Mimosa

[Mimosa]

My ex went on and on about having chunks of his childhood missing from his memory, how he was assaulted by a teacher at primary school too. He abused our under 12 year old son and daughter. Yet he maintained his ‘victim’ status in his head. They are pitiful and dangerous, saying stuff all the time but he consciously chose to be abusive to me and his children.

[Mimosa]

Hello!

Yes there is. For each of us.. Hold that line and defend it in your head because for me, despite a decade plus of trying to leave one thing will tip the balance, you’ll see small scale stuff and blank some out maybe but one day they will go beyond the line for you personally and that’s when you know you have to take action. But plan, seek support and guidance and be safe! Mine was the day he assaulted our son on his head, he was at primary school, we were told not to talk about it. After that I knew I had to get him out. He pushed his way back. Was disgustingly horrible to get revenge. Was arrested. Had a prison sentence and a long term restraining order. He is out now and being extra vile and blaming it all on me but so what! I expected nothing less from him. Plus!he is not here with me and our children. So he then tried family court but Cafcass officer was incredible and saw exactly what he was made of and his games. No contact at all recommended, then he pulled out. Hence he’s poking me with other things but the difference in our children with no contact is amazing and I am slowly healing too.

Draw the line and hold fast! You can do this. They very seldom change. The Cafcass officer told me 2 out of about 2000 she’s worked with made a shift and worked hard to be better. Mine is not one of them! If he hadn’t hurt my son again but in a more damaging way I would have likely be still in it and our children would be suffering too.

Hold the line. It’s yours, you have put up a firm boundary again. Dig in, get your resources and supplies and take cover. If you need reinforcements we are here.

Take care x

[Mimosa]

Hi Scapegoat

This reads like my life, the shoving, spitting in my face (it’s actually classed as assault), constant criticism, monitoring and nothing good enough. Do they get a manual for this stuff, because I had the same treatment? He wont change so you have to make that move. I never thought I could do it but I did and you can too. He may hurt your children like we experienced which was my catalyst for getting out, but being in a toxic environment is damaging in itself. Even now after time in prison and a restraining order for many years being put in place he is telling people I set him up and he isn’t that bad. They justify their behaviour by keeping up the narrative. Unfortunately or him I have audio recordings which evidenced his behaviour to the police, CPS and court and CAFCASS. We both know the truth, he is just denying it still. It will be difficult but you can do it. You deserve so much more from your own life. They very rarely change, I spent over (detail removed by moderator) trying to be perfect for him, compromising my existence and our children’s. The damage they cause is immense. You will never achieve what he wants because it will change as soon as you do or he’ll add another rule or requirement.
Noone should scare you or harm you. You can do this but get all the advice help you can to keep safe and plan

Best wishes
Mimosa
‘It always seems impossible until it’s done’. Nelson Mandela

 

[Mimosa]

Hi Tinkerbell2

Sounds just like mine a few years ago, he did everything you said. Right up in my face, bulging cold and angry eyes, shouting, spitting at me, swearing calling me all sorts of horrible things, throwing stuff at me and going to punch me but always missing so as not to leave a lasting mark. Clever!!

You’ll notice the nice bit gets less and less and the ‘moodiness’ increases as he becomes more volatile. I tried so hard to make everything perfect to placate him, but whatever I did would be wrong and then he’d add another rule or change the rules I thought I’d learned and done well at so they no longer mattered. It was sick!

When we ‘split up’ with a lot of help from the criminal justice system even friends we’d had for decades could not believe it of him, he was so charming, outside the house and car, he was a super Dad and amazing husband and we had everything it seemed to them but when no-one was around he was monstrous, but no-one saw so no-one knew. But it got worse and worse and more frequent. I wasted years because I was too scared to leave him. Turns out I was right to be afraid.

I used to read those 2 books too under the duvet when he was asleep and they really helped me to understand his tactics. If you can call the helpline or the live chat. The lovely ladies helped me to understand things better at every stage. It is him not you, every day he has a choice to be a decent human being but that doesn’t help him fill the void so he chooses to use power and control to scare, confuse and manipulate you and keep you on your toes to weaken your fear mechanism. Each time he establishes a new ‘norm’and it will keep getting worse. It isn’t you, you sound like a decent person, you’ve tried to tell him you feel scared, someone who loves you would respond to that and feel awful about it.

He has no right to treat you like this. Knowledge is power, contact Women’s Aid, read the books if you can, find info online, like the Freedom Programme and on twitter. He is on his own in this, you have an army behind you in us and we are fierce, and also kind!!!

Stay safe though especially with your tech and phone. Keep playing the game too in my experience, they will increase tactics if they feel things are different. mine kept saying he couldn’t put his finger on it but I was up to something, I was actually doing the freedom programme in secret and it was helping me rebuild my self esteem and realise I was worth something to the world. The first 6 weeks I went to the programme I couldn’t even say I’d like a cup of tea when I was offered one because I didn’t feel I deserved someone making one for me. It took me a while to understand I wasn’t mad, an idiot, useless, ugly or as vile as he said.

It was so hard to get through recent months and I still have ups and downs as my brain and body processes the trauma I went through with my ex. I’m doing the recovery toolkit programme (which follows the freedom programme once you’re out for a bit) and I have met someone amazing, who respects me, who helps me out with things, I can talk to him about stuff and have fun with him and share the things I like to do as well as the things he likes to do, he looks at me with kind, soft eyes and says I am good at stuff, and nice things like I am beautiful, gentle, funny and smart. We challenge each other too in a healthy way and that is so refreshing! It feels so different to what I had before.

