HunkyDory

[HunkyDory]

Hi Okay, well done. If you feel you are in danger, please call the police and tell them you’re scared of him coming round.

It will get better, believe me xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi there. Can you get someone to do the email communication on your behalf? A trusted family member or friend? That way you have completely no contact, and he won’t be able to continue to abuse you that way.

Xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi, really good to read you’re out. Congratulations and well done 👍

It’s early days for you. For me, the answer to your question was time and absolutely zero contact. I felt very guilty and sorry for him early on. I desperately wanted him to be ok. It’s all part of the FOG of abuse as I learnt. I started to understand and then believe that he chose to abuse me and it’s absolutely not my fault that he’s in the position he is.

My advice would be to look after yourself, have no contact with him whatsoever. Change your mobile number, use a new email address, block him on everything or even better take a break from any social media for a while.

I’m more than a couple of years free and apart from a wobble when he got through to my phone with a new number (which prompted me to change the number I’d had for decades), I now couldn’t give a flying fff fig what he’s doing, where he is or who he’s with. I couldn’t care less.

Good luck, keep posting for support and you’ll find your way through the FOG.

All the best HD x

[HunkyDory]

Hi well done on getting out.

If you are seriously concerned he might harm himself (had the same with my ex, the police who were involved towards the end before he left said they see this a lot and it is extremely rare that they do actually harm themselves), ask the police to do a welfare check on him. This will give him a wake up call and might bring an end to his toddler tantrum – because that is most likely what he is doing – and trying to maintain control over you – don’t fall for his nonsense.

Good luck & keep strong x

[HunkyDory]

No wonder you’re confused. Double standards, controlling, gaslighting, moving goalposts and projecting – all standard abusive behaviors. Believe me this isn’t going to go away and in fact will probably get worse. My advice is the same, I’d leave this relationship before it does get worse and it gets more difficult to get out. The fact he switched tactics as you were about to leave just shows how he’s moving through the cycle. Be careful Xx

[HunkyDory]

Hey, your situation sounds so so similar to the one I had with my ex. I was fortunate in that he left the country – his decision after a vicious attack on me – and I made sure he couldn’t come back (he didn’t have full leave to remain). It was a long time coming and I had almost a decade of physical, emotional and financial abuse.

It’s different for you, we had no children, but my advice would be to get yourself a support network and make a safe plan to leave via womens aid or a local charity. You and your child deserve so much better. X

[HunkyDory]

Hi, I agree with the ladies, sounds off to me. My ex was from (detail removed by moderator) too and used to go back for weeks on end. When I went, he insisted he went for a week or two before me, or stay on after I came back. Along with the other abuse, I found he was sending & receiving explicit messages from women in his home town. Never got concrete proof of physical cheating but it was highly likely and that was enough for me. He was the same, never thought about me, always him him him, isolating me from everyone as well.

Definitely make sure you have the children’s passports safe, ideally with someone you trust and not hidden in the house. Trust your gut, it’s always right xx

[HunkyDory]

Well done for joining this wonderful supportive community. The ladies here helped me no end through my trauma, I’m sure they will give you all the support and help you need. Please keep posting, you’re with friends now xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi @strongenough I was out with some old friends the other week. One of them is a “big advocate” of preventing domestic abuse and constantly shares white ribbon posts on her social media. We were discussing a friend who we suspect might be in an abusive relationship and she said “she should just leave him” 🤦‍♀️ I said it’s not as easy as that. She quietened down because she knows I’ve been there and I know ! But yea folks who haven’t been through this (lucky them) really don’t understand it. 💕xx

[HunkyDory]

Massive red flags, your post actually triggered me. This is horrible behaviour and the fact he’s punching walls…. I’d make a pretty sharp exit from the relationship if I was in your shoes xx

[HunkyDory]

I think eventually you will come out of the exhaustion cycle (absolutely drains you after the horrible rants and I understand it’s hard to get the energy to make a plan) and accept that leaving is the best option for your own mental heaths sake. Just do it safely xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi CuriousB

Every relationship is different as are the endings. I was fortunate that he left and I was able to block his return (he is from another country) so in a lot of ways it was “easy” for me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse for nearly a decade.

A lot of what you say resonates with me so much, I could never be in a bad mood or grumpy either, you feel like you have to have your face straight at all times.

People who haven’t been affected by abuse find it difficult to comprehend why we don’t “just leave”. Of course it’s not that easy. Which is why so much of my help and support came from this group rather than my friends and family and even a counsellor, who were like rabbits in headlights – they had no idea how to help me.

I’ve seen other ladies on the forum who’ve made their safe exit plans without their partner knowing and have successfully left the relationship. Sorting out where to go (do you have children together? Can you arrange to stay with family or friends or even arrange a new place to live?) and ideally having someone with you on the day you leave is a good idea.

The trick is staying away, because the attempts to get you back will make your head spin. When you leave, going absolutely zero contact is the way to go. Block him everywhere so he doesn’t get the chance to Hoover you back in.

