newlife2015

[newlife2015]

Thank you Healthyarchive – I will have a look now – thank you x

[newlife2015]

Thank you all for all your support and advice xx
I have attended the Freedom Programme (about three months after I escaped) and I am reading one book or website after the other but I am still finding that I always still think the best of him when he is being Mr NiceGuy and I get drawn back in and then gradually his texts, emails, calls build up and before I know it he is back in my life! My family and my new partner are concerned but I often think he is ‘not that bad’ and think they are making a bit of a deal over nothing but I was with him for quite a long time so I think I am used to some of his general behaviour that I actually think that is good for him! I might see if I cant arrange some counselling and learn to set some more healthy boundaries that I can stick to!

[newlife2015]

COngratulations on your new home – enjoy your new life xx

[newlife2015]

Thanks Duck – well done for staying so strong. He has tried to be so reasonable over Easter but I am trying my best to keep contact limited 🙂

[newlife2015]

Makes me feel weak and guilty every time (even when I remember everything he has done) – he is SO manipulative and has an answer/excuse for everything. He said this morning that during our marriage he was being honest with e all along i.e. he told me about the other woman (in detail) only because he was caught out – apparently this shows he is not a bad person and he is honest although plenty of other men would have kept it secret! I mentioned a few other incidents that happened and the daily following me around and he said they were only because he wanted to talk to me! And he was stressed as he did everything! (even though I worked full-time). Basically he minimised everything as normal!

[newlife2015]

Thanks Confused123 – got caught out this week dropping something of the children’s through his door- he is trying to make out that he is Mr Goodguy and trying to make me feel guilty for everything that he brought on himself in the first place! His words are going around and round in my head even after a ten minute conversation (although I wouldn’t really say conversation as he was doing most of the talking – as normal!).

[newlife2015]

Thank you all for your great advice – know in my heart of hearts that you are all right so I will continue to stand my ground – just find that some days I am stronger to resist than others! Thank you all xxx

[newlife2015]

Thank you Confused123 – I did decline as soon as he mentioned it but ever since I have been worrying about it! When he gets the chance to talk to me he keeps taking as if we are ‘friends’ and everything in the past is in the past (almost like it has never happened!) and we need to be friends for the sake of the children etc so just feel really guilty (even though I know it is his game playing!). As far as I am concerned everything for kids can be sorted out on text and email 🙂

[newlife2015]

Thank you everyone – I know you are all right – I just feel this really strong pull towards him when he is being reasonable like this! If any of you were asking the same question I would be saying don’t meet and let him get inside your head so I don’t know why it is so difficult to follow my own advice! Hope you are all well and thank you for taking the time to let me have your words of wisdom 🙂

[newlife2015]

You are doing so well and you are so strong but it is completely normal to have off days every now and then but overall you have made such brilliant progress – I think we panic that we are going back ‘there’ and never want to feel that pain and stress again so we immediately panic. For me, I am finding that time for myself is important (not always easy with young children) so when I do not have the children I am keeping nights free to sit in my PJs or go to my slimming group – just for ME! For me it is a MUST that I get as much sleep as possible – as soon as I start to get tired I can feel the anxiety starting to gather momentum and the overthinking starts to play havoc. Lots of long hot baths, and colouring books help too – I like to read but sometimes on my more anxious days or weeks this is a bit tricky to concentrate enough! Stay strong – remember it is normal for everyone to have off days but overall – think back to how it was before you ‘escaped’ and you will realise how far you and your children have come. 🙂

[newlife2015]

Ignore this post – sorry posted in wrong place! Doglover99 – this response was for you 🙂

[newlife2015]

I would probably advise against meeting him, especially as it has only been a few weeks – remember why you left – I have fallen for this trap a few times and he just gets into my head emotionally and makes me feel guilty for leaving etc – it has definitely delayed my recovery – the least contact the better – as you know they have a way of twisting any conversation. If you do meet him, meet him with someone else there if this is possible? Stay safe x

[newlife2015]

