brokenheartedgirl1234

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

atleast when i was with him i had someone with me

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

everyone told me to leave him but where is all the support now? theres only o much i can speak to my own family about

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

also you can get an IDVA from victims support.. out of every charity victims support was the most helpful hands down!

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

not 111 sorry thats the nhs line 101 is the number to call best wishes and lots of love xxx

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hi Milktray, keep logs and evidence for each time he breaks his bail conditions.
then show this to the police dial 111 and say you are bei g harassed.
dont regret giving your statement, i fely like this too!
maybe there are some charities which can help.. i suggest trying to get a IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate) it will take 6-8 weeks but this person can literally help your case and push forward things with the police as well as check up on you.
if you are feeling sad please do a self refferal to talking therapies every borough has this and its free they offer CBT and if they dont think this is appropriate they will refer u to secondary MH care.

your post is very true tho everyone tells us to leave and report but no one is there for us in the end.
focus on the friend that is there for u and try joining the freedom programme u will meet other dv survivors and maybe feel less alone cus they have been through the same thing.

i am sorry you went through all that and in this holy month of ramadan i will pray for god to make things easier for you and grant you ease.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

i went back after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and the abuse was much worse. I was pregnant and lost the baby due to his abuse. Me holding his baby was not enough for him to change it actually made him more angry and sinister towards me.
every single time i left and came back he got more dangerous towards me physically and emotionally.
these relationships never ever work and its so hard to leave. when i left for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks for the first time it was sad and hard but my final time leaving (6th time) i felt like i was dying without him i wanted to run back to him but i knew he was dangerous.

every time you leave and go back you lose a piece of yourself and it gets even harder to leave.. its like walking into a death trap.
things never get better with these men and they never change.
when i left loads of people told me im lucky because im free. i didnt feel free i felt like i lost the love of my life. as months pass by without hearing his voice i feel like i can do my hair the way i want to without him forcing me to change it, i can wear makeup if i want to, i can speak to my friends and family again, i can aspire to be anything i want to, i can go to the shops by myself. i wasnt allowed to do any of those things.
thats freedom. you get freedom and safety leaving an abuser it gets better 🙂

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi keepbeingbrave,

your words and story gives us all hope thank you so much for sharing you are truly a beautiful inspiring soul

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

i think it depends on how long you were in the relationship.. like if u was in one for a year give yourself about a year to get over things. if you have a therapist thats great.
i think the worst thing would be to start dating again when u havent done any work on yourself. make sure your really fulfilled and ur self confidence is super high before you start dating. the datu=ing game is terrible if u have low esteem you will be burned easily and attract really horrid men so if you feel your ready do so.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi wantstohelp,

thank you so much for that link and for ur advice! i have spoken to miscarriage association and they were brilliant!

the reason why i think i have brain damage is bevaise my ex often attacked my head (he knew no bruises would show) i would never be able to go doctors as he wouldnt allow me to see docyors or hospotal.
i had repeated blows on my head with hard metal objects and i have been smashed against walls. this was also during my pregnancy and i have seen any form of head injury will cause the foetus to be at risk and thats what happened. 🙁

i have memory problems now and difficulty concentrating and chronic headaches i feel there must be something wrong with me. traumtic brain injury and dv victims there is a strong link.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

did you manage to get diagnosed with any conditions? im worried i have traumatic brain injury and this was linked to my miscarriage when my ex attacked me.

i just want these emotions to disappear because nothing is going right for me and me dreaming about him isnt helping.
i really hope that happens to me! i just want a job and something positive i can focus on!

i have no counselling or anything the iapt is still deciding what treatment to give me i will know soon but i have just been waiting for AGES! i feel frustrated

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi kip i am so happy for you your such a strong woman <3 your truly an inspiration!

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I am so proud of you and you and your family are in my prayers!
<3
if you need any support speak to womens aid or other dv charities they help with housing! YOU GOT THIS!

