Fudgecake

[Fudgecake]

Hello,
I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t blame yourself for their actions. You were strong enough to acknowledge that you used alcohol to self soothe and cope. I did too.
It was their choice to use this to mentally abuse you with. A convenient excuse for their behaviour and that is not acceptable. Well done for surviving. A normal, loving partner would have offered support and compassion to help you through. But then, if you had a partner like that you most likely wouldn’t have had an alcohol issue to start with. I know my alcohol issues got worse in my experience living with an abuser. Don’t blame yourself in any way for their actions, at the end of the day they chose to do what they did. The fault lies with them.

[Fudgecake]

This is an interesting question. A few years out and I’ve no interest in a relationship. However, recently at work someone asked me out which took me by surprise as I’d no idea he felt like that. A red flag instantly arose when he said I looked vulnerable. When I got home and thought about the whole conversation I realised he had a few issues which quite frankly I don’t have the energy or the inclination to deal with anymore. Also the idea of dating again made me feel physically sick.Although I love the idea of romance, I’m just not prepared to take the risk anymore .

[Fudgecake]

Hi Hetty,
It’s important that we never underestimate the influence and pull of the bonds that’s created between us and them. I’ve been out quite some time now and I still think of the nice him rather than the the abuser side to him. I have to remind myself that the nice side of him was the false side.
On a side note, I watched a documentary series yesterday called Ted Bundy:Falling for a Killer which was taken from the view point of his ex long term girlfriend, her daughter plus the female relatives of all the victims. It was disconcerting to see his long term girlfriend admit that she might have been taken in by him once more when he reached out to her at the time of his approaching execution. She never did though as her daughter intercepted the letter he’d wrote and burnt it before her mum could see it – she feared her mum would get sucked back in. It just goes to show how deep these bonds are and for us all to be wary.

[Fudgecake]

Wishing everyone all the best for a Happy Christmas and New Year! 🍸☃️🎄

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
I left with virtually nothing. It was the price I paid for freedom. It’s been a while since I left and I’m still gathering new things to replace the things I had. And I think the word “things “ is key here. That’s just what they are…things. Things can be replaced, a life cannot. I left things I had since childhood, my kid left things too. It’s hard sometimes to think of the sentimental irreplaceable things but we all have to leave things behind eventually. They are material goods in the end. But your life, safety and well being are irreplaceable whilst you walk this earth. I would never go back and beg for what’s mine and that’s what I’d have to do..he’d get off on the controlling power trip. My advice for what it’s worth is to cut it off and consider it lost. It’s just material goods whereas your life isn’t and bargaining with the devil is dangerous.

[Fudgecake]

They do, but it’s conditional love.
They have a mental contract drawn up solely by themselves with lots of fine print.
“Sign here, my love…No,no you don’t have to read it!”

Like if a spider asked a fly on a date?

[Fudgecake]

If you’re asking that question then it is abuse.

[Fudgecake]

Well done Hetty,
Here’s wishing you peace, love and happiness in your future life , all of which are now possible! Yes, it will be scary and you’ll have a rollercoaster of emotions but it will be worth it. I only wished I hadn’t worried so much about the future when I left. All I was doing was torturing myself. We only really have today so enjoy it. The future will take care of itself. Feel the freedom x

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
It’s good that you’ve read the book. It’s also rather telling that you’ve read it. Deep down you know things aren’t right and that’s why you have looked for answers outside of your relationship. Trust your gut, it’s telling you things aren’t normal. With regards to the book, I’m afraid you’re not going to get a one size fits all definition and be able to say that your partner is identical to a definition. From what you’ve described he’s gaslighting you in my humble opinion and keeping you in a state of confusion. I think you already know the answer to what you’re seeking, it’s just gaining the strength to face it. I fled into the night as you say as I too felt he might turn violent. Yes I felt bad and guilty for doing it but it was after years of futility trying to talk like our relationship was normal. If you feel things may turn violent then trust yourself and leave without the confrontation. Being scared of someone especially one who claims to love you is a big red flag. Stay safe, leave without the confrontation and make a safe exit plan with WA support. Put yourself first for once.

