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    • #168976
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Exactly… my ex still reminds me on every interaction how I destroyed his life, and everything is my fault.
      It’s horrible as I still fantasise about having a normal, decent conversation with him where he would maybe acknowledge something and seek help to sort his head out, but it’ll never happen. 🙁

    • #166765
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi hope things are better and I agree with all the above, but why cant he see kids with new partner? I wouldn’t accept him imposing that on me. Though currently in a relationship and he doesn’t know as he’d obviously see reason to kick off. But I’m doing nothing wrong. Maybe your kid is younger, mine are older and understand the situation…

    • #166760
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi, so happy for you and understand your situation. I’m also in a new relationship and hated lying to my teenage kids so gradually introduced him, said first I met somekne I liked, then that it was serious enough I’d like them to meet him etc. So now they know, but I don’t force them to meet, usually only see bf when kids with their dad. It’s difficult as I had to ask kids not to mention to their dad, as he’d surely be triggered… I didn’t ask him to lie, but just not tell, and as he doesn’t ask, its been ok.. But I still am terrified of when he finds out…

    • #166758
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi, enjoy the moments you are not sad, but don’t beat yourself up when/if you suddenly do.
      Something may trigger specific memories or feelings and you may be sad.
      When going through the divorce I was feeling brave and determined, and I’m still sometimes at awe for having made it out, but no one gets in a relationship for it to end, so you may have better and worse days…
      Just congratulations for getting out and good luck managing these often so conflicting emotions xx

    • #164602
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi sorry you feel this way. I havent posted here in a while but came today as was having these same feelings. He has only been horrible to me since the divorce, and I remember what it was like before so I know I’m better off now, but I just still feel nostalgic and sad for what was lost, and just still find it unbelievable that things turned out this way. We were so loving and good to each other once…
      It’s very difficult to reconcile both realities. Hope you are feeling better now x

    • #163183
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Of course he did… my ex would also eat everything and not care for anyone, kids got used to hiding their sweets as otherwise wouldn’t last. He never even asked and if they complained, would get a lecture. We, on the other hand, HAD to always think of him, leave for him… Argh what horrible nasty sad men!!!

    • #163020
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi Lisa, thank you so so much for your reply. It really helps to read. I’m on the waiting list for cbt. It’s not massively painful but uncomfortable as like you said, I thought I’d only feel relief and joy. The new relationship I’m in is balanced and loving but, like you said, it’s different as it should be! I guess I’m also at a different time in my life and often debating if I’d be happier were we to ever live together or should just protect my personal space and independence now. I am afraid of falling into my own pattens and unknowingly again taking responsibility for this new person, and it becoming a chore I feel trapped to in time… I then worry as dont want to mess about with him and just “use” him for company when I feel like it when he longs for a long term partner. I guess it’s all early days, out of the abuse and into a new thing, so I have to reflect on my feelings and take one step at a time. Recently the feelings of loss and sorrow have been high but it’s never made me regret my decisions or wish for a different path. I’m content with where I am now and jusf trying to learn with all these emotions:)
      Thank you!!

    • #163006
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi
      Oh well then absolutely, I feel not having kids involved ease things somehow…
      My ex was the same and he is slowly learning to “adult” for the first time. He is also a clever guy, just too used to not having to worry about anything. Just other day he called to whine he couldnt pay bills (even with top up I give him), hoping I’d offer more money. I just said in the real world, people who are struggling to pay for things have 2 options: earn more or spend less, so he should try look for a side thing for extra cash and save up on whatever he could. I never had anyone to call and ask for money!
      Just do it, you’ll be helping him in the long run by forcing him to be independend!

