weather

[weather]

Dear Strong Life,

Thank you for your warning. The person isn’t a perpetrator but is someone I used to be friends with when I was with my ex-abusive partner, who, thank the heavens, he never met. This person is someone that I feel I can trust and is also anti-domestic abuse. I keep away from toxic abusive people and listen to my instincts now, which I never did as a younger person.

Today, I was even asked why I’m not married and hated having to justify my reasons for not wanting to get married. I’ll also be planning to cut myself off from that person. I like being single and am trying to claim back elements of the person I once was before I met my perpetrator. It’s hard and there are so many things in daily life that can trigger my C-PTSD. At the moment keeping busy helps me and I am so grateful that I have a job which keeps me safe. I am grateful for being alive right now, as so many women and men die trying to escape their abusers. I’m a thriver.

Keep well and safe,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Browneyedmum,
It is so reassuring to read your message. I also had to retrain and am so thankful that I was able to; as I’d be homeless and jobless right now if I hadn’t. Apart from the severe bouts of C-PTSD and loneliness, I’m not doing too badly. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been out of my domestic situation and there have been so many obstacles since I left. But, as you mention, it’s been empowering and I never thought I could’ve done it so many years ago. I had lost who I was and only realised my self-worth once I decided to leave. It’s very challenging and scary to leave at any age from DV and more so when you’ve been informed of how worthless you are, which is a form of gaslighting by the perpetrator, who only wishes to feed off your inner power. I now live and work in a place where I never thought I’d end up and I will also have to work past 60, if my health allows.

I hope you and Secret6 continue to gain your agency and autonomy, as I have.

[weather]

Dear Swanlake,

Thank you for your response, as it makes me realise that I am not alone. I hope you continue to feel safe and free.

[weather]

Thank you, Hereforhelp and Jasminum,

I appreciate your response.

Stay safe,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Rainydays,

I am so sorry you’re having to endure such an abusive situation and clearly being coerced into such acts of self-harm. My abuser also coerced me sexually and economically. Since leaving my abuser I have just met more men like my abuser and accepted my life as a single person. I sincerely hope that you’re able to seek help soon and place yourself in a much safer location where you’re away from the abuser. I realise it isn’t easy and you’ll need all the strength and support you can muster to get out of this situation.

Please keep on posting here if you need any further support.

Hoping you stay safe and well,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Stawberrysun,
I experience the same level of loneliness, even though I no longer reside with my perpetrator. I recall how jealous and envious everyone I ever knew from the past was about my marriage. My ex was very good at putting on an act of deceit and even towards the bitter end, was so proficient at convincing everyone that I was the toxic one. It has been a long time now and I suffer from C-PTSD, which is hard to manage at times. I’ve moved locations so many times and am somewhere finally, where I haven’t had to move from and resided for the longest since leaving my perpetrator. I get scared sometimes that he’ll find out where I am, but have to remind myself that his new supply will be his main concern now and not me.

I am so sorry to hear that you are still living with your perpetrator and that you’re suffering from depression. I sincerely hope that you’re able to resolve your situation and also realise how hard it is to just change everything for the better. The abuse is long-term and I am not even sure how long it will take for me to place everything I went through behind me.

Wishing you a lot of comfort,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Oblivious,

Thank you for your message. Your story really makes me realise how much debt I escaped from when I left my perpetrator, who was a spoilt bully. I sincerely wish there was something I could suggest to help you. I did look into taking my abuser to court due to the emotional and physical harm he inflicted on me, and on speaking to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, learnt that you only have (4)-years to make a claim for damages and am not sure if this would apply for financial losses. I also realise that certain elements of the judicial procedure can be triggering and extremely hard to navigate. I hope that you are able to resolve or regain some of your losses. I do believe in Karma and eventually, all of that bad energy will catch up with the perpetrators.

Wishing you an element of peace,

W

[weather]

Dear Smallbutstrong,

Thank you for your message. I really like your choice of name, because we are small but strong. I am really trying to stay safe and recently blocked someone to keep myself safe. I’ve tried to reside in a number of locations and ended up being isolated due to what I’ve been through. I also realise that you can’t really introduce yourself to people you meet as, ‘Well, I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence’… It’s hard no matter where you go and I don’t feel safe where I am, but a target for further abuse. I also don’t want to explain, justify, and feel more coercive control or psychotic abuse from men and women that I meet.

I am so hoping that you manage to meet and make friends with people that are positive.

Thank you again for your message.

Lots of kindness sent your way,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Mom of two,

I am sincerely sorry that you are experiencing religious coercive control. You’re loved and it should not consist of you feeling subservient to someone else. I really hope you are able to source an element of comfort soon and if you are not safe then please see if you can find some support, and I realise how hard it is.

