Sungirl

[Sungirl]

Thanks all. Am trying to focus on the behaviours he used to re-focus me. I know the brain likes to blot out the bad things, and I think my brain particularly likes to romanticise things

[Sungirl]

I have also been in this situation and it is extremely hard still living with them. Try and put some boundaries in place, be clear to him that you don’t want to get back together. Have a separate routine. Try and avoid him as much as possible, don’t engage. He will try everything to get you back on side though so be prepared. Stay focused on the truth and what has happened. Over time our brains make us forget the painful memories. Try and write down things that have happened to remind you. Try and do some things for yourself, focus on yourself and try and block him out and emotionally detach from him. It is extremely hard I am still living with my ex but these are all things that have helped me.

[Sungirl]

Thanks Texas that’s good to know. Just so hard to break away, I guess I have to be more realistic about how hard it’ll be

[Sungirl]

It’s extremely difficult! Often my husband is home late in the evening, so after the kids have gone to bed I stay in my room watching TV. It is becoming very draining though and I need to make a plan to move forwards.

[Sungirl]

This is such a difficult decision to make. I guess you have to weigh up all the options and the pros and cons of staying/leaving. Someone once told me we often have to make a choice between property/home and our safety and wellbeing. I have 3 kids and I am also struggling with this. Husband refuses to leave the house, and insists of wanting us to try again, work on things. I can’t do it anymore but at the moment I can’t leave. I’m hoping to make a plan. Could you apply for social housing? Also have you looked into an occupation order?

[Sungirl]

That sounds like maybe an option then that’s useful to know. Good luck with it all. Have you considered selling the house? I’m thinking that’s what we’ll have to do as there is no way he will move out. He’s also using mental health as a reason to not leave

[Sungirl]

Hi Better-days yes I’d be interested to know how you get on, I’m in (detail removed by moderator) and council housing it very limited so I didn’t think it would be an option

[Sungirl]

I’m in a similar situation, he won’t leave. We left before but ended up coming back. It’s so hard. Yes good idea with local housing see if they can help you. We own our house together so I don’t think I’d be entitled to social housing. Will your family support you? Could you stay with them at all?

[Sungirl]

Try to write down how you feel. Also accept and feel your emotions, these are all normal reactions. This is something I have had to learn to do. You will have bad days and better days. Do you have friends or family you can lean on? Even just to meet up with. Do some things you enjoy as well to try and work through how you feel. It’s also normal to still love them even though they are abusive so don’t be hard on yourself

[Sungirl]

I have also had phases of feeling like this. But life is complicated, we have lots of ties to them and leaving is difficult. We may also still love them so we have conflicting emotions. They make us doubt ourselves over what has happened. Have you read about the cycle of abuse?

[Sungirl]

Start to focus on yourself. Spend some time doing something you enjoy. Try and also get out and go for a walk. Listen to a podcast. Reconnect with family or friends if you can. Think about a plan of how you can leave-where could you go, who could you stay with, save some money etc. it’s a long process and it can take women several times. I’ve left (detail removed by Moderator) times now and we’ve got back together. Be prepeared that they will promise you everything to get back together. Think about your future and what you want for yourself. And don’t be hard on yourself as this shit is hard!

[Sungirl]

Hi stargazing1 just wanted to show some solidarity, it really is so hard to stay living with these people and keep yourself mentally well. It affects our mental health so much. I never had mental health problems u til the last few years. Well done on calling women’s aid. They do take a while to get back to you but they will do. Don’t feel bad about taking medication if this helps you that that’s what you need to do. Try and focus on doing things for yourself. Try and block them out, have you heard of grey rock?

[Sungirl]

Take the opportunity to get a break and have time to see what it’s like being out of the relationship. Focus on yourself. I left (detail removed by Moderator) but ended coming back and now am struggling to work out how to leave again. Although trying to focus on the fact I did it before I can do it again. Good luck to you!

[Sungirl]

Same as what Bananaboat has said. I tried Couples Counselling and he lied about lots of things, made out he couldn’t remember, broke down in tears at one point, just talked about himself. It was exhausting. I used to feel depleted every time. We ended up working in things and he made an effort with his communication, but the same problems started to come back

[Sungirl]

I’m not sure how old your kids are but when I previously got legal advice I was told over the age of about 9 years a child’s own views will be considered, and a court can’t order kids to see or live with a parent if the child doesn’t want to. Have you applied for Divorce? Do you both own the property you live in? As part of the Divorce process these are things that will be decided. The abuse doesn’t come into it once you get to the Divorce stage apparently, and everything starts from a place of 50/50.

[Sungirl]

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s so hard to leave. And when you have kids I think it’s harder, as there are so many things to work out. You did the best you could in that situation.

