Catjam

[Catjam]

Thanks, I have downloaded the book you suggested and will read it when my head doesn’t hurt so much. I went to a support group yesterday and they were so lovely. My daughter came too as she has just been diagnosed with EUBPD. Emotional unstable personality disorder. She got some amazing advice. Unfortunately she is in one of her angry moods which makes her extremely difficult to deal with.
It’s all just so overwhelming

[Catjam]

Hi, I was exactly the same. I asked him repeatedly to leave and he wouldn’t.
I also had the option to get him removed but decided against it because it felt too much. That I didn’t want to give him that label, more because of our kids as they are all grown up.
So I ended up finding somewhere to live and in a way I think this was the better option. He would have left with a bag of clothes and would have found a reason to come back every day.
It was hard to leave especially as I left with very little but my place is just that, it’s mine. I still have to deal with all the legal stuff and I miss him badly but I have tried to go no contact as much as possible.
There are no easy options but you need to do what’s right for you.

[Catjam]

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I too have been in a relationship for decades and know how hard it is. I only left recently so feel the urge to go back the minute I wake. I cared for his parent who had (removed by moderator) so I understand that pressure too.
Is he at the point of being able to go into a home? So maybe you can start dealing with being apart from him.
You need to start taking care of you. Easier said then done but it’s going to be your time soon. It may be worth talking to someone who may able to help you heal from everything you have gone through.
I know I’m probably not offering much help but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t on your own xx

[Catjam]

This is abuse. Mine would do similar stuff. If I told him no to certain situations then he would sulk or go silent. Sometimes he just wouldn’t leave me alone till I gave in just so I could sleep. Every so often he would want to talk about how boring I was. That he needed more.

Sorry this is harder than I thought.

Have you considered reaching out to your gp? It may be a small step into getting help and they may know of agencies that can help you look after your children.

You deserve so much more and to be treated with respect and love. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, this sounds awful. It’s abuse. I finally spoke to my gp about my concerns and she was so supportive and put me in touch with a local support group. It’s hard to find out the person who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with can treat you so badly.
I would also recommend the Freedom Programme, I have only been able to do it online but I know their are classes in it. Also read as much as you can.

The ladies on here are amazing and always offer support and advice to reach out on here too.

I know it’s daunting but know you are believed and their is help and support out there.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. Life with these men make us question our sanity. Im not good at giving specific advice but I would suggest reading and research. I favour Lundy Bancroft and his books but I know there are a lot more out there that may be better for your situation.
I would also talk to someone at Womens Aid or find a local support group. My gp put me in touch with my local group as mine is emotionally abusive rather than physical.
If you search for gaslighting and the FOG of abuse it brings up loads of websites you may also find helpful.
I would just add the comment you made about his previous girlfriend being stronger than you isn’t true. You are stronger than you realise but these men are very clever at getting under our skin and make us believe that they are so right for us.
I hope you find the answers you need to move forward. Take care xx

[Catjam]

I totally agree, we all need to be kind to ourselves. No-one really understands what we go through on a daily basis. I think once I started learning I was living in an emotionally abusive relationship life became so much harder because I started to question the good times as well as the bad.
We all need to be proud of our strength, we are not weak for staying. We are fighting every day to survive and I honestly think we are so much stronger than our abuser. We see the goodness in people. We don’t let them completely wipe out our core beliefs, we might think they do but if you did deep it’s still there.
I always try to see the best in people and I would like to think I treat people fairly. I also believe that for every act of kindness we receive we should pay it forward to the next person in crisis or down on their luck.
We all need to be proud of the tiny steps we take to regaining control, even if it’s just taking 5 minutes on your own to remind yourself you are worth fighting for.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, people will never understand emotional abuse unless they experience it. Everything always seemed so trivial it was my counsellor who pointed out that each event was like a grain of sand. 1 is just a grain of sand but start putting them together and before long you have a desert.
I am also struggling to get one of my daughters to see why I left. To her I am being selfish because of the timing. She doesn’t understand why I needed to go now, why I couldn’t have waited until next year as she has a significant event in the autumn. Her need for that to be perfect outweighs the dramatic announcement by her mum that had I not left I probably wouldn’t be here.
I think we all look for validation with emotional abuse, its so much easier to spot a black eye or a bruised lip. Emotional abuse should be renamed water torture.
I made a report to the police but decided to leave on my own rather than relying on the agency to remove him. The onus on me to prove I was suffering seemed too great at the time.
I hope you find a way out thats safe.

