Living Warrior

[Living Warrior]

My ex did this, it was a way to make me feel bad….
But my partner who is not abusive does this too… Mainly songs that have a meaning to him or emphasize his feelings and love for me..and I do the same for him. So normal people do it too..
It’s just abusers tend to use anything to get you to respond. Any acknowledgement from you is a gain to abusers. Keep logs and report harassment…

[Living Warrior]

No I don’t mind sharing,
I was honest in saying I was new to dating and was working through some personal stuff.. Yeh some asked for details but most did not..I would say i wasn’t comfortable sharing that information at this point in the relationship but of things were to progress and I changed my mind I would let him know. I laid that out with truthfully… All intentions of making men run for the hills lol
Some did… And that was ok… Some didn’t and those that wud push, I would state it’s private and I’m not comfortable talking about it..
You must remember it’s upto you what you share and don’t share and when you do it.. you will know if it’s right of now just always trust your gut.
My safety advice is things like don’t give personal information.. apps are fine I didn’t give my number out until many months into talking, dates I went on were in public places, if I used taxis I’d take photos of licence plate with name of firm. Or photo of the license card in cab n text it to friend or relative with a date and time of when the date was and I’d always msg to say I was home safe afterwards.

Just be yourself, and remember that things move at your pace. I have even said this to guys I have dated, some don’t like it n I stopped talking to them explaining that we wanted different things, others were very understanding.
I hope this helps
Good luck for the future
xxx

[Living Warrior]

I agree, I don’t think you are over reacting. I wrote a post about pat Craven’s living with the dominator.. if you click on my profile you can view my posts … Or Google pat Craven’s living with the dominator … It gives you the run down of different masks abusers use… Some use one or two… Some use all of them. But that will help you to understand it’s not you that’s wrong!
I would get in touch with women’s aid in your area and ask for help to get out safely if you cannot do it alone.. good luck xx

[Living Warrior]

That is horrendous!
But this is what they do…normal people have guilt about making others feel bad.. these people don’t have that. They get off on making us feel guilty and use it to get what they want. Don’t fall for it.
If he continues report him to the police make a log of his harrasment this will help with police… Keep all messages and diary everything. Hope he takes the hint and leave you alone.

[Living Warrior]

I would go back to them, if you keep the messages it can be classed as harrassment and stalking your children is an offence in itself.
what helped me was i kept EVERYTHING, logs of incidents, texts/msgs.. i went to womens aid for support and they put me intouch with stalking and harrassment team, i got a court order to keep him away from home and away from the kids.
so its always best to go back, these incidents escalate and the more evidence you can provide the better help you will recieve. if you havnt kept anything start now… its never too late…
dates and times of incidents , what happened, witnesses, the more information that you write down the less you have to remember. and if anything goes to court through breaches of orders, its evidence and it also helps you.

i didnt think things would ever proceed to court orders and court appearences, but it did and i was so glad i had listened and kept evidence.
i hope that helps.

[Living Warrior]

** NEWCOMERS**
Im in a totally different place than when i wrote this poem, but blimey! it still hits home!
we can do anything! never forget how amazing you all are!!

[Living Warrior]

Hi, I am longer along in my process, i am now in a very healthy and stable relationship after my abuse. so it can be done, i still have court dealings with me ex over contact. so im living proof men do take on other peoples children, and the chaos these men leave behind. People do heal differently, and work through things differently too..i got to the point in my head where i thought i was avoiding dating, so i forced myself to go on dates… i signed up to a dating site and went on a couple, i didnt tell people bout the abuse, but gave just enough info so they knew the dates where just to broaden my social pool. you can instantly get rid of men who arnt into that…. those that are after s*x for example, dont tell people about the abuse too early on as you can weed out that type of men..
i was open and honest without stating everything, and yes the dates werent always good lol i had some terrible ones lol where we didnt click or whatever. just rememeber to put your safety rules in place.
i found my partner on a dating site lol and we been together a few years now. you just have to do whats best for you, and keep yourself safe there are no rules.

[Living Warrior]

Hi ladies,
i saw your post and thought i would comment, i hope that is ok.
You are all doing amazing!!
even the fact u are sharing here is something to be so so proud of!
it gets it off your chest and out of your head.

I am out of my DV relationship now i have been for few years, but still have court dates etc and i still suffer extrememly bad with anxiety, so i can understand where you are coming from.

