Sparkle1

[Sparkle1]

I was so nervous about gong back on there because of him so I literally only have my friends and family and my account is closed to public I had blocked him and his family etc so that I wasn’t being watched I don’t know how he knows, he makes out facebook is sexbook but I wouldn’t ever use it for that I just wanted to build bridges with my friends and family that I lost touch with and the jewellery was always given to me after a massive fallouts so (detail removed by moderator) even though I used to say I don’t want his gifts I just wanted to be treated right because I know he always wants everything back as soon as things go wrong and now he is acting like the victim i’m so sick of it 🙁 xx

[Sparkle1]

No contact is the only way I have learnt a massive lesson I kept the contact like you I would get nasty then nice messages depending on his mood and after months of separation I ended up back giving him yet another chance and have just got him back out of my house! All the promises in the world never changed him in fact he was worse this time. I found it hard to cut him off I missed the nice parts and bit by bit I found myself completely in denial & forgetting the bad and romanticising about the good parts, it happens so gradually & before you know it they are back in your head and your life and it’s not worth the trauma it brings because they just don’t change. Thinking of you I know it’s hard especially when your feelings take over xx

[Sparkle1]

Couldn’t agree with you more they are completely anti life ! This is my husband too ! He even wanted all the blinds closed in the house because he didn’t like the light so we used to constantly be shut indoors in darkness xx

[Sparkle1]

In the very short time my husband was back he pressured me to try and move house as he hates my house and wants somewhere together, get pregnant again, stop talking to my neighbours, not answer the door to visitors, stop being on my phone, stop being so friendly as he’s apparently never met someone as friendly as me and then went on to say again the reason it worked so well with his ex of 6 years was because she always put him first and wasn’t interested in anything apart from their lives and if he didn’t like someone she would cut them off… whenever I tried to stand up for myself as I actually felt really hurt by the things he was saying he accused me of being a drama queen and over-reacting but I don’t feel that I should have to be spoken to like that xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you ladies he left my house last night after I told him I cannot be controlled and put down anymore I think now that he just came back to punish me, put me down and make me feel guilty! I can’t go back to that bad place definitely no contact this time xx

[Sparkle1]

How are you feeling today kindhearted15 ? xx

[Sparkle1]

It’s so hard when you still love them and the relationship not being what you hoped it would be, my ex is in counselling and has admitted he was at fault but I’m still worried that it might go back to how it was if I let him back into my life, he is in his own flat now so I wouldn’t let him move back into my house but I think my biggest struggle is how I dealt with it all when it went wrong I told people that I shouldn’t of because they have used the information they had as a weapon against me and on top of trying to clear my head about my husband’s behaviour towards me I am also dealing with how my mum and friend controlled & interfered in my life so much too. I think it’s all about boundaries I am now standing up for myself with everyone so there have been a few fall outs but I can’t spend my life being dictated too and since my husband left and everyone else has taken over I feel like I’m drowning! xx

[Sparkle1]

Everything you said is so true to my life and it’s only now that I can see it so clearly I can see now how I got so low trying to please everyone around me especially my husband, my mum and my friend because they all had unreal expectations on my time I was never going to win xx

[Sparkle1]

Its so hard I’ve even fallen out with a close friend because I finally stood up to her this week and told her I don’t need her to be so aggressive to me about him, I know the reasons it was wrong which is why I got out so having it constantly rammed down my throat doesn’t help especially when her life isn’t any better with her partner but she is still with him ! The thing is you shouldn’t have to apologise for how you feel or sneak around because the fear of people close to you giving you grief, I know its because they care but sometimes you can end up feeling bullied and controlled by friends and family too and that is where I am at the moment, I really want to believe that he realises how he behaved was wrong and that we could have the normal life I always wanted because I don’t actually want to be with anyone else but it’s scary because can they actually change… xx

[Sparkle1]

Im going through the same struggle of not being able to stay away 🙁 my ex was not physically abusive he was controlling and I lived on eggshells it’s so hard because everyone close to me knows what I went through so I don’t feel like I can be honest with them and say that I still love him and miss the good parts because i constantly have it rammed down my throat if I even mention his name, its crazy how they can make you feel so low when your with them but then when your apart they are the only ones that make it feel better when you speak or meet up again! xx

