Bananaboat

[Bananaboat]

Well done!!!

he’s fishing, he wants you to contact him with a message, so don’t bite. If he cares about your friendship he can ask if you’re ok or anything is wrong can’t he (although beware as that would also hook you back in).

[Bananaboat]

Do you want to carry on going to the group? If the answer is yes then go! Remember these people are bullies, don’t let them win. Just focus on talking to others and set a clear boundary you’re not engaging today. Sadly you know how they play their games better than most so think what do YOU want and do that x

[Bananaboat]

My therapist once said, being empathetic can be you projecting how you’d want to be treated in that situation and often stems from the child you not getting the support he/she needed. So now you feel for others because you know what it feels like to not be cared for. That stung but when someone treats us badly we overlook that and say well they’ve worked hard, had a tough time with family etc. I don’t know if this applies to you but could be partly what’s happening, but also they know what buttons to press to manipulate us – so playing the victim gets our sympathy I a trump card to them, throw in the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance and it’s a fun old bundle of what we do all this. X

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely I can hear the worry in your words.

Think, what are his words making you do – make you think it’s better to stay so you don’t lose your son. It’s a tactic, a blooming mean one.

My ex played these games, tried to say I was a bad mum, accused me of hitting him or starting arguments, of drinking, of being mentally unstable etc etc and it’s abuse so of course it seeps in and you’re scared. What helped me was keeping a journal or secret notes. That also helped me see the patterns. If you can safely record any of the attacks or at least learn when to stop reacting and walk away, because one of their big tactics is reactive abuse. You explode after being poked and they go ‘see you are x,y,z’ but it’s all a game to them. Reach out to woman’s aid, give your local social services a call or seek some free legal advice. It’s hard when you’re living it but you soon learn that you’re actually the exact opposite of their nasty words and their rubbish words are actually about them (he’s the bad parent, the drunk etc).

Focus on getting out as that’s the best thing for you and your baby, but stay safe x

[Bananaboat]

It can be yes, especially if you don’t find it funny and he carries on, then he says things like you can’t take a joke. My ex would do most of things on your list especially the (object removed by Moderator) as if that was a sign of affection. I think Lundy Bancroft covers jokes that aren’t jokes it in his book from memory. But like everything in abuse it’s about denying your self esteem and asserting their control.

[Bananaboat]

what a strange thing to say to another human, as if that in anyway justifies his behaviour?! I didn’t murder anyone today but that doesn’t give me the ok to kill my neighbour tomorrow does it…

Sounds like he wants to make you feel bad, and remember he has to be the victim so will probably be twisting the story. You didn’t cause this, you didn’t deserve being hit and anyone who believes his version that you somehow caused it is NOT your person. Counselling can help with this x

[Bananaboat]

Because they’re clever and manipulate our minds. If he was that nasty version all the time you’d find it easy to walk away wouldn’t you – which is where the super nice act comes in because that’s what keeps you hooked. As you say it’s not the drugs and alcohol doing this to him, he’s choosing to attack you – the nice stuff is the fake him. Have you looked into the freedom programme?

[Bananaboat]

Just wanted to say you’re not alone. Although mine is primary school age he’s been picked up as showing emotional dysregulated behaviour linked to trauma living in dv. I’m waiting for a referral and also deal with lashing out verbally and physically which hurt, but in the meantime school has suggested:

1) zones of regulation – giving help and ways to express feelings and emotions when the child is triggered and can’t express themselves in usual ways

2) reading about ways to manage ADHD. Trauma can behave in very similar ways to adhd but meds won’t help trauma. But just like in adhd, kids with trauma can become overwhelmed with tasks, aren’t driven by consequences (like if we say ‘if you don’t do your homework there’s no tv later’ we expect the child to be driven to do their homework whereas in adhd the child will say I don’t care, so what, I don’t want to) and have very low self esteem (thanks trauma!). So some of the methods for helping adhd can apply like breaking tasks into small chunks etc. It means a shift in how we operate but can help us understand why or how the child is reacting. This isn’t saying the child is ADHD it’s that there’s similar behaviours shown in trauma and this

3) grounding techniques- when their brain is triggered the critical part (forget its name) switches offline. They can’t just stop and control themselves. We need to help switch that part of the brain back on (same for us if we have a panic attack or get triggered in some way) so grounding techniques can help. There’s many but maybe a certain perfume, a cold or hot drink, counting down from ten or listing things you see/hear/feel etc. A distraction I guess which helps the brain realise it’s ok, it’s safe, relax and re engage.

