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I definitely experienced this too. For me it was because I felt like I was finally taking control leaving the relationship for the sake of our children, only to end up in what felt like a worse situation due to ongoing post separation abuse. It has taken a very long time to have more of a balance and feel more healthy.

I still slip into old habits often when my kids are away from me with my ex, as I worry and don’t eat/sleep well. But I have found ways to cope, to eat and exercise better and am looking forward to getting a dog soon too.

Your body will find its balance in the end, but in the meantime just try to be kind to yourself. Exercise routines are all very well but sometimes what your body needs is lots of rest and relaxation.

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He has no right to know where you are taking your daughter if it’s just normal everyday outings or even overnight. When we separated we had an agreement that we would notify the other person if we were taking the children away overnight but after ex repeatedly didn’t bother to tell me I also stopped informing him. You would be expected to notify him about any illness, doctor appointments etc. You will also need his permission if you want to take her abroad. Things like school choices and medical decisions he will have an equal say.

In terms of contact, be very careful and get legal advice. Even when there has been abuse the courts tend to favour shared care arrangements. A contact centre might be the best bet to avoid allegations that you are withholding contact (abusive men often accuse their ex partners of abuse).

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My advice would be to really take your time. I had counselling early on after leaving the relationship and I think in a way it was too soon. It helped with the aftermath of actually leaving, but not the longer term trauma. So don’t necessarily expect everything to be resolved all at once.

Its been several years for me, but I still struggle sometimes to know who I actually am. I spent so long trying to placate my ex that its all very muddled. I am getting there though, and have a great support network and new interests. Some things I thought I wanted to focus on in the first couple of years after leaving weren’t actually right for me after all. So take time to try things, and see it as a process of discovery not a quick fix.

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Have you read about ‘grey rock’ and ‘yellow rock’ communication methods? These have been hugely helpful for me.

Have a google, but effectively its about ignoring irrelevant comments, being child focused and emotionless. It does help to reduce the issues when they realise you aren’t getting drawn in.

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I hope you managed to get to the airport on time. Please try not to beat yourself up about things like this happening either way – everyone ends up in ridiculous situations like this sometimes. I nearly missed a really important train once with my kids due to going to the wrong train station, my friend once missed a flight with her kids as she forgot her passports.

Please give us an update and let us know if you got there ok x

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I have had some awful experiences with work over the last few years too. I think it is partly because due to the long-term abusive relationship I am hugely conflict averse. This means I often let little issues build up slowly instead of tackling them at the start, and so people take advantage of me. Eventually it all gets too much and I am left feeling totally walked over. I’ve been working on this with a counsellor, but its really hard to build up that sort of confidence again.

Ultimately though I do also agree with others that there are so many toxic workplaces too. Its so hard to try and make the decision whether to leave or not. I’m struggling with the same currently, but as there’s no decent jobs for me to apply for currently its irrelevant.

Good luck with the interview!

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Men like this are often very clever. They learn from what did/didn’t work in one relationship and use this for the next one. This means they often seem to totally change when a new relationship comes along.

When I look back at our relationship my ex was a bit like a chameleon. He changed parts of himself to be what seemed the perfect person that I wanted initially. Over a very long time these parts slowly fell away and I was left really confused and trying to find the person I had fallen in love with. He kept telling me it was all my fault that he was stressed/angry so I would change my own behaviour trying to please him. I would see glimpses of the old person I loved which kept me hanging on in the relationship for much longer than I should have done.

I see my ex doing this with his new partner, but in different ways. He has changed (detail removed by Moderator) which just so happen to coincide with her views. I gather he told her (detail removed by Moderator) (total rubbish). He is morphing to be the person she wants him to be, and I expect this will last a good while until she relaxes in to the relationship and he can slowly reveal his true self. I feel desperately sorry for her. She no doubt thinks she’s found the perfect man, as did I at the start.

There are always underlying reasons people are abusive – unless he has had therapy this won’t change.

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I naively fully expected to leave my abusive relationship, work out some co-parenting schedules and live happily every after. I had absolutely no idea how things would work out.

Despite a new serious relationship it feels like my ex lives to try and torment me. He’s slowly worked his way through every accusation possible – apparently I abused him physically, mentally and financially and have numerous mental health issues (I don’t). He then accused me of emotional neglect to our kids, medical neglect of our kids, accused me of making up medical symptoms for them. Years of family court. Long accusatory emails, but of course if I ask a question or need to know something he ignores me.

Grey rock is useful, but ultimately means that I am helpful and put our kids first and he does the opposite.

In a way I don’t blame him any more – he is clearly unwell and unhappy. What I do blame is the system that not only allows him to do these things but encourages him.

