Scarecrow

[Scarecrow]

Hi Bov94,

it’s a massive thing to block them, whether you have been out of the relationship two months or two years. The most important thing is that you are starting to recognise the manipulation. To me – sending that text to you is a huge sign of manipulation. He wants you to know he is feeling terrible (I don’t think he is) but it’s all manipulation to ensure you are still thinking about him, to try and make you feel guilty for removing yourself from his clutches and also an attempt to continue to abuse you.

if you don’t feel you can block him just yet – and I know it’s not always possible when you have kids – google grey rock – it’s a technique you may have already heard of but it’s helpful when you cannot go no contact as it helps you to stop feeding them your emotions (it’s 2am and my brain is in overdrive due to insomnia so please forgive me if I’m not making total sense!).

Remember that you need to look after yourself as well!

take care,

 

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Girl01,
When you get a moment, google the cycle of abuse – it may even be on the Women’s aid page.
In short it shows the whole cycle of abuse, from the building of tension, the incident (maybe an argument, verbal or physical abuse), to the reconciliation and then the calm.
When I was with my ex I lived for the period of calm – it was when i felt that finally everything would be ok. But in the back of my head i knew that it could not last, which put me on edge. Living in this cycle is awful but it is worth educating yourself on all aspects of domestic abuse.

As for the not taking no for an answer with sex – sweetheart, that is rape – there is no two ways around it. If you say no and he carries on then he has raped you. It is REALLY hard to accept that when someone else tells you – but deep down it might be the confirmation that you needed.

Please stay safe, keep posting on here and feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Scarecrow xx

[Scarecrow]

Wow!

Your number of sexual partners is quite frankly none of his business and nothing that you should be ashamed of.

Speculating now but I would guess that his biggest aim with this is to make you feel badly about yourself, and he has been successful. Take a breath and breathe out the weight of his opinions. Whether you had slept with 5 people or 50 – he would have an issue with it. I also guarantee that if you asked him how many people he has slept with that he wouldn’t tell you as it was none of your business.

I am so glad that you have left the situation – it can take a long time to rid ourselves of the toxic baggage that they leave with us.

Be kind to yourself, don’t judge yourself harshly for something that is only a big deal for him – and his opinion is irrelevant,
Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Yellowbrickroad1,

I am so happy for you! Stay safe and enjoy the taste of freedom and peace 🙂

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Chocolatebunnie (great name by the way!),

Its hard isnt it? You so desperately want to be able to communicate with them, but when you try everything is pushed back onto you and you walk away confused and feeling like you are to blame for everything.

What i will say is that he knows what he is doing and you feeling like you owe him is likely a part of his game. I bet that if you allowed yourself to sit back and think about it you would remember other times where he has done this and made you feel like you were ungrateful or that he has been nice to you so you have to be nice to him. Or he will have been vile to you one day, then the next day – while you are still angry with him and dont want to accept gifts – he will then make you feel as if you are ungrateful and that he is just trying to be nice.

You may be due on, but maybe the red mist (that i get anyway!) just allows you to feel how you actually feel, without the games? And i would not be surprised if he is aware and it is easier to blame you and your hormones then let you know that he is playing games and being abusive!

They have us believing that it all us – it is gaslighting and it is very hard to realise when it is happening – but it is not you! More so if the kids are picking up on it.

You may not be ready to be self-aware right now, but one day you will be, and these memories will make you stronger.

Yes, we would all love to leave our abusive relationships as soon as we realise that is what they are – but that isn’t at all practical. This isn’t the movies and very few of us have a fairy godmother (think mine may have drunk herself to death or is missing in action). Realistically it can take a really long time to leave, and it can feel that the known mood swings and cycle of abuse is less scary then the unknown of having to deal with leaving him and all that, that will bring.

Keep posting on here, maybe speak to Womens Aid on the webchat? We are all here for you and there is no judgement,

Stay strong and be kind to yourself,

Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Everhopeful321,

Having spent the majority of my adult life in an abusive relationship I can, hand on heart, tell you that you know the truth – even though it may take some time for you to admit it to yourself fully. For me, admitting it to myself meant that I (personally) felt that because I knew what he was doing to me and the kids was abuse, that I had to face it and do something about it. I am not saying for a second that you have to do that, just that was how i felt. I think sometimes our brains protect us a little by not letting us fully recognise what is happening all in one go.

There is no one size fits all answer to these things, but please know that you are not alone, that we are all here for you and that there is no such thing as a silly question.

Be kind to yourself

Hugs

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Thank you both so much for replying to me.

I think it’s the issue of consent that is upsetting me. I have never said to him that is ok to wake me like that. But he bare faced lied when he said he thought I was awake as I wasn’t.

I have written about him before and him having sex with me while I am frozen in fear and he doesn’t notice/care. I need to get rid of him x

[Scarecrow]

Thank you Bananaboat, I really appreciate your input.

This isn’t my first unequal relationship and I guess I am just questioning whether I am overthinking things at the first sign of trouble?

If this was the only thing then I would probably have chalked it up to that, but sadly it isn’t.

S x

[Scarecrow]

Thank you all, I think i just need validation – which is pathetic at my age.

