thought they were/could be but at the same time need to separate ourselves from them, put boundaries in place, seek legal advice and often have to involve the police, courts etc. Then from years of them consuming our brains, we are suddenly left with nothing to occupy us – they almost become like an addiction to us, we are on a constant rollercoaster and when it all stops suddenly we feel very alone in our own heads.

People that haven’t been through it won’t really understand, I throw myself at things to do – studying, decorating as I need a way to occupy my mind.

You have found the right place for support and others who understand. Sending you lots of love xx

[Bananaboat]

Well done!

Now you need to ignore those messages, I know it’s hard because we’ve been conditioned to reply but give yourself some space. You will wobble so read your journal if you have one or posts on here to remind you why you left. Watch or read about abuse, you’ve got to break the trauma bond which takes time and the body’s addiction to him/the highs and lows. And don’t forget this is a break up so it’s ok to be sad and grieve what could’ve been.

Most importantly rest. You are going to feel exhausted at some points. Write lists – some days you’ll do loads and others nothing so lists definitely help.

Wine – crack it open and enjoy a well deserved glass with those girlfriends xx

[Texas]

Hi,

You are going through exactly what I have been going through. The best I can describe it is waiting for a set of those old fashioned scales to settle. You’ll get times when one side is weighed down with anger at the treatment. Other times the other side will be weighed down with memories of the good times. They will go up and down for a while, but they will slowly settle into a realistic/balanced view. My best advice is sit with the feelings, keep journalling and perhaps seek some counselling if you are ready to.

These conflicting thoughts are completely normal, and it is also said there is a chemical thing in the brain as well that keeps you engaged with the good times, like an addiction. So as well as the break up you are also going cold turkey. So go easy on yourself, and make sure at the very least you are eating well, getting rest. Keep talking to friends and family even if it is only a quick text to say hi.

I thought the pain would never end but I am now nearly completely healed and using this time as an opportunity to rebuild my life into exactly what I want it to be.

You’ve got this x

[Bananaboat]

My ex used to say he had ADHD as a kid, used this to explain why he couldn’t remember birthdays or special occasions, why he drank and needed weed, why he’d have outbursts, why we all annoyed him etc…and for a while I used this diagnosis to justify his behaviour but as Lisa said, conditions don’t excuse abuse. Overtime I realised he was choosing to act this way, the condition whether real or not was being used as a cover. Once I accepted that his tactics changed to depression, or addiction, or stress or whatever he thought might work that week. Don’t know if that helps in anyway x

[Lisa]

Hello TiredZiggy,

I’m sure other users will be able to offer some insight on this subject and may have experience that they feel comfortable to share.

In the meantime, I just wanted to highlight the importance of noting that having a medical or mental health diagnosis, or suspected condition, does not excuse abusive behaviour. The abuser is responsible for their actions regardless of this, and a diagnosis should never be used to justify, minimise or excuse abuse.

We know that there are many individuals who live with mental health issues, addiction, previous trauma, disabilities etc. who do not abuse or hurt their partners, so this is not a justification.

It’s natural to want to understand and rationalise abuse when we are experiencing it, but this might be a useful factor to bear in mind.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Mumofcats
My family had intervention from an Early Help Social Worker – so it was voluntary – but it was the help that I needed at the time. She liaised between us and schools and also between the addiction centre where my ex was registered. She was the first person who pointed out to me that his behaviour was abusive and she clarified some of his inappropriate behaviour with the children. I know that it can be scary but generally they want to be supportive – and I literally cried when she closed the case – (as he was no longer living with us). I guess when we were referred I wanted to get him out – but didn’t know how to – having the social worker involved gave me confidence to do so x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I have posted before about my husband and his addiction

I am unwell both with mental and physical health problems

He never cares or admits I have these problems and always claims he’s worse and ignores me. Or says I complain too often.

He didn’t help me a little while back with a health problem I had to go private and pay on my credit card.

Recently he has assisted me going private to obtain medication.

He is making me very uncomfortable as he is wanting to share this medication

I’m feeling it’s a difficult situation as this may help me, but he hasn’t done this for me it’s for him.