There is life on the other side.

take care x

[Mimosa]

Hi Happiermex

Keep sharing and seek help. I know what you mean, it is an actual physical pain, and it hurts so much. I had trained myself to imagine not having to wake up with him using my body, being vile all day again so thinking of suicide became an escapist strategy as I couldn’t see I’d get out any other way. But then I found courage I didn’t know I had and I did get free with my children. And then afterwards I can remember when I felt I couldn’t get through another night of the pain of it, so many thoughts, no feelings, just pain, but I was free by then so felt I should be ecstatic so then told myself was failing at being free now! I couldn’t do or feel much at all as I was so damaged and the chemicals in my brain from the stress and anxiety of years of his terrorism of me had to re-calibrate. This happened for weeks. But it got better gradually. Still hurts sometimes, but it’s much better. I’m doing the Recovery Toolkit which follows the Freedom Programme once you are free and it is brilliant.

You’re allowed to feel less than perfect, you need time to heal. Little steps. You can do this x

[Mimosa]

Thank you so much for your kindness Eggshells and AlwaysSorry. Not accessed my messages for a long time, sorry, just wasn’t able to deal with my thoughts back then. Last year I wished I hadn’t started this, this year I am so thankful I did it and amazed at what I have achieved.

The Samaritans and the helpline were a lifeline to me when things were really difficult last summer. I was feeling so bad for him like I had been trained to do, my head was a mess because of the justice and the injustices that also occurred. But I came through it. I wasn’t able to talk about those things for ages, but I just got to another stage in my recovery and I can talk about it now and here I am. I heard on the news today that people are struggling and my heart goes out to them, I can only imagine what my children and I would be experiencing now with him here.

You’re right, I really struggled when the outcome happened and it hurt so much and I was so damaged by several decades of living with him that I found healing a massive uphill journey, but gradually the pain has subsided and I am moving forward again and my children are thriving. Thank you all x

[Mimosa]

Hi Random

Keep safe and get help. I never thought I would get out and be one of the ones on the other side, it took me a few years from when I was first on here. I just read some of my posts from back then and I love that woman I was for keeping going. I wrote:’Little steps, every day brings me more back into being myself. And one day I’ll be brave enough to scoop up my darling children and leave him!’ and I did it! So can you because this is horrible and it will only get worse. Constant contradictions and criticism become the norm, like he says I have to have an omelette every day, so you get loads of eggs and always have some ready and then you’ll get ‘I said I never wanted to eat eggs again, why do we have all these eggs! You know I am allergic to eggs anyway, you’ve done this on purpose, you’re an idiot, you’re evil, you’re f*cking the egg stacking person at the supermarket on the egg stack!!! (I made this up, but experienced a million similar things). It is tragic that they are so empty they have to do this to get a fix.

I was totally numb at the end, didn’t express any emotions, permanent poker face. My fear mechanism was dulled so much I accepted things that I would have thought ‘Danger! Run!’ about earlier in the relationship. I read Gavin de Becker ‘The Gift of Fear’ which helped me to understand some of that stuff. Trust your gut. It is wrong and you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. You are not on your own, you have us, we know all the things they are capable of and nothing surprises us. You can do this. The Freedom Programme is brilliant and there is information online for free whilst things are not available. But plan carefully and keep safe, especially online.

Much love
Mimosa

PS KIP – It hadn’t ever occurred to me that the honeymoon period disappeared because he didn’t need to use it anymore! I always wondered why he dropped it, but I was so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and shut down he had no need to use more energy, of course! Thank you!

[Mimosa]

Hello

It does feel like it will never get better, but it does and then out of nowhere it feels like it won’t ever again and then it does and each time the feeling that things could actually one day be ok lasts a little bit longer. I’m not there yet but if I look back a few months, weeks, days or hours even I am moving forward, I am healing. Keep going! We all know your pain and how tiring it can all be. Healing takes time. I learned that from KIP and all the other lovely ladies sharing their journeys. I still find it hard, but even if I have to crawl I push myself to keep going. Sometimes the mental and emotional pain literally hurts so much though.

Be kind to yourself. You have been through something that no-one should have to endure and I’m sending love to anyone who is not able to get free right now.

Every second of every day that you get through is a triumphant step. There, we just did a few more!!

Much love
Mimosa

[Mimosa]

Hi Anonymous and welcome!

It can really help to write it down, share what you can with us, we’ve got a massive shared history here so someone will be able to help you.

I’ve had years of mental abuse, but I’m out now and rebuilding me and my children. I never thought we would be free. The first step is awareness and you have achieved that already!

To quote Nelson Mandela “It always seems impossible until it is done.”

Much love
Mimosa

[Mimosa]

Hi Blossoms

There is no shame in being an abused person, or as we say on here ‘a survivor’!! The only shame is on him for perpetrating this, and for you and your children missing out on a more decent and happier existence.

You are surviving a horrible situation every day and supporting your children and no doubt wearing a mask to the world because you have to pretend everything is great! I did it for over two decades. It gets worse and harder to wear the mask. It will increasingly impact on your physical health and your psychological well-being. But you will recover if you can get out and the same is true for your children. You cannot protect them 100% from this, however hard you try as they are being exposed to unhealthy relationship models and behaviours in some way every day, especially if you have to do everything as a family unit and not spend time with other people through being isolated.

Keep safe please, now you have this new awareness this is a really dangerous time because he will sense a change in you unless you can keep it really well hidden and do all your usual behaviours.

This sounds like my life. Blame you, minimise what he did, deny he even did it anyway! Mine wished my sick relatives would die, then they did and when I was distraught with grief, I should get over it because people die. No care, no understanding. He called me all sorts of names, mostly with b*tch and c*nt included. Made threats and used intimidatory violence, nothing that would leave a mark. But I thought I could manage it and that we should stay together for our children. It will have a detrimental impact on you and them. Things escalated and I kept drawing new boundaries. Then he hurt our child and that was the end point and I found the courage to end it, then he found a way back in. Then he did something that ended it for good and he was removed. I wish I had got out sooner and stayed out.