All my best wishes to you,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Oblivious,

Thank you for your reassuring comments. I’m so hoping that you manage to get the support you deserve from the agencies you’ve mentioned and that you also manage to resolve your issues. I find it quite hard to trust support agencies due to the manner in which I was treated and sincerely hope that things have changed and that you will be able to source the support you need. Please keep messaging if you can and the best of luck with your journey to freedom.

The best of everything for you …,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Oblivious,

Thank you for sharing your comments.

I am so sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through this. I was also messed around by solicitor(s) and legal advisors. In the end, I had to cut my losses and just LEAVE. To be left with nothing and to endure years of economic abuse is hard and debilitating. I can’t suggest anything, as I don’t feel that’s my place to make advisory comments, but I sincerely hope you’re able to source some form of peace with what’s ahead, as it isn’t easy. I wanted to also thank you for sharing your story as it has helped me to feel less alone.

Please keep posting and I hope to hear from you soon.

Keep safe,
Weather

[weather]

Dear Ladies,

I realise I’ve posted a few comments here regarding this topic, but I’d also just like to mention another; abusive men and women can come from a variety of ethnicities, and religious and social backgrounds. They don’t all have to have stereotypical characteristics of Muslim men. Yes, there are some cultures and religious texts that are more predominantly veered towards being patriarchal, and certain aspects of religious texts are open to being misrepresentative of the truth by certain religious groups, who are abusive. I would question everything and anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and seek support from someone you can trust, because if something doesn’t feel right to you, then I’m sure it isn’t.

The best of luck, Songbird1, in your quest to keep safe and well,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Pineapple,

I am so sorry to hear that you have to ensure this situation. I saved as much as I could in an email account I had, and it was only (detail removed by Moderator) that I discovered that my ex had access to my password before I changed it and was tracking my emails. Please make sure that the email account is confidential. I also had a few friends that I trusted at the time and they also stored a police report for me involving my ex. All recordings and images I had were shown to the police. Also, bank statements showing my ex’s drinking problem were also shown (detail removed by Moderator) and this also included images of him taking drugs. But, Pineapple be very careful, as it’s a blame-the-victim world out there and this is something you’d want to avoid. For example, nobody believed me when I informed them of what my ex did and I became the scapegoat of a lot of blame. (detail removed by Moderator)

I wish you all the luck in the world with your situation, and please keep safe,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Mellow,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to endure so much pain from what sounds like a narcissist. I was also married to a nar’, who had an alter-ego the size of (2) buses. He thought that he was the greatest gift to women. I remember him boasting about how many women he’d slept with and on last seeing him; he showed me an image on his phone of a woman that looked exactly like me, but a younger version. My ex also had many children by other women, and to put the icing on the cake, he wanted me to financially support them all. Well, I am clearly out of relationships and have been single for many years now. It does get lonely at times and I am also very isolated, but at least I’m not dying every day. I’d also like to assure you that you are not being ‘punished’, which is what I thought at the time of my abuse. You are worth so much more than the abuse you’ve had to endure and it’s not your FAULT or your responsibility to feel as if it was. I now live each day as it comes and am hoping that I find a way of living with my PTSD and eventually find a place I can call home.

I hope my comments have helped you, and I sincerely hope you manage to get the support you deserve.

Take care and stay safe,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Discombobulated,

I can relate to your comments. I was also let down by services that should have helped me. I was made homeless by my ex and had to move to another part of the country to rehouse myself. Where it was just awful. I’m currently suffering from Arthritis and was informed by PIP that I’m fine and entitled to nothing. It’s very hard when you become anxious due to your disability and I’m just trying to survive. I did manage to seek advice from the Citizen’s Advice Bureau regarding my housing needs many years ago and they were the only service that didn’t let me down. I ended up staying in my marital home until I had to leave. I couldn’t afford an occupational order, non-molestation order or an injunction against my abuser and many legal services had let me down to the point of supporting my ex-husband. In the end, I just had to cut my losses and move. Since then, I’ve lived on my own and made sure everything is my name. I don’t want to end up homeless again. There isn’t much support for women who have gone through domestic abuse and the abuse just doesn’t end when you leave. Years of PTSD from my immediate family and the relationships I’ve had have taken their toll on me emotionally. All I want is peace.

I sincerely hope you manage to resolve your issues, and wish you all the luck on staying safe,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Fairyliquid,

I am really disappointed to hear about what you’ve had to endure and the loss of your family members. I also lived with a Nar’ and I fully understand the traits of one. I was primarily used and coerced economically, and still cannot believe how I was treated by the services that should have protected me. I also feel that the years I spent with the abuser were a complete waste of my life and I sometimes look back and think of how much the gaslighting has affected me. I like you, wasn’t able to develop as a person and forget about having friends that he didn’t criticise or belittle. Just like some of the stories posted on this segment, my abuser was also grooming his new supply and the (2) of them were planning on harming me to acquire even more financial gains. I believe he met this other person through one of his usual alcoholic venues or maybe even through a friend. I no longer want to even think about the (2) of them and wish to never see their nefarious faces again. I got out and am free now. Yes, I get PTSD and that’s understandable, but the core aspect of my life is that I am FREE. I died so many times when I was with the abuser, it wasn’t a life, but a torture chamber riddled with fear, self-doubt, and sickness, and my goodness I so wanted to leave him when I initially met him.