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

lets say i do tell thr truth about my ex marriage there will be my new partner most definately forcing me to say whats happened. if i say it was because of compaitbiliyy issues and lie i will be judged if i say i was abused he will beat me up and see that im a victim and use it against me. i dont win by telling the truth i just trap myself from being explouted again

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

i feel so let down by everyone in my community i thought i would be protected if i stayed with my husbands parents but they also joined in on the beef and enjoyed me getting beaten up. hell they even hit me too,
if i ever got beats my mother in law would say i deserveed it because i wasnt respecting him.
im so let down so i might aswell lie because these people are all backwards.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi gettingtired,

thanks for your response and support!
i am very ancious by everyones olden day opinions, but unofrtuantely it is the case.
i am yet to meet someone who has accepted a divorcee.

men from my community just prefer women to be pure although they do whatever they want before marriage. its a huge double standard.

if i tell thr truth about my past yes someone may agree to marry me but they will most definately hold it against me and treat me like a second class person. they may even threaten to get another wife because i slept wirth my ex hubby.

like even my ex judghed me for having a bf befor him although he had so much gfs and slept around.
like he was the only one who had sex with me and he hated me for beinf kissed by someone else.
yes hes in prison for that reason.

the thing is gettingtired my ex used to say if i ever leave him no one will want me again because i was mafrried before but for him it would be easy to move on.
as much as i want to think hes wrong he is completely right.
hes not the first person whos said that it would be hard once i have this divrice stamped across ny forhead.

i have no children by my ex but i had a miscarriage before which may come up on records but stil i know its possible to hide. if i marry someone who isnt controlling they wont pry as much as my ex did.

sometimes i wish i was from a more accepting ethnicity. i would have left him sooner. the thought of being a divorcee scared me so i stayed. as i thought no one will ever love me again.

but the fact that i can hide it gives me hope i have the chance of happiness again.
its not the ideal situation (detail removed by Moderator)
i am hiding my ex marriage for safety and not being exploited.
(detail removed by Moderator)

i wont be able to marry from a different community or religion so thats why i must hide this.
(detail removed by Moderator) i am saying this as muskim woman.(detail removed by Moderator) it hurts me alot and i know there may be goodd people but i havent met any

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi hereforhelp,

i just truly know its my only chance at happiness and a new life without abuse.
all ive ever known of was my past to be used against me.
(detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator) hacent moved forward but due to my cultural and islamic beliefs i have to marry again into this. i know i feel like im putting alot of pressure on mysself but ive barely even lefty the marriage its just been recent and i am already treated as an outcast so i just feel its necessary.

i know its a big lie to hide but it is possible right?
i will begin to date again once im healed and i want to be a new person, i dont want to feel like a victim. i want to be a survivor who has a new better life.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

my mum says if ur husband wants to meet the family how will u hide this?
but im thinking my extended family dont give a shit aout me they just wanna make comments i might aswell act like they dont exist.
i know it sounds terrible but people are aonly around to gossip.

its a big secret to hide but if i do everything to conceal it and get a restraining order from the ex when he comes out from prison i should be able to hide this

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi KIP,

I really do want to heal before i start something new.
but i want to hide that ive been married before, i know it might creep up but if im good i can hide this by changing emails, number and my own name.
it does seem unethical but ive always had my past used against me and i dont want what happened to me be the story of my life.
if i hide it ptoperly theres a chance it wont come out.
finding a life partner who will accept me for me may be possible but men from my commuity have a habit of bringing up past (despite what they have done themselves) and use it against women.

i think its possible, people from my community arent so liberal.
so i will be stuck with the really horrid men who would want me as a second wife.

there wont be traces of the marriage as i wasnt legally registered only word of mouth and if i lay low no one will ever know.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

(detail removed by Moderator) are decpetive they lie about how many girls they were before marriage and they also get married and have second wives in secret.
if (detail removed by Moderator) knew ive been married before they wont treat me right so this seems the only option.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

I just really miss my bestfrind and I hate that she’s not there for me it makes me want to cry so much how she’s ignoring me.
I feel really lonely and sad and i just can’t stop crying. like Yeh everyone screams and says leave your abuser but what about when we do leave
does anyone tell u how sad and even more lonely it is. sometimes I wish I was still with him even tho he hits me. at least I would have someone to talk to and hug me I’m really lonely