[Fudgecake]

They are at their most dangerous when they think you are leaving. Your friends advice is worth taking. Change your locks and leave his stuff outside in a shed perhaps. Don’t let him in. Contact WA for advice.

[Fudgecake]

Yup mine was a hoarder. Slowly took over my living space with his cr*p which no one could touch. Even down to (detail removed by moderator). It used to get on my nerves as I could never tidy properly. Meanwhile his house was immaculate and orderly…
All done to slowly drive you nuts.

 

[Fudgecake]

I found it very helpful. I just wish that there were follow up events rather than when it ends then you never hear or see anyone again.

[Fudgecake]

Hey Pinkturtle,

They do this to pi*s you off and generally f**k with your mind. Mine use to buy me lovely things, not necessarily expensive but to my taste, in the love bombing stage. But then the gifts became things you’d buy for an old lady and finally they became charity shop items or even things he got out of his mother’s cupboard and wrapped up. Don’t I sound ungrateful?.. but that’s part of the game…You couldn’t complain as you’d be ungrateful, selfish etc. Nevermind, the fact that my gifts to him were always to his taste and expensive enough to show I cared. (Isn’t that the point?) I don’t mind cheaper gifts as long as they aren’t for someone 30 years older or obviously grabbed out of the kitchen cupboard with bits missing.

Rant over, sorry I’m going through a shi**ty time atm.

[Fudgecake]

Sounds like heaven.

I’m in the market for a little happiness x

[Fudgecake]

Hey Harley,
Firstly, well done on taking back your life.
It will feel lonely and scary right now and you’ll be feeling all the emotional pain of a break up plus getting your head around being abused by someone who should have loved you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation right now but from here the only way is up.
You need to have some support to help you through this. Can family help? Can you stay with a friend or family member? Have you let WA and your GP know you’re current circumstances?
You must try and get emotional support from someone so you can talk. Keep posting here too. Above all, and this is hard when you’re feeling alone and vulnerable, you must keep no contact with your abuser as he will try all the tricks to lure you back. Stay strong x

[Fudgecake]

That is very true.

It reminds me of this quote I found on the Internet

“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love, with no intention of loving her.”

But I think this can apply to anyone who’s intentions are not true.

[Fudgecake]

I think nightmares are quite normal. They are a symptom of the trauma you’ve gone through. They can appear at any time after you’ve left the situation. And I believe they can restart if you’re triggered by something/ someone and you then flashback to the trauma.
I ,as many on here do, get them and they’re horrible. It’s like reliving it all again.
I don’t think there’s a timeframe for when they end. You can seek councilling, talk to your GP or to WA to seek help and advice though. But I think it’s something we have to work through as part of our healing.

[Fudgecake]

Hey Ruby,
I can only offer you my personal experience on this matter and your situation is completely different. However, I was jobless and homeless as a result of leaving a domestic abuse situation. Thankfully though I had savings to survive.I told some letting agents about my predicament and I got a look of disgust as if I was a piece of muck they’d walked on. They showed me a house though as they wanted the money but that initial reaction from them sealed their fate. Even if they were offering a palace I wouldn’t have taken it. Their opinion of me was already made ie trouble.
Then I went to another agent and gave all info apart from the domestic abuse part. Their reaction and treatment of me was very different, businesslike and no withering looks or pre judgements.

I’m only talking here from what I experienced and the real point is they’ll take the money.
But I don’t think telling them your everything helps at all. It only causes them to pre judge and they might use that knowledge against you in the future.

Hope this helps, good luck with your move.

[Fudgecake]

Good luck in your new home IWMB xx

[Fudgecake]

I didn’t get them back.