The relief I felt after he’d gone was immense, but coping with the aftermath of grief and guilt is very hard for some time so be prepared for that.. look after yourself, keep posting and feel free to pm me if you want

XxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

Hey I just wanted to show some support. You’re not going crazy, it’s exactly how he wants you to feel. My ex used to be exactly the same. My reaction to anything was wrong – you fall over yourself trying to get the response right. Then it would my face – what’s wrong with it, that
I looked angry / dismissive / whatever reaction he didn’t want. I would work so hard to have my face “in neutral” to not upset him (it would be random, not especially mid argument). It was ridiculous.

Unfortunately there’s no arguing with an abuser because they believe they are always right. And yes, it is exhausting. He’s making you feel like a monster because that’s his aim – you’re not a monster. The following, berating etc escalated to violence with me. Be very careful. Abuse escalates, it never, ever gets better. Threats of suicide more often than not are just that, threats to keep you controlled.

Like you I felt I had no one, to everyone else we were a happily married couple. I told no one of the hell I was living in. Abuse thrives on silence too.

If you feel you want to leave, don’t tell him. Make your exit plans secretly and try to build a support network, find somewhere to go. Speak with your local domestic abuse teams or the online chat about creating a safe exit plan.

Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, or Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Keep posting on here for help and advice, you will get lots of support from like minded ladies.

Good luck
xxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

Please leave as soon as you can. His behavior is escalating dangerously and it can (and probably will) get worse.

I had this a number of times and finally split after he put me in hospital.

You can sort the legal stuff around the house later. Just get out when you can and stay with family or friends – please speak with women’s aid to formulate a safe exit – they are at their most dangerous when they think they’ve lost control so don’t tell him your plans to leave. Don’t tell him where you are. Cut off all contact, block him everywhere because he will do his best to Hoover you back in. Send a third party to collect your things. Speak to your GP, tell them what’s going on, I had amazing support (trauma counseling medication for anxiety) so don’t be afraid to do that.

You’ll feel so much better away from this drama and abuse. It takes time to start feeling good again, but you have the support of everyone on this site at every step.

Stay safe and good luck
xxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

Hi there, yes occasionally I feel the same. Because after we split he went to live in another country where I know life is extremely hard. But my mantra is, it was his choice to abuse me, and he left me with no choice but to end the relationship. Well done getting out and always remember none of it is your fault but down to his own actions xx

[HunkyDory]

Agree with all of you. Dreadful portrayal of domestic abuse. The abuse I suffered was mainly physical but also financial and emotional. coercive control and isolation also played a big part and I see none of the hidden abuse tactics being portrayed in this video.

I admire (detail removed by Moderator) courage in speaking out, but the video is totally giving the wrong message about abuse. X

[HunkyDory]

Hi there, don’t worry you are not an abuser. I had the exact same with my ex husband. He regularly pushed me to my absolute mental and emotional limits and twice I just snapped and went for him physically. In hindsight he could have killed me – his abuse later escalated to violence before he left and I ended up in hospital – but I didn’t care in that moment because he had pushed one button too far. He wasn’t hurt but same as yours felt very sorry for himself afterwards and I felt bad too. I don’t now because time has passed and I see it for what it was. They just love to get us into this state so they can put on the puppy dog eyes and turn everything around on us.

I hope you can find a way to get out soon xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi Heather Flower- I’m in a very similar situation to you. My ex is also an ocean away and our timeline is also the same as yours. I had EMDR last year to help me with hyper vigilance and panic attacks & PTSD. It kind of worked and I felt less stressed. But even now I have nightmares- that we’re back together and I’m trapped. I’ve even had those double waking dreams where you “wake up” and realise your nightmare is true.. then I wake up properly and the relief is immense.

I’m not sure I can be much help to you, but what has been good for me is self care, reconnecting with friends and immersing myself in work. I still feel very sad about the whole thing, and sometimes a twinge of guilt. But I tell myself – it was his choice to do those things to me, I have nothing to feel guilty for.

(Detail removed by moderator) isn’t a long time (it’s recommended I believe not to have a new serious relationship before two years if you’ve suffered abuse). I’m not at all interested in finding someone new, but I do see red flags everywhere now.

Take care of yourself, you will get there xx

[HunkyDory]

Hello Purple Cloud. I remember you when I was regularly on here some time ago. You have made a huge positive step and have done amazingly well to go and reconnect with your friends and family- it’s wonderful, really, well done 💕 I just want to say, the few weeks after being “out”, yes, it’s hard. All the emotions you describe – it’s intense. And you struggle, but behind it all you KNOW this is what is best for you. The FOG follows you for a while, but when you recognize it’s what we’ve been conditioned to for so many years, you can and will get through it. You have your friends and family beside you now to support.

