diymum@1

[diymum@1]

Hi darling

this was a number of years ago now i got some cbt therapy and decided to change jobs. Im much happier now but i probably have ptsd i do struggle with toxic behaviour. go see your hr team or if your in a union take this further xx

[diymum@1]

Can you maybe go stay with someone yu trust for a few months. someone who you feel will be there for you through this initial tough period? i can promise you this bond does eventually dissolve. it did for me and i felt exactly as you describe needed him to appease my anxiety when i was participating in anything in my life. its an insane trick of nature (a trauma bond) very real but we often go through denial first it can take a real jolt to get us out of this mind set but mean while your putting your safety at stake.

life is so presious

love diymum

[diymum@1]

Trauma bonds (also referred to as traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds with an individual (and sometimes, with a group) that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments.[1][2][3] The process of forming trauma bonds is referred to as trauma bonding or traumatic bonding. A trauma bond usually involves a victim and a perpetrator in a uni-directional relationship wherein the victim forms an emotional bond with the perpetrator.[4] This can also be conceptualized as a dominated-dominator or an abused-abuser dynamic. Two main factors are involved in the establishment of a trauma bond: a power imbalance and intermittent reinforcement of good and bad treatment, or reward and punishment.[1][4][5] Trauma bonding can occur in the realms of romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, incestuous relationships, cults, hostage situations, sex trafficking (especially that of minors), or tours of duty among military personnel.[1][6]

Trauma bonds are based on terror, domination, and unpredictability. As a trauma bond between an abuser and a victim strengthens and deepens, it leads to conflicting feelings of alarm, numbness, and grief, that show up in a cyclical pattern. More often than not, victims in trauma bonds do not have agency and autonomy, and don’t have an individual sense of self either. Their self-image is a derivative and an internalization of the abuser’s conceptualization of them.[7]

Trauma bonds have severe detrimental effects on the victim not only while the relationship persists, but beyond that as well. Some long-term impacts of trauma bonding include but are not limited to remaining in abusive relationships, having adverse mental health outcomes like low self-esteem, negative self image, and increased likelihood of depression and bipolar disorder, and perpetuating a generational cycle of abuse.[4][5][8][9] Victims who traumatically bond with their victimizers are often unable to leave these relationships or are only able to do so with significant duress and difficulty. Even among those who do manage to leave, many go back to the abusive relationship due to the pervasiveness of the learned trauma bond.[

[diymum@1]

okay so ive been here exactly the same feeling. in essence you are describing traumatic bonding. we feel like this is the same as love but its an even stronger feeling than this. its like craving something abit like a highly addictive substance without it we cant function. Does this ring true? if you look up traumatic bonding it will fully explain what has happened inside your brain. its basically grooming/ conditioning. the only way to get through this is to treat it like addiction. stay away from him see your feelings through although this is really hard. no contact is essential. when you come out of the other side of this youll realise how much danger you are actually in xx

luv diymum

[diymum@1]

look up the governing body of the police and complain xx your doing this to pave the way for other women too. theses men rely on us not seeing this through xx

[diymum@1]

there will be help out there because of the circumstances let womens aid help you. you might have a bit of foggyness due to the abuse we also get condtioned by the abuse its natural physiology a reaction to danger, you need womens aid to support and guide you right now. you will heal nd recover from this. to be scared about finances is hard enough with kids in the mix and abuse reach out theres lots of help out there xx

[diymum@1]

its an excuse i agree xx

[diymum@1]

my thoughts are the same leave now and when it is safe. i had a big gap between my kids with the first i stayed the second i got him out. ive done lots of reading on this subject now because my journey was catastrophic for me. My eldest walked straight into her dads shoes once he left. She tried to manipulate and abuse me in exactly the same way as he did. My youngest had anxiety with all of this but she is much more well rounded she will apologise if she is in the wrong etc etc the bottom line is research shows (and you probably already know this) mum and dad are the main people who will give their kids a ‘script’ for how they lead there lifes in the main in their relationships. my eldest victim blamed me said i was the problem for staying and putting her through his emotional abuse. watching me being emotionally abuse and passifying him. its a mistake to let children witness this, theres alot more to my storey but my youngest does not see her dad now at all. we are free. be good to turn the clock back id have left when my eldest was really young. with you saying he said you cant even say hello to the dads at school i eventually became like a prisoner in my own home. not a good experience and is so hard to think about but i really want you to know xx

you can do this i survived and im on my way to full heaing id say BUT its taken alot of work

luv diymum xx

[diymum@1]

it took me years to realise this wish it had been sooner now. big regrets! it wasnt until i educated myself in how abuse and manipulation works i finally felt the penny dropped xx

