Sadandconfused

[Sadandconfused]

I don’t know where to start really. I have a couple of friends who have an idea but I wouldn’t know what bit it is that is causing this now

[Sadandconfused]

Thank you. I am just so anxious and I just get triggered then massively blow up out of all proportion.

I never wanted to talk about it at all because I wanted to bury it but it seems like it’s come back. I can’t afford a therapist so I will look online and see if there is anything for free going on.

[Sadandconfused]

Mine is a proven one and against a child too but i’m still bonkers? The system is disgusting I felt sorry for the social worker she was truly mortified what a waste of peoples time. I’m seeing my solicitor next week and will definitely be telling her about it and my support worker. That officer has basically undone months of feeling better after years of being called a liar and a fantasist by the ex.

[Sadandconfused]

She said that it would be fed back and it was ludicrous apparently shes had referrals for a dirty kitchen before too from the same station. I’m just devastated the one thing no one apart from ex has ever said is that i’m paranoid and mentally ill I am so upset by it its the biggest insecurity of mine it really is. I have been under huge pressure for years now we had a period of 6 months where I thought it had calmed down and here we are back again its pulled the rug totally and i’m just so exhausted.

[Sadandconfused]

The officer actually said to me “I bet you used to be a confident person before all of this..” What a comment to make? (detail removed by Moderator) The first officer wasn’t great who came initially but I rang back very upset when various inquiries proved the length of time someone could have been here and the sent a plain clothes woman who was lovely that (detail removed by Moderator) has ruined all my faith in ten minutes. I’m just so very tired of fighting everyone. I get its “unexplained” but since when does the victim become insane and the most likely guilty get never ending benefit of the doubt?

[Sadandconfused]

Thanks guys its really knocked me the idea he was in my house was bad enough they told me to report any little thing I do and then this happens. He was pretty rude at the house but reporting me to SS adult and kids? Luckily our SW who has never had any problem with me ever took no notice. Its a small station to be honest i’m quite scared of what the reaction is going to be if I complain. How a High Risk DV victim, subject of a MARAC and with a case proven in court can be paranoid I don’t know… The mental health social worker was amazed I was in one piece after it all let alone a bit nervous she was so sorry but its made me wary now i’ll not be reporting a thing I can’t 100% prove. The joke is by reporting as I did we got the case proven if all had been like him I dread to think where we would be now.

[Sadandconfused]

There’s no pages I don’t recognize but that doesn’t mean he didn’t just use the open Face book page to request the friends. The choice of downloaded program is a message too. They have been out and were keen enough to record it as ‘unexplained’ but obviously can’t do anything as so many times. Waiting again I guess.

[Sadandconfused]

Congratulations and good on you for coming so far I can feel you smiling through that post.

[Sadandconfused]

Thanks all for the words of support it means a lot. I just worry so much that even though the case was proven and even though he refuses to admit any of it and has lied and made a farce out of the court system he can still play these stupid games.
It’s always me that gets the court officials all over them and has to deal with the stress and worry. If it goes back it will be a section 7 report apparently.
The best he would ever get would be supervised permanently and he lives hundreds of miles away so is never going to keep it up but he’s allowed to keep doing this. Logic tells me we are fine but I can’t bare him to even breathe near them. I gave up my past and future to come away and protect them, battled through court, won and now this again it’s torment.
If supervised contact was given and you refuse to comply does anyone know what would happen?

[Sadandconfused]

It’s shut because they have no problem with me and he’s no contact so they closed it all down it makes no sense how it works but that’s the situation.

He has no contact with me it’s all through solicitors but that’s enough to cause my melt downs sadly. I think I’m getting better then he pops up again.

I’m wondering what would happen if I just stop playing the game and refuse point blank to even discuss access or anything else anymore? We went to
Court and had an awful ordeal over days of being cross examined I’ve proved my point in law no sane person is going to think he’s a help to anyone.

Thanks so much guys you lot have really helped. I’m going to get the gp to write something out for me to confirm what this is doing to me. I’m the primary carer of small children it’s really unfair.

