browneyedmum

[browneyedmum]

I had a not so great chat with one of my children this morning too that has me feeling a bit low.

My child is too young to understand the dynamics under the surface between me and her dad calling it quits.

That child tries to interject themselves in on-going matters, which is not that child’s responsibility at all… and I need to do some more thinking about what to do when that child next does that, to just stop it in its tracks in an open and caring way (soliciting advice from you wise women, btw!)

At the end of the conversation though, I did let that child know that in any relationship or marriage, I should feel loved, I should feel respected, and I should feel safe and I have not had that from their dad in a very long time. That child was in agreement with that.

In fact, I came out to this forum and bookmarked this post to remind me:

https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/post-separation-use-of-children-as-weapons/

I hope it helps that you aren’t alone in feeling that way today xX.

[browneyedmum]

Block her with extreme prejudice and no regrets xX.

[browneyedmum]

Screenshot all the things and send it to police as threats against you are against the law. It’ll likely help insofar as contact later. xX.

[browneyedmum]

Hey hey, Lisa’s spot on.

Spoken as an Autistic woman who cares for nuerodiverse kids, you can be Autistic and be an asshole too. (detail removed by Moderator)

Not an excuse, rather an explanation. Your husband might have learned those behaviours from his up-bringing as back in the day, as an un-DX’d Autistic person. While I grew up un-DX’d my childhood and family life back then was pretty terrible, insofar as the lengths of what my parents did to ‘control’ me and trying to use ‘conventional’ parenting methods. When those failed, they resorted to measures that were increasingly abusive.

Again, not an excuse, but an explanation. Because ultimately, I still choose the way I act and re-act to things. At the end of the day, I am responsible for my actions.

The drumming of his hands reads to me like stimming, which many Autistic people do to try to relieve anxiety and stress.

The bazillion spreadsheets and counting every penny is a behaviour I share there too. Its a special interest / fixation of mine … to make sure that going forward, I have financial security and can support my kids. I hide money all over the place too. I grew up in poverty and I’m hyper-sensitive there. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Hitting his head against a wall reads to me again as a potential stimming issue, where he’s not stimming in “safe” ways. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Insofar as being aware of other’s emotions, while I do have deep empathy once I’m ‘clued in’ to what’s going on, I routinely miss the signs that other people expect me to pick up on. That adds to my social anxiety. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

I do tend to lose track of time, especially when I “get into the zone” or “get into the flow”. Sometimes, I might get some ‘spoons’ with which I have the energy and capacity to sort out a complex problem. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation.

Even though I’m now separated from my spouse (having to do with things that had nothing to do with my Autism), it wasn’t until I was treated by my ex as an Autistic person that our relationship improved. Certainly getting DX’d was very re-affirming there.

However… again… speaking as an Autistic woman, these are not excuses, but rather are explanations. Ask him to find ways of alleviating his need to stim. There are loads of strategies that can be used there.

Ask him to stop with the language, “verbal abuse”, encourage him to use words that won’t offend others. If he’s truly Autistic, he may have already done the work there … in repeating interactions in his head over and over, trying to get it “right”.

And let him stim, if he needs to stim.

Finally, also recognise that neurodiverse people can be assholes too. Or even worse… there is so much information on the internet about Autistic and ADHD features… I’ve often wondered if abusers take that on in order to continue their abuse. That scenario is horrific because it erodes trust in folks who are honestly Autistic.

All the above… might be an explanation, but not an excuse. At the end of the day, I can still choose my words and how I approach conflict xX.

[browneyedmum]

@Caledonia6 — this was from a couple of days ago, has anything improved?

Both my kids went through a terrible spells when their dad and I broke up.

One child would escalate things, much like your son threatened to. I found that it was because this child felt out of control with what was going on, so they were parrot’ing dad in order to gain some control over me.

The other child would go and do something awful and then… practically offer their electronic devices as that was standard discipline, after. I found that this child did not know how to contain their emotions under so much stress. I asked that child if it was all pre-meditated since electronics were so readily offered. That child said no… but that was largely the go-to for feeling safe again.