Well done for finding the support of this site – the biggest thing is realising the situation that you are in – I was in ‘denial’ for years and even when it was spelt out to me by a counsellor I went to see it took me a few weeks to come to terms with it (I went to see a counsellor as I didn’t feel that things were ‘quite’ right). Good luck moving forward x
PLease try to take as much support as you can – WOmans Aid have been fantastic for me as well as reading up information on controlling behaviour online and in books – the more knowledge you can get the better and the least contact you can have with them when you have managed to get away the better 🙂 Good luck and stay strong xxxx

[newlife2015]

Hope all went well x

[newlife2015]

I wish I had told ‘our’ friends and neighbours exactly what my ex was like when I left him (because he kept promising to move out but never did the decent thing) – since I moved out I have lost many so called friends but I know it is because he has manipultated the truth and played the victim and they will all have thought ‘poor him’ as I left unannounced one day (with the advice and support from Womans Aid) so he played the victim! However, I do know that the few friends that I have left are real friends now which is great x

[newlife2015]

No contact is the only way forward in ny opinion (although I didn’t see this at the time) – my ex used the children to see me daily after I moved out and that resulted in his arrest ultimately as they use the contact to continue the abuse and their control. Keep strong x

[newlife2015]

I find everytime I bump into my ex it unsettles me and delays my recovery – the best advice I would have would be to stay away (as much as you can!). They have a manipulative way of making you feel that they are not as bad as you remember or somehow making you feel guilty or like ou did something wrong – better off as far away as possible in my honest opinion but I sometimes feel exactly the same as you – I think much of it is because we lived in such a stressful situation over long periods of time and when life becomes quieter and normal we miss the day to day drama and feel that something is somehow missing!

[newlife2015]

So sad that they have to put us down to make themselves feel better about themselves – they are purely jealous of all of our great qualities as they know that they can never have a good heart like us so the only way to make themselves feel better is to destroy us. Unfortunately when you like with all of their put downs every day you forget what a good person you are as you are so wrapped up in keeping them happy – it is so very sad. I really appreciate the ‘boring’ times I have handing out with friends, or going to my parents for Sunday lunch without worrying what time I need to be back etc!
No idea how to shake off thse feelings – I still hear his voice (when I am cooking for example – everything I did in the kitchen was wrong in his eyes) but I just try to ignore but I guess it will just take time to build our confidence back up but we will get there 🙂
YOu are right though – EVERYTHING they do for others is because they want something back themselves! They are so selfish and manipultative and have to WIN at all costs!

[newlife2015]

Well done all – you are all so strong. Like you silky halide I am still learning – I have too children with him so unfortunately have to have some interaction – would love to go no contact ideally! Still struggle not to let him get back in my head at times but getting better and leaving was defintely the best decision in the world – he kept telling me he was moving out with the lady he was seeing but never actually did the decent thing which left me having to be the one to leave – so pleased I did 😀😀😀 stay strong all x

[newlife2015]

Hi Serenity – well done- you are so strong – I really appreciate the little things now whereas I found it difficult to appreciate anything when I was living with him as he ruined everything. It is amazing the inner strength you find when you need it most isn’t it – people have told me how strong I have been over the past few months but I didn’t really realise but I think I am beginning to now! Nice to see you back 🙂

[newlife2015]

Once the denial lifts it is so scary as you know in your heart of hearts that you are going to have to confront the situation – like you I noticed that everything he did was emotionally abusive in one way or another once I realised what was happening – I had just been blind to it for so long and buried my head in the sand – I knew things were not ‘quite right’ but I hadn’t realised how bad things had become despite bruises, broken tvs, car windscreens etc – it was only when I saw a counsellor that I realised that I was in an abusive relationship but you can get the help and support you need – please take advice from Womans Aid and you you will find that the more you talk to them and read up (in secret when you can) the more strength you will gain to help you into action – there is no rush – do it in your own time but don’t let him know what you are up to (if that’s possible?). Good luck and keep posting – you are not alone although I am sure you feel like that most days xxxx

[newlife2015]

To all those wondering if you can do it – yes you can – I am not saying it will be easy but you are stronger than you think 🙂
Just make sure you get advice and leave secretly and safely x

[newlife2015]

I used to get told off for not cutting onions up correctly, putting the butter in the fridge and not buttering toast all the way to the sides! God forbid if I got something wrong on the shopping list! Now if I want something – I just buy it – probably shouldn’t as finances are rubbish but love the thought that I can now do what I like!