[Catjam]

Hi, I totally relate to all you have said. I didn’t leave because of the good times, he was being so nice and I knew the responsibility of taking him would fall on my 2 oldest girls. But I left and I still question if I was right especially given the impact on my relationship with my kids. But I come to my new home and I feel ok. Its not great, insomnia and panic attacks are still occurring as are the feelings of guilt.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, its going to be the hardest thing you will ever do but it’s so worth it. I’m now learning who I am. I met him so young and my entire life has been about taking care of him and for the first time in decades its just about me. I don’t wait for the slam of the door to know what mood he is in, or worry when he starts doing his sigh, leg punching thing, a sign he was annoyed about something. Sometimes I found out others he would just does this for days.
I miss him and the life we had but it was a life built on lies and falseness. I don’t know whether I did certain things because I genuinely wanted to or because he twisted and manipulated me to do them.
I’m scared for the future as I haven’t told him yet I’m not ever going back but I’m also planning my first ever weekend away with my big sister. Abroad!! Something I would never have dreamed would happen at the beginning of the year.
You will get there and with the help and support from this forum I’m sure one day you will find the strength to finally put you first. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, I have my sister and my boss who are also frustrated by the fact I still put him and his feelings first. I’m out but I am still trying to keep everyone happy at a great cost to myself.
These men are very good at the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. I still question now if life was so bad with him.
Seek help from women’s aid and also read as much as you can. The Freedom programme is also very good.

[Catjam]

Hi, you are not crazy, he has worn you down. I honestly think it’s better to raise a child in a happy healthy home then one where there is abuse. No matter how much you try and protect your children from it all they are very aware of everything that goes on. Get advice and read as much as you can. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Thank you ISO peace, your reply made me cry. I have seen the book by Lundy Bancroft but wasn’t sure it was relevant to me as my girls are all adults. I will certainly have a read though. I have read his other books and also read his blogs. My confidence is low, even to the point where i try to reply to other ladies but start doubting I am giving the right advice so delete it.
I have been in touch with all the relevant companies and let them know of a change in circumstances so hopefully any letters or forms will be sent directly to me as well as him.
I have an important event in a couple of weeks, important only to me and I need to stay focused and work hard to achieve the result I want. He can wait till then as I don’t want the drama ruining this opportunity.

[Catjam]

Thanks Kip. Guess I need to dig deep again. Xx

[Catjam]

How do you become that sort of person? I have always put my girls and him first and have always tried to be fair with people in general. I struggle to be assertive.

[Catjam]

Thank you. Im a little shocked to be fair.

[Catjam]

My daughter has asked me not to go to the house anymore as I wouldn’t like it if he turned up at my new place. She is pushing for me to cut ties completely, she has even removed me from insurance stuff and put her as the beneficiary. I’m scared I could walk away with nothing. I have been putting off getting legal advice as I think in my head it makes it all final, even though I know it is. Sounds lame writing it down.

[Catjam]

Thank you for your post. Congratulations on your new happy life. I hope I can post such positive thoughts in a year. Well done xx

[Catjam]

Thank you. I have done the freedom programme but a while ago. I haven’t heard of the tool kit thing though.

My day got a lot worse as my youngest daughter rang me but was clearly trying to get her ex boyfriend to let her out of his flat. It was awful. The phone went dead then she rang me back still crying and begging to be let out. I rang the police but because I didn’t know his address I couldn’t tell them where she was. Thankfully he let her go and she is home safe but it was terrifying.
I think I need to get proper help as the tears just won’t stop.

[Catjam]

Hi, I too am struggling with this. I haven’t had friends for so long and I have been blessed with some staying in the background waiting till they are allowed to come near. But I don’t feel I deserve them, that I can’t reach out when I am struggling and the urge to go back to him is so strong.
I find I am going to places in the hope I can accidentally bump into to him. Luckily each time I don’t and then I get annoyed with myself for doing it.
I am used to my own company as he was always out.
I’m sure with time it gets easier or at least I hope it does. Xx

[Catjam]

No you don’t sound weak at all. I used to be exactly the same. He used to say that Sunday’s were family days unless of course he got a better offer.
We did have good days out but I could never relax and just enjoy in case anything set his mood off. It was so much better if he got a better offer and left us to it. Especially if the kids wanted to stay home to be out and about with their mates.
But don’t think you are weak, we do what we do to survive and protect our children. I realised one day I was actually a stronger person than him.
Believe in yourself, honestly there will come a time when you sit back and decide you have had enough.
Take care x

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m having this issue. It’s feeding back to me that apparently I am severely depressed and he has tried to help me in so many ways but now I have pushed him away. Also that I had been stealing from him and I was worried he would find out. My eldest is clearly skipping alongside him which really hurts.
I always told my kids it matters not what is said about you, as long as you know the truth and hold onto it. Easier said then done especially when he is getting all the support and help.
Hopefully one day we can rise above it all. I have put my side to one of our mutual friends. Not sure if they believed me or not but I felt better for putting my side but also I have always covered up for him. Maybe now people will start to see him in a new light.