Both of these are two different reactions to learned behaviours from when their dad was here. So it takes a different approach for each of these.

In the first case, I found things that child could ‘control’, giving them some measure of autonomy and helping that child realise that I’m on their side, ultimately… that I wouldn’t ask that child to do something I wouldn’t do; that this child was still expected to do their chores and contribute to the household; so I gave that child flexibility on WHEN to do those chores. So long as they got done, or else there’s natural consequences… such as … the child gets disciplined at school for being tardy … not my doing… that child knows morning routine… and I can help but its not my responsibility, its theirs.

Second case, similarly, I enacted natural consequences. I just talked the child through what those natural consequences were and how I understood how when their dad was here, that’s how they ‘defended’ themselves from their dad. Anyhow, this child gets stuff done now as this child has more of a disposition towards not wanting to be a bother to anyone so long as the child clearly knows what’s expected.

Its not easy. Lean on school for support. Try to enact natural consequences rather than ‘fabricated’ ones, such as temporary loss of tech <– cuz that’s a ‘power’ move, rather than setting responsibilities for one’s actions where it needs to lay — try to take ‘power’ out of the equation as much as possible; there will be circumstances where that’s not easy. And that’s sometimes hard for children to learn when they’ve seen their dad behave in ways without consequences.

Thinking of you xX. You’re clever and you’ve got this.

[browneyedmum]

The kids are likely deeply ashamed of their dad. They’ll come to you eventually to discuss it. When they’re ready xX.

[browneyedmum]

Hey CB,

I know you’re prolly feeling especially vulnerable right now, but sharing your medication with him should be a hard no. xX.

[browneyedmum]

I have a friend who encouraged and supported me into going to get help, and now she’s ghosting me.

I’m hoping it is as she says, she’s needing to sort things out for herself right now and doesn’t have the bandwidth at present.

I’ll just wait it out, see what happens. xX.

[browneyedmum]

Quietly ask (removed by moderator) if there were witnesses. Stay safe xX.

[browneyedmum]

I think you and I married the same bloke.

My ex still regularly visits since we share children with one another. Almost every visit is quite pleasant. But also, at every visit, he does something that absolutely reminds me why I left him.

What always sticks me in the crawl is when he acts like this:

He talked a lot about his dislike of sexism and seemed supportive of women’s rights

Since it was International Women’s Day this past week… of course I had to endure him mansplaining it to me.

[browneyedmum]

We aren’t fleeing from violence… He’s just emotionally and sexually abusive.

That… sorta kinda reads like forms of violence to me, tbf.

I know when I got started with leaving my ex, I didn’t feel like I had many options either. But also my anger and grief was getting in the way of thinking more creatively– it gave me tunnel vision, big time.

My kids are settled into school and this is where my only support is.

Surprisingly, my kids’ pastoral care at school have been a tremendous source of support. One school told me to come in for a cup of tea and a cry anytime I needed. Same school said they’re happy to keep hold of go-bags for us as well.

Other school’s pastoral care told me something really lovely just last week, “Sometimes I don think us mums hear this enough, but you are doing fantastically especially with everything that is going on.”

Of course I bawled for an hour.

Lean in to your neighbours, friends and community. Continue chatting here for ideas. Tunnel vision can be so horrid when you’re sad, scared, and angry. Find your allies and stick with them.

And yes, it is terrifying oh so very much. But you’ve already proven that you’ve got some grit what with hanging on so long with the abuse. You can do this. It’ll be okay xX.

[browneyedmum]

Try looking for the book, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft … there’s free online pdfs of the book if you know where/how to look. Eye-opening.

[browneyedmum]

My ex threatened that (detail removed by Moderator)x, (detail removed by Moderator) time I went above and beyond with providing support and fully understanding what crisis teams were asking of him… and even then, he walked away from help. That’s because it wasn’t real. Today, he’s alive and well, living elsewhere.

[browneyedmum]

Thinking of you and your poorly child, CB.

