Amethyst15

[Amethyst15]

Hello finkle- just read this and your other post. Definitely abuse and agree with daisy, the anxiety is caused by our abusers constantly playing on our emotions and twisting and turning us around. Know well that feeling of not wanting to go home. Stayed with my abuser a very long time but now out and still working through recovery. Long road and this is early days for you. So pleased you have a sister to rely on. Follow your gut instinct and cut contact to minimum. It’s the only way to break free of abusers. Keep posting and take care x

[Amethyst15]

Hi East and others who’ve posted on this thread. Yes totally relate to experiences after decades with my ex, the experience of which is uncannily similar but since leaving I’ve realised the extent of the abuse and how abusers work to type, so not uncanny at all! Like you lived with stress and anxiety for years and thought it was me. Didn’t call what the ex was doing abuse but now know it for what it is. Like you East, family illness brought us back after me moving away. Tactics returned and with it the depression of feeling powerless and trapped. Only way forward is to cut contact(if not totally as minimal as possible). Situation will not change otherwise- you will be to blame and he will claim victim. You will only start to heal when he is out of your day-to-day. I left it way too long because I was terrified of being totally on my own, I’d been conditioned and programmed to believe he was everything. He’s not and I’m still here. It’s been hard but all the pain has been worth it and you deserve to live a peaceful, fulfilling life x keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Heartbreaking Sugar, that you have suffered so much. Please contact your gp. Like you, I thought if I go I’ll break down and then what will happen but it was the start of me owning up to the abuse and where I was at. I needed medication to help with the extreme anxiety but my gp couldn’t have been more understanding. You truly need care and support and it can be there for you so I hope you can take this next step. Sending you a massive hug x

[Amethyst15]

Yes serenity and all those who have posted,
It is incredibly sad to realise that children are used as a weapon or lever in our abuser’s world. When I think of my ex, I wonder how much genuine love he has for his children. Each of the children have voted to keep their father at no or minimal contact. My youngest has just opened a channel of communication after a period of no contact. Ex uses push/ pull tactics all the time. Everyone in contact with him is put on a merry go round. The children have wised up because they are adult and can see through the games and manipulation. Ex always said to me ‘your trouble is…(.always the same preface) you put the children first’ He always resented that and constantly created trouble to cause friction between family members. But, he has ultimately suffered because the kids keep him at a distance. At least our relationships with our children are genuine and loving and fulfilling. Abusers can’t have that because it would mean they are not centre of attention or calling the shots. It’s control not love they get a kick out of and kids see through the act eventually.

[Amethyst15]

Sugar,
I’m positive you will get ladies posting who will identify with your situation with children and social services and that might clear up a few fears you have ‘re the reporting to the police. As for your confidence and self esteem, it is not surprising you feel alone and isolated. Use the helpline to find out what support is out there. I used my gp who was great but I missed out on specialist DV support and you need to be able to talk to someone who understands the trauma you’ve been under. To survive what you have takes courage and resilience, you are stronger than you think you are. I hope you can reconnect with some friends so you feel less alone. As you gain advice and support you can begin to rebuild slowly but surely. Hoping for a better future for you x

[Amethyst15]

Yes foggy – this has been too much to deal with, no wonder you are under a crisis team. I had some very dark moments too and it was the scariest time of my life and I consider myself a strong person. But, the rug has been pulled from under you with no warning. It’s not surprising you are suffering. People gave me the advice of being kind and patient with yourself, self-love, it’s easy to neglect yourself in this stage. I also have my adult daughters to thank for being massive supporters of me and it sounds like you have a loving relationship to gain strength from. Don’t be hard on yourself, these early weeks and months are massive in terms of adjustments to your everyday reality and I know that extreme anxiety and how debilitating it is. Take good care of yourself – in time it will get easier(didn’t believe it in the early days) but it takes a lot of help and support and you are going through it at the moment. Thankfully sounds like you’ve got a responsive medical team to help you x

[Amethyst15]