I sincerely hope you remain safe, as that’s the hardest part and unfortunately, there is a lot of these nar’s that tend to gravitate towards gifted, talented and empathic women.

Wishing you all the safety and luck that I can muster,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Shipoffools,

Thank you for your message. I did email my friend from the past and spoke to her via WhatsApp. It actually went much better than I’d expected, and yes, you are right, she isn’t really in my life or has been until I made contact with her via email. I have moved on and don’t even reside in the same country as her. I just wanted to connect with her to see how she was because she initially saw me in the state I was in when I’d instigated leaving my ex-abusive husband. She never met my husband and she’s someone I feel I can trust. It’s hard living somewhere that’s completely different and where I have no friends. I’ve actually lived like this for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years and it is taking its toll on me. I don’t want to explain my reasons for not being able to make friends, but I know that most of it has to do with my past abusive upbringing.

Thank you, for reading my message.

Keep well and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Weather, 😀

[weather]

Dear Songbird,

I hope that you are safe and well.

I am a Muslim, have read about Islam thoroughly, and continue to inform myself on various branches of the faith. Please be assured that your safety is of utmost importance in Islam and nobody should be forcing or projecting their individual interpretation of Islam onto you. The prophet (PBUH) did not force believers into the faith and mostly lived by example. I would consult your local Women’s Aid centre regarding your concerns and if it helps, even try seeing if you can source an outreach worker to help you with the issues you are facing. Islam is primarily about working in the community and if that aspect of Islam can help you, then see if you can reach out to help services locally. Again, please remember that my comments are mere suggestions and in no way should they be interpreted as forced actions you should take.

I sincerely wish you all the peace and support you can gain with the issues you are currently facing.

Keep safe and well, Sister.

Weather

[weather]

Dear All,

Thank you for all of your good wishes and encouraging messages. I currently don’t have any friends where I am and it’s sometimes difficult to see what you’ve actually achieved until someone points it out.
So thank you everyone for being happy for me and for all of your precious messages.

Please keep safe and I look forward to posting more positive stories in this segment,

Weather

[weather]

Thank you for your message, Minimeerkat. I’ve been away from my usual place of work and have had a lot of time alone, which has triggered my PTSD. I’m hoping to go back to work soon, so this will give me the opportunity to gain my self-worth and feel less alone, as I have this summer.

Please keep in touch.

Weather

[weather]

Thank you, Lover of No Contact. Your message means a lot to me.

[weather]

Dear SingleMomSurvivor,
Thank you for your message. It means a lot to me to know that I am on the right track. I’m so pleased that I have inspired you and find myself doing things that I never thought that I could when I lived under the cloud of DV. Please keep in touch and I’ll let you know how my holidays pan out.

Thank you and your positive message will stay with me,

Weather 😍

[weather]

Dear Pigeonperson,

Thank you so much for your message. I’ve read it at the right time and have been having a few bad days recently due to PTSD and being off work hasn’t been helpful in distracting me. I was feeling really low again today and then read your message, which really helped me to stay in the present. I sometimes cherish the present so much, as 2023 is so much better than the years I spent with my ex-abusive husband. I actually haven’t met anyone appropriate and remain single due to the awareness I’ve gained through reading about domestic abuse. It’s easier to stay reclusive, single and not venture out or meet other people. But, then is it really easy? No, it’s hard and today was very hard as I haven’t spoken to anyone and it all came flooding back, the PTSD. I feel as if PTSD is a demon that tries to overtake all the good I’ve achieved and it’s usually a voice or a flashback that my mother and ex-husband created, as they were so similar in their form of abuse. So today, I tried to go for a swim which didn’t help to suppress the demon and ended up crying on my return. I have tried looking at the Bloom courses but found them to be patronizing and a bit like doing a CPD course at work, so have decided to abandon the site. It just makes me so indignant that the abusers don’t have to participate in courses or endure years of PTSD. What did I do to deserve this? Absolutely NOTHING. I feel as if I am getting angry now and this is just exhausting.

I hope to hear from you again.

Weather.