And yes, don’t be too surprised if he kicks off because of all of the needed attention on that poorly child. Just expect it and perhaps roll with it for now.

[browneyedmum]

My ex takes the kids (detail removed by Moderator) nights per week, but is looking at 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay child maintenance, however the nature of his work prevents him from doing that unless he sources childcare for them.

But even in those (detail removed by Moderator) nights, I oscillate between enjoying my own space and time and then terribly missing the children to the point I’m at tears.

Sometimes I think I could have put up with my ex longer, but then just about every conversation I have with him reminds me of what (detail removed by Moderator) he is. Always putting himself first, both to my expense and to the expense of the children. That’s the ‘man’ he is.

[browneyedmum]

BB, I can’t love this quote enough! “He wasn’t your compass lovely, think of him more like roadworks and pesky diversions which took you on a wild detour.”

HFH, this as well: “he wasn’t your compass, he was an anchor pulling you down”

WG, I’ve been down in the dumps for a couple of weeks, now going into a 3rd week where I haven’t felt well enough to work. Its not just the break up and realising how awful he’s been to me weighing me down… there’s been a few deaths within my friends group (this month has been so harsh there!) on top of trying to manage one of my children’s mental health issues. And then of course is that final blow: I don’t even know what I like to do in my free time! Do I even have free time after sorting or mourning all these things?

So I’ve just been trudging by, ensuring the essentials are taken care of for now. Still chipping away at restructuring finances (and trust me, service providers and government agencies hadn’t made that easy). And still it feels like I’m just repeating the pattern of repressing what gives me joy to give way to what needs to be done, all the time, so that it feels like I just exist, rather than live. Its no wonder I’m feeling burned out.

But this won’t last forever. This too shall pass. And that’s all to say, you’re not alone. Xx.

[browneyedmum]

“we try to see the good in everyone and our boundaries are shot. We learnt not to rely on others so figure things out ourselves making us highly independent/strong characters who won’t hold others to account because ‘we’ll just do it’.”

^^^ this so much. Because I’ve also questioned myself… “Am I the Problem?” Nah, I think its much more complicated than that as BB articulated so well.

[browneyedmum]

Look how insecure they’re acting by trying to cause you additional harm to make themselves feel better. They sound great for one another. He moved on because he has it in him to inflict that much animosity.

Block her. Put him in ‘minimal contact mode’. And leave it behind. You’re too good for them xX.

[browneyedmum]

That’s wonderful news @peachycuteness1 … do let everyone here know how you get on! Cheers to you! And stay safe xX.

[browneyedmum]

No idea, but I do understand your concern there. If I were you, I’d call in to one of the leading charity support lines, such as Rape Crisis England & Wales and ask for advice.

Keep safe and strong xX.

[browneyedmum]

<3 xX CB <3

[browneyedmum]

Yup! My husband did a wonderful job of diminishing my sense of self worth and making me 2nd guess myself.

When I needed to assert myself outside of the household, such as for work for example, I’d lean on my colleagues in order to get ‘sanity checks’ since I wasn’t –> feeling <– like my needs were valid, when in reality they were.

I’ve gotten better about that… still have ‘sanity checks’ from time to time. Even at worst, I’ll go to Mumsnet AIBU for a ‘sanity check’ in order to have a bit more confidence there.

[browneyedmum]

You’re not a failure, you’re a survivor. I experienced much the same as you.

My internal monologue when my husband would shout at the kids to treat me with some respect was often something along the lines of, “Because I’m your punching bag, but not theirs? Check the example you’re setting.”

When he moved out, things got a little worse with the kids, but since has gotten much better. It wasn’t without support, however… engaging with school and pastoral care; enlisting others to talk with them about how they were behaving towards me; even a few calls to Childline where I said to the children, “If I’m being so unreasonable, go ask Childline.”

I hope those days are behind me and the kids. It did literally feel like a stab in the heart whenever I’d hear his words coming out of my child’s mouth… as though, even though he’s moved out, he’s still here.

