Darknessallaround

[Darknessallaround]

I can also relate to what has been described here. Being talked at rather than to. Being verbally shut down when they decide the conversation is over. The silent treatment where the air is full of negative emotion, which in some ways is worse than full-on rant mode. The treading on eggshells as you try not to make things worse, but never knowing quite what will set them off again. Then the personality switch where they suddenly become Mr Reasonable again and it’s as though the previous exchange never happened.

[Darknessallaround]

Could you ask her if she does a sliding scale? Some counsellors offer a reduced rate but you normally have to ask. If she doesn’t, ask if she knows anyone who works at a lower rate that she could recommend.

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Yes, when you go against them there’s always a price to pay… It just depends on your particular partner what that price is likely to be, and whether you can cope with the fallout of going against him.

From personal experience, I can say that if you give in once, it will make it much harder not to cave in again. Before you know it, your world suddenly gets a lot smaller, months and years pass and you realise you don’t live anything approaching a normal life anymore.
You try to set boundaries and getting your partner to keep to them is seen by the abuser as a challenge to be taken on and won.

I hope you are able to see your family.

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For an abusive man to change, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a LOT of work, a lifetime, and it will always be a work in progress. They have to be able to acknowledge and honestly accept the harm they have caused and truly want to change. Most abusers are simply either not capable of this, or don’t really want to do it.

Any abuser who says after a few days / weeks, or months even, that they are okay now, everything will be different and you should just forgive and forget, is either lying, deluded, or both.

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Hi @Chocolatebunnie, I can relate to this.

Trauma bonded – yes
Regretted staying – yes
In therapy – yes

My therapist said they think it is possible to heal whilst still living in this situation, but it would take longer. It might also be harder to do, because of constantly walking on eggshells at home.

Breaking the trauma bond cycle is incredibly difficult especially when you are still living in it. Sorry I don’t have any advice for how to deal with this other than leave, which I know from experience can feel impossible. I’ve left more than once and gone back. So no judgement from me (but plenty on myself)…

Do I regret going back – yes. But the older I get with additional health problems, the harder it is to leave again. It’s partly why I don’t post here very often… I don’t feel I really have the right to support when I don’t feel able to do anything about my own situation.

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I just wanted to reach out to say that you are not alone. I get how difficult it is to trust anyone, when your trust in others has been shattered. There is absolutely nothing to be sorry for. When you live in an abusive situation it makes you retreat from the world. You doubt everything and everyone. Please do keep reaching out and sharing as much as you feel comfortable with. Everybody here will understand.

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For decades I’ve experienced him not respecting my boundaries, either sexually or generally. Vile words or thunderous moods or silent treatment on the rare occasions I dare to refuse or disagree with him.
In later years as his health has declined, the coercion is more mental than physical. In some ways that to me feels more difficult to deal with.

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I think I get this @Secret6.

I have 2 friends whom I never see or speak to. I don’t have any family. He’s here with me 24/7 I’m never alone long enough to be able to have a private phone call.

The only thing I can think of to suggest, is maybe trying the online chat here if you have access to a computer or mobile and can use it and keep it private.

I’m not sure it’s that we’re not believed, just that it’s difficult to imagine how a person can be so totally isolated. I would never have believed it myself if it hadn’t happened to me.

Please reach out if you want to talk here or pm.

[Darknessallaround]

I’m in a similar position. I have a couple of friends whom I never see, and no family at all. Just him.
I can definitely relate to all the comments here.
No longer know who I am or what I want. Feel like my opinions don’t matter because he’ll do whatever he wants anyway. Easier go along with it to keep the peace.
Dying inside…. Feel like I’m already dead, emotionally at least, just waiting for the body to catch up.

[Darknessallaround]

“Does anyone else feel overwelmed at the thought of whats next?”

Omg yes! I think ‘how am I going to cope with possibly another 20+ years of this….?’

Sorry I don’t have any answers @nbumblebee, I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but I wanted you to know you had been heard. I’ve been here on and off for years too.

Navigating an emotionally manipulative relationship (I don’t like the A word either) is a process, and it’s not linear. Some days we understand it a lot better and think we’ve got it straight in our head, but other days it’s all confusion, pain and overwhelm, and we’re back to square one.