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

A complainant who is threatened with violence by an offender immediately before a request for sex is made is unlikely to be exercising a free choice. Assuming that the complainant has both the freedom and capacity to consent, the crucial question is whether the complainant agrees to the activity by choice.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/crime-info/sexual-offences

i think this means if your partner was violent before the sex or u was threatened he will hit u so u had sex to keep the peace its rape by law check out the cps website

i hope your okay and sending my prayers over to you angel

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Also, in terms of that happening to you I hope you have recieved help and I will pray for you. thats not an easy thing to go through and you probably felt really confused. I am really sorry to hear that and if u ever need to talk about it with someone please feel free to message me <3

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi KIP im so sorry to hear that happened to you 🙁 its amazing how you use your experiences to help so many of us here on the forum. I have tried the freedom programme, i stopped attending due to stress.
i currently read why does he do that by lundy bancroft.
THATS SO TRUE! i dont know if u have seen three girls on netflix? its about these young girls who get abused by OLDDD men and i find that the tactics of these older men were similar to my ex.
Also the way the girls feared the men and were scared to report it felt like i was looking at myself.
if you havent watch it its so sad and its based on a true story.
i also find murdered by my boyfriend on the BBC good but even from watching that at a young age and even knowing the signs i feel as u did say we are in denial. so its scary how will we know whats happened before wont happen to us again?
i know so many girls who are often abused just repeat the same cycles and now i am worried this is all i will attract.
i feel like happily ever afters dont exist anymore and i used to be really big on love and romance.

its sad because these men move on like they havent hurt us and hell they even blame us for their inhumane actions. but we sit here and we suffer.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hello Everyone! Hope you are enjoying your halloween with a scary movie and some chocolate!
thank you all very much for the support! i dont feel as alone <3

@eggshells i am really sorry for your loss.. i believe our unborn babies are in heaven now waiting for us in a garden we will meet them soon! i feel the trauma of losing my baby made me rely on him more i didnt want to leave because i was bonded to him through that. he would say if we have another baby it will just be like our first one they will look the same because the baby was half me half him. this made me wanna stay more i wanted that abusive mans baby so it can be like my baby that passed. i know i sound crazy but i just feel like another baby with someone else wont be as special as the one i lost (that sounds terrible but yeh 🙁 i just really wanted my angel).

@lovinglife and @eggshells i am not able to go to a refuge at the moment financially i have to rely on my family at the moment i am really struggling just hoping to find work. i also have a lot of fears living alone , what if my exes family or his friends find me and pressure me to drop the case against him. i really struggle to be independent, i think my family are okay i just sit in my room most of the time. thank you so much <3

@KIP you are so strong for doing this! i am afraid i will just end up barely having anyone if i was to do this as i am a socially awkward person and find it very difficult to make friends.
this is why my ex went after me he loved how introverted i was and he made sure he was my only friend.
its hard but as you say choose distance over disrespect <3

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hi Numbnumb,

Its normal to miss your husband don’t feel bad for having those feelings. Pain does’nt mean you made the wrong descision when we get lonely and scared enough it can trick us. But if you left because ur husband kept crossing lines just know you made the right descion and YOUR FUTURE YOU will LOVE YOU FOR THIS!

Once i remmeber i was trying to leave my husband and i hopped on to the bus and heard other men speaking about porn and women in a degrading way. It made me run home back to my abusive husband and even give him flowers after our fight (when he was in the wrong). i though choosing my hubby is the lesser of two evils.
maybe we shouldnt choose between the lesser of two evils maybe we should get someone completely different.

if the guy reminded you of your husband lookswise/personality wise i can really see how this is upsetting and it may make u long for him.
as time goes by you will come to realise you dont want someone who is anything like your husband at all.

i ran back to my husband a million times because i missed him, a few seconds of him being the nice guy in the begining wasnt worth the pain he caused me.
The earlier you leave and never go back the more its better the longer we stay the more we suffer.