I’m even reluctant to try this medication as although it’s legal for me, it is not legal for him. I have very good reasons and had to prove to doctors many things to get it. I worry as I’ve had a terrible experience with him and his usage over years. I feel he’ll deny further his addiction. That im being hypercritical and enabling him. But I also feel pressured.

My children believe it’s a good thing for me. But also see that dad is firstly helping himself.

I’m worried I will be vulnerable both physically and emotionally. That where I have not drunk or taken drugs he will now have some righteous reasoning for his using as I will be too that it is going to make things worse.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m trying to write this but it’s a tangled mess in my head.

We are facing one of the kids having some major treatment, can’t give details, but is in the coming weeks and we are all anxious about this.

My husband is gradually getting more and more difficult with his behaviour and I’m certain it’s because of what is happening and that he will make things harder for us all.

His manor to this child is aggressive, body language and his attitude and words. As all of the kids reach adulthood this has happened. They gradually become distant from him and don’t want to be around him.

His manor towards me is the same, but I’m numb I don’t notice it and when I do I quickly block it out. He was staring at me with such aggression but I didn’t see it. The kids did. He says he’s had enough of me because I don’t back him up with the kids. He is having tantrums about nothing because I speak up for myself now.

What worries me is I’ve live my entire life this way growing up in an abusive household and now my marriage is too.

So how can I change, how can I truly feel this abuse, how can I break away when I’m so normalised by it all.

There are times I think I can do it, want to do it, but the pull is so very strong with him. It is addiction, it feels that way.

How do you break the cycle, truly find the strength and get away. How do you think clearly long enough to keep going?

I don’t want this to be my forever and as the younger children are gradually getting older I’m fearing a repeat in his behaviour towards them.

I’m worried he’s going to let us all down during one of the most difficult times of our lives.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi nbumblebee I am sending you hugs as I know just how you feel, it is a complete blow after being happy and thinking that everything is maybe going to be okay, things seem to be getting better and it can feel like it’s the best it’s ever been. Unfortunately we both know it’s all part of the cycle, the chemistry, the addiction and them not changing and it’s all a game, a pretense.

I’ve just been through my nice phase, thinking things are better, getting hooked back by him then just as I’ve fallen back in the trap feeling as happy as ever, things are perfect just how I want them, guard is down, wallop there he is again.

How many times do we do this cycle? I’m not asking myself this anymore.

Just firstly look after yourself 🩷 then make plans even if you don’t carry them through. I know this is incredibly hard, something that frightens you. But it gives you options. Options, means you’re not trapped, stuck and you don’t have to live like this. Put yourself first, in control.

What frightens me is I’m not getting younger, I can’t bear the thought of depending on him if I got ill in my old age, being trapped with him then would be just awful. It is thoughts like this that make me want to move towards a better life and future.

Thinking of you CB X

[tiredofitall]

Honestly, you are not wrong. You are doing everything you can to make your marriage work whilst trying to stay sane. The problem is that he doesn’t seem like he is prepared to accept responsibility and without that you are trying on your own. He doesn’t believe that he is doing anything wrong. Even if he does listen, he’s not really listening. And you can tell that by his actions, regardless of the words that come out of his mouth. He should understand why you don’t want sex after you’ve had words but instead he behaves like a child when he can’t have what he wants. He hasn’t listened to anything you’ve said. He shouldn’t be spying on you – he should trust you. Its his insecurity. And its no wonder you are confused. Its very confusing – but that is what they do to us to stop us from leaving. Because its hard for us to face up to the truth when they convince us that THEY are the victim. I spent years and years doing everything I could, spending hours thinking of the ways i could help him get better, work through his problems, support his addictions. In the end, I could no longer deny that despite all that he said, he really didn’t believe that he was behaving in any way that needed to change. Even now, after he has lost everything, he still doesn’t see it. I see it on here a lot and it helped me get some clarity….watch what they do not what they say. Hugs to you xx

[lovesprollies]

I’ve had access to this forum for a while and read things periodically but as I’m awake unable to sleep I’ve finally took the plunge and decided to introduce myself and share my story.