He refuses to deal with the financials apparently he can’t afford it although I left with nothing and he’s a portfolio of property and a very good job… He just ignores all contact.

[Sadandconfused]

We have won in family court too he’s guilty of abuse to kids and me. Very high risk and would never be given unsupervised however he still likes to not leave me alone. They can apparently keep applying as much as they want regardless. It’s Never about the kids no gifts sent other than threats to me it’s insane.

I have no contact at all he sadly was told where kids are educated by court mess up- don’t ask. So that is a worry we have alarms and panic buttons fitted. Tyres have been let down but police say I drove over the nails.. He’s hired private investigators in the past so can’t have my post here the list goes on..

Ss said no contact but they shut the case when it went to court so we are stuck in no mans land at the moment.

Kids don’t know him so it’s insane who would reintroduce that?

I am wondering about getting a doctors letter about the strain and anxiety I am under incase it does try and go back to court yet again so you think that would hold weight? I had professionals come to court for me before it’s insane this can keep being threatened to restart.

[Sadandconfused]

I’ve got a solicitor the problem is he sacked his and won’t talk to anyone. My DV worker just says I have to stop obsessing!! Hard not too.
We do speak on the phone I just feel like we are missing his last time it’s so unfair.

[Sadandconfused]

He doesn’t even see them and the only indirect contact he had he sent threats it’s just so hard why can’t anyone get these monsters away?
I should add the proven assaults were on them what is wrong with this system? What does giving me a break down achieve?
There is nothing currently on going so I’m not breaking the rules but advice would be great.

[Sadandconfused]

I hear alarm bells too I don’t see a possible reason he would be shouting at you especially knowing how it makes you feel. Abusers aren’t all the same because he is different doesn’t mean he can’t be abusive and this is early days too.

I would agree to everything and never have an opinion either are you sure you are ready for this?

[Sadandconfused]

I agree keep well out of it.

My abuser used to slag off his ex and mother of his other child she was useless a bad parent you name it. Until I was in her shoes I had no idea what I was dealing with.

To start with we all know that they are charming. If I was you I would block the lot and don’t get involved at all or let him drag you into it.

[Sadandconfused]

The other end of it is that they try to chuck the thing out so that the victim isn’t ‘upset’ further but then that means that the abuse isn’t acknowledged as being half as bad as it was.

The system is so badly floored and in favor it seems of giving the benefit of the doubt to men who run campaigns of terror against women and children that they are supposed to love its appalling.

[Sadandconfused]

Having been through this too I can also identify there is little or no sympathy at all for victims even with screens, support workers with you and security guards I have been there.

I think that sadly the judges hear it so much that they become desensitized to it I guess not everyone is telling the truth too when the testify it amazed me how there is no punishment apparently for being caught lying under oath.

You know you did what was right for you as I do and so many others of us. I just hope its over soon and you can be rid of him.

Even my solicitor and barrister said the law is wrong but for some reason even now they have brought in these emotional abuse laws nothing seems to be changing.

[Sadandconfused]

My own mother tried to say that we just got together too fast and didn’t really know each other it drives me insane! The other day she said that a social worker she knows made the same mistake so maybe it wasn’t so obvious he was awful from the start??!!!!!

When we went to court my ex physically turned his whole body away from me like a child when I had to walk past him and his dad got right up in my face how ridiculous when he knows full well what he did to me and children. On top of that they lied under oath which just shows how some people are wired.

I would be glad of the no contact as infuriating as it is and hope that he stays that way. I would also as you have been doing keep all communication to an absolute minimum i’m guessing he will soon enough return when he realizes his current method isn’t working.

[Sadandconfused]

Thank you Ayanna. I will fight till my last breath. They don’t know him its been a long time and they are very young so maybe that will help a little.
I won’t ever offer them up to him for anything they will never get me to agree that he is safe to be around at all I just hope that someone hears me its so distressing it really is. I have heard so many horror stories.
We are many hours travel away too so I am hoping taking myself completely out of the area will help too as as much as I hate this because I gave them this man as their parent he doesn’t care in the slightest and will take no blame for anything ever it is all my fault. I just hope that others realize what he is and I can keep them safe.

