Nova

[Nova]

That’s really tough as they seem all lovely to everyone. My horrible ex was exactly that! Took me years to figure him out…I had to leave & go no contact. I know that’s a huge decision & has to be absolutely safe & supported by professionals. It’s not an easy choice to make as they play constant mind games …so you have no idea what’s actually going on…he’s manipulative & controlling that’s abuse, it all goes on & ppl you know wonder …really who is she talking about, seems so nice etc!

We all know about that & are here to support each other!

Any time chat 🙂 Nova

[Nova]

100% with you iliketea…& great supporting words from all other women!

It’s TOUGH I feel v similar I do wonder like you what the heck happened…things do seem meaningless & heavy like walking through mud, & everything takes so much effort. I won’t go on as I can hear myself being dreary! But we are with you & I do wish I actually knew you all to go for coffee! Imagine the chats we’d have!

Best wishes & hugs.. Nova

[Nova]

Sorry to hear this…I can relate ppl just say whatever they want, they seem even less concerned to think about the effect on the person! Like anything goes! Say what you like as if it doesn’t matter!

My sister ( the only person I’ve really confided in) said a similar thing recently (she’s a tricky person who I supported through her tough times!)..however she starts saying (detail removed by moderator)…rubbing it in…how we looked happy! All fake & her pretending like that’s an innocent ok comment! How utterly insensitive & cruel they can be!

Omg I told her a million times do not mention him to me ever again. Why do they do that? It’s like she actually enjoying seeing me upset seriously I think I need a desert island!

I hope you find some peace & quiet too 🤗 thank G we can share experiences!

Nova

[Nova]

Hi Dobedo

I understand your distress, its part of complex ptsd! As others have suggested counselling is a must to explore complex feelings & it helped me validate the experience as it’s so overwhelming & confusing & As we know manipulation over time feeds into cognitive dissonance, minimising… what’s real ? who is he ?what’s actually happening etc… Landing back in the ‘real world’ away from the abuser & & the reality of abuse takes time…it will I feel be with me forever (to a greater /lesser degree…depending on triggers)

I accept that it happened I can’t just erase it! Importantly I will use this awful time, of more than a decade ( kept trying over & over to ‘make it work!) …to be pro active & use my voice to speak out, even on social media to raise awareness & let people know what red flags are what terms like hoovering love bombing gaslightIng actually mean! It’s my focus & it really helps me reject abuse & him. The more I do re getting involved in anti abuse campaigning and connecting…to empower others & myself the weaker his memory ‘control’ becomes! I also took a couple of courses & started volunteering…small steps lead to bigger ones…& life does gradually change. Of course I have bad days, like anyone, but I don’t let him define me or the experience. I’m working out n getting me back every day! Work in progress!

Women together are stronger! Focus on your healing your life what you want to achieve in freedom

Hugs & good healing vibes🌻

Nova

Ps …thanks Fizzylem for your response as this clearly maps out the abusive tactics & impacts on us.

[Nova]

FYI…#thecourtsaid Petition link http://chng.it/Dp7dZV2Ff9

& the FB page is called , Don’t look back with links to campaigning and information.

@ LouHaigh is the MP for Sheffield who is supporting survivors please have a look and re tweet, so we can all make a difference

Let’s rally together..get our voices heard for our children & our futures. 👏🏻

Together, we are stronger! Come on let’s do this!! 🙂

[Nova]

Morning..😊.lots of pro active campaigning happening.
There’s a petition on change.org #thecourtsaid. calling for …A public enquiry into the treatment of DV survivors in family court.

Also a list of MPs on Twitter who are backing a campaign to better protect victims of rape & DA being badly let down by the family courts.
via Louise Haig MP if you wanted to add to this now is the time to write to your MPs and share.

Also on FB lots of pro active activities…re a protest and writing your own messages to display in parliament square.

Looks like big steps are being made ladies!!! We can get involved & we will make a difference for us all 👏🏻👌🏽

[Nova]

Hi..sounds tough for you, be careful about discussing that you are leaving. Perps get..all , fake, emotional..the love bombing/hoovering starts..which no doubt you know all about, part of the abuse cycle, to drag you back in.

If you are making a decision to leave.. make it all safe and sorted for you with all the support and protection for you and your children in place first. 🙂

[Nova]

Thanks Kip I agree, toxic people are everywhere, the more we read and inform ourselves about these subjects the better. like most people I was so trusting & open and it got me into a abusive relationship. Now I have healthier boundaries, flying monkeys are difficult to deal with as they trigger constantly!
I’m pleased to hear it’s working for you! Awareness is empowering 👌🏽

[Nova]

Hi
I watched the film & big lies little lies. Both tough to watch though I think its a extremely important way of raising awareness! I’ve had conversations with other women about their relationship issues ( obviously abusive) by using these as a starting point.
In my experience I was searching for years for an ‘answer’ to the situation …never heard of coercive control, so for me..the more raising awareness the better as its so difficult to explain even for us survivors.

