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Thank you, yes I tried to do everything amicably last time and he wouldn’t budge so had to change the locks etc. without him expecting it and I’m basically back at square 1 and wondering what its going to take for me to stick to my guns and stop letting him back in.

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Thanks everyone, I’m not feeling quite so bleak today. It’s so nice to be able to come and here get support and not feel judged. x

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If you want to go abroad then unfortunately you either need permission from him or from the court. If you already have a child arrangements order (also known as residency order) you may want to double check it as a lot of them have a standard clause that say the resident parent can take a child abroad for up to 28 days without permission of the non-resident parent. If not then when going through court make sure you mention you would like this added. Good luck! x

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It doesn’t matter how clear you were, he still wouldn’t have understood it because he doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong or “that bad”. He’s belittling the abuse to you and banking on you feeling guilty to take control of you again.

For you to pack your bags at midnight and leave things must’ve been bad, just hold onto that thought. You definitely did the RIGHT thing not telling him you were going. Doing so may have put you in and your children in danger of further/worse abuse. Just keep reminding yourself that everything he does is towards his own goal. x

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Stay strong, you’re doing SO well.

I would be inclined to think that yes, he has done this to someone else, which is even more confirmation that you’re doing the right thing!. Keep posting, we’re all here for you. x

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You’ve hit the nail on the head – its absolutely is a tactic. He may well be in a bad place right now, but that’s because he’s lost control of you. He and his mental health are NOT your responsibility. You do not owe him anything. My advice is not to get involved and just block him from contacting you. Stay strong love x

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Absolutely do not give in – that’s what he wants! Block him if you can. He is not your responsibility. You’re doing well, stay strong and carry on with no contact, it’s the only way you will heal. xx

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Just an update, I’ve had my meeting with school and the SW, they were so much more supportive than last time. Different SW who is specially trained in Domestic Abuse. I was really worried about the summer holidays coming up and ex wanting more contact with our daughter but school and sw agree that that’s not a good idea and they are going to call a meeting with him to “tell” him that contact will stay at the current arrangement even over summer. So glad I have them for support. They’ve also referred me to a “(detail removed by moderator) programme” which I think is similar to the freedom programme.

I have drafted the e-mail to tell him not to contact me at all and just waiting for it to be read over before I send it to him, I will then log all communication he tries to have with me.

My main worry now is his reaction me going minimal contact with him and his reaction being “told” when he will see HIS daughter. xx

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This is lovely news, well done!!

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Thanks all, I have ordered a second phone for the sole purpose of my daughter talking to her Dad. I will put parental controls on it and it will only have his number on it. I will be in possession of it but if/when she asks to talk to him I will allow her to. he will be completely blocked from my phone so when I’m at work or not with my daughter I don’t even have to know if he’s tried to contact me.

I’m seeing the SW at school very soon so will be able to get a better plan of action for pick up and drops offs.

The hardest part is the “friendliness” we currently have will be gone and things will likely turn quite nasty as in the way he will talk about me to/in front of my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I hate him and would NEVER want to be with him again, but as someone to chat to I think I will miss that, it’s hard to admit that. I guess I just need to try and re-ignite friendships from a past life and talk to my family more.

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Thank you KIP and fizzylem. I hadn’t looked at it from the point of view that he is alienating me, I just feel like I can’t live up to him so it’s good to get another perspective.

His latest now, which makes me think you may be right KIP (about wanting the benefits) is that he wants us to “pretend” to disagree about how much he sees our daughter so that we can “go to court” and he can be granted a legally binding document that states she stays with him (Detail removed by Moderator) nights a week. I think he thinks its as easy as just rocking up to court and saying what he wants and me going “ok then” and him being given a document to say he sees her half the week! He wants to do this to increase his chance of being “given” a house with a garden (deluded I know) as someone (probably his cousin) has told him that it will increase his chances.

Aaanyway, I’m strongly leaning towards the no contact thing, only trouble is I don’t have anyone who can do pick ups and drop offs so I’m going to speak to the SW about it and maybe use a contact centre if at all possible. My main issue is that I feel like I’m massively over-reacting by going no contact, but its’ the chipping away at me he does, like to anyone on the outside you would think we get on really well.

