Peaceful Pig

[Peaceful Pig]

Fizzylem that is so helpful. I thought I had grieved enough. I thought I had accepted and accommodated all the traumatic memories into my new sense of self. But now having to show that pain and damage to someone I care for so much I realise I haven’t fully accepted it, I still feel very ashamed. I want to be someone different for him. Someone less troubled, more fun, or at least more healed. I feel I’ve been dishonest but I genuinely believed I was doing better than I am.

As for your list the other big thing missing from my life is a support network, at all, nevermind a strong one. I do have some friends and get on well with my colleagues. I’ve have a sister though she’s far away and I’ve made some contact with extended family who have been supportive and had no idea about my childhood abuse. But everything seems to stay shallow. I can’t seem to deepen friendships and let people in. I thought I was doing when I first left my ex and was going through everything but now it’s like life has moved on and no-one seems to remember what’s happened or let me talk about it. This relationship is the first time I’ve managed to go deeper and now I’m terrified. And it’s worse because there’s no-one behind me to watch out for me which increases my vulnerability in the relationship.

I agree I need more therapy and was glad you said about finding someone new, because that’s what I think too. I did see a previous therapist for a one off session about this a while back and it wasn’t that helpful. It was weird because I realised I’d put her on a pedestal and seen her as some sort of angel saving me, she helped so much at the time. But now she seems normal and not right for where I am now.

I will look around for someone right, first thing for the new year. Thank you so much x

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks Fizzylem,
I definitely am in danger of sabotaging this, though I really don’t want to. He reassures me it’s not as bad as I think and he wants to help me but every time I have a panic attack I worry he’ll decide he’s had enough.
I’ve done all the soul searching and psychotherapy. I know exactly why I feel and react this way. My attachment style is messed up from my abusive parents, I have a lifetime of triggers from them and my ex. This is the first healthy relationship I have ever experienced and is going to take a lot of adapting to. I was hoping time would be enough but I’m not sure about that now as I don’t feel I’m making much progress. I just wish I could be the me I’ve discovered over the past few years and not regress from anxiety when I’m with him. When a trigger happens I’m overwhelmed with fear and I can’t rationalise with myself until it’s passed. Accepting where I am in the process is always helpful.
Thanks again. I wish you and everyone else on here a safe and peaceful Christmas.
PP X

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you. I will keep things steady and fingers crossed he will be another part of my healing hourney and the cherry on top after all my hard work xxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you so much. People around me have touched me by how pleased they are for me but they don’t understand why I’m so scared. I knew you would get it.
Diymum that makes sense about letting trust grow slowly and naturally as things develop and I see him in different scenarios. I started with what I thought were clear boundaries but I really hadn’t planned or expected this level of feeling on either side. I think to some extent I will only learn what my boundaries are from allowing myself to experience a healthy relationship and just watching my feelings. As you say I know that this time I am able to pull him up on things without fear of punishment.
Fizzylem yes you’re right I did get a bit swept away for a while which was lovely and exciting but I’ve scared myself. I can keep things where they are or even step back a little until I feel safer again. He lives quite far away which I’m glad about or it’d be even more tempting to move forward. He says he’s patient so he’ll just have to prove it won’t he?
Thank you both again for your kind words and encouragement,
PP xxx

[Peaceful Pig]