It is really difficult to do this and excruciatingly painful and you will feel a million different things, but you are already strong and resilient and can dig a bit deeper to do this. But take your time and be prepared, get all the help you can from this forum and the helpline and do the Freedom Programme or get the book. It took me three years from when I first decided I had to get out to leaving him finally and he was so manipulative I had to do it more than once and be punished. Then he made it easier by doing something really horrible and I had all the assistance I could possibly need to get him out (saving Lisa an editing job there I hope!!).

I used to read from ladies who are out on here and wish I had the secret power they had. I already had it and it is already inside of you. He has no right to treat you and your children like this. He has no ability to empathise and has a need to have everything be about him – his need is a black hole and you will never be able to fill it, even if you sacrifice yourself every day trying to meet it.

There is life and light on the other side. Thinking of you.

Much love
Mimosa

[Mimosa]

It’s all game play. I am so disillusioned
(detail removed by moderator). The Police have just done the same. So only coercive control charge left which no doubt will go the same way as the other two charges. So I give up now. The perpetrator wins. What a waste of my bravery recording him, and the resulting evidence. No-one told me either! Should have stayed as I was. Now I may be just a statistic. Feel so let down. I hope you have a better experience

[Mimosa]

Hi Landy

I’m in the same position as you and it is so stressful.

I have been waiting for a few months for a decision from the CPS and his bail keeps being extended which makes me nervous every time it is coming to an end of the bail period and there is no news. I feel like I’m in limbo, but then again I am also terrified of what will happen next once the CPS have made their decision. At least I’m not with him and me and my children have some time to begin to heal as he can make absolutely no contact and I am grateful for that!

Take care
Mimosa
x

[Mimosa]

Hi SS

This is all going to be a bit rambly as I’m a few (detail removed by moderator) out, but I hope it helps you to find some courage to carry on your journey.

It is difficult – it took me ages to call the helpline, then when I called they were busy helping other women so I finally left a message saying when they could safely call me back and they phoned back within 2 hours. Then I couldn’t find the words to say why I was calling and the lady on the other end was so kind and reassuring, asking me questions to help me find a way to open up about what was happening to me. It felt so much better to know that the ridiculous and horrible things he did and the way I felt was real and that he was doing it on purpose and that people were there to listen and help.

We know MH is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just like physical health – one in four people will have a mental health problem in any year, and although society is slowly shifting on attitudes to MH, it’s still a weapon for the archaic thinking of the abuser who latches on to the idea of MH stigma to attack. Perlease! I was told by him for years that I needed sectioning and that he would get custody of our children if I ever decided to leave him – so I didn’t, until now. And guess what? Neither were true! Just another way to get power and control over me. My confidence and self esteem have undoubtedly suffered and I expect I have some MH matters I’m not aware of yet as I am still exhausted and unravelling. Also where I was being resilient in my head I thought, my body was only able to tolerate so much stress and I had some serious physical health issues come and go. But I’m feeling so much better in body and mind now I am beginning to get ‘me’ back and getting the necessary support for myself and my children.

Support has been key all through my journey to freedom! Since phoning the helpline, I have done the 12 week Freedom Programme which highlighted areas of abuse in my relationship that I wasn’t even aware of, I’ve read a lot (the freedom programme book, Lundy Bancroft and others). I have talked to my family, my friends, my boss, my colleagues, paramedics, the police, hospital Dr, my GP, an outreach support worker at a refuge, Children’s Social Services, Domestic abuse services and the helpline and the lovely ladies on this forum. When I feel low about something in the middle of the night, I search on here and read all the kindness and know I am not alone even when everyone is asleep! It is so hard to talk about this and it sounds so ridiculous sometimes but you will be believed.

I had a couple of decades of this – things escalated and the frequency that had been months, weeks, days apart became everyday, then several times a day and he got more unpredictable and what he did got worse and worse, then he did several things that meant I could no longer tolerate being with him. But while he was getting worse to bring me down, I was getting stronger, and although they often get worse as we try to leave apparently, I had got to the point that although I played the game he had me in, I could keep my inner strength and build on it despite the power and control tactics he tried. I also had things on place he had no idea about, like doing the freedom programme, and I had a red flag on the house with the Police (who were amazing) which meant that when I called them, they knew there were some serious issues and came asap. Because of what he did he was removed and things are pending. But Children’s Social Services consider I am a good mother and can keep my children safe and well, so all the rubbish he said about me was just his vileness!

These professionals are trained and should know what they are looking for and however charming he can be, people trained in this stuff can see through the charade (in my experience any how). I have heard ‘oh they all do and say that’, ‘yes we’d expect to hear that’, ‘of course he’d say that, but I can see it’s not true’. Unfortunately this is a phenomenon that is widespread, but this means it is also fairly well researched and documented, so much so that theories and patterns can be applied to most circumstances.

I do hope you can find the space and courage to call the helpline. Sometimes we have to say the words out loud and get them validated by another kind soul to acknowledge it’s real. This is your life, not his.

Much love
Mimosa
x

[Mimosa]

Hello all!

I’m out again!!!

I got out – then he crept back in – and now I am out again! And because of what he did recently he has to be no contact with us and that has made all the difference. The lack of chaos and the peace and calm is giving us time to heal. In the future I will set up an email address just for communicating with him because we will have to eventually communicate about the children etc.

The impact on my physical and mental health and wellbeing has been immense though and I feel like everyday is a colossal effort but I tell myself ‘I choose to do this’ whatever comes up. Better than living a half life being bullied and controlled by him. And for what? I would have done anything for him without him being so very horrible. I pity him in his inner world of weirdness, although on reflection, it was only directed at me and he could be ok with most other people!

This time I know all his strategies and hopefully I’m ready for it. I am lucky in that I have wonderful family and friends and also now lots of other professional support – the police have been brilliant, the officers knew about the freedom programme and coercive control.

So, I’m gradually finding who I am again. When I do something that I couldn’t have done with him around it delights me to have my freedom back, something like having a cup of tea with a friend, or reading a book in bed! Seriously, it was that bad! Power and control! ARRRGGHHH!