[weather]

Dear Lookingforpeace,

I am sorry to hear about what you’ve had to endure. Domestic abuse is a very lonely and isolating experience. I can’t advise or tell you what to do; as it’s entirely your decision to make the choices you’d like to undertake. I can only share parts of my own story and hope that it helps you to feel less isolated. I was also with a partner that ended up blaming me for his addictions and actions. I knew deep down that my ex-husband wasn’t the right person for me, and I was also desperately lonely and often sad in my relationship with him. It took me years of abuse to finally end my marriage and attempt to walk away. It wasn’t easy as I have an abusive family and had nowhere else to go for support, so was made homeless essentially when I left my marital home. I sometimes wonder how I got away and the sheer luck I had. With all that blame and sadness came my freedom. I have moments when I think about my marriage and then, the clarity resurfaces again and I remember what I left behind. I’m hoping that you resolve your issues and ultimately find some peace, as suggested in your username.

Take good care and see if you can look forward,

Weather

[weather]

Thank you for sharing your story. For years I thought that my ex-abusive husband would change, i.e., stop the drugs, drinking, stealing, womanising, and the incestuous relationship he had with his sister. How could I have loved, cared for and eventually married such a vile person? All because of the unhealed past childhood trauma I experienced as a young person. We act out what we internalise from our own parents. Looking back, I can see my ex-husband for who he is; a personification of my own abusive mother. He only found people attractive whom he could coerce into thinking he needed their life savings to spend on more drugs. I don’t feel I have ‘Stokhome’ syndrome anymore and realise that he has gone on to abuse even more people. It was this realisation that helped me to break my silence and it set me FREE from him and other people just like him. Perpetrators all go on abusing other people and when the act of pretending to not be abusive falls, they’ll either try to destroy you or be in the process of grooming someone else.

You did the right thing, and your children come to thank you for it, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now. Please remain safe and look towards a life of freedom.

[weather]

Dear Watersprite, I can relate to your story. I had the same problem last year and was unfortunately ripped off. I was not able to retrieve the money I lost but learnt a big lesson, which is, to listen to my instincts. I’ll also be carrying out further repair work this year and will not hire men who make me feel uncomfortable or display misogynistic traits of any kind. I don’t want a summer of feeling vulnerable as I did last year and have already blocked one person, who was engaging in criminal activity. Meeting other men/or women can trigger PTSD and we have to trust our gut feelings.

[weather]

Thank you for sharing your little and very important WIN. Yes, you are winning each day that you’re not reliant on an abuser. They perish when we take away control and fear. Well done, for fixing that loo and for posting your message.
When I left my abuser I learnt to: control the bills, start a postgraduate degree, represent myself in court, cut a hedge, manage my finances, move locations all by myself to start a new job and return to see him in court, take on a rundown property where I painted my bedroom, mowed my lawn and survived without a proper bathroom and kitchen, moved again for employment and finally learnt how to drive.

You can do anything without fear and abuse in your life.

I wish everyone a safe journey out of domestic abuse,

Weather, xxx

[weather]

Dear Pigeonperson,

Thank you for posting your comments and for being so brutally honest. I can completely resonate with the comments you’ve made and also come from a culturally secular background, even though I grew up in a Muslim household. I can’t say too much about my ex or how I ended up being subjected to domestic violence, as it could identify me. I’d like to say so much more about the comments you’ve mentioned but feel constrained due to safeguarding reasons. I will say one thing though, after being made homeless by my biological mother at a very young age and then later in life by an abusive ex-husband; I’d like to see how many people would continue to sustain their belief. As an adult, I take full responsibility for the mistakes I’ve made and I’ve made quite a few. I do believe in Karma and I also believe in progressive Islam, which may not fit everyone’s interpretation of Islam. But, after experiencing numerous counts of abuse at the initial hands of my family and then, by an abusive ex-husband that I thought was someone who I could trust. I prefer to stay away from organised religious events and focus on what I can develop in myself.
Please continue to make your comments, as it’s always good to hear from people who have less dogmatic views.

Take care,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Discombobulated,

Thank you for your message and for sharing your concerns. Be careful of when an abuser goes silent as they could be planning something awful. Have an exit plan; be sure to have a bag ready or your items stored with a trusted friend. I didn’t have anyone at the time of my departure, but had found a job away from the area of my abuse and managed to hire a removal van so that I could shift the bulk of my belongings. It’s hard and I hope you remain safe.

I look forward to hearing from you again, as it’s very isolating to experience domestic violence.

Lots of good karma your way,

Weather

[weather]

Dear Watersprite, I can relate to your story. I had the same problem last year and was unfortunately ripped off. I was not able to retrieve the money I lost but learnt a big lesson in listening to my instincts. I’ll also be carrying out further repair work this year and will not hire men who make me feel uncomfortable or display misogynistic traits of any kind. I don’t want a summer of feeling vulnerable as I did last year and have already blocked one person, who was engaging in criminal activity. Meeting other men/or women can trigger PTSD and we have to trust our gut feelings.

[Author]

Posts