    • #162996
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Yes very much me these days.
      Just feel sorry for the loss.
      I dont think the good outweighed the bad but it’s sad that to get rid of the bad, you need to also give up on the good. When things are quiet I just remember the good moments more and I feel sad he now resents everything.
      I lost my dad young so I hoped my kids would enjoy happy years with a dad figure and it saddens me they got “this”…

    • #162988
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Yes it happens to me too, but more recently I “listen” when it would have been good… like if I’m cooking alone and remember a moment he helped, or working late and feel like venting, and he’d listen. I feel aweful because I would never want him back, but because things are calm, my brain keeps connecting with good stuff! When I was always scared, and he was threatening more often, these things had faded back, but as he gets quieter (for now!) I get these sad nosgalgic feelings and I hate myself for it… maybe it’s because I’m alone now, no adults to talk to and share life with, and got used to that companionship, even if it was toxic and broken and unbalanced for most of the time…
      I guess it takes time to feel indifferent, if ever… how can you just erase decades of your life? I dont want to as it encompasses all of my kids childhoods and my best young years! 🙁

    • #162985
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi and sorry to hear you are going through this. I actually came to post about nostalgia and trauma bond as I’ve been out for a few months but still care for him and feel this sadness when think about good times, when really the bad should be “on my face” by now to keep me content I’m out, but its not easy.
      I ended knowing would leave my ex – who, like yours, was not a partner, but someone I had to worry about and care for more than I did my kids -, knowing he wouldn’t earn enough to support himself and would see himself as a victim forever, never taking responsibility for his actions. I couldn’t just kick him out, waited until he felt ready (ish) which took many painful months still sharing same house but I had to work and function, and manage his tantrums as best I could. I still help him financially because of kids… I guess I can just appreciate what you are feeling and can say its a process and eventually (I hope!) we can get to feeling indifferent towards them, but when kids are involved I think its harder as he will always be their dad and I can’t forget the times he was good…
      You know you must end it, but don’t be too hard on yourself and blame yourself for not just throwing him out no matter what. It says more about you then him. And also I suspect you worry what the repercussions would be for you if you did – meaning, he’d still try to make your life hell and you want to protect your kids from the drama…
      Make plans, try to be one step ahead of him… I had to just not care about money so I could create boundaries in every other aspect of my life. Money will be the last thing I’ll take away but its what hurts the least to give – I can make more, whereas my time, my health, my body, my space, my freedom, I’m no longer willing to compromise on.
      Hope you find your way out. Xxx

    • #162510
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      I don’t think you can unless you give in early.
      I am a conflict avoiding person and the argument made me feel far worse than giving in so I always did everything. It made me a bit upset then, but it was over in 5min jnstead of dragging on for hours, days or weeks with silent treatment and just triggering other things if he didnt get his way with one thing before.
      Surely it reinforced he would always win and things only got worse until I gave up and left. Which was super difficult as I had to push through a lot of things he didnt want, and still navigating situation to expand my boundaries, but celebrating my hard earned wins now!
      I think with these people its either give in or give up. They will not stop until get their ways and feed on whatever energy, good or bad, so will keep the argument going and escalating. I compare like living in a country with a dictator. Some people have it in them to fight, whatever the consequence (arrest, death!), others will comply to keep safe and try live by following the rules, and others flee. I was never the fighting one, as saw little hope of “winning” and cant stomach possible consequences, just makes me ultra stressed and depressed, so lived by his rules until felt I had to leave.
      Still have to strategize as not free from the dictator altogether but built a support system and plan my steps carefully not to trigger him. Yes it means still giving in sometimes, not being 100% free, but less and less under his control, and it’s something I can live with without losing my mind. I have to know how far I can take things but still function at work and as a mother. The ideal would be for me or him to move to different countries, or for him to stop existing, and as these are not viable options, I just continue to manage as best I can.

    • #162421
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi hope you are ok.
      Like others here, initially mine was also remorseful, saying would change, seeking therapy, doing dishes 🙄
      When he noticed I wouldn’t back down, he accused me from not giving him a second chance, even if there were millions of chances while we were together, he just chose to ignore them and only act when it was too late.
      I also felt like protecting his image initially out of shame and care for him, but now out of fear his image is all he clings onto.
      So I am careful who I tell more details to, and most people are ok with “things just weren’t right anymore, we were not good partners to each other, love ended, but I still care for him as a friend and kids dad…”.
      He chose to not be friendly (as expected) but that’s on him. I could not care less for what he says or doesn’t about me to others.
      He will never see he did anything wrong or to hurt you. For them, its us who were cruel, destroyed them, and are underserving of how good they always were..
      Keep going, and learn to detatch from him. You’ll still need to be mindful of him and strategise to keep yourself safe and sane, but all you’ll do is FOR YOU, not for him. Even if on the outside people may think you are making some things easier on him, we are doing for ourselves, as we know how fast or hard we can push with the change.
      You’ll get there xxx