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive, I managed to end the relationship but it’s been one hell of a journey getting to where I am today. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) since I was able to end the relationship, they got a job in another city and that was my break. Most people on here have left the place they lived with their abuser but in my situation they needed to leave because it’s my home not theirs. My ex was actually a good friend before we became romantically involved with each other which is what hurts so much – I lost a partner and a good friend which upsets me so much. They supported me in the loss of my (detail removed by Moderator) which is how we got so close but this was going to be the reason why I was pursued. What I thought was a friend supporting another friend in their time of need my ex actually took all the information about (detail removed by Moderator) and became exactly what I was longing for. Before this I never saw them in that light they were just my friend and not even a close one – regular friend who chatted now and again.

We ended up speaking all day every day, became besties and I ended up asking them if they’d want to take our friendship further as I started to get feelings. Things at the beginning were amazing but soon after the honeymoon period ended I realised the person I thought they were was in fact a complete lie. They hid their addictions from me and alcohol was one of the main reasons things got so abusive, drunken rages fuelled the physical abuse but what was more damaging was the psychological abuse which happened sober.

My ex would keep me awake for hours at a time, going round in circles until I agreed with their view/opinion/idea, as someone with multiple chronic illnesses I’d have to agree otherwise a flare up would happen. This cycle repeated constantly whenever I wasn’t being a “good partner” or something happened they didn’t like. Each day I didn’t know if the thing I did the day before was right or wrong. They would make me do all the household chores whilst portraying to people we knew they were the ultimate caring partner looking after their disabled girlfriend. Little did anyone know what happened at home. They took advantage of me financially, moving in without asking and then never contributing because their wages went on alcohol and drugs. Thankfully I’m established in my career and ran my own home before we were ever in a relationship. Maybe that’s why they picked me because it meant they could do what they wanted and there was always a stable home provided.

I’m autistic and have adhd which my ex would make me do things in public to humiliate me, they took advantage of my inability to read social cues or understanding of certain social norms. These events haunt me and I often have nightmares about them, it’s like my ex got a kick out of making me look stupid and upsetting me. I also have (detail removed by Moderator) as part of my autism which they would put me in incredibly stressful situations that left me so drained I was often in burnout. These events were really dangerous for me but not a lot of people knew I was autistic as they forbade me to share with our new friends. They could only know of my physical disabilities because in their eyes “(detail removed by Moderator)” (that’s the nice way of putting it they often referred to me as a r****d or a s***tic if I brought up my neurodivergence.

It got to a point where I became bedbound because the abuse was taking that much of a toll on my body, my ex would leave me to rot in the bed not helping me with basic human needs whilst telling others how they loved caring for me and wanted to possibly switch careers to do it for more people. They used their religion to manipulate people into thinking they were a great person all whilst doing the opposite of their faiths requirements (drinking, drugs, gambling, cheating) I thought this person was amazing because of the charity work they did (turns out they didn’t) going to the (detail removed by Moderator) with family and teaching me about the (detail removed by Moderator) and the history of (detail removed by Moderator) culture. I went to a (detail removed by Moderator) school and whilst I’m not practicing it was interesting to learn their heritage and religion but it was all used against me in the end. They were superior, they were above me and I was nothing. Left to rot in bed nearly soiling myself on many occasions because they wouldn’t help me. “(detail removed by Moderator)” was often told to me.

This was my life for so long I lost touch with my family and friends, I didn’t see anyone apart from those I worked with but I couldn’t tell anyone. People could see something was wrong but couldn’t pin what it was. Finally when they got a new job and had to relocate I took my chance to remove my ex from my life. I felt such relief being free from this monster and I’ve been able to manage my health conditions much better since the breakup. My only issue now is the fact I’ve now got to process all that I’ve been though and that’s causing me to be a prisoner in my own home. I’ve stopped socialising, struggle to go to the office, and even communicate with people all together. I don’t understand how I’m almost regressing even though my ex is not in my life anymore. I’ve cut all contact however they still try and get my attention by sending parcels periodically. This freaks me out when it happens but I’ve stayed strong and not broken my no contact. They make me so mad and I have racing thoughts about the events that happened over our relationship, things I’d want to say if I had the chance, things I’d do if I was well enough, and so much more. I hate how it’s on my mind all the time then when I’m sleeping I’m having nightmares about my ex it’s like I cannot escape it. I can only hope in time my brain can process it all and I’ll be able to move forward.

