Bettertimesahead

[Bettertimesahead]

Bluebirds, this was my fear too and unfortunately he did post on social media. But if I’m honest the support I got from people and the fact he’d shown other people exactly what he was like made it bearable. He was arrested , got a minimal punishment from the court which made me so angry, but now I feel he’s done his worst and I’ve come through it.

[Bettertimesahead]

I could have written these stories. He would expect me to be naked the minute house was empty, bought books for me to pose , tacky awful clothes and would continually take photos. Got stroppy if I didn’t want sex . Wanted it outside. I feel sick now thinking of some of the things I did to keep the peace. One of the first things I did after he was arrested was bag all the clothes etc he’d bought and binned them. I repainted the bedroom and got a new bed. Still struggle at times and not sure will ever get a new relationship but now I can shower in peace , choose my own clothes and get up early instead of having to do sex

[Bettertimesahead]

Sex was massive issue with my ex, wanted it everyday, expected me naked every time house was empty, stropped if I got up before him even though he’d drink heavily before bed so didn’t get up early.He also obsessed and went through stages of collecting stuff and would order ridiculous amounts of cheap tacky clothes for me to wear. Just writing this makes me feel sick as I’d forgotten how awful it was. I’m much stronger now but still struggle at times and get angry at myself for putting up with things for so long.
Need to get the financial stuff sorted so the last connection is cut and I can finally start to heal.

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex drank every night and then escalated to in the day. He made token efforts to cut down but it was all show. Adult kids knew and I finally asked him to leave when I got a call to say he’d been drinking all day and verbally aggressive to them. I’d been embarrassed and covered up his drinking for years. After he’d left he was sectioned and detoxed, started drinking again as soon as he was out. When he first left I used to say if he gets sober for a year maybe we can sort things but then gradually the realisation of coercive control and sexual abuse , and offences against me made me file for divorce. Still not sorted finances but despite the hell of the past years I know now it was the right decision. Too many broken promises,disrespect, I can see it now but then it was the normal. You may be surprised how many people realise he has a problem , and remember his drinking is his issue not yours. Take care xx

[Bettertimesahead]

When he first went I thought I’ll wait a year , he will get help. We can talk and he will be sober. In that year he committed (detail removed by Moderator) more offences against me and my adult kids. After the (detail removed by Moderator) one I emailed my solicitor and said start divorce proceedings. Had decree nisi done. It still felt too soon . He then went on to commit a (detail removed by Moderator) offence and I was done. It’s difficult and took me months to block him but I’ve never once regretted it. He still continues with his vile behaviour and still not accepted he’s lost control of me . Hopefully this year I’ll get financial resolution and the last connection is cut . Take care xx

[Bettertimesahead]

I so get this. Over 3 years and numerous criminal and family court hearings and still not got to the end. Scared as my restraining order ends soon and potentially he could come back to the house as we have not sorted finances yet.(detail removed by moderator) I hadn’t been on here for months and thought I was coping but today I am just scared and tired. And angry that people see me and think everything is sorted and I’m all fine and I’m not. I’m sad, and I’m scared and tired of courts and solicitors and of being in limbo. I do stuff because I should but I could easily just hide away. I’m lonely and I’m selfish as I resent other people’s lives. Just want closure

[Bettertimesahead]

The ncdv came help you get an urgent non molestation and occupation order. My ex was arrested at our house and they were so helpful

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine would say things like he would leave me tied up in bed and just come and have sex when he wanted. He even mentioned sex if I was dead. After we’d split he texted about meeting in a layby or going on one last holiday together. Sick

[Bettertimesahead]

I was in a similar situation with my ex few years ago. As time went on and I didn’t back down his true colours really came out. Made me realise that my pity was misplaced, his choices had put him out on the street , not mine. It’s still not easy but never regret reporting. I did every time he broke conditions. In all the texts and messages he never once acknowledged his actions , apologised or showed remorse. It will get easier, stay strong

[Bettertimesahead]

To start healing you need to be no contact. Need to block him on everything, phone, social media, email. It’s hard but it’s so important. Until you do he’s still got control and still trying to manipulate you. Have you had support or counseling?

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex was alcoholic too. I stayed way too long. Took me about (detail removed by Moderator) after we separated before I could block him on the phone, longer on social media. But I did and it made it easier.
No contact now except via solicitors. Even that’s difficult for me but his responses show he hadn’t changed, still same ideas of entitlement, playing the victim etc.
Alcohol is is horrible but my ex chose not to accept help and chose it over us.
You will get to a stage where it’s easier. Take care

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine did it too. Would swear he’d not been drinking but would reek of it. Got all defensive if I called him out on it. Said I knew he drank when I married him. Yes but a couple of pints a weekend , not to oblivion every night! Then blamed me for nagging when he was so wonderful for cutting down his alcohol. Load of tosh, was drinking more than ever.
Since he left he’s used every excuse and reason to explain his behaviour and to show how it’s not his fault.
Except it is!

[Bettertimesahead]

I did a statement over the phone on a booked timeslot. Within 24hrs or so they emailed the statement to me in the correct format for court. They gave me an email address for court and what to put in email. The address they gave was wrong court but I got the correct one. The initial orders were granted then I had to get papers served on him. That bit was tricky. Had to fill in bailiff risk assessment form too. (detail removed by Moderator) That’s when I paid a private company who were very efficient. They physically served the papers, emailed me evidence which I sent to court. At next hearing I was granted the orders for (detail removed by Moderator). I renewed them myself via court, similar process and they were granted for (detail removed by Moderator). Renewal form on government website. I now have a court issued restraining order.
(detail removed by Moderator) They were virtual but judge said I could leave camera off.