Love to you all and never give up x
Mimosa

[Mimosa]

You are doing so brilliantly! I got out (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had all the same thoughts as you, about betraying him (he was in a being less nasty phase!), coping, whether it was the right decision, the effect on my children etc.

It took me years to do this because of fear and the conditioning I’d been exposed to. I am coping, basically I am doing everything I was doing before, but without the tantrums, stress, put downs, name calling, threats, demands for perfection in everything and entitlement to sex etc etc.

It is hard emotionally for me and my children but alongside the sad times we are more calm and relaxed and have had genuine laugh out loud fun which didn’t happen much before.

He is trying all kinds of tactics to get back in but can’t use his total power anymore because I’ve got some of my own again! I’ve got brilliant family and friends and I’ve done the Freedom Programme and  going to do the Recovery Toolkit course, read loads (It’s my life now and Lundy and Bancroft’s etc) so have awareness of tactics etc. I’ve also had brilliant support from a refuge drop in centre and this forum. Get all the help you can because you will need it.

I feel your pain, my brain felt like a tangle then like cotton wool, my emotions were scattered and I was totally exhausted. I remember looking in the mirror the day I literally shut him out from my life as my ‘partner’ saying ‘I can do this’. And I did. The fear was immense, but it gave me the rush of adrenaline I needed to function that day. My wonderful friend that helped me said it was like I was giving birth, all the stages, it was a good analogy and made me laugh when she’d say ‘You’re crowning, push, breathe, nearly there!’ but it also helped me remember I’d coped mentally, physically and spiritually with all sorts of massive unknowns before as a Mum.

Be kind to yourself after, I was hyper for days then totally shattered. Just ride the feelings and keep breathing. It is not an easy journey but it does get better every second of every day. I still can’t believe I am the other side of it, I tried for so long.

Just to be out of the daily toxic outbursts alone is reward enough. He is still my children’s Dad so I’m being reasonable to help everyone along. It is tough, but it is tougher thinking about the years I have spent trying so hard to make everything perfect for him and putting my own life and opportunities on hold. I am now reclaiming my body, mind and spirit from him and getting stronger all the time.

Keep safe. You can do this. You are a strong capable woman.

We are with you.

X

[Mimosa]

Be safe.

Phone the police. He will get worse and worse. No doubt. Do it for your children. Do it for you. You can do this. You are so brave. Keep safe. Get them and you out.X

[Mimosa]

Thank you Lisa and She-ra x

She-ra, you are incredible. The strength it takes to go through that abuse then do normal stuff like swimming and homework like nothing has happened is immense. You are more powerful than he can possibly imagine (Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars – look what happened there!). Ask the universe for help. Maybe I’m a hippy but you need to put it out there. It has taken me such a long time on this journey. But the end happened really quickly and it was one of the most massive things I have ever done. I had a really special friend who said to think of it like giving birth. When I was most afraid, it felt ok because the gift of all my effort would be the birth of a new life. Sounds batty I guess, but she kept telling me you’re fully dilated, you’re crowning, push, breathe, rest, just the shoulders to go. It was exhausting and a huge undertaking of all sorts of emotions and things didn’t fall into place as I had wanted which scared me, but then the adjustments to the plan were better than I could have put in place. I would say what I did but the lovely Lisa would remove it for me!! I have never felt fear like it in my life though and I’m shattered but surprisingly fine! At the end of the day, all I was doing was ending a relationship, which I’ve done before with other men in my life, but I have never been in genuine fear of my life before – and that means it definitely was not ‘normal’.

Try and do or find out about the freedom programme. You can get the book online or bits of it for free online, depending on how safe that would be for you obviously or use this forum safely. Do a search for key words from yiyr experience, you’ll get some Eureka! Moments for sure. The more you can talk about this, the more real it becomes and then it’s something tangible you can stand against and ultimately defeat. Support is the key, call the helpline,you likely won’t get through straight off because they are sadly very busy! This threw me, but when I did get someone it was amazing. I couldn’t find language for what I was experiencing but the lady was wonderful. Talk and get knowledge because that is empowering. Then you’ll start to get your inner strength back. And then you can start to work on things. Got to go now to do homework with mine. I’m thinking of you and sending you love. You can do it. Just get knowledge and build up your inner strength in readiness.

Hugs x

[Mimosa]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. Total rollercoaster ride, he’s doing everything I’ve read about others doing!! Like they get a manual on it. So I’m mostly one step ahead. Still scared though which is a good thing for now because it’s keeping me focused on our safety.

The sense of peace is amazing but mostly I still feel twitchy and anxious which is my habitual state of being at home. He’s been messaging the children and me, not respecting appropriate times for this contact. So I’ve had to spell it out and say I will block him if he carrys on. I know no contact would be better but for now I can manage what he’s doing I think. I still can’t believe he’s out. I just don’t know how I did it. Now I can focus on my children and our freedom from his tyranny. That would sound dramatic to anyone who’s not experienced this environment. I know you all know what I mean and it gives me such strength. My family and friends have been incredible too. Last night I was full of adrenaline again tidying up and on the phone to my friend until 2am just because I could. Never allowed to stay up, do what I want or call anyone before without major repercussions. How strange that seems now. All of the ever changing rules that bound me have just evaporated away. Yet they had governed every waking moment for me, to make everything perfect for HIM!!

Love to anyone that is feeling stuck. That window of opportunity will present itself one day. In the meantime get all the help you can, which is a colossal effort, just to say the word abuse, but you’re worth it and share and read on here when you can. I got to the point where I was so exhausted I could only read when I was rock bottom because everything was triggering me and I’m sorry I didn’t have the energy to help anyone else except with empathic and kind  thoughts and love. I dreamed of being on the other side like all you brilliant role models who have done it and are living it and sharing advice and care. And now I’m a newbie with you! And Lisa is still keeping me safe, taking out all the bits that could identify me, thank you Lisa!