Hello Foggy,
Yes it is total frustration and confusion with these abusers. We give everything we have; turn ourselves inside out to fit their demands and then finally we are left looking at the wreckage feeling our lives have been torn apart as they move on for their next fix. I think many of us will identity with the discard tactics and it hurts like hell! I remember well the early days of separation and I felt like I was losing my mind. I did need help from the gp and counselling. It takes a lot of therapy and support to make sense of it all. Also, there could be local support available via the helpline so do give them a ring. I’m not going to lie, it is a long road back to recovery after the abuse but every step you take in the right direction is building towards a future abuse free and you so deserve that. Keep posting because the ladies on here are a fantastic support and offer lots of practical help. 2016 will be the year I need to take that final step to divorce so I can appreciate where you are coming from. What I do now is pour the energy it took keeping him happy into planning a better future without his mind games and controlling abuse. I wish you a better future, too x

[Amethyst15]

Hello Sugar,
So sorry to read about this extreme and horrendous abuse. It is truly shocking.You are a very strong lady to have survived so far so when you ask for strength believe me when I say you have it. Yes our hearts want to believe that our love can change these abusers but you have tried to reconcile as any loving person would and you have found yourself in a very dangerous situation . Please report this to the police and get some protection from his return. You have a right to live peacefully and you want to provide a peaceful home for your children because you are a caring, responsible parent. As Tamra has said, ring the helpline as soon as possible too and get advice and support. Others will post advice, too. You have suffered a great deal and my heart goes out to you x

[Amethyst15]

Thanks so much blue eyes and tamra,
Your words have really helped me today. Good to get perspective and not sink back into their view as the only view which after years of control is so easy to do. Blue eyes, your last post is really getting me back on my feet again, we can’t change them and we know their lives are built on games and lies. Yes it hurts like hell but every bit of pain moves me along the road to healing. Can’t go round, under or over just got to keepp walking through! What we are building is solid and that take time. Wishing some peace for all of us x

[Amethyst15]

Yes blue eyes – like that idea ‘some people are our lessons in life and some our blessings.’ Will hold that thought. Also, only a few days ago the ex was rambling on about missing the family for Christmas( blah blah doesn’t contact us only when it suits his schedule with his girlfriend) and I said exactly the same to him that the mask will slip and he can’t keep up his pretences forever. For once, he showed some sense of agreeing but he’ll go back to the usual bluff and bravado. Best thing to happen now is me blocking him for the long term and I know that’s what most of us ladies are working hard to do. The forum gives me so much support and resolve and I know you will find that too x

[Amethyst15]

Hi White Rose,
Totally understand where you are coming from! The climb up from coupledom to singleton is hard enough but add an abuser into the mix and it is doubly hard as we build up self esteem and attempt to reclaim lives more often than not kept isolated and friendships disapproved. Keep making the contact with friends, it’s easy to take things personally when we feel at a low ebb but as has been pointed out people just get busy. You are getting out and about and where possible continue to widen your circle of friends and acquaintances via activities. If you need a little support from antidepressants I say not a problem as we all heal at different paces and in different ways. You are stronger than you think and I hope things start to pick up for you x keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Second the no contact. My ex turned up on Christmas eve out of the blue bearing cards to me and his adult children. Never bothered in the past, just another tactic to worm his way in. First family Christmas without him so was always going to be hard but he just had to get inside of our heads. So full of themselves…grrrr. not content with spending Christmas with his girlfriend and using our joint home to do it!! Yes falling skys ‘abuse toy’ exactly that. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be free of him. We’ve got to keep remembering we have more strength; more care; more everything than these pathetic excuses who we had the misfortune to love x

[Amethyst15]

Thanks for your input Tamra, struggling myself at the moment- think Christmas is so hard for us whatever stage of break up from an abuser. These abusers never leave us alone, constantly changing tactics and mood to keep us confused. Like you was with mine for decades and he continues to manipulate, trick and push/pull. Have to keep remembering no contact- there for a reason- but the ex is so crafty and subversive. Got to keep strong and hoping we can all look forward with some renewed self-belief that we are survivors not victims! Welcome to blue eyes – you are in good company on the forum with a lot of great advice given. Keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Hello lots of love and tittlemouse,
Welcome to the forum where you will get lots of support and understanding. You have both been through such a lot and it makes me despair of how vile abusers can be. But, on a positive you are both survivors and you will with love, care and support gain a happier future abuse free. It’s a rocky road to recovery with many twists and turns. We are all at different stages of that recovery but wherever we are we help each other. You will find someone will empathise with where you are and give emotional and practical support so keep posting and keep going. It’s the first of many baby steps and we’ll walk with you x