i really feel the same way as u i miss my husband like crazy but i know hopefully one day looking over the pics of my bruises, the medical records, the memories (good and bad) i will see it for what it is.
the times these men are nice to us isnt genuine either its to groom us.

you deserve more and dont worry its normal to miss him, watch a funny tv show, see some friends, pray to god, eat some nice food, go shopping or wear a face mask do what you love doing.
do what you couldnt do when u was with him!
we are all here for you 🙂 <3

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

my ex called ME abusive he harmed himself and said i did it,he also said i gaslight him and im controlling.
this was the same man that would make me stare at the floor when men are around, not have men friends, controlled what i wore, blocked my siblings from my phone.
these men control us and make us crazy!

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi amipermanentlybroken,

this guy seems great and really supportive.. but maybe speaking to another man right now isnt the ideal thing to do. maybe you need more time for yourself and once you recover you can speak to him or someone else.

however, if you do really want to speak to him i suggest going to therapy and working through ur issues of the abuse and take things very slow with him and enjoy it.. falling in love again is going to be such a beautiful experience for u and its so exciting! dont be afraid not all men are terrible

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi ddia,

i am so sorry you are going through this, it is terrible!

have a look at this thread i posted two months ago i went through the same thing and theres loads of responses on what to do:
https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/bad-dreams-every-night-and-i-wake-up-feeling-depressed/

Trust me as days go on you will be stronger and hopefully dream of him less. we are all here for you!
its great that you are exercising and taking care of yourself..

try do these steps (this is what i did)
1) get yourself a korean sheet mask garnier sell them.. i put one every week and it makes me feel amazing 🙂
2) treat yourself because leaving an abusive man is the hardest thing to ever do! you got this!
make sure you talk to someone about the dreams, the reason you may be experiencing this is because u are going through the abuse in your head(i do this almost every hour of every day).

3)start journalling and defo go get therapy from IAPT as eggshells mentioned there is a waiting list but its worth it.
4)educate yourself on abusers they groom us! read why does he do that, us women on the forum love that book.

YOU GOT THIS!
the dreams do eventually stop i will pray for you! sending you hugs 🙂

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

hi get in touch with victims support, you will be given a advisor who can work with u on ur case, they can allocate u a lawyer who can give u advice. waiting time is long but its worth it!

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

thank you for sharing all this info and your own stories you all truly are amazing women and i pray to god that we recieve ease and a better life <3

@wantstohelp i will contact ROSA thankyou very much for clarifying and i am hoping for my second sexual experience its with someone who will love and appreciate me.. i will pray for this and i believe god will help me. i will never settle for a shitty controlling abusive man ever again!

@KIP that is so true! whenever my husband said he wasnt in the mood i compeletky stopped trying to initiate things and wouldnt want it too! its sad that he couldnt do the same! but that mindset is a clever way of putting it. everything my husband did i wouldnt have ever done to him. i have reported the sexual assault and i hope the police takes it seriously im just worried he might get a really long sentence i feel really bad if he does (he has done quite alot of things to me so thats why i think he may be in prison for long).
do you know whether its easy for the perp to get an aquittal if they have like (detail removed by moderator) separate charges aghainst the victim?

@smallssteps@atime i am sorry that you had to go through this too and i pray to god that you heal from this. my heart really goes out to you 🙁 its terrible how someone we trusted did this to us!
but i believe one day god will deliver justice and we will be happy again

@numbumblebee i am so sorry you went through this and thank you for your story i do not feel alone because you and everyone else here make me feel so much better i feel like if we are all sitting here and living we can do this we got this. after all this abuse i attempted to take my own life i took some pills it didnt do anything. we all left and thats the biggest thing! i know how u feel like its terrible your husband did that because husbands are supposed to be our everything our protectors. i saw my husband as my everything im not with him anymore but i still refer to him as my husband. he was my first i saved myself for marriage 🙁 i hope society evolves in a way were our body count doesnt matter.

@maddog thank you so much for taking time out of ur day to respond to me <3 i will have a look at rape crisis

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