Some days you feel as if you cannot go on anymore and the anxiety of these people being around us breaks us down and makes us feel useless. we question our every move and thought and this causes the depression.

my depression got better when i left- although as you are probably aware leaving needs time- plans and safeguarding to do safely- my anxiety worsened at certain points- around kids birthdays- court dates and such.
i found day to day though after the first 6-8 months of being in my own home with kids, that i felt safer, yeh he still had his ways to try and break me down- but the space i had (my own home) gave me that time to recouperate.

i just wanted to tell you all it can get better- it takes time, planning and help from womens aid or such charities.
please dont give up, stay safe and keep posting!

[Living Warrior]

these types of people i find dont like seeing us as “people” or “human beings” just as things they can control… im not sure what he called you or his ex, as it has been removed for your own protection- but im guessing it be some derogative term, which basically means you mean nothing to him, if he was to call u by your name you would have value- this is why we have names so that others can call us, be it emma, stacey, nina etc etc… by removing your name these people take away your identity in their own eyes.
it is very odd, but i have heard this from people in support groups before and my ex did it, its another way they dehumanise us.

[Living Warrior]

this sounds like my old relationship (may it burn in the firery coals of hell)
My ex used his depression to depend on me further- expecting me to do everything in the family home, and with kids and his family too. I was so isolated i felt low and helpless so i too found comfort talking to someone- who he then accused me of cheating with which i did not and would not- i let my helpful nature (i wanted to fix my ex) get the better of my level head- he never wanted to get better- no matter the level of help i gave or got him he relied upon his illness to keep me there. He knew i wouldnt leave when he was so fragile- so he made steps to worsen himself- threatened suicide and made steps for me to think he was serious- he knew my kind heart would never leave someone who was in so much “pain”.
i realised with help, thats what he was doing, and after sorting out the steps etc i left with kids.
after that things got worse for a long time including stalking and harrassment and court dates.
I still think though that it was the best thing i ever did!

every relationship is different- and im not saying leave, but i am saying be wary of what he does/how he acts- in my case it was all a ploy to keep me there. these people know us, they know our every weakness, and what makes us tick. be careful. seek help and stay strong.

[Living Warrior]

I had to get court orders arring contact.. tbh its best thing I did.. as said above proof keep recordings or download call messages, log everything date time incident witnesses evidence…
It works but it got worse for me and had to have him arrested for breaches and go to court.. but since I showed him I’m willing to do all that to keep him away (every time I didn’t report or didn’t go to court he took that as I he was winning and he persisted in his harrassment) once I stood my ground he stopped..

[Living Warrior]

I agree with eggshells..
I have the same fears as me and my partner have had conversations about the future etc, and I have the same fears you do with the regards to getting married.

But eggshells is right, my partner would be devastated if I didn’t share my fears with him, especially as we have a close “teamwork” kind of relationship… I’m guessing ur partner would be much like mine and hurt that you didn’t talk it through with him.. I know 9/10 times my partner would sit, and talk to me about my fears and he would do anything he could to reassure me and make me feel safe..
Maybe he would think of things to keep the day special and safe if ur ex did attend… at least you can both have a plan in place.

I’m guessing ur partner would hate to think u were facing ur fears alone.
Good luck xxx

[Living Warrior]

Thank you so much xxx

[Living Warrior]

If u look at my profile at the forums I started there is a list of things u may find useful.

[Living Warrior]

I could of written this my self, I ended up getting legal advice after speaking to my local womens aid.
Texts and calls and (detail removed by moderator) became a frequent addition to my day aswell as constant asking what I was doing when he came to collect kids, dumping kids with relatives and following me when he was supposed to be having his contact time.
I had to get a non molestation order to stop his being near the house and contacting me, courts suggested contact about childcare only, but then he started to use kids as a way to get me to reply. So my solicitor stopped all contact. I have a prohibited steps order which states I am the sole carer and he cannot remove kids from my care or others like school and friends without my permission. And currently going through family court for contact.
These men use everything to their advantage and rarely give a toss about kids, they are just pawns in the long game.. stopping all contact and keeping a log of the incidents including copies of texts, calls screenshot etc.. things sadly usually escalated when they feel they are losing control so seeing other people can spark more incidents, so just be wary and report everything no matter how small to police.

U cannot go into detail but reporting everything is extremely important as u get a reference number to quote and this shows escalation. Proof that they cannot wiggle out of.. ud be surprised how the little things build a huge picture later on.

Please stay safe, get support and report things.