    • #162420
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi ladies, just thought of sharing an update as the thread picked back up.
      After a couple of abusive episodes after divorce where he went crazy because I wasnt at home with kids (ended up coming to my house, I didn’t want to open but he threatened and I gave in, just to be kicked and yelled at), I decided to connect with the DV, put red flag on my house with police and added cameras. Also have seeked conselling for my kids and myself, and have solicitors lined up to understand what I need to do if want non mol or childs arrangements order. I am planning to talk to school and neighbours to alert them, so they feel ok to intervene if they see something odd.
      I dont intend to act on anything but feel better/safer for having a plab B and more people knowing. I am careful who I share it with, though, and explain that if they want to help keep me safe, he can never know I’m talking behind his back as his biggest fear is that his mask will fall – that would be the last thing he’d lose and I fear for what he’d do. He needs to keep the image of a nice intelligent articulate man…
      Now life is calm and I just need to be mindful not to go out with friends when I have kids as he says I never left kids to do anything with him, so why now… He says I can do whatever I want when he has kids (which is very rare) but tbh that’s good enough. If thats all the control he has and my “punishment” is being stuck with kids, and them with me instead of him, then all is good. I dont have full freedom yet but my priority are the kids and not long before (detail removed by moderator) living their lives. Sometimes I do get upset I’m in this situation but with all the horrors we are seeing in the world, I guess if this is my burden, I must find a way to live through it with strength, taking one step at a time.
      Hope you all wonderful ladies are making progress too xxx

    • #162419
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi, I’m so sorry you are going through this. As the above answered, it is abuse and there is no hope of change.
      My story is similar to yours as in I felt sorry for his childhood trauma and felt responsible for him, looking after his needs like a spoiled child. Things got increasingly bad, also me doing all at home, main bread earner, trying to get him to (detail removed by moderator), while he got further controlling, doing less and everyone walking on eggshells not to trigger him. Also more and more emotionally abusive towards kids. When I decided to leave, he at first seemed to acknowledge he made mistakes, then went on to promising change whilst using all sorts of tacticts to make me stay, from (detail removed by moderator), threatening suicide, extreme crying and then love bombing. When nothing changed my position, he strated to escalate into being physically aggressive towards me. It took me a long time to navigate the divorce alone, keeping everything under wraps as I knew the worst that could happen would be for his mask of being good to fall, these are very proud men who need external approval and respect to feel whole. He’s been out of the house now on his own for a few months and he absolutely hates me, blames me for destroying his life and family, thinks I betrayed him for not sticking with the promises I did when married, and continues to try to control me via kids. He says I’m the narcissistic because now only care about me, and says I dont deserve (detail removed by moderator)… Sadly there’s no easy way out but even though life is still hard, it’s sooo much better as I don’t have to deal with him most of the time – it’s just the little I do, comes with tension, abuse and gaslighting.
      I have finally opened up to more people about what happened and still does, and think I should have done it sooner. I felt embarassed and also still the need to protect him. I still fear for what he could do if something triggers him again so am extremely careful about what I do outside home (he has asked to have no contact with me as I am bad for him, but if we have to agree something for kids, he takes the opportunity to check where I am, with whom, doing what, and if he doesn’t like it, it can cause abuse etc). I now have a red flag at police, installed cameras, locks, and am with dv, mental health and solicitors support, plus family and friends aware so I can take my next steps carefully and making a plan B ready for non mol and childs order if things continue to escalate.
      It’s not great, and people who havent experienced abuse don’t understand why I dont just shut him out completely and live freely, but things have to move slowly so he gradually gets used to a different life and finds alternative sources of supply. I still help him financially even if I carry all the kids expenses and day to day, as he only sees him when he feels like it and I cant plan ahead as its always last minute. My kids are teens so can manage most of the communication with him and that puts an extra burden on them but at least they are free from witnessing and suffering abuse most of the time. He is a bit better with kids since, as he fears losing them now, but kids are resentful of his attitudes and sometimes face up to him, which he then blames me for poisoning them against him…
      I guess I’m sharing so you know what the future could be like, but hope it doesnt discourage you.
      I’m a much much happier person and I am confident I will gradually earn more freedom until he is a faint memory.
      I understand how it hurts as I also held on to the good and have so so many wonderful memories with him, but it cannot excuse the bad and just the fact we have a right to separate if things arent working for us anymore, abuse or not.

