Emptybutfree

[Emptybutfree]

Please report it.

What I’m going to say might not be liked by a lot of people…
But it’s ok to still love him. That because you’re a good person with a good heart, it is nothing to do with him or what he has done for you.

In my own personal circumstance, my abuser could be the best person ever and did so many positive things for me… that didn’t stop him from hitting me in the face, almost strangling me to death and smashing my head (detail removed by moderator)… would you advise me to go back to him?

Think about it. I once dropped charges, it never ends well, it will never change. He is saying the things you want to hear, reminding you of the nice (FAKE) person he can be.

Please believe me, I’ve been there. You will end up seriously hurt, if not worse.
Take all the help and support you can get. Were all here xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely,

Firstly, you are brave and amazing.

I completely relate to you, I’ve been strangled, you’re not alone.

I once said to the police, ‘I just think he loses control’ and I was told ‘he is in complete control’ which really stuck with me. It’s all power and control.

You are still here now, you need support so if you haven’t already, please contact your GP on local DV team.

My abuser is now in prison, the strangulation was only counted as assault which is terrible but I believe a new law is coming through called ‘non fatal strangulation’

The rate of DV related deaths jump right up if the abuser uses strangulation. It is very scary and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through what you have.

You deserve nothing but happiness. You have your babies and your babies have you.

We’re always here, you’re never alone and you’re an incredible person.

Sending lots of hugs to you xx

[Emptybutfree]

When we do come to terms with the fact we’re being abused, we look in to and over think EVERYTHING… but everything you’re feeling is correct. We have our logical thoughts in our brain and our unlogical thoughts in our heart… when it comes to abuse, you need to stay and stay as logical as possible!

In my experience, confronting an abuser doesn’t work, in fact, it makes it a little more dangerous as they don’t like losing control.

This is the difference between an abusive and a none abusive person – you are already thinking of reasoning with him… it will NOT work! You can never ever reason with an abusive person.

It’s a little hard to hear and it’s something I’ve struggled to get my head around and that is… he knows exactly what he is doing! As much as you like to think he doesn’t, he does.

You’re a brave lady, sending love and support your way xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely,

I will say it quite simply – you’re being abused.

1. You are not the problem
2. This is not your fault
3. He does not say these thing as a ‘laugh’
4. You are not dramatic
5. You are not bad mouthing him – you’re speaking the truth about his behaviour.

I am still healing from years of metal, emotional and physical abuse, this is very raw for me also. When I first joined this amazing group, I questioned myself as to whether I was the problem, maybe I was too sensitive? Maybe he was right and I was wrong? Maybe he didn’t mean it?…… no, no, no, no, no.

If I said to you… ‘I got so used to being pulled about by my hair that I just got used to it’ what would you say to me?

If I said to you… ‘I got so used to being called useless that i got used to it’ what would you say to me?

If I said to you… ‘my partner says I’m not dressing myself in the ways he thinks is appropriate’ what would you say to me?

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months or 20 years, this is abuse, and unfortunately, it has become part of your day to day life so you have become numb to it. – this is not ok.

It is a steady tapping in to your mind that has clearly worked, I’m guessing you don’t feel very good about yourself? That you look at him and feel as though you’re not good enough for him? That he’s superior in some way?

These men know exactly what they’re doing, this is why I’m asking you to see if from my point of view.

Imagine you were having the same conversation with a close friend or family member, what advice would you give to those people?

The fact that you are on here, actively blaming yourself for another persons vile and abusive ways towards you shows that it isn’t you.

You don’t deserve this and you never have.

Please do not settle for any less than you’re worth and I can tell by even reading your posts that you’re a very kind and loving soul. You’re worth a million – I hope you see that.

Sending big hugs xx

[Emptybutfree]

It is not you!

We try and protect our children the best we can from abuse, it’s not always possible.

It sounds as though your daughter is trying to process the facts that she’s aware of.

As a mother, we try not to press our feelings on to our children but they feel everything.

If your daughter is of an appropriate age and your deem it appropriate, id sit her down and explain. I did this with one of my children as I knew he was struggling to process what was happening. – it helped.

We don’t want to hurt our children by making them aware of the extent of abuse we’ve been subjected to and some children are far too young to understand and process it, but to sit with your daughter, reassure her and make her aware of the situation without going in to lots of detail can sometimes help.

