IndecisiveGirl

[IndecisiveGirl]

It sounds like you have worked really hard to get as far as you have, so please don’t see this as a step backwards, because you’re just realising another potential thing you can work forwards with to improve your life after him.

I also froze when asked what I liked etc because I had a similar experience with my ex. I’ve only slept with one man since but what I did find was that knowing him before helped, like I met him at work and we knew each other a while before anything romantic, and I’d mentioned about my ex and how he was with me so he knew to be extra sensitive etc. I think it definitely helped that he knew to go slow and that I’d had previous bad experiences.

I wouldn’t go having meaningless hook ups because that lies the potential for causing further trauma. Definitely address things with your therapist, but please don’t feel defeated by him because you’ve started those sessions. Our minds are messy at best of times, without having experienced the trauma we have, so be kind to yourself!

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve been going through the exact same thing virtually.

I left my ex fiancé/baby’s Dad him a few months ago. I set my ground rules early on with regards to contact, said he should come to my parents house so myself and baby safe, but he refuses, wanting to meet somewhere else, or threatening to come take my baby unsupervised, harassing me with horrid texts and calls. I have a separate pay as you go phone for him now and have blocked him on my old phone so it’s a nice little break, as I was suffering really bad anxiety because of it all.

I’m sorry, I don’t know how much court costs are. But I know that you need to just wait for him to go court about contact as then he will incur most of the costs I think.
I can’t get legal aid either because I have equity in our joint mortgage property (that he’s living in), although I had to leave my job/move counties etc because of him.

I’ve found my local women’s aid really helpful and supportive though, so maybe that’s an avenue you should go down as they will help you and can get you booked in to see a solicitor for free for some advice.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Wow you are so strong and brave for admitting that to yourself first of all❤️
You’re making all the right steps to getting yourself back on track.
I have a baby too, still under 1. It’s hard having a baby as it is, and even harder when we’re faced with abuse/getting out of an abusive relationship/the aftermath of leaving.
You’re doing amazing, for yourself and for your baby. I know how hard it is and I have also suffered with depression, and the only thing that’s kept me going is the thought of this beautiful little boy needing me, and we just can’t act on any bad thoughts because in my personal case (my ex is on birth certificate) so that would mean leaving my little boy behind in the arms of his abusive father who can’t be trusted with him, and that is a crippling thought.
Seek all the help you can, keep talking and sharing, we’re all here for you

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thanks so much everyone!❤️
So I actually went and saw a solicitor through WA today and she said they have an arrangement with WA so I can basically book in with them whenever I need reassurance/legal advice.
She told me that the threats he’s making with regards to removing me from our joint mortgage are dumbfounded basically, and that I am within my rights to refuse him taking my baby for unsupervised visits (as he keeps threatening this), and I am entitled to 50% equity of our house when it sells regardless of what he keeps threatening.
So I’m basically going to try have minimal contact, ignore any texts that he sends to try scare me and going to leave the ball in his court.
He hasn’t bothered to come to see our son in the few months since we left, it breaks my heart but I guess he never wanted our baby in the first place (tried to manipulate me into an abortion which I luckily stood up for myself and didn’t do), so why would he put in the effort that he should now.
Thankyou all for all your kind words. They really help and I really do need them.
Having spoken to the solicitor today, I feel stronger/confident in what she has said, but the scary thing is, if he texts me any threats etc I’ll stupidly revert back to believing him above everyonelse which I know sounds stupid:/ I just really need to try break the bad habit of doting on his every word, and his words having so much more weighting than anyonelse’s.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou! It’s so hard because as soon as he says something, I find myself believing him above any of the professionals which I know must sound crazy!
And yes, roughly (removed by moderator) to split between us and I feel I deserve half that money after paying my mortgage the last few years and I need it so me and my son can move on eventually x

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t find your experience with WA very helpful:(
Maybe try reaching out again? Was it the helpline or a centre that you reached out to?
I have found my case worker so supportive that I have met with in a centre.
My partner never physically hit me, he would threaten to and would hit inanimate objects and would always emotionally/verbally abuse me. I have felt that they understand this, and have shown me that even things I’ve downplayed have actually been him being abusive and controlling.
Please don’t let this experience put you off. Try reaching out again as their support will be invaluable to you in the long run

[IndecisiveGirl]