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Mine used to prolong handovers as much as possible whether dropping off or picking up. He would make a huge fuss about how much he had/would miss them. He’d encourage them to run up and down, throw them into the air, all sorts of stuff just to make me wait. He would also pick up our littlest one as soon as he came near to drop off – deliberately making sure they couldn’t run towards me. Then it was a huge show and dance pretending they didn’t want to get put down. Lots of comments designed to rule me up but in such as way that no-one else would know that was what he was doing. All the while recording with his phone…

We now do third party handovers (mostly school, family for holidays) and it is so much better for me and the kids.

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I can totally relate to this. Years out of the relationship, but having children together is just a never-ending horrendous nightmare. My ex is like a chameleon, so he manages to find ways to ingratiate himself with all the people that matter and have influence over my/our kids lives. He lies constantly, but even when caught out with serious lies there is no negative consequence so he keeps doing it. In fact in many ways the system encourages him to do this.

To the outside world he is a wonderful loving father, but our children are struggling with his controlling behaviour too now, which is the worst part of it all.

Sometimes I forget how bad it is when we were in the same house, and you are right it is much better even though the ongoing post separation abuse is horrendous. He used to keep me up all night regularly with his arguments, accusations, paranoia… It was utterly relentless. At least now I don’t have to physically see him.

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Well done for taking the huge step of leaving. I remember those early days and feeling overwhelmed, scared, uncertain… just so many negative emotions.

Try to focus on your own needs for this period. What do you enjoy usually? A warm bath with a hot chocolate? A walk by the sea/river/woods? Try to focus on the small normal things in life, and over time you will start finding some joy again.

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You aren’t overthinking at all. On paper my ex has moved on with a long-term relationship but in practise he is still obsessed at intruding into my life in whatever way he can. He pops up here, there and everywhere – not just social media but doing things in my local community (that he no longer lives near). I do find it triggering, but I am also aware that each individual thing is very easily explained away and so its nowhere near the level you could report as harassment.

In your case he probably posted lots on the sort of social media pages he knows you are likely to see especially to cause distress. That says way more about him than about you.

As for his new partner, there’s nothing you can do. You ex will be on lovebombing mode, and I doubt she believes about the abuse. He’s probably given her a huge sob story about how it was his dog, and he bought all the stuff, and you are abusive etc, which will reel her in with sympathy.

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I can totally relate to GR’s reply. I didn’t know who I was after my long abusive marriage. I am still working it out now, and some things have come as a surprise. As a random example, I discovered I enjoy hillwalking. When I was with my ex he would drag me up huge hills, walk much faster than me, get annoyed at me being too slow, and there was always some sort of entirely unnecessary drama or explosive outbursts about parking/forgetting something minor/timings/me being tired etc. So I thought I hated hillwalking, but actually I’ve joined a women’s group and I really enjoy it now as its friendly and supportive.

I think as you rediscover who you are, and who you want to be in future, this will help put perspective on how you feel about your ex. Read up about trauma bonding, as this will be helpful. I found CBT and also counselling via Women’s Aid helpful too. Although I think my counselling was too early on in the healing process and I’m on a waiting list again. It takes a long time to process everything and realise how bad things were.

Be careful with the guilt, and try not to rush in to any major decisions. You situation is different as my ex wasn’t charged, but I made bad decisions about how much contact with our kids to offer. I felt so guilty about ending the relationship and this clouded everything. The guilt will go over time. These days I am able to see exactly who is the one who should feel guilty – it isn’t me 🙂

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I think abusers actually pick strong, kind, caring people – this is how they manage to cause so many issues.

If I hadn’t been so strong I would have left many years before I did. I believed that I was helping and supporting a wonderful man who was apparently unlucky with work/family/friends/previous partners, who had supposedly been abused by his family and previous partner, who deserved my love. I can look back clearly now and see the cycle of abuse, and the constant lies, but at the time I was just increasingly desperate to try to help the man I loved through all the things that seemingly weren’t his fault.

Being ‘strong’ meant that when he was horrendous to me I was able to pick myself back up and carry on regardless. But it also meant that I never allowed myself to think of the damage to myself until I was in way too deep to escape easily.

The phrase that always winds me up is ‘but you always seemed so happy’…

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Who is telling you these things – is it family, colleagues, friends, your ex, your children?

One of the things I found hardest in leaving my abusive relationship was coming to terms with my entire life changing. I lost many friends as he told everyone so many nasty untrue things about me. Other people just didn’t understand my situation, or found it uncomfortable.

I’ve had to make a new life for myself, and it is painfully slow. Over time you will find people who believe in you and can support you. Sending hugs

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I think it is normal for things to feel worse for a while when life starts to settle down again. When you left and were putting in the work you had something positive to focus on and move forwards for. Now that hard work is done there is probably a bit of a void in your life.