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@thelastoftheswallows can so relate to this.
Walking on eggshells….The verbal rages…. Accusations of doing or saying things just to annoy him…. Making phone calls and appointments on his behalf. Running around doing errands (doing everything actually)…. The permission thing to be able to go anywhere… Nothing ever being good enough.
Sorry no advice, just wanted you to know you are heard and understood. Except that maybe next time you visit your family, just don’t go back.

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Yes, totally relate to everything you’ve said @Chocolatebunnie, especially the spells of everything being okay and then without warning, everything changes and suddenly you are in the middle of a whirlwind of abusive language and behaviour.
My experience is that he’s got worse since getting older. If he’d mellowed it would be easier to cope with. But that’s just my experience, hopefully yours will be different.

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Hi, it’s great that you’ve begun to understand how complex emotional abuse is. If you google ‘trauma bonding’, that will give you some insight into why you know this relationship is bad for you, yet you still feel pulled towards him.

In the cold light of day, you know that you don’t want to return, because his behaviour will not change, whatever promises he makes. Once you are back in the family home again he will revert to his old ways and it will be even more difficult to leave again (I speak from experience here). You know that you have been happier and more like your old self since leaving and reconnecting with your family. Now imagine losing that again…. what does it feel like (you don’t need to answer, just think about how it would make you feel).

There are many therapists who specialise in abuse/trauma counselling; the Counselling Directory is a good place to start, or get in touch with Women’s Aid helpline and get some support from them. They will never tell you what to do, but are experienced in being able to point you in the right direction.

I hope this is of some help.

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Hi @Toffeeapple, I’m sorry the first person you reached out to didn’t get back to you.
If you google Counselling Directory – you can filter by area, cost, type of therapy, concessions etc – you can make initial contact by an online form or phone the therapist direct (most give a contact number).
Hope that helps.

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You never could be a rotten person @nbumblebee, so please stop with the self flagellation. It’s only natural to feel sad that your friends attention is now focused on pressing issues in her own life. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. You find it hard to reach out to anyone and let them know the truth of how things really are, so it’s totally understandable that you are feeling let down. You have been and still are, there for your friend, and I’m sure in time, she will still be there for you. It’s just circumstances and bad timing.
Please give yourself a break.

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Silent treatment feels like one of the worst psychological punishments, because usually we have no idea what we ‘did wrong’, and have to guess / beg / plead in order to try and put things right again. Except there is no putting things right. The rules change and the goalposts move and we have no idea how, when or why. Usually it’s ‘just because’.

Although difficult to implement at first, one of the reasonably effective ways of dealing with it is not to engage with their mind games. Easier said than done I know. Try to think of the silent time as me-time. Do stuff just for you if you can. After all, if he isn’t speaking to you, he can hardly object to whatever it is you are focusing your attention on.

[Darknessallaround]

@nbumblebee – just because you haven’t left, it doesn’t mean you aren’t a survivor. It takes strength and courage and resilience to stay in and put up with, an unhealthy relationship. From that perspective, we are all survivors.

[Darknessallaround]

@Galabeee, Counselling can work, but not couples counselling… They are trained to see a situation from both sides and you will always end up feeling invalidated and second guessing yourself. Please see an individual therapist, preferably one who is experienced in abuse / trauma work.

[Darknessallaround]

@nbumblebee, as others here have said, if you give in to him on this, things may be ok for a while, but then he will find something else to berate you for. Little by little you will give up all the things you love until your life is solely focused around him…. and you know what, it still won’t be enough.

I can relate to being in freeze mode. Sometimes it’s easier to just give in rather than have yet another row, but you will end up hating yourself for it. No matter how much we give, they will always take more and more. Even when there’s nothing left.

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@nbumblebee You are not annoying, this is just the place to post when you are feeling overwhelmed and so unhappy. You are living in a constant hyper-vigilant state. That’s why you can’t think clearly and why his words have such a power to hurt you.

He is contradicting himself by calling you a scrounger (you’re not) but then saying he wants you to give up work and be at home. He can’t have it both ways.

He is messing with your head. Making you doubt yourself. Causing maximum misery to break you down so he gets his own way.