If your daughter is still in school, it may be a good idea to speak to her school to see if there’s any support they can offer.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re not alone.

Sending big hugs to you xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely,

I can relate to this massively!

We worry so much about not being believed because we have spent so much time blaming ourselves.

It sounds as though you’ve been gaslit and by your words ‘that he is charming’ etc doesn’t mean that other won’t see him for what he really is – an abuser.

Other ladies have said to me, that if these people were awful 100% of the time, it wouldn’t make sense, so of course they have a good side, unfortunately, the good side is fake.

When you’re dealing with an abuser, they can do things over time in more subtle ways so we don’t notice sometimes what is going on, therefore, questioning if the abuse is actually happening – it’s is.

This is your logical self and your manipulated self telling you two different things. You know the reality, keep reminding yourself of the facts. Not words, not the fake, good times, but the person he really is!

If it’s safe to do so, keep a journal of situations, how they made you feel etc… when you see it infront of you, it will be a lot clearer.

You’re a very strong lady, your instincts are correct. Keep yourself safe, you deserve nothing but happiness.

Sending hugs your way xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely – I was unfortunately given an STD off my parter. I asked him on numerous occasions if he had slept with anyone else as I was experiencing a lot of bleeding in between cycle, after intercourse etc, pain that would reduce me to tears… He lied and lied until the GP pulled me in for an early smear in fear it was cervical cancer – I had to find out that my ex partner had been unfaithful by receiving a text with a positive result – heartbreaking!

The moral of the story – when you’re mind is telling you that something isn’t right, get it checked out, for your peace of mind and health!

Unfortunately I’ve also found that a vast majority of survivors or ladies who have been/ are in abusive relationships tend to over think… A lot! There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just because we’re constantly questioning our own reality.

I hope that everything is ok for you, try not to google, seek the help that you need to put your mind as ease!

If you have no luck with the gp and sexual health clinic, id suggest calling 111, explain your circumstance and concerns.

Sending lots of hugs to you xx

[Emptybutfree]

Do not ever feel as though you’re in some way unworthy of support – you are more than worthy!

Firstly, I felt every word your wrote in your post, I’m in a very similar situation, although I’ve made my employer aware, other work colleagues are not.

I have gone back to work, only recently, but I tried doing this gradually, is this something you could put to your employer, maybe to return on reduced hours?
This is the approach I took at first, it helped massively!

My worries with going back, facing normality didn’t just make me anxious, it petrified me, I felt so weak, so vulnerable and the thought of anyone else relying on me made me shudder as at the time I felt as though I couldn’t rely on myself, let alone anyone else!

Fast forward * weeks… I’m so happy to be back! I have moments when I do feel overwhelmed, I do have triggers, I do wake up some mornings wishing I wasn’t going – but I get up and go.

Working now for me isn’t keeping me trapped in my little bubble (which was doing my health no good whatsoever) but that bubble gave me a false sense of security but I’m now aware this was only temporarily.

Going back has given me purpose, it is keeping my mind occupied in positive ways and something I have been doing which works for me but may not for others (I apologise if this sounds ridiculous, but it helps me) … each time I feel a negative emotion, even at work, I write it down, even if it’s something small, I write the feeling down on a piece of paper, read it 3 times over, scrunch up the paper and throw it in the bin, as though I’m releasing the negative emotion or feeling and actually throwing it away!

I don’t know how useful (if at all) my post is to you but just so you know you’re not alone. You are a very strong lady, stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for.
Be kind to yourself, you’re amazing and you’re worthy.

Sending hugs your way xx

[Emptybutfree]

I have had therapy and I am having a second course of trauma based therapy.

I feel as though I made a mistake in my first course, I based my therapy around my abuser, wanted to find ways on how I could be more tolerant to his abuse (really thinking that the issues were with me)

I believe that after abuse, our self esteem is hammered in to the ground.

Therapy is excellent and will give you a lot of useful tools, please don’t make the same mistake I did, in thinking I in some way needed to be fixed, this isn’t the case.

I hope the therapy is a positive experience for you.

Sending lots of hugs xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely,

I can relate to everything you’re saying, one of the ladies suggested I watched Dr. Armani on YouTube, this has opened my eyes but these bonds are difficult to shift.