If you get to the end of my post thank you so much for taking the time to read everything, this felt good getting everything out and sharing what’s happened to me. Maybe now I can tell people in person more information other than they weren’t nice to me or that they controlled me. It’s so hard speaking up but this forum has been a saving grace as I’ve read others posts and finally been confident enough to post myself.

Thank you again for reading my post.

[Sunnierdays]

Hi,
I’ve experienced this too. I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) following emotional and verbal abuse over a number of years and since then he has gone through periods of bombarding me with abusive messages, often up to 15 at a time without any response from me while I’m at work or late at night. I’ll often look at my phone on a morning and find that he’s sent me messages overnight suggesting he was going to harm himself or making other threats.
It’s absolutely draining. I often switch off notifications so that I don’t see them straight away and I choose to read them later or when I’m feeling stronger. We still have a jointly owned property and young adult children so I don’t feel I can cut him off completely yet although friends have told me that is what I should do.

I agree that there will be a trauma bond there, almost an addiction to reading these messages. I feel it myself and although I get stressed when I’m receiving them, when he goes quiet I’m looking out for new ones arriving. It’s bizarre, but when you read up on it, it is a normal response. We’ve been conditioned not to ignore them and to put their needs before our own.

I would respond only when you have to. Not every message requires a response and often the response just gives them the chance to engage and continue the abuse.

It’s hard to hold boundaries and I really struggle with this myself but only by doing so can we start to rebuild and move forward xx

[Onlygirlintheworld]

Im sorry if I posted this in the wrong thread!
(detail removed by Moderator) years ago, for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years, I was in an emotionally, sexually and financially abusive relationship. Only my mum knew the truth (my dad was a domestic abuser) and I call it a “toxic” relationship when I talk about it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I know other people have it worse than I do.

He would accuse me of cheating on him when I left the flat. He’d call me probably 200 times a day, demanding to know where I was and who I was with. If I didn’t answer, he’d come to find me. I worked in (detail removed by Moderator) at the time, and some days, he’d turn up and sit there all day, just to make sure I was there. If a male customer talked to me, he’d get angry and accuse us of having an affair. Eventually, I got sacked as the owner got so fed up with him. He took it as a victory and just wanted me to sit in the flat with him all day, every day where he could keep an eye on me.

But he hated it when I made plans for us. Bed accuse me of manipulation and for ruling his life for him. He went out, but he’d lock me in the flat so I couldn’t leave. He’d take my phone with him.

He isolated me from my family and friends. He’d force me to choose between him and them.

He also had addiction issues. So he’d gamble and take drugs when I was out. And then blame me for abandoning him so it was my fault that he took drugs or gambled his money away.

He would steal money from me or tell me that I had to give him money otherwise he would leave me or threaten to commit suicide.

He would force himself on me, sexually. I’d wake up and find him having sex with me. He told me that if I !over him, I’d have sex with him when he wanted.
One time, I had to have surgery on (detail removed by Moderator), and I couldn’t have sex for (detail removed by Moderator). The first night, he forced himself onto me, and because it was so painful and I cried, he went out and slept with another girl (detail removed by Moderator), as sex with me wasn’t good for him!
He was also rough, and refused to wear condoms and, I couldn’t take the pill as that was a sign that I was cheating on him. He would come to GP appointments with me to make sure I wasn’t taking any kind of birth control.

I’ve got mental health issues and he would regularly call me a psycho. He once announced, at a party in front of his friends, that I should be locked up in a mental health asylum as (detail removed by Moderator). That was near the end of the relationship, and I was so unhappy.

He slept with (detail removed by Moderator) girls, regularly, and got one pregnant. He would always tell me that she was better than me, as she had his baby. I didn’t (I had a miscarriage during our relationship too, and he blamed me for doing it on purpose)

He’d tell me what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, when I could leave the house, where i was allowed to go. Who I was allowed to talk to. When we went out, he would flirt with other girls in front of me and then !ist all of the reasons why they were better than me.
They were prettier/ thinner/ funnier.

When I tried to stand up for myself or leave, he would storm out of the flat and then text or ring me, saying that he was going to a popular suicide spit in out area and commit suicide. (He said he couldn’t live without me or I was an awful person as I was driving him to do that) and he’d switch his phone off, and go missing for days on end. His friends would deny knowing where he was. Then he’d turn up, deny he said any of those things and tell me that I was the one that threatened to kill myself if he didn’t come back. His friends would always back him up and agree that I said that. I know that it was gaslighting now, but I started to believe that i was the problem as my mental health was so bad.