[Sadandconfused]

Yes me too. Confronting him in court was exhausting and brought back nightmares and all sorts of horrible worries and thoughts. I think I cried for two full days and after that just couldn’t seem to function at all and have waves of anxiety. I don’t think its abnormal at all. I was worried I was numb and could show no emotion anymore but when I was there it poured out of me and left me totally exhausted.

[Sadandconfused]

I agree I don’t know how old your daughter is but the Health Visitor was very supportive of me. I would call Social Services and ask their advice. If he wants to take you to court let him it will take a long time and cost a lot of money. If he is only interested in you hopefully he will loose interest. As others have said safeguarding issues would mean he would most likely only be allowed supervised contact. Don’t give in to any contact you aren’t happy with as this can be used against you. If you feel hes not safe only let him see your daughter in a safe supervised environment or not at all. You can also call NSPCC for advice too.

[Sadandconfused]

I can’t understand how any of this could possibly be its insane. Surly they aren’t going to let someone unsupervised who has done these sorts of things? I will fight till my last breath its just so bloody stressful when you know he doesn’t care for them at all its about punishing me for daring to leave him.

[Sadandconfused]

I am feeling a little better this morning thanks guys. It comes in waves some days are terrible and others not so much so. Having very young children and little sleep on top is a killer.

[Sadandconfused]

Thank you it feels a little better that i’m not alone. I am absolutely freaking out daily to be honest. I had awful anxiety at the back end of last year and then a period of doing better and now its back with vengeance. Not sure what the answer is to any of it.

I am so scared for my children too and what might happen in the future.

[Sadandconfused]

I have been to court for two days. I had a support worker with me the whole time which made all the difference and lots of special measures screens etc. Please do look into this its a huge help.

There was something very liberating about telling my story and actually being believed. I am not saying it wasn’t scary but afterwards I did find some peace that I hadn’t had before. Preparation is the key and the barristers weren’t as horrible as I imagined.

You can do it well done for being so very brave xx

[Sadandconfused]

That would make sense. I haven’t been on Freedom yet. I have read all of the books which have helped a lot but due to work and childcare I haven’t been on the actual program. I guess part of me is afraid that I deal with it a little too well now because I distance myself from what has happened in my head. Maybe to acknowledge it would bring out all of those same feelings that you are experiencing too.

[Sadandconfused]

Can you move? I managed to get to an address that wasn’t known and the police put in window and door alarms and gave me a panic button. This helped me to feel a little more confident but its a really hard road. As others have said get hold of a solicitor and see about getting a Non Molestation order.
It is amazing how they all read from the same script i’m mad too and depressed and everything is my fault so you aren’t alone at all.

[Sadandconfused]

Please get some help and realise that this isn’t your fault. It breaks my heart to read your posts and to see how confused you are. I was there and sometimes I feel doubt too but I know deep down it was nothing that I did. I was you I made the perfect life I waited on him hand and foot but it was never enough. Please stop blaming yourself its not your fault. He broke you up with his behavior. Are you supposed to be unhappy forever and treated badly would that make things better? Leaving him is a positive thing for your children too and they aren’t going to be subjected to emotional abuse in the future. Your children need and love you don’t let what has happened make you not be there for them too. I replied to your other post saying this but please see a GP, get hold of a Womens Aid support worker and try and read “Living with the Dominator” or Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” Once you understand how his mind works you will see that you aren’t mad at all but the victim.

[Sadandconfused]

Don’t you see though that this is just another way to control you? He has abused you saying things like “He might get back with you” and blaming everything on you is classic. Have you read ” Living with the Dominator” or Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” You can find both on free downloads if you google and it will open you eyes it really will. You are not mad at all this is another way to control you please get some help and contact your local Womens Aid my Support Worker is amazing and helped me through the first few months.

[Sadandconfused]

I posted something similar a few days ago. I think its a coping mechanism to not be able to let it out or to try and act like its not your own story as too accept it all would be just too hard.

You are free and you have kept your children safe and I know to go through that process is incredibly hard and emotionally draining.

Congratulations and be kind to yourself

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