Lotus20

[Lotus20]

Hi beautifulday,

There will be beautiful days coming up for you. Well done for the final hard step. Sad ly is not the end and we know it. But is the hard bit and i was told that the hardest bit even is to stick to ourselves and our decision. Remembering that moment of clarity in times of hesitation and doubt.
Unfortunately, they are not going to make it easy, but because their nature is abusive they are going to make it as hard as possible for us and for our freedom. Because this is the very first time that they feel pain and this pain makes them want to do something to revenge and feel better again.

I’m saying this from my personal experience. I have all of the feelings that you mentioned, but also a happy feeling a butterfly feeling that i have being to feel occasionally after I left my abuser a few weeks back. But because of how he is, abusive, aggressive and then confusingly manipulative, it is hard to feel the freedom fully without fearing that this happy feeling of freedom would end and things would go wrong. I feel my body is conditioned to feel his control over me all the time even when I’m far away from him l. He is still controlling my body and my mind, I’m still scared of how he is going to react and what is his next mind game or aggressive behaviour. This mainly harder because of the children that are involved. It is not going to be easy for a long time and even my be a life time. But I can for sure say it is worth it. Every minute that you feel free from their control and manipulation and abuse is worth it.
I am only realizing the impact of how my life and myself have changed only living with an abusive person for only for a few years. I truly believe that psychological abuse is hardest to recover because is harder to disentangle and to realize what has happened and because it covers with confusions and guilt and because of the cycle or abuse l, because they have been extremely nice and charming at times, but you only know that was not genuine and was only after extreme abuse.

I wish you get your strengths back in your way of recovery whilst you still have to go through the painful legal parts. Best

[Lotus20]

Hi and thank you for this.
I totally relate to this and I can say my self esteem and self confidence are all negative … because the way he treated me and they way I had to always watch myself to be as good as he would approve or please him .. and yes I became more irritable too and that’s because I have been so controlled and limited …

Please take care of yourself.

[Lotus20]

Hi and thank you for writing this posts and replies.
I left with my the only cloths I had on and my baby without any of our belonging apart from our docs.
I made a lovely home and garden and all my sentimental things and arts and crafts behind. I wanted our lives back and our freedom. It is really sad and I miss everything, apart from the abuse of course. But everything is replaceable and some are not but sanity, physical and mental health and freedom is surely not replaceable.

I won’t worry to much but if I had a better chance I would have taken the most important things but I did not despite have palnned our exsit.

All the best and enjoy your life hopefully after your free yourself from your abuser.

[Lotus20]

Hi beautifulday,

Firstly stay strong and well done for all the steps and planing.

Secondly, I did what you did, shared my feelings and thoughts with him all honest and genuine and also confronted him only the weeks before I fled him. All he did all this time was denial, gaslighting, rationalisation and twisted my own words against me which the last one more than anything drives me mad. So no point to talk o him, plan and only trust your own self. You have done everything and tried every way. I agree the only way to protect us is the legal protection.

All the best and you’re doing amazing. Is totally normal to feel how you feel after what he has done to you, but know that is not you it is really him, again I can say this but I easily dragged in his mind games myself even after leaving him.

All the best,

[Lotus20]

I felt you wrote on my behalf, exactly the last few weeks of my life with him when I already got to know the cycle of abuse. It is such a familiar feeling now and all the time that I felt it for over years. Its going to be so so difficult to unlearned what we have learned and uncondition what we have been conditioned, even after leaving the abused. Trust me, its not you, I can say this to you but I need to hear it myself from someone ales. It’s hard to believe otherwise is so so deep in our mind and brain and body that’s hard to relaise.

All the best

[Lotus20]

I just want to give you some support. Totally feel how you feel in away that you feel you’re going crazy and it’s your sensitivity or lack of ability to sacrifice more. I go through therapy all the time that I was dating and living with my abuser. Unfortunately the therapy was to focused on what I brig to the relationship rather than what makes me feel the way I felt. Hence I stayed in the abusive relationship with the help of my therapy just to be able to bare more abuse and to be a little more assertive and say what I feel to hum with no confrontation. And this did not go to my advantage only prolonged the abuse and I became a survivor and only long after I realised what a mistake is to focus on the past without looking into what’s happening right now.

I hope you follow your gut feelings and is best to have your family and best friends in your side.

