Lightness

[Lightness]

Merry Christmas, ladies x

[Lightness]

Blue skies, you said: ‘I have separated this man into two separate people: one is the amazing man I love. The other is cruel and unkind. I am struggling to put these two people together and realise they are the same person!!!’

This is how they manipulate us. The amazing man is the actor who wears a mask. The unkind man is the real him. It’s devastating to realise this. It’s part of the ‘cognitive dissonance’ when you can’t hold two opposing beliefs at the same time and it makes you doubt yourself. Stay strong, it will be worth it and in time you will make sense of it all x

[Lightness]

well done xxx

[Lightness]

The stress of the virus will likely stress out the perpetrators and they will no doubt want to take the blame out on their victims. I know that that is how it would have been for me. He would have though the virus was caused to hurt him and so I would be made to pay.

[Lightness]

Hey KIP
Hats off to you!
I’m having EMDR at the moment – I wonder if you might want to consider it, in preparation. Just a thought. I had a particularly good session today and I am feeling particularly empowered. Interestingly the EMDR I am having has not even started with processing the traumas relating to him, as we are starting from my teenage years (nothing to do with abuse), but even processing that is really helpful and it’s actually strangely taking the energy away that I have ‘given’ to him, if that makes any sense. He’s just a boy I met and used to know.

Sending hugs and strength your way
Lx

[Lightness]

well done Eggshells

I agree, life does get better – much better. It takes time but it’s worth it

Lx

[Lightness]

Ok so I am going to take some time out of dating to take care of myself. I had another encounter today with a guy who seemed normal and then revealed himself. Wow! That’s 5 manipulators I have met on-line to 2 healthy-ish guys. We all need to be so careful X

[Lightness]

thank you Sunshine and Tiffany
It was definitely not a healthy relationship for me.
I’m definitely going to look at love addiction – sounds fascinating and like I could learn a lot
thankyou

Lx

[Lightness]

Thanks ladies
You’ve been so so helpful. Friends don’t get it – but you do.

So, rightly or wrongly I have convinced myself that he is an abuser. My gut tells me I am right.
We are now no contact so it is done and dusted. I can’t believe how upset and disappointed I feel by this experience. It was only 2 dates and even though I wasn’t that into him I feel like a relationship has ended. I guess it must be the building up of hopes (even at a small level) and then the crashing down again. And that is what the love bombing is designed to do.

I am noticing that while I am learning to trust my gut again (and also I am good at picking up on red flags at a conscious level), it is the abusive types who are the most interesting/fun/exciting to be with. It’s interesting that this is the case, despite all the work I have done on myself, how I have raised my self respect, how independent I am etc.

Lx

[Lightness]

It does get easier. At the start we are so vulnerable and we don’t know what to believe anymore (that was my experience anyway). I have met some really lovely men and also some overtly and covertly bad men. As time goes on, and if we put in the work, I think we get much better at trusting our guts, seeing the red flags and also seeing what healthy relationships look like. I’m a far better judge of character now than ever before. People reveal themselves eventually, one way or the other
Lx

[Lightness]

Awesome news xx

[Lightness]

Can I just send a hug to meonscreen. I do understand what you mean about you ex being nice to someone else. BUT, since leaving my ex and have met (on and off line) a scary number of guys who exhibit the behaviours of a predator, like our exes. I can tell you it does not feel like they are being nice, once you work them out. Yes it feels great to receive the flattery and charm, bit once you notice that that is what it is it feels empty. It’s pure manipulation. They don’t change
LX

[Lightness]

I hope you find this news liberating. She will probably be getting all sorts of love bombing now but that will quickly turn to abuse as soon as that contract is signed. It is very sad for the next victim and hopefully the inevitable relationship end won’t be too many years off before the pattern repeats again

Onwards and upwards for you xx

[Lightness]

Thanks fizzylem

That’s really interesting. Sometimes just feels a bit off. He talks as though he is altruistic but and kind but at the same time flatters me, messages a lot and doesn’t feel like a hugely kind and empathic person. I feel I need someone with high empathy
I do wonder if he is a very covert type (as was my ex).
Lx

[Lightness]

Thankyou Tiffany

‘dont put up with anyone who doesn’t make your life significantly better’

I love that! That is my litmus test

We ladies on here ball deserve the best xx

[Lightness]

Thanks Tiffany, that’s really helpful actually.
Lx

[Lightness]

Great question – so so covert – this list probably doesn’t even sound like abuse:

So much attention at the start

Wanting to be with me a lot

Wanting us to have a shared vision

Buying me presents I didn’t want

Telling me he loved me, but me not feeling loved

Not being present or doing anything of real benefit for me

Telling me how great he was

Telling me how great other people were

Telling me he was sad (playing victim), and brining the mood down

Never praising me or asking me how I was

Asking me to help him with things he could do himself

Changing the subject if I spoke about my stuff

Taking forever to get me a painkiller or similar

Taking up more physical space that he should have for his size

Always ‘winning’ arguments by saying confusing things

I COULD GO ON WITH MANY MORE OVERT THINGS BUT ACTUALLY IT IS THE COVERT STUFF LIKE THE ABOVE THST CAN BE SO DANGEROUS BECAUSE IT MAKES US QUESTION OURSELVES AND PREVENTS US SEEING THE ABUSE. Thank goodness my therapist so quickly worked him out which gave me all the information I needed to get out. No more abuse!!