This forum is such a fantastic resource. We’re building a knowledge base, an encyclopedia of abuse and survival.

Please please believe it is possible to get free. Even after years and years of it.

Thank you all x

[Mimosa]

Where do these men come from?! This all sounds like bits from my life. The control is so intense. I just said i had to get some basic stuff from the shop, he wouldn’t let me go! He went!! Everything is my fault, my failing, if only things were ‘insert whatever demand’…. for HIM!! I must never get cross, be upset, be affectionate, not want sex!! I had some wonderful feedback on a piece of work I’d done. But I can’t tell the man I live with (cant say husband anymore!) becos best case he will say so what, but be thinking how dare I have this acknowledgement despite the constraints he’s put on me. Worse case he’ll make me pay for it all weekend at least and he’s stroppy enough as it is! But in my head I am done with it all. He doesn’t know.

[Mimosa]

Please do call the helpline. It took me AGES to pluck up courage, I called several times but couldnt get through and didnt want to leave a message for the helpline to call me back. But eventually I did and the lady who called was lovely. I had a safe space to talk but then couldnt actually bring out the words. The lady was so brilliant and asked if I wanted to explore with questions instead as I didnt know where to start. This really helped. I felt validated by being heard, just to say the words out loud to someone I didnt know was good and she gave me lots of further info. She really helped me understand it wasnt my fault and in being exposed to this for  plus years without realising didnt make me weak or mad or naive, it made me someone who had just wanted to be a good partner. Still in this awful daily eggshell tiptoe but I am gaining strength and the helpline has really been an amazing help! The clue is in the name I guess!
Mimosa
X

[Mimosa]

Thanks for this! I’ve been struggling to remember people’s names, places, directions and facts- most stuff really! Work and my studies have been hard but I’m getting better, I can once again search in my head for the right words in a report or academic writing and it’s there, whereas until recently everything was a struggle. I also get a dull headache at the base of my head and neck and strangely started to feel that height of the shower head is too low, it feels claustrophobic and creates pressure on my head and neck. It’s starting to make more sense after reading this! He has gone away for a week on holiday. The week before I felt ill with the build up if pressure from him, with the tension building. Everyday an explosion about even the most banale things. Awful. But I could feel my body unravelling and my mind getting more lucid as it got nearer his departure date. So excited to wake up free of him for a few days and not to have the pressure of every tiny little thing needing to be 100% perfect for him or he’d throw a massive tantrum, swear, call me names, denegrate my family, criticise me, throw stuff, push me etc etc! I’m not ‘allowed’ to listen to music or radio, or read in bed because it disturbs him or offends him because I’m not giving my full attention to him. He can do whatever he likes! I am a strong, capable woman so when did I decide to go along with his rulings? I’m reading, checking out the forum for help and listening to music and it feels good! My body is still untangling but I know it will tighten up again as it gets nearer to him coming back, putting my defences back in place, living a half life of appeasement. Still working on the exit plan. Timing is everything!

Mimosa
X

[Mimosa]

You are all so inspirational! You make me feel like I can carry on even when he’s really being tricky and nasty.

I just got Lundy Bancroft’s Daily Wisdom for Why Does he do That? on my secret Kindle amazon account. I got the free sample but it’s so good I bought it. I just read ‘You deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are’. It made me cry, that the person who is supposed to be ‘my other half’, ‘my soulmate’, ‘my best friend’ etc etc despises me so much.

I’m going to make it a daily mantra, ‘I deserve to be seen and treasured for who I am’!!

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

Hi Memand

I found it incredibly difficult to write my stuff down for this forum, even harder to phone the Women’s Aid helpline. When I did speak to someone I couldn’t say the words, to admit to myself I was in an abusive relationship, to talk about the things he’d said and done, but she helped me and it felt so good to be understood and listened to, like it does to share experiences and support on here. I write notes of things on my phone and record him too in secret. When he’s not being nasty, it helps me to remember what he is capable of. Before I’d be thinking did I imagine it or was it just me. I have lost chunks of time not being present, it’s disassociation apparently. The helpline advised me to speak to my GP so they have a record. It might help with things in the future. So I’m going to be brave and do that. I’ll say something like I’m worried about my husband’s moods to start with I think. I’ve also got to speak to my parents. They know he’s quite stressy but don’t know the extent of his behaviour. My manager is wonderful and I have been open with her as things had got to a point where I could no longer separate his impact on me when I was at work. She’s arranged coaching for me which has really helped me to move forwards. I would say keep posting, sharing other ladies’ posts, I have had so much support and encouragement here and learned so much from others.

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

Sending you hugs!

You’re doing so well. It is so inspiring to hear from you. Just keep going LBP one day at a time, you’re nearly there.

Thanks for posting about your self harm. Until recently I would sometimes hold the tip of a knife against my skin, just to feel something, to feel in control of what I’m doing rather than him. I was so numb I couldn’t feel anything, no emotions, no real pain, just had to struggle on as a nothing. It connected me with my body, I didn’t want to hurt and damage myself, it just gave me something, it’s sharpness kind of woke me up a bit. It was normally after an explosion from him.  (Detail removed by moderator).

Also I was drinking a lot for a while, keeping myself hungry for maximum effect, swigging a glass of wine or spirits just before he was due back from work, I didn’t need to do it before he came home and it served to filter out a layer of his horribleness. That was no good for my body and mind and now I take a few drops of Bach Rescue Remedy instead to quell the anxiety I feel when he’s due home which has the same effect and is very calming and much better for me!

Now I’m at a different stage I feel, I’m waking up for real and I say to myself I’m ok, it’s my body, it’s all mine and isn’t ‘owned’ by him. And I love it and look after it again with nice pamper products. I only recently woke up to that from doing yoga, I looked at my legs doing some bendy posture I didn’t know it could do and I thought wow! you’re amazing legs, thanks for all you do for me! (Detail removed by moderator).  He hates me having anything for myself. (Detail removed by moderator). 