[Sparkle1]

Thanks missgiddypants I think I’ve finally had enough of trying to keep the peace and suffering in silence we all fight are own battles i really feel that I don’t want her in my life anymore because she makes me feel bad about myself and ridicules me because of my relationship it’s just cruel xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you for listening I feel like I’ve got no where else to turn to be honest about how I really feel and I would usually apologise for what I said to her today but for the first time I stood up to her and I am not saying sorry because I have put up with her especially being so opinionated and controlling with me when her own life is a mess and I just stay silent, she was the main reason I got him out of my house because she constantly hounded me about how wrong my relationship was and now I’m out I feel like it was for her own benefit she uses me as an excuse for when she meets up with her affair even left me in a night out to meet him and as soon as I say anything about feeling sad or missing my ex she comes down on me full force and Im starting to realise her intentions are not good xx

[Sparkle1]

You should be so proud of yourself well done for finding the strength to get him out, thinking of you hope your ok xx

[Sparkle1]

That’s exactly how I felt everyone used to notice my eyes how drained and tired I always looked they felt bloodshot and its definitely the stress your living under because once I found the strength to get him out for good the first thing people noticed was my eyes were sparkling again I looked alive ! I know its not an easy decision but its the best decision I ever made because it never changes a relationship should better you not make you ill, thinking of you hope your ok xxx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you ladies I had a nice time he was a true gent opening doors wouldn’t let me pay for anything we didn’t discuss my ex at all I was only out for a couple of hours I felt quite anxious and I don’t know if I would go on a second date he was extremely posh and I didn’t feel attracted to him but it was nice to go out and be treated as my ex never took me anywhere xx

[Sparkle1]

My ex used to sulk on period week like i could control my cycle to suit him ! That was the only time i got any break and even then he tried! I went through the same constant groping slapping my bum so hard that it used to throb, constant sexual remarks and demanding it every day i was so sore and uncomfortable down and if i said no he sulked and said i didn’t love him or i must be having an affair ! I don’t know when i was supposed to be having an affair i lived like a prisoner xxx

[Sparkle1]

Hi Lisa i do want to enjoy it for myself and not make it all about my past so thanks for the advice i won’t worry too much now about going into detail yet see how it goes hopefully i’ll have a nice time 🙂 xx

[Sparkle1]

Thanks missgiddypants 🙂 my ex used to always say we need to up the excitement suggesting more and more weird things in the bedroom! Im so relieved to not have him in my house now and be able to go to bed without the constant worry of what was coming xx

[Sparkle1]

My ex sounds the same as yours, when we met his children’s mum was causing a lot of issues and he used to say she wasn’t over him but that they had broken up years ago, I later found out he was sleeping with her on a regular basis so no wonder she had a problem! He was controlling and manipulative always questioning and accusing me of completely off the wall things that had never happened, I couldn’t go for nights out just used to make excuses to my friends because he would sulk and make life difficult, he tried to control how I dressed, I felt on edge and anxious all the time and had to always think about everything I was saying as he took everything the wrong way, he demanded sex every day or would accuse me of rejecting him not loving him so I used to just lay there and let him do it. I married him because he said that was the commitment he needed I got pregnant because he was obsessed with us having a baby it was twins which I ended up miscarrying so he then put the scan pictures all over the house every room I went in and constantly badgered me to get pregnant again which thank god I didn’t ! In the end you completely loose yourself and become someone no one recognises, isolation is also part of it there is nothing healthy about a relationship with these abusive men, they never change abuse is abuse however it is served.

