Sad sunflower

[Sad sunflower]

Dear Looking for myself,

Leaving is hard, but not going back to them is even harder. I left my abuser over a year ago and the first few months were hell. I thought about going back so many times.The emptiness, the uncertainty and the loneliness you feel after leaving are normal but trust me, they won´t last forever. You need to be patient and kind with yourself. All the love you have and used to give to your partner, well it´s time to give all that love to yourself. I found that doing small things for yourself really helps, such as buying yourself something pretty or eating some food you really like. You might not feel like getting out of bed now, but try to do one nice thing for yourself everyday, even if it’s just brushing your hair, all these little things do add up and in time you will start to feel better. You have no idea how happy and satisfied you will be with your life in a few months now that you are free!

[Sad sunflower]

Dear Wanderlust, I believe most of us have taken our abusers back. I took him back a thousand times! Sometimes I was the one begging him to stay with me. Don´t worry about what people will think. Those who care about you will understand and be supportive, you will be amazed! Stay strong!

[Sad sunflower]

Dear Snowplower, I would advise you not to talk to him, he’s only going to make you feel worse. I’ve been out for about 9 months now but talked to him every now and them when he contacted me up until december. Let me tell you, every single time we talked I was left feeling guilty and confused. It usually took me a few weeks to go back to feeling OK. He would be nice at first, but then he would start blaming me for everything, criticising everything I did and then the name-calling would begin. It was just awful. I have not talked to him for 2 months now and honestly feel so much better. It is normal to miss them but just remember that you deserve better.

[Sad sunflower]

Dear TurquoiseSkies, please don’t see him if you don’t feel strong enough, even if you do, it’s never a good idea to meet with an abuser after breaking up. They are so smart to pull us back in! I would advise going no contact and trying to stick to it. At first it is unbelievably hard, but as time goes on and you begin to realise you are so much better without him it becomes easier. I’ve been out for aprox. (detail removed by moderator) months and every time I’ve met up with my abuser I have ended up feeling so low, now I know better and feel so much better.
Keep posting, specially when you feel that horrible urge to talk / see him. We’re all here for you.
Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

I think that men are at their best behaviour at the first stages of dating. If he’s making these offensive jokes at this point you can only imagine how things will be further down the road. You are completely right to be upset about this and you should let him know it is not OK. It is difficult for us, abuse survivors, to establish boundaries but we must! People will treat us the way we treat ourselves.
It breaks my heart reading that you don’t find yourself attractive. Look at yourself at the mirror and I am sure you all you will find is beauty and strength, after all you are a survivor. Don’t put yourself down like that! Do things that you enjoy and learn to appreciate all the good in yourself.
Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

Dear Whyme,

I was engaged to my abuser just like you. I was so in love with the idea of getting married that I didn’t stop to think that he wasn’t the man I wanted to be married to! I felt sick when he proposed as well. I always thought I would feel butterflies in my stomach when proposed to, but all I felt was an urge to run for the hills. Our bodies are wise and let us know when something is not right. We should start listening to the signs our bodies give us.

Don’t worry about what other people might think. You don’t need to tell every single person in your life why you left. You don’t need to explain anything. People who truly love you won’t demand an explanation, they will just be happy to see you happy. And trust me, after you leave you will be happy. Of course it takes a long time and it hurts, but the pain of continuing in an abusive relationship is much greater than that of recovery.

It’s never easy to leave an abuser, that’s why you have to work on a plan. Please read as much as you can on domestic abuse and gaslighting. The more you inform yourself, the less he will be able to get in your head- You will start to see through his lies and manipulation. I don’t know how your relationship with your mother is but in my case, telling my parents was such a relief! All I got from them was support, even though sometimes they didn’t understand what I was going through.