I feel exactly the same as you right now.
We were together a long time, so there’s so many triggers for me, a certain song on the radio, pictures of certain places, our favourite programmes we’d watch together, or favourite foods we cook and eat together.
My parents are so supportive and I have my baby boy to keep me going but I still feel so alone.
Even though I couldn’t bare him touching me in the last few months together, now I often think about how much I miss our cuddles in bed and snuggling up on the sofa.
It’s hard but I keep trying to remind myself that the bad outweighed the good.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Welldone with taking that step and good luck with everything, I hope your move day goes as smoothly as possible.
Personally, I did leave a letter the first time I left. It was helpful to get my thoughts down on paper to him.
An explanation could be good, but also be prepared to expect his reaction – my ex made out how shocked he was and told me he would change… I believed him, went back and he didn’t change.
Maybe think about changing your number etc if you don’t need to have any future contact with him?

[IndecisiveGirl]

I had to leave the house because I have no one where we live, I bought a house with him in his hometown, 2-3hrs away from where I’m from and where my friends/family are.
He keeps saying that I chose to leave a loving family home and committed desertion…
Just want it over with:s
WA are hopefully writing me a letter for legal aid, and I have now applied for universal credit at least so hopefully when the time comes I can get legal aid.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou IWMB
I have been trying to pause and talk it through with my parents before I reply.
I’ve tried to offer suggestions of contact, and I think make reasonable compromises with what he wasn’t comfortable with because he didn’t want to come to my parents house.
But now he’s insisting his parents come to see my baby too and I’m just not ready for that, is it ok to say no? Or am I being unreasonable?

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou for your message IWMB
I’m so sorry you had to go through that for so long aswell
Why do we find it so hard to accept that maybe it wasn’t our fault?
I feel like I’ve messed my lovely life up with him and I’ve just overreacted or something?
I do try to remind myself that it was bad and people shouldn’t have to live like that
But his messages to me now make me constantly question that there’s nothing wrong with him and it’s my fault?
Thankyou for your suggestions, I did try to get the pat craven book at the library but it was lost:/

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou for posting, as I am also in a similar situation with regards to feeling so anxious at every bit of contact. As soon as I see his name pop up on my phone, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and I instantly worry what he’s saying/what I’ve done etc.
I feel very hopeless at the moment, as I have a young baby and I feel like my ex is going to control and bully me for the rest of my life using my baby as a means to do this.
My ex is also being very clever now since I left, in the wording he uses in his messages, he tries to make me look crazy, trying to discredit me and make me seem like I’m being difficult with regards to contact because I don’t want to meet him on my own, but I also don’t want his family to come as it’s a very anxious situation for me never mind having his parents there too who condone his behaviour.

[IndecisiveGirl]

I also feel like I have blacked a lot out over the years. A long time after I had been experiencing the abuse I started opening up to my Mum about things, I’d ring her most mornings when I was commuting to work, and I’d get upset about events of the night before, I wouldn’t always share everything, but now my Mum sometimes reminds me of things when I’m starting to doubt myself, and it surprises me that I’d forgotten stuff.

I also go through/talk to myself in my head. I think it’s just a way of trying to process things. And I also often feel numb about events/like they weren’t that bad but as I’ve started to open up about the abuse, it surprises me how shocked people are, when I thought it wasn’t that bad because it wasn’t the worst thing he did if that makes sense?

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou both. I am considering contacting child maintenance people, as I’d just like to know a consistent figure, rather than him being able to control and change it according to what he wants.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou everyone.
I’ve not had any contact with him today (I usually send him photos of baby everyday). I’m regretting agreeing to meeting him this weekend with baby.
I’m not sure what to do. I won’t be letting him take baby on his own at all because I can’t trust that he’ll be safe and I’m also still breastfeeding. But I’m also daunted and scared of all the legal stuff as I know I’ll probably end up having to go down that route eventually. I always feel so anxious and sort of freeze when any one asks me to ‘explain his behaviour’ and stuff. He’s done so much verbally and emotionally to me but I hate having to talk about and feel as if I have to prove myself, and I start to doubt myself.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou for your messages.
He hasn’t even asked to video call or to come and see our baby yet? I’ve moved back to my parents which is a couple hours drive. I feel like he will be just use the excuse that I’ve taken our baby so far away so he can’t come (he can drive/has access to a vehicle if he wanted/can get a train)
I wouldn’t stop him from coming to see him with me here, but he hasn’t even asked:/

[IndecisiveGirl]

Yeh I guess that’s true.

I’m just hurting so much, he was my everything for years, and I bared my soul to him. We still do laugh together at times and I’m just missing all the good moments I guess. But I know, there was so much bad and that does outweigh the good, and I want all good for my little boy.

