Hazlenut

[Hazlenut]

Please consider going ‘no contact’
It’s the only way to truly start to rebuild and heal

[Hazlenut]

Please be careful, exiting an abusive relationship really is the most dangerous time. I didn’t realise this fully until it was too late. You need a safety plan. Once they start to lose control, literally anything can kick off.

[Hazlenut]

I wasn’t successful in getting an occupation order so had to leave the family home with kids, that means he doesn’t know where we are which is the right thing for our circumstances. If you can’t stay in your current home, do you have a friend or relative that would take you in? There are some charities that are really helpful , I managed to get grants for a fridge, washing machine and some carpets after we got social housing. You will be surprised at the help out there, but those doors don’t open until you’re ready. Best wishes

[Hazlenut]

Hey, I stopped trying to discuss finances with my ex as there was absolutely no point, he was so defensive about everything and would attack as a result. As he was an alcoholic, he didn’t really have a handle on finances ever, so I did manage to start saving some without him realising, which I really needed after getting out. I know how hard it is when you are shot down all the time, hope you’re ok

[Hazlenut]

I totally agree that you should not have to face mediation. I absolutely could not face mediation with my ex.

[Hazlenut]

Hey Trappedbutterfly, Hereforhelp is right. You are not stupid. I left three times and tried to leave many more times over a number of years and each time I got drawn back in with his words.
Think of the momentum starting to build again, as it will, and you will be free exactly when the time is right. In the meantime, write things down. Keep.a log of facts. I wish I had.
Keep going x

[Hazlenut]

In my opinion, friendships form for a reason, regardless of gender or serial preference & how does limiting contact with a friend even work, are you only allowed a certain number of text messages or minutes on the phone, or allowed only to meet up once a week in a public place?!

[Hazlenut]

Hey, if you re read your posts, you can see how you are making excuses fortis behaviour. I used to do this all the time with my ex, a police officer pointed this out to me.
Listen to your instincts and please get out of this relationship. Consider this: if your son / daughter were describing this behaviour about their new partner, what would you want them to do?

[Hazlenut]

What I found helped me when I was totally exhausted was to not make any decisions, but to focus on wellness first, really simple & back to basics, detach, eat well, exercise, get some rest. You will take the next step forward when the tike is right.

[Hazlenut]

Hey

My ex partner kept avoiding and arguing with the child maintenance service, he didn’t pay anything and built up arrears. I decided to close the case rather than allow the arguing to continue via the child maintenance service. I opened the case to avoid conflict, but they always find a way.
Things are tight, but the kids have what they need. Plus, it’s another tie that has been cut, which is important for my mental health.

[Hazlenut]

Try to focus on what you are thinking, what you need to heal, take each day at a time

[Hazlenut]

When we’re desperate and in our darkest times we may cling to light at the end of the tunnel that may not deliver what we need. The best help I received & still have, is police support. I would engage with professionals who are trained, rather than someone who may lead to more conflict

[Hazlenut]

Is his drinking documented any where? GP aware he has a problem? Any incidents reported to the police?
Safeguarding checks are carried out by the courts before he would get contact arrangements.

[Hazlenut]

Hey, hang in there with the new house,I had so much go wrong with the house I moved to, part of the living room ceiling collapsed due to a leak, there was the smell of cat wee everywhere and loads of stuff had to be ripped out of the house to get rid of the smell, it needed totally redecorating, I had to get a grant for a cooker and fridge freezer. Windows needed replacing. There are still many things to do and I have cried a lot, but, things come together when you least expect it & remember, you & your children are FREE and SAFE!!! That is such an amazing feeling, hold on to it ! Sending positive vibes and best wishes x

[Hazlenut]

Hey, doing what is right for your child is always the right thing. All my children are thriving now they are in a peaceful, loving, calm, stress free home. That was never possible for them until I fled and got them to safety. Stop worrying about him and save yourself and your child.
Focus on your new beginning!

[Hazlenut]

Hey, the police wrote a letter for me to support my housing applications & that meant I was Band A. Sounds like things are really tough, hang in there, it will get better.

[Hazlenut]

You will cope without his contribution. Leaving made me and my children homeless. (detail removed by moderator) on and the children have not had a penny from him. They have not gone without and we now have a new home and basic necessities. Still rebuilding. There are amazing support networks out there that will help.

[Hazlenut]

Don’t tell him anything, get the protection you need. He will keep the house for himself if he can (I ended up homeless with our children, after he was arrested, then let back in the property, he contested everything, it can happen to you) They only see themselves. He then tried to get the family car back by telling the police I had stolen the vehicle. They have to ‘win’. Good luck

[Hazlenut]

As someone else mentioned, once you get out, you find you build a reliable support network that are there in times of need. I remember being very ill when still exclusively breast feeding my second son, he was getting drunk downstairs in the living room, my teenager at least bought some food upstairs for me. Living with a person who only sees themselves is very very hard.

[Hazlenut]

Hey, I would 100% say use CMS, they waive the £20 fee when there is a history of domestic abuse. They take awhile to actually get a payment but you’ll feel better once you see the arrears start to mount up and then they start collection action. As for seeing the kids, it’s no contact here and the kids are settled after relocating so I see no reason to disrupt them, although he has applied for contact so cafcass now involved. Non molestation order still in place though so I’m not panicking. Best wishes

[Hazlenut]

This is a very tricky one, I think you need professional advice, would they be safe I guess you’re wondering. Maybe once they saw it works out after leaving they would follow.

[Hazlenut]

It’s the thousands of little things that paint the picture, just ask yourself if you would ever treat someone the way you’re being treated. If the answer is no, then, it’s wrong, listen to your instincts they are always right

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