[Sungirl]

Amazing so happy for you

[Sungirl]

Thanks guys I find it so helpful posting on here. It’s just so frustrating having to wait for support. I still haven’t heard back from my local women’s aid or some solicitors I emailed for advise. I feel like he’s taking my life away from me and I can’t see beyond this point. I never thought it would be this hard. I just want someone to sort his out for me but there is no one

[Sungirl]

I’m dreading Xmas, we are not in the family home and he is there decorating the house etc which he has NEVER done ever. He told the kids they could go round and help decorate a tree, luckily so far this hasn’t happened. We are staying with family so trying to focus on the positives. It’s all so hard to manage though

[Sungirl]

Thank you so much your relies are so appreciated I have got so much advice and support from this forum

[Sungirl]

Hi both above I have recently left an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and husband threatening to attempt suicide. I’ve been advised to get an occupation order to have him removed from the house. I’m so scared though as he is now laying on the mental health stuff really thick and saying I’m making it worse and will make him homeless. I worry at times no win will believe me and I’m not sure what evidence I need. But I have to persevere for my kids sake. I am struggling to deal with my emotions and feel so angry and hurt because he has caused all of this but shows no empathy. My local Women’s Aid has also not got back to me.
I have been doing the course on this website which I have found the most helpful so far https://bloom.chayn.co/courses. They have some nice practical grounding techniques in each of the sessions. Stay strong ladies

[Sungirl]

The last push was a fight between him and his (detail removed by Moderator) with me and the kids there. And then his reaction afterwards when we got home -as calm as anything, completely ignored me and then denied what had happened. My oldest then said he didn’t want to live with him anymore. The last (detail removed by Moderator)months I had slowly been detaching myself, focusing on myself and the kids, not responding to his increasing outbursts. This is the (detail removed by Moderator) time I have left, been (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and trying my hardest to stick at it

[Sungirl]

Thank you browneyedmum it’s helpful to hear your story. I feel the same that he is now making himself the victim, his family are feeling sorry for him (they know about the presides suicide attempt) they have said they are supporting him. It’s frustrating but I won’t let it upset me, as they have shown no support to me and my kids. But maybe they’re just sucked in by him and what he says about himself

[Sungirl]

Thanks for the replies. Bananaboat my husband is doing exactly the same. He’s now saying they’re fine, trying to be all buddy with her. She’s going along with it though I think for an easy life. I just don’t get him at all.

[Sungirl]

So much of what you have said above resonates with me. I have told
My partner to leave several times before and yet ended up back with him. It’s so hard so don’t be hard on yourself and they’re so good at confusing us. I’m slowly realising how manipulative my husband is. He has never been physically abusive. If he has angry rages where he says horrible things. He twists everything that was said and asks me questions which I can’t answer and so then he won’t acknowledge what has happened. I think there is also lots of gaslighting. It’s amazing how much your brain blocks out from these though. I feel like if I don’t do something today then it’s not going to happen. As time goes by I forget stuff and he’ll start being nice again and we’ll just continue to plod a long

[Sungirl]

I love these posts. I separated from my husband for the third time (detail removed by Moderator) ago and ended up getting back together with him as the pain of being apart from him was so bad. And as time went on those rose tinted glasses were on and I forgot about all the bad things. He also had a mental health breakdown and I had pressure from his family to ‘look after him’. But now things are not great again and I need to understand how my feelings helped to sabotage things before. I didn’t understand about the process of grieving for that relationship that we have to go through. I couldn’t handle the really sad down days where I missed him and didn’t understand that I needed to work through this process. It’s so tough but part of me envy’s you guys for making that move to leave.

[Sungirl]

Yes I have experienced this I believe it’s called hoovering. Look up the Cycle of Abuse, and FOG (Fear, Obligation ,Guilt). It’s part of emotional abuse and makes us confused as we then start to question how we feel and question their behaviour as now they’re being so nice. It’s awful. The more you learn though the more you will notice these things. Start to take note and understand what is going on. My husband is very manipulative and it took me a long time to understand and see the pattern of behaviours

[Sungirl]

Focus on yourself and what you need to do and get done for you and the kids. Try and spend a little time doing something you enjoy, I often leave the house and do a 20 minute walk, listen to music or a podcast. The silent treatment is so painful and I have spent so long trying to discuss and resolve things. With my husband though we just end up going round in circles having the same argument as he just wants it his way and I’m always wrong. Focus on yourself, build yourself up and try and forget about what he’s doing .

[Sungirl]

Try and stay strong and don’t get sucked back in. Accept the process of moving on will be painful. I wasn’t able to do that and I’m back with my husband and I wish I had been stronger. Focus on yourself, spend time with your friends and family, do things you enjoy.

[Sungirl]

I’m so glad I came across this post I’m feeling exactly the same way. Have separated from my husband (detailed removed by Moderator) times before, and yet have needed up back together. I just spent so long thinking I could change/help him it’s so frustrating. He’s less
abusive (emotional) now but still it is there and he is becoming more controlling with the kids. I just can’t get myself to a place where I can leave. I don’t want to leave myself but maybe I should, just take the kids and go somewhere. It all consumes so much of my brain power and time, I’m so fed up of it but I just can’t find a way to move forwards. He now says things are my fault, I’m always questioning and undermining him, he knows best blah blah blah. It’s so frustrating!

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