You’re a good person, and when you’re a good person, it’s difficult to try and understand how someone you thought once loved you wasn’t and isn’t the person you thought they were, they never have been and never will be.
It’s all part of their abuse.

We love these people because of the good traits that we have, it’s absolutely no reflection of them. We search for the good, we forgive, we try to understand, it’s never enough, nothing would of been.

Dr. Ramani explains it perfectly in one of her videos…
‘It’s like having a hot mug of tea, the mug that you’re using is serving you a purpose, your happy with your mug of tea, it’s got you interested and you want it… as soon as you have finished the tea, what purpose does it have for you? None, you don’t care about that mug anymore’

The reason they can be so amazing, loving, kind etc is all part of it, to keep us there, to keep us hooked.

You’re definitely not on your own, you’re doing amazing.

Something I’ve been doing also is telling myself that it is ok for my heart to care, because again, that’s a reflection of the person I am and the same goes to you.

Sending big hugs to you xx

[Emptybutfree]

Wow Daff that is horrendous.

These men feel entitled, almost as though you’re only there to serve them which is vile.

Something I’ve learnt with my experience is that I could of called my ex a king, kissed his feet every 5 minutes and he’d still of found some sort of issue.

In reality, they want us to literally serve them in what ever way they deem appropriate, changing the goal posts and causing confusion.

I still believe that if I’d of sat there with my mouth shut, looking pretty, running myself in to the ground to please him 24/7, had my morals and values crushed, allowed myself to be walked all over, cheated on, put down and disposed of when ever he felt like it, there may be a slight chance he’d of been happy… but who am I kidding, he’d never ever of been happy and neither would I.

I stood up for myself, I tried so hard, was beat for it, bad mouthed and made to look like a crazy woman.

These men NEVER change, it’s so easy for me to say that to someone else because I fear the same thing myself, but they don’t.

They say the first point of change is accountability – they have none, and if they show a glimmer of accountability, it’s usually for their own benefit, not for anyone else.

I was also made to feel abusive, I still hold self blame but I’m hoping the more I heal, the more these negative feeling towards myself will fade.

I hope you’re ok strong lady. Sending big hugs xx

[Emptybutfree]

Thank you so much, today is the first day in a very long time I woke up without huge knots in my tummy. I didn’t necessarily feel happy but I felt better and surly that’s an improvement.

I’m trying to be honest with myself in order to heal properly.

I know a lot of ladies on here want to be away from their abuser, and so did I.
Something I’m struggling to come to terms with is the love that I have for him.
He may not of loved me, but I loved him and that is more than ok, it is ok to love, I’m coming to terms with that being a positive reflection of me and not of him.
I miss him, for all the good times we had, whether they be part of the abuse or not and I’m accepting that is also ok.

I didn’t want things to be this way – none of us ladies wanted this, we wanted love, respect, care, compromise, all of the things a healthy relationship consists of.

I know if I love myself the same way I loved and still love him, I will be more than fine, it’s finding the strength within to know that you don’t need to accept being hurt a more – physically, emotionally etc.

Some days the world feels so heavy, I wish none of us were going through any of this hurt or confusion but the comfort in knowing were not alone. We have each other.

Thank you for your lovely comments, I’m still struggling, a lot but that is ok too.

I hope everyone who reads this knows how worthy they are, how respected they are, especially by the ladies on here.

Sending lots of love and big hugs to anyone that needs it right now xx

[Emptybutfree]

Grey rock, I’ve been watching her quite a lot but I’ve been watching a lot on narcissism, do you suggest other topics I could look at?
Could your relationship sometimes feel ‘normal’ and did you have good times? I did and I’m still holding on to those times.

Camel – very true, I don’t think much changes does it, he always told me he wanted an easy life… which confused me because i couldn’t put my finger on the problem.

[Emptybutfree]

I think the main reason I ask is because I was made to believe for a very long time that it was always me, I was always the one who was sorry, I would always be trying to make changes to my behaviour so we didn’t end up in situations like that again. When in reality the only other thing I could of done is to literally say nothing.

I have morals and values so I struggled to not say anything at all, although I did surrender to some degree and tried my best not to upset him (even though It would only be reaction to his disrespect) I fear that I read a lot of things where the women stay quiet, although I knew how violent he could be, I still tried to stand up for myself.