I know only too well the feeling of not being able to cope with forever if it’s going to be like this. Trying to picture what’s going to happen in the future can feel too much. Break it down and take things one day at a time. You don’t have to make decisions now. Everything at your pace. Does your Counsellor do grounding and relaxation exercises with you? If you’ve tried EMDR I’m guessing she will have done. It is very hard to imagine a safe place when you feel under constant attack, it’s impossible to ever totally relax. Even if you don’t feel like you are moving forward, just the counselling relationship itself can sometimes be enough to help you cope.

You are stronger than you know, you just need a little help to realise it.

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@roadtohealing, another eloquently written post I can really relate to. You have summed it up perfectly. There is so much I could list it would run to several pages. But I don’t have the energy to talk about it anymore.

“I now live in my own lonely world.”
“Things were never better in the past, I just dealt better with it.”

Yes, this.

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@Galabeee, reading your post resonated with me so much. It’s the little drip-feed of ‘ok’ times which keeps us hooked and makes us doubt that things really are that bad.

I’ve left more than once and have gone back more than once. Apparently it’s an average of 7 times before a woman leaves an abusive relationship for good.

I read other women’s stories on here and think how resilient they are and how brave to leave and stay away. I can’t imagine going through it all again and don’t believe I will have the strength and courage to do so.

There’s a lot of cognitive dissonance in existing between two realities and the longer it goes on, the harder it gets.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to leave as soon as is practical, and have some support around you when doing so, if at all possible.

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Hi Twisted Sister
The best thing you can do is to find a good trauma therapist who can help you with grounding techniques and then work through the trauma with you. Someone who specialises in EMDR or Brainspotting would be a good place to start.

There are therapists in the NHS who are trained in these techniques, but the waiting list is normally extremely long. If you can afford to see someone privately, that might be a quicker option. Some do sliding scale if cost is a barrier.

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I’m so sorry about your Mum HFH. Losing anyone close is hard, but especially when they have been such a source of strength and support to you.

You haven’t f****d up, you are grieving. The loss of your Mum will be compounding all the other feelings you’ve got going on at the moment.

Take some time to care for yourself, to grieve, to honour your Mum’s memory.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

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I’m glad your friend noticed that something is not right about the way your H behaves towards you, because that will help to validate what you have been struggling to acknowledge for a long time.

We all have different tolerance levels and what is abusive behaviour to one person might not be regarded as such by another. So it’s how his behaviour makes you feel that’s important here.

Listen to that inner voice, because you will know deep down what is right and wrong for you.

You are doing ok @nbumblebee, you will get there.

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I get this @Better-days. I feel much the same. Been married a long time, decades in fact. Have left a few times, always gone back. Always ended up regretting it.

If I had my time over, knowing what I know now, I’d never have got married.

It feels too late now. I don’t have it in me to try and leave again. I admire those on here who do manage to leave and stay away.

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Hi @nbumblebee, not been on here for a while, so only just seen this. I am so sorry about your job. I know how much it means to you. Please don’t give up fighting for something else. It’s bad luck, but it’s not a punishment.

As others here have said, you have this experience and a reference on your side now which will be helpful when applying for other roles.

I really hope you will find something else soon. You can do this. We all believe in you.

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Mine also gives the response at least I don’t hit you… As if that makes it ok then.

They do make the verbal and emotional abuse seem like it’s nothing, and get us second guessing ourselves. We then minimise their behaviour and convince ourselves that it isn’t really that bad.

You’d think being wise to it would make a difference. It doesn’t. At least not with me. Some sort of cognitive dissonance going on. Can’t accept or believe what I know to be true.

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I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband @Wildstar.

Yes, bipolar can cause a person to behave unpredictably, but it is never an excuse for any kind of abuse. It seems that he may be using it to justify being able to say and do exactly what he likes without any comebacks.

A lot of people have awful childhoods, a lot of people have mental health issues they don’t all abuse their partners.

It sounds as though you have really tried your best to be a support and to help your husband, and all he has done is thrown it back in your face. You are correct in that he should not have to ‘try’ to be kind to you. When we love someone it comes naturally and without conditions.

Please do try and reach out to the helpline or your local women’s aid branch for support. You don’t have to deal with this alone.

[Darknessallaround]

So sorry you have had this shock on top of everything else @Hazydayz. I hope it will be ok to post this information here, I’m sure the Moderator will say if not, but please check out this site, it might be of some help.

https://uksobs.org/
Email – write to email.support@uksobs.org
Support Line – 0300 111 5065 Monday & Tuesday 9am – 5pm

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