GoldenFish

[GoldenFish]

Dear whiteroses,
Welcome here and hopefully the forum can provide you with some emotional support.
My thoughts reading your post is that you are ‘on a leash’. If you stray away, he threatens to leave. In my view, is playing on your insecurities and is unlikely will leave. It is a hard situation to be in because you may be constrained financially or for any other reasons to stay. You don’t want to separate the child from the daddy she loves. It doesn’t even sound like you want to separate but rather understand your feelings. What I’d like for you to take away from my response is not to blame yourself, whatever the outcome will be in the years to come. You have tried and can go as far as you can without a reasonable response. We can loose ourselves in our minds with all the possible interpretations so ground yourself to the facts and don’t ignore your owm meeds. Keep safe and takr care.

[GoldenFish]

Tough questions from Camel. It is toigh as it is vut add to that a lack of support fron other trusted famiky members. It bribgs more doubts about ykurself. The abusive behaviour only escalates as rhey tru to stay in cobtrol if you put up any resistance. (detail removed by Moderator)

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[GoldenFish]

What happens if you ask him to separate? It is good you can go to your mums and you have family to help. Seems the way fwd for you. Do that if you’re ok with the family house being sold. Othereise, stay and call police in an emergency.

[GoldenFish]

Please know:the sooner you can leave, the better for your kids. It will feel very hard and tormenting for you, but you will see your children flourish and you can gain strength in that. Ask your family for the help you need. Think beyond your fear, trust you’ll find a way forward. The alternative to stay is abominable and you have already given it enough chances and years of your life. Run out!

[GoldenFish]

If of any help, you are not alone. I wosh I could tell you what works or when woll it end but I am not therw myself. We have to keep gping. It is terribly sad. It doesn’t fwel like it will ever ebd. But there are those who managed not only to escape but to overcome the trauma. We are alive and out and can be greatfull for life. I wish you well. Just keep gping.

[GoldenFish]

Hi getting tired,

I believe for a healthy relationship one needs to enter it with self-respect and self-esteem. It is the lack of self-esteem that sits at the foundation of abusive relationships and afterwards it takes a long time to re-build yourself. Are you ready? (detailed removed by Moderator) and cannot comment on whether your partner is supportive either. Myself would be suspicious of too much reassurance in the early days. Give yourself the space you need which will also test the strengh of your relationship. Be open to the possibility of not working out and that would be for the better. You don’t have to be alone forever but know that not any relationship is better than no relationship.

[GoldenFish]

To see it, is the hardest part, I believe. You see it. You know you don’t want to repeat the story of your mother. You need to work on a plan to separate, maybe could even agree on it, that it is not working. This is how it makes you feel. Not ‘arguing’ is just a cover up for not changing anything and you clearly need to change something. Sorry for the bad time at Xmas. It brings out the worst in some.

[GoldenFish]

Hi,

Unless there is documented abuse that poses a risk to the child, the father as the other parent has exactly the same rights as you do. If you do not agree on child contact, then you need to apply to the court for child arrangments order. This would be part of the divorce proceedings. Did you apply for divorce already? If there is domestic abuse it may not be safe to share same living space whilst there are ongoing divorce proceedings. It sounds as if you are still working out in which terms will you be separating and he is asking to see the child in the future. You probably need to show to the court that you made reasonable efforts to allow for it and that it is not in the best interest of the child. The court will also take into account the views of a child aged above 10 or 11.

[GoldenFish]

Unfortunately, it is you and only you who has to work through those emotions to heal. It is hard work. The most important bit that I can share is that you and your life cannot be the same as it was before him. You are going to have to find your new self, make new friends and find new things to bring you joy. Good luck! We can all get there or we can get stuck so do one thing to move fwd every day!

[GoldenFish]

Stay away. You cannot change anyone, you cannot save anyone. Let it go, please and take your time before entering into another relationship seeking external validation from another partern that it was not your fault. Only when you believe this from your core will be ready to move on. Look at it as an opportunity to find a better partner in life. It will save you a decade even and much more painful outcomes. You are enough. Make this your mantra. Sending lots of love.

[GoldenFish]

Contact RCJ for legal advice. They are really good and can advice on the merits of your applicaiton. I found solicitors overall may take your case but won’t necessarily explain you what is most likely to happen upfront.