[Emptybutfree]

Hi camel, I ask because I’ve been in many many situations where if I dare to confront any form of hurtful behaviour that is sometimes what would happen, cold shoulder, silent treatment and if I stuck up for myself and attempted to stand my ground I’d get a smack in the face or something along those lines.
I sometimes think to myself, if I would of just left then maybe he wouldn’t of hit me or… does it justify his actions towards me?

This was the case til the last time when he knew I’d had enough and was making me out to be insane for finding out the truth, he then would sway from getting angry to promising to make changes, it ended up in another violent attack as I tried to leave.

Grey rock, thank you!
I always used to say to him, why is it one rule for you and another for me, why are you allowed to be angry or upset but I am not, why wasn’t I allowed to express my feelings or be able to communicate without the silent treatment or violence.

I know logically that everything he did was so wrong but I’m riddled with a lot of guilt and self blame. It’s like speaking to a brick wall with me at the moment, I’m still trying to process and understand everything x

[Emptybutfree]

I used to get ‘told off’ for walking loudly, (detail removed by moderator), so I’d find myself trying to walk in a really funny way to be more quiet.

With the food situation, he’d decided if we were eating healthy or not, he’d also comment if I fed our child any sort of ‘unhealthy’ food but it was always ok for him.

Not sure whether they class as abuse or any kind? I just saw a slight similarity xx

[Emptybutfree]

I have done the freedom programme online, I’m now doing it again as the first time I feel as though I spent most of my time feeling as though I was the abuser.

I was made to feel as though I was crossing boundaries which is why he was so violent towards me when I know, all I was trying to do was communicate and be heard.

I would try to get to the bottom of an issue, probably to try and figure out how I could of made things better. I always apologised even if things weren’t my fault because I didn’t want him to leave me. I’d usually be given the silent treatment or something along those lines.

Part of me wondered what position I would of been in if I’d of just kept my mouth shut, maybe he wouldn’t of cheated, maybe he wouldn’t of hit me, I don’t know. Every scenario is running through my mind.

Thank you for your support xx

[Emptybutfree]

What he seems to be doing here will be (in his eyes) quite crafty.
If he is out on bail he will have instructions not to contact you (and your daughter) directly or indirectly, which he is, therefore he’s in breach of his bail conditions.

He seems to have manipulated you and your daughter already and now his last glimmer of hope is your mum.

These people are very good at looking like the ‘nice guy’ or believe they deserve some sort of compassion – they do not.

If his behaviour went unnoticed then I’m sure it would of carried on and I really feel for you and your daughter. Because he has been caught he will be trying to exhaust any option he has, it is clear that is exactly what he is doing.

My advice would be to speak to your mum, tell her your fears and ask her to respect your wishes.

Contact the police ASAP and let them know what is going on.

Do not be manipulated in to making a decision you do not want to make.

I really hope you’re ok xx

[Emptybutfree]

I’m going to explain my experience of abuse… then if others are unsure or whether or not they’re being abused can see if they can relate.

Abuse comes in many forms but my experiences are…

– feeling inferior
– feelings of self doubt
– being made to feel as though I’m crazy
– being made to feel my instincts are incorrect or invalid
– given the silent treatment (usually as punishment)
– at times being discarded when I asked him to self reflect on his behaviour
– unable to express my view or opinion
– if my views or opinions are expressed to expect to be assaulted
– walking on eggshells and surrendering to my ex’s hurtful actions and behaviour
– blaming my ex’s behaviour on myself
– thoughts that if I was a better person/partner, I wouldn’t be treated this way
– after violent assaults, being made to feel as though this would never of happened if I’d of acted in a different way.
– finding myself apologising just for the peace or so that he didn’t leave me
– feelings of uncertainty and instability

These are my personal experiences, I know everyone is completely different and it doesn’t make it any less or more abusive.

If we know they are treating us badly, if we feel bad about ourselves, if we are second guessing behaviour, there’s a very strong chance it’s abuse and it doesn’t need to be tolerated xx

[Emptybutfree]

Sending lots of birthday hugs to you!
You’re not a bad person, you wouldn’t be talking openly like this if you were.
You know his behaviour is wrong, you know that you don’t like it and that it isn’t making you happy… infact, it’s making you miserable.

Make your day special for you, you have people who don’t know you personally but want what is best for you and want you to be happy. I hope (detail removed by Moderator) and every other day, you have special days.