[diymum@1]

i think its also important to remember emotional abuse is on par with physical abuse its just more insidious xx

[diymum@1]

the policeman who took him away came back to see me later on that night to check how i was. Ill never forget that. there are some officers who dont ‘get’ domestic abuse. they miss the fact that we are not only traumatised but also trauma bonded. they know women go back so they can be light hearted about it and just not take it seriously enough. all i can say is you can ask for a different officer and you can complain to the governing body if this does happen. its all down to education xx

[diymum@1]

sending a photo standing outside a (removed by moderator) right by the sign! too much info maybe sorry !!

[diymum@1]

never ignore your gut instinct sabel. If you feel scared then your most likely sensing danger. you might have rose tinted glasses on just now i know i did for years. the words in my head were ‘surely not he cant be one of the bad ones he started off so lovely where did that man go?’ you drive your self crazy trying to deny what he is doing is wrong. if he loved and respected you he would not frighten you darling xx its a tough pill to swallow but honestly there are millions of good people out there that wont do this xx

luv diymum

[diymum@1]

Hi Sabel

Have you heard the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’? the fact that he hasnt gone for help shows that theres not really an anger problem, most likely not an mh problem either if im honest. its just an excuse they use. People with mh are not necessarily abusive toward there partners. He has an ‘abusive tendancy’ so he decided to abuse you. have you ever read lundy bancroft why does he do that he explains this really well. the problem with abusive behaviour is that this is a belief system of theirs they dont change even with lots of therapy and it does tend to escalate. its not what we want to hear and its tough to leave but you can do this. start educating yourself on abusive behaviour theres loads of stuff online. xx

luv diymum

[diymum@1]

you need to educate her now in tactics of abuse teach her to grey rock.keep reiterating that she CAN put herself first in this situation. dr Ramani might be a good start for her. Mathew Hussy also has some great videos on how a good relationship looks. Ive been through very similar my daughter ended up cutting contact. It has had its effect on her but by the time she got older i told her he could be very intimidating. to define what he is doing as in the tactic this is ‘push and pull’ it is the tactic that can cause trauma bonding so this might be a good start if she understands whats going on she can make informed choices. your doing her a big favour too in making sure she stays away from abusive men/ friends etc an easier and more fulfilling life basically xx

luv diymum xx

[diymum@1]

the thing is we are strangers but we know the situation so well plus the horrible feeling that comes with dealing with this. dont waste your life with an abusive man. the priority is you do this safely and dont tell him it really does have to be this way once its done theres no contact except through a third party if need be. this is the best advice i can give you from my own experience as i did this back to front!! 🙂 im out ten years now from a 20 year helish relationship 🙂 im as quiet as a wee mouse 🙂 so if i can do it you so can ! call womens aid too get more support and we are around too xx luv diymum

[diymum@1]

i think most of us felt this way, i agree with the first answer that was exactly my thoughts. Have you read up on trauma bonding i really think this would help. i felt the same like no one would want me two kids in tow. thought the worst wished that i could change how it all worked out. the thing is years down the line it becomes alot clearer. you can never change someone who is abusive, you could have never changed the fact that this would have gotten worse. your children will be alot happier not living with an abusive father. they will learn to be strong like you their mum. your brave youve made a stand and youve done the right thing. i know this now after many years. also id like to say there are some good men out there who love you no matter the circumstances xx

head up 🙂 and stay strong

luv diymum xx

[diymum@1]

Id say look up gaslighting. Hes made you doubt your reality to suit himself. Its a tactic thats designed to throw you off so that he can manipulate you. He sounds abusive hes taken advantage of your age and the fact this is all new to you, he is and was well aware of this. Think of an abuser like this, theyre abit like box of tricks. They have many instruments and tactics to use against you to make you maleable to their needs. All abusers make us feel like its us that are the abusers this is gaslighting at its worst. We might retaliate we will defend ourselves but that is natural it dosent make us abusive. what happens is over time we become conditioned to think we are the ones in the wrong. My advice would be get out of this relationship do it in a safe way get help from womens aid and keep talking. you dont have to feel this way anymore. its not easy but you can do this xx

luv diymum xx

[diymum@1]