Also, he was overheard on the phone in the playground at school talking about me in a nasty way “using horrid words like the C word” and saying he wasn’t going to sign the letter for me to take my daughter away on holiday etc. This is the side of him I don’t see and that I don’t like the idea of as he is potentially saying things like this in front of our daughter.

Sorry another long post, just writing things out to help me process. I think I’m going to stop contact, will bide my time and do it when I’ve got everything in place but I think it’s the only way forward.

Thanks again for talking it through with me and giving you perspectives. xxx

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Thanks KIP, I do have family who can look after her for me and they are happy to do so, I’m also going to look at a summer club maybe one day a week so she doesn’t get bored.

Sorry to hear about your Son.

He doesn’t work because he doesn’t have the right attitude towards work or finding a job. He just can’t be bothered, he’s not qualified to do anything, he’s been fired from every job he’s ever had because of his attitude towards authority etc. He lives in a (Detail removed by Moderator)bedroom flat paid for by housing benefit (nothing wrong with this if there’s a good reason for it) and gets his money from Job Seeker’s. He also works for cash occasionally on weekends as (Detail removed by Moderator). He is currently trying to fight to be “given” a (Detail removed by Moderator) bedroom house with a garden because he doesn’t think it’s fair that i have a house with a garden when he’s just in a flat (I work full time and bought my own house and work hard to keep it). Anyway I digress. This is part of the worry of my daughter’s behaviour – her sense of entitlement, her “I can do what I want” attitude.

I will definitely give the NSPCC a call and seek their advice, hoping the social worker and my upcoming parenting course will help too. The hardest part is seeing her upset because she loves him so much and wants to see him every day. While i KNOW this isn’t what’s best for her, she doesn’t understand that.

Thanks again for replying. x

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Just to add, I’m 90% sure that unless you inform people that they are being recorded it’s not evidence that can be used in court. I could be wrong about that so you may want to check with someone qualified.

I agree with the others, get the injunction, get him removed by police, you need to do it the safest way possible.

Good luck and stay safe xxx

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Firstly and most importantly WELL DONE for getting out! That must’ve been so hard, leaving your job as well.

Do not give him any money, or speak to him at all, you have no reason, you don’t owe him anything. He’s taken enough of your life away from you. Report any attempts at contacting you to the police and keep all evidence (screen shot missed calls so that you have a log), call the police on the non emergency number 101 and log it. If he carries on trying to contact you in any way then you should be able to apply for an order to prevent this. Give Women’s Aid and/or Rights of Women a call who can further advise you on this. Hope this helps a little bit.

You’ve made the first step to recovery, stay strong. xxx

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Why would you think he had hit you if he hadn’t? I don’t mean that to sound offensive, I mean, there’s a reason that you think he hit you – and that’s because he DID. Look up gaslighting, abusers often pretend like nothing happened as a way to make you feel like you’re going crazy. x

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Thanks so much everyone!

freedomtochoose well done on the strimmer. My next daunting task is to cut the grass myself, I’ve never done it, ever. I haven’t done it this year yet and it’s over grown so will probably need a good bit of going over. I’ll let you know how that goes :). I take strength from everyone here and in other supportive areas of my life. xxx

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Chances are honey she already knows, as in she has guessed, having been through it herself and being your Mum.

Like others said, be honest with her, tell her you’re out of it and safe now. She will understand, and she will understand why you didn’t tell her sooner because she’s been there, she was you, so she knows.

Well done for getting out! xxx

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That’s a good way of looking at it thank you. x

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Thanks maddog, I’m hoping she may just see it as another parenting course as he knows we’ve been on one of those. x

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It’s so lovely to hear that even though your experience was terrible it has brought you closer to your friends. Also, well done on removing yourself from a triggering situation, it was obviously an oversight/ lack of knowledge on the part of the charity.

x

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I’m so sorry you are being treated this way! It is most definitely not you. We’ve all made questionable choices in the past but mostly our family stands by us and helps to pick us up and dust us off.