When we’ve put up with abusive behaviour for a long time, it’s almost impossible to un see it. Maybe try and see you, for the beautiful and kind woman that you are.

You absolutely do not deserve to feel the way you do, you deserve nothing but happiness. You’re doing amazing, even on the days when the world feels heavy.

Big hugs xx

[Emptybutfree]

Hi, yes there are places you can turn, there are things that can be put in to place, I’m hoping an adviser could give you some more info, or possibly try calling up?

I agree completely with what you said, it can sometimes be difficult if you feel as though you have no way out but you absolutely do.

A saw a post on here recently which listed things like – health, children, safety, home etc and said to write a list of which pulls priority, you sound like a very caring and loving mother so I already know your children and health (emotional health) will come before anything else.

I really feel for you, you and your children deserve nothing but happiness.

You’re never alone, we’re always here.

Sending lots of love x

[Emptybutfree]

Don’t ever feel as though you’re moaning, it’s better to say how you’re feeling than to keep it to yourself.

We all have each other to turn to for support!

My ex was the same… he’d make an effort to some extent for my birthday and other occasions but he didn’t like things being about anyone else but himself… maybe this is similar to your husband?

You should be proud of how strong you are, you’re never ever alone and you sound like a very patient, forgiving and lovely lady – try not to be so hard on yourself. – you’re amazing xx

[Emptybutfree]

I’ve just watched the video. That hurt.
When he was chasing her, I could relate to so much of it.. but I understand how others might not. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the permanent scars left on the soul are much harder to heal than the scars on the skin. Some people have a good support network, others don’t. At least we have each other. Sending lots of love xxx

[Emptybutfree]

Then the physical assaults would happen if and when I questioned him on things he had done etc xx

[Emptybutfree]

He would discard me a lot, then come back, he left me completely helpless and felt like I needed him to function, I was nothing without him. He’d go and sleep with other people knowing I was heartbroken then come back and tell me he loved me, I was so confused. Xx

[Emptybutfree]

Thank you for your replies x

He never made me feel crazy for wanting to take my own life, it was in general, if I’d question his behaviour or stand up for myself which led me to question myself and be locked in my mind 24/7.

He used to tell me that he hated drama but his actions told me different. Will he always be that way?

I do believe that my ex would only ever of been happy if I never said a word, didn’t question anything and sat there and looked pretty with no opinion and anything.. I really tried to make it this way, tried to not be overly sensitive and it was in these instances in which he’d turn violent – if I stood up for myself.

I don’t know how I manage to of loved and still love someone who has caused me so much pain.

These situations feel so isolating but it’s giving me comfort in knowing that I’m not alone.

I am having counselling but I don’t know if it’s working, I’m just going with it for now. I’m trying to educate myself of abuse, gaslighting and narcissism.

I know I can’t carry on like this forever, I just hope that one day I wake up and the pain will be gone x

[Emptybutfree]

Hi, I’m new to this too, I’m unsure how my words can help you but I will try.

I’ve also battled with wondering if I still love my ex partner, even if he is abusive, degrading and hurtful and I’ve come to accept that I probably do – there is absolutely nothing wrong with this and shows we are good people with good intentions and we have a heart.

I’ve been trying to educate myself on ‘trauma bonding’ this has opened my eyes a lot also and could be a good thing to look at.

The feelings of being ‘stuck’ I believe are because this isn’t person has been a big part of your life for a long time, whether that be good or bad – we almost feel as though we’re trying to fill the void, again, I think this is a very normal way to feel.

It sounds as though you’re making very positive changes to your life. I’d stick with it and take every day as it comes.

You’re doing amazing xx

[Emptybutfree]

I know that I haven’t been perfect but my intentions were always pure to him. I’m so nervous (detail removed by Moderator), even being in the same room as him, it makes my heart sink even thinking about it, what about if he didn’t mean to hurt me so bad, what about if there is something more I could of done, I know how ridiculous it sounds but these are my feelings. He could be so amazing to me, loving, kind, affectionate but then could also be so hurtful, degrading and violent. My head is everywhere, I wish I had a switch to turn all of these feelings off. X

[Emptybutfree]

Thank you KIP, I have always thought it was something I was doing which made him flip on me and if I changed my issues maybe he wouldn’t be like this. We have a child, I’m intent on protecting my child, It still hurts as he was a fantastic father. I’m so confused x

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