Little steps, every day brings me more back into being myself. And one day I’ll be brave enough to scoop up my darling children and leave him!

Good luck LBP!

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

Hi Haunted, welcome to the forum. I too am struggling with thinking I should have bern protecting my children more and sooner, should have realised his moods and tantrums wrre abuse, but he was always saying he was tired, he’d had too much coffee, he didn’t have enough coffee, he drank alcohol, he needs a totally tidy house to be able to think straight and be happy, or he ate something with cheese in, or chocolate, or he had too much carbs, or he didn’t have enough protein… so I had to excused his appalling behaviour because he always had a ‘rational’ reason for it! Yet how does a little one comprehend seeing their dad in a rage and their mum in pieces or numbed out? I am still trying to forgive myself for being too soft, but I’d rather be gentle than a tyrant! It’s hard to give myself forgiveness because of the chaos my wonderful children have been witness to. I only recently joined but the impact on my thinking and feelings has been immense. It’s so hard for family and friends to understand what it’s like sometimes, yet on here we have common ground so can relate to each other more empathically I think. Writing it down has helped so much so I want to say thanks for reading my essay everyone and thanks so much for your support and encouragement. I read my stuff and it’s like they’re not my words. But I feel them and I feel I’m listened to and feel the support offered with genuine kind intent. Spending a lot of time in an emotional vacuum with no affection or basic care at best has left me numb for so long, but now I’m feeling stuff and I notice the impact on my children. They know a person’s intent and mine was to protect them and try to keep Daddy happy. I’m working on unpicking it all, it’s massively complicated. Not being alone makes a huge difference. Keep posting and reading and call the helpline if you can. They were a brilliant help too, just to hear a friendly voice acknowledge my pain as real was incredible and added to the support from this wonderful forum of amazing women!

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

Thanks Confused123 for your kind words. I’ve been in this for over two decades, always wondering why I got on with everyone else, why my employer says I do well when everything I do at home is wrong or never good enough, why I’m always late in his words but usually on time in my experience, why I’d lost contact with friends and wasn’t allowed to call or see my own family as much as I’d like to, why my life was getting narrower and narrower, why he could be so very mean one minute and super nice and over affectionate the next… Little bits of the puzzle were falling into place very slowly, then my wonderful manager organised coaching sessions for me, I found this forum, got Lundy Bancroft’s book and it all started falling into place as I worked things out and found it wasn’t me after all but more importantly that I’m not alone! Every post I read is helping me to understand and recognise things I didn’t even notice in my own life.

Lots has happened super fast in the last week or so following an amazing lightbulb moment!!! It was just as other women on here have described. It was an incredible feeling. It was sparked by his awful behaviour on a Friday which I have a better understanding and awareness of from my books and posts on here. Suddenly I could see it all like I had the ‘Teacher’s book’ with all the answers! Inside I was cool and calm and predicting his next moves and watching them being played out! This sounds like a pantomime writing it down and of course it’s only my perspective, but the events have helped the seed of change within me begin to germinate! I also recorded a lot of it secretly on my phone so have all the nuances. Making quick notes helps to remember how bad an episode was but recording even just voices is so powerful. I can hear his tone, his choice of words, his mimicry of me, his whistling and singing, how scared I was throughout and how he didn’t show one tiny bit of compassion or empathy. The times he has done similar things before and I have been so numb to it, I just blocked it out or clutched on to his being nice afterwards because I wanted to believe he was the man I thought I’d married again. Episodes used to be spread out but are now nearly everyday, he is just making this untenable for me.

I’ll share the lightbulb moment because it was so pivotal for my journey and might help others and writing things down like this is really helping me because no-one here doubts this is real, so thanks for giving me the opportunity. So, I ran a training course at work with a colleague; it puts a lot of pressure on me as I only run a course (this one) once a year, but I also love running it and like the feeling of stretching and developing myself, which will also ultimately benefit me professionally and with my studies now and in the future. It also comes straight off the back of the Christmas break when I am probably at my most stressed and depleted energetically having spent time making Christmas a fun time for my children, mostly through appeasing my husband, literally just trying to survive without setting his fuse off it feels at times. I was definitely not allowed to practice or prepare at home! And it’s interesting to note that I don’t recall ever putting him in charge, or needing his overarching control – but the path is so littered with eggshells it’s become less of a painful effort to capitulate!

For the course this year we did the session a couple of times as it was a big cohort. I was exhausted when I got home, but so pleased I’d been able to run the sessions – before Christmas I thought there was no way I could, but didn’t pull out because I needed to show myself I could do it. I said to him how well it had gone (mistake number one) and how much I’d enjoyed it and working with my colleague and the people on the course (mistake number two) and that some of them I knew from my studies too (mistake number three). He was tired (I appreciate he does work hard) and so I made dinner for us all as usual and we had a fairly nice evening. My children had their baths, he was relaxing and playing music , I did the tidying up, got my children ready for bed, sorted out the animals for the night then thought I’d like to have a bath to relax a bit and listen to some music, which I said to him. But he doesn’t really listen to me or acknowledge what I’ve said usually, but will let me know swiftly if he’s not happy about something – he didn’t so I thought it was ok with him. The children were ready for bed but when I got to the bathroom I decided to have a quick shower instead. I thought he would get them settled in bed and carry on with the story they are reading (he likes to do the bedtime story, I wish I could but it’s his activity).