[GoldenFish]

You are not responsible to make him feel good. You need to protect yourself and your child. First and foremost. Full stop.

[GoldenFish]

Hi darknessallaround,
I hope you’re feeling better. Messages on the forum can provide some relief in a time of need and outmost isolation but you said you want out by any possible means. If you do not have home rights or can leave your home behind, identify a local refuge you could go to. National Domestic Violece and Womens Aid can help. What happens if you are leaving the house? If there is any physical violence or threat of it, report it to the Police. You can do it the next day online if you cannot call at the time of the incident. Report report report. It is the quickest and safest way to remove de abuser from your home. If the risk of violence is not high and it is mostly coercive control you do not have to live like that either. In that case, you can apply for a non-molestation order with notice. It is scary whichever path one takes but getting out nrequires taking action. Most women will find it hard to do that for themselves when they are at their lowest having tolerated already so much abuse but once you know it within yourself that it is the right thing to do you will succeed because we all here are survivors!

[GoldenFish]

Goodness gracious! You are a human bring. Your life has value. I am so sorry for the horrible experience marriage has been to you and the abuse that made you describe yourself as a product on a shelf. Let it go and let yourself heal from this trauma. It takes time but there is a long life ahead of you. There are non-Asian men in the world. Not that they are any better but they do not grow up with the mentality of damaged goods. I would suggest to find a charity where you can get emotional support from your own community and speak in your own language. You will get through this!

[GoldenFish]

Hi Songbird1,

I hope you’re well. If you come back here again and read this message, don’t bury your head in the sand, please. What feels to you as abuse cannot be justified by any rules and regulations of any religion or make it right to be inflicted on you. Abuse is abuse and it will catch-up with you when you have nearly lost your soul. You may seek validation from Muslim scholars but at the end of the day, this is your life and if you feel the way you do you may just try to justify his behaviour of the name of religion or culture. You need a partner in a relationship, not a religious debate. Don’t get hung up on the religious idea. Don’t allow yourslef to be more and more restricted, isolated or co-dependent. Best of luck

[GoldenFish]

Hi @wheelgoround

I believe you are asking that question because you know that you need to take action to protect yourself and your baby’s future. What will you do if you would know in advance he will become more abusive? Will that make you more likely to protect yourself? Probably not, it will make you more afraid and trying even harder to make things right. Wjat would you do if he is not becoming more abusive? Tolerate this and try to manage for how long? If you have a place to stay at your mother’s and she supports you, that will allow you the space and safety you need to take action. I know how it feels, how we do not want to believe it, how we blame ourselves but his behaviour will never change behind closed doors. We all hope for the better, hanging on the ‘normalality’ and discarding the abuse. Free yourself of thos emotional burden and live the life the way you want it. If any man like this would ever want to change, I wouldn’t belive anytbing he says to me or rely on any stretch of time without abusive behaviour because it will happen again. If any woman manage ro have her partner turn around I can imagine it would only be tthrough him becoming mature and taking responsibility. This is a long process that requires a lot of hard work, self awarness and most of the tkme professional support. Apply for a non-molestation order. You can apply yourself. In doing so, you have tale and step forward towards stopping the abusive behaviour. Good luck!

[GoldenFish]

Hi Searchingforhope,

From what I can understand you want your husband to leave, practically soeaking this is also possible as he has another house but you are unable to talk to him about it. I feel quite the same way. If you can identify your fears, then is more likely to find ways to overcome it. It’s great you have support but if thi has been going over a period of (detail removed by moderator) months it could as well continue for years. My children also asked me when am I going to tell someone about the situation at home. We’re at the end of January and I am still deliberating in anonimity. Do one thing every day to make it happen. Mak. Make it very clear that this doe not work and he needs to leave. As long as you can do this safely it is only a matter of time and emotional strength. You can tell the kids once he has accepted it. You might be afraid of hurting the kids’ feelings. I’ve been there and have been sticking around. The time to end the abuse comes and you will know when the time is right, even if it takes years. It is not easier but it shofts from the resigned acceptance of your fate to a little ray of hope. May that ray shine on you.

