Lyng

[Lyng]

I read through these today with a heavy heart. My kids are straight out lying and twisting and manipulating. It is abuse to pull kids into this. No one listens. Still supposed to maintain access, even though he is turning them into mini versions of him. Hate is too mild a word. My heart is black and cold and crushed.

[Lyng]

Full disclosure. I am in (detail removed by Moderator) so your laws are different. However, if you have a legal court order he can’t change it without going to court. If you have no legal order in place, see a lawyer right away. Find out what avenues you have to ensure you can get an agreement in place that is legal, on paper, and police enforceable. In addition, get clauses that prevent parental alienation on both sides. If you can’t agree you have to Duke it out in court unfortunately. In meantime document everything he does and says. Preferably he puts it in text or email so you can save it. Document every time you asked for access and it is denied. The only thing these types respond to is authority.

[Lyng]

First off, you are human. Second, everyone’s experience is different in this regard. My own journey was understanding that I am a person with a high libido, and that made me a target for an abuser who could exploit that aspect of me. Just sex, if you are sure that’s what it is, and careful for disease and pregnancy, is not a bad thing for everyone. For me, it was a part of my healing. I used a series of just sex encounters to fully separate myself from my ex. I don’t regret it one bit. One of the men is still my friend, although sex is not a part of it as I have settled with the right person for me. We do not live together, and he helps me through, emotionally and sexually. The biggest danger is to clearly understand where your feelings are coming from and ensure that if you are craving a companion, seek that, and if it’s a few meaningless encounters to exorcise your demons, that may be OK too.

[Lyng]

My experience is quite a lot different from yours. But in the end, it’s all about power and control. Yours found what scared you and used it against you. Mine discovered I am a very sexual person, and hence, used cycles of sex and depriving me of sex to keep me in line. He also manipulated it into looking like I was rejecting him when he would make it impossible, asking for sex at 2 am when I had to work at 5 am, then saying I was “not putting out” even though for years we never went more than three days without it. They find your weakness, prey on it, and batter you with it again and again. If it’s human companionship you crave, take up with an understanding woman who can awaken love in you again. It can be sexual, or not, but it needs to be a loving, understanding relationship to get you through this.

[Lyng]

My heart goes out to you. Yesterday I saw some people who finally might help. I am struggling so badly with my kids, my family is fed up and thinks I should let them live with him. A part of me wants that. But I love my kids and I don’t want that for them. Police, counselors, doctors, many of them got it wrong over the years. Immediate danger is not always a knife or a gun. I get it. I feel your pain.

[Lyng]

I love my kids so much. I blame myself for staying. It’s why they act the way they do. But mostly I blame a system that feels no matter what a partner does, they have have a right to have their kids as long as the kids aren’t being beaten. Thank you. I feel lost and afraid.

[Lyng]

All these stories are so moving. All of us experienced that scattering of people from one end of the house to the other. Living together but totally miserable and lonely. Life with my kids is not easy at the moment, but at least they are PRESENT. Thank you for reminding me just how different that feeling is.

[Lyng]

My heart is breaking for you at the same time as I feel this “Thank God I am not crazy and not alone” feeling. My kids are a few years apart. Both have been manipulated into believing his version of the truth, and he disparages me at every turn. They are both verbally and physically abusive to me and I have them enrolled in counseling. We are on a wait list. I recently started recording what they do to defend myself. My family is having a hard time and thinks I should just let them go live with him.

[Lyng]

I know it’s hard. But try not to feel guilty. You did what you had to do. You can’t be a bad partner to a man who never treated you like a partner in the first place. I did things I would not have dreamed of doing with an equal partner who wasn’t lying, cheating, and abusive. His vows to me were a lie. Therefore, whatever I had to do to get out of those vows was okay.

[Lyng]

We all felt that way, and feel that way every time we let the abuser get under our skin, through a text, an email, a rumor, or a voice mail … it isn’t easy. I took many kicks at the can and even lived in the same house separated from him which was absolutely awful. Well meaning friends think it’ll be a piece of cake. You’ll get custody, etc ., but when you have kids it’s complicated as hell. Even without kids there’s job, friends, mortgages, taxes… your life seems impossibly tangled up in him. My advice would be go to a women’s shelter and get all the supports and legal advice in place. If you are in immediate physical danger of course you need to take that into account and save yourself and your kids. But you’ll feel stronger if it’s planned. Hugs.