I don’t have any proper advice for you I’m afraid, apart from to call the helpline as soon as possible. Good luck I hope you get the help you need and deserve. *hugs* x

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Thanks Baking Queen – there’s no order in place. I’ve tried talking to her but she can’t or won’t tell me a reason she just says she doesn’t know. She’s very young (Detail removed by moderator) and she struggles dealing with her emotions as it is. I want her to feel listened to and like I will take care of her, but at the same time I don’t want to be accused of alienating her from her Dad, especially if he did decide to go down the court route if I were say she doesn’t have to see him.

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I agree, you need to get him out in one swift movement – no pre-warning. I tried the pre-warning and giving notice a few times and it never worked, he never left. My final straw was to just wait until he’s out and change the locks.

I also was making him homeless (he’s not from a foreign country though) and I had huge guilt about this, but I had to put it aside and thanks to this forum and other help from Women’s Aid I came to understand that he was not my responsibility, he’s the same age as me and can’t stand on his own two feet – that’s on him and his upbringing, not me.

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If the property is in your sole name you could flee and then have police remove him, or wait until he’s not there and change the lock (this is what I did but I own my property) then call police if he tries to come back in the house. If the house is in joint names then it’s still possible but you will need to get some legal advice on the best action to take. These are all things that WA and Rights of Women could help you with.

You are NOT pathetic – I’m a mum too and I have a successful job and own my own home and in all other areas of my life I’m strong and independent. It can happen to any of us and we all need a little help. x

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I understand what you mean. Your thoughts will settle eventually and you’ll be able to think clearly and logically and make a plan. Good luck and keep us updated on how things go. x

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He is NOT your responsibility, he is a grown man no matter what country he is in. He is fully aware of his actions and the way he is treating you is appalling. Please try to speak to Women’s Aid when you can, they can go through your personal circumstances and help you make a plan, you need to be away from this “man”. x

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Oh flyflyaway this sounds awful! You’ve done the right thing in reaching out for help. Try to give Women’s Aid a call when you can talk things through with them, they’ll help you come up with a plan.

I don’t have an awful lot of advice, but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and this forum is amazing for advice and as a sounding board. Keep posting. *hugs* x

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Chickadee – since this post I have made some progress in that I have said no to him staying over and he sulked and threw his toys out of the pram but the difference now is I DON’T CARE! He can sulk and try to guilt trip and intimidate me all he wants but I literally could not care less – he is his own worst enemy.

WRT to contact with my little girl a second phone may well be a good idea. I can set times for him to speak to her, the only thing is – she often loses interest (or doesn’t have any to begin with) as she is busy playing or watching TV and then I am brought into the conversation because our daughter isn’t interested in speaking to him. Not sure how this would work with just answering and giving her the phone as she’d probably just place the phone on the floor and carry on about her day lol.

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This sounds pretty similar to my situation – when my daughter was born he didn’t specifically tell my family to keep away but he made it VERY clear that he didn’t want them around. When they visited he would take our daughter and stand in the corner of the room with her out of the way so no one could actually see her/hold her and if they called/texted he would glare at me and/or shout at me for not paying attention to being a mum and told my family were interfering. I wasn’t allowed to pick her up etc. I also fell pregnant very quickly after meeting him and he moved in with me as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He’s never worked apart from the odd few cash in hand jobs here and there and was so possessive over our daughter. Things have gotten better since I stood up to him – he’s just a big child himself and used guilt and sulking/intimidation to control me.

Massive WELL DONE on getting your own house and having a good job – another similarity we have. The fact I’m successful in almost all other areas of my life just made me feel more at fault for the way I “let” him treat me and our daughter.

I just wanted to give you a positive to story to read so that you’re not reading all the sad ones. You should also look at yourself as positive inspiration for others who are trying to break away, you’ve done it, you’re here to tell the tale! I think each positive story gives women hope that there is a light at the end of it all. x

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This is what im starting to realise – if he doesn’t get his way he just sulks – even if it’s his young daughter he is sulking with. He stormed off recently because she was refusing to get out of the car to go and see him.

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