He’d yell at me and throw things at me regularly, too. He didn’t psychically hit me but he pushed me and punch walls and I was scared that he would hit me. He had a short fuse and he did beat up men that talked to me. On (detail removed by Moderator) occasions, on nights out. He beat up men who talked to me. I hated it. But it was my fault. I made him do it.

Even typing those things, Im feeling that it’s my fault he did those things. That what he did isn’t so bad, which I know is ridiculous. I know that he is the problem, but there’s always that little voice saying I’m over exaggerating and it’s normal for a partner to do that.

When things were good, they were really good. He started off as a loving, supportive partner but it wasn’t !ong before he became toxic. But by that point, I’d convinced myself that I was the problem.
And, he ended things. He went to the other end of the country (detail removed by Moderator).

Anyway, the reason why I posted this today was I now work in (detail removed by Moderator). I love it. But (detail removed by Moderator), I met a client and when I was explaining to her my mental health diagnosis (I have (detail removed by Moderator)) and she just replied “(detail removed by Moderator)” And that brought back everything that my ex said and I spent last night convincing myself I was the problem in that relationship.

Since it ended, I have done a !ot of work on myself and my mental health is in a very good place. I just want to add I was never manipulative or violent, I self harmed. I internalised everything and he knew my biggest insecurity was being abandoned (my dad went to prison and commited suicide when I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old) so he would flaunt his affairs and flirt with other women in front of me and threaten to leave.

And because I have this condition, I feel that I deserve to be treated that way. That’s how I felt for so long and I am scared you are going to read it and agree that he was right to treat me this way. That’s probably why I haven’t told people!e the entire truth of what happened. I’m scared everyone will blame me and think I deserve it.

I just don’t know how to get past what happened. Everything else is really good. I’m in a much happier, healthier relationship with a loving guy. I am helping other people and I have !it’s of good, supportive friends, but this thing from my past is my triggers and I feel that I can’t get past it as like I said, I feel I deserve it. So I feel stuck.

I’m sorry. I feel I have rambled on. I guess I just hope writing this on here might give me a !title bit of closure or even some suggestions on how I can get closure.

Thanks for reading this.

[cvc2024]

I am currently trying to separate from my husband. I have tried to stay civil and keep the children shielded from any upset but it has come to the point they are now asking questions.
I wanted to tell the children it was a mutual decision to split and nobody is too blame but he said he will not go along with that as he does not want to split and he can’t lie to the children.
For context he has a drug addiction and struggles with his mental health, all abuse has been emotional and very subtle, although now he is saying he recognises what he has done wrong (gaslighting/ checking my devices/ accusing me of being with someone else) and so can fix it but for me it’s all too much.
He said he has made a mistake and is willing to try anything to put it right but I am still leaving him which I think is what he will say to the children if asked.
What can i say to the children without ‘throwing him under the bus’???
Help please I don’t want the children to hate their Dad but also am not prepared to take the blame alone.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi Bananaboat

I know you’re completely right. It’s never going to be ok. It’s mind games and keeping me on my toes.

It’s ok for a bit and then this. The cycle.

He was with his family today and I made myself look bad as I was upset I couldn’t face them, couldn’t say hello, I felt sick to the stomach. I’m sure they all talked about how rude I am, nothing new. He won’t ever stick up for me or explain we’ve had a disagreement. I have thought that it just helps him to have reassurance he’s in the right I’m wrong, flying monkeys? Is that the right term? But they’ll all say how bad he must have it. His mum is a n********t for certain.

He knows for now I need him as something big is happening with one of the children we should be supporting each other. He will do what he always has and make my head spin, say I’m not doing enough or getting it wrong and it’s him that’s doing everything to help with a difficult situation. It breaks my heart 💔

We have a long journey I need him to drive and past experience is just this. It’s the build up to it the stressful day we’re facing. The silence in the car as he drives us to and from where we need to go. (And then sometimes I imagine all this will happen, brace myself and he’s amazing and supportive. Then I doubt myself and think I’m imagining it all)

And yes next weekend will be better, you’re also right about that, I do try to convince myself and sometimes it is, but you never know, we went months when it was better, not perfect but not like this,because he was clean from weed and booze, then he has been back doing it heavily and now he is using less his mood is worse.