This forum has really helped me I hope you get the support you need xxx

[Sparkle1]

My Ex used to “jokingly” slap me on the bum so hard that It used to throb for hours but he thought that was funny! He also used to sulk and say I didn’t love him if I didn’t have sex with him every single day and period week was hell because he would sulk for days ! He was very controlling & isolated away from my family & friends etc but I have been away from him for (detail removed by moderator)weeks now I got him out of my house and I still struggle with doubting myself and get support from the lovely ladies on this forum 🙂 I think once you make the decision and plan to leave as much as the journey of getting out and staying out is not easy in the long run it will be worth it xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you ladies its so hard because in my head I know its not right I know I did everything I could when we were together to make him happy and it was never enough my life is getting back on track now I am re-building my relationships with my family and friends again, my kids are having days out with me I don’t have to live on eggshells, I don’t even miss him everyday I just get these moments where the panic and what ifs creep back in and he is loving on his “good days” I think that’s what I miss but your right I need to remember how unhappy I was with him and he disregarded my feelings constantly, even now saying to me that he could go out and get any girl he wants because he’s good looking but then adding I am the only one he wants is a double edge sword I said to him you may think you can get any girl you want but you have to be beautiful inside too to keep her ! xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you ladies for your supportive replies 🙂 I ended it because of how he kept treating me & i just have to ride the stormy days because I know deep down if he really loved me the way he said he did he would not have spent so much time punishing me, he could see how much his ways were affecting me I felt so ill & drained but he just had no fight in him to change he was more concerned about making sure I didn’t tell anyone how he was treating me and then preaching about how he would’nt fight for me because Im the one asking him to leave! I don’t think asking to be loved in the right way is so difficult because I know If I was the reason our relationship went wrong and I loved him like he was meant to love me I would of been fighting not making excuses & playing mind games I can see more clearly today he missed the big picture that he completely had all of me it was just never going to be enough for him because he is abusive, he never cared about me enough he cared more about himself and would rather loose me because he lost control and couldn’t keep me like a prisoner! the penny has finally dropped today I had a wobble but I’m feeling focused again xx

[Sparkle1]

I think he knows how to play me he said that he would of let me go that he doesn’t want to be with me if I don’t want him anymore I said I had no choice you made me ill with his questioning accusing & silence doesn’t mean you just stop loving them because it’s not always bad but surely if they really loves us they wouldn’t make us suffer under their control xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you for your replies I think Its more about what I wanted to be we have only be married [detail removed by moderator] months I’m so sad and disappointed that it didn’t work but I know deep down I tried everything I could xx

[Sparkle1]

I’m in the freedom programme programme I was referred by my local domestic abuse helpline I just start to feel better then something else happens and I’m a complete wreck again I feel so angry inside because I turned into a silent mouse throughout my relationship and now I’m out I feel broken I was such a bubbly confident girl when he met me and resent him for turning me into someone I don’t even recognise anymore 🙁 xx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you winterblues2 i am so up and down one minute i feel like crying and the next i feel angry i suppressed myself so much when i was with him its like my emotions are all over the place since being away from him xx

[Sparkle1]

Hi Pixiedust

Sorry to hear your feeling so scared my husband was not physically abusive either but he was mentally abusive, it completely drains every part of you and leaves you unable to function properly I am out of it now it hasn’t been long and I am slowly re-building my better life for me and my children, you have the right as a human being to live your life without being controlled, manipulated and disrespected! I hope you find the strength to leave it never changes big hugs xxx

[Sparkle1]

Thank you for all your replies, I think I just need to give myself time I really wanted to feel myself again after getting out and show my friends and family that I am getting back to normal life but it just hasn’t been that easy its the damage your still left with after they’ve gone that makes you realise what they have put you through but I am still going strong I’m back at work and have made no contact even at times where I wanted to because its all you’ve known, I just keep having a word with myself and reminding myself that it will get better in time xx

[Sparkle1]

Thanks Confused123 for your reply I just hate feeling so up and down xx

[Sparkle1]

My ex is in counselling snd on medication but nothing has changed, he too promises to stop his controlling ways and give me a normal life when I end it but as soon as I give him the chance it slowly starts again it’s like being on a merry go round and the only way it will stop if you get off, it hasn’t been long for me this time but with the help of woman’s aid I am getting the support I need to stay away for good this time, i hope you get the support you need from them and start re-building your happier life xx

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