Really appreciate all the words of support 🙂

Scarecrow

[Scarecrow]

Hi Fallingleaves,

I wish, more than anything, that i had a magic wand that could fix it all for you, but i sadly don’t. I have been in your shoes and I have kept my relationship as separate from my ex as possible, which has caused issues as my partner felt like a dirty secret. He doesn’t understand the reasons that i wanted to keep them apart. I would say that your ex kicking off and your subsequent reaction of keeping them miles apart is just him continuing to abuse you. You are changing your behaviour so that you keep getting the positive side of him. He is still in some form of control as you are changing what you want to do in order to keep him appeased. Its terrifying to even think about going against what you have always done, but i think it is time to consider doing just that. You will have the support of your new partner now as well. Things can still be done slowly and at your own pace.

Just a thought, love and hugs,

Scarecrow

[Scarecrow]

Thank you all for responding to me, I am absolutely exhausted with it all and have no idea what to do next, x

[Scarecrow]

Hi RedStrawberry – as everyone has said before, it is a sad fact that this is what they do. Leave him to his own interpretation of what happened, walk away knowing the truth. To hell with what anyone else thinks,

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Thank you both so much.

There are so many red flags but he is so different to my ex and so my brain doesnt (or doesnt want to) think i have the right to end things, more so as although we have spoken about a lot of these things some of it i have kept to myself so that i dont seem like i am having a go at him all the time and because i know he will cry and stop eating like he did last time. I would tell a friend to end things if they weren’t happy – so why can I not do it for myself?

Feeling very low today but appreciate all of the support

Hugs

Scarecrow xx

[Scarecrow]

Thank you Hazydayz,

I really needed this today. Sometimes you just need to be reminded to take a breath and stop – look around and see what is possible.

Hugs

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Sunshinelollypops,

I am genuinely so sorry that you have had to endure this kind of behaviour.

You are right that it is sexual and emotional abuse and something that no one should have to put up with.

I am so pleased that you are free of the physical relationship, although i know from experience that the mental side of things takes a long time to be free of.

Have you had any support for all of this? I am sure that your local refuge or domestic violence charity would be able to help you – perhaps with the Freedom Programme? Or perhaps your GP could point you in the direction of some counselling?

Never doubt your strength, you did the hard part by getting away from him – now you should work on you. I am (detail removed by Moderator) years clear and i still have flashbacks and bad days so please dont think that this is a flaw in your personally, sadly it is very common.

Please keep posting, we are all here for you,

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

I obviously dont know your circumstances, so not sure if you work or have time away from him (dont say on here for obvious reasons) but have a google. I am sure in my area that my council has a link to local charities or services that help with domestic violence. Failing that Women’s Aid would be able to help you.

Stay safe and keep posting, you will get through this i promise.
Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Potkettle,

I have been in your shoes, it is almost like a fog that comes over you and stops you from being able to think clearly. I think that it is a form of mental defence mechanism – your brain protecting you from remembering things that are going to hurt you.

I totally echo what has been said above,take a breath, take your time and start. Would typing it be easier than writing it with pen and paper? Would voice notes be a place to start so you can get the words out and transfer them to paper at a later date?

I know how hard this is, but it really is something that will help you. You may even find that once you get the first thing down you will remember more. Starting is the hardest part.

Stay strong – you can do this

Hugs

Scarecrow

[Scarecrow]

Hi Stuckinturmoil,

You are not dithery, you are dealing with something huge and no-one ever has all of the answers straight away.

Listen to your gut, not your heart – do you think that you will be happy with this man when the kids have grown and left? Do you feel happy, safe and loved? Remember that if you leave it will not be you that is ripping it apart – his behaviour and treatment of you is what will do that. It took me a really long time to leave after i had decided that the relationship was over, try not to put a time limit on it – you will know when you are ready.

Keeping a diary of incidents is a really good idea, i did something similar before i left and when i am having a wobble (when he is being nice to me) I look back at it and remind myself why i ended the relationship.

A lot of the time we, as survivors, find it really hard to accept that what we are enduring is abuse. We internalise it and look for any excuse for their behaviour that will point away from the fact that they are abusive. In a way it is a defence mechanism. When you sit back and read your diary, you know that this isnt normal and it isnt your fault.

Have you considered reaching out to your local Refuge/domestic violence workers? They can point you in the direction of all kinds of help but will also just listen to you if that is what you need to start.

Please stay strong and keep posting

Hugs

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Firstly, you dont need to thank us, we are a community of women here to help you through this.

Secondly, it is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed, I think anyone would. I remember when i first realised that one of my relationships was abusive – it was like a lightbulb had gone on in my mind. But for a while afterwards it really was like i was in a fog while my brain caught up and i started to remember so many things that i had obviously buried before.

Please be careful – as you say (and not meaning to frighten you at all) things can escalate if he does work out that you are aware of what he is doing. Make sure that if you use shared devices that you clear you browser history – not all of it because that will give you away- but if you visit this site or anything else that he might find that might set him off, delete the history of it. Stay safe first and foremost.