I haven’t rang women’s aid yet, but I should do probably, because I feel myself wanting to go back home to him so much.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou both.

Since having my baby, he hasn’t threatened violence/hasn’t been as bad, but like shouted/sworn at me a few times and refused to stop Car on a long journey as I was uncomfortable with how he was acting:/

I feel like he’s trying more to be better, but it also hurts me that he has to try so hard to be nice to me?

The freedom programme sounds helpful, I will have to look into that.

[IndecisiveGirl]

I left. I had told him I was because I felt bad and wanted to give him the opportunity to say goodbye to our little boy.
He promised to change again, but I said I couldn’t believe him so he said he’d show me he could, however long it takes. The day I left, he actually contacted a service, but rather than for anger management, I think it’s just for depression – I obviously don’t know what was said.

I really miss him. I thought I didn’t love him anymore because I couldn’t stand to be touched/cuddles/kissed by him because of everything he’s done and I felt bitter towards him. But ofcourse even after everything he’s done, I do still love him.

I’m finding things hard. I send him photos of our baby daily, but he hasn’t messaged me off his own back to ask how we are. I know it sounds silly but I keep checking my phone hoping he has messaged me:/

[IndecisiveGirl]

(detail removed by moderator) I got up and packed what I needed in the car and left, at least for the weekend, I don’t know.

I love him and want him, and all the changes he’s made so far have been good. But I feel so distant and isolated from my parents being so far away and I think that is a huge issue in my relationship because of where we lift.

I’m no longer really sure how to tell the difference between relationship issues and actual abuse?

The changes he has made are good, and they say that abusive people can’t just change overnight, which he hasn’t. But every time he does something good, I do feel for him because who knows if it’s genuine or like the helpline says it’s manipulative and he’s just trying to get me to stay?

[IndecisiveGirl]

I think I’ve decided to go home (detail removed by moderator). I lied to him about a conversation with my Dad and he started calling him and making threats again. He blamed it on me lying but I just tried to explain to him that I lied because it’s what I’ve gotten used to, I lie because I worry about his reaction to things.
I said I’m sick of this, I’m going to go home (detail removed by moderator). I’m sick of threatening to go home then changing my mind, but (detail removed by moderator) the threats he made, even though he wasn’t shouting/swearing and he was more controlled, i felt like it just showed his horrible side is still there. Threatening to smash the house up so I can’t get decent valuations and stuff, threatening to not come to the birth. It breaks my heart but I really just need to be strong.

[IndecisiveGirl]

He ended up telling me (detail removed by Moderator).

He tried to say things that lessened his abuse/made his actions not seem that bad. He said his friend (detail removed by Moderator) had said it wasn’t abuse because he’s not done things like control my money/tell me I can’t see people/stopped me from doing things.

I just got off the phone with WA. They said that what he is doing even now if categorically abusive and manipulative – it’s so hard to hear. They said he may not have told me I can’t see people but it’s all about manipulation and cohersion; he’s made me feel like I shouldn’t go to see my family and friends because of the fear of his actions, and from how he’s acted with me because of going to see them in the past etc. They said that he is just trying to shift blame onto me from what he is saying.

I’m so mad at myself, for being so in love with a person who chooses to do this to me. He said that if I loved him then I’d stay and make the effort for our family, but the thing is I still do love him but I also hate the part of him that has treated me so poorly for years. I don’t think he ever loved me because I didn’t think someone could do/say the things he does if they loved a person.

I’m so tired of the constant torment and upset in my head. This should be a time when I’m excited to be meeting my baby any day now, but instead I’m trying to figure out the mess that is my life. I never ever saw any of this coming, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve told him I think I’m going to go back home for a bit. We had a long conversation. He seems genuine in that he’s really trying his best now to not be abusive and stuff, he remained really calm throughout our conversation.

It’s just so confusing. I feel heart broken because if I go home, he might not come to the birth. I love him so much but I just don’t know what to do for the best, especially since he’s being so calm now?

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thanks IWMB
Sometimes it’s good to hear it’s not just me, I end up thinking I’m just being needy or something? I don’t ask for a lot I don’t think, I even refrain from asking for any common decency because of being afraid of it causing an argument. It’s just upsetting because, being pregnant, you’d think he would care a little bit more about how I feel? I mean he tells me off when I get upset because ‘(detail removed by Moderator), but he doesn’t quite understand I can’t help getting upset, maybe it’s him that should stop doing/saying things to upset me?