    • #162294
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      All of the above, he will kick out no matter what, but I did say many times he maybe deserved better, I couldn’t give him the love he expected as had to sort something inside me/my head, I’m the broken one…. all while he repeated he was good, I didnt deserve how awesome he was to me 🙄 and I would say “yes, sure”… they cant be faced with the truth or will just deny and try to force you back with every strategy on the npd playbook…

    • #162293
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Dont know what to say other than I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and I really hope you are looking for ways to leave and be safe! This is all so so serious… and I’ve been there, threats, aggression, the fear and then soothing over to try end the escalation 🙁 Please please leave. Call DV to red flag your house to the police so if you ever fear something bad might happend and he gets phiscally violent you can just ring and they come. Seek support, we cant live like this…

      Sending you love x

    • #162292
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Just wanted to also echo that yes, the pressure from others is exhausting. I also kept everything under wraps, mainly not to risk him finding out I’m talking and becoming a new trigger for escalation as he is terrified his mask will fall, but also I was always independent and never owed anything to anyone. Now news escaped into my family and they are freaking out. I know it comes from a good place, they want to help and ensure I’m safe, but pressure me into doing what they think is needed urgently when I have my own strategy and pace. I know what I can handle and how he operates, not them! Their involvement upped the stress and if I don’t do things as they want, they think I’m not thinking straight, still soothing him or caring for him. That’s so not it. I’m totally aware but need to think 10 steps ahead and all possible outcomes before taking next move, knowing what I am willing to put up with or sacrifice. I now have family in my house all the time I feel the need to explain myself for, and look after, and it’s exhausting. They are offering to help financially so I can do some things quicker but I’m weary of accepting and then being more pressured into doing what they expect. I keep having to reexplain myself, and when I do they can apparently understand as can’t find a hole in my arguments, but I shouldn’t have to explain myself over and over…

    • #162203
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Thanks Lisa, this makes sense…
      For now I have decided I’ll avoid things that trigger him – like going out when kids with me, which is 90% of the time – and enjoy the fact I’m out for most of the time and I should enjoy it. I know he’ll keep trying to find reasons to fight with me and I’ll keep strategizing with kids to try ensure they are ok when with them so I can have a bit of a personal life.
      This may buy me time, family will be around for a while and I can work on my mental health – have assessment for ptsd soon.
      It annoys me as I am in a loving new relationship and this means I have very very little time for it, but he’s being understanding and I guess thats all I can ask for now.
      He did say I could do whatever I wanted when kids with him so sadly even if still playing by his rules, it means kids are with me most of the time without his moods, and they are my priority.
      Will still organise a backup plan with local DV and solicitors in case I need it.
      Thank you again for your reply and talking sense into me 🙂 I guess I had already envisioned those scenarios but it’s good the reassurance.
      I just need to keep creating space /boundaries slowly and hoping with time he will find another supply 🙁

    • #162027
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi sorry you feel like this, I can totally relate with feelings of fear. Things escalate so easily and over “nothing”, we never know when it’s going to happen and are constantly tense. I also question if the threats are just that, but what if he acts on them? Even if chanced are small, do I want to risk it? It’s so difficult but we cannot give up.
      Make plans, strategize, we need to be stronger and outsmart them.
      We need to tackle this in so many fronts, its incredibly tiring to manage on top of living an already busy life, but the alternative is forever being in an abusive relationship so it has to be worth our fight and energy.
      Here’s my latest strategies/ideas, working through them
      – document EVERYTHING. I created a secret google calendar and just log on the day what happened and add whatever evidence I can
      – get cameras outside and inside your house (may be tricky if he’s still there)
      – alert neighbours if they see something odd to come check in or call police
      – put a tag on your address with police so if you ever call, they come straight in
      – look into non mol and parental agreement alongside your divorce plans. You’ll possibly need them…
      – get into your local DA scheme – they are so great for regular support
      Good luck. He wont be civil, he wont change… but you can do this

