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Thank you and, for what it is worth, I don’t think it is ever too late. I’m sure you’re doing a great job as a mum xxxx

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Congratulations, you’re very strong and I’m very happy for you x

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If you haven’t already read about the cycle of abuse, it may help you to see your relationship more clearly. It is normal to doubt yourself as he has likely destroyed your confidence and stopped you from trusting your instincts. Even now years later I have to remind myself that it WAS abuse x

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I am also proof that you can do this. In the run up to leaving my counselor told me to focus on taking care of myself, to eat small, nourishing meals if I didn’t have an appetite, and to try and get enough sleep. I planned my future and dreamed of all the things I’d be free to do. If you can try and block him out, focus on exactly what you need to do to get through this. When I fled I moved to a different country with my children and had to focus on getting passports and notifying the school, and focusing on all the different steps I needed to take also helped. Sending you love and strength. You can get through this and one day you’re life will be so different and you’ll look back and feel so proud of yourself. You can do this.

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No regrets, as soon as I realised what was happening (ie. the abuse) I knew I had to get out. I’d regret having ever met him if it wasn’t for my children.

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I’d worked for his company for (detail removed by moderator) when, on a business trip, he launched himself at me (detail removed by moderator) and I didn’t know what to do. Because of my family situation I was vulnerable, and he was in a position of power and authority and was (detail removed by moderator) years older than me, so even though he repulsed me I gave in. Oh, and he was married, and a serial cheater, too. I tried to end it many times over the years, but he was pushed himself on me and even went out and bought sex toys after I ended it, yet was never there when I needed him. He cheated on me multiple times yet never admitted it. Over time he isolated me from my friends and family, and removed me from my home/city where I lived again and again to further distance me from people who cared. He made me front his business, while he did dodgy dealings I was unaware of behind the scenes. He took out loans in my name, without my knowledge or consent, then pressurized me to sign them, even when I was in hospital after a long Labour and emergency c-section with our (detail removed by moderator) child. Although we’d been trying for him for (detail removed by moderator) years, he questioned the paternity, secretly hoped I’d miscarry, and worked me so hard I almost collapsed from exhaustion. He was hours late picking me up from hospital and left me alone at home, taking my pain medication with him, and expected me to start work the next day, which I duly did. The (detail removed by moderator) I made dinner for him (detail removed by moderator) when he finally returned, and within (detail removed by moderator) of my baby’s birth he pressured me to be back at work full time. I tried to meet up with antenatal class friends but he wouldn’t speak to me when I returned, and after a group I went to (detail removed by moderator) after my child’s birth he wouldn’t come come and meet me, so I had to walk up the street with my baby in their car seat, despit my c-section scan, because he had to take an ‘important phone call’. He also called his ex wife every single night of our relationship (he finally left her after our (detail removed by moderator). He groomed me and was predatory, and would ply me with alcohol until I passed out, then he’d (detail removed by moderator) in restaurants, have sex with me (detail removed by moderator) in public places, or I’d wake to find him having sex with me. He pressured me to move abroad with him, and shortly afterwards we were investigated by the police for his bad business dealings. I was completely isolated, as were my children, and days and days would pass before we saw anyone. I finally realised what was happening and fled with the children and had to go bankrupt because he left our home (which, conveniently, had a huge mortgage in my name only). My children were timid, lacking confidence and unused to socialising. We left (detail removed by moderator), and even (detail removed by moderator) he sent flowers on my (detail removed by moderator) birthday. He is a monster. People he upset in business have publicized my name and address online (from my bankruptcy posting) and are inciting people he has let down to come to my house. Thank you for letting me get this out, and I’m sorry I haven’t stuck to the format you suggested!

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Oh I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. It is very early days and you’re probably in shock and coming to terms with his abuse. It sounds as though your son is better not having contact with your ex (I’m a firm believer that if a man is abusive to the mother of his child then he isn’t a good dad), although only little he knows his own mind. It must be doubly hard dealing with all of this during lockdown. I was a shell when I escaped, I remember being scared to go into shops or get on a bus, and (detail removed by moderator) on I’m still processing and coming to terms with everything that happened to me. This forum has really helped, as has reading lots about abuse (including fiction) and I’m currently reading a lot of feminist literature as it helps me to feel strong. My local DA charity recommended Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That?’ as do many women on here, it might help you to begin to understand what you’ve been through? Wishing you lots of love and luck, and remember how strong you are to have gotten out of the relationship xx

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Thank you so much nbumblebee. It is interesting, I do feel that if my upbringing had been different I wouldn’t have been vulnerable to my ex. Even when my mum was functioning I did feel there were similarities between her behaviour and his. I’ve thought about moving away, not too far, but then wonder if I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face, and if choosing to isolate myself from my family is a good idea when I’m already struggling, although part of me can see a fresh start and the chance to create a new life, away from everything, for me and my children. I do worry that my children need more role models, especially male ones, and that I should try to make things with my family work. I feel especially guilty because the rest of my family are trying to support my mum, even though she is aggressive and making terrible choices.
I’m sorry to hear your husband is nasty. I really do hope that you can find happiness.

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Thank you Turtledove, and congratulations on managing to get out. I agree that contact with an abusive parent is more harmful than not having that parent around, and the DA charity I’m in touch with and my children’s health visitor would agree also. I’m finding it very hard to think he will be back in our lives again. I hope all goes well for you in the future regarding courts and contact, please reach out if you’d like to, if I can help in any way x

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Thank you Braelynn. There’s still a huge part of me that thinks it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and that I’m exaggerating, although I’m getting better at this as time goes on. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD and I can’t see me ever having an intimate relationship again, I’m constantly triggered by any slight thing that reminds me of him, and it turns my stomach. I can’t tell you how brilliantly my children are doing, they generally don’t miss him and are thriving like you wouldn’t believe. We fled and spent (detail removed by moderator) living with my alcoholic parent, which was tough in many ways, but we’re on our own now, and I feel incredibly lucky literally every day, I’m so thankful to be safe and have my children. I’m terrified he’ll apply to the courts for access but right now he isn’t, he’s still overseas and my local da charity thinks he is unlikely to. Thank you so much for listening, I can’t tell you how good it’s felt to get this all out! Xx

 

 

 

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I think we must have replied to each other’s posts at the same time! Thank you, that’s really made me smile. Take care xx

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That’s lovely KIP x

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Thank you for your kind words Lottieblue. I’ve just contacted the forum and reported the posts because they include private information and are threatening. I’ve been nervous about doing anything like this before because I’ve been scared of anything I do making it worse. Fingers crossed they take it down x

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Thank you KIP. We didn’t marry and my children have their father’s surname. Unfortunately my surname is fairly unusual. You’ve made me wonder whether to change it, possibly to my wonderful late grandmother’s maiden name so there’s still a family connection. My local DA charity have been amazing so I will contact them. Thank you again xx

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Thank you as always for your wise words KIP. I’ve thought about changing our names, but wouldn’t I need their father’s position? I’m terrified about our new friends, community and future employers finding out, there’s information about it on the internet that’s fairly easy to find. This happened years ago and I felt like I was just starting to get over the trauma of it all. My ex even told me I could never return to the UK because I would be arrested on entry. I’m too scared to talk to the police. I feel like I was just starting to get to a good place with my mental health.

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