Best wishes,

[Lotus20]

Hello,
Just to also sympathise, I told my abuser about my past history of abuse and he turned it against me, I did it so so early on in the relationship and he ws surely charming at the time I opened up him. All the things that I regret and learned now from my mistakes.
Well done for standing up and taking control of your life as early as you did.
Best wishes

[Lotus20]

Hi Quietgiraff,

I just want to say that I exactly feel the same and I have not got a solution yet. All I know is that my brain and body are conditioned and I live in fear specially if I am in the same city or area as him. I only can say this is what abuse does with our body and mind and is going to take a lot of time and professional help to heal.
It is going to be a process and not eassy but painful for most of it. But lest hope we come out stronger and wised.

Be safe

[Lotus20]

Thank you for the post and speaking from my heart. Can’t belive it so so real everything you said I feel. And yes he was and is entitled, I made a home and I left and he is there in my home.. I cant tell you what he claims now. But just to say yes I had to leave and I’m happy that i have levet. But I wish when I called the police they were of more help. I wished if I was stronger. But as you said I’m getting stronger the less I hear from him and I see him. But sadly I have children with him and I don’t know how to protect me and them from him in the future.:(
Thank you.

[Lotus20]

Thank you Jellyx and enjoy the peace and freedom from abusive behavior. X

[Lotus20]

Hi Newyork,

Thank you for your post, I am in the same position and you and it makes me sick thinking of having any contact with him and I know would not do any good to anyone but how to minimise the damage I am also not sure.

I really hope some of the more experienced women here would share from their view.

Thanks again

[Lotus20]

Hi Diverdi,

Well done to yourself too.
I reallh feel this brain washing and addiction is the hardest to overcome.
We need a rehabilitation where you can only be away from the abuse and slowly start seeing who you are and what had happened.

Hope you’re doing well and all the best.

[Lotus20]

Hi Eggshells

Thank you for your encouraging words. I totally agree, is only those moments that I miss what I had made as a home. But those moments are not many, almost all the time I am grateful for being in peace with my baby and I am thankful for where we are away from his manipulation and abuse. Away from his conrol. It did affect us severely.
Well done to you too for find your own feet again and your peace, enjoy. I am trying to find my feet again and really hoping that our peace last as long as possible as I know there will be child contact arrangement and I know he is going to use that to get back on me and he won’t care about the welfare of the child as he is so so selfish.

Anyway, I feel I needed to get it out of my system.
I hope you find your own place and make it as lovely as you want and you deserve.

[Lotus20]

Hi Bandit,

I’m sorry, it seems you have gone through a lot.
I agree with the Beautiful day, well done for taking the initial step.
It is as it said the troma bounding, I am now left after my body and my mind could not take the abuse anymore. And I have kept to question myself a lot. One problem is that when you crave going back you knly remember the good things, I don’t know why the brain does that, but when you have the flash backs of what bad has been done you know you’re doing the right thing. It is hard, very hard. People keep saying to keep a diary of everything. Even though I recently started I have not gone to read them back because I think I’m avoiding it to protect myself from getting hurt but the nice things he said or did comes to mind, specially our home that I made it a home.
But just be persistence and you get through it. I keep saying is like addiction, when you want to stop you get withdrawal symptoms and then you persist and get through it and your mind and body become clear from the troma.

Just post here and reads the posts here, it has been a great help for me.

All the best and stay strong. I know we get weak a lot but there are moments that we feel the strengths, keep holding to those moments and finding them again and again would eventually become a constant strength.

[Lotus20]

Hi Happydaysagain,

Sorry that you feeling like that again.
I totally know how it feels. Its how our brain is working, like addiction. I surely can understand what troma bounding is now. It works with our brain. All the hurts that pushes us away and we try to protect us and suddenly a little affections that sucks us in.
Please block him and protect yourself. It is playing with our brain and the only way is to stay out of it just like drugs.
I hope youre feeling better by now.

[Lotus20]

Hi Jellyx

I hope you’re feeling better now.
I just want to say I feel exactly how you feel. I feel grateful for finally being out and being able to eat and sleep whilst being safe with my baby. However, I feel my brain is mashed up and blended. Something has happened to my brain, sort of PTSD as if I have no memory of what had happened..

I think is a part of the healing process, may be the initial shock and denial, before facing it and dealing with it.