    • #161986
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Mine wont write anything either, but I still do so have evidence of his tactics if needed. I did a shared calendar where I add everything about kids so he cant say I dont inform him. On rare occasions he writes back he is careful with his words but you can sense the aggressive tone. If we speak on phone or in person it comes with a thread of abuse so I know its so hard but I try not to engage and later put facts in writing.

    • #161985
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Ah also did go to GP and getting assessed tor C-PTSD. Could help if things get worse and I need to prove things. Also keeping a log of everything that happens with whatever evidence I can gather (messages screen shots etc)

    • #161984
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      I am in similar situation, havent gone to police officially yet but spoke to friends who are in the police and they advised I got a door bell camera and added hidden ones inside, I’m getting them now. Also will alert neighbours saying been through a tough divorce for them to keep an eye out and call in or police if they hear shouting or anything unusual… Also taking steps to a non mol, still early days but I guess if you haven’t done any of these yet could be a way forward. Also call local DV, mine put a flag with the police so if I call dont need to say anything, just dial 999 and drop phone and they’ll come apparently…

    • #161926
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      @stronglife did you ever report him to the police? Got non mol? Or just persevered in ignoring him?

    • #161552
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Thanks everyone. I’ll reach out to GP and see if I can get accessed for complex ptsd or similar and see what happens. Dont want to just ask for pills but see what they assess. Hopefully wont be waiting in nhs queue too long!!

    • #161541
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Why would you insist in meeting her first and “vetting ” so he can ask for the same from you?
      This is his life, he can date whomever. Your daughter is bound to be around people from his world now. I definitely wouldn’t want my abusive ex to “meet my partner first” s he’d obviously find issues and try stop me from introducing kids or whatever. Have you ever told him you wanted to introduce someone to your kid?

    • #161515
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Thanks bananaboat, you are right, I must retrain myself!! Just today I had to see him in person and it was horrendous. He kept swearing at me quietly in our native language and demanded I told him where I went, with whom, or would throw stuff at me. I know he wouldn’t but I panic… told him half truths so he would stop, as he keeps asking and asking…. I tried to dismiss, say I didnt have to tell him, he doesnt tell me, but he is such a bully!!
      Answering on text hasnt worked as he ignores and keeps ringing. It is worst when I’m not with kids as I worry for them, if he will go get them or something crazy…
      Such a waste of space!!

    • #161455
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi its a horrible thing to have to consider, I was in same situation as you, didn’t go for it for same reasons, was just too scared of escalation etc… curious to see what other say here too x

    • #166766
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Hi, it does resonate a lot what you are feeling. The guilt or responsibility towards them is difficult to shake off. He is a broken person, and I can’t help feel sorry and a wish I could help (more than I already do, even if he says I’m just doing him harm, and despite getting abuse at every interaction). I know I’m not responsible for how he feels and he is facing consequences to his actions but there is a degree of thinking I am somewhat at fault, for not supporting him, because I’m the “healthy” one and he has deep rooted mental health issues. I get mad at myself for not switching off from him. He’s constantly creating drama just to try punish me, and yet I don’t feel hate, just… sadness he is like this. And the fact my kids have to bounce between us now is difficult. They are definitely better than witnessing our toxic marriage, so I know it’s the best I can offer them now, but sometimes seeing pictures of good times really hurts. Keeping them from having those small good moments as a family. Thanks for your message x and have a beautiful week!

    • #166759
      Eyeswideopen
      Participant

      Thank you for this. This is exactly how I feel. I had no choice, but it’s still sad it had to happen. And I don’t want to kill the good memories, I dont want to nurture hatred towards him… I cant not love him, given all we did together, our kids… But I know I deserved better and life is generally better without him.
      I just wish I could stop caring about him, I still constantly worry about how he is…

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