[Amethyst15]

Hi In need,
Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know in the early days i felt exactly like you and still have some major wobbles,

[Amethyst15]

Hi Tamra,
Sounds like the usual chaos and confusion abusers engender. As i was reading through your post i was very much aware of my ex holding similar attitudes and views. They want us as the ‘little women at home’ whilst at the same time not wanting full responsibility to financially support it. You can’t win and although you tried to adapt and modify to ‘fit’ his vision it was never enough and never would be. My ex even says now ‘you’re too independent. I don’t want any of you clever women’-it’s all about control and he lost that when you got a career and started having a different life view. All of his tactics are about gaining control and putting you in a spin. You deserve better than all of that and there will be someone out there who can appreciate your intelligence and management skills not this oaf who seems to favour style over substance. As you move further away from him emotionally you’ll wonder how you put up with his demands for so long. The reason is because you are strong and resilient- qualities that will make your future successful. Take care and keep posting x

[Amethyst15]

Hi there,
Well done for posting and reading through definitely abuse and that old chestnut ‘too sensitive’ when you try to tackle the abusive put downs. Your last post is more worrying as he is showing some veiled aggression which may escalate. I suffered years of control and manipulation and my ex was very aggressive if things didn’t go his way. The situation with your ex won’t get better – they rarely change(read ‘why does he do that’ lundy bancroft – an eye opener if you are questioning if it’s abuse). It is very hard to think straight when you are constantly subjected to abuse. The helpline can advise you of local support which, in turn, will give you a chance to speak to someone about what’s been happening and what you can do about it.
Keep posting as the ladies on here can really relate to uour experiences and that in itself is a comfort that you are not alone x

[Amethyst15]

Hi Hopesprings,
Can see you’ve had some responses and good advice. Just to reassure you that what you are experiencing is just another typical tactic from an abuser to get a reaction from you.That is very difficult to resist but at least you’ve recognised it. It is so difficult when you are still ‘bonded’ to someone to totally shut off but that’s exactly what you need to do. I would say a large majority of us ladies have struggled to achieve no contact but, when you do,the healing process can truly start. As it is, you are subject to his warped mind games and the reward of no contact is to be free of this drain on your well-being. Keep going and keep strong- a better life awaits you x

[Amethyst15]

Yes Christmas is very hard so i think we can all relate to the feelings of memories and being on our own now but we can also remember how our exes always managed to spoil the festivities. This year first year without the ex coming round and us all pretending we are still a family unit. Instead, my children are cooking dinner for me. That’s a new tradition and we’ll do our best with the day, in our own little quiet way, nothing major. Of course, the ex is trying to muscle in as he has always done. Totally ruined Christmas last year and i said to myself that’s the last Christmas you’ll do that and i have no intention of letting him come anywhere near.He’s trouble and he always has been. Keep strong ladies and let’s hope for a brighter future 🙂

[Amethyst15]

Hi Tamra,
The weeks, even months, after leaving are very tough indeed. All sorts of emotions come jumping out at you like a grieving process for what was and never can be as well as lost hopes and dreams. Leaving an abusive relationship is harder still because of the trauma bonding and control/manipulation so i really feel for you at this stage. It’s horrible and confusing. Your ex will try tricks to get contact so sadly this is normal but his motivations are not ‘normal’ He is losing control and wants it back and that normally involves coercing people wbo are close to us to find out information/make contact. Best advice – where possible is no contact/no responses. It is very hard to do that and i hope you can get support to do it. Womensaid helpline can let you know of services locally. Also, your GP if you are struggling. Hope things get better for you x

[Amethyst15]