[Catjam]

Hi, I had this all the time so one day I turned off all notifications and put a passcode on my phone. It was the start of my finding the strength to leave. I knew I had done nothing wrong but was constantly having to justify myself and explain tiny details on my phone.
He went mad because of this change, telling me I must be hiding something so I just used to say very calmly that going through my phone was an invasion of my privacy. He then started hiding his phone. But anytime I got a message he still needed to ask who it was, what they wanted. His phone would ping like mad and I would never ask him.
You don’t have to explain or justify anything because they claim to never believe you anyway.
I appreciate it takes a lot to do this, I was terrified the first time he realised he could no longer get into my phone. I made the code something he could never guess too. Even then I used to still put it on silent so I didn’t have to explain who was texting.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Wow! I thought it was just mine that did this. He didn’t until our kids grew up so I didn’t need to be home to look after them. Before this we barely saw him after he finished work or weekends. Once our youngest left school he changed. He barely went out apart from work, if I had a bath he would come and sit in the bathroom.
He complained if I decided to read a book instead of watching tv with him as I wasn’t paying him attention.
It’s quite depressing really and no way to live.

[Catjam]

Hi, I think you know this relationship isn’t healthy. I totally get that you are now unsure of leaving especially as he is now talking about having children. Is he just telling you want you want to hear? They sense the change in us, that their control is slipping so he is trying to reel you back in.
He will always be terrible with money and you will be expected to pay for everything and raise a child.
Can you say that you could cope with another termination if he changed his mind?
I wish I could tell you it will all be happy but I think you know deep down that it isn’t right. I have been out a few weeks and I still have moments where I just need to see him.
I hope you find the answers you need.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, you aren’t going mad. Once I learnt that how we lived wasn’t healthy or normal I started reliving stuff. He also told me that it was my depression that made me hard to live with. It also overwhelms our brains to know that these men could treat us so badly while claiming to love us.
I do believe that it becomes so normal for you both to live like this that once you start to question everything then your brain can’t cope.
Reach out for help and support. There are some excellent books out there, I think there is a list on here. Lundy Bancroft has a blog and several books and I found his insights really helpful.
It feels like a mountain to climb but with help and support you can get there.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, thanks for the messages. I have been feeling very sorry for myself. It’s hard to step out of it. I need to talk to her but unfortunately I can’t mention the finance as her sister told me but she wasn’t meant to. She was confused about it all and decided to ask me outright. I think she believes me but is scared about me confronting her sister about it all.
Clearly living in this family has made us all paranoid and unable to communicate properly. All I can hope is that one day my relationship with them improves.

[Catjam]

My eldest wont even see me. She is still upset and annoyed that I didn’t share my plans on leaving. I’m hurt and angry. Plus today I was asked to take my grandson home early because she was coming over. I understand she wants to see him but why couldn’t she come here for a visit? But its to be with her dad. Its like I am the bad guy and treated him badly all these years. Of course he is suddenly being the amazing dad and grandparent. I am feeling really lonely and beginning to wonder if i did the right thing.

[Catjam]

Thanks for your replies. I knew things were going to be tough but I think I was hoping that the issues would only be from him and not the girls too.
I did wonder if some of it stemmed from suddenly having to give up her life to look after him, we used to see her once a month maybe twice now she is seeing him every weekend. It does hurt she hasn’t been in touch with me though.
I just feel like After decades of trying to justify and explain everything to him now suddenly he doesn’t care and it’s her who demands answers. I just don’t have the energy to cope with that.
I know that I haven’t done anything wrong and I also made the decision when I left to be as fair as possible. I filled his cupboards, ordered any medication. More so I could walk away feeling I had done right.
My daughter gets married later in the year and she is a little bit uptight about it so I also wondered if she was worried about that now. How her dad and I will be, I had wanted to wait until after this event but I reached a point where I realised if I didn’t get out now I never would.
Add in being conflicted about whether he was as bad as I think it’s making life really hard.

[Catjam]

Hi, I totally understand that feeling. I too have just left and I miss him so much. I know I can’t go back but I long for the times where I can pretend everything is ok.
I hope it gets easier and I try to distract myself with jobs around my new place.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection is a total Mind game. They know exactly what they are doing. My mum used to do it, I remember telling him in the early days how awful it was to live with. After an incident where he left bruises and I let my family know he changed tactics to the silent treatment.
You feel like you are invisible and someone has pushed a button so no matter how loud you scream and shout it seems no one can hear you.
I remember saying to him I would have preferred he hit me rather than ignore me.
One day I decided to stop reacting to it. I had no idea what I had done. So I started doing things I wouldn’t do like reading while he was sat there. Instead of blindly following him to bed I decided to stay up an extra half an hour. Small things but it gave me a little power back.
Today I am out but I was decades in. If it happened in a new relationship or friendship that person would be out of my life. If anything this past year has taught me that life is too precious and too short to live with all that negativity.
Take care xx

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