[Lightness]

The final straw for me was a conversation with a therapist who explained he was abusive. Despite all the years with him I had no idea whatsoever he was abusive until this point (very covert with abuse)
As soon as I learned it was abuse and that he therefore had a serious problem that would not change, I knew I had to leave. Staying wasn’t an option as I was terrified of him and at the same time relieved that I was taking back control of my life and getting rid of Mr Angry

It took all the strength I had to leave. Thank goodness I got out.

[Lightness]

Keep doing the yoga and meditation. Make sure you spend time with people who validate what you have experienced and who help you feel safe X

[Lightness]

Hi lostgal
I felt like that too. It will pass in time. As the hypervigilence reduces and as time passed you will get better. The memories will lose their power over you. Your reactions at the moment are normal given the trauma you have experienced x

[Lightness]

Hi Lizzy. My situation was similar to yours as i was isolated, had noone to help me leave and had my (detail removed by moderator). I ended up driving myself to safety ((detail removed by moderator)). It took all the energy I could muster. I stayed in various places on the way to break up my journey including friends of friends and a (detail removed by moderator) hotel. He had no idea where I was and no warning. The most important thing is your safety. No need to concern yourself with him. He is responsible for himself.
The whole thing was horribly stressful but the best thing I have ever done. It’s been some time now and I have rebuilt a life surrounded by lovely new friends who wouldn’t dream of treating me as he did.
Sending you strength
Lightness X

[Lightness]

To reference Cheesequeen:

‘I had the hit by the bus period pretty much as soon as I realised what was happening’ – yep, me too. I could barely stand up. Somehow I got the strength to get out.

‘I didn’t sleep or eat’ – thankfully I did sleep and eat – a lot! I was eating and eating and the weight was just falling off of me because of the stress of living with him and finally realising the scary reality.

‘The only way I could describe it was as though I hadn’t actually lived through everything he’d done and just experienced everything all at once.’ – wow I love this – this is exactly how it felt. Once I got to safety I completely fell apart. I’m normally very together but I just let it all go – which is what I needed to help me get through and start to recover.

The early days are so hard and scary, but you WILL get through it. It’s been a good while for me now. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.
Be kind to yourself and get a lot of rest – it’s not surprising you’re exhausted.

[Lightness]

Hi Teabag

I reported it to the police ‘when i felt ready’.
I made a call to the police station first and arranged an appointment with them.
I wrote down a list of the abuse and took that with me so I didn’t have to verbalise it all.
I told them that I did not want them to do anything / press charges etc, but that it was purely for Clare’s Law purposes.
They had a series of questions that they went through with me and they noted the answers.
That was it.

Lightness x

[Lightness]

Sorry PurpleCloud, the C in cloud didnt come out.
Lx

[Lightness]

Hey Purple loud
Well done for sharing – it takes courage
It’s hard to leave when we think we ‘love’ them because of the trauma bond and because they wear a mask to pretend to be someone worthy of love. It is hard to accept that the real man is the abusive man and not the nice guy. As time goes on the mask slips more and more and the abuse escalates. They won’t stop until they destroy us or they will discard us. So either way there is no choice really – we don’t get the option of staying with the man with the mask – the actor who pretends to be capable of love. These men do not love. We are 100 per percent replaceable in their eyes. When they are being ‘nice’ they are manipulating us. How dare they.

I’m some years out now. For me, leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the best decision I have ever made.

Even though I am some years out I still notice the little acts of kindness and respect that friends and strangers show every day. Noone tells me I am worthless. Someone called me marvelous! Noone shoves or groped me. People hold the door open for me rather than slam it in my face. Now I know how normal people treat each other and I see how toxic my situation was. I used to feel like I had no future and no joy. Now I feel 20 years younger and I count my lucky stars daily. I’m so proud that I took control and have changed my future.

Well done for sharing. I really recommend learning as much as you can about these men so you can make the decisions that are right for you.
Lx

[Lightness]

hi Ariel
Are you able to phone the helpline for some practical advice?
Are your children with you? Have you left him and are you in a safe place? Are you able to ignore him (ie. not let him in) if he comes round?
L

[Lightness]

Just popping in to share a little of my experience, I hope it helps a little. I am now some time out of a long relationship with my abusive ex. Christmas was always difficult with him. He hated Christmas. He did his best to stop me enjoying it and he took away my freedom to choose how/where/with whom I spent the holiday season. It was a very depressing and often humiliating time of year for me.

I am now some time out of the relationship. I don’t do anything ‘amazing’ (i.e. tv ad style) for Christmas and sometimes spend the day alone, but I do now have the freedom to spend my time how I like and without fear of humiliation and drama. I am so grateful that I was in a position to make the break for freedom. It was really really tough to leave, but never ever give up the right you have to choose your freedom and happiness.

Lx

[Lightness]

thelightinme

You might want to block him on your phone or change your number. Continuing to talk directly to him gives him power and allows him to continue to control and abuse you – that will hinder your all important recovery.

No contact or ‘grey rock technique’

L x

[Lightness]

Whatever you do he will be angry. You can be as reasonable as can be, but abusers are not normal. Just leave. You owe him nothing.
I left without discussion – best decision I made. I felt so guilty at the time but looking back now I see things so much more clearly. If you were held hostage would you discuss leaving? It’s not so different to that really.

[Lightness]

I’ve already told you but you never listen

You have a low pain threshold

You are like your relative with Alzheimer’s

I don’t remember that

Your memory is really poor

You have achieved nothing with your life

[Author]

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