[Living Warrior]

I am in a great relationship now and I was worried about going through the whole thing again.. I guess what helped me was getting perspective on what I wanted out of a relationship… and working out what I could compromise with and what I wouldn’t… I had a few ups and downs.. as I felt obliged to do things I didn’t want to do, but after talking it through with my partner and him understanding (because believe it or not if these men do care about us, they will rationally discuss things and that way we work through things together) sometimes I was in the wrong and when explained I could see why… other times I was right and things where sorted…either way if I felt wrong.. I talked about it.. u have to feel comfortable with the person ur with to ur gut tells u alot… even if u don’t want it to… I still trust my gut today, its the reason I’m still alive.. and my partner agrees with me, if I feel off… we talk and work it out.

It’s really hard, trusting people after the hurt.. but u will get there in ur own time.. don’t rush it. Xxx

[Living Warrior]

Hi hun, I have experience with this and had to get legal advice after I split with my ex and he used the fact we have kids to harrass me more and more after we split. I have non molestation order in place. I have a prohibited steps order too to stop him taking kids from school etc. As it is going through legal atm as he wants contact with kids I cannot go into too much detail, but log everything, photograph and photocopy everything… and go no contact. These orders can be drawn up without notice which means he doesn’t need to know until the order is signed and in place.. if you check through my profile and check the forum posts there is more info there about how these work.
I do hope that you can find the courage and strength you need to get yourself and child/ren safe too… we are all here if u need support. Xxx

[Living Warrior]

You will find that to everyone else these people are the best thing since sliced bread…. thats because they twist the truth to fit their objectives.. they have years of experience with lying and have no conscience.
Everyone gets sucked in by their lies, as only people who question their motives or antics are shown their real colours.

You are not losing your mind, u know the real person… he just wears masks around others xxx

[Living Warrior]

Hi hun, I have children with my abuser.. each person’s experience is different, some take longer than others… I find strength in helping others, I volunteer etc but sometimes I still need to take a time out because I still have stuff going on, u literally look after yourself first, then start small… answer a few questions on here if u feel u can… that helped me to start.
Some people move on mentally before they leave physically, not everyone’s situation is the same, so don’t punish urself if you need extra time…. u heal as quickly as u heal 🙂 stay strong, it will happen xxx

[Living Warrior]

I wrote myself a letter on the bad days… I told myself how stupid I would be and why… I reminded myself of every little incident and how it made me feel.. reminded myself that the nice side of him was the lie and the truth is the abuse… I kept a log of all the harrassment, screen shot all emails and messages… for evidence and so I could reread if necessary… and then I cut contact completely… and did lots to take my mind off the feelings.. I kept busy.

[Living Warrior]

I agree, now is a great time to change ur number… and go no contact. Keep a record of all the behaviour and take screen shots etc off possible.
I had to get legal help to keep my ex away, and stop him continuing his harrassment and abuse through child contact.. this is normal apparently, but the best thing I ever did was get legal advice.. these people twist the truth to suit their own needs. I was horrified when I found out the extents my ex has gone through to harrass me through contact, twisted the truth to fit his version of lies.. luckily for every lie he told I had evidence backing me up… hence why making a log and taking screen shots of everything is ideal!
Good luck xxx stay strong

[Living Warrior]

I have been and still am in some ways in this situation,
My ex, denies everything, I am so gladglad that I made a log of every incident from when I left, just wish I had kept logs when I was still there but I couldn’t at the time..
My memories and his memories never match up… and he has gone so far to say now that I abused him!

Iv had him refuse to adjern hearings when we have been waiting on evidence just to make me turn up and be told to go home until the evidence shows… he will actually pay legal fees (even when he states poverty) just to be an inconvenience to me…as he knows I struggle with child care when I need to go to hearings…

Iv had him tell family and friends thathat I am using kids to abuse him… even tho he was the one using contact times to get to me…
I have even had him tell officers that went to talk to him bout harrassment that he was worried about the children’s welfare and police had to come inside to check the house was appropriately safe and had food etc…

Go no contact all the way..
I tried to be understanding and kind and it literally did me no good..
Good luck

[Living Warrior]

I know this pain well.. I thought I had over come it when I was out a couple of years… but due to ongoing issues, this feeling has come back…
I know its the stress of the things have got going on, but I really wish I knew how to overcome it for good.