I’ve been told about a play called..Smack That has anyone seen it? I can’t find where it’s on at the moment, sounds very powerful. 🌼

[Nova]

Thanks Ayanna, I cant afford one either just loaned money for even an initial consultation. That will be all I can do I cant take it any further. Rang ROW literally over 30+ times and ALWAYS engaged.
I have left no stone un-turned before I have reached this point. the stress as we all know is crippling…Will keep battling.
Cuppa

[Nova]

Thanks Confused…had a horrendous day, just couldn’t stop crying…saw some wedding pictures cried heard a song cried looked at myself in the mirror cried again. I know it’s ‘good to let it all out’ but really to be on the road to recovery, then massive thud brought back…to this all again.

I just look at other people and think where the f did I go wrong? Why am I so trusting? How did I get here in this mess?…my life a mess and the anxiety is literally stopping me in my tracks, I can’t think of ideas anymore, ways forward. All my usual…’go to’ has gone!

I don’t seem to have anybody around me at all …I’m being honest to just talk to. The nice parts of my ..old life…has disappeared..I keep trying really hard to put new happy stuff in place…which works for a nano second…and life just keeps dishing our huge portions of cr*p
Literally falling apart. We survivors need a sanctuary a place to call home a drop in to drop into for a chat and a cuppa …honestly a place to go to where I can ask questions and get face to face support. Not counselling just a friendly face would do! I’m sick of…having to put a ‘ brave’ face on!
Gets too much doesn’t it!

What can we do to make this happen…WA? Anybody?! Wouldn’t it be amazing a light somewhere for us to network and not be isolated. Like a forum …in real life! ;))

Cx

[Nova]

Thanks…yes I’ve been doing great..and then because of. Legal happenings it has dragged me right back into anxiety mode.
What’s tough is still having to deal with him after all this time, although this fingers crossed will be closure…in practical terms…mentally it’s a different story. One step at a time, have to dig deep and not let the b grind me down, it is literally me against him again…that is what I wanted to avoid..he’s of course loving it…still trying to manipulate and control!
Though I exposed the reality of his wrath to family and the lawyer..and they now get it. He didn’t want that of course to be X posed still trying to play Mr Nice!

Getting there! Thanks for your kind words X

[Nova]

Thanks and likewise all the love and positivity back at you ladies.

I will be posting from my Summer job …..how could I not!
Keep strong
Big love
Cx

[Nova]

Thanks ladies as long as we stick together and support each other with peace and love…that women share on a daily basis…the world will be a better place.
Always remember You learn much more about a person…at the END of a relationship,..than at the beginning …so true and don’t we know it.

Lots of love Cx 🌼

[Nova]

Itmustbemeaurely…please know you are you a decent woman who is living with a ‘ thing’ that transfers ALL his negative crap onto you.
I like you & all the all ladies have experienced this explosive nightmare..and yes it does make us confused shaky shut down unable to think straight.
It’s not you at all. I feel so angry for you..that your even in the same space as that.
Sharing ..I was in your shoes …I ran to a train station in such a state ..one night and sat in the rain…no way out…had to go back or sleep there..when I got back he was just watching TV like nothing had happened!!…best bit ..now I am out for good ..it can happen.
I feel your pain IMBT…try to go out try to distance yourself physically give yourself time to think..some head space is what you need and support.
Ring WA chat it over.
Sending you hugs.
Cx

[Nova]

Btw I’ve just switched on The Jacksons @ Glastonbury…that’s a great way to feel a positive vibe! Upbeat & fun…
Happy smiling upbeat music with soul yay!
…dancing around the kitchen! Happy Sunday ladies x 🌼

[Nova]

Quite right KIP.. Money & their pocket, is what they care about the most! good move he will get the message loud and clear. Strong and brave and full of effective ideas! 👌🏽 Cx

[Nova]

Icandothis..I agree focus all your energy on yourself.
It can be a struggle not to try to want to work them out, why did they do this? How can they?
I ask ?’like we all do…Does he have a conscience? how can he sleep at night? & then I realise if I was with was him. It would still be the same he is the same he likes being the same, that’s who he is/they are.
Not all men are like that though however rwe know all about red flags of course we will be cautious, that’s fine to be cautious…be yourself keep strong and keep your distance…from anyone who wants to take & not give.

Hugs Cx

[Nova]

Great you did it PaLa! Luv this and your right …you are still you …lovely inside & out..!
Keep focussed on the positive atm go with this upbeat feeling to put something new & great into your life!
Plan a trip out…? Cinema, pamper…something you enjoy just for you! So deserve it!
Cx

[Nova]

I like good news…a lot! Good post to start the day!
karma is powerful
C

[Nova]

Hey Serenity I feel for you…it’s like a no win sometimes…I reckon it’s better to just stick to your parenting rules and be the consistent caring parent they so need. At the end of the day, their dad can say & do whatever…and yes it is difficult not to want to jump in. Though your boys see who is doing what saying what and your the foundation of their lives.