When I got out of the bathroom all hell had broken loose and he was angry they hadn’t gone to bed because I’d been lounging in the bath. I have read several women on the forum whose partners go apoplectic if they have a bath. It seems a shower is ok as it’s functional but a bath infers space for relaxing and time away from being ‘on call’. I couldn’t get a word in to tell him I hadn’t been in the bath and I hadn’t been ‘indulging’ or actually that long time wise. My son was over tired and wanted to finish a drawing he was doing. Husband got cross and went to grab my son and drag him by his leg again like he’d done before once when I was so mortified I couldn’t even move with the hideousness of his behaviour. But I am stronger now, I could feel his anger, he was red and spitting as he talked with hard cold eyes but I stood up for my son, moved into his space to stop him reaching my son, stood completely firm and determined and said how dare you, stop doing that, I won’t let you do that, it’s not acceptable. His look was incredulous. For a split second I thought he would push me or hit me, I thought ‘Go on do it!’ which sounds very odd, but my thought was it would deflect attention from my son and also could give me harder evidence to strengthen my case. But how sick for my children to experience this episode. I wasn’t afraid, I was on fire and absolutely livid that he could even think about taking that action with our son – again. But he held it in, shouting instead, stomping around, saying he was leaving and had had enough of me, that he was going and speeding off in his car only to return 10 minutes later (as predictable as ever).

I got my children calmed down and to bed whilst he was out, thinking he might also calm down or if he would escalate, it is difficult to say which will happen when he flips out. It was hard to see the impact on them. I have been so numb to it so much before and felt like I had ‘woken up’. Sometimes he seems to reflect on things, apologise, usually with a big fat caveat about how it was my fault anyway for whatever had caused him to lose his temper. Then he’d be all sweetness until the next time, which is happening so frequently at least there is not much agony waiting for the build up! He came back in the same mood so then I was wondering what he would pick on – usually it’s housework but everything was pretty well ordered in the main rooms, but of course he picked on something that hasn’t bothered him that much before but suddenly had been causing him offence for ages!!, (as predicted) the pile stuff on my chest of drawers, saying he’d asked me to tidy it up over Christmas (nicely, he emphasised), forgetting that whenever I’d gone to reorganise it myself over the holidays and before he’d said not to do it then or I was trying to avoid him or some other reason why I couldn’t spend the time sorting out my books and papers, make-up, jewellery and things as I’d like to organise them rather than having to just pile up stuff because he’d commandeered the new unit I’d got for that purpose. He barged me out of the way, shoved everything onto the floor as I was reaching to sort it out and stormed off. I put it in a bag so I could sort it on the table and he marched back in and grabbed it and emptied my things all over the bed.

He stormed off to another room so I shut and tried to lock the door, I was scared and leaned up against it because I heard him coming back, saying I needed some space. He barged the door before I got the catch in which pushed me backwards. He said that I was not to shut him out of his room and that I should clear up my mess on the bed so I started sorting my papers and things. I was inside smiling because I was glad to have the opportunity to do it! After a bit he marched off again so I shut the door and got the catch in this time, I leaned against the door, but he pushed it again and broke the cast iron mechanism, the force of it hurt my arm and hand and I scream on the recording. He was so angry, shouting horrible things, I said who put you in charge and he said he did as I was mental and needed sectioning because of the mess (some washing that was ready to be put away, my stuff and a chaotic airing cupboard from having guests at Christmas, my summer work clothes and storing up the children’s old clothes for my brother’s family). Not as organised as I’d like either, but there are better uses of time on occasions and it didn’t constitute a health and safety hazard to anyone!

He said he was staying up all night til it was done, I replied I would do it in the morning. He said I was to stay up too (I predicted that) so I did, just to get the things done I’d wanted to do but never had ‘permission’ for – it was ok now because now it was proof of how useless I am and it was something he was demanding get done!! I recorded him again for hours. It makes me feel sick to listen to it but choice highlights were that he should slit the animals’ throats! Also when I got upset he put on a high voice and a cringing posture and said ‘Ooh I’m such a victim, it’s so awful’ – he then told me that my ‘… reaction to any kind of violence’ showed that I had been abused before (which I definitely haven’t perhaps with the exception of an alcoholic boyfriend for a few months at university who was incredibly arty and attractive but so vile when he was drunk that I ended the relationship with him, even though he said he’d die if I did (he didn’t)!). I calmly repeated to my husband ‘No I haven’t’ which he really didn’t like so he picked on my Dad (I am very close to my parents, more so than he is to his) and said it must have been him!!! Ridiculous!! So I carried on repeating my truth, saying, no I haven’t a number of times, calmly and matter of factly. He then went twisting on to another subject. Just odd and confusing!

The thing I picked up on listening to the recording was how he said my ‘… reaction to any kind of violence’, I didn’t hear the word ‘violence’ at the time, but it was there on the recording and was chilling. An interesting choice of word for his own behaviour given the dictionary definition of violence. Eventually at 2am I said I was going to bed – he got angrier, but I just did it as I had finally finished organising the things I had wanted to for so long and was so very tired! He then decided to reorganise the bedroom furniture, banging and crashing around, but I did a breathing meditation silently with my eyes shut and was so tired that after a little while I feel asleep. He said he stayed up until gone 4am tidying but I left the voice recorder running all night so I know exactly when he stopped and it wasn’t long after I had fallen asleep! I have also read on the forum about sleep deprivation and have experienced it a great number of times before from him but never understood that there was a strategy at play and that it was abusive – just that I wasn’t good enough at doing things!

At work on the Monday my super manager kindly gave me the time and space to call the Women’s Aid helpline in privacy. I have been trying to do it for ages but I wasn’t ready and then over Christmas I realised I am never alone long enough to be able to make the call at home. Do call them! It was so very hard to do, harder than being on a forum for abuse and it took me a few minutes to be able to dial, then all lines were busy and it said to leave a message and they’d call back. I hung up and redialled several times but I left a message in the end and they called back. I couldn’t speak, didn’t know where to start, but the lady was lovely and helped me out a lot. She knew exactly what I was talking about and could answer all my questions. She also gave me a legal advice line number, details for a support group where I can get some specific counselling and explored the next steps with me. I need to collect evidence like the recording I made, write notes (I have a note book hidden on my phone and have been jotting stuff down), log how things are with my GP (making an appointment for this week) and call the helpline whenever I need to. I was pleased each caller can have a number so I won’t have to go through it all again, but can move forwards.