[GoldenFish]

Hello Littlevoice,

After your hearbreak will heal you will celebrate your freedom. What you feel right now is not permanent. You will be happy and laugh again. I am happy for you have got out and have family around you. They may not be able to understand your emotions but certaibly do not want the abuse for you. Neither do you. Try a little trick. When you tell yourself “I miss him” or anything else replace the I with your real name. It will help you to psychologically distance and gain a slightly different perspective that is less emotionally involved. Focus on your healing and let go of the pain. It is over now.

[GoldenFish]

Hi Rafaello15,

I forgot to ask earlier if you might have spoken to the social services from your local council and if that was of any help. From what I read online they can help with family counselling to try and change tdifficult behaviours. That doesn’t usually work in cases of domestic violence. They would assist in case of homelessness, if leaving home. None if these options seems suitable for my situation so I was wondering if anybody in a similar situation found services from the local council helpful. Thanks.

[GoldenFish]

Hi Rafaello15

You are at least a tiny step agead and reached out to Police and for Legal advice. I have to say that, despite multiple charities and adds that there is help for domestic violence, I do not know how easy orbdifficult is to actually get the help we need. It is so hard to reach out so the slightest push back is likely to send us back to silence and self-blame. It is also the issue of finding that safe time to reach out.

If you are ready to do this I would say to try every possible way to get into the court for an occupation order. It is in fact free to apply even if you do not get Legal Aid. One would hope the Court would take every application seriously even if not preprepared by solicitors.

Go at the link below, register for an account and complete the form. It says you will receive advice from solicitors to apply to Court even if not eligible

https://www.courtnav.org.uk/apply-for-an-injunction

Something has to work out.

[GoldenFish]

Rafaello 15,

Please call the number bellow for legal advice on occupation orders. I am planning to but did not get myself to do it. Even to register for an account on this forum took me weeks. Very hard to accept it to myself to start with.

http://www.dvassist.org.uk
Direct Line : 03000 040375

Direct Mobile: 07561 422510

[GoldenFish]

Hello Rafaello 15,

I know you can get help aplying for an occupation order or divorce. Depending on your situation, you may be eligible to get Legal Aid. The forms and the court can be intimidating but I think the real challenge is to feel ready to let go and kknow which way to proceed. In my case, I belived the threats to kill and there is nowhere I could go to overnight if things escalate. I never called police. Did they come at the time of an incident or you reported it afterwards? In the later case, I don’t know there is much they can do if you safey is not immediately
jeopardized. (detail removed by Moderator) If I were to tell my friends, they would only believe me because they know me better than they know my husband. But otherwise it would be hard to believe because of the sustained appearance of a normal family over the years. I talked to a support worker at school for one of the children to get emotional support. The question asked was if any involvment of agencies dealing with domestic violence. I said no. There is no involvment. Nobody asked if there is violence, agression, coercive control at home. I also had several family councelling sessions with another worker. I want to tell but the words are not coming out of my mouth. It’s like someone needs to ask me directly so I can just give a yes for the answer.

I am sorry police didn’t believe you. I do not know the circumstances but that would feel so hurtful. In case of domestic violence, a divorce does not equate with safety. Do call police if in danger. Stay safe and post back when you can.

[GoldenFish]

Hello Twisted Sister,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply my post. I know there are many charities and other services to help. I know how to reach them. I am rerified of what will happen if I do. It makes no sense to fear doing something meant to help but that part in between when whatever I do I have to live with him knowing in the same house feels very risky. The other fear is that it is difficult to prove and/or to prosecute. Divorce cannot be as difficult to get but will that be possible, is it safe or at least safer? Once I manage to talk about it using my real identity and seek legal advice maybe it will be clearer what’s the best course of action.

My husband said he wants a divorce and he wants to leave. That should make things much easier but I don’t think he means it. And the fact that he stopped paying for living expenses is only proof he is only proof he believes he’s right to punish us. He’s buying the food that I won’t buy for the children but has no hesitation to finish up those that he knows I will replenish.

Will and abusive man be so with every other woman? I always felt guilty for who I am, for how our differences may account for the abusive behavious. Thinking what a good man and life he would have had with a different woman. This is the storyline he planted in my head.

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