school have said they may need to refer to social services but haven’t yet, whilst it’s scary I’m trying to see that as a supportive thing. It’s really hard for us too as the child ‘kicking off’ and trigger our muscle memory of the abuse too so grounding yourself might be needed. Then it’s really hard as a parent to suddenly have to do this parenting park differently too, so maybe see if there’s any support available for you too. Not sure if any of this helps and sorry it ended up long anyway, but like you I’ve struggled to find info about this x

[Bananaboat]

Unfortunately he won’t leave. They don’t and will happily live in this weird limbo for years if allowed to. Remember you’re his supply, they’re parasites. It’s incredibly hard when you’ve been worn down so badly but the only option is for you to take the lead on any action. Have you spoken to womansaid on the live chat? If married you’ll probably need some legal advice too. I’ve lived this twice in different relationships and it’s no life, you deserve better and can’t move on & recover whilst still in the same house, unfortunately you’re not dealing with a reasonable & rational person in abuse.

[Bananaboat]

I think you know the answer already sadly, yes there’s some big red flags here and it doesn’t sound like a good start for a safe, happy, trusting relationship. You deserve better x

[Bananaboat]

Yup. You’re probably seeing glimpses of that version of him you fell for, remembering the good times and grieving what you hoped could’ve been. It is hard watching them with a new partner but it’s also triggering because I know what the new woman is going to go through and that’s a whole bag of emotions too. You say you want him to be happy but it’s funny isn’t it, because he never will be he’ll just bounce onto the next victim time & time again. Meanwhile it sounds like you’re thriving and have exciting times ahead! x

[Bananaboat]

He’ll never admit it. It doesn’t benefit him to admit it, but it does benefit him gaslighting you and denying your memories. It’s making you doubt yourself and feel crazy, angry and he’s blocking your ability to talk about it. Sadly he’ll never admit he’s wrong, he won’t change and he will keep doing things to make you feel small & controlled. I guess knowing this, your decision isn’t ’how Do I get him to admit it’ but should be ‘do I feel safe and want to stay in this relationship’. Not easy but you’ll drive yourself mad waiting for him to admit & be sorry x

[Bananaboat]

You leave one step at a time, (unless you’re in danger) if safe as you can be in this life then there’s no rush or right/wrong way. My steps included learning about abuse, seeing it, imagining a life without it, mentally thinking of what I’d need for that life, to slowly but surely looking into that life (moving documents, applying for housing), until it happened. There was a lot of one step forward, two steps back in that road but it’s worth it x

[Bananaboat]

Yes absolutely, you don’t know what you don’t know so even if you’re in a good place counselling can help unpack how you got there in the first place which then builds you up going forward. Also in abuse and trauma our brains can suppress certain memories which counselling can help you process and reframe. As a parent myself I’ve also found it helpful to me and my kids. Plus what we think is a good place now might actually just be a step above the bad place – surviving rather than thriving.  Good luck x

[Bananaboat]

What you’ve written is exactly abuse. If he was nasty all the time you’d be long gone, you see they know it’s the nice side that keeps you there with hope. Don’t blame the drunk either. We all did, but he’s choosing to abuse you the drink is just an excuse. Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ buy it or there’s free copies online and you’ll see so much of his behaviour is abuse, it’s rarely just being hit it comes in all forms – verbal & emotional often being the hardest to prove but hurts & lingers the longest x

[Bananaboat]

You can’t coparent with an abuser because as you’re finding out it’s all about controlling you, not about your child. I used to be the same and think it was rude to end the chats about himself, but hang on a sec – he’s not caring about your time or if you’re interested in what he’s saying. It’s all about him.