I was doing really well, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now again I feel like iv been buried alive, fighting for every breath.. I took one day at a time, and when it was bad I took the day minute by minute… it is extremely difficult to shift that horrible feeling… and u just have to remember you are a strong person to
have got this far, no matter what other people think or say.

Keep moving forward no matter the size of the steps xxx

[Living Warrior]

Thank you all for your kind messages, I do hope this is just another faze, I am having a mare atm (detail removed by moderator) I dont know how to overcome that fear, its keeping me awake at night havnt slept properly in 2 weeks and have another (detail removed by moderator) to go…

[Living Warrior]

Thank you all for your comments I was hoping today I’d wake up feeling more fierce and ready for the next round… but nope, I’m more of a mess today then I was yesterday.. I can’t stop shaking or crying and I constantly feel like I’m gunna throw up. The closer the day gets where I have to relive it all over again whole being made out to be a lier the more I fall apart.. il have nothing left for the day of it continues like this 😒 I don’t know where I can get the strength from… its took so much already.
Thank you though for ur posts it helps to know I’m not alone because I feel so so alone right now.

[Living Warrior]

I agree with KIP. I too went no contact I too would rather struggle than let that despicable human anywhere near my new life.. I moved out etc. So I didn’t have any ties to him.
Everything these men do is for their own benefit. And they always want something for it….

[Living Warrior]

I agree with advice already given, I also would keep evidence of any breach, eg messages etc and forward them onto police (keep a copy for yourself too, as these things tend to get lost or misplaced.

As it is a criminal matter you may have been given a number of the “witness care team” of police officers, these will deal with any issues you are having while the case is being sorted out, if you have contact them, i ended up with other court orders on top of those put in place due to my exs lack of respect for the law, if you havnt got these numbers chase it up with your local station as they should have given you a person to contact in case of any intimidation etc.

i hope things get better for you, stay safe & stay strong.

[Living Warrior]

That is fine hun, just please make sure you keep a log of any incidents as this will be a lifeline IF things escalate, as when leaving this is our most dangerous for us, as these people feel they are losing their grip and get desperate to keep it.
get in touch with your local womens aid as they will be able to specify the help and services available for you in your area.
They can also advise you on different y ways to stay safe while you are still there and make a plan to help you get out safely.

[Living Warrior]

Hi hunni, welcome to the forum,
I am sorry that you are going through this, yes it is Domestic Violence,

Take a look at https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

This course is based on the book “living with the dominator” by pat craven, it is used by womens aid, and really helped me see things clearer at the start of my journey.

the following info is about keeping yourself safe in the long run, and how to report incidents and log things to use if needed at a later stage.

Things that could help in Domestic Abuse Situations:
Below is a list of things you can do to help your situation, please be aware that you should only do this if you are safe to do so, do not do anything if it will or could put you in danger. All things listed may or may not apply to your personal circumstances and are a rough guide only.

LOG EVERYTHING.
Keep a diary or log (see picture below or search ‘Harassment incident logs’ in google,) give as much information as possible. Date/Time/Place/Witnesses/what happened. This will give a clear view of the harassment. Every text, row, email etc- will show the length of the harassment to professionals.

When possible, keep copies/screen shots of any messages, emails, social media postings, call logs, voice recordings of phone calls or voice messages that show any kind of abuse or negative behaviour. Try to ensure that dates and times of the when the things are sent or posted are on the screen shots etc. Always keep back-up copies too!
Report to police
Call 999 if you are in immediate danger. Otherwise report incidents to the police, using either 101 or the online chat option. This will give you another piece of evidence. The police will give you a reference number for the incident. They may send officers to assist you or collect evidence such as messages or voice recordings at a convenient time.
Log this reference number onto your incident report- this will ensure that you have a record of what happened also if you have police attendance, make a note of their names. This again will help jog your memory if at any point in the future the evidence is needed to get a court order or needed in court.
COURT ORDERS.
The Non-Molestation Order (NMO)- is essentially an injunction aimed at stopping the abuse from a partner or ex-partner (respondent) from ever taking place again. It is a civil order that is granted by a Judge or Magistrates through the Family Court.
This can include (but is not limited to): Harassment & abuse of any kind, including through the use of phone calls, texts/emails/ social media. Even when contact is presumed to continue due to child contact arrangements.
These court orders can be drawn up quickly and with as much detail as needed to keep the named person/people safe. Even to the extent of no contact at all unless it goes through family court/solicitors to gain access the child/ren.
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