[Lyng]

Yes. Unfortunately this is what it’s like. And those close to the abuser who are in his Web will take any sympathy or empathy they seemed to have at the time and use it against you. My ex’s mom confided that he screamed at her and broke and stole things. Even that he stole his younger siblings’ paper money. Now she is fully on his side and says she never said those things. How could I have dreamed that up? She took things I said to her and twisted them and said them to my kids. My kids say I abused their dad and they remember it. When I say that I never did the kind of things he did or used the kinds of words he used, their eyes flicker for a minute and they defend him. They laugh at me in sarcastic disbelief when I give them truthful answers to their questions. It is very hard. But not as hard as living with him was. I read a lot on (detail removed by moderator) abuse and gaslighting. That’s what this twisting is. My kids are too young for me to explain it all. I try my best not to dwell on it. There will be no joy in that “I told you” moment that’s bound to come.

[Lyng]

The worst silent period lasted months. A trial in home separation that turned out to be one of the worst mistakes in a series of bad moves. The kids ate with him, and she ate and slept in her room. Work was solace. Her cat wasn’t allowed downstairs when he was in the house. She spent hours on the computer. Writing, dreaming, connecting with others via various Internet forums. The silence would be broken only by random bouts of anger and accusation. The more she sought to change her life by running, exercising, losing weight — the worse it got. He took to “supervising” her fitness classes. She took to posting her whereabouts so people could publicly see where she was to avoid his smear campaign of lies and accusations. Smiling pics of her at work or a conference. Whether she was with a man or a woman she must be cheating … that’s why it was so easy to “step out” the second they were separated. Why not? She’d already been doing it for years anyway according to him. Only much later did she run across pics of not just one, but four, adult women, all taken at the height of his obsession with her finding someone else. He used to proudly declare he’d never cheated. The half naked selfies of multiple women said otherwise … was there any part of their relationship that wasn’t a lie? Nope. And that’s what hurt the worst in those lonely nights in her room, a pillow over her head, trying to drown own his yelling at the TV or the game console…

[Lyng]

I don’t know how it went for others, but the month before it was over for good really was the worst. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of panic. I plotted my final escape for nearly two years. I kept thinking if something changed I could always back out. It won’t be easy and the separation is the most dangerous and volatile time. As stated in other posts, use all the resources you can to help you make that final break.

[Lyng]

Absolutely bang on. Not only do they target us, but in the courtship phase they find out exactly our vulnerabilities and use it against us. Mine has worked systematically at altering my children’s memories so their entire childhood is distorted. I am emotionally wrung out. My parents and family are tired of the way my kids treat me, which causes exactly what my ex wants. Me separated from my family. I didn’t choose to live with a lying thieving cruel man. He chose me to do those things to.

[Lyng]

You will know when you are ready. Everyone has their process. It takes time though, and a certain understanding of your own needs. I do not live with my boyfriend. I am not ready for that and neither are my kids. But it’s nice to be with someone who never yells or insults me. He is kind, and patient, and when we disagree we talk it out. The simple things become monumental when you’ve lived with abuse. You will know the right person when he or she comes along.

[Lyng]

I totally understand where you are coming from, as I run a business in my home as well. In my case a particularly nasty incident prompted a call to police (he threatened to kill himself – holding my hand to the knife at his throat saying the police would blame it on me)- he didn’t legally have to go but was persuaded by police. He was very angry and damaged the house etc. One thing I do have to say though, is if you have a personal business at all, your clients will understand. They already know, and will be relieved you are getting out. That’s how it was for me. There are ways to argue via legal means you should stay in the home. Get advice from a lawyer and women’s aid.

[Lyng]

It was too long before I finally broke free. I look at all the points I could have been done – we lived separately at one point for nearly two years – I cannot regret my kids but I can regret not leaving him the day he found out the second one was in my belly. That was the day everything went from bad to awful. My youngest was a thinking walking broken girl before I had the courage to make the break. I am so sorry I did that to my kids. They could have been out before there were any memories to twist and destroy. I am so scarred and mangled emotionally every day is a struggle. Every time you go back you tell him he can push you a little more the next time. Please do what you can to stay away from your abuser.

[Lyng]

I agree with the above poster. Get your help from women’s aid, and legal advice, and oust the abuser. Mine wouldn’t willingly go, and the house was in my name, and considered a marital home. I did call police, who went and talked to him. He He wasn’t forced to go, but decided to go after a few days. I had locked my upstairs from him and successfully argued that with my kids and business it was him who had to go. It isn’t easy. They fight you tooth and nail. Mine damaged things and left a huge mess for me to clean. But it was well worth it to be rid of him.