I’m definitely experiencing the highs the lows the addiction I feel it. I know what’s happening but don’t feel I’m in control at the moment. I’m presuming that’s what happens in this part of the cycle.

Thanks for understanding and helping me figure this out some more x

[HaPea]

I’ve been having a difficult couple of days. My OH just seems oblivious to how his behaviour is triggering and causing issues. His words never match his actions. He never turned up at home to do a job he was meant to. He started ignoring all calls after telling me he would be there. Then when he finally decides to come home he smells of the drink again. So long story short as this may get redacted he does the same thing in the evening. Goes walkabouts tells me one thing does another. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall because why doesn’t he see the issues with his history of cheating and addiction. Fast forward a bit more and he goes to collect his car. I’d warned him earlier not to because I thought he had been drinking. So I call the police as a concern for his MH and potentially being a danger to others. Well he’s just come home and (removed by moderator). Now I’m just incredulous that he thinks I tried to get him arrested. No I was listening to my conscience he’s not a sound individual. But I’m always the bad guy never him and he never gets any consequences for his behaviour.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Rainydays,

My heart goes out to you having been on the receiving end of his demonic behaviour. I remember clearly when my sibling behaved similarly to me, smashing a hole in the wall, the screaming and the cursing at me while my mother joined in. It was a horrific experience, although the anger I felt after helped me to stay away from them for (detail removed by Moderator) which was great as he was in addiction and I didn’t have to deal with his chaos or behaviour after that, (other people did though because they never change). Remember the 3’C’s. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Change it. The only one who can change is you.

I remember being frozen when I was with my ex husband and didn’t want to leave as I had many children and I knew they would stay with him. But I got myself plenty of support. Which you have done by posting on here. Please keep posting. His relentless pressure on you to cash in your pension and sleep with other men is soul destroying. My ex relentlessly pressurised me too with different demand and kept it up as I wouldn’t give into his demands and that pressure is awful. From my experiences I would say keep reaching out for support. Can you ring the chat-line on here. Lean on their strength and experience. He has you terrorised with his threats. I remember being terrified to act, to change things, to even call the police. Could you tell your GP. Is there a rape crisis phone line that you could ring,they might help you with his coercion to have sex with other men. Tell as many supports as you can. Keep speaking out. I went to the Police week after week to just tell them about his threats and they would document them and reassure me he couldn’t carry these threats out. I didn’t want the Police to get involved directly with him I was too scared at that time but it helped to go to them after each aggressive incident of his behaviour and get them logged as I felt I was at least doing some action. If you can’t just leave immediately could you decide to at least go through the things you own with a view to if you ever did decide to get a new tenancy without him. Visualise how to pack up your clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments and photos. That’s all you own. You need to be away from him, with your possessions with a different roof over your head. I found it very helpful to visualise this. Keep posting💜.

[Lovejoypeace]