[Bettertimesahead]

I didn’t get charged at all. They will only do initial one I believe, not a renewal but I’m sure I didn’t get charged. The website states it’s free for an emergency order? To be honest it was all a blur as police referred me and it was the first time I actually clicked what had been happening

[Bettertimesahead]

NCDV will support I helping you write a statement for a non moland occupation order. I was referred to them by police. It was in (detail removed by moderator) . I did a statement with ncdv over phone, they worded it for me , emailed it and told me how to submit to court.
Mine were granted as urgent then reviewed at a virtual hearing 6 weeks later. The orders do have to be served . The court has bailiffs but I paid a private firm due to backlog in court.it was £120
To renew I did myself , it’s a shorter form and I based it on my previous statement.The judge that granted mine actually advised me to renew before it runs out as it’s easier

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine used to say he was cutting down, I accepted it for awhile , probably because I couldn’t face the truth or deal with the conflict. Then it became more obvious he wasn’t cutting down, in fact the drinking was escalating.
The final straw was him drinking (detail removed by moderator) and then denying it. I told him to go and we had (detail removed by moderator) of hell ending up with him being arrested.
It was not easy , he committed further offences , breached bail etc. Took all my strength to go total no contact. I’m divorced now but still not totally free as in process of sorting finances and he’s still trying to manipulate but I’m stronger now. I still have moments where he is in my head, took months for me to block him on social media etc but even with all the stress I’m still in a much better place

[Bettertimesahead]

I had (removed by moderator) months off work, my marriage ended v suddenly and with police involvement so matters were really taken out of my hands. I told work my marriage had been abusive and ended. I had good support and I was pleased they knew as there were more incidents. Ncdv helped me get a non molestation order. To mutual friends etc I was and still am to some extent careful what I said. Just said he’d made some very unfortunate life choices and we were separated.

[Bettertimesahead]

This sounds very similar. We had an episode like this and then things escalated. About 2 months after I asked him to leave . He did but came back and forth for (detail removed by Moderator) days until after final incident got the police involved. I had started like you getting stronger and not pandering to him. It’s hard when you start to realise how bad things had got.
You are doing the right thing and you and your children deserve to live a life not in fear

[Bettertimesahead]

Mine used to (detail removed by moderator) missed chances for sex etc
And the camera was ever present

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex was similar, brought awful weird tacky stuff for me to dress up in. Wanted sex / nakedness at every opportunity. It all went in a black sack almost the same day he went. Still feel sick at some of the stuff I did to keep the peace

[Bettertimesahead]

You have done a very brave thing and it’s the right thing for you and your children. Your children didn’t deserve to see you treated like that, you didn’t deserve it and you shouldn’t have to alter your behaviour to stop someone treating you badly. You wouldn’t treat a friend that way. Well done on doing things for you. It’s very hard but you can do this.

[Bettertimesahead]

This struck a chord. My ex was v similar. Stayed up drinking, I’d hear the same noise as you and I’ll lie there waiting. Took me ages to stop listening for it at night.
It does get easier. Unfortunately I’m back to waking early as we are in process of trying to sort finances and he is making everything as difficult as possible.
Acknowldege the trigger, breathe through it and focus on something else

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex would bring me tea or breakfast in bed so he could have sex.
He thought he was a superhero if he’d hoovered.
And to help me out he’d cook his own tea. Basically a messy fry up. And I’d still have to cook mine.
If he was in a mood because of something we’d done he’d drive like a lunatic.
Once when ny son was late getting out of (detail removed by Moderator) for a lift he grabbed the drink my son had bought and threw it out of car window
It’s only recently I have started to realise how much he did to them too

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi
In the months since my ex was removed he has claimed he had OCD, now apparently cured, autism – not sure if he still thinks that, and the latest is PTSD. Oh and he’s not alcoholic apparently, it’s controlled drinking …..

[Bettertimesahead]

Recently had my hair cut much shorter than normal, he would have hated it. And had lot of compliments too

[Bettertimesahead]

I feel you. Many months for me, still got financial stuff to sort. I’ve had good support,still under local charity. I feel like I’m failing. I seem ok, I get on with day to day life , I work. I smile and laugh. But inside I feel numb, angry sad. And I shouldn’t. I’ve been helped. But he still gets to me. Every solicitor email triggers me. Just had enough

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex did this all the time too. The camera was like a third party in our marriage. I hated it but he said he wouldn’t stop and I should be flattered. He wanted me to pose all the time and outside. It was the escalation of this that made alarm bells start ringing for me.

[Bettertimesahead]

Try reversing it. Does he make changes to his behaviour to make you happy? Would you treat him as he treats you?
Take care and put you first xx

[Bettertimesahead]

Absolutely abusive to both you and daughter. Shows no respect to you, clear red flags. Please contact women’s aid or similar.

[Bettertimesahead]

I wanted to come off a joint account . Initially bank said I couldn’t as needed his permission, however I told them I had no contact and a non mol order and they spoke to a higher department and sorted it. May be worth thinking about

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