I started by weaning myself off – so don’t answer his call, leave it 30mins before reading his text building that up overtime – this helps you break that obligation to respond plus you’re still addicted to the chemical reactions that arise and need to break that. It’s uncomfortable to begin with but helps you and gives him a message that I’m not at your beck & call. He might react to that which may also help you see clearer. Then ask already said, you got to set boundaries of your time / his time. Your home should be your safe place and him coming round is preventing that and he’ll be testing you too. He’s a grown man he can arrange a safe location to see the child, even if it’s an hour at soft play, you’re not obligated to have him in your home. Good luck, it’s tough to break old habits but you can do it x

[Bananaboat]

Sadly this is quite common. Just like you I stood up for my eldest, protected them and asked them to be quiet or not reply but with hindsight, what I thought was best probably wasn’t because I was silencing their voice, making them small, stopped their friends coming round etc which I now see was all to appease my abuser.

initially he got in my good books by acting like a dream step dad, but slowly he played us off. When his child visited we had to comply with their wants & needs – they were the golden child. When challenged he’d bite back that I was the awful person for daring to question (as the kids were all different ages so had different interests but )in his eyes only his child’s mattered during that time.  People, including children are just pawns in a game to get what the abuser wants or needs, it wasn’t until I had a child with him and saw how all kids were treated that I realised something was really wrong and it wasn’t just because we were a blended family.

My other realisation since leaving is that however much I thought I was shielding my kids, they still heard or saw stuff, they felt the tension in the air during the cycle and became hyper sensitive to sounds and his actions. They also grew to not get fully excited about Christmas, birthdays or holidays because they knew he’d cause some issue and that was a big one for me – they only get so many Christmas etc as kids, and we only get a handful of chances to make memories and enjoy those times. You deserve better x

[Bananaboat]

Are you happy? If the answer is no, then there’s your answer on why you should or want to leave. It’s as simple as that.

although don’t get me wrong I totally understand it’s not in our worlds because the abuse has manipulated our minds, reduced our confidence and convinced us we don’t have any choices. But people break up every day simply because they’re unhappy or the trust/love has died out. Yes one or both might be upset but the other partner respects that decision and relationships end – only in abuse are we told we can’t or held hostage. You’re not living right now.

I spent years in a home after a split because he wouldn’t let me leave or sell and I wish I’d just gone. Let him cry, that’s his emotions/response to own, yeah it’s sad (he’s losing his supply) but as you say it will not change unless you’re the one to bite the bullet and do it. You don’t have to justify it, he just needs to know that’s your decision.

work it through with your counsellor and explore why you feel the need to justify it, I found that really helpful to do with mine xx

 

[Bananaboat]

What helped me was focusing on me – it wasn’t easy to begin with. I’d watch tv programmes I liked or read a book and stupidly I’d feel guilty, which grew into enjoyment then into being almost relieved for those silent times. Over time that space became thinking about my future and what it could be like without all this aggro before eventually turning it into a real option.

The trouble with abuse is you’re not dealing with a normal person, so there is no reasonable conversation or trying to explain your side – they don’t care. When they’re like this you could argue Up is up and they’d say it’s down. The more you learn about abuse, the more you see it and accept it’s not you. Lundy Bancroft, pat craven, (detail removed by moderator), the freedom programme, posts on here all helped me at that point.

You can’t be a robot and even if you could, that’s no way to live. You learn no matter how small or quiet you make yourself it’s never enough for an abuser. Maybe look up the discard phase – might not apply but abusers are cowards and need to treat us so badly that we leave them so that they can be the victim with a sob story about how horrible we are for leaving (they don’t mention they cheated etc). Mine did this and would start random arguments at the end to trigger responses from me and excuses from him. x

[Bananaboat]

My counsellor explained that, like Lisa said, our brains protect us and block out certain memories. I’m finding memories are starting to return as I go through the sessions usually in the week, odd things just creeping out. They also explained that it’s a bit like the grief cycle where you might experience feelings of anger, go into denial all the way through to acceptance. They said anger might take a while to come as we’ve been conditioned for so long so have almost forgotten how to show or feel it. They also mentioned possibly EDMR for unblocking memories. Not sure if any of this helps

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely it’s amazing that you’re seeing it for what it is, even though it hurts. I treated it like the addiction it is, so wean yourself – yea the advice is block but sometimes you can’t so break the habit and don’t reply to the texts straight away, don’t respond in full – short sharp and factual responses only & avoid all attempts to hook you into a conversation. My ex tried all this too, including middle of the night messages about dead pets lol. Remember you’re going through a break up – we forget this when we’re escaping abuse, so it’s ok to grieve what you thought you had or wanted in the future, just keep reminding yourself of that horrible side of him. I also found if I had a day or evening of missing him, I’d come to my senses the next day. So what would you do during a break up? Chick flicks, long baths, see friends or whatever you fancy. Distract yourself with some telly, a book or change of scenery like a walk or pop to the shops – it helps the brain reset x

[Bananaboat]

So sorry you’re experiencing this. You’ve hit the nail on the head without realising it – he wants you to feel sad, anxious and confused because what do you do? Try and please him even more. It’s cruel and your kids are probably feeling the tension too. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’, I found it really helpful to highlight all this kind of abuse x

[Bananaboat]

Yes, these often happen to me out of the blue for a few days then vanish again just as suddenly. Probably something has triggered this but yes they can be very scary. It’s like your body is remembering all the fear, anxiety and panic until like you say, you realise you’re safe.

