GoldenFish

[GoldenFish]

Dear whiteroses,
Welcome here and hopefully the forum can provide you with some emotional support.
My thoughts reading your post is that you are ‘on a leash’. If you stray away, he threatens to leave. In my view, is playing on your insecurities and is unlikely will leave. It is a hard situation to be in because you may be constrained financially or for any other reasons to stay. You don’t want to separate the child from the daddy she loves. It doesn’t even sound like you want to separate but rather understand your feelings. What I’d like for you to take away from my response is not to blame yourself, whatever the outcome will be in the years to come. You have tried and can go as far as you can without a reasonable response. We can loose ourselves in our minds with all the possible interpretations so ground yourself to the facts and don’t ignore your owm meeds. Keep safe and takr care.

[GoldenFish]

Tough questions from Camel. It is toigh as it is vut add to that a lack of support fron other trusted famiky members. It bribgs more doubts about ykurself. The abusive behaviour only escalates as rhey tru to stay in cobtrol if you put up any resistance. (detail removed by Moderator)

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[GoldenFish]

Please know:the sooner you can leave, the better for your kids. It will feel very hard and tormenting for you, but you will see your children flourish and you can gain strength in that. Ask your family for the help you need. Think beyond your fear, trust you’ll find a way forward. The alternative to stay is abominable and you have already given it enough chances and years of your life. Run out!

[GoldenFish]

If of any help, you are not alone. I wosh I could tell you what works or when woll it end but I am not therw myself. We have to keep gping. It is terribly sad. It doesn’t fwel like it will ever ebd. But there are those who managed not only to escape but to overcome the trauma. We are alive and out and can be greatfull for life. I wish you well. Just keep gping.

[GoldenFish]

Hi getting tired,

I believe for a healthy relationship one needs to enter it with self-respect and self-esteem. It is the lack of self-esteem that sits at the foundation of abusive relationships and afterwards it takes a long time to re-build yourself. Are you ready? (detailed removed by Moderator) and cannot comment on whether your partner is supportive either. Myself would be suspicious of too much reassurance in the early days. Give yourself the space you need which will also test the strengh of your relationship. Be open to the possibility of not working out and that would be for the better. You don’t have to be alone forever but know that not any relationship is better than no relationship.

[GoldenFish]

To see it, is the hardest part, I believe. You see it. You know you don’t want to repeat the story of your mother. You need to work on a plan to separate, maybe could even agree on it, that it is not working. This is how it makes you feel. Not ‘arguing’ is just a cover up for not changing anything and you clearly need to change something. Sorry for the bad time at Xmas. It brings out the worst in some.

[GoldenFish]

Hi,

Unless there is documented abuse that poses a risk to the child, the father as the other parent has exactly the same rights as you do. If you do not agree on child contact, then you need to apply to the court for child arrangments order. This would be part of the divorce proceedings. Did you apply for divorce already? If there is domestic abuse it may not be safe to share same living space whilst there are ongoing divorce proceedings. It sounds as if you are still working out in which terms will you be separating and he is asking to see the child in the future. You probably need to show to the court that you made reasonable efforts to allow for it and that it is not in the best interest of the child. The court will also take into account the views of a child aged above 10 or 11.

[GoldenFish]

Unfortunately, it is you and only you who has to work through those emotions to heal. It is hard work. The most important bit that I can share is that you and your life cannot be the same as it was before him. You are going to have to find your new self, make new friends and find new things to bring you joy. Good luck! We can all get there or we can get stuck so do one thing to move fwd every day!

[GoldenFish]

Stay away. You cannot change anyone, you cannot save anyone. Let it go, please and take your time before entering into another relationship seeking external validation from another partern that it was not your fault. Only when you believe this from your core will be ready to move on. Look at it as an opportunity to find a better partner in life. It will save you a decade even and much more painful outcomes. You are enough. Make this your mantra. Sending lots of love.

[GoldenFish]

Contact RCJ for legal advice. They are really good and can advice on the merits of your applicaiton. I found solicitors overall may take your case but won’t necessarily explain you what is most likely to happen upfront.

[GoldenFish]

You are not responsible to make him feel good. You need to protect yourself and your child. First and foremost. Full stop.

[GoldenFish]

Hi darknessallaround,
I hope you’re feeling better. Messages on the forum can provide some relief in a time of need and outmost isolation but you said you want out by any possible means. If you do not have home rights or can leave your home behind, identify a local refuge you could go to. National Domestic Violece and Womens Aid can help. What happens if you are leaving the house? If there is any physical violence or threat of it, report it to the Police. You can do it the next day online if you cannot call at the time of the incident. Report report report. It is the quickest and safest way to remove de abuser from your home. If the risk of violence is not high and it is mostly coercive control you do not have to live like that either. In that case, you can apply for a non-molestation order with notice. It is scary whichever path one takes but getting out nrequires taking action. Most women will find it hard to do that for themselves when they are at their lowest having tolerated already so much abuse but once you know it within yourself that it is the right thing to do you will succeed because we all here are survivors!

[GoldenFish]

Goodness gracious! You are a human bring. Your life has value. I am so sorry for the horrible experience marriage has been to you and the abuse that made you describe yourself as a product on a shelf. Let it go and let yourself heal from this trauma. It takes time but there is a long life ahead of you. There are non-Asian men in the world. Not that they are any better but they do not grow up with the mentality of damaged goods. I would suggest to find a charity where you can get emotional support from your own community and speak in your own language. You will get through this!

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