Hello, this is my first time reaching out. I’ll summaries as best I can. My husband left (detail removed by Moderator). I caught him out in another lie and he left our home.
He messaged friends implying he was going to end his life they then rang me and I called the police. Who confirmed they had no cause for concern. I had my small children with me so this was difficult. I remained strong and he didn’t come home to my house. He messaged me at the time to say he’s started counselling to help with his addiction do the 12 steps and support for grief etc.
It’s quite a long story he became verbally abusive when my first daughter was (detail removed by Moderator) old he then started to take substances was very Ill and nearly died which caused me to let him back in with the promise he’d get the right support for his addiction.
That didn’t happen he’d make excuses why he was acting funny trying to hide any addiction. Tbh I think he was also not being honest to himself that he had an addiction.
We’d have periods of time where he was fine months in fact then out of the blue he’d be horrible, shout smash things etc.
fast forward a few years and I finally managed to get him to leave his verbal abuse got really bad, financial control and he became physical.
He’s trying really hard to want us to be together he’s not living with us but thinks If he does the counselling and freedom project things will go back to normal. He’s trying to move back in and it’s only been (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. He’s saying that now he’s been honest with me and himself about the addiction a huge weight has been lifted. He also felt like I didn’t love him anymore and that was why he was becoming frustrated etc.
he’s telling me he wants to make me feel emotionally safe around him like before his addiction but due to me having ptsd and severe anxiety he also was ruining my work by making me late and walking out while I was working along with a list of other things. I worked with a psychologist (detail removed by Moderator) which really helped to get me to this point. The pain of separating has been much harder than I anticipated and he’s been so intense with the love bombing.
I wondered if anyone else has experience this he’s telling me all I wanted to hear before but I can’t forget how he’s treated me. Also my children and I are so much calmer without all the drama same with our little dog. The impact without him has been huge he says though he hated the drama too and that will stop. He really doesn’t understand the pain caused to expect to be one big happy family after years of putting me down.
I’m getting support from (detail removed by Moderator) but Just needed help with how to manage him safely atm. I’m putting boundaries in a little at a time to test his reactions to keep us safe.
Thank you for getting this far much love xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi tiredofitall, Pretty much same story here, except he swaps addictions or goes cold turkey for a while. Presently back to relying on weed and drinking 3-4 cans a night.

Wakes up and he’s depressed it’s so hard dealing with his negativity. He hates the neighbours, moans that the house needs tidying again (I’ve begged him not to mention it as it is a trigger he’s been very nasty in the past about it all) he’s miserable.

I try to be nice, I have more recent years distanced myself from him when he’s like this, but have tried to support him with kindness but it works for a short time until I’m the target of his frustration. Today I’m in between and wonder if I will ever have that kindness in me again.

Reading a book at the moment which explains how we are conditioned through our lives to conform or perform in a way that meets others needs and suppresses our true selves, our ability, our creativity, how we socialise, parent, care for others, love ourselves and general existence.

It definitely applies to any of us in toxic or abusive relationships or situations.

I’m keeping my distance today and on guard for the kids until he’s had a smoke which he can’t as he’s visiting relatives first. What an existence.

CB x

[Happybelle]

Oh my goodness I feel for you. I am in exactly the same boat, plus mine has addictions as well and finds ways to extort money from me after I have said no to things. It feels awful to feel this way about someone you care/cared for so much, however when it starts to cost us our own well-being , health and ultimately quality of life then we have to act to protect ourselves. Right here with you. Mines got to go, even if he’s suffering. At times he has acknowledged his life’s a mess because of the choices he has made in life. I’m working on coaching myself around it’s ok to let go…. But that’s very hard.

[Runforthehills]

I have been documenting my husbands emotional abusive and corrosive control for 1.5 years now. I started when it because a realisation that this can’t be normal and it was getting worse. (detail removed by Moderator).
I went to the police about it a couple of weeks ago, but ended up leaving to write my statement myself (detail removed by Moderator). So Iv written the statement and sent it, but now need to go to station to sign it (detail removed by Moderator).
It’s been weeks as Iv not been free when the officer has been on duty and in that time I have been back and forth about this and it’s causing me a great deal of mental anguish. We haven’t been talking unless absolutely necessary and he’s been shutting me away from the children, manipulating them. But I hear him play with the kids and they’re all laughing and joking and the kids are so excited for Christmas. And I’m there thinking, am I going to ruin my family? Like he said everytime I wanted to leave that I’d be ‘ruining the children’s lives’ if I ever left him.
If he gets convicted that means he might lose his job, he will have to live with his parents who live several hundred miles away and so the kids will hardly see him.
I see/read others who have finally left and not involved police and I was thinking am I just weak? Should I have just got the kids and left? I just didn’t want to disrupt my children’s lives more so than it’s going to be with this divorce. He is not going to leave or make this easy at all. He also has substance addiction and he doesn’t even think he has a problem and it’s been a common thread in many issues with him and he won’t accept any help, so I also got social services involved- because I was left with no choice. I went to his parents many times for help and they think it’s my responsibility ‘as his wife’ to help him and that I should ‘grow up’. After that conversation I just broke down which made me call the police.
Lots of agencies are now involved and I can’t take it back, I know i shouldn’t anyway but it’s causing me a great deal of pain thinking of all sorts of extreme scenarios about what might happen.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I read the Lindy Bancroft why does he do that some years ago now. Recommend by the lovely ladies in this forum. St this time I knew things weren’t right but I couldn’t identify with the book or acknowledge it was really abuse.