I went for a walk with my dog (detail removed by Moderator), first time I managed to convince myself to go out of the house other than shopping and hospital appointments in the (detail removed by Moderator). I felt sad because where I went I was remembering times we’d been together and had a nice time, I stupidly started to think maybe he’s not so bad, maybe I just do ask a lot. But I got home and my Dad wanted to ring me, and I said no because my OH might be in soon and if we want to talk openly I can’t. So now I’m thinking to myself, how wrong that is? I can’t and don’t want to spend the rest of my life being so distant with my family because I’m scared of my Dad saying something negative about my OH on the phone and I’m scared of my OH hearing and getting mad at me or saying something else to try and drive a wedge in between me and my parents.
I tried ringing WA again today, I left a voicemail so hopefully they ring me back tomorrow.
I think I know I do want to leave him, because I’ll never be truly happy after everything he’s done to me and what he’s done to me and my family, it’s as if I’m just trying to come to terms with it in my head?

[IndecisiveGirl]

Hi IWMB,

I know I shouldn’t care what they think, but we’ve been together years so I’ve spent a lot of time with his family/friends so I sort of feel a bit heartbroken about how they act when I know they’ve seen some things/how he can be like? I feel like if it was a friend/family member of mine acting in such a horrible way then I wouldn’t be so horrible to the other person involved? But, tbf I guess if I left, I wouldn’t even be close enough to ever bump into them again so I could just cut all contact and try not to care.
I’m so scared of how much my baby has been affected by his verbal abuse to me, I know that the baby maybe harder to settle and things because of all of it and it does break my heart. My OH says he wants to make a go of things and be this happy little family.
He left me to go to (detail removed by Moderator) etc for like (detail removed by Moderator) hours after me being upset/crying/arguing, not one text until (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) and he didn’t understand that I was upset I’d not heard from him in all that time. He said (detail removed by Moderator), and he’s had a go at me for texting him when out before. But I just thought if he really loved me he’d have text his heavily pregnant partner to just see if she was okay wouldn’t he?

[IndecisiveGirl]

You’re right, I know what you say makes sense.
I worry about people not believing me and just thinking I’m crazy? He’s threatened to get custody of our baby in the past and I think that keeps making me anxious. Whilst my baby is still in my belly I can keep him somewhat safe but once he’s out then I’m scared my partner will try to dictate/control things around him too.
I do keep trying to ring and get through to Women’s Aid x

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thanks KIP.
I don’t know how to keep the strength up if you know what I mean? I constantly go from researching everything and feeling stronger to then doubting myself and feeling like a crazy woman?
I’m scared of everyone not believing me, his family didn’t the first time I left and now he says that this time it’s all my fault not making an effort because he’s doing the best he can? Although I did try to remind him that still calling me a c**t or t**t or idiot etc is still not being nice to me, especially when he justifies it with menial household tasks that I’ve done but not to his liking/specific way of doing things.

[IndecisiveGirl]

Firstly, that is so brave of you making that step to say it’s over, and also sticking to your guns and not backing down on it.

The mother in law is not a surprise I guess, she’s standing by her son, if she won’t understand then maybe just go zero contact with her?

Please don’t be disheartened by the domestic violence lady not turning up, can you rearrange with her? And I’m the mean time we are all here for you to support you as best we can.

I’m not married so no idea about finance and filing for divorce, but I know most law providers give you half hour or so free advice? And you could always contact Rights for women I think it is?

Keep strong and keep posting xx

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou so much everyone for all of your support.

I agree, reducing contact is the best way to move forward. I am trying to do this via solicitors/estate agents/child maintenance service. He hasn’t been to see my baby since I left. I’m still breastfeeding so have never been away from him for long. Is it irrational that I’m really scared/worried of my ex being with my baby while I’m not there? I’ve managed to mostly protect my baby from him since he was born, and my ex originally tried to manipulate me into having an abortion so the thought of my baby being with him makes me so anxious. When we were living with my ex, he would get mad at our baby if he was screaming/teething or if he was crawling around trying to explore everything whilst he was watching football, he also man handled him quite roughly and has left him to scream in his cot/refused to comfort him because he was screaming in his ears. He’s just not a loving Dad who I feel comfortable that my child would be safe with:(

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thanks Flowerchild, I’m sorry to hear you can relate to what my parents are going through. It must be so hard and frustrating.
And neither of us planned the pregnancy, I was still on contraception. But he did try to advise me to not talk to my parents about it initially as he wanted me to have an abortion.

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