[Lyng]

I don’t know what type of person you are, but for me, physical activity definitely helps. I took up running and martial arts. And believe me, I am no tiny girl, and I was never very athletic. It helps put the panic in a useful place and releases endorphins. As well I took up something called mind based meditation. I like a group setting but I also do it in a quiet place alone. It sounds corny but all the advice about eating healthy, drinking water, etc., all helps. I also try to do one thing day that would annoy my ex, just because I can. Leave that glass on the edge of the counter, wear that pair of pants he hates, dye your hair or cut it short … you get the picture. Reaffirm every day he is not the boss and never will be again. Good luck and hugs

[Lyng]

I don’t know how you feel about dogs, but I got a big one. My ex is deathly afraid of him and my kids adore him. Because I have to have limited exposure to him due to his access with the kids, I bring my dog to pick up or drop off the kids. My home is always protected, and my children are safe with a dog they adore. He is my security blanket. I take him running with me too. A couple times the ex tried to say the kids were in danger with the dog. But the kids love the dog so he knew he couldn’t win that battle without alienating them. I know it’s hard, especially when you have kids. If at all possible the only contact should be formal and strictly to do with your son. Some people have a third party handle visit trade offs so you are not directly involved with your ex. Congrats on starting your new life. Stay strong.

[Lyng]

You are welcome. (detail removed by moderator) love to do a thing called triangulation with other people. Pitting two women against each other is a thrill for him. He uses her to get to you, then probably goes home and tells her how hot you were in bed. They are sick, and don’t have real, honest feelings like normal people.

[Lyng]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My girls treat me poorly in part because they’re know I won’t leave and they are unsure what he will do. He takes them one time and not the next, keeps them late or dumps them early. He doesn’t care. It’s a game to him. The system does not acknowledge this type of abuser uses the kids for revenge. It has some Pollyanna ideal that all parents actually care for their kids.

[Lyng]

I remember my ex bragging he made nurses in the hospital cry when they were caring for him. And psychiatrists too. He had one of our counselors completely convinced of his point of view. These people are master manipulators. Whatever makes you most upset, they use against you. Shake you awake in the middle of the night to accuse you of something, intimidate you in public or while driving, whatever hurts you most, in words or deeds or both. It is a struggle to cope with the aftermath.

[Lyng]

You are human. You see the way he used to act with you in his interactions with another person. Don’t be fooled. He is doing the same to her as he did to you. Charming her into submission. If he hasn’t flipped the switch on her yet, he soon will. I was lucky, I guess, my narcissist became physically ugly, went really down hill. He is nearly unrecognizable from the man I married. Write down all the bad things in point form only you would understand every time you feel attracted. Don’t feel jealous of that woman, feel sorry for her. If my ex’s new love interest asked, I’d tell her the truth in a heart beat to save her the pain.

[Lyng]

That’s good. Please tell me. Do you have kids? What does “no contact” look like when you have kids he has access to? This is what I am struggling with at the moment. I have not verbally spoken to my ex in (detail removed by Moderator), but up until recently we had text communication. He has cut off all communication, and forcing visits to go through kids, which I feel is wrong but seems like because of my kids’ age I can’t avoid. Child services knows the situation and so does my lawyer.

[Lyng]

I hear you. The hardest thing is my so called friends judging my interactions with my kids. They are often vicious with me. (detail removed by Moderator) She gave me this lecture about my kids are worth more than that and don’t give up on them. She doesn’t have to deal with their daily mistreatment of me. Stands up on her moral high horse and makes me feel like crap.

[Lyng]

I try. I really do. But I am unable to not let this affect me. I feel nearly as bad as when he was here. I am Waking up with eyes puffy from crying again. If he were a competent parent I would let them go live with him. They are killing me one outburst at a time. I can’t move forward completely because these behaviours are holding us all back. I have a very kind and understanding boyfriend who I do not live with. He has met the kids, but we don’t interact as a group. I won’t have them treating me like that in front of him. It would be too painful for both of us.

[Lyng]

I feel this way lately. The ex is torturing me through the kids ever since the government started collecting back support from him. He lies to them and sends them home angry and hostile. It is exhausting, all these negative emotions.

[Lyng]

Your ex sounds so much like mine they could be twins. Same words, same scenarios. Just substitute cat for dog. We are great at covering up, they are great at manipulating us into believing we are to blame. I am so sick of people asking “did he beat you?” . He pushed, he shoved, he spat, he forced his hands inside me when I didn’t want him anymore, but no, he never beat me. He did a helluva lot more that that. He pummeled my soul. The hardest thing to do is not wallow in regret.

[Lyng]

I did it so many times. This type of person will do whatever they believe you require to get you back. Mine went to counseling, did community service, and supposedly quit drugs. He schemed to marry me while collecting government money illegally behind my back. I thought he was “cured” and he was lying the whole time. Every time he went a step further and then did whatever was necessary to win me back. It was a game to him. I meant nothing. I now believe he never loved me, even for a minute, as he is incapable of love. All told there were (detail removed by Moderator) separations before the last one stuck. I think the key to escaping is finding something that makes you feel better about you. I found running. I believe it saved my life. Find yourself, your core, and love that core with all your might. That core wants him gone.

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