[Sad sunflower]

– You’re crazy, just like your sister
– That’s not what happened. How can you even remember things when you said depression affects your memory?!
– You’re making things up again
– I didn’t say that
– I didn’t hit you, I didn’t even touch you (even after he saw the bruises on my arm)
– I didn’t text that woman, I don’t know who did (after I found some texts on his phone and confronted him)
– You need to go back to therapy because you’re delusional
– Normal women wouldn’t get mad at that
– I don’t have to deal with a crazy, sick person like you
– I saw you flirting with that guy
– My friend XXXX told me that he knows you and your friends from uni and says all of you like to sleep around, he even says that he slept with you (turns out his friend never said that and of course he didn’t know me or my friends)
– If I’m such a bad man why don’t you just leave me
– If you still think I’m an abuser then something must be very wrong with you because you keep talking to me… See I didn’t abuse you at all! (after we broke up)
– You’re just making stuff up because you cannot deal with the fact that you are a lousy partner

I also remember this one episode where I was applying for a driving licence and he hid my all my documents. I couldn’t find them anywhere! Asked him… He said he hadn’t seen them. He was so jealous that I finally had the money to buy my first car that the only way to stop me from buying it was preventing me from getting my driving licence! Three months later my documents were on top of my desk. How crazy is that!

A couple of months later his car got stolen and he blamed me: If you hadn’t taken so long doing your hair my car wouldn’t have gotten stolen

It makes me sick just to think about him!

[Sad sunflower]

Hello Confused 123,
I feel just like you do. I have been out for a few months now and feel that the few guys I attracted only wanted sex and the ones who actually want something a little more serious have abuser written all over their faces. I tell myself all the time that while romantic relationships might be nice and fulfilling at times, I can also be perfectly happy on my own. That gets me through difficult days.
Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you ladies for your replies. @KIP I am just so afraid of speaking to the police but I understand I have to, or else he’s never going to leave me alone.
About my friend, I have taken everyone’s advice and decided to stop talking to her. She texted me a few days ago to check on me but I just didn’t reply.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words.

[Sad sunflower]

I forgot to say that my friends and family nelieve that now that he thinks I’m seeing someone else (someone he has always disliked) he might be dangerous. A part of me feels a bit scared but I also don’t want to believe he’s going to start stalking me or something. Do you ladies think he might get violent? Should I be concerned? They tell me this is nowhere near over. I don’t know what to think anymore. Is he really going to keep trying to contact me? Is he going to get violent? What do I need to do for this to be over?! I want him out of my life, I really do!

[Sad sunflower]

Hello @backtome I feel like that as well. My sister, who is (Detail removed by Moderator) years younger than me, has the perfect relationship, while I am still struggling with the effects of the abuse. I barely talk with my parents about it, I feel like they don’t understand.

@ayanna is right, you can get more emotional support here. Post anytime you need to vent and we all be here for you.

Big hug.

[Sad sunflower]

Hello @Benson. I don’t really know much about your story but will be praying for you as well. Stay strong!

[Sad sunflower]

For me I guess it was fear of being alone. He proposed early on the relationship and I just couldn’t see any other path for me in life than marrying this guy. Of course the first couple of years he wasn’t that abusive so I was actually in love and looking forward to marrying and spending the rest my life with him. My obstacles for fleeing were all in my head, I was just so emotionally dependent on him! Thank God I’m out, still struggling with the effects of the abuse, but at least I don’t get beat up and yelled at all the time anymore!

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @fridges you actually made me smile. You are right, I have to keep trying, eventually this need to contact him will go away for good. I will take your advice and stop worrying about him, you are right, he will be fine, they always are

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @KIP . It just scares me how you can be perfectly fine one moment and then the next moment you feel this terrible urge to contact them. It’s terrifying. I am so scared that I will feel this impulse to text him again because I know all he will do is make me feel low.

[Sad sunflower]

Hello Anon.

The ladies on the forum have always told me that No contact is the way to go. At first I did not understand why and texted or called my ex every single time I needed someone to talk to. Big mistake. After talking with him I only felt worse. I took me a long time (over (Detail removed by Moderator) after the first time he hit me) to understand why No contact is so so so important. I’ve been No contact for almost (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks I think and I feel actually much better. I don’t feel guilty and worthless anymore. The first few days are hell, but as time goes on it becomes easier to keep yourself from reaching out to your abuser and eventually, you don’t even feel that need anymore. I agree with KIP, if you need someone to talk to you can always call the helpline, the Samaritans or post here. It will get better with time, just please try to stick to No contact.

Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

Hello Cherrypickle,

My ex was also jealous of my job. First of all, he could not stand one of my male co-workers, who also happens to be a (Detail removed by Moderator). I was not allowed to talk to this co-worker at all. If he ever dared to call or text me (mostly work-related stuff at first, later on we became good friends) I knew my ex would turn into a monster. At first he only yelled at me every time my co-worker texted me, it then evolved into my ex yelling at me every time something reminded him of this guy… A (Detail removed by Moderator) car passed us down the motorway? well, I deserved to be yelled at because my co-worker had a (Detail removed by Moderator) car. I was accused of cheating all the time. Fortunately, it was this co-worker who helped me see I was in an abusive relationship and helped me get out for good. He’s still there for me when I feel low or weak.

My ex was also a very frustrated person. He hated the fact that I had a job I absolutely adore (it took me years to get this job) while he was miserable at work. Every time I tried to share with him something exciting that happened at work, or tell him about something I did well he would tell me to shut up, he would even do this in front of his friends. He was jealous that I had the perfect job and that I was making more money than him.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that abusers cannot stand the fact that we have other interests other than catering to their every need and that we can be surrounded by people who really appreciate us for who we are. That is a threat to the control they have on us. Please please please, take this advice from someone who has been through this: do not let him isolate you. Friends and family can be an incredible source of support when dealing with an abusive partner. Talk to people, tell them about what you are going through. Remember that abusers thrive in silence.

Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

I was dumped by my ex several times during our  (detail removed by moderator)  year relationship. The last time he broke up with me ( a few days after he beat me while i was driving) he kept texting me making me feel guilty for our failed relationship, making me promise I will change to make things between us work out. I think what made me decide to stop talking to him, block his number and get him out of my life for good was when my psychiatrist explained to me that the pain of a failed relationship lasted only a couple of months but the pain and anxiety of living with an abuser lasted forever, that if he didn’t kill me within a year (the abuse had been escalating quite quickly). As soon as I left my psychiatrist’s office I blocked his number, deleted the last texts and emails he had sent me (that I hadn’t read yet) because I didn’t want to read them anymore. My psychiatrist’s words were magic, they really got to me. It’s been  (detail removed by moderator)  since my appointment with him and I do feel I have the strength to never go back again. The first few days I missed him so much, but now I feel relieved. However, I still struggle to come to terms with the abuse. I don’t love him anymore, I got over him, but I haven’t gotten over the abuse. It makes me angry to be the one who has to deal with all the horrible consequences while he’s living happily. I couldn’t cry at first, but lately I cry a lot, specially when I’m driving (it’s probably got something to do with the fact that the last time he hit me he did so while I was driving). The good thing is I am never going back and I’m proud of myself for that.

[Sad sunflower]

You are not alone Anonymous. You can always come to the forum for support, we are all here in case you want to talk.

That’s the thing with these men you know, they isolate us from everyone and make us feel we need them. But we don’t! With time you will see there are lovely people around you. I know it is difficult to make new friends when you are feeling so low, but you know what I’ve realised? even sharing a couple of words with someone at the supermarket makes me feel better. Try to go out and do something different, maybe go buy yourself some nice clothes, do something that makes you feel pretty 🙂 those little things help a lot!

Just don’t call him or text him. Zero contact is the way to go. I promise you, once you make the decision to stop talking and interacting with him things start looking up. You just have to be strong enough to survive the first few days of no contact, then it becomes gradually easy as you start getting used to not talking with him and start realising your life is more peaceful without that man in your life.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs 🙂

[Sad sunflower]

So we went for coffee yesterday and God it was great! I was so nervous at first, even shaking! He was so nice! We talked a lot about work and politics and he seemed genuinely interested on what I had to say. Of course, I couldn’t help but to compare him to my ex and realised that my ex never actually listened to me. This guy on the other hand, was so attentive and nice. He texted me as soon as he got home and wants to see me again next week. I did have a great time with him and want keep seeing him but I know I have to take things slowly. I think the most important thing about this date is that I finally realised I deserve to be treated with respect and that there are actually nice people out there who like me. It also got me thinking about what I really want in a partner (in a very very distant future)

[Sad sunflower]

KIP is absolutely right, zero contact is the way to go. At first it’s painfully difficult but as time goes on you realize your life is much more peaceful without your abuser in your life and healing slowly begins. Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you ladies! I think I’ll go but I’ll tell him I want to take things very very slowly. As you said, if he is a nice man he will understand.

[Sad sunflower]

Yes honey, you made the right choice. Just think of how amazing it’s going to be to get over this and start a new life where you will not have to worry about him not calling when he stays out all night, where no one calls you names. Trust me, the promises these men make are worth nothing.