[Fudgecake]

Hi IWMB, I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I hope he sees sense and respects your wishes. But if he continues down this road then you must contact and report him to the police. Stay safe, thinking of you xx

[Fudgecake]

Hello, and welcome,
I understand how you’re feeling. It’s a lonely place to be and you’ve done a brave thing reaching out. It’s a horrible feeling when you realise that you’re being abused by the one who’s meant to love and protect you. But now you are aware you can find ways to get yourself into a stronger position. Knowledge is power. There are some great books like Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Also, Women’s Aid run some support programmes to help. It’s worth contacting WA so you can get some support locally and don’t worry they will never contact your abuser. I remember being anxious about this when they did my safety assessment as I had to give his name. But he was never contacted. This forum is a wonderful support too and you certainly won’t get judgemental feedback.

I’m sending you a hug and warm wishes.

You have people out there who do love you and who wish only the best for you. You are worthy and a great, unique individual entitled to be treated with dignity and respect. Remember that in the dark times as he will try everything in his power to make you think otherwise. Stay strong, research DA and contact WA. x

[Fudgecake]

Hello and welcome to the forum.
Well done for getting away and yes you most likely have ptsd. It’s a parting gift that keeps on giving. My advice is to stop contact 100% if you can; not easy if children are involved though so if you’re dealing with contact for that reason keep it to a minimum and when contact is necessary keep it only to the children’s contact arrangements. How we react to these abusers is like they are an addiction. So the only way to stay “on the wagon ” is no contact. The further along with no contact the easier it gets but there is no magic wand to take away all the emotions, flashbacks , anxiety and the temptation to contact them. It’s cold turkey I’m afraid. I’ve been out a long time now, but I’m still not through it and am still experiencing emotions, nightmares and flashbacks. However, I’m also experiencing feeling safe in my home, feeling happy and relaxed on good days, eating and drinking what I like without disapproving looks. Being able to be me, or at least what’s left of the old me. Keep going, keep strong and keep safe. You can do this! x

[Fudgecake]

This is the predicament that we all find ourselves in at some point in an abusive relationship and it’s a contributing reason as to why so many of us stay too long or perhaps never leave. We don’t leave because we’ve stopped loving them, we leave to survive and salvage what is left of us as an individual. I agree with the answers to previous responses to this question. He never loved us, the person we thought he was doesn’t exist, love doesn’t hurt and so many other valid points. But even now I still love the man I thought he was, the idea and the dream he sold me, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. Throw in the effect of trauma bonding and you have got a potent cocktail of emotions to deal with when a) thinking of leaving b) actually leaving and c) in the aftermath.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my abuser in a long time now but I still wouldn’t trust myself if contact were to resume. He could just mesmerise me back into submission and have me under his controlling ways within the hour and I hate myself for it. It’s not love but it sure feels like it!

[Fudgecake]

Hi TPG,
It’s awful to experience this ever and you took a brave step posting on here to talk about it. You will feel depressed and also a whole myriad of other emotions. Contact your GP and rape crisis for support. And keep posting here for support too. Remember that none of what we experience is ever our fault. We don’t deserve it and we are entitled to respect from everyone , especially our partner.You will come through this. Take care x

[Fudgecake]

Hi Happiermex
There are many ways we show love and are loved. It’s not always in an intimate relationship either, even giving money to a homeless person for example is showing love.
When someone shows you a kindness it’s a form of love. I understand the thoughts of never being loved again in an intimate partnership way but never say never and also try not to focus on that either. From my experience an intimate relationship can be bittersweet even with a “normal” partner and not an abusive Nutjob.

I’m quite happy being single now. Two disasters is enough for me but what I’d say to those still living in hope of meeting someone is never give up but live life to its fullest in the meantime.

[Fudgecake]

Thank you for sharing this, Gran 😊

[Fudgecake]

Make the statement- the police will take note especially in this lockdown when DV is increasing and change your locks ASAP.

[Fudgecake]

“You know for a fact that your life won’t be made complete by laundering a man’s pants.” LOL Camel this made me laugh so much and it’s so true! 😀

[Fudgecake]

Well said MD.
I couldn’t have put it better myself. It’s so nice not living in fear of someone who is inside your home with you. I hope anyone in this situation finds a way through and stays safe during this particularly trying time.

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