I pick the book up several times between then and now. And now I read it and I relate to it so much. I’ve been through the many cycles over and over again, some short lived others stretching over months each cycle can be different, tactics change but ultimately it’s the same thing over and over. He disrespects me and does not know how to love someone and there’s no consistency. He loves me when it feels good for him to love me and comfort me. It gives his ego a boost that he can feel good that he’s a great friend, lover, husband.

I’m not comfortable with him. I’ve only just realised that. The happy times are highs, then there’s the lows, I see the addiction and I see the craving is from my need for love due to my childhood and that I have chosen him as it is comfortable it’s like the relationship I had with my dad (not in a sexual way my dad did not abuse me this way) but him being unavailable but then suddenly showering me with attention it’s all I’ve known.

I realise how much control he has and it’s getting worse.

I realise my health is somewhat affected just by being with him, I shake, palpitations and more. I know I must tell my GP and I will. I have the physical symptoms of an abused person and I also have CPTSD my husband knows this and ignores it, he does not know why I have it.

When he leaves, when I’ve tried to separate he never leaves me alone. He lets himself in, to see kids, get belongings and gradually starts to charm me. I know this was his tactics and I see it all now. A normal person would’ve wanted to chat to find out what was wrong, why I wanted to separate. We could’ve talked if things were normal. He resents me for all of this, he blames my hormones or I’m crazy it’s not him. He manipulated his way back home last time.

Since he has threatened to break up with me several times, it’s payback. He just thinks I did it in spite that’s it.

He’s drinking and smoking again. It will stop again, things will get worse when he stops then it’ll get better.

Christmas is going to be hard.

I had the house to myself earlier and I felt for the first time in a long time relaxed, it felt good. Then I thought about him catching me sitting down relaxing and I was anxious. It shouldn’t be this way.

[LookingUp]

Hi tryingtosleep, thank you for responding. My IDVA was not very helpful, and I can’t afford a non molestation order. I’ve been having talking therapy, which I pay for privately, for months, but it’s not really helping. I have been referred for EMDR but I can’t have that until I have him 100% out of my life.

I just feel stuck on a hamster wheel of stress, anxiety, fear and just want it all to stop and go away! But I know it will take time, and breaking the addiction and freeing myself from him is the first step. Although sadly, its not as simple as just blocking them is it, they find other means to get to you.

Day by day and trying to be kind to myself is the approach I’m taking for now.

Take care x

[HaPea]

I’m really struggling with the OH. He has his addictions and he’s been drink driving again. He was messaging prostitutes lying to me telling me he was coming home while trying to arrange overnight visits with other women. When I found out all the messages are a cross between disgusting and romantic and it hurts because the nice bits are things he has never in our entire relationship messaged me or said. It was like this the last time he had an affair too. He’s never been romantic to me but can dish it out to multiple other women if they’re half undressed. I want to leave but he is stubborn and won’t leave/sell the house. I can’t afford legal help. And his family keep telling me to take him in don’t let him sleep rough because he’s vulnerable. Yet I’m expected to take the constant emotional abuse. 😭

[lover of no contact]

Hi Mamabrave,

I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. I attend phone-in Al Anon meetings. I used to attend face to face Al- Anon meetings before COVID but I find the phone-in meetings very handy. Many people I know attend the zoom Al Anon meetings. There are ones you can attend in the UK or all over the world day or night. Google for a list of the meetings.I also touch base with this Forum very regularly. One of my close family members is in active addiction. I can’t change him but I get help for myself. I initially thought my ex-husband was an alcoholic due to his drinking, and abusive behaviour but he’s an abuser full stop, w
ho happens to drink but at least me thinking he was an alcoholic got me to many Al Anon meetings and they are a fantastic support. My experience would be living and dealing with these behaviours whether they are alcoholic or abuser is too much for us on our own. These support groups are life-saving and it helps our little ones as well. Us being supported is the way to help our little ones. Alcoholism and abusive behaviours are cunning, baffling and powerful. Gather as many supports around you as you can. You will learn from others experience, strength and hope.