Hello East 17,
Just reading through your post brought back so many memories of a similar situation i was in. I left my family home after years of abuse taking my girls with me and not much else. Started from scratch but ex never really let me go and when i was faced with a similar situation to you(daughter very ill) i thought why fight this alone and ex moved in with us. Eventually the tactics returned and he was back to his old ways and i asked him to leave. That was a number of years ago but he has been ‘attached’to us ever since and it is only in the last year that i have been able to say that’s it and really attempt to break free. I never put the stress i suffered every day down to the ex and his total disregard for normal boundaries and behaviour. Just thought after all the years of ups and downs of life, i was just one of those people who struggled with the everyday pressures -now i know different. For your health(physical and mental) i hope you can find the strength to leave your partner. I tried to play ‘happy families’ but i knew deep down i was only living half a life and having time away has made me realise that i’ve got to move on- he’s had enough of my life. Hope you can move on too! Yes it is hard but it’s like i’m finally dealing with it after years of denial X

[Amethyst15]

Hi Falling Skys,
Glad to see you got through to the site, I also felt lost without the support. Made me realise how much i relied on the posts and replies to help through the wobbles and anxiety. Hopefully now you can post you’ll feel less alone in the struggles with the fallout post abuse. When our children display traits they’ve witnessed in our ex’s ‘standard’ responses it can be really distressing. Hope as you move away from the abuse from ex your son’s behaviour will improve. I know as my self-esteem grew, and with a more mature way of dealing with things(ex’s way was always to shout, swear and slam around), i was able to set boundaries and talk things through with my children. Life at home is a lot more peaceful generally but if we have an argument it’s sorted out with a lot more respect for feelings. It takes a lot of time and patience because all the family have suffered at an abuser’s hands. Is there someone close family or friend who can help you? You so deserve respect from your child. Unfortunately it’s usually us that gets the brunt of their off-loading, never the real villain.Might take some tough love because you don’t deserve this. Keep posting x

[Amethyst15]

Hi Ddub,
Posting to give you some support. I really feel for you. Your ex is the lowest of the low but the sad thing is it doesn’t surprise me just how base they can be. To use your child in this way is pure cruelty to both of you. No doubt the ordering of the sale of the house is behind it. Losing control so he raises his ugly tactics. Lisa has given you some good advice re contacts and as she says the truth will out. These abusers can’t keep up the mask of respectability- it will slip, something will give him away. It must be the hardest thing for you to keep going but you sound a very strong lady indeed. My children are grown up now but the ex would love to manipulate us all under his control. The kids have walked away from him. Justice has been served and i know this doesn’t help right now but in the fullness of time you will be free of this awful excuse of a father. I’m hoping one of the ladies can offer you some practical support but i just wanted you to know we are here for you x

[Amethyst15]

Hi Moon,
Just sending you a virtual hug – you are coping with a lot at the moment and i feel for you. Sounds like you need to get a plan in place to leave this man sooner rather than later as he sounds dangerous. Ring the helpline for advice and support.It really worries me that you say your next injury you ‘may not survive’. You shouldn’t have to live with this fear. I hope you can start looking to that safe future as soon as possible and, when you feel strong enough, as you and your daughter deserve to live abuse free.I wish i could offer more practical advice but i’m certain you will get that from other ladies on here. Keep going because you’ve done really well to post and actually setting our experience ‘down on paper’ really can keep us focused on escaping for a new life. These abusers are very good at turning on the nice guy switch to deflect attention from them. Hope there are better days out there for you x

[Amethyst15]

Hi Polly,
I imagine that this happens quite a lot more than we realise. Abusers manipulate us and play games as standard. They are also masters of coercion. I’ve been in your shoes where the ex has talked me into something only for me to walk away the next day and feel right back to square one and under his power. This leads to feelings of despair and wondering if you’ll ever be free. Yes it’s a setback but you can start back on the road today. You don’t have to live with this abuser. Regroup and get your strength. You need to cut contact so he can’t work his way round you. Abusers can do that as easy as breathing. Hope you can be strong and start again x

[Amethyst15]

Absolutely echo this unity – back on the forum and i’ve realised how much i’ve come to.depend on the posts and replies for my own recovery. It’s felt a very lonely few days. Made me realise i’m not as secure as i thought- been having a bit of a wobble.So glad to be back:)

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