It has really concerned me recently that I didn’t decide to end things sooner, but the helpline lady explained that trying to be an empathic, decent partner committed to a relationship had entailed me trying to make things work and supporting the other person – so in trying to understand why he threw things at me or punched the wall by me, or whatever, I was still thinking the best of him and trying to support him. So I’m glad that I haven’t let myself down and have been the person I thought I was who would seek to provide help and support. I know I have done enough now though and can accept that I need to move on for my children to have a more harmonious home life and to fulfil my own potential too. There has to be something attentive, affectionate, gentle, honest, reciprocal, fun, supportive for growth, liberating, reflective and respectful in a relationship too. And things can be challenging, that’s ok, but no-one has to be cruel! I know that! People can be nice to each other, that’s what my parents have modelled for me, what I’ve experienced in previous relationships. I wonder why I let this happen with him and why he does what he does, but know now that’s not my problem!

I feel like I’m in the getting ready for readiness stage right now as I’m still processing things as it’s finally all coming together, but very fast. I’m still reading books and posts on the forum. But even now I’m feeling like I should be giving him yet another chance. But I know I don’t want to, or have to. I’ve done that so often and he can be ‘nice’ for just about three days before things creep back in. Now it’s nearly everyday! It’s a rotten way to live and it has made me less than I know can be. But most importantly I owe it to my children so they can have happy and healthy relationships now and in the future.

Mimosa

[Mimosa]

I’m studying too and my husband hates it! Even though we talked about it before I applied and agreed it when my application was shortlisted, for interview I don’t think either of us thought I’d get a place. I did well at interview and I was awarded funding too so it isn’t costing us anything!I was over the moon and to be fair he did congratulate me but has used it as a weapon ever since. I don’t study when my children are up, have to spend the evening with him and then work on my studies from 11pm ish. Not everyday or I’d fall apart! So I’m always feeling I need to do more. There is so little support from him because he is so jealous. I have to go to conferences and things, so I end up travellibg late at night to fit with him, arriving at 2am or 3am usually because they’re generally miles away. Then I have to try and function, do networking, enjoy the conference and get something out of it! But being away from him is so liberating! I feel energised talking to people who actively listen to me, that I can have my own opinion on something and it is valid, that I can debate a point without fearing the other person will call me something nasty, give me a list of all my faults and failings or throw something at me!

He hates it because it benefits me, it gives me opportunity to develop myself and opens doorways. I did it on my own so it’s proof that I am not as rubbish as he makes out! He sees that as a threat. I have supported him for a number of years with a career change but he has chosen to overlook that because it’s my duty. I would dearly love him to be interested in my research but he just ridicules it. Yesterday I found out I’d won some funding I’d applied for to run a project. I can’t tell him because he’ll add it to his weaponry. That’s very sad, but I am genuinely fearful of how he’ll use it against me. That is not ‘normal’, whatever normal is! Enjoy your studies, do your best as this is a moment in time and you might not do it again. Sounds like you can still set some boundaries perhaps. No-one should expect a reply in 30 minutes! I have the opposite, when I go away I message him to say I’ve arrived but get nothing back. He’s so cross I think that he can’t show any care or thoughtfulness. That’s not healthy.

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

I’ve just had another dire weekend. I love Mondays! I can relate to the goading but I’ve been emotionless and numb for so long probably since my children came along which was when he really escalated things. So he has to work pretty hard to get anything from me. Except I’ve been finding a path through it and finally came through the FOG last weekend. He bad mouths my family, my friends, my work colleagues, my job, where I work, what I do, my studies, my aspirations, my parenting, my cleaning, my coooking, my appearance, my hobbies (what’s left of my interests he hasn’t taken over!), my taste in music, my books… I could go on. To get a reaction he’ll try anything. I’ve been in this for over 20 years. You’ve spotted it early. Go grab your life! I didn’t know why I was so bad at everything, turns out every other area of my life is wonderful, and I wasn’t the problem! He will escalate things and it really hurts as they box you in. Finally I am pulling a plan together for me and my little ones.

Good luck, it’s hard but you can do it. Alone we are powerful women, together we are mighty!

Mimosa
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[Mimosa]

Hi

This all sounds so familiar! It’s ok to have a quick shower because that’s functional. I can’t think when I last dared to have a bath! Of course he can wuth music, insense sticks, the works! I didn’t notice til I read these posts so thanks for sharing.

This weekend we were in the kitchen cooking and he grabbed me and kissed me and said ‘I want to c**e on your t***’. I am physically nearly sick and cry (but have learned to disguise it) if I am intimate with him so I tried to fob him off with a joke, saying ‘Oh well! You’re only human!’ He replied ‘No. I’m your husband, I’m entitled’. I replied ‘No you’re not!!!’. That was a mistake. He went wild shouting and swearing, listing all the many ways I fail him as a wife. Red faced, spitting as he moved his lips, cold eyes then he grabbed an egg and threw it near me. I was shocked by his words, and the things he does to ‘seduce’!!! me make a lot more sense. I seldom dare to say no thanks when i really don’t want to. Now I know a little more about his twisted thinking. Knowledge is power! Although he was mean for most of the weekend to make me pay for standing up to him when he didn’t expect it! I also left the egg for him to clear up which he did, making a point how clean things were after ge’d done it. Marvellous!

Mimosa

[Mimosa]

Hi Cuppa

Thanks for sharing, I’ve also lost chunks of time, make lists which seem unachievable. He expects the moon on a stick – everyday! He’s away so there’s no daily pressure, just his expectations for when he comes back. I know nothing will be to his satisfaction. I want to not care what he’s going to say or do, but I’m dreading it. So whatever things were like for you, it’s going to take time for you to adjust to living without those pressures of having to do EVERYTHING and DO IT NOW!! It’s like living under an oppressive regime I guess. The joy of mine being away has shown me that. You’re doing great! It’s your timetable now!

Mimosa
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