You have absolutely done the right thing. The guilt is just conditioning, try to distract and comfort yourself when that feeling arises. With time you’ll be able to see the wood for the trees, the fog will lift and you’ll have some peace of mind to think through your options. His ‘help’ will just cause you more harm, you don’t need it x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Exit, it does not sound stupid at all. I felt exactly as you describe (detail removed by Moderator), it was so traumatic I just couldn’t function. (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve been out quite a while now and things are improving, though it’s slow progress. My social life is pretty limited anyway due to work and the children but the hardest part in building friendships is trust and learning how to be a friend. When I was with my ex he would always put me off doing anything nice for anyone by telling me it was ridiculous and they would think I was stupid. I’m gradually pushing through the anxiety to allow myself to be a good friend. When I relapse though I find it very hard to reach out to anyone and can still feel quite alone. Try gently nudging your comfort zone bit by bit, try to think of the things you wanted to do but weren’t able to, now is your chance. Identity is a tough one too, its a scary feeling not knowing who you are, I’m gently experimenting with looks and activities and getting a firmer sense of what feels comfortable for me. You will definitely have a meaningful life but don’t rush or be too hard on yourself. It’ll come in time x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi iwillbeok, it takes a long, long time to process the facts of the abuse once we come realise the truth. We have lived with our abusers lies, justifications, gaslighting etc for so long and believed it all because we had to, to stay safe. Coercing someone by intimidation, brainwashing and conditioning is not gaining consent. It’s deliberately training a person to not say no, to feel so worthless they don’t even know that no is an option anymore. That’s what I think I found so hard to accept, the cold, deliberate nature of the behaviour. Try not to give yourself a hard time whilst your mind is attempting to assimilate this information. It’s a natural process of healing and it takes as long as it takes. Allow yourself to rest and cry (as much as possible with children around). You are hurt but not irreparably. Be as patient and compassionate with yourself and the process as you can. You’re doing fine xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hey Shinebright, it’s good to hear from you though sorry to hear you’re struggling. It can feel really hard and lonely once the crisis phase is over and the support ebbs away, yet there is still so much to sort out and overcome on our own. You are absolutely right to be terrified, there is every reason to be. Yet you have been extremely terrified many times before and each time you did it anyway. You will overcome this hurdle too. I’m sure you be able to arrange all you need to. It’s a shame no-one can guarantee that he’ll never find you, it’s a terrible way to live knowing that someone has such hatred for you, but it sounds as though the police are doing all they can to protect you which is good. You are not alone, we’re with you in spirit xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Serenity, it’s devastating to hear your son say that after all you’ve been through to make life better for them. You could not have done any better than you have, you have most certainly not failed. It must be so hard for our children to know which parent to believe when they say different things. Your silence on the matter up to now speaks volumes, you have nothing to justify or deflect attention from. I’m sure your son does know really but is clinging onto hope that his dad isn’t as bad as he is. Also I think all teenagers give the whole ‘you ruined my life’ speech to their parents at some point but for us it’s extra hard to hear because we carry so much guilt about their witnessing the abuse and its after effects. Try not to give him too much power from realising how hurt this has made you feel. Sending big hugs to you 🤗 xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Marionette, you sound as though your self-esteem has been so worn down by years of emotional abuse. I’m sure if you think about those words you use to describe yourself you will find they are in fact your husband’s words. They are unkind and untrue. They are designed to keep you where he wants you. You have every right to leave any relationship and you certainly have the right to live without abuse and insults. I was with my abusive ex-husband over (detail removed by Moderator) and I still haven’t quite erased all his messages from my mind. Pretty much the exact same messages your husband tells you. I’m still rebuilding slowly but surely but definitely no regrets. Living in a peaceful home, feeling safe, gradually making friendships and learning who I really am is fabulous xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Ayanna, facing those demons is incredibly difficult and painful. Exhausting too. You are so right about the value of finding you. Having a clear, narrative about what happened to me and why has given me a much firmer sense of self. A self I can believe in. I have relapsed into a state of denial and sympathy for my abuser parents lately and it dramatically affected my mood. I lost all belief in myself. Telling someone about the abuse has woken me up to myself and my truth again. It’s a horrible truth, but it feels real and stable because it makes sense. Way better than the fog of abusers lies. Keep on going, it’s worth the pain, you’ll really like who you are! Xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Sorry strube, autocorrect changed your name!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Strive, I’ve been meaning to reply to this post for a while but not found time. I’ve been having a hard week myself. My son is also behaving similarly, less extreme currently, but lots of subtle occasions of hurting me and saying unkind things, pretending physical things are accidental, saying he doesn’t care. It started as clinginess and separation anxiety because his dad had been cancelling contact a lot lately but seems to have turned into something more angry and mostly directed at me. He also knows I’m exhausted and have let the boundaries slip too many times. I’ve been advised that my anxiety is feeding this behaviour and I do think he picks up on the impact his behaviour has which negatively reinforces it. That’s not to say that any of us are to blame for letting our anxieties show. It’s pretty impossible not to when we rarely get a break from our children and feeling the extreme emotions we do in this situation. Children are bright and ours are particularly hyperalert, they don’t miss a thing. Also we are not this anxious for no reason and it is not our fault. I’m trying not to panic or beat myself up so much. It’s exhausting trying to pretend it has no effect on us but I do think it’s the answer. I just hope I achieve it before he gets too big. I also have a child with additional needs so this muddies the water even further. My son gets very panicky when his dad choses not to spend time with him and was horrifically distressed and badly behaved when contact wasn’t allowed for a while. This is why your son is worse without your ex, because he feels rejected, abandoned and hurt. It’s really not because of you. I’ve found many professionals are much less well-trained that I imagined. I hope you manage to find some support and the strength and confidence to get back on top xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Toshiba, I know how scary this all is but try not to think too far ahead for now. Way easier said than done I know. The only priority is you and the children being safe and well and right now you are not. I know it feels like the children aren’t really aware and that it will unsettle them, but they will be aware of much more than you know. I stayed with my ex-husband for many years for the same reasons despite him raping me for years. I was also with him since being a teenager. The long term effect on my mental health was not worth it, I got to the point where I was suicidal just for it to end, even though I didn’t see it as rape then and didn’t really understand why I felt as desperate as I did. I can remember almost shouting at someone who was persuading me to go into refuge, saying what am I supposed to tell them?! (the children). It seems so extreme when it’s just our normal life that we are used to, when he tells us it’s all normal and we’re overreacting. Please believe me when I say that it’s worth taking that leap of faith to end this. You will (eventually) feel so much better and so will your children. I am a much better and happier parent than I could ever be with him around. The pleasure and relief of sleeping safely in my bed at night at the end of a long day is priceless and worth all that I’ve lost.
Sending you strength and love. Let your friend and the services help you, you can do this Toshiba xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Well done iamfree, it takes a lot of strength to keep fighting even when we are let down xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Cuppa, I am so happy to hear this. How fantastic that this wonderful new adventure has opened up for you. Have a wonderful time being the confident, talented person you are (and always were), don’t look back! xx 😁 🏖 🌎 🏞 ✈