But I understand totally the mixed up feelings you have. I missed the “nice him” not the real violent drunk normal him. I don’t miss the fear and obligation to jump to his every wish and command. Like you, I came to realize- stay and die (which may well have happened the way things escalated at the end) or leave and learn to live again and battle on. I had some counseling and treatment for PTSD – not really for me, but I do think it helped. I’ll soon be into the (detail removed by moderator) and life is great, as it will be for you. I spent many a night drinking too much and going over and over things – did I make a mistake, was it me? All the usual stuff. Recurring nightmares about him being back, me regretting taking him back and feeling totally stuck. For the first time in a long time I had that dream last night, hence me checking in here, and I feel grateful for the dream, seeing it for what it is and thanking my lucky stars I’m where I am.

You will get stronger. Cut your ties with him 100%, social media, phone, email. Change them all and don’t be tempted or lulled back into going back or contacting him. It’s hard for a while but I’m on the other side now and believe me, it is 10000000 times better. Yes I’m alone but happier for it. I found new interests, reconnected with friends (you Ticked that box already) and treated myself with kindness. It takes time but you’ll get here too. You all will.

Just make sure you have family with you when you collect your things – please don’t go alone and try to go when he’s out. Be safe, and trust in the brighter future that is waiting for you over here. Big hugs, well done and keep going. HD Xxx

[HunkyDory]

Happy Christmas everyone I hope it’s been a peaceful as it can be. I’ve not posted for a while but I do pop in from time to time when I feel a wobble coming (few and far between these days) and seeing all the positive messages helps me.

I wanted to thank you too KIP for your wise words and calming me down when I was frantic. You’re a bunch of special ladies and I hope you get to where you need to be in 2021 – free from these monsters that torment our lives, all the best HD xx

[HunkyDory]

.. also, he is doing it on purpose. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how it upsets you because you’ve told him and still he does it. You’re being totally suppressed here and you can’t be yourself. Xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi and welcome Drained. Absolutely 100% abusive in my opinion. The fact you’re walking on eggshells says it all. You should never have to do that in a good relationship. The fact you’ve tried to end it more than once and he hasn’t “let” you… I really think you need to get out of this one. Punching walls and himself is only a short step away from being violent to you. I never though my ex would be violent towards me, because he was lovely too.

Be careful when ending a relationship like this because their behaviour can escalate. I’d recommend you get in touch with Women’s Aid and they’ll help you with a plan.

You deserve better and to feel energised and relaxed and happy in a relationship. Not tense and drained and exhausted.

All the best XX

[HunkyDory]

Funny Catjam, that was exactly what i called my ex. At first I took him a cuppa in the morning when I was up first. Then I noticed if he was up first he’d make his own, but not for me (because he thought I was still asleep). So I stopped. If he was ill, oh Lordy it was groaning and moaning and taking of temperatures and writhing around on the sofa… and me waiting on him hand and foot. I used to get awful migraines and some days I’d be in bed all day, only leaving my bed to throw up. Never got as much as a glass of water bought in, or checked on to see if I was ok. Dinners were served on a tray because he was generally on the phone to his mates. Oh but if my relatives came for dinner, he’d be hovering round, serving up, clearing dishes, washing up….they thought he was wonderful.

They really are overgrown toddlers wanting their every whim catered for. They have no sense of anyone’s needs or wants except their own. They exist in their own little self obsessed universe.

I was stuck, scared to leave or argue or ask him to do anything so continued being a skivvy. Had no choice.

So glad I’m free now and I hope you can be too. Xx

[HunkyDory]

Thank you ladies. @eggshells I’m out on a shopping spree later to spend more of my non existent money 😬 xx

[HunkyDory]

Oohhh I’m so glad you’re out too iliketea! I remember you too x are you getting some help with ptsd? I hope you’re through that horrible stage soon. Life is waiting….. 💕

[HunkyDory]

💕

[HunkyDory]

❤️❤️

[HunkyDory]

They think they’re above the law.. you’ve changed your locks which is good. Just keep your phone with you. Try to rest, speak with police tomorrow. Let us know how you get on. X

[HunkyDory]

Well done reporting it. Keep your phone charged and with you, don’t hesitate to call 999 immediately if he comes to your house. Is there someone who can come and stay with you? I empathize with the panic you feel. When I thought my ex was coming back (he didn’t) I was in a complete tailspin. @kip talked me down (she’s amazing) I was double and triple checking all doors and windows and even had a brush propped under the handles, I was frantic. It does get easier, and you’re not alone. I’m still getting some flashbacks over 2 years on, but milder and I’m coping. You’re doing everything right, keep posting and let us know you’re doing ok xx

[HunkyDory]

I never thought it would escalate either. The first time it happened he was “so sorry” and that was only a little scratch on my hand. Fast forward 4-5 years, physical intimidation and violence became the norm, the default setting when things escalated and I dared to argue back. It’s really important that you think about getting away as soon as you can. He won’t change and their behavior worsens over time. Don’t let it come to that, and plan your escape safely. Best of luck x

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