Would planning some nice things to look forward to possibly help? So your focus is moving from more of a survival kind of mode to finding ways to enjoy your new life. It could be something as simple as going for a walk somewhere you’ve always fancied, or visiting a friend or joining a new group?

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I am years out, and yet I still regularly go through periods where I feel like this. I sometimes regret leaving my abuser because I still have to deal with his behaviour via family court, CMS, impact on the kids and all the other ways he finds to cause issues. At the same time I’m worse off financially, practically and socially, and have to watch him having ‘happily’ moved on with a longterm relationship. BUT then I remember that I have much more control over many aspects of my life than I used to, and I try my best to compartmentalise things e.g. doing all the paperwork and chasing referrals for my child (similar issues from the sounds of it) when they are not with me. IT does also help a little to remember that my ex can’t be as happy as he appears to be or he wouldn’t be so obsessed with causing issues.

NHS referrals for adults actually take far less time than for children, at least in my area. My child was referred before me, but I have had CBT and meanwhile my child is still waiting for help (not helped by his Dad insisting he is totally fine). I’d really recommend trying CBT if you haven’t already. I wish I had answers about how to help your child but I am in the exact same situation. I think as they get older they are more aware of the control and manipulation etc, but aren’t able to understand or express it.

I would go back to woman’s aid and ask if there’s any more support they can give you, or if they have support services for children. As hard as it is, try to get enough exercise, sleep and eat as well as you can as these things will help too.

The big thing I changed that has helped is planning ahead. When I don’t have my kids it can be particularly tough, so I make sure I have food to cook that I will enjoy to motivate me. I have joined a women’s walking group and sign up for walks some weekends so I feel obliged to go (I never want to, but do always enjoy them). I also book in things to look forward to with my kids so there are always positives coming up, even if it is just making the effort to go to a new park or walk.

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Age makes a big difference in understanding, but I explained to mine along the lines of Mummy and Daddy weren’t happy together, and I thought we would both be happier apart. I explained the benefits for the children like having quality time with both parent separately, having two rooms, two sets of toys etc. If your child is young the ‘two homes’ book is good, and I’m sure there will be equivalents for older children.

Women’s Aid can offer support and advice, including for your child if needed in future. My ex sounds very like yours. He has blamed me, played the victim, is one of those ‘pillar of the community’ type people. He constantly lies to the children too. Now he can’t get to me directly he does it via malicious reports to social services, GP etc.

It is very tempting to tell children what is really going on, but its important not to. Two reasons – first is that anything you say will be used against you in court in future (likelihood is you’ll end up back there at some point). The second is that children need to be protected from these things as much as possible. As your child gets older, and understands more, they will be able to judge the situation for themselves. Try to lay the foundations for this by encouraging critical thinking skills. If they are talking about major issues (e.g. Daddy says you hit him) you can just say this is incorrect and Daddy shouldn’t be discussing adult things like this with you.

If its something more recent/ongoing that directly affects the children (e.g. Daddy says you keep stealing school jumpers… I get this sort of thing a lot) you can apply the critical thinking skills. Don’t say he’s lying. Encourage the child to think about it for themselves. Did the child have a jumper when they went to Daddy’s house. If so, how did you steal it? Did they see you steal it? Why would you steal it? Where are all the jumpers if you had stolen so many? Instead of telling my children their Dad is a liar I tell them that its important to look at evidence and decide for themselves. Longer term I think children will align with the parent that is consistent, honest, and not constantly trying to badmouth the other parent.

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I know you can’t give ages, so I will suggest a few things.

If they are late teens, they can effectively decide for themselves where they want to live, and who they want to spend time with. No one can, for example, make a 16 year old live where they don’t want to.

I assume thought that they are either younger teens or more spread out in age. At that sort of age if court gets involved they will be given the chance to input to decisions. If you are able to stay calm and reasonable and show your children that you are the safe and secure person (that I’m sure you are) this will go in your favour when they are asked their views.

Court most commonly takes the status quo and slowly changes it towards shared care. You are right that the longer he refuses contact the more this makes him look unreasonable, but equally the longer he is the resident parent the more likely this will continue. I would be looking to get a court hearing asap. Mediation isn’t appropriate where there’s been abuse so you are fine to decline this.

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I would be very careful and speak to an experienced solicitor before doing anything. I thought I had more than enough evidence of emotional abuse and other harm to my children. I didn’t stop contact, but asked for it to be reduced, yet somehow it has all backfired and led to more contact. The anxiety and health issues my child has are being blamed on me and my fears about my ex. It is unfair and my ex is basically facilitated and encouraged to continue his abuse of all of us.

Ultimately, courts care more about 50:50 and ‘equal’ parenting than they do about anything else – even when one parent is clearly seriously problematic.

However, I do want to say… I believe you. I hear you. I understand.