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Anna, you are not idiotic in the least. It is incredibly difficult and painful to have to let go of our own family, especially when you are a kind, empathic person. Despite being conditioned to believe otherwise, you have absolutely no obligation to continue to contact or send cards to anyone who causes you to feel such pain and anxiety. You can’t make them understand or have the courage to let go as you have. In a way you are helping them. You are showing them an option of calmly setting boundaries and respecting yourself instead of continuing to collude in the unhealthy dynamics. The first time I went no contact with my parents many years ago my sister sent me horrible letters telling me how unkind I was being to our parents. My parents tracked me down unfortunately and I didn’t have the strength back then to make them leave so I went back to pretending and letting them control me. A couple of years later my sister came round to realising how unhealthy it all was so now supports me. That really helped this time when I’ve managed to stop the contact for good. She refuses to actually talk about our childhood though and whilst I am glad of her I do wonder if this is really good for me as I still have to stay silenced about what happened to me. But then I respect that she’s not ready to face it yet. Tough decisions but I think you’ve been amazingly brave to stay true to yourself and sayno x

[Peaceful Pig]

We believe you dragonfly. Just because he wasn’t charged doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean it was OK – it wasn’t. You know your truth. There is no justice now but it’ll catch up with him in the end, there are always consequences from causing such suffering to others, though you may not necessarily have the pleasure of knowing about it.
Please don’t let this prevent you from seeking DV counselling. It could help you process this so it doesn’t forever go round in your mind and help you to move forward. You’ve beaten him by surviving and getting away x

[Peaceful Pig]

Tiffany, that’s brilliant! Onwards and upwards! I hope you’re not in too much pain now and hopefully your symptoms will improve the longer you are away from him and enjoying your life x
LONC, that’s an excellent rule of thumb! X

[Peaceful Pig]

Serenity, thank you 😚
LONC, it’s so hurtful when family members and friends side with abusers. They just don’t have the courage and integrity we do, so they align themselves with who scares them the most to try to protect themselves. My dad did the opposite actually when I left my husband, he made out he was angry on my behalf. This was not only hypocritical but showed a total lack of insight into how abusive he is himself. He was trying to deflect attention from his own behaviour. This from a man who instead of protecting me, abused me himself and told me to ‘f*** off with my boyfriend’s’ at age (detail removed by Moderator) because he was jealous I had some male friends.
People often use our situations for their own ends. At least it’s a relief to clearly see through all their nonsense and stay away. Much harder when it’s your own child though. I can’t imagine how painful that must be.
Sometimes we need to remember the pain to keep us on track but I’m hoping that as we progress, and focus our minds in more positive directions, we find more kind, loving people are attracted into our lives instead x