All the best,

[Lotus20]

Hi beautifulday,

Well done and so happy for you mainly for the insight you have now on the cycle and the pattern.
Also as you said is so good to talk to someone, whilst does not matter who their are in terms of old or new friends, it’s really important to be able to trust as some friends may actually have no clue and don’t know how to support. It’s because we always put a smile face and mask everything to show how good we are together. I did this for years with a hope of having a family, the ideal loving beautiful family picture that was seen from the outside was what I also wanted always, but in reality thingd were never smooth or good inside, all neglect, aggression, lack of affection, control and I did feel like a doormat.
But you did it, when the light bulbs comes on, it’s hard to fall into the cycle, you can see everything, although the trauma bounding is the hardest but, hard to not wanting to get back.
Well done for taking the positive steps, youre brave as my friend said it to me.
I’m still very cloudy myself after having already left. But I read here in the forum that the psychological abuse is the hardest to pinpoint and the easiest to doubt ourselves to fall back as soon as seeing all the sweet loving words and the charm.
Wish you all the best for your journey and keep staying strong.

[Lotus20]

I’m with you.

[Lotus20]

Hi seaglas,

Im exactly where you are, but I am protecting from the hurt I felt in the first place. Try to track back everything abd you will see how loving you have treated him and what he has done to you. That’s what I do, it’s very clear that I never hurt him and all those comments and aggressions and games was and is his and now I’m just protecting myself by keep an arms distance and of course that’s frustrating for him because he can’t get me back.
It’s not you. Be strong and look after yourself.

[Lotus20]

Hi isthisright,

Firstly, yes you’re feelings are right and so right. Secondly I have the exact same situation, only got to know the cycle of abuse and Grooming the last few days and it is what it is. Please look it up.
And lastly, it’s not right for us to let this happen, so no it is not right. Please take yur next opportunity to save yourself. I have had that stomach sick feelings for the first time in my life when the light bulb came on, I have lost appetite or if I eat I get sick, I can’t sleep. And my key worker said it right. She said, that your body is telling you that something is not right.
All the best and take care of yourself.

[Lotus20]

Thank you, I could here the voice of my abuser reading this to me. Was so him.
Also agree, many go through childhood abuse and become more sensitive and supportive of others, is somethubg in their brain.
Thank you again.

[Lotus20]

Hi Giem

You have already began, you’re here and this is the best start, the best education I have received and the best support.
I know that know one would know what’s happening behind the close door when the abuser is so charming, I know that and I know how lonely and sad it is when you realise that is our own not fault but doing. Because we wanted to save our family. I never said anything to a friend or neighbours and if they said anything about him I f made excuses for him out a smiley face on myself, even to my midwife and GP. It’s also because ٹھٹہ what I wanted to belive that he is great, but he is surely not and he is a abuser and have been. Nothing has changed but my wound got deeper and I just can’t take it anymore and once I opened I can’t go back anymore, can not not see his games abd his mental tourcher and that’s when you really begin to do something. I think that’s where you are.
All the best, and stay strong and keep moving.

[Lotus20]

Hi diymum,

Just want to add that they even use the counsellor tto manipulate and to get their empathy and sympathy, change nerd to happen lot deeper and over a long time with a deep reflection and only when they are ready for it. Be mindful that may cause you and your children more damage.

I wish you the best,

[Lotus20]

I feel every word and I feel so close to you and everyone like us here, thank you. Thank you

[Lotus20]

Hi beautifulday

Firstly well done for all the positive steps, not is small and all big step, knowing where we are coming from. I admire you’re courage and planing for you’re own freedom. Yes the truma binding and the truma feelings, scary but also so deeply seated that even seeing it and feeling it is biggest step itself. And as you said can’t think or see into the future too far as it makes it all harder, all I can think of is the sense of freedom from this. As I’m typing again my heart is beating, been hard to eat or sleep for days now, but I do my best to eat and sleep. Such a game thr plays our mind and body.
I think you should be proud of your step and each step only makes us stronger and closer to be ourselves once again.
And no one from the outside but only people here Kyl truely know what a scary journey this is.
And luckily even through the time that he is trying to suck me back, he can’t help but showing his real side too and those little moments are enough reminder of what’s happening and been happening.
Also thank you for saying that you have been following me, it makes me feel that I’m not all alone but also is a good check to know where I m

Hope you get through another step successfully and please keep your fingers crossed for me.

All the best and thank you for being you and so supportive.