Sometime a few home truths have to be said…Pity it has to get to that stage but even so, they have to be told. Your the responsible adult.
The ‘ Buck’ stops with you …you are doing all the graft the day to day parenting & have every right to say your piece.
For sure better in the long run, your a person …a parent who really cares that is not easy and it’s by no means the same as just calling yourself one.

Your the real deal!

Cx

[Nova]

Hi LBP bruxism…I have it bad…actually have broke a dental bridge and suffering with that ++anxiety )now I’m told it will cost 2 k for implants ( can’t afford…What’s worse is all these symptoms, are constant reminders.

Terrible neck tension Headaches are scary topped off with insomnia..it’s a hang up from him, I used to sleep on the edge of the bed and had jaw tension &hip pain from being so tense..even breathing weird.
I got 2 frozen shoulders (1 after the other) unbelievable pain…and tinnitus…all from anxiety…sometimes I feel so weary…basically just worn out.

Physical + being emotionally fragile Goodness knows how we keep going hey!

C

[Nova]

BhB …good to hear you sound stronger and empowered. Its not easy at all, I keep saying to myself …this will make me stronger..though it doesn’t help when that knotted feeling comes up, day or night huh!

What bugs me is…all this distracts me from …just life…do you know what I mean?
We want to get on with it & I think that’s what your saying too…maybe wrong…the dragging us back into ‘it all’…
I reckon when our confidence gets stronger, that it seems to creates a emotional & psychological distance.
More able to focus keep calmer.
I’m finding atm if I do a bit of a sort out, anything, chucking stuff, clearing the decks..
Really get rid of the old..creating space for the new, on every level…it makes me feel boosted and distracts me into feeling more positive and together.

hope your having a better day
Cx

[Nova]

Confused123 I can understand what your feeling, the battle is so tough…and sometimes you need to pause..is there anyone who can help advocate with you over this situation?
I know that having another person by my side would help me…so I’m just putting it out there.

Having as has been mentioned a CAB appointment or a support worker, from one of the DA charities who can sit with you…I feel there’s got to be advocacy support. Solace & victim support uk also have IDVA’s

Take a deep breath hun, support is what you need. Just think you have come this far..you can decide with support what you think is the next best move, no point burning yourself out. ‘That lot’ and what they are are just not worth your head space…although your hurting…longer term they will be out of your life for good.
The main concern is you and keeping you together and not too over burdened.

big hugs

Cx

[Nova]

Ohhh I’m reading my/our journey. I don’t think I can say much more than has already been said. I can relay similar/same as to you, if you want to DM me please feel free.
What I would advise is read up from experts like The Dominator – Pat Craven..she describes the head worker.

That’s who we know…sadly.

Hugs Cx

[Nova]

Eve1.. Just sending you huge hugs to let you know I hear you…it’s just rubbish on those days …I do feel for you Hun. Tomorrow is a different day …hoping you feel a bit more loved. 🌸

Cx

[Nova]

🌈 KIP I’m SO happy for you..great to hear, your courage strength and integrity shines through!
.. Wish I lived round the corner I’d be there with a bottle of fizz to celelebrate! Good times!!

Hugs & a big cheers to you!
Cx

[Nova]

Beenherebefore…tough isn’t it?! & we get it …you know we have been to that place too…of total confusion and loving and manipulation love bombing trauma bonding…it’s SO difficult to explain unless you have been there…!

My ex used to take over the kitchen as I said I liked to cook, so he wanted me out of that space…to show he was boss…now he liked cooking more than me…I liked driving …he bust my car, accidentally/on purpose…now he took over the driving, driving fast to scare me on purpose tutting and glaring swearing at anyone…and hating me in the car…’I used to like driving before you got in the car’ ( apparently classic Dominator behaviour)…now he had the car. You know what I could be here all night writing a long long long list…we are all on the same page!
We know who they are…spiteful hateful self obsessed angry empty cowards!

He emailed me again today ( as he hasn’t got his own way!…only about finance nothing more no real love or care same old rubbish…nothingness)

Whingeing on totally pathetic gutless …on about himself (surprise surprise!) he thinks he’s got something new to say ( not) ..how there’s no point in us emailing as it’s futile ….err I didn’t …& let’s stick to the reason we are having to do this at all …money….as I said if I get a lawyer it’s being included in the settlement!

He wants it all…and he’s not going to get it all…when you don’t give in and don’t play their game by their rules they do the ignoring/silencing/victim act..because they can’t cope with it/us being different! I’m not playing anymore That is for certain. It actually gives me more courage to get the hell away from him even further in every way. It’s over and he will face the consequences basically himself.

C xx

[Nova]

Great idea KIP ..my ex is just the type to do that! So I can’t find him for what he owes! LOL x

[Nova]

Agreed Lilaclady! so transparent isnt it! they bleet on about oh poor me…and read in between the lines…as you say…its me myself & I…what have you got that I want. Even if you had a bag of nothing they’d still want that! …a long time ago my Mum once shared an expression about him…she said ‘that man could argue in a empty house’ …wise words indeed! They almost don’t need you there your not significant in the equation, they just love discord the fight, always their agenda!

Cx

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