[Peaceful Pig]

Aaah, iwillbeok, that feeling of freedom when you get free is wonderful! Hold onto that as you work through everything that needs to be done. Having a safe home to return to at the end of the day makes such a difference, enjoy 😊 x

[Peaceful Pig]

Sorry Liquorice, but I’m afraid it’s very likely that he knows exactly how much he upsets you and is unlikely to stop. You are not weak at all and certainly don’t get on anyone’s nerves no matter what he tells you. Nobody that lives with this cruelty every day can possibly be weak. It wears us all down in time, but not forever. You will rise up and find the strength to end it when the time is right for you. Obviously keep safe, but hen you can keep posting and reading to help you stay clear in your mind that it is definitely him at fault and not you. Sending hugs x

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m loving the phrase “albatross launch”. Next time I get anxious I will just think ‘its ok it’s just an albatross launch!’

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi freedoms, I had a similar experience with my son’s counsellor at school. Unfortunately they are just not well-trained in domestic abuse. It was only when I accidentally ended up coming into contact with my ex at the school one day that they truly appreciated my levels of fear and took our safety more seriously. I’m now able to enjoy going to my son’s school safely again. Don’t let them pressurise you into feeling/being unsafe. Whenever my ex starts sending messages I have my solicitor remind him that it’s not acceptable. I know it’s expensive but worth every penny for my peace of mind and regaining feeling in control. As for the bully at work, some people seem to have radar for vulnerability and can’t help but take advantage. Try to keep away and remember it’s not personal. Don’t doubt yourself, the foundations you have built are undoubtedly firmer than you think xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Fantastic Eve1, you should be indescribably proud of yourself too. It gives me hope for the resilience of my own children and proves it is possible to mitigate the effects of their fathers. Well done to them and you 😁 xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi sunshine, it’s an exhausting process but it sounds like you’re moving through it well. Your clearer perspective on your memories is all progress and the memories won’t have this intensity of pain forever. I have found the process to be like a rising spiral, with each high more stable and long-lasting and each low slightly less strong and hurtful but giving you a clearer understanding of what has happened.
You sound spot on about the persistent guy. Definite red flags waving there. Don’t waste energy on anyone but you and your recovery. Don’t rush yourself xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hey confused, sorry you’re experiencing these threats. I can’t add much more than others have already advised but sending love and strength your way. Keep believing in yourself and report everything, you don’t feel this fear for no reason. On a positive note it is likely a sign that he thinks things won’t go in his favour which is why he’s intimidating you. Hang on in there and use this to help you xx

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m so sorry to hear this Ayanna. It just proves how right we are to trust our instincts and how vital it is that agencies believe and listen to that instinct. I hope you are able to accept any help that comes your way, you’ve waited long enough and deserve protection. Maybe refuge is the best way forward now. I really hope you can stay safe xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks sunshine, yes I think it is progress as each new cycle of grief allows me to see what happened in a new light, with more distance but more understanding. I now actually feel I have a coherent history I can tell that makes sense of who I am, instead of the confusing, terrifying muddle of memories I lived with before. I don’t really feel unresolved about that miscarriage despite the fairly traumatic circumstances, I think it’s just that the dates coincidence and compound the grief. Sometimes I think it’s​ best to just stop a feel it all.
Ayanna I am so happy to hear that you’re getting therapy and it sounds as though it’s helping. I really think distance is the only answer to allow yourself the chance to heal. Your anger is healthy and a sign you’re on the right track. I’m enjoying feeling connected to myself, it’s not just my toes now but all of me! I feel a bit like I’ve just come to life, I like all of my body and don’t want to hurt it or cut out the damaged parts anymore because I don’t feel damaged. I feel clean, comfortable and new. It’s worth the wait and the pain.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks for your kind response KIP. I’m still a bit up and down. That’s just the way grief works isn’t it? To be honest I’m still not really letting anyone into my life at anything more than a surface level. A bit of a life outside of work, children and housework would probably help but I’m not sure how much I should push myself in this respect or just wait until I feel more ready. It takes quite an effort to be a good friend and frankly I’m so tired a lot of the time I put off making plans. I’m still finalising financial stuff with the ex too, so still not quite at the end of that long road to freedom. I’m very happy to be safe though and I think my foundations are stabilising! Xx

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