[Bananaboat]

Have you looked into parallel parenting? The advice is often stop trying to coparent and parallel instead. You’re not dealing with a reasonable person, he’s going to fight everything and whilst you’re playing chess he’s playing monopoly. Don’t know if it’ll help in your case? Also don’t give up, that’s what he wants – to win. I got told nhs counselling isn’t right for dv, maybe just my area but do you have any local abuse charities or can access counselling through work maybe? It’s tough but you’re tougher xx

[Bananaboat]

Yes. My ex did this too – Until it didn’t work, then he escalated to actual hitting.  Like you say, you know not to put your hands around other people’s throats and so does he, he’s choosing to scare you so you what he wants. Think of it like the frog or lobster in boiling water, they don’t realise they’re being cooked until it’s too late.

[Bananaboat]

Once I left I realised how damaging living in abuse was for my kids. I thought I’d protected them or they were too young to understand but it’s a bit like smoke how it seeps into everything. They feel that tension in the air like we do, my eldest admitted to listening to conversations and recognising sounds like how he opened a door as a sign of his moods. They knew if he suggested certain days out it meant danger later and had stashed food & drink in their rooms. My youngest has ongoing dysregulation around managing outbursts which school believe is linked to what they grew up in (and that was only a handful of years as they were so young when I left). Even the dog was diagnosed with anxiety! Yes it’s scary and I’m not going to lie, there’s ongoing issues with the ex and my heart breaks knowing my child isn’t being fully loved when with their dad, BUT you can give them a safe, loving home and teach them about a caring environment. You can also safeguard your child and access support you can’t whilst still living together. I wish, with hindsight I’d got them out earlier and knew staying wasn’t the best option for us anyway. x

[Bananaboat]

Look into FOG, fear obligation and guilt – it helped me. So that first time I ended up living with several years, way way longer than humanly fair. We weren’t married but co-owned and I had to arrange to sell.

The other one we joint rented. He refused to leave, made threats and in the background I sourced a new home. Telling him gos I was so scared, I nearly pulled out and remember physically shaking but in the end I sat on the sofa and just blurted out I’m moving on x date and giving notice on this house.

They react, never quite how you expect and always to with try and win you back or make out they’re the victim. I remember just praying someone else would do it, tell him or whisk me out of there but we have to be our own heros and stick to it. That’s the hard bit, even once you’ve drawn that line they’ll still poke poke poke and you have to say no. It’s not easy, I flipped and flopped, had panic attacks, cried, wobbled but that first night out I felt relief.

A friend had police on hand when she moved out, I don’t know how she arranged that but maybe another option. So sorry you’re going through this xx

[Bananaboat]

Don’t forget they need flying monkeys, for example my ex has vilified one of his previous baby mums and stayed ‘friends’ with another, why? Well he can say how nasty the 1st is to get his new supply or others to feel sorry for him and then say look I’m not the problem and what she says about me is all lies because I’m ‘friends’ with my other baby mum. It devalues the first ex and anything she says to manipulate his narrative. This is why we have to look at their actions, not their words. When you do that (in my example) he’s (third party incidents removed by Moderator) I.e. he’s the same bad guy doing the same actions just painted differently. In your case I’d put money on him having hit, intimidated or got very close to hitting or displayed other types of abusive behaviour to previous girlfriends. You did not cause this, promise x

[Bananaboat]

Have you looked into FOG, the fear/obligation/guilt? That definitely kept me in the relationship longer than I should’ve done. It’s really really hard to leave and really scary – they don’t make it easy either. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re clearly doing the best you can and that’s ok. Remember you’re not to blame, he is.

[Bananaboat]

Good luck, half the battle is accepting he really is that person so well done for starting the ball rolling. I hope you get a new start soon until then it really helped when I started acknowledging his behaviour to my eldest and saying it’s not ok that he does or says that to you, just to reassure them it’s not on them xx

[Author]

Posts