[Lotus20]

Hi Ebrunner,

I hope you’re feeling better and finding some positive energy in you. I appreciate how lonely and stressful it is at times for each of us so differently.
I strongly can relate to the cycle of abuse and he has been so nice, (still loses sometimes) but he is really watching himself and this made me also doubt myself. But I also have lots of these niceness and nastiness to remmebr so not that easy anymore to get sucked in.

One thing that has helped me is this forum and all the loving and caring and wise and string women here… This reminds me that firstly I’m not alone, secondly we Al get through this sooner or later so I’m going to try to do it as soon as I can.
I hope you find your strength for yourself and for your daughter, you’re her model too and please stay strong.. I know how hard is sometimes and I was very close to my own end limit, he really pushed my boundaries and I was devastated, but I know that’s what he wants and that’s what I’m not going to give him, and I know that I deserve better. Keep your head up and put your nicest cream, don’t let him break you, never let him see you crying as this gives them more power, I know this so well now.. He put me in the highest anxiety I ever experienced and then used that again myself saying I’m not well. I can’t belive this but this was a very good alarm too. All we need to do is to do everything we can and not give it up or out, you know what I mean. I have always be too honest as if I have to report him everything, I am still, but also slowly learning how to protect myself.

Please protect yourself in every way you can and specially by not letting his niceness get you back into his abusive cycle.

All the best

[Lotus20]

Hi Eggshells,

You’re making me tearful. I have a part of me that wants to be string and really tries and finds my feet and there is a little parts of me that keeps falling for his traps and the cycle. But it means so much to have the support of this community and to read all the wise words that you’re sharing and the similar journeys that women’s are going on their own.
I wish you all the very best for being so amazing and so loving. I hope youre also doing well.

Yes I am trying to find away through the darkness and through the unknown, I am trying to get hold of the right and helpful people and I really look forward to free myslef and my baby from the abusive environment.

Thank you so much again.

[Lotus20]

Hi diymum1

Thank you for your great points, no I have not looked at grooming, but I think makes so much sense and will do look at it right away.
And I have only strayed an actual diary but some how my brain has kept the most painful events very well and they are useful when I look back. I need to keep this pain alive for now to be able where all these coming from and to know that I’m not going crazy.

Thanks alot again, it means so much to be able to hear yourself back again and to hear from people who have experienced the same and to confirm that you’re not going crazy and for that matter for not going crazy I need to get out.

[Lotus20]

Hi turtlelove,

Thank you, and you are so right I certainly feel so much weaker now as compare to the first time that I said I’m out of this. And it’s like a kind of addiction, your body or brains wants to belive him and can’t leave him or the current whatever situation is. It is bounding and trauma boubding. I’m just clicking again and again and it’s like my whole brain and body is light bulbs now. I can’t turn them off anymore as I get to know how I was and I am trapped in the first place and till now. I feel shaking as this realization is so true and so deep and makes do much sense.
I know that I don’t want to live my life like this and I also have a good reference comparing how happy and social I was before and how active and confidence I was once before getting sucked into this abusive ccyle. I don’t know how to feel, regret, anger, blame, guilt, discussed, lots of emotions about myself as why I didn’t see this earlier or get out when I saw and why I did let this happen to me. I know all this feelings are a part of healing process. I can say it’s painful but is like a bitter drug that you need to take to recover.

Yes and getting out is scary as it is but I’m up for it I know I have done much more difficult things I my life although this is the hardest as I have a baby but all I want is being free from abuse with my baby. I need the right help and I hope to get it.

Thanks again for your support it means alot as I was losing my mind by getting sucked into his games again.

[Lotus20]

Hi Beautifulday,

I hope your better and feeling yourself.
I totally get what you mean and have been through this so many times and for so long. Also coming from a very abusive background so a little niceness means a lot to me and weakens me so much. I found as you did the best is to close all the doors that he can get into me. And that of corse frustrates him and makes me initially guilty. But honesty I’m not the one who wants to hurt him I’m the one who is been hurt so much and I can not ever trust again. And I just needed to take this out of me and he has been showing his gentle side again. But you ladies showed me again and reminded me how this all works and also I know that’s how I have been kept in this cycle that’s a totally new thing to me too and it blows my mind when I see this so clearly now although I also feel sick in my tummy knowing what I have been going through and how many times I seriously wanted to ciut and he was tearful and bought back to his games. I also wonder how much he is aware of this and I think he is not aware of it and I see he has learnt this from his own family.I feel very scared still very strong knowing what I know now.

Thanks again.

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