The Prohibited Steps Order (PSO)- is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent.
This includes taking the child out of the custody of the other parent, unless agreed by the court.
This also stops the respondent from taking children out of school without consent, and out of care of friends/family members, without strict permission from the court to do so.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Occupation order-An occupation order would be an appropriate medium of protection if you consider yourself unsafe living with your partner, perhaps due to being subject to acts of violence and consequently you may have left home but want to return and exclude your abuser. In this way the order regulates who can live in the family home and come within the surrounding area.
It is worth noting however, that such orders may not work for everyone the same way and in some such cases it may even be counterproductive. The courts do require that there has been a sufficient level of harassment to warrant an intervention order. The abuser must have acted deliberately to harass the applicant.
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation
Child contact arrangements.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

Legal aid- help & support.
https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid
Domestic abuse or violence
You might be able to get legal aid if you have evidence that you or your children have been victims of domestic abuse or violence and you cannot afford to pay legal costs.
You do not have to get evidence before talking to a legal aid solicitor or Civil Legal Advice (CLA), but they’ll need to see it before deciding whether you can get legal aid.
What counts as domestic abuse for legal aid
You or your children must have been victims of either:
domestic abuse or violence
financial control, for example being stopped from accessing a joint bank account.
What counts as evidence.
You’ll usually need to show that you or your children were at risk of harm from an ex-partner.

You can ask for evidence from:
the courts
the police
a multi-agency risk assessment conference (MARAC)
social services
a health professional, for example a doctor, nurse, midwife, psychologist or health visitor
a refuge manager
a domestic violence support service
your bank, for example credit card accounts, loan documents and statements
your employer, or education or training provider
the provider of any benefits you’ve received
Check if you can get Legal Aid.
https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

[Living Warrior]

Hi hun,
womens aid have a super power of being listened to, but unfortunately they cant help, they can be very persuasive tho.
i would go higher than your housing officer- ask for the departmental manager, and make a formal complaint.

i got intouch with the school and school nurse too and they helped push my application along a little.

ask citezens advice for advice, you may be able to get legal aid

Legal aid- help & support.
https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid
Domestic abuse or violence
You might be able to get legal aid if you have evidence that you or your children have been victims of domestic abuse or violence and you cannot afford to pay legal costs.
You do not have to get evidence before talking to a legal aid solicitor or Civil Legal Advice (CLA), but they’ll need to see it before deciding whether you can get legal aid.
What counts as domestic abuse for legal aid
You or your children must have been victims of either:
domestic abuse or violence
financial control, for example being stopped from accessing a joint bank account.
What counts as evidence.
You’ll usually need to show that you or your children were at risk of harm from an ex-partner.

You can ask for evidence from:
the courts
the police
a multi-agency risk assessment conference (MARAC)
social services
a health professional, for example a doctor, nurse, midwife, psychologist or health visitor
a refuge manager
a domestic violence support service
your bank, for example credit card accounts, loan documents and statements
your employer, or education or training provider
the provider of any benefits you’ve received
Check if you can get Legal Aid.
https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

you can apply to have him removed from the property.

these court orders can help keep him away and you and the kids safe.

The Non-Molestation Order (NMO)- is essentially an injunction aimed at stopping the abuse from a partner or ex-partner (respondent) from ever taking place again. It is a civil order that is granted by a Judge or Magistrates through the Family Court.
This can include (but is not limited to): Harassment & abuse of any kind, including through the use of phone calls, texts/emails/ social media. Even when contact is presumed to continue due to child contact arrangements.
These court orders can be drawn up quickly and with as much detail as needed to keep the named person/people safe. Even to the extent of no contact at all unless it goes through family court/solicitors to gain access the child/ren.
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

The Prohibited Steps Order (PSO)- is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent.
This includes taking the child out of the custody of the other parent, unless agreed by the court.
This also stops the respondent from taking children out of school without consent, and out of care of friends/family members, without strict permission from the court to do so.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Occupation order-An occupation order would be an appropriate medium of protection if you consider yourself unsafe living with your partner, perhaps due to being subject to acts of violence and consequently you may have left home but want to return and exclude your abuser. In this way the order regulates who can live in the family home and come within the surrounding area.
It is worth noting however, that such orders may not work for everyone the same way and in some such cases it may even be counterproductive. The courts do require that there has been a sufficient level of harassment to warrant an intervention order. The abuser must have acted deliberately to harass the applicant.
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation
Child contact arrangements.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce
feel free to message if you need any more information.

[Author]

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