[Sad sunflower]

Dear Anonymous,

Trust yourself, you really are doing the right thing.the first few days (maybe even weeks) are hard. Just be strong and stick to no contact. Don’t hear his voicemails, if possible just change your number. Trust me, no contact is the most important rule in this process. Every time my ex dumped me I broke this rule and got dragged into the misery of being with an abuser. Don’t let that happen to you. Be strong dear. Hugs

[Sad sunflower]

Hello ladies!

I’m so happy I was strong enough to not see him (detail removed by moderator) and felt so empowered. I was finally able to do (detail removed by moderator) things on my own! I rewarded myself with a visit to a couple of good friends of mine I hadn’t seen in ages and had a wonderful evening. Something weird and scary happened yesterday afternoon after I left work but I will share that on another post.

Ftc it’s so great that you’ve been able to stay no contact. It’s definitely the way to go. My ex used to do the “returning items thing as well sometimes he would even return the gifts I have given to him… weird!

[Sad sunflower]

Hello @lilbird

I am sorry you feel depressed. I know what it feels like to live with the black dog of depression. It’s exhausting! I saw three different GPs and two Psychiatrist until I found the right combination of meds. I am not saying I’m OK right now as I have been struggling to get out of an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years, but at least I don’t feel miserable all the time. I have also found that doing one nice thing for myself everyday helps a lot. It doesn’t have to be something big, for example yesterday I bought myself a cheap hair mask as my hair is so dry and used it today. My hair looked good today and that made me feel on top of the world. I am sorry I am only talking about myself, I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe you can try that, buy yourself something nice (it doesn’t have to be expensive), take a walk at the park, give yourself a nice foot rub. Those little things do help a lot even if you don’t see it at first.

I really don’t know your story but it gives me hope to see that it is possible to stay out. I mean, you are (detail removed by moderator) years out, that’s something I really admire. You’re a strong woman, a fighter, a survivor. Remember that every time depression tries to sneak upon you. You deserve to be happy my dear, fight for it!

[Sad sunflower]

@kip and @lover of no contact thank you so much for taking time to reply. I have no words, I am so glad to have found this forum and so thankful for ladies like you. O really appreciate your words, I felt better instantly after reading them. You are right, I will do my best to stick to no contact. I was supposed to see him but I will not go. Thank you thank you thank you

[Sad sunflower]

Thanks for replying @KIP, I’m such a mess right now and it really helps to talk with someone. Sometimes I feel like my friends and family are sick of hearing the same story time and time again. It just hurts so much and at the same time I feel so guilty and like I don’t even deserve to post in the forum. I mean, from the outside it seems so easy for me to leave: I don’t have children, I don’t share a house with him, I don’t depend on him financially, I have a couple of friends and my parents living close by. I feel like it’s all in my head. Like I am a masochist who actually likes all this drama and cannot break free from this ugly man.I know all the ladies here have much bigger problems than me and that just adds to the guilt and pain I feel.

I think deep down I’m just afraid to be alone. I feel like nobody will want me and I will die alone. Every time I try to be social I just feel petrified. It is difficult for me to talk with women I don’t know, let alone men, so how am I ever going to find a nice guy who actually likes me and wants to be with me? My self-esteem is bellow zero and I don’t know what to do about it.

Sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat, I just needed to let all this out. Thanks for reading

[Sad sunflower]

Dear @fridges I can relate with you on so many levels! I myself come from a culture where if you are not married by 30 you are a failure. My parents are very understanding but I can feel there are upset because they want grandchildren and well, I don’t even have a boyfriend. I also go out of my way all the time to please men and it upsets me a lot. This guy I am talking about in my post, he has done this before, cancel our dates of change plans with almost no notice and I have been very patient. But you are right, if he was a good man he wouldn’t be doing this. I have already told him this upsets me and it seems he just doesn’t care so I think it’s best to stop talking to him.

Thank you thank you for replying to my post and sharing your experience with me. It seems like we have a lot in common. Big hug

[Sad sunflower]

Dear @KIP you are an angel! You know so much about abuse and your advice is always so spot on. Four years is a long time! I want to be my old self as soon as possible, but you are right, there’s no need to rush. Thanks for always replying to my posts. Big hug

[Author]

Posts