Janedoeissad

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks Darcy

I have had counselling. We’ve even discussed this issue and come up with things I can do. The fear kicks in so fast I don’t have time to think or implement what I should be doing.

Even my partner has agreed to the things me and my counsellor have put in place but I still immediately think the worst. Then get upset. Its not all the time and I have got better but when it does happen I get so mad at myself

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you so much for responding!

I think I do need to speak to them but also I’ve started planning things in with my family and my new partner, sort of my way of saying “see, he won’t keep me away from you, this one is actually pretty normal”.

I do very much question my own judgement. We’ve been together a few months and I am still watching endlessly for red flags but I never find any. I have freedom with him which I’ve never had before, we are together but also have our own lives. And all I want is for my family to see that and not go digging for red flags which aren’t there.

[Janedoeissad]

I felt the same when I met my now partner. He must’ve thought I was insane!!

Be kind to yourself. Are you having counselling? I have been going for over 12 months and its been a real help to me. I get triggered a lot by everyday things people take for granted in a relationship but the CBT has helped me manage the triggers

[Janedoeissad]

I have had counselling and my counsellor supported me during dating. The first person I met has been a dream. He is the pole opposite of my ex in every way.

However, the whole thing has been one massive, on and off trigger. I keep finding new things to trigger me which I never realised. So my anxiety peaks and troughs. Its very disheartening that something which should be amazing is covered with a think layer of anxiety and PTSD but I’m so glad I did it.

Below all the fear is a feeling that this person feels like family. A family I’d want to be part of. So I’ll persevere through the fear, for him, as he’s the first person to ask what I want and he wants my opinion.

The guy you are seeing sounds like he’s breadcrumbing. Giving you little bits of attention to keep you just interested enough. I’d get rid and keep persevering.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks KIP. I know I would have wanted motivation when I was with my Ex so thought I would give a view of a really positive day.

MeOnScreen, I have been having counselling (but not person centered as that did not work for me either) and CBT for over a year now. I was having the sessions very regularly but I have reduced them over time and plan on stopping them when I can do the CBT myself and know how to work with my anxiety and PTSD rather than against it. My counsellor has experience of working with abuse survivors and I think that is important. I am slowly learning that I am not my anxiety, that I can regain control if I catch it early enough (before it moves to full blown panic and meltdown) and that in the presence of the right people, I barely notice it as I feel loved and supported. Something I have not felt for a long time.

More importantly MeOnScreen, know that you 100% deserve all the kindness and support someone gives you. I am learning that being supported is good and asking for support is more than OK. I’ve had a few emotional meltdowns with my new man and I try to explain everything properly when the anxiety as gone again (pointless explaining when its still ongoing as reason and logic have gone out the window!).

[Janedoeissad]

Wow,this is interesting. I am now in recovery and receiving counselling, to see how far I have come has given me a massive confidence boost. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday that I left but its actually been years. So its good to take stock of how far you have come.

[Janedoeissad]

Definitely be proud of yourself.

I’m 6 months into counselling and it has honestly changed my life. I’ve been told I probably have PTSD and I’ve been having CBT sessions which have begun to help with the endless anxiety.

The thought of my first session made me feel sick but I’m very glad I went. So keep at it.

[Janedoeissad]

Theydeservethebest, my Ex made so many demands and had me in those positions where I could do nothing right, where I would be hysterical crying asking what it was he wanted me to do, he’d never say, as that was the fun of his game, to leave me never knowing the rules of the game long enough to “win”.

You sound like you are having more and more insight into his behaviour. That is an awesome start. And I agree with others, you do not have to be rich to go. I left and moved in with friends and the move cost me nothing. I have no kids though but Refuge sounds like a really good idea. 🙂

Sending the biggest hugs as I honestly feel for you having been in that position.

[Janedoeissad]

I agree with all your sentiments Iliketea. I think its important the we give thanks where its due and these ladies deserve all the thanks I can give.

Without the ladies on here, the kind lady I spoke to at a Women’s Aid centre near me and the other nice lady I spoke to on the phone, I would not be where I am now. I know that for certain. I also know without my counsellor, I’d still be in the same place I was the day after I left, which was a bit of a mess but a brave, courageous, strong mess.

I think its really important to see how brave and courageous and awesome you are, whether you have left or not.

Also in times of trouble, your true friends shine through and the bad ones do too. Keep and nurture the good and bin the bad. You don’t need anyone else bringing you down 🙂

[Janedoeissad]

I am so sorry to hear about your terrible situation. Have you tried calling the helpline? The ladies are really helpful and I am sure they can help you out. You cannot keep living in the situation you are in as, as you say its is not healthy for you.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for all you input ladies. It’s really helpful. A lot of my “I should” statements are my Exs statements and they have stayed with me it seems. We’ve been at this for a few months and just uncover layers of damage that he’s done. It’s only in the last few weeks that there has been a shift and my anxiety levels are starting to lower in a noticeable way.

Eggshells, you are spot on. She is exploring exactly what you said. The homework is part 1 of the process really.

KIP I love “I choose”. I give myself permission was a suggested start of the sentence as I couldn’t think of anything which resonated with me but I think I may have to use that. It feels more me.

I think we all deserve whatever we like. We’ve been through a lot and now it’s our time. And if you are still with your abusive partner remember you still deserve great things despite what he might say

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Sunafterthestorm

I have no children with my ex. I left over 2 years ago now.

(detail removed by moderator) months after I was still broken. And in a sense I’m still broken now. I’ve had counselling, CBT, and I do exercise/martial arts to reduce my anxiety but when it comes to men. I’m still at day 1 and I find it incredibly hard to trust or even engage in conversation with a man.

You need to be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal. From what I just read you’ve been through hell. And in so many different ways.

Look after yourself and big hugs xx

[Janedoeissad]

IWMB I think that’s exactly where I’d like to get to. Where I have no emotion regarding him whatsoever.

I’ll get to that point I’m sure but right now I can sit here thinking of how I can hurt him as much as he hurt me. Then I feel bad and beat myself up.

[Janedoeissad]

My anxiety comes and kicks me in the ass frequently..

Sometimes I can pin point why, other times I can’t.

Some days it’s low level, others it leaves me on the ground in tears.

I think it is part of healing. Your body was on red alert for how ever long you were with your partner, switching that fight or flight mechanism off won’t happen over night. It will take a long time.

It’s something I hate my ex for. He made my life hell and his parting gift was this anxiety.

Keep strong though. You got this and you will have good days again.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks ladies.

I am still undecided but through counselling I am processing and learning.

I hope I can at least move on and forget but I think I saw myself as the bigger person for forgiving. From what you have said I can see that maybe forgetting or just feeling pity for him is enough.

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