[browneyedmum]

I’ve had a similar experience of being made the black sheep of the family when I was younger because I wasn’t willing to put up with my dad’s abuse. Even sicker, many years after … even after my enabler mother divorced my dad due to DA (she had long told family I was lying about the abuse) and re-married … I was made to arrange for dad’s funeral, to host a wake 800 miles away from my home, read a eulogy and clean out the flat where he died which still had the stench of death. He had died alone and no one had checked in on him until about 3 days later. My enabler mother trying to act like the victim (again) now widow. “Oh I’m not legally allowed to help.” — whatever, mother.

Everyone there knew. Cousins who had rejected me gave me both their apologies and condolences. It was a very strange time.

Given my own experience, I believe you. And you’re not alone. And yes, with loads of therapy, one can go on after such a horrendous experience.

[browneyedmum]

MARAC is… more or less a risk assessment. Try googling, “MARAC DASH questions” and you’ll see the guidelines that are used for assessing. Be honest and stay strong xX.

[browneyedmum]

@maddog beat me to it. If anything, the alcoholism makes you more vulnerable. Forgive yourself xX.

[browneyedmum]

Mmm… I think because of lack of hormones, being peri-menopausal, plus societal expectations of women while she’s going through “the change” and the outcomes there… I feel like I’ve actually been empowered to look at my situation with clarity and … obviously voice my opinion that “its a bit $h!t, women get a raw deal”, and for once being taken seriously about it.

That’s actually a bit sad. There may or may not be some scientific evidence around all of that, where many suggest that while women have their cycles, the hormones involved inclines women to “put up and shut up” more. I sorta subscribe to that thought based on my personal experience… and in recognising societal expectations of women — where women are pre-disposed to societal expectations that are completely different from men. While she’s of child-bearing age, she’s expected to “put up and shut up” more… where by comparison, when she becomes the crone, she’s either revered for her wisdom (not the likely scenario), or ignored all together (the most common scenario, by far). Hooray, patriarchy, which imho contributes to domestic abuse.

Also given that almost all scientific study has focused on men, rather than women… because OMG, women have hormones and their bodies are always changing as a result of menstruation… and its too hard to have “stable controls” for any scientific method experimentation on women. (I got so many opinions there… anyhoo…)

Anytime hormones are brought up, its inherently misogynistic, imho. I often have to catch myself on that as my children have hit puberty and I do have to catch/stop myself when referring to one over the other. Its just been so conditioned and it is horrid.

I’m a big fan of Maisie Hill’s “Period Power” and “Peri-menopause Power” which is more inclined towards empowering yourself through hormonal cycles … but then also while possibly just riding on top of so many societal expectations about women in the various stages of life.

You are not crazy cuz hormones. Your views are valid no matter where you are at in the cycle, or even if you cycle very little or not at all. Don’t let your abuser belittle you for your beliefs because of societal myths around a woman’s cycle. There are women pioneers & heroes all over the place where none of that ever came into question.

[browneyedmum]

IKR??? and I’m like, “Tell me more!” when he talks about what a great advocate for women he is!

[browneyedmum]

My daughter parrot’ed her dad for the first few months after her dad and I split.

It was like a double stab in the heart each time she did… first because it was coming from her and it was so cruel and hateful, and uncharacteristic for her. Second because… when her dad finally left, it was like he was still here since she used many of the exact same phrases.

My daughter’s since gone to counselling and she’s been doing much better with her behaviour towards me.

I understand that she’s in a difficult situation where she doesn’t feel like she has as much autonomy, decision making and control over her life. Makes her anxious and scared and that switch will flip where she goes into ultra high gear… because she’s experienced trauma, and that’s how she’s observed her dad responding to trauma and is mirroring it.

She still has her moments, but when I remind her that I’m on her side and then just leave her to think on things (again) … she’s getting better at catching herself rather than parrot’ing what her dad did when something didn’t perfectly please him.

It will get better. Encourage your son to talk to other people about how he feels about you, maybe that’ll help start the change for better in him.

[browneyedmum]

^^^ I need to print and frame the above. Its been a lonely week for me too.

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