Hi there 👋

Do you have spare time to read ? Educating yourself on what he is doing. I personally think reading why does he do that might jolt you back into reality and realisation. I’m so worried I’m going to come across in the wrong way because realisation can be a very long process. I’m at the very end of this process after (detail removed by moderator) years yes ! And (detail removed by moderator) years out I’m glad to say. My situation was similar he had ‘MH’ problems 🤨 I believed this for a very long time until (detail removed by moderator). He did the same with the women played me off for the attention. Your senario actually sounds identical to my own xx I’d start first bu learning about (detail removed by moderator) xx itvwill leave your eyes wide open xx It may lead you to a better and more fulfilling life xx I send my support and a hug 🤗 diymum

[diymum@1]

You sound very brave I can hear the conviction in your words. Fight hard for your rights everyone has the right to live without abuse. I know you can do this ! To a happier new year xx

[diymum@1]

I’m going through this too especially in work situations I’m about to start another new job as I’ve decided to run. I can’t deal with manipulating people bullies well I’m almost frozen to the spot dealing with them I’m now even going into placate mode with them xx I do think it time for me anyway to get help for cptsd but where do we turn xx your description is better than mines MD the whole feeling of this is all abit garbled in my mind xx

[diymum@1]

Plus I wanted to add abusive men can sound very mysterious and hard to fathom. The truth is it’s like they’ve all gone to sane training school they’re all very similar that have like a tool bag of tactics to keep theyre control over you and the kids too. If you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft you can be one step ahead in understanding what is actually happening here. Once you see it clearer you’ll manage to navigate this xx you just need to find your feet and we’re here to help you xx 😘

[diymum@1]

I agree with MD he is hoovering you in he will try to make you feel sorry for him. Sometimes mh is actually feigned believe it or not it can be a tactic to keep you. Your kids are having a hard time and he’s letting them down. Remember your not we often think letting go of the relationship keeping you all together is a bad thing. It’s not you can’t ever win with an abuser. Let the official people carry you. That’s ok it will preserve your emotional well being xx you will get through this and you are absolutely doing the right thing. I speak from bear on (detail removed by Moderator) years experience xx don’t meet him as above a bad idea and he will use this to put you in a tail spin xx I personally think your doing great 😊 love diymum

[diymum@1]

Why don’t you want to call the police darling ? I get that it’s such a thought to do this but they will protect you. Start by getting important documents together xx the police will deal with him – do you have somewhere you can go so he dosent know where you are ? Until things are in place ? What he has done is a serious crime xx please reach out to women’s aid and make sure he dosent find out so call from work perhaps? Sending you strength you can get away safely but you need the police to protect you and your boy xx 😘

[diymum@1]

You could get in touch with your local MP I did xx he was great and carried abit of weight let him know the services are letting you down xx my advice is keep going and be very persistent

[diymum@1]

Don’t doubt yourself. All abusers start out acting lovely it’s to hook you in. Acting is the operative word here. Some people will believe you but some won’t that is my experience the school wasn’t great when I went through this either. What IS really important is the people who matter who love you believe in you. To get through this you need to change your mind set This isn’t you xx I’d say your being gas lighted

(detail removed by Moderator) it. Am be done and also his relatives will always take his side xx keep a diary of everything read when dad hurts mom it’s like why does he do that but specifically for custody x I hope this helps abit

Lastly I wanted to say you will get through this
x

[diymum@1]

I’ve stood where your standing. I remember my daughter asking where’s daddy ? Over and over she was so young it feels like it’s going to break you. I had the suicide threats too it’s all part of their tactics to hoover you back. All I can say is stick with it darling. It gets better with each day that goes by. Your not alone but in years on and I look back now and this horrible time was worth it to get an escape xx this is the hard part but honestly once your back on your feet you won’t look back xx best decision I ever made for me and my daughter x

[diymum@1]

and this fuels our;

Defiance
Determination
Drive to get out and to live free
Dedication to other survivors
Dreams fulfilled
Defeat our abuser by truely living an authentic life
Drawn to good decent people
Directed by our intuition and knowledge
Decisive
Dark days are behind us 🙂

[diymum@1]

To be honest if it’s not outside your own country it’s fine moving abroad would be totally different xx

[diymum@1]

If he’s doing prison time I’d say if he applies to court his chances are little to none. I’d be prepared for this tho I mean it might never happen but ask your counsellor that your child is seeing to write to the court get the GP involved. Your case would be the kids are not safe in his care – this would be detrimental for their mental health and development xx 😘 it can be done lots of proof and evidence I got contact stopped for verbal and emotional abuse so you can more than do this if need be xx we’re here to help you

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