Bananaboat

[Bananaboat]

Initially I thought about leaving, then I started saying it in arguments but he’d not believe me or it’d be forgotten the next day, then it became when I said it it would start to get longer silent periods in response and I’d think it’s sticking but ultimately cave, until one day I said it and made it stick. It’s like we have to try everything, give them every chance before we give ourselves permission to go. I can’t say what’s right for you, the key things though are number one – be safe! And second, remember you have a choice so if you cave in and stay it’s ok you can change your mind and go at any point – abusers make us forget we have that choice. Look up FOG too (fear, obligation and guilt). As others have said, the more you learn -> the more you see -> the more you accept you have to leave x

[Bananaboat]

Huge well done! It’s not normal no but they like to make us feel it is, they say oh we don’t argue as much as someone else they know etc, but you’re right not to accept it. Your home, your partner should be your safe place, not somewhere you fear or walk on eggshells. Look into FOG, fear, obligation and guilt as it’s very real and expect ups and downs over the first few days & weeks. You’re grieving and standard break ups are tough enough, let alone all the free extras we endure. x

[Bananaboat]

Just wanted to say hello and encourage you to post on here, you’re not alone ❤️ I watched my mum caring and it’s so so hard, isolation is very common in those circumstances even without the abuse on top! It helps to find something that’s yours if you can, that might be reading a book, baking or 10 mins in the garden, might sound daft but these moments help your mind so much. A little escape in the hellhole. Don’t give up, listen to Lisa. x

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, you deserve so much better than this. You found the strength to leave before that means you can do it again, you’re not forced to stay because you gave him another chance. There’s no excuse for any kind of abuse, and alcohol doesn’t excuse hurting you. If anything, think of the nights you maybe went out and got drunk, waking up with gaps, god I was so embarrassed and worried if someone had said I’d hurt them I’d be apologetic asking how to help etc, but that’s not how abuses function – they blame us. Your partner sounds dangerous so please stay safe and seek help, you don’t have to live like this x

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes, pesky brain. I’ll never go back there but yes, there are days I miss him. Often it’s not him necessarily I miss but ‘someone’ to share something with and obviously he was the last person I cared for so my mind thinks of him. I think it’s normal and it does fade. Tomorrow or the day after you’ll hate it again, it’s a rollercoaster for the mind & soul 🙂 x

[Bananaboat]

I’m a little less time out than you, not much and I get what you’re saying. My brain thinks of things daily, multiple times. I look at his life and get angry. My brain is quieter than when I first left but it still feels fresh at times, fuzzy and I’m definitely still recovering. Meanwhile he’s in a new place, new life, supposedly happy.

But here’s the thing he’s not happy and never will be. They just rinse and repeat with a new person, until that one finds the strength to leave and so on. Think of this is a long game, you, me and other survivors are recovering, discovering who we are and growing into different versions of us. Meanwhile he’s playing make believe. He’s stuck a plaster over a gaping wound which will fall off whilst we’re healing, going through rehab or physio for our minds and learning to live with the scars. Hang in there, one day you’ll just notice you’re smiling or your brain is quieter. You got this xxx

[Bananaboat]

Amazing! Enjoy that feeling, it’s such a good feeling when you notice this stuff. Not buying alcohol is one of mine too – how expensive is that and we used to do it for them without thinking, the other is getting up slowly, lounging around in our pjs! He’d force us to get up & dressed the second he was awake even if he was going out & kids were off. Good luck with the painting 🙂

[Bananaboat]

As Lisa says, just because they’re alcoholic or drug abusers does not excuse the abuse. Like you I begged and prayed that giving up the substances would give me that dreamy version of him permanently but it never did, the good times never lasted. They abuse because it’s linked to their own deep rooted problems. They also don’t accept they have a problem and can quit drinking / drugs anytime, those delusions of grandeur again 😢

[Bananaboat]

Can you share tips on dealing with the parent who blows hot & cold. The ones that see the child for a few weeks (especially if there’s a new supply on the scene or a family event to impress at) but then happily cancels a lot of the other weeks or sees the child for bare minimum time leaving the child feeling rejected? I know they figure it out longterm but any tips for the here & now?

[Bananaboat]

Because he has to ‘win’. Your son felt safe enough to tell you all this and show his emotions, that’s a good thing. Parenting with one of these is tough. Your ex is unlikely to listen and probably enjoy the drama if you try to talk to him about it – how about just setting clear boundaries for your kids whilst they’re at yours? At least then you know 50% of the time he’s not playing that game? Or if you’re really strong about not playing the game maybe say the school say kids can’t play it – then it’s not your idea. I know it’s not ideal but you got to manage what you can, and you can’t change him x

[Bananaboat]

You know how when people give up smoking, they crave a cigarette even though they know it’s bad for them or tastes bad etc. Why – because their body is addicted. They also know the social cues like going outside for a fag in the pub and having a chat – then struggle what to do with their hands or hate being stuck at the table instead. This is because of learned behaviour and muscle memory.

Same here – you body gets addicted to the chemicals released in the highs/lows. You know how to act or ‘behave’ when he’s around. By breaking up you’ve got to break the trauma bond, turn off the cognitive dissonance which is telling your brain it wasn’t that bad, detox the chemical addiction and learn new ways including who on earth we are & what we like doing. That’s A LOT and change is scary, so it’s no wonder that we crave the known, the preserved ‘safety’. That’s why learning about abuse, rereading journals/posts, revisiting photos of days out that weren’t so smiley behind the camera help to keep reminding your body and mind why you left. This stage is exhausting and you can feel your brain battling itself but it’s normal and does slow down / pass.

I saw a post online today that said something like ‘we don’t accept how bad things really were until we start reliving our story by telling others what happened’ and I thought yeah there’s truth in that x

[Bananaboat]

Have you read ‘Why does he do that’ y Lundy Bancroft? Even the small stuff has meaning.

Sadly we’re here to feed into their imaginary image of a relationship but god forbid we have a view or our own needs. The hours spent analysing stuff like this is common but you’ll never figure it out as hell just keep moving the goalposts 🙁

[Bananaboat]

My advice would be to live separately as possible. Cook meals for you & kids if you have them, wash your own clothes, have your own bedtime & routine, have times out without him. It feels wrong but it helps to set the boundary we’re not together. He’ll expect things to carry on as normal, at least the parts that benefit him. As already said, don’t believe a word he says about leaving. They lie. Be prepared for every version of him – nice, nasty & everything in between while he tantrums and tries to keep you. It’s like living in limbo so look after yourself x

[Bananaboat]

That’s so hard for you, I hope you’re doing ok this evening? I found overtime my sadness of what was lost or could’ve been faded into anger towards him, and myself for ending up here. Then slowly replaced with a new reality. There’s still certain places, smells, sounds etc that trigger me and it’s ok to feel sad – it’s still grief from a breakup. It’s also ok to treasure the good times, it wasn’t all bad but remind yourself that happy ever after would never have happened no matter how hard you tried. So be kind to yourself tonight xx

[Bananaboat]

Good advice TS thank you ❤️

Yes saying no is a big one too, see that in my eldest. I’ve found it makes their relationships with friends different too, so unfair on them

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