One thing I have learned is that you will be blamed for your child’s anxiety. Do as many parenting courses as you can to pre-empt the accusation of parenting being the issue. Ask for counselling and Women’s Aid support for yourself, and also see if they can offer support for your child.

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Thanks again everyone.

I’ve cried more today than I think I’ve ever cried before. I feel it’s all my fault for not making the right decisions through a very long court process.

I know my ex will continue to punish me through child contact and any other means possible. Ultimately he wants to destroy any happiness I have.

I actually wish I stayed in the relationship asni would have had more chance of protecting my child. It feels hopeless.

It’s far too early to challenge the court decisions, but maybe I can in a year or two.

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I love the serenity prayer, and even though I’m not religious I think about it lots.

The thing is, I am not free of my abuser. The phone will randomly ring when I’m enjoying time with my kids and its social services saying there’s been another accusation. Or an email from my solicitor with another accusation. Or a call from school because there’s issues with my child (loads of anxiety related issues). It feels like he’s all around me constantly causing issues… because he is!

I also have issues with my child coming back from their dad full of anger and anxiety and I get the brunt of it. I am hit, spat at, kicked, shouted at, blamed for everything. I cannot get help because my ex either blocks it or referrals get rejected as its all blamed on ‘conflict’. Child is perfect for their Dad and so of course professionals see this as my fault.

I’m honestly not sure how much more of it I can take.

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Honestly I think the longer I have been out of my abusive relationship (several years) the more I realise how badly I was, and still am, affected by it. If you are able to make a clean break that’s a lot easier than if you are unable to do so e.g. having children together.

In terms of emotional support, I would try and look at it as a bigger picture thing. Films, music, social media etc all portray an idea that a few individual people are able to provide all the emotional support you need – a partner or parents. In reality I find that the needs I have after a long abusive relationship aren’t met by any one person. My women’s aid worker has been helpful for helping me realise how common everything I have experienced and feel is. My Mum has been good at practical support (less so the emotional side, although she’s getting better slowly). I have had CBT which has helped me reframe my own thoughts and worries. A couple of close friends are good at listening when there are issues with my children and my ex. But at times it still doesn’t feel ‘enough’. I don’t want a new partner as I know I’m too vulnerable still, but I miss the physical comfort side of being hugged.

Could you seek more support from other people too? Maybe counselling or CBT or a women’s aid worker if you don’t alreayd have one?

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Well done for recognising his behaviour as red flags. He sounds very controlling. There is nothing wrong with having different interests and lifestyle as long as you are both able to discuss and make compromises. It sounds like his go-to for any disagreements is to blame you / put you down / get angry, none of which is acceptable.

[cakepops]

It seems to be very common that the abuser moves on quickly and seems to be having the perfect life. But, he’s clearly not happy or he wouldn’t be sending you pictures and trying to win you back.

Could you maybe write down some of your feelings? I need to be in contact with my ex regularly due to having children, and I find it so frustrating that I need to hold in what I really want to say. So sometimes when things get really bad I do a reply exactly how I would like to word it, and then delete it. Its really therapeutic [but if you do this ALWAYS make sure you delete his email address first so you can’t hit send by accident!!!).

Also, for people like this the best revenge you can have is moving on and being happy. I don’t necessarily mean with a new man, but in terms of your own personal development and happiness. Spend time finding out who you want to be, what you enjoy, spending time with people who understand and believe in you.

[cakepops]

Abusive men always use the same techniques like you have mentioned – accusing you of being crazy, using the children against you, redirecting blame etc.

If the problem genuinely was you its unlikely you would be doubting yourself or asking these sorts of questions. Its all about him trying to continue to control you in whatever means he can manage.

If the parenting app isn’t working you can ask for this to be implemented via court. Alternatively you could insist on only email contact (don’t use phone/text/whatsapp etc).

You might be able to get a family support worker for the children to help their behaviour towards you?

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Thanks, I do have good support thankfully, but currently it just doesn’t feel like enough.

I can’t stop contact and in fact contact was recently increased despite all the issues being raised. It was deemed that our child would do better with more time with their dad(detail removed by moderator). We all know why, but the experts don’t see things through the lens of DV even with abundant evidence.

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Thanks, I’ll have a look at that!

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If I was capable of running that would be a good idea 😉 I did do a couple of 5k events years ago, but haven’t run since having kids. I’m thinking of taking my kids to the kids parkruns next year so that might help my fitness and make this something to aspire to.

But – you are right that exercise is a good call. I need to book things to give me the motivation not to get out of it so I might book in a few swimming sessions as its something I used to enjoy then stopped.

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I went to the theatre myself recently to see a show which was ok, but I found it a bit awkward being on my own surrounded by what seemed like loads of loved up couples. I will try and pluck up the courage to book something at the cinema – it’s a good idea 🙂

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