[newlife2015]

Like you I found the mental side much harder to cope with but it is getting better over time but the emotional abuse is hard to explain to people so you end up keeping i9t all to yourself – in the end though my anxiety got so bad and I was suffering from panic attacks, nightmares, racing heart, lack of concentration, unable to make a decision drinking lots, eating lots, not performing very well at work etc – I am not saying it is the answer but I am now taking anti anxiety medication and I am so much calmer, my concentration has improved and as a result other areas of my life are slowly improving. I also have brought and read SO many books about control which has helped me make sense of everything. Before I left I also saw a counsellor – I was cynical but it did help me make sense of everything and made me realise that I was not responsible for what happened to me and that I could not be responsible for another persons actions. It is a long process but I am sure that you, and everyone else in our, position will get there in time and there will be good and not so good days. xx

[newlife2015]

LOL I know exactly what you mean – I can’t concentrate on one thing – I seem to be thinking of about a hundred all at the same time BUT when I was with him I couldn’t concentrate at work or on anything at all in fact – I have to say supermarket shopping has become a lot easier as I am definitely finding it much easier to make decisions about things – not scared anymore that I cam going to make the wrong one and but the wrong potatoes or bread! LOL

[newlife2015]

Thanks Serenity – your tips are really useful – like you I have been left with massive debts in my name as he wasn’t working and couldn’t get credit but was quite happy to spend so this is the next thing I need to tackle so I will definitely use some of your advice 🙂 Hope you are OK x

[newlife2015]

I agree – it is lovely not walking on eggshells all of the time and dreading returning home every evening. It is lovely spending quality time with my children, playing games etc which I could never do when I was with him as my anxiety was so bad and he was always making me feel guilty for spending time with them not him. The struggles are different, being a single mum is hard some days as one of my children’s behaviour can be particularly challenging at times but I would not change it for the world – I know that if I had stayed I would probably had a breakdown in the end or worse – life is SO much better – I love appreciating the little things e.g – not looking at my watch if I am out for a meal, not worrying about him texting and me having to text straight back, eating what I want when I want, buying what I want, spending my money how I want to, staying with my family when I want to and for as long as I want etc etc – the list goes on! If you are thinking of leaving – please do it – but please get support to leave safely – it may be hard at first and you may think what have I done (I did!) but it does get easier 🙂 xxxx

[newlife2015]

Hi Serenity – so lovely to hear from you – I was worried as I hadn’t seen you popping up with your brilliant advice! Thank you so much – I spoke to WA yesterday – by chance as they phoned to check up on me and see how things were going – they were very concerned that I had met him. I don’t know why I did really but anyway I did and now I am regretting it – I have’t agreed to anything though but he has now got the hump because I haven’t given in to his demands – his usual manipultative behaviour hasn’t worked – but he has still got in my head but hopefully I have learn’t (again!) that he will never change. The extend of our financial issues is awful but it is only money and at least I am away from him now – he is now threatening not to pay the mortgage so that we/I will also have a bad credit rating forever. It is all his way or no way and I am fed up of it so I am ignoring now 🙂
Felt really low yesterday that I had been ‘duped’ again but feeling brighter today x
Hope you are well and things are calming down for you a bit?! x

[newlife2015]

Hi Moon Thinking of you – try to take some time out for yourself (if that is possible). I am not sure if your situation and whether you are still living with your abuser or you have made the break but please stay strong – sometimes we just need to feel like this to get our strength back to face the next battle. I am feeling the same this week but at least I recognise this now before I get too overwhelmed – this time I and have cancelled my friends for tonight as I just feel that I need ‘time out’ – I am planning to have a nice hot bath and read a book, watch TV, sit in my PJs and turn my phone off! Stay strong xxx

[newlife2015]

Shouldn’t have bothered! Discussions on the night went Ok but he is back to his bully boy tactics now because I am not agreeing to his requests straight away – he is basically after money. Feel like he is back in my head again – wish I had the non-molestation order as contact was so limited – feel like I am on a slippery slope downwards at the moment and haven’t got the energy to keep on fighting him – and I need to get my strength back. Also feel stupid that, yet again, I believed that he may have changed and realised the error of his ways but no! Why do I always think the best of him – know it is wrong every time!

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