Are you able to make contact with your local domestic violence advisor? Most areas will have someone who deals with this kind of thing and are often attached to the local refuge. Talking to these people is just like talking to us, they will not judge you or make you do anything that you do not want to do but they can point you to local support.

Please know that nothing that you have endured is your fault and it is possible to get out.

Keep posting

Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

This is such a simple but important form of self care – well done you!

[Scarecrow]

Hi Goldengirl,

Depending on your sons age, I would consider taking him to the GP. They may be able to direct him towards some counselling or some support for others of his age. If you have a local domestic violence charity it might be worth reaching out to them to see what services they offer. Being there to listen to him will also go a long way.

So that is your Son – what about you? From your post I hear a lot of blame being placed at your own door. Let me be, probably, blunt. You did the BEST you could with what you knew at the time. You LEFT as soon as you physically could. There is no manual that comes with this kind of thing and a lot of us have guilt drummed into us, even when it is not our fault.

Please dont forget that you need to look after your mental and physical health as well as your Son’s. You are just as important.

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi CuriousB,

I want to start by saying that you are not alone, so many of us go through this and it is nothing like a ‘normal’ break up.

As KIP says, have you googled trauma bonding? There are so many resources on the internet and even videos on youtube which explain all about it. I found watching those videos and talking to other people like me helped me massively. I have been out of this relationship for a long time (years) and i still have moments when I just want him back. It takes me a couple of days to get this out of my head. In my head i miss the ‘safety’ and ‘security’ that i had with him, but when i really think about it and not allow myself to think with my heart instead of my head, I remember that actually I was neither safe or secure and that the vast majority of the issues that i have were because of him. He gives the impression that he has changed and that his new life is so great, but he can’t fool me any more.

Have a look on Amazon as well, there is something called Kindle Unlimited (which is about £8 a month) and there are so many books on there about toxic relationships which you can borrow and then return electronically. You dont have to have a kindle either, you can download an app onto your phone.

Also – have you heard of the Freedom Programme? I have done this and it really did help me masses. If you have a local Domestic Violence Charity it would be worth getting in touch and seeing if they offer it. I was able to do the course in the evening and it gave me so much information and tools to be able to move forward.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. This kind of thing takes time and patience, look after yourself and keep posting.

Hugs, Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Soconfused2,

I hope you are feeling better in yourself today?

Sadly this is a common tactic amongst abusers, they can make us feel as if we are losing our minds by using tactics such as gaslighting and general crazy making.

I know that I have mental health issues as a result of the abuse that I have been on the receiving end of, but unless he is a licensed health professional he would have no idea if you have a personality disorder.

It is soooo easy for us to get swept up in believing things that these people say to us, but stay strong, take everything that he says with a pinch of salt and listen to your gut.

Please keep posting so that we can support you,

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Good Morning everyone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

I think that I worry that I am making more of things then I should and that I require Validation from other survivors. This is sadly not my first rodeo with a possibly abusive man.

If I were to sit down and put it all together I think that it would scare me, so I think I have the blinkers on at the moment.

Please take care of yourselves and stay safe.

Lots of love

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Well done Velvet-ribbon, you should be so proud of yourself! You faced a fear, were scare but did it anyway! I really hope you got the job!

[Scarecrow]

I completely second what longjourneylife said. Our abusers have wired our brains so that we instantly blame ourselves and second guess everything that we know.

Have you looked into trauma bonding? I still have a trauma bond with my ex – some days are worse than others.

You have taken a really important step, be proud of that. Allow yourself a few days to get your head around it, trust your gut and stay strong.

Scarecrow x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Mellow,

didnt want to read and run but I have been you and i wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Refuge is not for everyone, I had pets that I could not leave so I had to stick it out. It is not ideal to still be living with him, but you have realised the issue and you are tuning him out of your head. This is the reason that he is all over you, trying to hoover you back as he doesnt believe that you will leave him or he wants to do everything he can to keep his supply.

Do you have any family that you could stay with for a few days? Gather your strength and give yourself a mental break?

Scarecrow

[Scarecrow]

Thank you Eclipsed, what you have said makes so much sense. The thing that i think has gotten to me the most is that I really thought that he was different – obviously i was wrong.

I do know where i went wrong though so any future relationships would be less likely to progress as far as this one has. I told him everything about my past because i knew that there would be some times where intimacy was difficult or if i was a little closed off at certain things. What i did was essentially give him a list of all of the things that i probably wouldnt stand up to him over as i had never managed it with my ex.

Anyway, need a nap now 😉

Scarecrow xx

[Scarecrow]

Thank you redred, i have been through this all before with my ex, which is probably why my walls are so high!

I obviously cannot say how old i am because it would identify me but neither myself or my partner are young anymore, you would hope that all of these games etc would stop once you got passed a certain age, but they dont.

I need to find a safe way of ending things as soon as possible.

Scarecrow xx

[Scarecrow]

Gettingtired (totally relate to your name, in more ways than one!) that is exactly what i am scared of – that this relationship is abusive but in a different way to the last one. It is totally different to my marriage but no better really. The only positive is that we dont, and won’t, live together or get married.

Thank you for your input, really does mean a lot,

Scarecrow x

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